John Lennon’s Killer Released From Prison After Shocking Reversal By Parole Board

Posted on August 23, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

ALDEN, New York –

On Wednesday, the New York Parole Board denied the parole of Mark David Chapman for the eighth time for the 1980 murder of music icon and former Beatles member John Lennon. Early this morning, in an unprecedented move, the board decided to reverse their decision, and in a shocking turn of events and subsequently granted Chapman parole effective immediately. The decision came after an impromptu meeting was called by unnamed government official who chastised the parole board for showing “poor judgement” and “holding a celebrity in a higher standard than that of the average American citizen,” New York corrections officials said.

New York Corrections spokesperson Glenn Abernathy told the Associated Press in a brief statement the reasons for the reversal.

“After further consideration, we decided to grant Mr. Chapman parole. It was made clear to us by outside forces that the murder of a celebrity should not mean a longer sentence than what is typically given. In 2013, a total of 116 inmates who were found guilty of murder were released from prison after serving less than a 10-year sentence. Mr. Chapman has served nearly 33 years, more than 3-times that amount. Also, he was cleared as mentally competent many years ago, meaning that there was no reason to deny his parole in the first place.” said Abernathy. “[Chapman] said after his initial arrest that he had plans to murder Johnny Carson, Elizabeth Taylor, Walter Cronkite, Marlon Brando, and Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, and that John Lennon was just the easiest to find. Well, everyone else he planned to kill is dead now anyway, so it was decided that he was no longer a threat to anyone else.”

“The parole board are made up of old fogies,” said Jerome David, a self-professed ‘super-fan’ of Chapman. “They denied him parole at every opportunity because they were fans of Lennon, of the Beatles, growing up. So they look at him, and they see someone who helped destroy their youth. That isn’t fair to [Chapman]. He deserves to be freed just like every other murderer they set free. The Beatles are a forgotten memory, anyway. Who really cares about them or John Lennon anymore? It’s not the 60s. Personally, I’ll be waiting at the gates to wave as they drive [Chapman] out!”

According to Abernathy, there was a decision made by the federal court system, calling the meeting with the purpose of reviewing the decision handed down on Wednesday by the parole board. It was then declared that the parole board did not have legitimate reasoning in denying the parole. The main issue discussed in the 3-hour meeting cited the fact that celebrities should not be given special treatment when the United States judicial system is involved, whether they are criminally involved or the victim.

“The United States average sentence for convicted murderers is between 13 and 16 years,” Abernathy told the New York Associated Press. “Chapman was sentenced to twenty-years to life in 1981, with a stipulation that mental health treatment be provided. “Mr. Chapman initially did not want to be released, due to his comfort within the system. However, at approximately 6:30 am this morning, he was given $200 cash and his copy of the book Catcher In The Rye, which he had when he was caught at the scene of the murder, and was given instructions to move into a half-way housing unit, which at this time will not be named.”

In an interview earlier this week, Chapman told ABC News that if released he would try to stay, anyway. “I’m so bonded that I could probably assure you that, if released, I’d probably stay right where I’m at,” Chapman said. “You know, once you stand on a rock for 20 years and feel the waves on you and you don’t go anywhere because you’re on a rock, you don’t want to move.”

Corrections officials at Wende Corrections Facility in Alden, New York, where Chapman was incarcerated, said that Chapman broke down in tears after being told of the parole board reversal. “He asked if he could please stay, he said he would work for free within the prison. When told he could not, under any circumstances voluntarily stay, he broke down and said his life was over,” said corrections officer Alex Jameson.

Chapman is set to be transported to the half-way house on Monday morning.

Two Westboro Baptist Church Members Arrested, Accused Of Child Molestation

Posted on August 22, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

TOPEKA, Kansas –

Two members of the infamous Westboro Baptist Church have been arrested on child molestation charges, according to Topeka Police Department spokesperson Michelle Somerville.

51-year-old Parker Eugene Williamson and his 38-year-old wife, Janelle Williamson, both reportedly members of the Westboro Baptist Church, were arrested and booked early this morning. Due to the nature of the arrest, details of the molestation charges have been sealed under court order by Shawnee County judge Herman Jacoby. However, Somerville was able to share with the media that the couple were also facing charges of drug possession, animal cruelty, and resisting arrest.

