Lay’s Potato Chips To Introduce New ‘Kim & Kanye’ Flavor

Posted on September 2, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Chairman and CEO of PepsiCo, Indra Nooyi, announced yesterday that a new flavor of potato chip would hit the shelves in time for the holidays. The new flavor, ‘Kim & Kanye’, is the first flavor of Lay’s potato chips to be named after actual people. Nooyi says it was important for the company to stay in touch with modern-day culture.

“It was something we wanted to touch on, we knew we wanted to begin naming flavors after celebrities, but didn’t know which ones. We decided on Kim & Kanye, obviously referring to Kim Kardashian-West and Kanye West, because they are celebrities that all Americans love, and together they have a very unique flavor,” said Nooyi.

Lay’s set the standard for being the first potato chip company to introduce a flavor other than the traditional salted, original flavor, in 1958 when they introduced barbecue flavored potato chips. The company has since led the way in offering more and more variety of flavors in recent years with a campaign called “Do Us A Flavor,” in which contestants invent a flavor themselves. The 2012-2013 contest consisted of sriracha, chicken and waffles, and cheesy garlic bread flavors, with cheesy and garlic bread earning its way into the permenant line up according to sales.

The ‘Kim & Kanye’ flavor is a finalist from the 2014-2015 contest developed by self-proclaimed chef Tanya Brown. When asked what her key ingredients were to this bizarre name of chip, she simply said, “A little bit of this, a little bit of that. A lot like what you could imagine Kim and Kanye tasting like if they were a potato chip.”

Other flavors in the finals, which are currently available for purchase, include bacon mac and cheese, cappuccino, wavy mango salsa, and kettle cooked wasabi ginger. Although the Kim and Kanye chip was submitted during the contest, Lay’s representatives decided that it would be a stand-alone flavor, and they would use it outside of the normal contest regulations.

“They told me the idea of the actual flavor being a bit of a mystery was intriguing to them,” said Brown. “I could not believe they agreed to stick with the name, and they actually told me it was something they had considered doing for quite some time. So they kind of pulled the idea away from the contest. Sad I can’t win, but the chips are still going to market, and that’s awesome.”

Some of those who have had samples of the new flavor say the chips have a unique taste. “It tastes to me like a combination of chocolate and butter pecan ice cream, and is strangely very good!” said John Osbourne of Brooklyn, New York. Others say that the chip is horrendous, and they can’t believe it’s even going to market.

“It tastes like straight up body sweat and lard, with a hint of tangy mint and…I’m not sure. Walnuts, maybe?” said Robin Waverly of Los Angeles. “It’s really hard to pin down. Whatever it’s supposed to be, they were really pretentious tasting, which I suppose what I’d expect Kim or Kanye to taste like. Then again, I rarely think that these contest chips taste like what they’re supposed to. So maybe it’s just me.”

The Kim & Kanye flavored Lay’s potato chips will be available at grocery stores one week before the Thanksgiving holiday says Nooyi.

Transgender Teacher Sues School Board; Wants To Share Bathroom With Children

Posted on September 2, 2014 by mike the inkman

MONTPELIER, Vermont –

A male-to-female transgender elementary school teacher is suing her school district after being denied access to the female bathroom facilities. Ronda McCracken, born Robert McCracken, a post-op third grade teacher for Montpelier Public Schools, has filed a civil suit claiming discrimination and emotional damages. Named in the suit are Montpelier Public Schools and Superintendent of Education Marshall Peterson.

