Cop Who Threw Student To Floor In Classroom Commended For Not Shooting Teen

Posted on November 4, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

COLUMBIA, South Carolina –

According to a statement released by the Columbia, SC police department, Officer Ben Fields, the officer who drew national attention for a viral video that showed him slamming a female African-American teen to the floor in a classroom dispute, has been commended and rewarded with a promotion for his “keen use” of police and law enforcement skills in a difficult situation.

“The Columbia Police Department is pleased to offer our congratulations to officer Ben Fields, who resisted the obvious temptation of using his service revolver in what would have been the ideal situation, and instead defused a situation non-violently,” said Police Chief Rick Stuart. “We are extremely happy to announce that officer Fields has been promoted to a new position within the department, so we’d like to congratulate deputy detective Ben Fields.”

Officer Fields was initially put on leave after the altercation went viral, but investigation by police into the incident and the video proved that Fields was in the clear.

“Officer Fields could have rightly chose to use deadly force against this black student, as she was causing problems in class, and had been told to leave,” said Stuart. “Although easily justified if Fields has pulled his weapon, he chose to end the manner in a non-violent way, and was able to not only clear the classroom of any further disruption, he did it with no injuries to himself or any fellow law enforcement. It was the perfect arrest, and we are extremely proud of our officer’s actions.”

Hydrox To Sue Oreo Over Copyright Infringement, Claims Company Copied Their Cookies

Posted on October 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Hydrox, the cookie company that’s flagship product is the black, chocolate cookie with the white creme center, was invented in 1908, and was originally made by the Sunshine Cookie Company. Almost 5 years later, in 1912, Oreo was invented, and despite ripping off Hydrox completely, the company went on to be the bigger seller, convincing the world that Hydrox was the “generic” or rip-off company.

Papers filed today in the Massachusetts courts prove that Hydrox is finally stepping up to the cookie plate, as it were, as they plan to sure the Oreo Cookie company for copyright infringement and design theft.

“Hydrox has been making our cookies since the dawn of the 20th century,” said Hydrox spokesman Roy Charles. “Oreo has as well, but we were still first. It’s taken us a long time to get to this point, but we just needed time to build our case. Now is the time.”

Charles says that Hydrox is prepared to sue Oreo for $4.5 million, which is equivalent to only one year’s grosses of Oreo’s cookie empire.

“They have had over 100 years worth of sales, and every one of those hundred years, we took a beating,” said Charles. “We feel it’s time that Oreo put on their big-boy pants, pour a tall glass of milk, and admit they stole our cookie. The world needs to know that we were first and, frankly, we’re the better cookie.”

Representatives for Oreo could not be reached for comment.

Los Angeles County Plans To Decriminalize Rape, Assault; Hopes Move Will ‘Break Associated Stigmas’

Posted on October 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

In a first for the nation, the city of Los Angeles is seeking to remove the stigma surrounding rape by decriminalizing it. Lawmakers say they hope the move will not increase the rate of rape, but allow people to speak more freely about it.

“Because it has been a crime, people would not talk about rape,” said LA county commissioner Jerry Peck. “Women who were raped wouldn’t bring it up. Men who were rapists didn’t mention it to friends or colleagues. No one was talking about it. Rape was a dirty little secret. This new decriminalization will hopefully end the secrets.”

Los Angeles is the first city and county in the country to make move towards decriminalizing rape, but they aren’t stopping with only sexual assault.

“Assault in general is a crime to hide. Men would hit women, and then just claim they walked into doors,” said Peck. “It was sickening the things that go on behind closed doors. We are hoping that making sure it’s no longer a crime will allow people to open up about beatings and assaults.”

County legislature will vote on the issue on Monday. They are expected to pass the measure into law effective January 1st.

California Lawmakers Do Away With Speeding Tickets, Traffic Violations

Posted on October 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SACRAMENTO, California –

Some new laws in California will make driving a lot less complicated for motorists, and will give police a needed break from excessive ticket writing.

According to reports, lawmakers in the state have decided to abolish speeding tickets, allowing travelers to drive on highways at whatever speed they feel comfortable, which will allow police to spend less time creating speed traps on highways, and more time working on and solving real crimes.

“Aside from speeding tickets, we have also moved away from parking violations, including metered parking, occupying a handicapped space without a permit, and so forth,” said Joe Goldsmith, a California state legislature member. “This will free up our police force to work on more pressing crimes, such as rape, homicide, and murder.”

Police say that they are “thrilled” that they will no longer have to worry about ticketing speeding motorists.