“A warrant was issued to search the Williamson residence. Inside police discovered a bedroom in the house had been chained and padlocked from the outside. I can tell you that there was a child, the couples only son, and three neglected, malnourished dogs, no other details about what was uncovered in that room cannot be disclosed at this time,” Somerville said. “Of course, they also had a room filled with ridiculous, nonsensical signs they use when picketing. I think that’s a prerequisite for these people.”

The arrests took place just days after the church announced plans to picket the funeral of famed actor and comedian Robin Williams. Westboro Baptist Church members are known for their picketing of United States soldiers who have died in battle, celebrities, and mostly for their extreme anti-gay standing. Thankfully, they were not aware that Williams had requested cremation, and his ashes were scattered quietly without incident from the Church.

Shirley Phelps-Roper, the daughter of deceased WBC founder Fred Phelps, was reached by telephone shortly after the arrests were made, and she blatantly refused comment on the matter, claiming she didn’t know the Williamsons, and that anyone who asked would surely ‘burn in hell like all the other fag enablers.’

Due to the anti-gay stance of the church, and their supposed technique of only using words and no violence, an organization named Planting Peace, who opposes the church and is located right across the street from their home, is planning to continue to raise money in the name of overpowering WBC’s hate by getting people to donate money to charitable causes.

Stanley Unser of Planting Peace had this to said that their organization said they would take donations for suicide prevention, in honor of Williams. “The WBC might not have been able to picket a funeral for a well-loved celebrity, but they planned it. They think these are good things. Death is good. They’re sickos.”

Westboro Baptist Church has become more of a laughing-stock to the public in over time, with internet hatred giving way to peaceful, almost comedic, public protest. Those people who oppose the church, which obviously includes almost every living person on the planet, have increasingly set out to make a mockery of Westboro, mocking their well-known signs and picketing right along with them. People have taken to making their own versions of the hateful signs, using such slogans as “God Hates Signs,” and “God, My Sharpies Are Drying Out” and posing along with church members, taking selfies to post on the internet.

“Based on the number of funny signs, memes, and images found on the internet, it seems that the WBC is losing ground,” says University of Kansas behavioral sciences professor Dr. Carmen Fiorucci. “It truly seems to be that society has always been sickened by the group, which in my opinion is a hate group, even though the White House would not label them as such, but nobody is taking them seriously anymore. They make signs with hateful messages on them, that is their only form of spreading their gospel, which is really just bull—-, and it’s not spreading anymore. They have become a joke to society. The kids making signs to mock them and pose in front of them for photos, and good for them! It shows these loons have been defeated. If these members are proven to have committed the crimes which have been alleged, the burning of the church has begun, you can count on that.”

Somerville stated that the investigating of alleged crimes is being handled with the ‘utmost diligence,’ and details will be released at the proper time.

Breastfeeding Activists Plan ‘Bare Breasts At Work Day’

Posted on August 21, 2014 by mike the inkman

SEATTLE, Washington –

There have been many news stories as of late regarding public breastfeeding, and the issues that arise when mothers are caught feeding their children in view of others. Many people feel that breastfeeding is a natural act and should be allowed and respected in any forum, while others are of the opinion that breastfeeding should be done in a more private setting.

With all the attention as of late, one public breastfeeding activist group has decided that it is time to take a stand. Patricia Oseland, president of ‘Mommy’s Milk’, a national public breastfeeding awareness group based in Seattle, Washington, has called her members into action. The women of the group are staging a ‘Bare Your Breasts At Work Day’.

“The idea is simple,” Oseland said in a Youtube video that already has over one million views. “Breasts are a mother’s way of feeding her children, but they have been sexualized by men, and we are forced to cover them up. ‘Bare Your Breasts At Work Day’ is our chance to take back our breasts from the perverts in society and use them in the way they were intended to be used – as a source of nutrition for our offspring.

