MLB Commissioner Bud Selig: ’We Will No Longer Test For Performance Enhancing Drugs’

Posted on January 19, 2015 by Abe Abrams

NEW YORK, New York –

According to Commissioner Bud Selig, Major League Baseball will no longer be testing for steroids and other performance enhancing drugs. Steroids, Human Growth Hormones (HGH), and other performance boosters will technically remain on the books as being against the rules, but Seilg says the league will move more towards what he calls an “honor system.”

“It’s a losing fight, really. Truth is, over 75% of players were testing positive each year,” stated Selig.”These drugs cause a wide range of health issues and shorten life spans. If athletes want to ruin their bodies for our entertainment, I say why not – God knows we’re paying them enough, they should put their bodies on the line for the sport.”

“Baseball needs all the help it can get,” said Boston Red Sox fan Joe Ruth. “People want to see home runs not line drives. It’s not enough to be good anymore, athletes need an edge. The players putting their lives at the most risk deserve the biggest paychecks. Putting an end to testing will put an end to players lying about it, too, so I definitely feel this is the right move.”

“I never used steroids, so I don’t think this is fair,” says former player Barry Bonds. “Players need to play and bleed and break records based on their God-given talent, like I did. If you give it time, the magic will happen, just like it did for me. I started bulking up, my hat size grew, I swear it was all natural. If it happened to me, it can happen for anyone.”

“Bonds is an idiot. If players want to kill themselves for my enjoyment, I’m all for it,” said Yankees fan Carmine Classi. ”If I gotta take drugs to be able to watch a game of baseball, they should have to take drugs to play it.”

Former Vice President Al Gore Arrested For Indecent Exposure

Posted on January 17, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

MIAMI, Florida –

Al Gore, the 66-year-old former Vice President of the United States, who served during the Clinton administration from 1993-2001, was arrested last night outside an upscale Miami, Florida nightclub for indecent exposure according to Miami-Dade Police Department spokesperson Eduardo Cruz.

In the statement released this morning by Cruz, he stated that Gore had been dancing inside the nightclub, and reportedly began taking off all of his clothes when the Will Smith song ‘Gettin Jiggy With It’ came on.

“Witnesses said that when the song came on, Mr. Gore just went wild and kept yelling, ‘I’m so hot! I’m on fire!’, at which point security guards at the popular downtown nightclub, called Heat Wave, escorted Mr. Gore to the parking lot, and made him put his pants back on.” Cruz said.

According to Rico Valazquez, a cab driver who was parked outside the club, Mr. Gore was apparently not ready to go home. “He took his pants back off, and threw them at my windshield. He was saying crazy stuff like ‘I told ya’ll, I told ya it was gonna get hot! hot! hot! up in here! AG is in the house, bringin’ the heat wave, ya heard me?’ Next thing I knew, he was completely naked. It was just crazy,” Valazquez said. “Needless to say, I was laughing my ass off.”

Miami-Dade police showed up on the scene and arrested Gore within minutes. “While they were putting him in the back of the police car, he kept yelling, ‘I’m so hot, the heat is killin me! I’m, so hot, I’m on fiya’ just like that!’ I thought it was pretty hilarious to see somebody like that having such a good time,” Valazquez said with a chuckle. “Guess he was right about the global warming after all. It was certainly keeping him heated up.”

It’s Official: New York Jets Moving To Los Angeles, Construction Of Los Angeles Stadium Begins

Posted on January 17, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

FLORHAM PARK, New Jersey –

It’s official. Owner, CEO, and Chairman of the New York Jets, Woody Johnson, announced that the franchise will be moving to Los Angeles, California after feuding began between the Jets and the New York Giants regarding the two NFL teams sharing Met Life Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey.

“Ever since this franchise was founded fifty-five years ago, we have never had a home of our own. First we had to share with the Mets, and then the New York Giants. As I stand before you today, it is with great excitement that I make the announcement that beginning next season, the New York Jets will become known as the Los Angeles Jets,” Johnson announced to the crowded room of journalists.

Johnson went on to explain both the conflicts with the Giants, and the state of New York’s politicians refusal to assist the franchise in securing a stadium of their own in New York City.

“As some of you know, there have been many scheduling conflicts between the Giants and our great franchise for years and years,” Johnson said. “As we are known as the New York Jets, we take pride in representing New York, but we could never secure the appropriate funding nor cooperation from the state of New York, to actually have our own stadium built within the state’s borders. We are the New York Jets, not the New Jersey Jets. Quite simply put, we are tired of playing in a stadium, in New Jersey, that we share with another NFL team. It just doesn’t make sense.”