“Every time you pull a car over for speeding, you’re risking your life,” said police chief Jerry Hyman. “You don’t know if that drive has a gun, is a wanted felon – he could kill you at any time. Thankfully, no more pulling people over means no more risking my life unnecessarily. Those drivers who speed out of control will take care of the problem themselves – by dying in a fiery wreck.”

The laws go into effect December 1st.

IRS Moves Tax Deadline To January 14th

Posted on October 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

If you’re one of those people who likes to wait until the last possible minute to file your taxes each year, 2016 may be the hardest year for you yet. According to an official statement released by the IRS this morning, the tax deadline for filing – which has long been April 15th, has been pushed back to January 14th.

“Each year, people complain about the long wait times in receiving a refund, and it really backs us up,” said IRS spokesman Mike Rotunda. “We’re trying to pay out at the same time as we’re taking in millions of tax forms. We decided to move the date, because this way, everyone can get their money in a timely fashion.”

Rotunda says that each year, more and more people were waiting until the deadline date to file, but would still complain about delays in receiving refunds. With the date being moved to January, it gives everyone two weeks from the new year to file, which Rotunda says will help to get refunds into people’s hands months earlier.

“In the previous model, if you filed on, say, April 1st, you wouldn’t get your money until sometime in May, usually,” said Rotunda. “Now that everyone will be forced to file by January 14th, you’ll get your money by February, and that’s a win-win.”

Rotunda says that despite the claims of quicker payouts, 2016 will be a “trial year,” and that many people may not get their refunds until July or August, while the agency “works out the kinks.”

Couple Arrested At Serta Mattress Store For Having Sex On Beds

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOISE, Idaho –

A young couple, Jeanne and Robert Maitland, were arrested Sunday afternoon after they were caught having sexual intercourse in public in a Serta mattress store.

According to police reports, the Maitlands were told that they were allowed to “test” the beds before purchasing, but that the couple took it way too far.

“They came in, and seemed like every other normal couple who are looking for a new mattress,” said store manager Mark Jacobs. “They tested a couple beds, laid down in a few, and asked if they could just talk it over, so I said ‘sure,’ and went to help another customer who had come in.”

It was when Jacobs walked away that the Maitlands apparently got very busy trying out the beds, reportedly stripping completely nude and fornicating in the middle of the display room.

“It was shocking, and more than a little erotic,” said customer Barry Windham, who was there with his wife of 40 years, Marlene. “I say, I didn’t expect to really be purchasing a mattress that day, but after I saw what the Serta Perfect Sleeper bed could withstand, I ordered one on the spot. Marlene and I will have a hell of a time trying to reenact what that couple was doing, but we’re sure as shit gonna try.”

Police say that the Maitlands are set to be arraigned later this week. They are being charged with felonious public display of nudity. Sentencing could get the couple up to 10 years each.

Idaho Becomes First State To Make Having Babies Out Of Wedlock A Crime

Posted on October 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOISE, Idaho –

Idaho lawmakers have become the first in the nation to make having a baby out of wedlock a crime, punishable by fines and jail time.

According to state representative Richard Marques, the bill was passed after a 25-2 vote, wherein any couple who becomes pregnant and delivers their baby before they are legally married could face penalties of up to $20,000 per child. Couples with twins, triplets, or more would be subject to that fine per child. Subsequent offenses could also mean arrest and prosecution.

“We want people to have babies. No one is saying that couple should not have children,” said representative Marques. “But, we do want those couples to be married, too. To provide a stable, loving home for the child. Everyone knows that babies born to unwed couples are more likely to later become criminals, drug-dealers, and rapists. We are just trying to slow those numbers down.”

When asked about how this would effect the levels of abortions in the state, Marques said that he didn’t think it would change anything.

“The amount of whores out there having abortions will stay the same, and the amount of precious, beautiful women who want to have babies will stay the same. The difference now, is, that the latter will be married women, and the former will still be whores,” said Marques. “I know I’d rather my daughter be married than be a harlot.”

Marques continued, saying that the law would apply to anyone – including women who were raped.

“We can’t prove they were raped. No one can. Maybe they got knocked up at a party, and they cried rape later. Happens every day. In fact, that happens more than actual rape,” said Marques. “Now, the woman who wants to keep her ‘rape baby’ will just either have to marry her alleged rapist, or she will have to find some other man to marry quickly. It will all work out.”

Marques says the law goes into effect on January 1st. Women who are currently pregnant and due after that date, but who are currently unmarried, will have to be wed before the law goes into effect, or risk fines.