“On Monday, September twenty-second, I ask all of you to bare your breasts at your job. If you are not employed, go shopping, go to the zoo with the kids, go anywhere; but whatever you do, do it with bare breasts. The goal, no, the calling, of ‘Mommy’s Milk’ is to escape the stigma of our sexualized bodies and normalize the sight of bare breasts in public. We realize that we will not receive a positive reaction from everyone regarding our decision, but we do not care. We will not abandon our ideals. We will not be defeated. We will never give up. Breasts will be a normal part of our everyday lives once again.”

Supporters of public breastfeeding are voicing their support, and thousands of women have committed themselves to the cause. Youtube user Hippychik69 expressed her support in the video’s comments.

“I am not a mother, but I am lending my breasts to your cause. I will be working topless. I hope many more join us. We can make a difference ladies!”

On the other side of the coin, there are many people who feel that the move goes beyond activism and is more pornographic than it is educational. Madeline Smith, a mother of four and grandmother of seven doesn’t feel like the event is going to have any positive effect on public opinion regarding breastfeeding.

“I’ve been on this Earth for seventy-three years. I know people. You don’t sway others to your cause by forcing your beliefs down their throats. All that will happen here is that the opposition will grow more militant and set in their ways. If these women want to look like cheap floozies all day and lose their jobs in the process, that’s fine, but it won’t do anything but make them look stupid.”

‘Bare Your Breasts At Work Day’ has plenty of support from young mothers, but seems to be most popular with males age thirteen to forty-nine. Mark Harmon, a sophomore at Seattle Community College, says he is ‘pretty excited’ about the whole thing.

“Personally, I don’t care what they are ‘raising awareness’ for.” Harmon told a Seattle reporter. “If they want to take their shirts off, I am going to enjoy every minute of it. I’m not going to lie, it’s certainly going to ‘raise a little awareness’ in me, if you know what I mean.”

Seattle authorities, along with other police forces in other cities, have promised indecent exposure arrests if ‘Mommy’s Milk’ does not call off their demonstration. Seattle Police Chief Kathleen O’Toole is not amused by the movement.

“I am a mother, and I support breastfeeding, but this is taking things too far. If my officers see you in public with exposed breasts, you WILL go to jail, and your babies will be drinking formula for awhile.”

Troop Leader in Custody After Using Girls Scouts as Drug Mules

Posted on August 19, 2014 by JP

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania –

A Philadelphia women is under arrest after admitting to using a group of girls to help her sell and traffic drugs. The woman, Marlene Jacobs, 44, was a camp leader for a local chapter of the Girl Scouts and had allegedly been filling cookie boxes with assortments of drugs, and using the girls to deliver them to her customers.

Police say that Jacobs had been placing cocaine and prescription pills into certain boxes of Girl Scout Cookies, then making sure that the girls delivered them to a designated address. Jacobs would mark the boxes with a sticker, and had been running her scheme for the last 4 years.

“We didn’t know anything about what was in the cookie boxes,” said Michelle Hall, 11. “We always thought it was funny that we’d drop off cookies and get big bags of money. Other troops were only getting a few dollars a box. I was getting over $100 sometimes. I just thought Ms. Jacobs was a good pre-seller.”

“None of us parents had any idea this was going on, that our children were being used as drug mules,” said Karen Driver, a mother of one of the girls Jacobs’ had used to sell drugs. “It’s disgusting that she would do such a thing. I mean heck, the cookies themselves are already like a drug. Have you tried Samoas? Oh my God.”

The entire scheme failed after one of the girls accidentally sold a box with prescription pills inside to a police officer. According to reports, the box either never received a sticker, or the sticker fell off, and it was delivered by mistake.

“We were never supposed to deliver boxes with stickers to anyone who didn’t pre-order them through Ms. Jacobs,” said Hall. “She must have forgotten and gave me the wrong box, and that’s the one I gave to the policeman.”

“For a moment I thought maybe I won some type of prize or something, but when I realized what was in the cookie box I was blown away,” said police officer Martin Lovell. “I immediately tracked down the girl who had sold them to me, and questioned where she had gotten the cookies. After a bit of conversation, it was clear the boxes were rationed to all the girls by their troop leader.”

