Panasonic Creates First 250-Inch TV For Home Consumers

Panasonic Creates First 250-Inch TV For Home Consumers

TOKYO, Japan – 

Panasonic has announced this week their biggest venture yet – a 250-inch HDTV that they plan to release for the home market in time for the holiday season. The model, which they are calling Megasonic, will reportedly retail for $1.1 million.

“Clearly this is not the TV for the lowly, minimum-wage paid worker,” said Panasonic spokesman Carl Sukayama. “Those people can still get our other TVs on Black Friday for $99.99 or whatever. This TV is for the TV Gods, and we plan on making sure that people love it, and we’re making it perfect. We have to, because frankly, most people will have to remove a wall to get it in their homes.”

Full specs of the TV were not immediately made available, but Sukayama did say that it would have “ample HDMI” connections, as well as be 4k-HD compatible.

“This TV needs to be a super-high resolution, because if you’re watching a movie on it, you’re going to see everything – every wart, every pimple, every scar. We want those imperfections of today’s hottest actors to be seen in the highest possible display quality. When we begin showing the screen images, you will be blown away.”

Sukayama says that he hopes that by Christmas of 2016, a full year after they plan to launch, that at least a quarter of a million homes throughout the US will have one.

“I know everyone already skips movie theatres and downloads their movies or streams on Netflix. Get this TV, and you’ll never have to go to the movies again.”

Reportedly, the TV will have the ability to pick up SD or HD signals, accept inputs from up to 15 devices, be wi-fi and bluetooth compatible, transform into a small car, and teach your children foreign languages.

‘Game of Thrones’ Season 5 Episodes Leak To Torrent Sites; Internet Collectively Shits Itself

'Game of Thrones' Season 5 Episodes Leak To Torrent Sites; Internet Collectively Shits Itself

LOS ANGELES, California  – 

The first 5 episodes of the fifth season of Game of Thrones was leaked to the internet earlier this week, and the internet immediately shit its pants with excitement over the news. Many people were clamoring to torrent websites to download the episodes, which were not scheduled to air until April 12th, but had hit the internet on April 10th.

As of this writing, over 45,000 people were seeding, or sharing, each of the 5 episodes on the popular filesharing website bigtorrent.org, and on website Shwashbuckle.neteach episode was being shared by as many as a quarter of a million users.

“We aren’t happy at all that this happened, nope, not a bit,” said HBO spokesman Jim Dugan. “We definitely didn’t leak the episodes ourself for publicity for the show, no, definitely not. And we will argue vehemently with anyone who says otherwise. This show leak is horrible for us. It’s definitely not going to drum up excitement for the rest of the series, causing people to subscribe to us via cable our encourage them to purchase our new network, HBONow, which has every single episode of every single show we have, as well as all the great HBO movies you’ve come to expect from us. Hell no, not a chance.”

Most people who have watched the episodes and reported on them throughout websites and forums, say that the show is still just as good as it’s always been.

“Yeah, I watched them, they were pretty good,” said torrent user MegaCock4UBabez6969. “I mean, the quality wasn’t HD, which pissed me off. But whatever, the episodes were good. There were tits, and there was blood, so I’m happy.”

HBO executives say that they have no plans to release the episodes any sooner just because of the internet leak.

Man Arrested For Killing Neighbor Tells Police ‘He Had A Bigger TV’

Man Arrested For Killing Neighbor Tells Police 'He Had A Bigger TV'

FAIRFIELD, New Hampshire – 

Envy rears its ugly head yet again as a family is briefly left in tears over the death of James Moore, 29 – father, husband, and owner of a huge TV.

Police arrested Darnell Wilson, 23, at the scene of the crime shortly after it happened. He made no attempt to resist. During questioning, he gave an honest account of what happened, verified by the victim’s family.

“Day in, day out, they’d have that TV on. I could see it through my kitchen window – part of it anyway,” he explained. “The man’s TV was at least 70 inches. What was I supposed to do? Any self-respecting man would’ve done the same.”

In a fit of jealousy and embarrassment at his mediocre 42-inch TV, Wilson paid his neighbor a visit with a fully loaded handgun. Moore’s family, initially grief-stricken and confused, came to visit Wilson and express their sympathy. Carla, wife of the deceased, said her husband “probably would have done the same” if they had such a tiny TV. The family is pressing charges regardless, because they are Americans, after all.

While Wilson is facing a trial, police say a murder penalty is unlikely due to the circumstances. The sentence is likely to be two years maximum for aggravated embarrassment with a capitalist-conditioning plea.

“I mean, it’s not like he stole our TV,” Carla said. “I’d be okay with just getting some money out of the whole thing. James didn’t have life insurance.”

