PALO ALTO, California –
Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg has announced that he will be stepping down from the company, after allegations that he orchestrated his team to steal private information from site users, and resold it for millions.
“While I can neither confirm nor deny that I was a part of the stolen user data, it happened on my watch as CEO, and that’s not right,” said Zuckerberg. “Effective immediately, I am stepping down as the CEO of Facebook.”
When asked what his next plans were, Zuck was initially shy about answering, but was eventually persuaded to admit that he had his ambitions set on running the country in place of Facebook.
“Realistically, I was already running the country anyway,” said Zuckerberg. “Do you know anyone who isn’t on Facebook? Exactly. When you run the biggest website in the world that billions log onto every day, you’re basically running things, if you understand what I mean.”
Zuckerberg has not officially announced his candidacy, but sources close to him say he is “absolutely” planning a run in 2020.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Top secret documents leaked to the press by a White House staffer showed that President Trump ordered the hiring of over 2,000 illegal immigrants to begin working on his border wall between Texas and Mexico. The documents, released to the press only hours ago, also stated that he was prepared to offer each worker upwards of $40 an hour.
“This is a goddamn outrage,” said construction worker Chris Thomas. “I have been bidding for the border wall job for nearly a year, and it’s the goddamn illegals that get the job? Isn’t the whole point of the wall to keep these sand people out of the fucking country?”
Trump released a statement on Twitter, stating that “all suspicion of illegals being used for labor at the border are false.” He went on to say that “Fake News” had struck again.
“I would never hire undocumented workers,” tweeted Trump. “The Fake News Media has struck again, and you’re all buying it. We don’t have any staffers in the WH that would leak that news, even if it were true.”
NEW YORK CITY, New York –
Joe Jackson, the extremely abusive father and former manager of The Jackson Five, died today. He was 89. Only last week, he was the “victim” of a death hoax after he was reportedly hospitalized with advance-stage cancer. His family refuted the claims last week, but have now since stated that yeah, the guy is finally, and thankfully, dead.
The Jackson family made a public announcement about the death of the Patriach, stating that “We really aren’t affected by his death,” with at least one family member quoted as saying “good riddance.”
“Honestly, the guy was a royal prick, and everyone knew that,” said one of the Jackson clan, speaking anonymously so as not to “make waves” throughout the family. “Everyone has seen The Jacksons: An American Dream. God knows VH1 has been airing it for decades. He was a cold-blooded bastard who beat the kids regularly, especially Michael. Did he push everyone to become better performers? Maybe, sure. But not the expense of having a life, and of love.”
Joe Jackson will be remembered my some, and forgotten by most. His family says that in lieu of flowers, please send worn leather belts and broken tree branches in remembrance.
As the World Cup championship gets underway, the TV ratings for the sport have dwindled to record lows, with only approximately 1 out of every 3 million homes tuning in. Despite marketing the event all over the world, FIFA has said they are “really upset” by the numbers.
“We depend on people to watch the games from home, because the ad revenue is what we live off of the next 4 years before the next Cup,” said spokesman Ron Pele. “The ad revenue this year, we’re…well, it’s beans and franks the next four years. No one is watching.”
“Honestly, I only ever watched the Cup because it’s all the was on before I had cable,” said former soccer fan Mario Bluth. “Now that I have Netflix and stuff, why the hell would I watch soccer? They’re a bunch of pussies.”
Numbers outside of the United States and Canada have also dwindled to record lows, with FIFA saying that it’s possible they may need to cancel TV presentation of future events.
“This TV time isn’t cheap, and sponsors are calling us with threats to pull ads left and right,” said Pele. “This is really, really bad for the sport of soccer. Or Football. Whatever you call it. Who cares?”
ATLANTA, Georgia –
Frito-Lay, the company who manufactures Doritos-brand tortilla chips, has announced that they have plans to make an excessively large chip, with plans to release it later this summer.
“After a viral meme caught our attention, relating the name ‘Dorito’ to meaning ‘little Doro,’ in Spanish, and surmising that must mean that somewhere out there are ‘large Doros,’ we decided to give the public exactly what they want,” said Frito-Lay spokesman Mario Rogers. “We will be unveiling the DoroXL by the end of the summer, with chips that are roughly the size of the current Party Bag of Doritos.”
The company says this is the first time they’ve ever turned an internet joke into an actual product, but they believe it will sell very well.
“With the success of our Doritos-Locos tacos at Taco Bell with stoners and alcoholics, there is no way that this product can fail,” said Rogers. “We are very excited for everyone to see these new chips. They’re literally the size of your head.”
