Bill Clinton Buys Monica Lewinsky’s Famous ‘Stained Dress’ In Online Auction

Posted on October 21, 2014 by DvanL

SAN JOSE, California –

The most infamous blue dress in the world, associated with the most sensational Presidential scandal in recent history, has reared its ugly head once again.

The garment, stained with the DNA provided by former President Bill Clinton, was originally purchased by Lewinsky from the GAP clothing store, and showed up on the online auction site BetMe.net last week. An online bidder known only as ‘William J. Slickton’ of New York, entered the winning bid of $288,050.10.

“Slick Willie” was the nickname given to Bill Clinton, a reference to his deal-making skills while Governor of Arkansas from 1979 to 1981 and from 1983 to 1992.

The question of the day is, could William J. Slickton actually be William Jefferson Clinton, 42^nd President of the United States? Although BetMe.net does not disclose personal member details beyond those provided by the user in his or her profile, what is known so far offers clues as to the identity of the winning bidder:

William Slickton has been a member of the BetMe community for 3 years. Previous winning bids have been for golf equipment, a vintage saxophone case, several crossword puzzle books, and an antique pre-Civil War hand-drawn map of Arkansas. The items link to hobbies, activities, and interests enjoyed by the former President.

Professional Hacker ‘LindaTrippster@safecrack.net’ obtained the unique IP address of William J. Slickton’s computer in order to determine the location where the auction transaction took place. The locale was Chappaqua, New York, site of the Clinton’s home.

Will this disclosure hurt former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton’s chances to become the 2016 Democratic Presidential Nominee? Empire News asked presidential historian Hedda Parsons to offer insights. “There’s always a risk of damage when bringing up a scandal,” said Parsons. “The question remains, would the former President actually be so bold as to use an online identity so closely related to his own nickname? And why would he want a dress with his DNA all over it in the first place? Everyone knows that in Washington you can’t wear the same outfit twice – let alone re-wear a dress that someone has … well, we all know the mess that was made all over that dress.”

Questions about Clinton’s judgment are indeed valid. Many feel that the choice to initiate a liaison with a 22-year-old intern in the Oval Office demonstrated a severe lapse in judgment, and it lead to Clinton’s impeachment in 1998.

As to who put the dress up for auction in the first place, Monica Lewinsky remains tight-lipped. In a statement provided by her attorney, Ms. Lewinksy said “The dress was used as evidence during Prosecutor Ken Starr’s trial and was no longer in my possession. The events in question occurred during a very dark period in my life. Since then, I have washed my hands of the whole affair and have continued to move forward.”

No comment has been issued by the former President.

U.S. Postal Service Announces Plans To Change To ‘Weekend Only’ Delivery Model

Posted on October 20, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The United States Postal Service has been considering major cutbacks over the last several years amid increased costs and fewer customers. The advent of email and other forms of communication has drastically cut back on the number of items mailed to minimal amounts compared to even a decade ago, and the agency has been looking to make changes to help save money ever since.

In a drastic change announced this morning, the Postmaster General stated that the Postal Service would be cutting back on weekday delivery, and instead moving to a ‘weekend only’ delivery schedule. This would eliminate any regular, first-class mail delivery Monday through Friday, and would pick up Sunday as an extra delivery day.

“Moving away from weekdays and into just weekends will save the Postal Service millions upon millions of dollars every year,” said Mr. Grumman Ellelvee, the Postmaster General. “We have toyed with the idea many times of eliminating Saturday deliver, and sticking with just weekdays, but that would only save a pittance in comparison to doing the reverse, and eliminating delivery through the week.”

Ellelvee went on to say that postal workers would be happier, as their stressful weeks would be cut down by 66%.

“The safety and health of our employees is of a top priority,” said Ellelvee. “So we will be substantially raising the salary for our workers to compensate for the lost time. Even with that one cost increase, we will still save money on transportation, fuel, vehicle maintenance, shipment, and other costs.”

When asked to explain some of the hardships being faced by the Postal Service, Ellelvee was very open about the current state, as well as the future, of the post office.

“We just can’t keep up anymore, it’s very expensive to ship and move all these mail items and packages. Many people don’t know this, but Netflix was pretty much keeping us alive for years with their disc-by-mail model. Ever since streaming became more popular, we just don’t have as much mail anymore, and without mail, we don’t make as much money. That’s why switching gears, moving to this new model, could help keep the post office alive and well for years to come.”

