Major Recall of Multiple Condom Brands After Employee Found Poking Holes In Packages

Posted on January 14, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BRIGHTON, Mississippi –

Multiple lines of condoms in the Durex line, including Durex Rubbas’ Sheepskin and Durex XXS condoms are being recalled from the market today after an employee was found to have been placing small holes in each package as they went through the assembly line.

Doyle Murphy, 55, had worked for the Durex condom company for over 20 years, and was apparently upset that he was passed over for a promotion for the 4th time.

“It should have been me, goddamnit,” said Murphy, who worked on the assembly line in packaging and shipping. “I’ve been with the company almost as long as that new bastard has been alive, and it’s ridiculous that they passed me over again. If they’re going to be passing me up for kids, then this company better be ready for a whole lot more kids to be born thanks to their product.”

According to security footage, Murphy was seen poking holes with a needle into random condom pouches as they went by his station. Murphy’s job was to gently squeeze each pouch before it was boxed to make sure there was air in the condom, lest someone go to use it and it’s dried out.

“They were supposed to move me off the ‘squeezies’ and into the next department up, which is the testing department. It was my time, I tell you,” said Murphy. The testing department come before packaging, and it is the area where men are required to personally test one out of every one hundred condoms that comes off the production line. “We have to make sure that they’re working, and we have a whole team of people who just have sex all day to test them. It’s my dream job.”

Murphy is being charged with felony tampering, as condoms are considered a medical device. People who use condoms are urged to carefully check the packaging for holes before slipping one on.

Kosher Weed Coming to NY State; Yahweh Said to Be Pleased

Posted on January 11, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Orthodox Jews and hipster kosher foodies of New York are rejoicing after the arrival of Kosher marijuana to the city. The Orthodox Union certified the new strain, called Jew Curl, as the world’s first Kosher marijuana.

Matt Gacy, a Jewish stoner, says the pot was so good he could hear God speaking to him. Yahweh is reported to say, “I am very pleased. A fine medicine I have given my people, who followed Moses across the red sea. Of all of My laws people break, not keeping kosher particularly pissed me off.”

To check for kosher certification, look for the U symbol with a circle around it on the packaging of your marijuana. Sources say that even private, “illegal” dealers can have their marijuana blessed by the Union to sell to their Jewish customers.

Hilary Clinton Leaks Classified Info about Extra Terrestrials

Posted on January 7, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONWAY, New Hampshire –

Hilary Clinton said recently that aliens “may be real,” and research into her comments have uncovered some extreme news. According to The Conway Daily Sun, a small, relatively unknown newspaper in the White Mountains of New Hampshire, Hilary promised to “get to the bottom of the area 51 thing” as far back as 2007. It now appears that she, in fact, did, as it has been uncovered that beings from another world are now actually financing her campaign.

While many see Hilary Clinton’s comments as a joke, conspiracy theorists are going wild over the leak. John Podesta, former White House Chief of Staff, has been pursuing disclosure for over a decade and has been insisting “the truth is out there,” even suggesting that actress Lena Dunham “ask Hilary about aliens” in her interview.

Podesta says the real reason for the cover up is campaign funding. They don’t want to disclose how much money Extraterrestrials have donated to their campaign, since officially it is not legal for them to accept funds from out of this world.

Candidate Donald Trump responded to the situation saying that no alien life is welcome in the US, whether it be Mexicans or Martians.

Washington D.C. Tourist Board To Give Free Weed As Incentive To Visit City

Posted on January 6, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Tourism at the nation’s capital is on the decline, and the Washington D.C. Tourism Board plans to do something about it. Since Initiative 71 was passed in November of 2015, it is now legal in the nation’s capital to give marijuana as a gift. Each tourist will be able to go to stop by locations such as Destination DC for up to a free gram of marijuana.

“The decline in tourism has been linked to a major decline in patriotism, and a new generation who wants more out of their vacation than lame selfies in front of the Lincoln Monument,” said Mark Long, director of tourism for the city. “It’s just not going to do it for kids today. We’ve surveyed hundreds of teenagers about whether they would be interested in going to D.C. someday. 4 out of 5 said no, and 1 out of 5 just rolled their eyes and refused to respond completely.”

“Look how well Colorado is doing. We need to attract that young stoner crowd. Washington has quite the night life- plenty of things for young hipsters to do,” said Washington D.C. resident and stoner Kyle Reese. “They may find our monuments and attractions boring while sober, but a little pot and everything’s more fun!”

Subliminal Messages Found in Beatles Tracks on Spotify

Posted on December 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin –

According to Illuminati watchdogs, Spotify didn’t just release the Beatles back-catalog to make some money, they did it to mess with your mind.

“A subliminal message can be overlain with music so it is inaudible to the conscious mind, but still has an effect on the subconscious,” said professor John Gold at Boston’s Harvard College. “The actual effectiveness of subliminal advertising is in question, but according to conspiracy theorists, that’s just what they want you to think. In fact it is very effective, used in advertisements and propaganda all the time.”

Burnt out old hippie Harry Brown warns, “As tempting as it is to tune in, don’t do it. Big brother just wants to keep you pacified. Think about it. Everyone likes the Beatles. Almost everyone has Spotify. If I was trying to control the population, that’s what I’d do. They just want everyone to be mindless little sheep. But hell no, man. Not me. That’s why I’m sticking with my vinyl, man. Face it, MP3 sound will never be as real. You gotta stay real no matter what you do.”

Spotify did not comment on the Beatles subliminal messaging, but it has been noted that subscriptions to the paid service have gone up substantially since the catalog was released on Christmas eve.

