Warner Bros. Interactive To Release Mortal Kombat Vs. MLB Video Game

Posted on September 25, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BURBANK, California –

The action fighting series Mortal Kombat has grown to become one of the biggest video game series ever since it was released to arcades for the first time 22 years ago, but the newest installment in the series, which was announced last week, is probably the craziest idea yet – Mortal Kombat Vs. The Major League is set to debut at the beginning of next year.

The official word came from the headquarters of Warner Bros. Interactive, the publishing company that took over for Midway Games in the production of the Mortal Kombat series back in 2009. In an email sent to video game magazines and online publications, Ed Boon, original co-creator of the Mortal Kombat series, announced that his subdivision, NetherRealm Studios, had secured licensing from Major League Baseball for a roster of around 20 different players from several different teams to be included in the gameplay.

“We are extremely excited to announce that we are in the beginning stages of production for our new game Mortal Kombat Vs. The Major League,” Said Boon. “We at NetherRealm are extremely excited, as this is something we had been working towards with the League for several years, and as the licenses and agreements fell into place, everything started happening immediately. We are tentatively scheduling release for early spring 2015.”

Mortal Kombat has a long history of being extremely violent, causing controversy upon its initial release with its inclusion of graphic blood, realistic depictions of violence, and the creation of the ‘fatalities’ that fans have come to love over time. When asked via email about whether this game was going to be a more ‘toned down’ version, as some of the later Mortal Kombat games have been, Boon stated that there would be no holding back with this new game.

“We had to tone down some of the elements of violence for some of our later games and partnerships, such as Mortal Kombat Vs. The DC Universe. That was part of our agreement with DC, which wanted to be able to market the game towards children. The MLB has not imparted any restrictions on us in the use of their players or teams, so we’re aiming to make this one of the most brutal Mortal Kombat games to date.”

So far, there has been no official word on which teams or players might make it into the game, but as word got out to players, several have stepped up to offer their likenesses.

“It would be a dream come true to be in a Mortal Kombat video game,” Said Dustin Pedroia, second baseman for the Boston Red Sox. “I grew up on Mortal Kombat, like most boys my age. It would be an honor to face off against Scorpion. He can shoot his spear at me, and I can throw balls at his face. It would be hilarious.”

Warner Bros. Interactive will be watching the sales of this game closely, as Boon pointed out, because the numbers will directly correlate to whether or not they seek out licensing deals with other major sports clubs.

“Oh, definitely – we would love to make this into a series if it does well. NHL, NFL…really, the sky is the limit for what we can do with these characters,” Said Boon. “This is going to be the most fun game of the MK Universe so far. I can’t wait for everyone to play it. If there was ever a reason that we got into making Mortal Kombat games, it was so that we could combine the characters with other brands and keep the series going forever. No one will ever get sick of Mortal Kombat, that’s for sure.”

The game is being announced for release on the XBox One and PS4 consoles.

Wal-Mart To Begin Selling Breast Milk In Stores

Posted on September 24, 2014 by carriesnotscary

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas –

New moms everywhere can now tell their babies to let go of their tired breasts and grab their piggy banks, because Wal-Mart has announced their plan to begin selling pre-bottled breast milk in all of their stores. Super Wal-Marts across the country will sell the breast milk, which is to be pumped from lactating women in Indonesia, at their low prices as soon as March 2015, according to company executives. The breast milk will be imported to the U.S., and donors will receive approximately seven American dollars per gallon. All women selected will have healthy, tasty, drug and disease free breast milk ready for retail.

“This is profitable for us for so many reasons. But most importantly, there will always be babies. Out of all those babies, millions of them have moms who shop at Wal-Mart and don’t want to breastfeed. In the end, it benefits everyone,” said Wal-Mart executive Brent McGee. “It’s going to be affordable, and it’s going to fill your baby up. It’s also guaranteed to make your baby cry less, and smile more.”

McGee is right. Moms across America have expressed excitement about this new addition to Wal-Mart shelves. “I don’t want to breastfeed, and I can’t afford nor do I appreciate the ingredients that can be found in the formula,” said loyal Wal-Mart customer and soon-to-be mom Krystall Cooper of Lexington, Kentucky. “When this baby gets out of me, I want to drink all the Franzia wine I want, and that’s just not possible with breastfeeding. A girl’s gotta live! Even when she has a baby.”