The U.S. Postal Service says the remainder of 2014 will continue on normal schedules, and the new system should be beginning January 1st, 2015. The new changes will not affect overnight delivery or international shipments.

New Eco-Friendly Laws Could Force NASCAR To Race Solely With Electric Vehicles

Posted on October 20, 2014 by JP

DAYTONA BEACH, Florida –

Die hard NASCAR fans are not going to happy with a new eco-friendly law that is circulating in congress. The new law, House Act E.205, states that any car being used for entertainment purposes would have to be electrical. This means that NASCAR, monster trucks, demolition derbies, and others, would all have to switch to electric vehicles.

The NASCAR organization has taken steps over the last several years into researching and building their own electric cars, which would make them set and ready to race eco-friendly if the law passes. Regardless of the law and its outcome, though, NASCAR insiders say it’s very possible that fans could start seeing all-electric, eco-friendly cars being raced, at least in minor circuits.

“It’s fun to see cars that go 200 mph around a track in a circle for hours and hours, but that takes a lot of fuel,” said NASCAR pit-crew leader Joe Goldsmith. “The new electric cars, they’ll be going maybe 60 to 75 mph, so the thrill won’t be there, but we’ll be saving the environment, and that’s a wonderful thing, or at least that’s what they’re telling me to say.”

NASCAR fans are naturally outraged by the news or such a major impending change to their beloved sport, and many have been taking to social media, leaving heated comments on the NASCAR Facebook and Twitter pages.

“This is America! We like to waste as many natural resources as possible for the good of entertainment!” Posted Aaron Silver, of Atlanta, to the NASCAR Facebook page. “Next you’ll be telling me what I can and can’t eat during the races. F— that, I’ll eat all the damn Doritos I want, and ya’ll won’t stop me!”

“It’s shifting gears, and drinking beers! Not pushing a button, and hoping for something,” said Jeff Lorde, of Topeka. His comment on the NASCAR Twitter page had over 600 retweets.

NASCAR representatives say that even if the changes are inevitable, the sport would not suffer entirely.

“In the end we’ll still be serving beer at all our events, so whether the cars race at 70 mph or at 200 mph, you’ll still be able to get just as drunk as always,” said Goldsmith. “If that isn’t what racing is all about, then I don’t know what is.”

Man Dies In Haunted House, Mistaken For Prop For Almost 2 Weeks

Posted on October 18, 2014 by DvanL

WAUKEGAN, Illinois –

Halloween in Waukegan, Illinois is anticipated by the entire town, as every October for the past 8 years, the Graham family has unveiled their haunted house to the neighborhood, with the event drawing thousands of visitors throughout the season.

The event became so popular that for the third year in a row, local police had to set up barricades to keep both automobile and pedestrian traffic moving along at an orderly pace, and the Graham’s started pre-selling tickets to the event to keep track of visitors.

“That’s how we noticed something was off,” said Hank Graham, owner of the Wicked Waukegan Haunted House. “The tickets came up one short when we counted out the receipts at the end of the day. That was the first or second night of the attraction, at the beginning of this month.”

The mystery of the incorrect ticket count was solved late last week when a 6-year-old visitor told his parents he was very frightened of the “old, dead stinky man” on the second level. “I heard the little boy say that,” said Hank, “and I thought – ‘Oh great!’ If kids are getting a scare, well, that’s the whole fun of it. Every year we add new props – we have mummies, skeletons, and mannequins, plus the ol’ peeled grapes as eyeballs in a bowl, strobe lights, fog machines – crowd favorites, I guess you’d call them. Unfortunately, it was not one of our props that had scared the boy.”

That same evening, 31-year-old Susan Johnston, screamed in terror as her children, who she was accompanying through the haunt, accidentally bumped into what they thought was a prop dummy, and discovered it to be an actual dead body.

“I told them to be careful as we went through, but my little Grace, I think she touched him and it knocked him over, and his arm literally ripped right off his body! Blood and other bodily fluids got all over Grace’s jacket and in her hair, and my son Ricky got some sort of slime all over his hand. They were both terrified. It smelled so bad when we first walked in, but we thought it was all just part of the attraction. Both of my children vomited right there on the floor.”

According to police, a 71-year-old man, whose identity has not been released pending notification to the family, had leaned up against a corner of the building after climbing the stairs to the second floor, and had apparently passed away. “We don’t yet know whether he had a heart attack or an existing illness that may have caused his death,” said Officer Allison Garfield, who had been on the scene to direct traffic. “It was mayhem after he was discovered, though. People ran from the building screaming, but not in a good, fun way as you’d expect at a place like this.”

