Boston Marathon Bomber Tsarnaev Severely Injured In Prison, May Never Walk Or Talk Again

Posted on August 31, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

FORT DEVENS, Massachusetts –

Infamous Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, 22, was the victim of an “unfortunate accident” yesterday at Ft. Devens Detention Center in Massachusetts, just a few short months after his high-profile trial and sentencing, according to warden Paul Jacobson.

Corrections officers reportedly found the terror suspect face down in a pool of his own blood in his cell; a banana peel was found on the floor nearby.

“It initially appeared as though Tsarnaev slipped on a discarded banana peel and hit the floor with such force that his head bounced off the hard tile surface, probably 16 or 17 times. There was blood everywhere – all over the walls, the floor, even the toilet. The injuries have caused massive brain trauma,” said prison investigator Joe Goldsmith. “We determined though, through expert analysis, that it would be impossible for these injuries to have occurred through a fall. Our investigation has shown that that it was the Aryan Brotherhood who initiated an attack on Tsarnaev.”

“Yes, it was the brotherhood who took care of that bomber,” said Miles Smith, head of the Aryan Nation inside Devens. “The other gangs, they wanted him, too. We paid the guards the most money to have a shot. They stood aside, and let us do what we do. On the way out, they shook our hands, told us ‘Thank you.’ Well, You’re welcome. You’re welcome, Boston. You’re welcome, America!”

“Normally, an attack this violent, this cruel, on another inmate would get any offending party more time added to their sentence,” said warden Jacobson. “Because of the nature of Tsarnaev’s crimes, though, we have decided to actually reduce the sentences of the Aryan members who were involved. They have done our prison and our country a great service, and we appreciate it immensely. They are heroes in the eyes of not only this institution, but also in the eyes of the people of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.”

Tsarnaev had pled not guilty to all thirty charges filed against him, but was found guilty on all counts in April. He was sentenced to the death penalty per the crimes committed.

Lemonade Stands A Thing of the Past? Children In Colorado Starting ‘Weed Stands’

Posted on August 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOULDER, Colorado –

It’s been over a year and a half since marijuana was legalized in Colorado for recreational use, and it seems that the state has been doing extremely well. With a massive influx in cash, the state has been able to use the money for better their police and firehouses, to fix and maintain roadways, and for supercharging the education system.

It’s the last part that has gotten some children notice lately, as last week, two 11-year-old boys in Boulder began selling marijuana at a roadside stand. The two say they got the idea during their 5th grade math class.

“Our teacher, Mr. Ames, he told us we could do anything we wanted in life, including selling drugs!” said Joey Goldsmith, 11. “I never thought about it before, but now that weed is legal, anyone can get it. Well, anyone over 18. Thankfully, I have an older brother and he gets and smokes it all the time, so he lets me take some and my buddy Mike and I sell it in my front yard.”

Joey says that he and Mike have made over $4,000 in just under 6 days, selling medical-grade marijuana to the people of their suburban neighborhood.

“It’s a really great idea,” said Mike Falkner, also 11. “I took my $2,000, and I bought an XBox One and a PS4. It’s pretty awesome!”

Both children say their parents have been “very supportive” of their marijuana stand, and plan to help them in any way they can.

“With the amount of money that Joey is making, I was actually able to take more time off from work so that I could help them sell,” said Marlene Goldsmith, Joey’s mother. “I was a pediatric nurse making $11.50 an hour, so frankly, there’s more money in dealing.”

Authorities say they have checked on the status of the marijuana stand, and that the boys have done everything legally, including getting a dispensary license and filing forms with the state as a legitimate LLC.

Jared Fogle Makes Deal To Serve His Prison Time At Juvenile Detention Center

Posted on August 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ZIONSVILLE, Indiana –

Jared Fogle, the disgraced former pitchman for Subway sandwiches who recently admitted to having sex with girls as young as 9, has been charged with federal crimes of paying for and engaging in sexual acts with children, as well as receiving and distributing child pornography. Along with paying a reported $1.4M to 14 victims, Fogle will also be required to serve time in prison, although lawyers for the once-loved sandwich slinger say his time will be served quite differently.