Lauren Tooney of Tucson, Arizona feels relief. “I already have three kids to take to soccer practice, water polo practice, elocution lessons, piano practice, scuba diving, modeling classes, and I’ve got another kid on the way. I’d love to breastfeed, but I don’t have the time, and my God – have you seen the prices for formula? I can’t breastfeed it while I’m driving, but that was what I was planning on doing before I heard about this amazing Wal-Mart breast milk.”

McGee says that the milk will be part of their Great Value brand, and will be able to be purchased in half or full-gallon sizes, just as regular milk is sold.

Myrtle Beach To Start Accepting Sand Dollars As Currency

Posted on September 21, 2014 by carriesnotscary

MYRTLE BEACH, South Carolina –

According to Myrtle Beach mayor John Plunkett, the utopia of the east coast will now be accepting sand dollars as currency.

With costs of all tourist expenses skyrocketing, the city decided it needed more options for currency. “There just aren’t enough dollars and cents to generate revenue anymore, especially with the rental costs for a beach umbrella at a shocking $1.00 per minute, and on a beach that could really use a good cleaning at that,” said Plunkett. As for value, one sand dollar will equal one American dollar. “We discussed this a lot, it was a very hard decision. But we figured with the word ‘dollar’ already in the mix, people would get very confused if it meant anything else.”

To be accepted as currency, sand dollars must be dead and dry. “You can’t just take a walk on the beach, find a sand dollar and try to buy a Corona with it. I know it’s a lot to ask, but for this to work we need our tourists and residents to have a grain of sand of dignity!” said Plunkett. “And trust me, a lot of research went into this, so we know what a sand dollar looks like if you use a hair dryer on it.”

The sand dollars will go into effect as real money in Myrtle Beach starting the first of next month. “The city consulted all local businesses about this, and we all agreed it would be great for us,” said local resident and waiter Boyd “Spanky” Gotcrabbes. “I can’t even express how excited I am to have hundreds of sand dollars to display on my mantle when I get home from a shift at the Crabs. No, not that kind! Shack. Crab shack! And sand dollars can’t even fit in a jar, so if I need a few bucks for a drink, all I have to do is grab some decorations, and head off to the bar.”

Plunkett, and the city of Myrtle Beach, are excited for the prospects of this new development. “If this works, other cities will do it…Charleston, Greenville, Columbia. It could even move up all the way to North Carolina. Maybe one day we’ll be in the history books for being the town that saved America from its terrible recession, and not just a boozy beach town with really expensive umbrella rentals.”

‘Memory Foam’ Inventor Diagnosed With Alzheimer’s Disease

Posted on September 21, 2014 by DvanL

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Professor Gerald Harding, NASA scientist best known as “The Grandfather of Memory Foam,” has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease.

“Professor Harding is the world’s foremost authority on synthetic materials and their application,” said Gerald Harding, Jr., son of the inventor. “His NASA research in the 1970s improved the lives of many, so it is with sadness that we report to you the current condition of his health.”

The announcement was made so that focus would not be lost on the illness.

Although the foam is currently associated with furniture and mattresses, it was originally developed by Professor Harding to improve cushioning for pilots and astronauts during long-duration flights and missions, and to protect test pilots and aviators from injury.

Professor Harding began exhibiting signs of memory loss and general dementia some time ago. Gerald, Jr. spoke of his father’s illness.

“He’d go into the kitchen and forget why. We all do that occasionally, but it got worse as time went on. He’d come back into the living room, sit down and ask ‘Is this a new chair? It’s so comfortable!’”

Gerald, Jr. would explain that the professor himself invented the very foam that made the chair so pleasant.

“Sometimes he’d remember, sometimes he wouldn’t. The chair remembered him more than he remembered the chair.”

“You know,” said Gerald, Jr. “the disease has mellowed him out. He’s enjoying things now that he never had time to enjoy before”

A tribute dinner is planned.