Johnson revealed detailed building plans for the construction of Los Angeles Stadium, and he says the LA planning board is excited to work with the team in order to bring a National Football League franchise to their city.

“Construction on the 82,000 seat Los Angeles Stadium will begin immediately. It is with great honor that we join forces with the great people of Los Angeles, California. It will take about a year for the stadium to be completed, and we have hopes of beginning a new era there in 2016,” said Johnson. “Until then we have been invited by the University of Southern California to play our home games at their historic Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum. I’m just glad we don’t have to share a football stadium with those bums in Jersey anymore.”

Scientist Says Hawaii Has Moved Closer To Continental US; Expects State To Hit Within 30 Years

Posted on January 17, 2015 by JP

HONOLULU, Hawaii –

Have you ever wanted to take a trip to Hawaii but hate flying? Well, in about 30 years, you’ll be able to easily drive there, according to geographical research scientist Matt Gantt. In a study that Gantt has been leading for the last 10 years, the geological scientist says that they have found that the entire main island of Hawaii has slowly, but surely, moved closer to the coast of California.

The study began after geologists set to work mapping out the islands, and while doing so, noticed that the numbers didn’t add up to an older map, and that the main section of Hawaii had seemingly moved closer to the mainland continental United States. 5 years later, they checked again, and again the found the islands to have drifted closer. In 2015, the study indicated a total movement of nearly 100 miles.

“At the rate it is going, it looks as though Hawaii will become part of the continental states within the next 30 years,” said Gantt. “We are currently researching ways to stop this, but so far my team and I coming up empty. Our main hope is to find a way to do so before it hits the coast, which could potentially cause major disasters and coastal flooding.”

Gantt says that if they are unable to stop Hawaii from drifting, it could also cause a huge climate change for not only the islands, but also for anyone on the west coast. Fear of wild life extinction and severe weather, among other things, is a top priority for Gantt and his team as they work to change what they say is, at this point, an inevitability.

“We have considered many options, but so far nothing has worked on paper, and with movement on such a massive scale, we need to plan thoroughly before acting. At this point, it would seem our best option may be to just get giant anchors and hang them off the edges of the islands. It might be our only way to stop, or slow, the movement.”

Former ‘Legends Of The Hidden Temple’ Contestants Come Forward, Allege They Were Molested By Host

Posted on January 16, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ORLANDO, Florida –

Several former participants on the 90s Nickelodeon TV show Legends of the Hidden Temple have come forward this week, alleging that while they were contestants, they were molested by the show’s host.

The former contestants, who are being identified by only by their first names, John, Marc, and Ray, were all 11 and 12 years old when they competed on the show in the early 90s. The series, which ran from 1993 to 1995, was a staple for kids from that era, pitting teams such as the Silver Snakes against the Purple Parrots in history and mythology-related quizzes and activities.

All three of the victims, now in their early 30s, say they were molested while they were contestants on the show’s second season.

“Nickelodeon knew it was going on, but they did nothing,” said John. “I’m sure there were others. We all were on different episodes, and none of us believe it was limited to just our experiences.”

“We tried reaching out to executives at Viacom, the parent company of Nickelodeon, but they shrugged us off,” said Marc. “They definitely don’t want the controversy. Well to hell with that. I’ve stayed quiet long enough. We all have, and we’re hoping that coming forward now, we can get the real truth out.”

“It’s all true,” said Ray. “I was on the Silver Monkeys, and we won the game, but I lost when I was running through the temple. After the show, when everyone had cleared out, Olmec called me over to him. He’s a giant talking stone head, you know? He had this massive mouth, and he was telling me ‘It’s okay, it’s okay. Not everyone wins.’ Then he told me to take off my shirt so he could ‘look at me.’ I didn’t know what else to do.”

“A similar thing happened to me,” said Marc. “Olmec…he was really persuasive. He told me to just take my penis out, and rest it on his big stone lips. There was no one around, and he frightened me. I did it, but I didn’t like it.”

The three men say they are filing suit against Nickelodeon for allowing them to be abused while ‘under the care’ of the program. Representatives for Nickelodeon say that Olmec was ‘long ago destroyed’ when Nickelodeon Studios was torn down, and the company should ‘no longer be held responsible’ for the sexual perversions of their show’s prop.