“Mr. Fogle has made arrangements through the District Attorney’s office to do his mandatory prison time at an undisclosed juvenile facility,” said Fogle’s attorney, Joe Goldsmith. “Part of his plea deal was that he not be sent to a regular federal penitentiary, as he fears for his life.”

According to Fogle, he wouldn’t last “one day” in a standard federal prison.

“I may have committed these crimes, but I’m paying for it from my own wallet,” said Fogle. “I’d rather not have to pay for it with my life, which is what would happen if I went to a regular prison. I’d either have to be in protective custody 24/7, or I’d be taking footlong dicks and six inch shanks left and right. Doing my time at a facility for juveniles, I’ll be better able to protect myself from harm.”

Goldsmith says that a plea deal is being entered soon, and that Fogle will immediately after turn himself in to authorities to begin serving his time. Fogle has reportedly agreed to serve 5 years in exchange for his plea, but authorities are pushing for 11 years. Either way, because of his quasi-celebrity status, he’s bound to be out in 18 months.

FBI Charges Hillary Clinton With Multiple Counts Of Sharing ‘Top Secret’ E-Mails

Posted on August 30, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Democratic Presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton’s campaign has been struck a mighty blow today, with news of the FBI’s announcement of criminal charges being formally filed against her for allegedly sharing top secret information via public channels.

“President Obama was shocked to learn about the charges against Clinton today while reading the paper on a golf course in Hawaii,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest.”The President has said he puts his complete faith in the FBI, and promises to learn more about charges against Mrs. Clinton when he gets back to the White House next week.”

“I don’t know anything about how to set up an e-mail account,” said Clinton during a press conference this morning. ”When I was the Secretary of State, I thought it would just to be easier to use my current email address, HillaryRocks at AOL dot com. Chelsey set it up for me years ago, and it’s cute, so I kept it. I never knowingly shared top secret information with any foreign government – I’m just old, phones confuse me, and the buttons are so small. I may have hit ‘forward all’ a few times, but never on purpose. I committed no crime here, and it’s clear I’m being thrown under the bus by President Obama, who just wants to see Joe Biden as the next President!”

When asked why President Obama would have any reason to discredit her, Clinton mentioned that there may have been some issues between her family and his in the past.

“Well, Bill may have gotten a little frisky once with Michelle Obama at a government party, and Barack has held a grudge ever since. I want to promise my supporters that I will beat these charges, though, like we Clintons have always done. Even though I’m not smart enough to figure out how to have two different email addresses on one phone, I’m still smarter than Biden and those republican idiots.”

In another turn of events, Vice President Joe Biden says that he may actually run for president now, with the full support of Obama and his current cabinet.

“With this shocking news, it’s clear that I will have to throw my hat into the ring and run for President to save the Democratic party,” said Vice President Joe Biden. ”That’s right America, old Bumbling Joe needs your vote – and your money – because I am getting into the race, even if it is a little late.”

If found guilty of the crimes charged, Clinton could face up to 50 years in prison.

Handgun Charged With Murder Of 3 In Virginia

Posted on August 29, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

MONETA, Virginia –

In a shocking series of events, a semi-automatic handgun has been charged with the murder of 3 people in Moneta, Virginia, after a widely-broadcast shooting recently took place. Prosecutors are saying that since the alleged shooter was also killed, the only responsible party remaining is the actual gun itself.

“After murdering two people, the gunman used this semi-automatic pistol to then kill himself, leaving nothing behind except for the gun,” said prosecuting attorney Myles Shepherd. “Guns are extremely dangerous, and we feel it is time that they should be held accountable for their crimes.”

Attorneys for the defense team say that the Ruger semi-automatic handgun was acting under the control of someone else, and should therefore not be held accountable for its actions.

“This gun was simply doing what guns were made to do, and that’s fire off rounds shamelessly into the bodies of other people, even if that happens on national TV and in videos posted to social media,” said defense attorney Jeremiah Clifford. “Yes, people were killed. Yes, it was senseless and violent. But is that really the fault of the gun, or the person who was holding it? Everyone knows that guns don’t kill people, people kill people.”