JELL-O Deficiency Linked To Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

Posted on September 20, 2014 by DvanL

DEERFIELD, Illinois –

Workers at Kraft Foods, Inc. couldn’t be happier in these less than certain economic times. For them, the future looks bright and shiny.

Jack Pepper, production manager for Kraft Foods’ JELL-O Division said, “We just read a report from the National Council on Osteopathy, and they say gelatin helps relieve carpal tunnel syndrome! We couldn’t be happier!”

Carpal tunnel syndrome results when unnatural, repetitive pressure is placed on the median nerve located in the wrist. Symptoms include numbness, tingling, shooting pains into the hand, and compromised hand movement.

“Gelatin is a natural fleor,” said Dr. Ambrose Seelig, of Baltimore’s Johns Hopkins Medical Center. Dr. Seelig coordinated a groundbreaking gelatin study after his dog, Joy, accidentally ate an entire JELL-O mold that he and his veterinarian wife had made for a pot-luck dinner.

“Joy’s not supposed to have table scraps, but she’s a tricky one. She’s 14, and starting to show signs of slowing down – the usual things that happen with a dog of a certain age,” said the doctor. “She was having a lot of trouble with her joints; they were stiffening, and her paw actually had what in humans would be diagnosed as carpal tunnel. She scratched at the door so much with repetitive paw movements, so her mobility became compromised.”

“Then, I had an ‘Oprah Moment,’” said Seelig. “Well, that’s what my wife called it.”

Two days after Joy ate the JELL-O mold, her mobility increased and even her coat looked shinier. “I thought I was imagining things,” said the doctor, “but my wife confirmed it!”

Joy’s paw was becoming more mobile.

“We kept feeding her JELL-O,” said Dr. Seelig. “She loves it! She thinks she’s getting a treat, but she’s actually involved in good, sound medical research!”

Dr. Seelig wondered if the JELL-O treatment could produce the same result for two-legged sufferers.

Human trials were arranged at a testing facility in Maryland. An ad was placed on craigslist asking for volunteers who suffered from the syndrome.

“We had personalized bowls of JELL-O lined up, ready and waiting for the volunteers,” said Seelig. Some of them were disappointed that they weren’t receiving experimental drugs. A few severe cases couldn’t even shake hands or hold a spoon when they walked in, but after a month, their symptoms had disappeared, or were greatly reduced.”

“Our division is working ’round the clock,” said Jack Pepper, as he supervised production from the busy JELL-O floor. “We’ve even had to hire a new midnight shift! It’s great! I look out here and all I see for miles and miles are happy employees pulling levers up and down, back and forth, again and again and again; boxing gelatin, hand-mixing flavors, sealing bags, over and over and over again — 24/7! Everyone’s thrilled!”

Vegan activists are hoping for an equivalent therapy, as most gelatin products are derived from the skin, bones, hooves, and connective tissue of animals, and therefore not fit for human consumption.

“Joy’s doing great!” says Dr. Seelig. “Except for her green tongue. She likes the melon flavor now, though,” he said.

New San Francisco Eatery Caca-Burger Features Eco-Friendly Sustainable Menu

Posted on September 19, 2014 by IHacklesworth

SAN FRANSICO, California –

San Francisco’s newest eatery boasts the ultimate in Eco-Friendly and Sustainable food sources; Caca-Burger is the first venue in the Bay Area to utilize only the finest recycled fecal matter in its culinary creations. Some food critics, while publicly applauding the innovative approach to cuisine, have said privately they have serious concerns that this will spawn a host of less savory knock offs.

“I’m surprised this was never tried before,” said Caca-Burger owner and head chef Robert Mierda as we relaxed over cups of steaming Asian Palm Civit coffee. “For instance,’ he said, pointing to our coffee cups, “this coffee comes from beans ingested and defecated by a tiny animal in Southeast Asia. Delicious, right? And almost a hundred bucks a pound!”

But is the public ready for a feces-based menu? “Not for everyone, and not as an everyday thing,” answered Mierda, “But our ambiance is ideal for an unusual date night. We also have a special Breakup Menu for Two that will enable someone to breakup with their significant other more easily, especially if the other is at all picky about food. Imagine the fun when they suddenly and dramatically discover that their dietary preferences are incompatible. Our servers refer to the Breakup Menu as ‘The S— Hits the Fan,’ but it does not appear that way on the menu.”