The family has since purchased heavier window curtains to avoid similar annoyances in the future.

Obama Calls For ‘Prepping’ To Be Outlawed, Calls Preppers ‘Homegrown Terrorists’

Obama Calls For 'Prepping' To Be Outlawed, Calls Preppers ‘Homegrown Terrorist’

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama urged Congress today to pass laws limiting the amount of food and ammunition a citizen can have on stockpile at any given time. The President was quotes as saying that “These people preparing for a government collapse are the one’s most likely to cause it.” 

“The government is here to supply your needs, so there’s no need to have a 3 year food supply hidden in your basement,” said President Obama. ”After binge-watching episodes Doomsday Preppers on the Netflix, I see how dangerous and un-American these people are. In a failing society we all have to work together, and if you’re hoarding food, there’s less for everyone else. No one should be hoarding ammunition, and I think anything more than 50 rounds should be criminal. I’m asking Congress to push through new laws, making it a crime to have more than a 30 day supply of food or more than 50 rounds of ammunition in your home. These preppers are more of a danger to America than ISIS, and they need to be stopped.” 

“He’s right again, as always,” said Democrat Nancy Pelosi. “Preppers are dangerous and crazy people. If there’s a disaster, the government will help you and your family. Prepping is some kind of mental illness, and they shouldn’t even be able to have guns and weapons.” 

Not everyone feels the way that President Obama and other democrats do, though. Many republican senators are quick to strike down the proposal, saying that prepping is something that should be the God-given right of every American citizen.

“Preppers are smart, they know history shows you can’t count on your government,” explained Senator Ted Cruz. “When I’m President, I’m going to encourage everyone to have at several years of canned food and bottled water on hand. Preparing to take care of your family is the American way, and the only way that will keep us strong in time of dire need. If Obama wants to talk prepping, he should prep his ass for some serious fight on this issue.”

 

NBC Confirms ‘Seinfeld’ Coming Back To Television, Entire Cast Signs 3 Year Deal

NBC Confirms ‘Seinfeld’ Coming Back To Television, Entire Cast Signs 3 Year Deal

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Time to rejoice America, Seinfeld is officially coming back to TV in the fall of 2015. Negotiations have been going on behind closed doors for months, and NBC refused to greenlight the project until the entire cast signed on, with Jerry himself being the last holdout.

“I was under a lot of pressure from the guys to sign on,” said the show’s star, Jerry Seinfeld. ”I was pretty happy being semi-retired and stupidly wealthy, but Julia, Michael, and Jason, man, they really needed the money and wanted to be on top again. So I guess I’ll come back and star cashing those million-dollar-per-episode checks again. Larry David will produce us once more, and the show will still be about nothing, just nothing set years later. It’s going to be the same exact set, it’s going to be like we never left. The first episode will be about auto-correct and text messages, should be a lot of fun.”

“Kramer’s back baby!” said Michael Richards. ”Thank God Jerry agreed to do it. The best thing is all of us being back together again. We were all part of something special years ago and we never stopped being friends. I don’t care if no one watches, which clearly won’t even be possible, but as long as I get to work with my best friends and those sweet TV paychecks come in, I’ll be happy. Anything that keeps people from remembering that racist tirade I went on a few years back. Oh damn, I brought it up again, didn’t I? Er – Seinfeld! Yeah!”

“It’s sad that they have to keep rehashing these old shows,” said film and TV critic Carmine Classi. ”With all the crap on TV today though, I’m really looking forward to Seinfeld coming back this fall. Dreyfus, Richards, and Alexander all sucked on solo projects, but together they at least make a passible show. It may be about nothing, but plenty of people watched Jersey Shore, and that’s not exactly about anything, either. Personally, I think Jerry Seinfeld deserves a Nobel Peace Prize or something for making this happen.”

 

Conan O’Brien Fired By TBS After Reportedly Tweeting Joke About Muhammad

NEW YORK CITY, New York – Conan O’Brien Fired By TBS After Reportedly Tweeting Joke About Muhammad

Late night talk show host Conan O’Brien has reportedly been released from his show, Conan, by TBS executives for tweeting a joke about the prophet Muhammad. The tweet was only posted for a matter of minutes, before a slew of complaints forced Twitter to remove the offending joke. 

”I would like to personally apologize to the Muslim people for whatever Conan has said,” said TBS executive Bart Brennan. “I did not personally see the joke, but I want to make it clear TBS had nothing to do with it. I hope our swift firing of Conan, even before knowing any facts, proves that TBS cares about minorities and religious dogma. In closing, we at TBS are really, really sorry. As I said, we never even saw the joke, but I want to make it clear that we never really liked him anyway.”