“People may kill people, sure, but guns kill way more often. We strongly believe that guns are to blame for the crime and hate in this world, and that finally holding the weapon responsible will force peace everywhere,” said Shepherd. “Guns across the globe will be afraid to fire. They will no longer hurt and kill innocent people. They will be held accountable for their actions, and we may finally get some resolution to the problems of violence plaguing our nation.”

A hearing is set for this week in the Moneta County court system. If convicted, the gun could, ironically, face the death penalty.

Netflix Pulls Plug On Orange Is The New Black; The Reason Why May Shock You

Posted on August 28, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LOS GATOS, California –

In a bizarre turn of events, and just months after renewing the series for a fourth season, Netflix has reportedly announced that the critically acclaimed series Orange is the New Black has been cancelled.

“We regret to inform Netflix members that Orange is the New Black has been permanently cancelled,” said Netflix in a nationally published press release. “Additionally, starting October 1st, 2015, past episodes will no longer be available for streaming on our service. We apologize to fans of the show, but the time has come to say goodbye.”

The news is a shock to fans of the show, which is based on true events described in Piper Kerman’s memoir, Orange Is the New Black: My Year in a Women’s Prison, written about her experiences during her time in jail. The show was originally renewed for a fourth season in early April, before the third season had even been released.

According to inside sources, a Netflix programming manager insisted to that there be more male leads in the show. When Kohan put her foot down and refused to buy into the idea, Netflix management made known their displeasure with how the show represents women as being strong, forceful, and oftentimes, sexually charged and agressive.

“A woman’s place has always been in the home, in the kitchen, taking care of children, doing laundry, waiting for her man to come home,” said an anonymous source inside the Netflix production team. “Women in jail? Ugh. It’s like we took everything great about OZ, threw that out the window completely, and make this show with the crappy leftovers. There’s only guy one the show, and that is Jason Biggs. Jason Biggs. The guy who screwed a pie in one half-assed comedy 15 years ago. My God, he’s just horrible. How does anyone even watch this show in the first place?”

“There are just way too many damn stereotypes on this show, anyway,” said former writer for the show Jarissa Myers. “They forced us to write sassy Latinas, angry Russians, and bossy blonde bitches on a daily basis. How many times can we really see Taylor Schilling’s character Piper fall in and out of love with someone that is just abysmal for her? The show is just getting bad. It was time to pull the plug anyway.”

According to entertainment lawyer and Empire News correspondent Jeremy Downard, there is no chance for OITNB to take the show to a television network or another streaming service such as Hulu or Amazon Prime, due to the type of contract originally agreed upon between Kerman and Netflix.

Did Josh Duggar Have A Sexual Relationship With A Male Porn Star?

Posted on August 28, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Over the last several months, 19 Kids and Counting star Josh Duggar has become something of a household name, after it was revealed that when he was a teenager, he molested several girls, including his own sisters, causing TLC to completely cancel their show. Just recently it was also discovered that Duggar had been reportedly having affairs for years, holding not one but two separate accounts on the cheating website AshleyMadison, which had its servers hacked and customer base released to the internet some weeks ago.

Last week, a female porn star named Danica Dillon came forward, claiming that Duggar and she had had sex several times, and that Duggar was a violent sexual partner, “tossing her around like a ragdoll.” The internet star said that she hoped her coming forward would bring other people forward who were also having sex with Duggar, and it appears that the truth may be spilling out.

This morning, a male porn star, John Holmes, 38, came forward, claiming that he and Duggar had sex on multiple occasions, and that Duggar “enjoyed it immensely.”

“Seriously, the guy can’t get enough of me. We hooked up probably 3 or 4 times a week when I was shooting my movies in D.C.,” said Holmes. “To be honest, I don’t care that he was molesting his siblings or screwing every woman on the web. Whatever, that’s what I expect from someone born and raised in Arkansas, anyway. But I just can’t sit back and ignore the fact that he hasn’t called me in months, and that’s why I’m coming forward now.”

Duggar has already confessed that he suffers from a massive internet porn addiction, and has supposedly sought treatment for his sexual needs, referring to himself as a “hypocrite.”