“To think that someone could live all alone in this world in a way that no one would notice you gone for multiple weeks, and he made a trip here all by himself to have some fun…We didn’t notice him ourselves – it’s just awful,” Said Lynn Graham. “We have so many props up there I guess I thought Hank put him up there, and he thought I did.”

The local health department shut down the Halloween exhibit, but authorities did not file charges against the Graham family. “It was just an unfortunate accident,” said Officer Garfield. “These are just some wonderful people who open their home every year for people to have some fun, and this just put a shadow over the whole thing.”

The Grahams have closed their attraction for the remainder of the season, but said they do plan to re-open the haunt next year.

2014 Federal Tax Refunds To Be Delayed, Payments Won’t Arrive Until October 2015

Posted on October 18, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The deadline for filing your 2014 federal tax return has been April 15th for decades, with the last person who is owed a refund getting their payment usually by the end of May. This year, though, even with the advent of the internet and phone-filing systems, people who file early and folks who wait until the final deadline, are looking to have their refunds held back several months, with payouts not expected to happen until October of 2015.

The news of the major change was first broken by website National Report, who says that the Obama administration is purposely holding owed refunds to help save the government money. According to Report, the Federal Government returns around $350 billion dollars of what it has collected from taxes throughout the year, and withholding the payouts until October will allow the government to gain an additional $30 billion in interest and additional borrowing costs.

The change is not universal, though. The new rebate delay is only set to affect those who have filled under an individual status, meaning large corporations and businesses will still be eligible to receive any refunds owed almost immediately, while the rest of us wait.

“Your money is still coming, and we will not be holding back an extra cent,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “Pulling back payments until the end of 2015 will help increase government earnings. This is merely a new structure to a system that has been in place for generations. Sometimes, change is inevitable.”

As many Americans rely every year on their tax returns, planning vacations, expensive purchases, and some even wisely putting it in savings or using it to pay rent or bills, this push could cause some headaches for those people who live paycheck-to-paycheck.

“It’s just awful, seriously awful,” said Marie Jordan, a mother of 5 young children in Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts. “I was going to use my refund to hire a babysitter and take a 2-week cruise vacation to the Bahamas in March, all by myself. Maybe find a nice Cabana boy to take back to my stateroom. Apparently that’s not happening, now. I hate our government in times like this.”

Many taxpayers echoed Jordan’s feelings, saying that they need their money sooner rather than later.

“This is going to really kill my February,” said taxpayer Joe Goldsmith, a recently divorced bachelor in Missouri. “I work a crappy retail job, and barely can make ends meet on my weekly paycheck, so I was planning on doing an early file, and getting my money back by February. Even though my bitch ex-wife said I should save it for alimony, I was going to use it to buy a big screen TV and throw a Super Bowl bash for myself and some friends. I guess I will just watch the game alone on my 27″ tube TV instead. Thanks, Obama.”

According to Earnest, the deadline for filing your Federal Income Tax Returns will remain April 15th, with checks and direct deposits being made starting October 15, 2015.

Secret CDC Memos Reveal Strain of Ebola Virus Has Gone ‘Airborne’

Posted on October 17, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The threat of the Ebola virus has gripped the country over the last several weeks, spreading across social media and internet news sites faster than the actual virus, but the one topic that concerned people the most is the idea that Ebola, which is normally contracted through contaminated bodily fluids, had become an airborne disease, similar to the way the common cold and influenza viruses are spread.

Even now, the Center for Disease Control in Washington says that Ebola has not gone airborne, and that you are not likely to get it if you just follow normal health precautions; washing your hands after using the bathroom, washing fruits and vegetables before eating, saying your nightly prayers, and not licking the open sores of Ebola patients or dead.

All of that is ‘hogwash,’ though, according to a CDC insider who has obtained memos from high-ranking officials within the organization. He says that Ebola has mutated itself into an airborne disease, and that a worldwide pandemic is already underway.

“You’ve seen the news already about the government purchasing disposable coffins. Did you think that was a joke?” Said the CDC insider, who spoke to us anonymously. “Ebola is one of the deadliest diseases you can catch. Sure, only 2 people in the United States have it right now. Sure, it’s only killed about 5,000 people since 1976, compared to the almost 36,000 people who die of the flu every year. And sure, it’s hard to contract right now – but soon it won’t be.”