Jacobs is now awaiting her court date. If convicted, she could face up to 15 years in prison.

“Thankfully, the fact that box contained cocaine didn’t taint the cookies at all,” said Lovell. “My Thin Mints were still delicious, as always!”

‘Super Crack’: Ex-CIA Agent Reveals Government Plan To Release New Drug Into Inner-Cities

Posted on August 19, 2014 by mike the inkman

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Earlier this week, a defector from the CIA released thousands of documents regarding the Agency’s involvement in drug-smuggling, extortion, and murder. There are ledgers, account numbers, signed directives, and all manner of incriminating evidence irrevocably linking CIA agents to hundreds of major felonies; but that’s not the worst part. The defector, one William Kingsley, has released the outline of a new plot to release an even more powerful drug into our nations cities.

There have long been conspiracy theories regarding the introduction of crack cocaine into American inner-cities by the Central Intelligence Agency. The ‘tin-foil hat’ crowd has always been convinced that Contras and independent contractors flew cocaine-laden planes into the airport at Mena, Arkansas, under the supervision of Colonel Oliver North; and with the cooperation of then-Governor of Arkansas, Bill Clinton. According to stories and reports by ghosts and dead men, the cocaine was then sold to finance black operations undertaken by the CIA. Coups were staged with drug profits, revolutions were initiated with blood money. It was a dirty, risky business, and many lives were lost or ruined in the process. At least, that’s what the Infowars set would have you believe. Most logical people dismissed the whole thing as the delusions of madmen; at least that is, until now.

Agent Kingsley, a West Point graduate and former intelligence officer, spent thirty years building a career as a high-level analyst in the Central Intelligence Agency, and no one is sure exactly why he chose to leave it all behind. The CIA is working hard to dismiss and discredit Kingsley as an extremist, but extremist or no, there is no disputing the credibility of the information he has released thus far. In his latest release of information via prepared statement, posted on various social networks and forums, Kingsley outlined the plan to release the new drug.

“The CIA has developed a new drug which gives the euphoric rush of cocaine, has the addictive qualities of heroin, with little risk of overdose. It is easily and cheaply produced, but requires listed chemicals and complex laboratory equipment. The goal was to keep costs down while making the drug nearly impossible to manufacture on the streets. After months of formulations, they hit the nail on the head. The Agency has not given the drug an official name, but for the time being, it is being referred to as ‘super crack’. The drug will be produced in several forms, to target the various types of users.”

The formula released by Kingsley has been tested by independent chemists and confirmed to be highly narcotic, and dangerously addictive. Dr Leo Marvin, a highly respected research pharmacist and organic chemist examined the formula and was shocked by its potency.

“This compound replicates dopamine and oxytocin at a rate that would nearly overwhelm the brain’s receptors. To return to baseline levels of those neurotransmitters after such an experience would no doubt render a person nearly suicidally depressed. A person addicted to a drug like this would be willing to pay any cost necessary to keep it in their system. The profit margin would be nearly unlimited,” Dr Marvin said, after his study of the compound.

Agent Kingsley asserts that the CIA plans to use the drug not only as a form of revenue, but also as a method of producing subservient and mindless zombies who can be controlled by manipulation of their addiction. He has provided pages of notes regarding the development of the drug and its possible uses.

“Imagine an army that doesn’t care about death or morality. That’s what the Agency wants. They are going to use this drug as a multiplier or a lever. A hit-man will kill a man for ten thousand dollars. A junkie will do it for a fix. For ten thousand dollars, they can make thousands of fixes. You do the math.”

Say Goodbye To Privacy: NSA To Share Personal Data With Employers Upon Request

Posted on August 18, 2014 by mike the inkman

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The National Security Agency, which has been under intense scrutiny since Edward Snowden spilled the beans about the level of personal information they collect, has announced a new information sharing program they hope will ingratiate them with businesses across America. NSA public relations liaison Michael Phillips explained the program in a press release.

