Donald Trump Says He Will Release Government Secrets: Who Really Shot Kennedy, Faked Moon Landing, and More

Posted on January 25, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump announced this morning that he plans to “open the vault” on government secrets that have, until now, only been available to presidents and high-ranking officials.

“As a thank you to the American people, who have worked so hard to get me into this position, I will be releasing some of the world’s greatest secrets, in full detail. Information that was all a part of the President’s Secret Book, as it were. Things that even I, as a billionaire, didn’t know about our country. The stories are amazing.”

Trump says that he will start with some of the biggest “conspiracy theories,” such as who really shot John F. Kennedy, as well as the secrets to the faked moon landing.

“That one is incredible, truly incredible. There are a lot of theories out there, and a lot of people who truly believe we landed on the moon,” laughed Trump. “Everyone will find out soon enough the truth, and they will have their minds completely blown.”

Leaked FBI Documents Show Assassination Plot Stopped Only Hours Before Trump’s Inauguration

Posted on January 25, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Recently leaked FBI documents show that the organization were able to stop an attempted assassination of President Donald Trump only hours before he was sworn in.

According to Anonymous, who posted the various briefings on websites 4chan and Reddit, the documents were taken and leaked to show how Americans already have a “severe hatred” for Donald Trump.

“The man hadn’t even been sworn in yet, and already there was a plot to take him out,” said one commenter. “It’s crazy, and it’s truly going to be a disgusting 4 years.”

The documents show that FBI agents had been tipped to a possible shooting assassination of Donald Trump a week before his inauguration and, although the information was initially deemed to be false, an investigation was required regardless. FBI coordinator Miles Richards said that it was only with “extreme luck” that the attempted assassination was thwarted.

“We received information about a man named Booth who planned to shoot Donald Trump during his swearing in ceremony. Booth is a military-trained sniper who served in Afghanistan, and with the equipment and training that this man has, he would have been more than capable of pulling off the assassination.”

Richards says that they expected to find nothing during the investigation, but that Booth made one fatal error.

“He posted on his Facebook that he planned to kill Trump. I mean, he ended the post with a winky-laughing face, but when we checked him out, we realized that it was true nonetheless.”

Morbidly Obese Woman Let Her Children Die Of Starvation: ‘There Was Only Enough Food For Me’

Posted on December 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BIGSBY, New Jersey –

A New Jersey woman has been arrested after all 3 of her young children were found dead in her home. The cause of death has been listed as malnutrition. The woman starved all of her kids because she said she could “only afford enough food” for herself.

“Look, ya’ll know I’m on the welfare. I ain’t got enough money coming in to feed my ass, plus all them damn kids. This ain’t no restaurant. I gotsta eat, and they just young kids. They didn’t need much anyway,” said Tawanda Grapes, 30. “This whole thing got me all fucked up, because I ain’t been able to eat in a couple hours now with all these cops asking questions and stuff.”

According to police, Grapes was only feeding her children “whatever was left” after her meals, which normally was not much more than a few drops of ketchup on the hamburger wrapper or the melted ice from a soda cup.

Police are saying it is it the worst case of child abuse that they have ever seen. The children, who were aged 2, 3, and 6, had not eaten in as many as 11 days, says the medical examiner.

Grapes will be charged with voluntary manslaughter. If convicted, she will face the death penalty.

Teens Who Vape More Likely To Be Made Fun Of Than Those That Don’t, Study Finds

Posted on December 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A new study conducted by Harvard University shows that teens who “vape” are more likely to be made fun of than kids who do not. The study was performed over the last year, and monitored a group of 200 teens aged 15 to 19.

“Of the group, 100 of the kids were vapers, or kids who smoke using vape pens, etc.,” said that study chairman, Mick Horn. “Those kids were asked to vape in front of the other 100 kids, who proceeded, of course, to call the vape kids a slew of names, including ‘faggot,’ ‘tool,’ ‘loser,’ and ‘asshole,’ among others. When the study was flipped, the vape kids really had nothing to say about the non-vapers.”

According to his findings, Horn says that kids should decidedly not take up vaping, unless they like being made fun of.

“There’s really no point to vaping, short of smoking while looking like an extra douche bag,” said Horn. “I think that my study conclusively proves that.”

12-Year-Old Girl Who Didn’t Get Pony For Christmas Murders Parents While Wearing Horse Mask

Posted on December 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARLTON, California –

A 12-year-old girl who asked her parents to get her a pony for Christmas has been arrested for murder, after it was discovered that she stabbed and cut up her parents for not getting her what she asked for.

“I wanted a goddamn pony, and they got me a horse,” said the girl, whose name is not being revealed due to her age. “I didn’t want a fucking horse, I wanted a pony. There’s a difference, and if they’re too stupid to know it, then they’re too stupid to live.”

According to police, the young girl herself called 911 to admit to her crime, and said that they could find her parents in the “goddamn stable” next to the “diced up body of that shitty horse.”

Police Chief Carl Lewis said it was the most gruesome scene that he’d ever witnessed.

“There were horse parts and body parts all over. We really had no idea which piece was human and which was not, it was insane. That fact that this was all done by a little girl, that’s what makes it even scarier,” said Lewis. “We also found a rubber horse mask, which she apparently wore during the crime.”