Several famous friends of Conan’s were reached out to for their thoughts on his firing, but most celebrities reached by Empire News said that they were either ‘too busy’ to comment, or that they ‘didn’t care enough to have an opinion.’

“I want to let the Muslim people know that Conan O’Brien is no longer my client, and that we parted ways the minute I heard about the tweet,” said Sol Simmons, Conan’s former agent. “I want to apologize to the Muslim people, and I want to stress, I never saw the joke. The truth is, my partners and I never liked him anyway.”

Most late night television viewers say that won’t miss Conan’s show, as there were too many others to choose from as it was, with most people preferring Fallon, anyway.

“He has always been a disappointment,” said Conan’s mother Mary. “He was always a little pain, and I told him, ‘Conan, comedy is definitely not for you.’ I just want to apologize to the Muslim people and I want to make it clear that I have severed all ties with my son. I never saw the joke myself; I don’t even know what Tweeter is. Truth is, though, we never liked him anyway.”

O’Brien says that he’s not really too worried about finding more work.

“Someone out there probably likes me,” said the comedian. “As it is, I really don’t see the big deal. I wrote the joke myself, so it obviously wasn’t even funny.”

TBS has stated that they are considering replacing O’Brien with Arnold Schwarzenegger, and re-working the name to Late Night With Conan The Barbarian. 

Oprah Winfrey Files For Bankruptcy

CHICAGO, Illinois – Oprah Winfrey Files For Bankruptcy

One of the most powerful women in show business has reportedly filed for bankruptcy. Oprah Winfrey – who just two years ago was worth an estimated $2.9 billion dollars – is now almost penniless, according to insiders.

“Poor financial decisions, poor political decisions, and now she’s just poor,” said Financial guru Max Manel. ”Her biggest downfall by far is her O Network. Ever since its conception, it’s been a giant money pit. Instead of just admitting failure and moving on, Oprah has been pouring millions more of her own money back in just to keep it on the air.”

“She also has made, multiple times, the poor decision of thinking she could be a political-backing powerhouse,” said analyst Connie Murphy. “Oprah has been wasting millions backing democrats on everything from small, local elections, to almost single-handedly funding both of Barack Obama’s campaigns.”

“She, like many people, really feels a need to be loved by everyone,” said Oprah’s close friend, Mary Williams. “Her self-esteem is horrible. All the expensive gifts she gave away on her talk show were just to get people to like her. Oprah buys people’s love with cash and presents. Until the O Network launched, and immediately bottomed out, she could afford to give out lavish gifts. But because of the complete failure of the network, plus the millions of dollars in cars, boats, trips, and every other ridiculous thing she gave away on TV, she’s just left broke.”

“It’s sad, so sad to watch,” said an anonymous intern at the O Network. “All she does is eat Bon-Bon’s and ice cream. Now that she’s broke, no one returns her phone calls. She watches E! News and sees Beyoncé and Jay-Z at parties with President Obama, and cries because she wasn’t invited, too. So, so sad.”

Oprah reportedly had no public comment on her bankruptcy.

 

Former Child Star Amanda Bynes Rushed To Hospital With Migraines – What Doctors Discover Is Unbelievable!

THOUSAND OAKS, California – Former Child Star Amanda Bynes Rushed To Hospital With Migraines - What Doctors Discover Is Unbelievable!

Former Nickelodeon child actress Amanda Bynes was rushed to the Los Robles Regional Medical Center after complaining of severe migraines to her roommate and live-in boyfriend. Both stated that they had not seen her take any medications or drugs before the headaches began, but began acting in a ‘crazy, erratic’ manner.

“She was saying crazy, insane things,” said Bynes’ roommate, who wished to remain anonymous. “It was just like she was acting back in October, when she went off on Twitter talking about her dad sexually abusing her, and how her parents put a chip in her head to control her and make her say and do crazy things. Except this time, the behavior also came with these extreme headaches. We’re all so scared for her.”

Upon her assessment with hospital staff, doctors found that Bynes’ would try desperately to rip open the skin on her head, digging her nails into her scalp. When doctors were able to perform a CAT scan, they were shocked to discover a small, plastic, MicroSD card inserted into her scalp.

Bynes’ family released a statement following Amanda’s admittance to the hospital:

Amanda, our sweet daughter, is finally getting the help she needs. We as a family would only like our privacy in this sensitive time. We also would like to abolish any rumors, as we do not condone abusing or putting microchips in your children. Thank you.

After the families press release, Mary Boherh, a case manager for state of California’s Department of Health and Human Services was called by the hospital. She has stated that there was, indeed, a microchip found implanted inside Bynes’ head, and that it has since been removed. Ali Belair, a doctor at the facility where Bynes’ is being treated, said that Amanda is ‘doing extremely well,’ and she is expected to be released to an outpatient program within the next few weeks where she can continue being cared for and observed.