“The focus of this program is for the NSA to express our gratitude to the businesses whose tax dollars support our operation. While our primary focus remains the gathering of intelligence for national security purposes, we collect a lot of information that is of no use to us, but would be of great use to employers. For instance, we can provide detailed records of your employees’ or prospective employees’ internet browsing habits, phone records, and in some cases, much more. Background checks and references only go so far. If you really need to know who you’re hiring, you can find out, and the NSA can help. All you need to take advantage of the program is a government-issued business tax ID number.”

While some companies are more than happy to take advantage of the program, others are afraid of the message it will send to their employees. Frank Vargas, owner of a large automotive paint distributor in Austin, Texas, expressed some of his concerns.

“Everybody wants to know about the people they associate with on a daily basis, but this seems a little extreme. Do we really want people to have that kind of access to our personal lives? Our thoughts? What scares me is, some people are going to love this, take full advantage of it. Is it really fair to deny people employment based on an off-color joke sent in a text? There are things people do and say in their private lives that have no bearing on on their job performance. Hell, I’m sure I’ve said something that might bar me from employment, but that’s my business. Maybe it’s time for us to re-evaluate who we have running our country.”

Other business owners are jumping on the surveillance bandwagon and not looking back. Steve Clemons, of Clemons and Son machining, thinks the program is great.

“I’m a Christian, and I run my business based on Christian values. I expect my employees to operate on the same moral level as I do. Since I joined the program, I have replaced seven employees. There was adultery, racism, and all manner of of immorality eating at the moral fabric of my company like a cancer. Thanks to the NSA, I was able to nip it in the bud, and hire some wholesome family men to replace the jerks I let go.”

“The whole process was really easy, too,” said Christopher Lewis, a restaurant owner from Chicago. “I filled out a couple forms with the information I already had on the employees I wanted to check up on, sent it in along with a check, and they sent me packets of information. The whole thing took about 2 weeks. They sent me emails, Facebook private messages, even text messages. They had it all. It really helped in deciding who to keep, and who to replace. It also helps when looking to hire someone new.”

Regardless of individual public position on surveillance, the era of privacy seems to be in its twilight years, and the NSA is helping to usher in a new age – at least for those who can afford to pay for secrecy.

Waitress Arrested After Throwing Plate, Hitting Toddler In The Face

Posted on August 17, 2014 by Angela Baker

PAWTUCKET, Rhode Island –

An unnamed 20-month-old was rushed to the hospital after taking a flying dinner plate to the face at a Rhode Island Applebee’s restaurant. According to witnesses, while busing a table, server Caitlin Jones, 22, was having a loud, heated argument with another server, she flung out her hand, throwing a plate down the aisle of customers. The dirty dish struck a young toddler, who was sitting in a booster seat at the end of a table, in the side of the face.

“It was horrible. I saw the plate come flying out of her hand like a Frisbee. It hit that poor baby, and there was this awful pause before she starting wailing,” said Shaniqua Jones, a patron who was seated in the next booth. “Poor little child, blood was running down her face and getting into her macaroni and cheese. The waitress looked horrified. She started crying and apologizing right away. I don’t think she meant to hit that baby, but it was her fault completely. The force she threw that plate with was like an Olympic discus champion. It was insane.”

Police were called, and Jones was arrested for criminal negligence and assault. She was released on $4,000 bail later that day. Jones insists it was ‘an accident,’ and that she didn’t mean to hurt anyone.

“It just slipped out of my hand, honest,” said Jones. “I didn’t chuck the plate at the baby. I was just mad at Denise because she has been talking s— about me behind my back at work, and we were arguing, and I just got so upset I whipped the plate, not even thinking.”

This isn’t the first time toddlers have been endangered at Applebee’s. In 2011, a mislabeled container caused a mix-up that led to a toddler being served alcohol instead of apple juice.

“Except for delicious family dining, no incidents have occurred at any Applebee’s establishment since the unfortunate booze/bottle mishap. At that time, we took additional measures to ensure the safety of our guests. Sadly, this type of horrible accident, regarding the baby being struck with a plate, is not something we could foresee,” said Johnathan Applebee, founder of Applebee’s restaurants. “We have started production on a training video, though, to educate our servers about the risks of negligent plate-throwing, and the dangers it can present. Unless guests want us to switch to paper plates, I think that’s the best can we do right now.”