“Until this year, Ronda McCracken was employed by Montpelier Public Schools under the name ‘Robert McCracken.’ Over the break, Mr. McCracken underwent gender reassignment surgery and reported in to last weeks Board of Education meeting as a female,” said Principal Richard Belding. “Being an equal opportunity employer, and in appreciation of McCracken’s years of service to the school system, Superintendent Peterson informed Ms. McCracken that Montpelier Schools would be glad to allow her to retain the position that she had previously held as a man. The one condition was that Ms. McCracken would refrain from using the women’s restrooms on school grounds. The Board felt that it would be more appropriate for Ms. McCracken to use the unisex restroom located in the teacher’s lounge. Ms. McCracken seemed to be fine with the decision initially, but later placed a call to the Superintendent stating that she felt she was being discriminated against. She was informed that, unfortunately, the Board could not see fit to reverse the decision for fear of public backlash. Ms. McCracken then filed suit against the Board.”

According to the Associated Press, when asked about the suit, Ms. McCracken had no problem sharing her opinion.

“I just felt like they [Montpelier Public Schools] were discriminating against me for something that was beyond my control. I was born a woman, I just had the wrong equipment. There is a long history of discrimination in this country, and I feel these people need to be held accountable for their bigoted actions. There is no reason, besides unwarranted prejudice, that a woman should not be allowed to use the restroom with other females.”

Some of the Montpelier parents had a different point of view. Carl Mitchum, father of two elementary age students in Montpelier Schools, shared his opinion with Empire News.

“Robert McCracken was born a man. All this gay and lesbian equal rights talk is fine by me, but at the same time, I don’t want a grown man winding up in a bathroom with my eight year old daughter. It’s not safe, and it is a precedent that we can not allow to be set.”

Other parents of children at the school were not nearly as kind in their opinions.

“I don’t want that freak in the bathroom with those poor girls. There is too much risk. If God had wanted a Ronda McCracken, then Ronda McCracken would have been born, not made by soulless doctors. She should have her teaching license pulled,” Said Michael Baxter, a local Baptist minister. “The Lord will not abide this type of sin.”

The suit is set to be heard before Circuit Judge Jasper Billings on the first of next month.

“I just hope this can all be resolved,” Ms. McCracken said. “Sure, I had a penis, and sure I’ve had sex with women, but that is no reason to keep me from being in the same bathroom as little girls. Maybe people don’t understand my lifestyle, but they don’t have to me so mean. The idea that we should tell our children what gender they are is outdated. These people are ignorant bigots. Maybe my vagina is man-made, and maybe I have different ideas about what turns me on, but maybe your daughters do, too. Maybe I can talk to them about it in the bathroom.”

University of Kentucky Suspends Women’s Sports, Football Program Starting 2015

Posted on September 2, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LEXINGTON, Kentucky –

University of Kentucky Athletic Director Mitch Barnhart announced in a press conference just hours ago that the University will suspend funding for its football program and all women’s sports for the 2015-2016 season.

The struggling football program has not won an SEC conference championship since 1976, and even then they tied with Georgia making them c0-champions. “We are just not relevant in football in the SEC, moving to a different conference is out of the question. This is basketball country, and for that, we need all the money we can get our hands on,” Barnhart said earlier today. “Operating these sports, paying for the scholarships, feeding the student athletes, making travel arrangements – it all costs us more money than we bring in. This is not a decision we have made lightly, but it has been decided the money, time, and effort would be more suitably spent funding men’s basketball and building a new basketball arena.”

U of K officials had become infuriated with the state’s lack of help in funding development for a new basketball arena. After the state chipped in and helped their long time rival, the University of Louisville, build one of the countries most up-to-date, state of the art basketball arenas, The KFC YUM! Center in downtown Louisville, they figured it was their time. They waited and waited, but the help never came.

“This is a basketball state, and the University of Kentucky is the premier basketball program in all of basketball, yet the state helps our in-state rival instead of us… it’s like a punch in the face. Therefore we have been forced to discontinue nearly all other sport programs,” Barnhart said.

When asked how long the suspension of the programs will go on, Barnhart said that they intend to re-instate some of the programs for the 2016-2017 seasons but definitely no earlier than that. “If everything goes as planned, we will gather all the resources we need to fund a new arena and take care of our men’s basketball team and their families during that year. And then hopefully we can start bringing the suspended programs back into business.”