The product will come in the original nacho cheese and “Cool Ranch” flavor to start, and Rogers says that – sales figures depending – the company may release other popular flavors in the DoroXL brand.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
President Donald Trump has reportedly offered Roseanne Barr a job in his cabinet at the White House, after ABC fired Roseanne and cancelled her sitcom over racist tweets made by the comedian. President Trump says that he “feels horrible” for the TV star, and says that there is “absolutely a job” for her in the White House.
“Roseanne is a national treasure, and is loved by many,” said President Trump. “Her tweets were her own thoughts, which were shared by many people across this great nation. I, for one, believe that she deserves another chance, and as such, will be allowing her to be the chairperson of a new position I’m creating in the White House – Director of Race Relations.”
If Roseanne decides to take the job, she will be in charge of working with people of all different races throughout the country in trying to “smooth over” issues between them.
“This will include teaching black people not to shoot and rob each other, teaching Mexicans how to wear deodorant in public, that sort of thing,” said President Trump. “I absolutely believe that Roseanne is the perfect person for this job.”
NEW YORK CITY, New York –
No more than 72 hours after turning himself into authorities after allegations he sexually assaulted dozens of women of the last few decades, Harvey Weinstein has reportedly been “savagely beaten and raped, and left for dead” in a prison cell while he was awaiting sentencing.
According to police, Weinstein was supposed to be in a “restricted cell,” designed for celebrities and rich socialites, and to protect sexual deviants. Unfortunately, prison officials say there was a “slight mix-up,” and Weinstein was put into the general population.
“He only was with his cellmate for about 15 minutes before we found a massacre in the cell,” said Warden Shawn Michaels. “It was really one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever seen.”
Weinstein was rushed to an area hospital after the prison facilities proved to be unfit for his medical needs. He is currently in a medical-induced coma. Prison officials say that although there were only the two men in the cell – Weinstein and another unnamed prisoner – they currently have no leads on the attack, and say they are “looking into it.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
For the first time since October of 2017, there were no school shootings in the entire United States this week, and police throughout the country are breathing a huge sigh of relief.
“Every week, you never know if it’s going to be your town that it happens, that your station is the next to get the call,” said Deputy Michael Rick of the Miami Police Department, a 23-year veteran. “So far, we’ve been lucky here. We have had plenty of other gun violence, but no school shootings. We’re always prepared, though. You have to be.”
The sentiments were echoed by hundreds of officers around the country that we spoke to, with nearly all of them saying that they’re dreading the day it happens in their town.
“It almost seems like it’s not an ‘if’ anymore, but a ‘when,'” said Chief Mario Francis of the Dallas-Forth Worth State Patrol. “I have 3 young kids in school in the area, and I don’t know what I’d do. All I know is, if I have to shoot a kid before he shoots my kid, I’ll goddamn do it.”
From Daily World Update:
Roseanne Barr has just filed a suit against George Soros and ABC, claiming the liberal money machine coerced the network into canning her new show over a “misunderstood tweet.” Barr is suing Soros for $60 million, which she claims is lifetime lost revenue for her current and past syndication contracts, as well as the $1 million per episode she was being paid to begin with.
Coincidentally, this lawsuit coincides well with another – a class-action suit is being brought against Roseanne herself by the entire cast and crew of her now-cancelled sitcom.
“I was counting on that paycheck for at least a few seasons,” said Bonnie Jones, a camera operator. “I passed on a few other gigs, and locked into this with ABC and the production company. There’s no way in hell I’m going after ABC, but I have no problems going after Roseanne herself. This is, after all, entirely her fault.”
Co-Star John Goodman echoed the sentiments, but refused to acknowledge whether he was partaking in the lawsuit against Roseanne.
“I don’t need the money, I don’t even really need the work. I’ve never stopped working,” said Goodman. “But I am disappointed that this all ended just because Rosie turned out to be a racist. I mean my God, who would have thought?”
LOS ANGELES, California –
Hollywood moguls at film studios across the city are in a “desperate search” for an actor who hasn’t sexually assaulted anyone before next award’s season begins, and so far, the search is coming up short.
“We’re really digging deep into the backgrounds of everyone, and it’s so hard to find anyone who hasn’t ‘accidentally’ raped an unconscious girl, or made lewd comments at a press junket,” said a Hollywood executive who wished to go unnamed. “It’s really starting to put the fear of God into executives.”
“We absolutely have to make sure that we don’t nominate someone for an award, only to find out later that they like, molested a young boy 30 years ago, or something like that,” said a film producer for a major studio. “I mean, someone like Kevin Spacey, yeah, you kind of always thought there was something weird about him, but Morgan Freeman? Morgan fucking Freeman is being accused of lewd conduct now. My mind is blown, you can’t trust anyone.”
There has been talk by Oscar officials about whether to honor any males at the awards ceremony in 2019 at all, saying that they may just completely can the actor awards across the board, and only nominated and award women winners.