The anonymous source says that he obtained confidential memos that state that there is a strain of Ebola that the CDC is trying to hide, and that the viral nature of the new disease has already caused it to spread quickly.

“The standard Ebola is called EBOV, from its own genus, ebolavirus. The new strain is being referred to as EBON, from the genus ebolanet, stemming from the fact that Ebola has gone ‘airborne’ across the internet and social media, almost inciting a mass panic. Truth of the matter is, the odds of anyone in a first-world country with modern health technologies, like the United States, contracting the actual Ebola virus are near zero, but catching this new, panic-inducing media strain is almost a 100% certainty.”

The insider says that the best ways to avoid contracting this violent new strain of Ebola are to ‘ignore hype,’ ‘do your own research,’ and ‘stop believing everything you see on the internet.’

Sean Hannity Fired From Fox Network, Blames Liberal Smear Campaign

Posted on October 17, 2014 by DvanL

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Shockwaves rippled throughout the broadcast journalism community today, with the news that conservative political commentator and show host Sean Hannity was fired by Fox News Channel President Roger Ailes.

Hannity, a Fox News programming staple since 2008, will be replaced by a new, yet-to-be-named animated news and current events show produced by Seth MacFarlane, creator and producer of Family Guy, and American Dad.

“This is a business,” remarked Ailes, when questioned outside Fox News Headquarters in New York. “Hannity was great, it performed well, but numbers were going down. People get tired of hearing the same old complaints. Maybe we’ll open up a spot for Sean if Hillary gets elected. The well’s running dry on fresh, new Obama criticisms. Even I was saying ‘haven’t we done this already?’”

Reportedly too distressed to face reporters himself, Hannity’s close friend and former Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin made a post to her Facebook page, deriding the decision to remove Hannity from broadcast.

“Doggonit here we go again with the further erodation (sic) by the liberal ‘lamestream’ media folks over there, with those goshdarn attacks on REAL Americans like the great Sean Hannity, who was sadly removed from our precious airwaves today. I will continue to defend our ideals and our dearly held freedoms as these pre-packaged, left-wing newsbites are prepared in easy-chew pills for the masses, and a certain member of the White House continues to shuck and jive his way through it all.”

No mention was made of Hannity’s immediate future in the television broadcast journalism realm. He will continue to host The Sean Hannity Show on radio, which made its national debut in September, 2001.

Discount Juice Brand Found To Have Used Wood Pulp In Orange Juice

Posted on October 16, 2014 by DvanL

PORT ST. LUCIE, Florida –

The Douglass family fortune was built on Papa D’s Orange Juice. Patriarch Oliver Douglass bought some land in 1938, and set up orange groves as far as the eye could see. In no time, ‘Papa D’s OJ’ lined store shelves from Orlando to Miami.

The family’s spotless reputation was tarnished last week though, when it was revealed that for decades, one of Douglass’ partners, a paper manufacturer, was supplying him with wood pulp for Douglass to add to their Papa D’s juice.

According to agriculture inspector Hank Kimball, Douglass used the cheapest strain of oranges available. “The fruit had next to no nutritional value whatsoever, and contained little to no pulp. They were basically sacks of juice surrounded by an orange rind,” Kimball stated.

The paper mill was owned by one of Douglass’ business partners. “From what the authorities have told me,” said Kimball, “apparently Douglass got the pulp for free in exchange for some tax breaks or something he arranged for his friend at the mill. Douglass had that kind of pull in this town. So they set it up so that pulp the mill needed to get rid of, that couldn’t be disposed of on land without it costing a lot of money or inconspicuously dumped into the ocean, would get mixed into the orange juice to get rid of it.”

“I feel sick to my stomach,” said Port St. Lucie shopper Doris Zifffel. “I’ve been drinking Papa D’s for years, and I’ve given that juice to my son Arnold since he was a baby. Maybe that explains why he was so ‘regular.’ I hope it didn’t hurt his little insides.”

Douglass was a local hero in his day. He supported the community by funding schools, hospitals and various charities. If Douglass endorsed you, you were a member of the ‘in’ crowd. Now, people can’t distance themselves from the family fast enough.

According to inside sources, the city of Port St. Lucie is now terminating all business dealings connected with the Douglass name. “It’s going to be a long process,” said the insider. “The orange juice facility was just shut down. The paper mill will probably take a hit. Just about everything in town has the ‘Douglass’ stamp on it in one way or another. It’s a huge mess.”