Kentucky fans do not seem too distraught by the shocking decision. Edgar Williams of Shepherdsville, Kentucky, who refers to himself as a ‘lifelong U of K fan’ said he was glad they were ditching the girls.

“Hell I don’t give a damn about those other sports anyways. We can’t play football to save our damn lives, and nobody gives a damn about girls sports, I mean who goes to watch a bunch of girls play games? Perverts that’s who. Fine by me. This is basketball country,” Williams said.

The University of Kentucky is well-known for its colorful, wild, and wacky basketball fans. In a recent survey taken by a national media outlet, they were ranked the 2nd most obnoxious fans in the country.

Basketball coach John Calipari was asked about the decision to suspend funding for other sports, and he said he didn’t like it but his team needs to be taken care of. “It’s a cruel world, my kids play their hearts out, they deserve to play in a state of the art arena like the one in Louisville. We are tired of being looked at as the inferior program in the state while we are actually the best basketball program in history. So what, that other Kentucky school is good in all sports. This is a basketball state, don’t they know that?” Calipari said with a quirky smile.

County Fair Sheep Tests Positive For Anthrax

Posted on September 1, 2014 by DvanL

KANKAKEE, Illinois –

Below the soft, puffy, huggable exterior of Wooly Bully, the prize winning sheep at this year’s Kankakee, Illinois county fair, lurked a dangerous and life threatening agent of death.

Raised by Ricky Henderson as a 4-H project, the former lamb was a kind and gentle playmate, not only for 11-year-old Ricky, but also for his younger brother, 8-year-old Todd. If they survive, it is the hospital staff’s sad duty to inform them that they are now orphans. The youngster’s parents succumbed to the deadly anthrax bacterium days ago.

Both boys now cling to life, placed in a medically induced coma and isolated far away in the Acute Care and Infectious Disease Wing of Riverside Medical Group, located not far from the gently flowing Kankanee River.

“Oh, it’s definitely anthrax poisoning,” said Dr. Harriet Durville, infectious disease specialist. “Let’s not forget this is essentially a bacterial disease transmitted by animals. Filthy, disgusting, smelly animals that humans choose to come into contact with. ‘Dogs are pets, not sheep,’ I tell all my patients.”

Word travels quickly in this closely-knit, northern Illinois city of roughly 27,000. “It’s just so sad,” said Milly Jacobsen, bank teller. “We all watched Ricky raise that sheep from when it was born, and now, … if I had only known, I would have slit its throat during the night a long time ago and no one would have been the wiser! Such a shame,” she added.

Hundred of fairgoers have streamed into nearby clinics, complaining of symptoms of anthrax infection: fever, chills, blisters, nausea and vomiting, head and body aches being the most common ailments. “Most of the cases are just psychosomatic,” said Dr. Durville. “People are just panicked. After they hear that a simple antibiotic shot or 3 days of pills can clear up any complications, they relax about it.”

Naturally occurring animal-to-human anthrax disease rarely infects mass numbers of victims, whereas the deliberate malicious release of the bacterium for terroristic purposes can infect many at one time. “There’s a fear factor involved,” said Durville. “The bio-terrorists have really put a bad name on anthrax,” she added.

“Remember when people were afraid to open their mail? That’s going to start all over again, ‘til the next big scare comes along, probably,” Dr. Durville added.

So far, the spread of the disease seems to be held in check. The National Center For Disease Control has reportedly been notified by the hospital, but doctors were informed that until the number of confirmed cases gets above 100, the CDC will not step in.

“When we take those boys out of the medically induced coma we put them in and if they make it through, it’s going to be a sad day around here. I may just take that day off,” said Durville.

Death Row Inmate’s Request Granted For ‘Progressive Dinner’ Last Meal

Posted on September 1, 2014 by DvanL

PUTNAM COUNTY, Florida –

Florida Governor Rick Scott quietly approved death row inmate Del Berkley’s wish to attend a progressive dinner as per his last meal request.