Feds Swarm Idaho Town After Discovering Baby Prostitution Ring

Posted on September 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WOOSTERVILLE, Idaho –

A small town in Idaho has been inundated with federal agents after it was discovered that several people in the town were running a prostitution ring made up of babies, with the youngest reportedly being only 6 days old.

“We received an anonymous tip that several newborns in Woosterville were selling themselves, by the hour, for the purpose of sexual intercourse,” said federal investigator Joe Goldsmith. “We began our investigation last month, and were able to gather enough evidence to arrest 6 babies.”

According to Goldsmith, the children arrested were all extremely young babies, and were fetching upwards of $5,000 per hour for sexual intercourse.

“It’s honestly one of the most disgusting crimes I’ve ever seen,” said Goldsmith. “We collected over $2 million in cash, as well as a stockpile of nearly 2,000 diapers, gallons of formula, and more. Apparently, these babies were providing strangers with not only a sexual outlet, but also with all the things necessary to make sure they were comfortable. These were not bottom-barrel baby prostitutes.”

Police say that there may be very little to hold the accused on, though, as they say that all the babies consented to the acts.

“Most of the babies, when asked if they would be okay with having sex for money, had nothing negative to say,” said Goldsmith. “We all know that not saying no automatically means yes, so for these babies in particular, there may be very little we can do to keep them off the streets and in their own cribs.”

Investigators say that each parent could face up to 180 days in prison for allowing their babies to be used for sex.

“Sadly, most of them have the solid argument about the baby not saying no,” said Goldsmith. “It’s a win for us for now, getting these babies out of the hands of the parents, but with good lawyers who know to ‘keep the laws off baby bodies,’ they’ll all have their kids back within the week, and God only knows what things will happen.”

New Hampshire Becomes First State To Legalize Tattooing of Infants Following Russian Viral Trend

Posted on September 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

After several viral videos and images hit the web of Russian babies being tattooed, state legislators in New Hampshire have agreed that the trend is a positive one, and have agreed to allow parents to begin having their babies inked in the Granite State.

“Parents have been modifying their babies for years, from circumcision to ear piercing, no one has ever said that we, as a culture, have ever had an issue with changing our baby’s appearance for our own benefit,” said New Hampshire state representative Mary Lambert. “I pierced my daughter’s ears when she was only 4 months old. Had tattooing her been legal then, I would have done that as well.”

Lambert says that although the state has agreed to allow parents to have their babies tattooed, it still must be done in a licensed, professional shop.

“There is already an epidemic of tattoo ‘scratchers’ who buy these cheap, Chinese tattoo machines on the internet, and obtain disguting, non-FDA approved ink and tattoo others from their home,” said Lambert. “This included, previously, people who were under 18 getting nasty, homemade tattoos on a regular basis. We feel this law will help to curb that behavior, as it allows anyone of any age to get tattoos as long as a parent signs a consent form.”

Several other states have reported that they are keeping a “close eye” on any issues encountered by New Hampshire as the state becomes the first in the nation to allow tattooing of anyone, of any age.

Teen Burns Down House To Avoid Doing Dishes

Posted on September 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BANGOR, Maine –

A 13-year-old teen was arrested for arson Wednesday evening after reportedly burning down the family house to avoid doing the dishes, says the Bangor Monthly News. According to police reports, Joshua Blackwell was arrested after the family’s cape-style home was left in a rubble from a horrific fire.

“I asked Josh to do the dishes before his father and I left for the movies,” said Marsha Blackwell, 44. “Normally that’s not a chore I’d ask him to do, but Greg [Blackwell, Joshua’s father] and I were in a rush. The new Maze Runner movie is out, and we wanted to make the 7:15 show.”

“I never have to do the fucking dishes,” said Joshua during the police interrogation. “That’s a woman’s job. My job is to normally just take out the trash, and I even hate doing that. When my bitch mother said I needed to do the dishes, I got pissed. They didn’t even ask if I wanted to go to the movies, they just left me to scrub all those fucking pots. They deserved this.”

Police say that Joshua Blackwell faces up to 2 years in a juvenile facility if convicted of first-degree arson. A court appointed lawyer for Joshua says that he believes that the boy will be allowed to go free, though, based on the rarely-used tactic of temporary insanity.

“Yes, I think I can get Joshua off from this crime, simply because he was asked to do the dishes, and he strongly believes that’s a woman’s job,” said lawyer Marcus Patton, Esq. “You see, because he has such strongly held convictions, his mother asking him to do such a emasculating job triggered something in him that caused this violent outburst, and he burned down their home.”

“I don’t care how any of this turns out,” said Marsha Blackwell. “All I know is that when Joshua gets home from prison, he’s grounded for a week…and definitely no TV for him!”