Insane Clown Posse Member ‘Violent J’ Hospitalized, Reportedly In Coma

Posted on January 16, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DETROIT, Michigan –

According to reports, rapper and actor Joseph Bruce, better known by his stage name Violent J, 42, was rushed to a Detroit-area hospital Friday morning after falling into a coma.

The musician, who is one half of the Juggalo-duo Insane Clown Posse, was apparently enjoying a quiet breakfast at home with his wife, when he fell from his chair and collapsed to the floor.

“It was horrible, I screamed and practically knocked the table over trying to get to him,” said J’s wife, Michelle “Sugar Slam” Rapp. “He went down like 34 or 35 tons of bricks. He smeared grease paint all over the floor when he went down, and spilled his Faygo all over the place. Thank God the kids weren’t around to see it. What a mess.”

Doctors say the rapper, who is morbidly obese, is in a diabetic coma, and they are monitoring him after injecting the rapper with several doses of insulin.

“Mr. Violent J is a hefty fellow, for sure,” said Dr. George Hatchetman. “His diet, which his wife says mostly consists of donuts, bagels, and Faygo Root Beer floats, is not in any way healthy for a man of his size, with his health problems. It’s a wonder that Mr. J hasn’t had issues before, especially during his wrestling career. It’s amazing he hadn’t suffered a heart attack.”

“Man, that motherfucker could get stabbed in the balls, ass, and face, and still come out on top,” said co-founder and other half of the Insane Clown Posse, Shaggy 2 Dope. “That dude, he’s my Big Baby Sweets. He’s my Goddamn homie, and I know God’s looking out for us from that big motherfucking penthouse in the sky. J is gonna be okay. I’d bet my best neden on that shit.”

Detroit Hospital doctors say that they are currently listing J’s condition as critical, but do not believe that his condition is life threatening. Juggalos from across the country have been gathering outside of the hospital, singing ICP songs, drinking Faygo RedPop, and smoking copious amounts of weed. The police, as well as local FBI agents, say they are keeping a close watch on the growing group, in preparation of any gang-like activities.

Rhode Island State Legislature To Reinstate Death Penalty, Will Allow For Drug Crimes

Posted on January 16, 2015 by DesireeAmber

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Tuesday, President Barack Obama signed off on a new piece of Rhode Island legislation that would revive the state’s death penalty, allowing lethal injection not only for malicious physical crimes, but also for drug-related crimes.

After decades of not having a death penalty option in the state of Rhode Island after it’s abolishment in 1984, the option will once again be given to judge and juries throughout the state on high-level crimes.

According to lawmakers, it was the people of Providence, Rhode Island who started the petition to bring back the death penalty throughout the state.

“With the crime rate as it stands in Providence, people want to make the streets safer, and that’s what we’re trying to accomplish,” said Jorge Elorza, Providence’s Mayor, during a press conference. “At one point, Rhode Island was a small state, with maybe one execution every few years, based on violent crimes like rape and murder. Now, with this new legislation, those crimes can also be expanded to include the dealing or use of marijuana, driving under the influence, and higher levels of assault charges. We want to keep Rhode Island safe, for all people and future generations.”

“By approving this option for the State of Rhode Island, I am not endorsing the death penalty,” said President Obama. “Please understand, it is the voters choice, and I am only the last line on a very long process of paperwork. The state and cities have spoken, and I am proud to be able to give them the ability to make themselves feel safer.”

Rhode Island lawmakers say that the process to have any changes made to current punishments is a slow-moving one, but that they anticipate the death penalty to be on the table for several crimes by the end of the year.

Congress Looks To Pass Legislation Allowing One Day Per Year That Immigrants Can Legally Cross Border Into US

Posted on January 16, 2015 by JP

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Illegal immigration has been a problem to the United States for several decades. As a nation founded my immigrants, we once welcomed people from all over the world to proudly call America their home. Now, with so many illegal immigrants sneaking into the United States, it has become more of a hot button issue than ever, further dividing the political parties.

Safeguards have been put into place to stop the rapid flow of illegal immigrants coming into America, but with all the manpower, programs, and arrests, congress says that the economy is suffering either way; If an immigrant finds their way in and maintains a job, a legal citizen is losing money. If they get caught, it takes hours of time and thousands of taxpayer dollars to make sure they are deported. A vicious circle that appeared would never end, may be meeting its fate this upcoming year.

Congress has reportedly begun work on new legislation, under which immigrants would be allowed to come to the United States without facing jail time or being deported, the caveat being that it would only be on one specific day each year, with the remainder of the year following the standard deportation laws.