Berkley, convicted of homicide and armed robbery in 2008, made the request earlier this month to reportedly “spice things up” from his usual drab prison meal routine before his scheduled execution.

The progressive dinner was held last week in a neighborhood not far from the Putnam County Sheriff’s Office House of Corrections. A review of the meal, written by Berkley, was published in the prison’s newsletter under the column “Bars and Spoons.”

“Overall it was good,” wrote Berkley. We started with a light course of appetizers at the “X” family’s neat suburban home. Nice big windows. Easy access. No guard dog.”

To be honest,” Berkley wrote, “this first course of mini entrées kind of suffered — I couldn’t choke down that tiny puffed tuna casserole. ‘And you thought my stare was cold and icy!’ I said to the hostess. ‘I’m never coming back here again!’ On the upside, I was allowed a glass of wine, which sure beats the crap out of the stuff I usually make in my toilet, that’s for damn sure! I really appreciated that.”

After a head count, the meal progressed to destination number two.

The “Y” family decided to make me feel ‘at home,’ so they went with a prison-themed dinner for the main course,” wrote Berkley. “They wore striped shirts and had these little plastic chains around their ankles which ticked me off a little at first, but I took it all in stride. After all, I didn’t want to come off as some kind of death row ingrate,” he said.

“The tin cups were funny and I gotta admit, the Y’s were very original with the dishes. We started with a towering Big House salad, then we had the Pork Shank Redemption, and to finish me off, I enjoyed a cup of Midnight Espresso. To call this meal a guilty pleasure would only be a half-truth,” he added.

The next part of the meal was the dessert course. “I wondered if I could force it all down after all that food! I was so full, I thought I was gonna die! Talk about ‘dead man walking’ – I practically had to be carried out to the van! After thanking my hosts, I was transported to my final destination.”

Unbelievably, the dessert was ‘Death By Chocolate Cake.’ “It was a complete coincidence,” said Berkley. “Mrs. ‘Z’ told me that she had planned her menu far in advance of my visit to her ADT Alarm protected ranch style home with the sliding glass doors adjacent to the attached garage which leads to the laundry room,” he said.

After the meal, when Berkley was transported back to the correctional facility, more good news awaited him. Due to the national shortage of lethal chemicals used in the humane execution process, his scheduled execution was indefinitely delayed.

“Is this an execution or a hunger strike?” asked Stefanie Fales, heartbroken widow of Martin Fales, Berkley’s homicide victim. “I’m calling my Congressman and the Governor!” she said.

“I can’t believe it,” said Berkley upon hearing the news. “I’m sitting here full as a tick, happy as a clam. True, it’s going to be an awful comedown once that plastic tray comes sliding through that slot tomorrow morning with those powdered eggs, but, … you can’t have everything!”

Record Holder of World’s Largest Penis Wins Three-Legged Race At County Fair

Posted on September 1, 2014 by DvanL

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Jonah Falcon, owner of the largest documented penis in the world, has generated dozens of headlines since the native New Yorker was featured in the 1999 HBO documentary, Private Dicks: Men Exposed.

“The publicity is like a double-edged sword,” said Falcon, speaking from his Brooklyn home. “I try to have as normal a life as possible, but once I decided to expose myself it’s not like I can wave a wand and make it magically go away.”

The latest headline attached to Falcon took place earlier this summer at the Putnam County Fair in Carmel, New York. “I try and go there ever year. I love fairs. All the food – all the events – I’ve been known to overdose on hotdogs, and I’m the first one to put my John Hancock on the sign up sheet for every event I can get my hands on.”

One of those fair events was the “three-legged race.”

The familiar competition involves two people, one leg from each team member tied together, racing to try and be the first to finish.

“Almost every county fair has one out here. Gobs of people signed up. You put a donation in a charity basket, so it’s really very popular and helps out the firemen’s fund. So, all these teams line up and people without a partner start to pair off,” explained Falcon. “I happened to come alone, so I didn’t have a partner.”