“It’s not so strange, really,” continued Mierda. “Americans have dined on cooked feces for many years. Take shrimp, for instance. Ever wonder what that dark strip on the back of shrimp is, the thing they call the sand vein? It’s the intestinal tract of the shrimp. Yeah, that’s right! And don’t even get me started on sausages! The animals we use are carefully selected for health and fed a balanced feed of grains and fruit only. Our veterinarian examines each animal once a week and should one become ill and require anti-biotics, they are immediately removed from the fecal food chain. Diners need never worry that they will be subjected to anti-biotics and other potentially harmful substances the way they are at too many restaurants in the Bay area.”

Some of the menu items sound tempting, with names like ‘Caca-Burger Supreme with Portobello Mushrooms and Truffle Mayo,’ ‘Flop a l’orange,’ and the extremely straightforward ‘Poop Poop Poop Pudding.’

Reached at the Bay Area Public Health Division, Registered Nurse Jackie Dickson explained the Division’s landmark decision to license the unusual eatery. “It’s really a matter of cultural diversity,” she said. “Each of these menu items has some cultural or historic correlation and Mister Mierda has carefully documented each occurrence. Under Bay Area statutes regarding cultural diversity, our hands are tied. And of course, the food production is routinely inspected by a veterinarian.”

“I guess it’s not that unusual,” she continued. “Do you know about shrimp and that coffee they pass through the cats? People have been doing that for years.”

An informant at the FDA advised us that the agency has taken an interest in the eatery, but they are proceeding with caution. “All this administration needs is a s—storm over something like this, if you’ll pardon the pun. Everyone in the administration is on notice that cultural diversity rules the day and no one wants to get in front of that.”

Caca-Burger is located on Zeitgeist Street in the Mission District. Hours are Noon to 9PM Monday through Saturday. Major credit cards are accepted.

Pentagon Replacing Military Boots with Athletic Shoes

Posted on September 18, 2014 by IHacklesworth

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

General Martin Dempsey, the nation’s top military officer, stunned reporters today with the announcement that beginning immediately, the use of military boots, often inaccurately called ‘combat boots’, will be phased out. Beginning next week, new recruits at all armed forces boot camps across the country will be issued athletic shoes and other footwear of varying types.

“Two hundred years of military tradition has been cast aside to clarify the new twenty first century missions of each branch of the Armed Forces,” Dempsey told the standing room only conference room. “The presence of military units in this country has been described for decades with the wholly inaccurate phrase ‘boots on the ground.’ But that ends now.”

Dempsey explained that it is time for the military to acknowledge the different roles played by its members. “For instance, there is no necessity for soldiers in clerical roles to wear heavy military boots while working on a computer in an office. Therefore, even though those troops might be in-country, to say they are part of the ‘boots on the ground’ in any campaign would be erroneous.”

White House officials rejected that this move was in response to the President’s promise not to put ‘boots on the ground’ in Iraq and Syria. Reached aboard Air Force One en route to Atlanta this afternoon, Press Secretary Josh Earnest reiterated General Dempsey’s earlier statements regarding the changes in military footwear.

“These are modern times, and modern times call for modern footwear. The standard GI military boot was designed for combat in the second World War and Korea. I think you will agree that the world is very different now than it was in the 1940’s and 1950’s.”

Asked if it would now be accurate to use the phrase ‘footwear on the ground’ in any future military actions, Earnest promised he will have an answer later today for the Press Corps, but they were about to land and he needed to be sure his seat back was in the full upright position.

A press briefing packet issued by the Pentagon shows that active duty Air Force personnel will be issued Nike Air Jordans and wingtips, depending upon rank, active duty Navy personnel will be issued Dockers, Army will be issued New Balance hiking Shoes, and the Marine Corps and other elite units can choose shoes at their discretion, so long as they cannot be mistaken for a boot of any kind.

In a similar development, Secretary of State John Kerry said from Paris, where he is meeting with foreign leaders, that the official footwear of the State Department going forward will be flip-flops. No explanation was given for this decision.