President Obama Arrested For Drunk Driving Returning From New Year’s Eve Party

Posted on December 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

According to police reports, President Barack Obama was arrested for drunk driving on his way back to the White House from a New Year’s Eve party in Baltimore.

The president, who normally is driven by secret service members, apparently become severely intoxicated at the home of a family friend, and snuck away from his bodyguards by climbing out of a bathroom window.

“The President jumped from a second story window after throwing up in the [unnamed friend’s] bathtub, and stole a car from their garage,” said police chief John Wiggin. “When he was pulled over, he had a blood-alcohol level of 2.0, and was driving 95mph down the wrong side of the road. He’s insanely lucky no one was hurt.”

The incident took place at approximately 7pm, and the President was reportedly sleeping it off in a Washington, D.C. jail cell. Police say it is highly likely the Obama will pardon himself of his crimes, as he has done several times during his presidency.

Company Announces Plans To Release Sex Toys For Children

Posted on December 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DES MOINES, Iowa –

A new startup has announced plans to release a line of sex toys aimed entirely at children, according to the company’s Kickstarter page.

The Lil’ Sexy Tykes Toy Company says that there is a massive, untapped market for children who like to masturbate, and want to experiment with toys and other items.

“Everyone masturbates. Babies in the womb are masturbating. It’s not wrong, and it won’t cause you to go blind or get hair palms, we all know that,” said company CEO Mike List. “We know that even children are masturbating, but we also know that they want to be able to enjoy sex in the same way adults do – although we don’t encourage them to actually experience intercourse, we would like them to enjoy dildos, penis-rings, clamps, and those types of things. Smaller versions, of course.”

List says that he got the idea after he walked in on his 9-year-old son masturbating.

“I had no idea that he even did that sort of thing, or knew how,” said List. “Later, we talked about the Birds and The Bees, as it were, and he confessed he’d been masturbating for over a year. I knew that there were other kids out there, too, who also masturbated, and probably wanted to try new things.”

List’s Kickstarter for his Lil’ Sexy Tykes Toy Company is seeking $30,000 for manufacture and distribution of the toy line.

New Year’s Eve Celebration In Times Square Cancelled Over Terrorist Threat

Posted on December 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

If you were planning on hitting the Big Apple tonight, you may need to make a change of plans. According to the FBI, they’ve had to force planners to cancel the ball dropping in Times Square, an event that has taken place for decades.

According to the reanimated corpse of Dick Clark, who has been hosting Dick Clark’s Rockin’ Eve for the last 90 years or so, the event normally goes off without a hitch, but this year, federal authorities were worried about issues arising from ISIS.

“I’ve been dead for a few years, so I’m not really up on this ISIS thing,” said the zombie Dick Clark. “Ryan Seacrest has been hosting this show for the last few years, and he tells me that since no one is really watching it anymore anyway, it’s not really a big loss that we won’t be doing it.”

Thousands of people had already gathered in New York City by the time of this writing, although police say they are working with the national guard to peacefully disperse the crowds.

Man Arrested After Shooting At Ceiling, Injuring Toddler In Upstairs Apartment

Posted on December 29, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BRIAR, North Dakota –

Loud upstairs neighbors beware. North Dakota resident Phillip Davis tells police that his neighbors were thrashing around on purpose, terrorizing him with loud noises and thumping. Racking up over 50 noise complaints in a matter of months, Davis reportedly told police the family just wanted to drive him insane.

“I ask you – what kind of mother lets their kids run around till 11 o’clock at night? That kid would run from one end of the apartment to the other, jump on the bed, and then back again,” said Davis. “If I was able to go to bed at a reasonable hour and get a proper night’s sleep, this accident would never have happened.”

According to Davis, he was so distressed and angry after not being able to sleep, he grabbed his gun – which he keeps on a bedside table – and claims he intended to only “mockingly” shoot at the ceiling where his neighbors were again slamming and thrashing around.

“I didn’t mean to actually pull the trigger, it was just an automatic response,” said Davis. “You know, anyone would make the same kind of motion, that whole ‘I’m gonna shoot these people!’ kind of thing. I didn’t mean to actually shoot anyone.”

The unidentified two-year-old child was fortunate enough to only receive minor injuries after the bullet from Davis’ gun went through his ceiling and punctured the mother’s foot, causing the extremely obese woman to fall on the poor child.

“I used to work second shift,” Georgette Hamilton says. “I like to sleep in. Baby would be getting up way too early if I put her to bed before 11. In a way, this is a blessing in disguise. Laid up as I am from my foot, my disability will surely go through this time!”

United States Plans To Enforce 1-Child Limit On Families

Posted on December 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C –

China announced this week that they were lifting their decades-old ban on children, which previously only allowed families to have one child. Although not lifted completely, the country did decide to allow people to now have 2 children per household. In the United States, though, the amount of children a person could have has never been regulated – until now.

“We are quickly become an overpopulated nation, much like China,” said President Obama. “People are using and abusing our systems, they are taking handouts and living off the government, all because they had too many children they could not afford. I am all for helping your neighbor, but sometimes, your neighbor must also help themselves.”

According to President Obama, the United States has needed population control for many years, but it was becoming increasingly difficult to pass measures through congress. Right before the 2015 holiday break, the measure was voted on and passed.

“Starting in April of 2016, we will be limiting the number of children a couple may have down to one,” said Obama. “Obviously, if you have more than that currently, that is fine, but you will be required to stop at one child once you have your first. Men will have vasectomies; women, their tubes tied. We cannot take any chances on overpopulating this country, or this world.”