With the race about to start, Falcon found himself standing off to the left.

“Maybe some people recognized me, maybe they were a little afraid of having me for partner, I’m not sure. All I do know is, I was left hanging. I could have just forgotten about it, but I decided I wasn’t going to let the ball drop.”

Critics believe that Falcon engineered this story as a cheap grab for publicity, but he disagrees. “That’s a lot of baloney,” Falcon says. “I went up to the master of ceremonies and complained. He said the three-legged race logically has to involve two people, but I thought it was unfair that I couldn’t participate, especially since I had something in the basket. He didn’t want to hold things up, so he said I could run the race solo. We decided to tie both my legs together so I wouldn’t have a leg up on the other participants.”

There were some grumblings from a few contestants. “Yeah, one of the guys who runs a smoothie stand, this bald-headed yogurt slinger kept spouting off with these snide remarks – but I just turned my head the other way and ignored him. I took the ‘I am rubber, you are glue’ attitude and let it slide, like water off a duck’s back.”

As it turned out, Falcon won the race. “Everyone was really good about it and I gave the trophy to the couple who came in behind me. Even the yogurt guy shook my hand. ‘No big thing,’ I told him.”

“All in all, it was a great day,” said Falcon. “That’s the whole point of a fair – to have fun. I could have spent the rest of the day being Mr. Sad Sack about the whole thing, but instead I walked away being Mr. Happy!”

Curious onlookers had to know more, and they asked the obvious question – exactly how big is Falcon, anyway?

“I tend to not talk numbers in public,” Falcon said, with a wink. “But those people my age and older, they remember the adult film star John Holmes. Well, it’s like that. Only bigger.”

Texas A&M Towel Boy Leaves Sidelines To Gain Starting Spot As Quarterback

Posted on August 31, 2014 by JP

COLLEGE STATION, Texas –

A new season of college football is underway and anticipations for this year are high, with new rules and a new playoff bracket system being put into effect this season. One team that will have a lot of eyes on it will be Texas A&M, after all-star quarterback Johnny Manziel has started his NFL career for the Cleveland Browns.

Texas A&M coaches have been hesitant to name a starting QB, but with recent discovery of a ‘hidden talent’ during practice, it appears that they are ready to name the man who take the starting snap for the Aggies this Thursday against the South Carolina Gamecocks. Terrance Brown, a once towel boy for the team, has been picked up and put on the roster as of yesterday, and has been announced to start the first game of the season.

Coaches began to notice the talent behind the towel boy when asked to get a football that went out-of-bounds. Brown, instead of walking the ball over, threw a hail mary spiral right to the head coach.

“It was unbelievable,” said Head Coach Kevin Sumlin. “I thought maybe the kid just had a long ball, but we had some down time and I asked if he would throw to our receivers. He agreed and the kid looked like a natural. I asked if he would do some drills in uniform, and it was like he had been playing football in college for 5 seasons.”

Brown admitted to the coach that he knew the play book pretty well, and had sometimes snuck into team meetings and stood in the back. He had played football in high school, but only up until his junior year after bruising his spine bone. By the time he fully recovered it was too late to get scouted and he had never made the walk-on tryout at A&M because he didn’t know they had been scheduled. He acquired the towel boy spot after begging the school to let him help out the team in any way.

“He’ll start the game, but I’m not going to lie, I’m afraid the game pressure may get to him, so we are prepared to take him out if we have to. That being said, I hope he shows up like he did in the practices. If he can, this will be a story for the ages,” said Sumlin.

Woman Murdered After Sending Repeated FarmVille Invitations Via Facebook

Posted on August 31, 2014 by JP

CRANTSTON, Rhode Island –

Maria Boyland, Age 48, was found dead in her home early this past Monday morning. A local to Cranston, Rhode Island, Boyland lived there her entire life, but neighbors claim she didn’t have many friends.