Iowa Farmer Breeds Three Legged Chickens; KFC Plans ‘3 Drumstick Meals’

Posted on September 18, 2014 by IHacklesworth

ACKLEY, Iowa –

Iowa farmer Warren Milledge has a lot to be proud of lately. He has a new grand-daughter, was recognized by the local Grange for 40 years of service, and as a lifelong chicken farmer, he has been the first person to successfully bred a three-legged chicken.

“I’m naturally most proud of our new grand baby, Sunny Ann Milledge,” said in an interview on his Marshalltown Pike farmstead. “Eight pounds, seven ounces and giggles and gurgles all day long. Gosh, we love that baby! “But those three-legger hens are surely an amazing miracle.”

Milledge, a 1977 graduate of the University of Iowa Cedar Rapids Agriculture program, explained how he came up with the idea a three legged chicken in the first place. “You see, it was when there were just the three of us, this was before our son Benjamin was married. I love a drumstick, Ben loves a drumstick, and mother loves a drumstick, but as you know a chicken only has two legs so only two drumsticks. That meant roasting two chickens each time so there were enough drumsticks.”

Milledge says that at first, it was just a joke around the house that they should try to somehow breed a three-legged chicken. Then after joking about it for several months, it started to become less of a joke, and more of an intriguing possibility.

“One day a Divine Providence visited this humble Iowa farm,” said Milledge. “A chick was born with two normal legs and a smaller, non-functioning leg that sort of twitched a bit. You’ve probably seen pictures of two-headed snakes or two-headed cows and sheep and whatnot. Well, this was along those lines.”

“Normally those freak animals don’t survive birth, but this little chicken, we eventually found out he was a rooster, was very lively so I chose him for breeding and after a few peeps, which is what we call bunches of newborn chicks for you city fellers, we got two more chicks with those little legs. So we started breeding those two with the rooster and eventually achieved chicks with fully functional third legs. There was a short piece in Iowa Farmer’s Digest and that’s when KFC got involved.”

Purvis Jones, a spokesperson for KFC, confirmed that the fast food company has taken a keen interest in the three-legged chickens, and have approached Milledge with the idea of being one of their key breeders.

“The long range plan for us is to offer meals with three drumsticks, but that is a few years away. Right now, we are working with Mr. Milledge to breed a solid base of three-legged chickens for production. He has about two hundred chickens now, but we need to see flocks in the many thousands before the three-leggers are commercially viable for us. Right now, three-legged chick births are only running about 60% and we’d like to see some improvement in those numbers. Plus, there’s the other problem,” Said Jones, deferring to the Milledge Farm for further comment.

“Yep, that’s true,” said Milledge, with a slight laugh. “The problem, well…we have a big problem with the three-leggers. You see, we don’t yet know how these chickens taste because, well, do you have any idea how fast a three-legged chicken can run? Well, it’s pretty fast, I’ll tell you fer darn sure. We haven’t caught one yet.”

Once Milledge is finally able to catch and sample the chicken meat, KFC will request samples for their future meal plans.

Merriam-Webster Dictionary Drops The Word Gullible From 2015 Edition

Posted on September 18, 2014 by IHacklesworth

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Each year, the Merriam-Webster International Dictionary research teams carefully review new words that have been introduced to the American language in the previous year for the next edition of their highly regarded reference text, as well as following shifting meanings in old words. This year, several cultural shifts have caused some surprises.
“It is highly unusual for us to remove a word from future editions, but we are doing so for the 2015 edition,” said Merriam-Webster spokesperson Constance Reader. “To be sure, there are obsolete words that have remained, for instance widdershins, meaning to turn counter-clockwise, that lost its purpose centuries ago when reliable timepieces were invented. Another word that has gone out of use is cockalorum, meaning a little man with a high opinion of himself. And of course, there is the schoolboy jape, ‘Ain’t ain’t in the dictionary’, but of course it is in most modern dictionaries of the English and American language.”

“For an obsolete word to be expunged entirely, there must be sufficient reason,” she continued, “and in the case of one word in particular there is more than ample evidence of its impractical nature and,” she said, lowering her voice, “even evidence of the danger of the use of this word. Therefore, Merriam-Webster International will remove the word gullible from all future editions of our dictionary beginning with the 2015 printing.”