Calls to the Douglass household were answered by a maid who identified herself as ‘Consuela.’ When asked to provide a comment she said, “No, no, Mr. Douglass – not at home now.”

Body of Union Leader Jimmy Hoffa Discovered In Nashville

Posted on October 16, 2014 by carriesnotscary

NASHVILLE, Tennessee –

Investigators have officially identified the remains of bones that were discovered buried under the lawn surrounding Nashville’s replica of the Parthenon as that of Jimmy Hoffa, the Teamsters Union president who mysteriously disappeared in 1975.

“They’re not exactly bones that we found,” said Detective Evan Hoodunett. “We found parts – lots of tiny, chopped parts of bones. This guy didn’t go easy. I haven’t even seen something this bad in a mafia movie, let alone the hundreds of real mafia murder crimes I’ve witnessed or researched.”

For decades, the whereabouts of Hoffa’s remains were an unknown, and were widely speculated and discussed. Most theorists were certain he was kidnapped and murdered by the mafia, who at the time were a large part of the Teamsters and worker’s unions across the country. It had been speculated that they drove Hoffa to New Jersey, Florida, or Georgia and hid his body. Some were certain his remains were somewhere in Detroit, not far from where he was last seen outside the restaurant Machus Red Fox.

Yet still other, more bizarre theories exist. In researching this article, it was discovered that there are at least three people on the Internet who claim that the Coen brothers got their wood chipper scene idea in the well-known film Fargo from first-hand knowledge of, and involvement in, Hoffa’s death. No explanation was given as to why, or how, that would even be possible.

“Yeah, it takes all kinds of guesses, theories, and weirdos to really keep a story like this alive for the better part of 40 years,” said Hoodunett. “I’d honestly be surprised if someone hadn’t said that Hoffa was abducted by aliens or something, by this point. There were just so many crazies out there with their arm-chair detective skills.”

As far-fetched as the Hoffa theories got, absolutely no one predicted Nashville’s Parthenon as a possibility.

“These wise guys, or, er – I mean, whoever it might have been that did him in, really did an impressive job,” said Hoodunett. “Not only did they get away with murdering a prominent public figure of that time, but they left the entire lawn where they buried his chopped up body parts spotless. We never looked here before the tip, because it was totally clean and completely random, a location that had absolutely no connection to the victim or suspects. It’s like, having red wine with burritos. Who does that?”

Family and friends of Hoffa are uneasy now that they know for certain the details of the brutality of his murder, though a select few commented that they were relieved now that they know he “got what he deserved.” Hoffa had been declared dead in absentia in 1982.

Pres. Obama Orders Millions Of ‘Disposable Coffins’ In Anticipation of Ebola Deaths

Posted on October 15, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Despite claims from the CDC and other health organizations that the American people are safe from being infected with the very-deadly Ebola virus, President Obama has been secretly stock-piling over $65 million dollars worth of ‘disposable coffins,’ or plastic bins in which people can be contained and buried in the wake of an Ebola epidemic.

The coffins, which were discovered by a pilot in Madison, Georgia, are estimated to be numbered in the millions, a scary thought for a country already panicked by the idea of a deadly virus in their midst.

“I was out flying one day, and I happened over into Madison, just sight-seeing,” said Joseph Goldsmith. “I live in Covington, not too far away from Madison. Over there we got the Vantage Products company, and they already make heavy-duty casket liners for folks who are worried about being eaten alive once they’re dead, for some reason. Anyway, I happened to notice a handful of Vantage trucks pulling into a giant, gated area while I was flying over Madison. There were hundreds of thousands of large, plastic coffins. I turned around and flew the hell home fast. It was unnerving.”

An employee for Vantage Products, who asked not to be named, said that it was true that a large order of pre-fabricated plastic coffins, normally used as liners but specially designed to be used to hold actual remains, had come from someone at the White House.

“The President himself doesn’t sign the check, of course,” said the anonymous employee. “But I can tell you that the order is large, in the millions of dollars and in the tens of millions of actual product. They are preparing for an epidemic of monstrous proportions. It’s clear to me that they know something we don’t.”

Representatives from the White House refused to comment. Health officials from the Center For Disease Control maintain there is nothing to worry about, and that Ebola, although deadly, is very difficult to contract, and it has not, as some conspiracy theorists believe, become an airborne illness.