Lawmakers say that their theory behind the change is that the strong workforce of immigrants that will make it across the border one day per year can and will contribute greatly to our society. The legislation would rule that once in the United States, the aliens would register with their existing country’s identification, and be given a temporary green card, with the expectation they are able to find work, and maintain a job for at least 6 months. At the end of the 6 months, a specific form would need to be filled out by the immigrant’s employer, with information about whether or not they are considered a “vital employee.”

Lawmakers say that once the forms are filled out and checked by the state and federal governments, immigrants would be granted full citizenship. The whole process takes approximately 9 months. Immigrants who are not deemed to be of sufficient use to their employers would be deported.

Conan O’Brien Fired By TBS After Reportedly Tweeting Joke About Muhammad

Posted on January 16, 2015 by Abe Abrams

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Late night talk show host Conan O’Brien has reportedly been released from his show, Conan, by TBS executives for tweeting a joke about the prophet Muhammad. The tweet was only posted for a matter of minutes, before a slew of complaints forced Twitter to remove the offending joke.

”I would like to personally apologize to the Muslim people for whatever Conan has said,” said TBS executive Bart Brennan. “I did not personally see the joke, but I want to make it clear TBS had nothing to do with it. I hope our swift firing of Conan, even before knowing any facts, proves that TBS cares about minorities and religious dogma. In closing, we at TBS are really, really sorry. As I said, we never even saw the joke, but I want to make it clear that we never really liked him anyway.”

Several famous friends of Conan’s were reached out to for their thoughts on his firing, but most celebrities reached by Empire News said that they were either ‘too busy’ to comment, or that they ‘didn’t care enough to have an opinion.’

“I want to let the Muslim people know that Conan O’Brien is no longer my client, and that we parted ways the minute I heard about the tweet,” said Sol Simmons, Conan’s former agent. “I want to apologize to the Muslim people, and I want to stress, I never saw the joke. The truth is, my partners and I never liked him anyway.”

Most late night television viewers say that won’t miss Conan’s show, as there were too many others to choose from as it was, with most people preferring Fallon, anyway.

“He has always been a disappointment,” said Conan’s mother Mary. “He was always a little pain, and I told him, ‘Conan, comedy is definitely not for you.’ I just want to apologize to the Muslim people and I want to make it clear that I have severed all ties with my son. I never saw the joke myself; I don’t even know what Tweeter is. Truth is, though, we never liked him anyway.”

O’Brien says that he’s not really too worried about finding more work.

“Someone out there probably likes me,” said the comedian. “As it is, I really don’t see the big deal. I wrote the joke myself, so it obviously wasn’t even funny.”

TBS has stated that they are considering replacing O’Brien with Arnold Schwarzenegger, and re-working the name to Late Night With Conan The Barbarian.

Retired Secret Service Agent Says Child Prevented 2010 Assasination Attempt On President

Posted on January 15, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

ALEXANDRIA, Virginia –

Retired Secret Service agent Leonard Parker, 52, said in an interview with The Virginia Tribune that in 2010 a ten-year-old boy prevented an assassination attempt on President Barack Obama.

“It is one of those things, you just had to be there to believe it, I can’t give you his name but he was nicknamed ‘The Nutcracker‘ by the President,” Parker told veteran political journalist Clyde Ransdell. “The President was playing basketball with players of the Duke University basketball team at a public park in Durham, North Carolina during the summer of 2010. I remember everything about that day very vividly.”

Parker, who was a Secret Service agent in charge of presidential protection detail for over 20 years, says that day was the one that stuck with him the most throughout his entire career.

“It was a gorgeous June afternoon and there were hundreds of people watching the pickup basketball game. I spotted a man acting suspiciously, about fifty yards away. As I casually began to walk toward him, it happened. He reached for a pistol tucked in his waist band, but he was surrounded by children so it was too risky to attempt to take him out. When the child directly in front of him noticed the man had pulled a gun, he reeled back and kicked him square in the balls. The man then doubled over and dropped his weapon, and we were able to subdue the assailant,” Parker described in detail. “To be honest, even though my heart was racing, it was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.”

Parker went on to say that the identity of the heroic boy and his father will likely never be disclosed per their request, but said that they remain close friends with President Obama to this day. “Once a year, the family is invited to the White House for a week to spend time with the Obamas. The boy, now fourteen years old, has become a very good friends with Malia Obama, and I hear they spend a lot of time together,” Parker stated.

According to Parker, due to national security reasons, the name of the assailant has never been released. The man remains incarcerated at an unknown location.