Police investigators are looking into the allegations that Bynes’ parents may have had her under a form of mind-control by implanting the chip inside her head.

Televangelist T.D. Jakes Wants ‘Peppa Pig’ Cartoon Taken Off Air, Claims Show Contains Racist Subliminal Messages

DALLAS, Texas – Televangelist T.D. Jakes Wants 'Peppa Pig' Cartoon Taken Off Air, Claims Show Contains Racist Subliminal Messages

Superstar television evangelist T.D. Jakes is in the news this morning, after ranting about a popular children’s cartoon during a radio interview on WGOD AM,  a non-profit, non-denominational based radio program which airs throughout the state of Texas.

Jakes, who is Bishop of The Potter’s House, the famous mega-church located in Dallas, claims that the animated children’s program Peppa Pig contains several unethical subconscious messages, most notably of sexual and racist content.

“We live together in a loving world, and sometimes that gets taken advantage of in an evil manner,” Jakes said. “Recently it was brought to my attention by a nice young lady in our congregation that while watching the cartoon program Peppa Pig, she noticed several suspicious, and very adult, references. When I sat down with her to watch an episode, I was overwhelmingly appalled to learn that her suspicions were, in fact, reality.”

The 57-year-old Man of God went on to explain that the characters featured on Peppa Pig highly resembled penises, and that characters were often gallivanting and making racist comments.

“They snort and laugh at the other animals, making fun of anyone who is not a pig. Plus, all the pig faces are drawn to look like penises and testicles. In the episode I watched, they told the rabbit and the turtle to ‘sit in the back of the bus’ as they snorted and giggled,” Jakes said. “It’s really inappropriate for young children. They even make reference to ‘muddy puddles,’ which is definitely a slang for African-Americans if I’ve ever heard one. Despicable!”

This is not the first time Peppa Pig has been called out for being racist. Members of the Muslim communities in the United Kingdom, where the show is recorded and produced, signed a petition in recent months claiming the show was clearly anti-Muslim and promoted the gross consumption of pork.

Empire News attempted to contact Jakes to no avail, but Nickelodeon officials did return an email saying there was absolutely no truth behind the claims of racism or sexual innuendo, and that the popular children’s program would continue to be aired in heavy rotation.

Peppa Pig, as most parents of toddlers are no doubt aware, currently airs at least 167 times daily, on networks such as Nickelodeon and Nick Jr. in the United States, and several others internationally.

 

 

 

Nickelodeon Announces All-New Episodes Of Popular 90s Cartoons

ORLANDO, Florida – Nickelodeon Announces All-New Episodes Of Popular 90s Cartoons

Nickelodeon, the “TV Network for Children,” announced this morning that they are going to be running new episodes of several popular cartoons and shows from their 90s lineup. The announcement comes after huge ratings were garnered with the cartoons, as repeats have been airing for several years on Teen Nick.

“We used to have a dedicated channel, called GAS, or Games and Sports, just for our old Nickelodeon shows like Legends of the Hidden Temple and GUTS,” said Nickelodeon Spokesman Ren Hoek. “That channel did extremely well for us for years, because even as the children who grew up on those programs became adults, there was still a nostalgia factor that they loved, and they’d tune in. We hope for everyone to experience that same nostalgia as we bring back classic cartoons from our 90s lineup.”

Shows from the ‘classic’ lineup that are getting new episodes are said to include Hey Arnold!, Rugrats, CatDog, and Are You Afraid of the Dark? Some shows that started during that era are still airing new episodes on Nickelodeon, such as Spongebob Squarepants, which has been in continuous rotation on the channel for years, celebrating its 15th year on the air in 2014.

“We really just want to give these kids – excuse me, these young adults – what they want,” said Hoek. “You have to understand, that a lot of those children who grew up on shows like Doug or Clarissa Explains it All are old enough that they have kids, and they want to share memories of their favorite old shows with their children now. We want to make sure they get that.”

“This is the best damn thing I’ve heard in ages!” said Nickelodeon fan Joe Goldsmith. “Are You Afraid of the Dark is one of my favorite shows of all time. I’ve been showing some of the old episodes to my son, Joey Jr., because they finally put them on Amazon Prime to stream, and he loves them. He’s 7, which is about the same age I was when I watched them. This is like a dream to get new episodes.”

According to Hoek, new episodes are being written and created now, and will each be introduced with a marathon of classic episodes, leading into a several hour block of new episodes. The entire list of shows that are getting new episodes has not yet been released.

 

 

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