Currently, the girl is being housed in an undisclosed prison by police, with plans for her to be arraigned on January 3rd. If convicted, she will be the youngest person ever put on death row.

Russia Is Probably Hacking Your Computer Right Now – What You Can Do To Stop Them!

Posted on December 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

UNITED STATES –

After it was confirmed that Russia easily hacked computers in the United States to rig the 2016 elections, the FBI is warning that it’s “very likely” that Russian hackers and spies are probably in your computer right now, looking at your files.

“There are many things that you can do to protect yourself from Russian hackers,” said FBI director J. Hoover Edgar. “For one, you want to make sure you put a piece of tape of your computer’s camera. That’s just something simple that every idiot knows to do by now. Another thing you can do is to get offline completely when not using the computer. Just unplug and turn off your machine, and you should probably unplug your router, too, just to be safe.”

Edgar also recommends writing most of your documents in Aramaic, the dead language spoken by Jesus Christ and his disciples.

“It’s very hard for Russians to read Aramaic, because most people don’t know it. If you learn it now, you will have a much better chance of your files not being read by Russian hackers,” said Edgar.

According to the FBI, the one thing that can almost certainly defeat a hacker, though, is to make sure you change your passwords 10 to 15 times a day, for all of your website logins, especially banks and social media accounts.

“If you leave your password as the same thing for more than a couple of minutes, you’re basically giving full access to your life,” said Edgar. “Change your passwords multiple times a day. It really keeps the ol’ Ruskies on their toes.”

Obama Orders Life-Sized Bronze Statute of Himself To Be Permanently Installed in White House

Posted on December 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama has ordered a $200,000, life-sized, bronze statue of himself, with plans to install it in the entryway of the White House. The president says that his legacy “should not be diminished,” and that this is the only way he can “keep an eye” over Trump, as well as future presidents.

“I have been president for only eight years, and in that time, I have done what no other presidents could do in all their time in total,” said Obama. “I have created a legacy that should not be diminished. I have created something that no future president will be able to do. In that regard, I have commissioned this statute, with plans to have it permanently erected in the entryway of the White House, so that all who enter can remember me fondly.”

The statue will not be allowed to be removed, as every president is allowed to leave one thing in the White House that must never be touched by future presidents. William Howard Taft left his giant bathtub. Bill Clinton left one of his saxophones. George W. Bush left a piece of mirror and a rolled up hundred.

Uber Driver Refuses To Pick Up Woman In Labor, Didn’t Want To Help Deliver Baby

Posted on December 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana –

An Uber driver in Indianapolis is being sued by a couple who had to deliver their baby on the street after they say the driver would not let them into his car.

“We ordered an Uber as soon as my wife went into labor, and when the driver showed up, late I might add, he wouldn’t take us to the hospital. He didn’t want to get any ‘baby gunk’ on his seats, and said he wouldn’t know what to do if he had to try and deliver the baby,” said John Richards. “My wife gave birth right on the sidewalk instead. Our baby could have caught something from the street filth!”

The driver, Mr. Tony Trims, says that there was “no fucking way” he was letting these people into his car when he saw that the woman was in labor.

“Look, I ain’t saying they’re bad people or nothing, but for sure she was gonna leak on my seats. Part of the Uber policy is that I don’t have to pick up anyone if I don’t want to. I took the job, yeah, but the next guy would have been along in about a minute,” said Trims. “They spent that time bitchin’ at me instead of ordering another Uber. Not my problem.”

The lawsuit has been filed by the Richards family, and they say that their lawyer thinks they have a “hell of” a discrimination case.

Melania Trump Talks About Cause She Plans To Take On During Donald’s Presidency

Posted on December 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Move over Michelle Obama with your useless childhood obesity campaign – Melania Trump, future first lady, has announced her “mighty cause” that she plans to take on during Donald’s time as president.

“I know that we have plenty of fat kids in the world, and that’s pretty bad,” said Melania. “But, another problem that is faced that is also pretty bad is the homeless people. They are so sad and they are so bad to look at, and I want to help.”

Melania says that her campaign will be to give designer bags to needy homeless people throughout the country.

“It is very important that people look nice, and the best way to look nice is to start with a nice bag,” said Melania, smiling. “I have many, many friends in designer industries, and they can all make pretty bags to give to these homeless. Maybe, with a nice bag, these people will find the strength to get a home, something that I’m sure most of them would like to have.”

Confirmed: 2017 Is The Year Jesus Returns To Earth

Posted on December 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After centuries of speculation, Empire News can confirm that 2017 will be the year that Jesus finally returns to Earth.

Many of his followers have been waiting a lifetime for this event, and it seems it will be happening on January 1st.

“After a long 2016 filled with some of the most horrible things to ever happen, including Trump getting elected and the death of so many icons like David Bowie and Prince, Jesus Christ has decided that 2017 will be the year he returns to put right the things that have gone wrong,” said Jesus’ spokesman Joseph Moore.

Moore says that Jesus has been preparing his comeback tour for quite some time, but could not find a reason that people really and truly needed him to come back.

“Now that the world is turning upside down, he sees the time is right for his return,” said Moore. “Watch for a sign on January 1st. He says that the Times Square event will be one to remember, for sure.”