Reader explained that it was the consensus of the 2015 Edition Committee members that gullible be dropped to avoid any further misuses of the word such as those reported to the committee.

“Gullible’” Reader explained, “has a troubled history as an adjective due to the radical shifts of meaning of both the root word and its synonyms. The definitions of synonyms such as credulous, naive, overtrusting, overtrustful, easily deceived, easily taken in, exploitable, dupable, impressionable, unsuspecting, unsuspicious, unwary, ingenuous, innocent, inexperienced, unworldly, green, have all shifted in the past several years. In fact, there is an unconfirmed report of one new meaning for gullible is ‘capable of being gulled, as in the sentence ‘This beach is devoid of all wild fowl making it quite gullible.'”

“All of this has made the meaning of gullible completely unclear, rendering it unsuitable for personal, business and diplomatic communications. In today’s highly volatile world, you can imagine what may occur if gullible were to be used as a synonym of innocent, but was mistaken to mean capable of being gulled.”

Reader went on to say that a brand new word has been coined for 2015 by the committee in response to a the need for a word that would mean ‘appropriation or theft for publication of another person’s work’. The brand new word for 2015 is ‘plagiarism’.
“We believe that ‘plagiarism’ will quickly be adopted by English speakers in much the same way that Dublin theatre owner Richard Daly’s word ‘quiz’ was readily accepted by the public in 1791.”

Professional Chef And Cannibalism Expert Denied Restaurant Permit

Posted on September 16, 2014 by DvanL

BROOKLYN, New York –

Charles Freihoffer loves food. He also happens to hold a degree in psychology, and is an authority on people who practice, or claim to practice, cannibalism. “I’ve been called on to offer expert testimony on cases where some pretty grisly crimes have taken place. It’s a very specific disorder and the work takes its toll, so my stress relief for all that is cooking.”

“I wanted to open a dungeon-themed restaurant called Ground Chuck,” Freihoffer explained, with a wry smile. “I decided to ‘go dungeon’ because the space I found was a basement space. So I went and applied for the permits, but I got turned down.”

“Charlie should be able to open a restaurant,” says his mother, Danielle. “I’m not just saying that because he’s my son and I’m his mother, I’m saying it because he’s good at what he does. This is supposed to be the land of free enterprise and that type of thing, last time I checked!”

“I had menu ideas going and everything,” said Freihoffer. “I wanted it to be fun, so I put together some traditional stuff, but with my sense of humor in it because a lot of my friends know what kind of job I do. So I came up with some fun stuff: ribs, leg of lamb, pork shoulder, elbow macaroni, kidney beans, artichoke hearts, things like that, real ‘groaners.’ I think it’s a great idea and fun for the neighborhood, but I guess no one has a sense of humor anymore.”

Susan Metzger, Administrator for the New York City Food & Beverage Commission, was able to give some advice to Freihoffer after his permit was denied. “I told him that even in a so-called ‘edgy’ city like New York, with all the restaurants and trends and themes and whatnot, unless you’re a Disney or a Planet Hollywood or a Guy Fieri, it’s gonna be an uphill battle. Honestly, some of the ideas he had, they came off a little too, um…creative and scary.”

“Believe it or not, the big guys are afraid of the little guys,” she continued. “The reality is, New York is becoming more conservative. Even from where I sit, I can see that. I told him how to appeal and to apply again. I wish him luck. He seems like a nice guy. It sounds like a fun idea.”

“This isn’t the same place I grew up in,” said Freihoffer. “The edge is gone. All the fun is being squashed out by the big-wigs and the corporations so little guys like me get screwed. I don’t know any famous people like Rachel Ray or folks like that, but I mean how am I supposed to get my start? It’s bad enough that opening a restaurant in the NYC means that at any time they could ban a random food item, like they tried to do with large sodas. The city is crazy.”

Freihoffer remains optimistic and appreciates the help and support he receives from his friends and family.

“Well, now it’s just wait-and-see. Here I thought the hardest part was going to be finding the right place to open up,” said Friehoffer. “That was the easiest part! Now it’s all this red tape. Hey, I’m going to keep trying, so stay tuned!” he said, giving the ‘thumbs-up’ gesture.