“Of course he’s a hypocrite – he’s religious nut. If you’re that religious, you have to be a little bit off your rocker. Just works out that his rocker is screwing around on his wife,” said Holmes. “But seriously, the whole Duggar family is a little off. I mean, hello – condoms anyone? 19 kids? Get the fudge outta here with that shit. Seriously though, Josh, if you’re reading this…call me, baby! I miss that ass!”

Outed Millionaire Cheater Puts $5 Million Bounty On Ashley Madison Hacker

Posted on August 28, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

ONTARIO, Canada –

An anonymous millionaire in Ontario, Canada has posted a $5 million dollar bounty on the hackers who leaked sensitive information from the website AshleyMadison.com, a website dedicated to helping married men and women have discreet hook-ups and affairs.

The millionaire, who took out full page ads in the Ontario Free Press, The New York News, and the LA Gazette, said that he was an active member of the website and, although many people are currently suing the AshleyMadison website, he felt that there was a better way of “getting justice.”

“Just because I can’t keep it in my pants, doesn’t mean that I want the world to know about it,” read the full-spread ad, included in Friday’s edition. “My name is one of over 35 million active users, and I paid for a service that was supposed to keep my name OUT of the spotlight. I’ve made enough money in my life that I can and will cum anywhere I want, whenever I want, on whoever I want, and I will do it discreetly so that my wife doesn’t take half my money in the divorce. This leak of private information is a disgrace and an outrage.”

The ad went on to say that there was a $5 million dollar ‘bounty’ to the first person who could find the hackers, and release their names publicly.

“If they’re going to go ahead and release my name, and everyone’s name, then they should be known. Anonymous is bullshit! Unless, of course, you’re trying to get your rocks off without your wife knowing. Then anonymity is everything.”

So far, all 3 major newspapers have been inundated with calls and emails asking about the purchaser of the ad, but so far, they’ve actually been able to keep all information private.

Red Lights And Stop Signs To Be Removed From United States Roadways

Posted on August 26, 2015 by JP

WASHINTGON, D.C. –

The fear of running a red light or passing through a stop sign will be shortly become something of the past. All stop signs and red lights will be removed from the United States, replaced with yield signs and yellow lights. Congress has issued a mandatory removal of any stop sign or red light to be done no later than September 30th.

“Congress feels that our American drivers should have enough confidence behind the wheel to know when to stop their vehicle,” said lawmaker Joey Goldsmith. “At this point they are calling it ‘drivers instinct’ and believe that they can save a large chunk of tax payers money by not having to continue to put up stop signals, replace missing or damaged signs, etcetera.”

It is unclear if insurance rates will go up, but it is being enforced that drivers pay closer attention to the road than before, and recommend that people spend less time texting, eating, talking, and singing along to bad pop songs, and spend more time focusing on their driving habits.

“I’m so glad that I won’t have to stop so much anymore,” said driver Billy Carson, 30. “Every day on my way home from work, I get stuck at probably 4 or 5 different red lights – and I’m only a mile from work! It’s insane. Now I’ll be able to zip on through. Look out, everyone else! I’m not stopping ever again!”

New Disgusting Secrets Emerge from Jared Fogle’s Basement

Posted on August 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana –

The ongoing investigation of former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle continues to dredge up shocking new evidence, which promises to bring even more legal trouble for the extremely disgraced pitchman.

According to recently released FBI documents, police investigators found a false wall hidden in Fogle’s basement. Inside the secret room were hundreds of bags of Quizno’s sandwich wrappers. Most disturbingly, many of the wrappers were from Quizno’s kid’s meals.

While Subway did not have the foresight to include a clause in Fogle’s contract regarding statutory rape, they did have a clause that dictated Fogle’s eating habits, including that Subway be the only sandwich chain he was allowed to frequent. Lawyers for the sandwich giant will have cause of action for a lawsuit if they can prove Fogle was the one to buy the Quiznos sandwiches.

Attorney Abraham Bergen says after the settlements are granted to the underage victoms, Subway will likely seize any assets Fogle has left. “You could say Subway is the real victim in all of this,” said Bergen. “They spent years promoting their sandwiches with Fogle as the face of the company. No doubt they’ll be there to pick the bones and take whatever’s left. I’d advise them to move fast so there is something to take, but it’s a sensitive situation.”