Boyland was found when a mailman happened to look through the window of her home as he delivered mail, and noticed she was lying on the floor covered with blood. Police arrived on the scene and discovered her body had been stabbed over 18 times, with most of the knife wounds to the stomach and back.

As Boyland was not know to leave her apartment often, and had few contacts outside her family, the trail to find the killer was almost immediately cold, until police were able to get onto Boyland’s Facebook page and review her notifications and messages. As is common with most people her age, police noticed that she mainly had notifications for playing Facebook games, namely Candy Crush, Farmville, and Bejeweled.

When officers reviewed her messages, the case almost began to solve itself. A message was sent to Boyland three days before her murder from a man who lived approximately 14 hours away from in Virginia. The messages were extremely violent and disturbing in nature, including the one that said “Send me one more game invite to FarmVille and I’ll stab you 18 times, b—-!”

Apparently, Boyland didn’t take the warning seriously, and police assume that either Boyland purposely sent, or Farmville automatically sent, the man another game request. His final message simply said “Now you’ve done it.”

After trying to reach the suspect via internet and coming up short, police eventually called a local Sheriff’s Office in his area and had the man arrested. When asked why he drove 14 hours to kill Boyland he responded “I warned her, and having her blow up my Facebook with game invites was annoying.” When told he could have simply blocked the game invites, the anonymous man simply said “Oh. Yeah, I suppose that would have worked, too.”

The arresting officer, patrolman Joe Goldsmith, said that this is the kind of case he never thought he would see in his career.

“I can understand how annoying it is when people send game requests, being a Facebook user myself. But, I urge anyone that gets annoyed by stupid game invites and requests that you simply un-friend the person sending them, because it is a lot easier, faster, and much less illegal than murder.”

Ice Bucket Challenge Sparks Sequel, ‘Flaming Coal Challenge’

Posted on August 31, 2014 by ASwamy

ATLANTA, Georgia –

The unprecedented success and widespread popularity of the social phenomenon known as the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge has spurred several spin-off activities. Most notable is the Human Lycan Syndrome (HLS) Flaming Coal Challenge.

In a typical HLS Flaming Coal Challenge, participants are required to simply obtain a medium to large sized bucket, fill it with conflagrant pieces of coal, and upend the entire container’s contents onto his or her unprotected head. Viewers of videos capturing these episodes are often treated to amused giggles at the participants’ surprise and raucous shrieks of pain. Similar to the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, the HLS Challenge then asks that participants nominate their friends to partake in the fun within 24 hours or else donate $100 to Human Lycan Syndrome. This is, however, provided that the participant is still conscious and/or not engulfed by searing flames at the end of the challenge.

The HLS Flaming Coal Challenge is part of a larger effort to raise awareness and funds for the Human Lycan Syndrome. The Human Lycan Syndrome is a debilitating disease that affects 1 out of every 3,700,425.68 people during each lunar eclipse. A spokesperson for the HLS Association commented on the situation.

“This challenge has done wonders for raising awareness for HLS. Many people may laugh off HLS, but few realize just how traumatic and crippling this disease is for those who suffer from it. But our challenge has but HLS back in the national conscious. Because, when you have fiery rocks scorching your cranium, what else do you do but ponder the complexities and difficulties of having a life-altering medical affliction?”

The Flaming Coal Challenge has seen a marked rise in popularity throughout the internet. Millions of people, from A-list celebrities to everyday citizens, have joined in the fun of dumping several pounds of blazing coals onto their exposed scalps. Even more people, however, have been able to enjoy the sheer pleasure of watching their friends and family sidestep their social responsibility by instead engaging in shameless, repetitive tomfoolery.

The challenge has also helped people avoid the other obvious, but totally lame, alternatives, including donating money, actual thought, and reflection to actually help mobilize funds and awareness for a serious illness in a way that is slightly more constructive than dumping objects onto your skull.

