New Thrill Of Shooting Air Into Rectum With Bike Pump Kills Hundreds of Teens

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pump

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

“The government must crack down on this disgusting craze of Pumping”, a spokesman for the prestigious Carlson Hospital in Boston, Massachusetts, told reporters. “If this perversion catches on, it will destroy this country worse than it already is.”

John Miles, MD, was speaking after the remains of 13-year-old Charlie Richards had been brought into the hospital’s emergency room, the latest victim of the internet trend “pumping,” which began in Taiwan.

“Most ‘Pumpers’ use a standard bicycle pump,” he explained, “inserting the nozzle far up their rectum, giving themselves a rush of air, creating a momentary high. It’s highly dangerous, and so far, we’ve seen at least 100 cases of children who were killed or severely injured from ‘pumping.'”

Charlie Richards took it further than others, and it cost him his life. He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but that wasn’t exciting enough for him, and he boasted to friends that he was going to try the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do it so, under cover of darkness, he snuck in.

Not realising how powerful the machine was, he inserted the tube deep into his rectum, and placed a coin in the slot. As a result, he died instantly, but passers by are still in shock. One woman thought she was watching a twilight firework display, and started clapping.

“We still haven’t located all of him,” says Police Chief Joe Whitcum. “When that quantity of air interacted with the gas in his system, he nearly exploded. It was like a tiny atom bomb went off or something.”

“Pumping is the devil’s pastime, and we must all say no to Satan,” Dr. Miles concluded. “Inflate your tires by all means, but then hide your bicycle pump where it cannot tempt you.”

Women Use Pubic Hair In New Nail Designs

pubic hair

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Hollywood has always been at the forefront of crazy trends, but this latest one might just be the most bizarre. According to fashion magazine and website GirlLooks, women are shaving their pubic hair and forming it into crazy, hairy fingernail designs.

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“Hair is sexy, but hair down there is definitely not,” said fashion mogul Jerard DuPre. “But, if you take that pussy hair, and you trim it, and you comb it, and you soften it with the most luxurious conditioners, and then you glue it to your fingernails, you will be a bombshell.”

DuPre says that he came up with the technique after seeing how much hair was wasted at his Hollywood salon.

“Women come in all the time for new hairdos, waxings, and bikinis,” said DuPre. “We were throwing away pounds of hair a week. Now, we take the hair from the nether-regions and repurpose it. The trend caught on better than I ever could have imagined.”

Major stars including Jennifer Lawrence, Kim Kardashian, and even Barbara Walters have all been seen using their pussy hair as nail trimmings.

“It’s beautiful, and all women at the forefront of fashion and trends are doing it,” said DuPre.

Teen Killed In ‘Dodge The Bullet’ Game

dodge

DALLAS, Texas – 

A 15-year-old teen was killed last weekend after he and his friends decided to play a new game they had seen online, “dodge the bullets.” The game, which is taking off in viral YouTube videos, has a person stand near a wall or other solid object while friends take turns firing shots at them from pistols or rifles.

“In all my years as a police officer, this is probably the dumbest trend I’ve ever seen kids take part in,” said police chief Joe Goldsmith. “Why they think this would be a good idea, or even possible for a long period of time, is beyond me.”

The goal of the game, according to the internet, is to not flinch for as long as possible before jumping out of the way. Most of the time, the “dodger” leaps out of the way well before the shot is fired. In this case, 15-year-old Caleb Matthew waited a little too long to dodge.

Criminal filings could be underway for Matthew’s friends, who his parents say owned the gun, and left it unlocked in their home. The Matthews family says they also plan to sue the other families of the teens involved. Those names have not been released due to the age of the teens.

Morgan Freeman Reportedly Transitioning To Female, Changing Name To Morgan Freewoman

morgan

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Actor Morgan Freeman, best known for being the black guy in every film ever made, has reportedly come out as transgendered, and has been seen dressing as a woman while out and about in Los Angeles.

“I can’t take it seriously, I just can’t,” said an onlooker at La Fete, a famous Hollywood lounge. “I saw Morgan Freeman walk in, and he’s wearing a blonde wig and bright purple eyeshadow. It was ridiculous. I know I should be more respectful – it was hard enough not laughing hysterically the first time I saw Bruce Jenner walking down the street in pumps, but this was just a new level of absurd.”

Freeman was reached out to be media outlets, and he confirmed that yes, he had been dressing as a woman.

“I’ve been dressing this way for many, many years, but it was only when I saw how brave Caitlyn Jenner was that I was able to be brave, too,” said Freeman. “I would like it very much if people could respect my wishes, though, and now refer to me as Morgan Freewoman.”

“I mean, I think Caitlyn Jenner is a piece of shit who should be in jail for her part in, you know, killing someone,” said one of Morgan Freewoman’s fans, Joe Goldsmith. “She, he, whatever, can go straight to hell. Bigoted bitch. Morgan Freewoman, on the other hand, is a beautiful, and respectful person who deserves to be able to have some privacy during this time.”

New Hampshire Becomes First State To Legalize Tattooing of Infants Following Russian Viral Trend

baby tattoo

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

After several viral videos and images hit the web of Russian babies being tattooed, state legislators in New Hampshire have agreed that the trend is a positive one, and have agreed to allow parents to begin having their babies inked in the Granite State.

“Parents have been modifying their babies for years, from circumcision to ear piercing, no one has ever said that we, as a culture, have ever had an issue with changing our baby’s appearance for our own benefit,” said New Hampshire state representative Mary Lambert. “I pierced my daughter’s ears when she was only 4 months old. Had tattooing her been legal then, I would have done that as well.”

Lambert says that although the state has agreed to allow parents to have their babies tattooed, it still must be done in a licensed, professional shop.

“There is already an epidemic of tattoo ‘scratchers’ who buy these cheap, Chinese tattoo machines on the internet, and obtain disguting, non-FDA approved ink and tattoo others from their home,” said Lambert. “This included, previously, people who were under 18 getting nasty, homemade tattoos on a regular basis. We feel this law will help to curb that behavior, as it allows anyone of any age to get tattoos as long as a parent signs a consent form.”

Several other states have reported that they are keeping a “close eye” on any issues encountered by New Hampshire as the state becomes the first in the nation to allow tattooing of anyone, of any age.

Woman Posts ‘Ten Hours Walking in Heels’ Video To Internet – The Comments She Gets Are Disgusting

walking in heels

CHICAGO, Illinois – 

One of the most recent fads on the internet is the “ten hours walking” video – a montage of a person, usually with some particular identifying characteristic, walking down the streets of a city to prove a point. The latest of these is “Ten Hours Walking in Heels,” filmed by possibly the bravest woman on the planet.

Sandra Gaaf said she got the idea one day when she was trying on a pair of high heels at a shoe store, walking up and down the aisle to get a feel for them, when a man walked by and said simply: “those look painful.”

That was the only spark she needed.

“I still can’t believe we live in a world where a woman can’t walk around in bone-deformingly high heels without getting comments about them,” said Gaaf.

The following day she set out wearing the same pair of heels and walked the streets of Chicago. Men and women alike turned their heads and grimaced as she walked by. Out of all the comments and looks, Gaaf says one stood out and stuck with her for the entire day.

“This woman had the nerve to act compassionate and concerned. It’s about three minutes into the video – she says, ‘hey lady, I’ve got a spare pair of sneakers – you look like you could use them!’ Can you believe that? I mean, what was she trying to say with that last part?”

As part of Gaaf’s experiment she bit her lip and kept walking, but couldn’t shake the remark even during our interview.

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