Reba McEntire To Headline ‘I Love Lucy’ Sitcom Reboot

Posted on August 29, 2014 by DvanL

NASHVILLE, Tennessee –

Country music singer, composer, and actress Reba McEntire has begun production on a remake of the landmark television comedy I Love Lucy. McEntire will portray “Lucy McEntire Ricardo,” country singing star and wife of “househusband” Benecio “Benny” Ricardo, played by Benecio Del Toro.

“This time, it’s gonna have a switch-up!” said McEntire. “The wife’s gonna be the star, and the husband’s gonna try and git in on the act!”

The 30-minute comedy, entitled Reba Loves Lucy, is slated for the “Lucy Slot,” named for the original time slot I Love Lucy occupied – Monday nights at 9 on CBS. Co-starring with McEntire and Del Toro will be Benedict Cumberbatch and Susan Sarandon as the couple’s landlords, Fred and Ethel Mertz. Peter Dinklage will portray the McEntire-Ricardo’s son, ‘Little Benny.’

“I just love that ol’ gal Lucy, with her zany git-ups and all them crazy schemes she’d plum wind up in,” said McEntire, from her home in Nashville. “I think it’s about time we re-did it fer today’s country music fans and fer the youngins!”

Industry insiders are baffled as to why a show so closely identified with comedy legend Lucille Ball would be remade, especially since the original sitcom, broadcast from 1951–1957, has never been off the air. Lucy reruns still maintain an American viewership estimated at 40 million.

“I done a Broadway musical, and I done my own show,” said McEntire, “but I wanted to do somethin’ that I’d git a challenge out of. My friends all say I’m a kooky, zany red-headed gal too, just like that ol’ Lucille Ball, so I called up my manager and said ‘Let’s get this buggy on the road, Slim!'”

Slim Williams, McEntire’s manager, held a series of meetings with television executives who green-lit the project. Williams unsuccessfully requested a meeting with Lucie Arnaz and Desi Arnaz, Jr., Lucy and Desi’s children, before production began.

“Well, that didn’t go so good,” said Williams. “Lucie used some language not fit for a lady, and Desi Jr. hired a couple of tough guys to come on down here and put some hurtin’ on us. I was advised to lay low for a spell,” he said, in hushed tones.

It was later revealed that Arnaz, Jr. was sending a team of high-powered lawyers to try and halt production of the proposed series.

Nevertheless, pre-production began last month, and the first two episodes have been completed.

“The hardest part has been gittin’ all them scrinched up faces right, like Lucy did all the time,” admits McEntire. “I been studyin’ the old show, walkin’ ‘round with all these goofy looks on my face, swingin’ my arms to and fro like a circus monkey – folks round here think I’m havin’ a spell or goin’ crazier than a outhouse rat! But I been practicin’ hard! Lucy never did cut no corners, and dad-gummit, I won’t neither!”

Sean Carey, president of the International I Love Lucy Fan Club had this to say via Facebook:

This is a disgrace. I’m sure that Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz are turning over in their graves, and if I were dead I would be doing the same thing, because honestly I wanted to be dead when I heard about this. I urge everyone to sign a petition I have started called ‘Rebuff The Reba Reboot’ before it’s too late.

I have smashed all my Reba McEntire CDs, which is hard to do since they are made of an advanced plastic material, but I was so mad I smashed them anyway with my bear (sic) hands.

McEntire is aware of the severe backlash the show has created.

“Yeah, I heard tell ‘bout some folks grumblin’ and getting’ their blood all angried up, but I say, give it a chance! Lucy always took a chance, like that one time she set her nose afire, so I’m gonna take a risk too, dagnabbit! And I get to sing!”

“I want to cancel this thing before it even starts,” said fan club president Carey, “so I’m calling the Neilsen ratings people to see if they can help me.”

Carey’s Rebuff The Reba Reboot boycott has gathered nearly 2 million online signatures.

Currently, there are no plans to halt production of Reba Loves Lucy.