The parents of the toddler say they do not blame, nor have any plans to sue the restaurant chain itself, but are possibly seeking damages from Jones for hospital bills for their baby. Regardless of pending civil action, they say they do plan to make sure that Jones is held responsible for her actions.

“That girl, she needs some serious help. Who throws a plate, honestly?” said the mother of the young child, who wishes to remain anonymous pending the possible civil action against Jones. “She’s very, very lucky that my daughter is going to be okay. She’s also very, very lucky I didn’t knock her out right there in the restaurant.”

“I am horribly sorry for what happened, and it isn’t the restaurant’s fault at all,” said Jones. “I know it was me. I maybe, sorta was drinking a lot the night before, and I was just in a bad mood. Frankly, life as a waitress is a living hell, you know? Trying to pretend to be happy all day when you’re serving microwaved steak that tastes a little too much like ass sweat? Ugh, it’s a real chore being me, you don’t even know.”

Applebee’s restaurants deny all culpability for the incident, and immediately fired Jones. The chain still hopes to “See You Tomorrow.”

‘Ice Bucket Challenge’ Becomes Banned In Missouri; You Won’t Believe The Reason Why

Posted on August 15, 2014 by Rab

KANSAS CITY, Missouri –

The “Ice Bucket Challenge,” a viral-video ploy to raise awareness for ALS, commonly known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease, has recently popped up all across the internet, prompting everyone to challenge their friends to dump ice water over their heads in lieu of, or in addition to, donating to the research to cure the deadly disease. Around the Missouri border it has gone viral at an exponential pace, prompting action from the city council.

“These people are dumping buckets of ice water on their heads, wasting millions of gallons per day,” Says Sly James, the Mayor of Kansas City. “It was great at first because donations were pouring in to local chapters for research on ALS, but after the first couple of days panic ensued for us representatives.”

James is referring to a serious environmental problem faced by the city in the last few weeks. “People are dumping five gallon buckets, 10 gallon buckets, and heck, even bucket loaders full of water on themselves, which would all be well and good, if we weren’t in the middle of a drought,” says Meteorologist Katie Horner. “We are experiencing one of the worst droughts in years, and wasting all this water when the whole point was to get people donating to a charity is asinine.”

Kansas City alone has lost water due to drought, enough so that more rural portions of the city are going without it, as well as the rest of the city having to ration their water. “Restaurants have shut down, people are not allowed to shower, a family of five is only rationed ten gallons of water every other day,” Says James. “These people need to realize that for all the positivity they are spreading by making ALS known, they are also devastating our ecosystem, which in recent years has become extremely fragile. There is always two sides to the coin.”

With no sign of stopping, people in Missouri have decided to stop using the tap and have gone to lakes and rivers to get their water, with equal detriment to the environment surrounding. “It goes without saying that people in general need to be a part of something,” says anthropologist Robert Layton. “It is unfortunate that in today’s social age they need to grasp on to internet, to notoriety or fame so much that they refuse to see what they are doing to their home town.”

“We had to put out a bulletin banning the ice bucket challenge,” Says James. “We just can’t have people potentially dying for no reason other than to get out of donating money to research. People should just make videos showing them donating. ‘ALS is a big deal, let’s take it out!’ and then fork over $10. That’s what the challenge was supposed to be about. Apparently somewhere along the line, people forgot the ‘donate’ part, and just started wasting water.”

Although the ‘challenge’ has brought in over $1 million more than the ALS foundation would have normally received by this time in years past, representatives for the foundation say that if people actually donated when they did the challenge, they’d have much more.

“Originally the challenge was someone nominates you, and you have 24 hours to either complete the challenge AND donate $10, or you would not complete the challenge at all, and you had to donate $100,” said Marsha Farmington, representative for the ALS foundation. “Yes, we’ve had people donate. Yes, we’ve had people donate more than $100, even. But I have to say, based on how many videos I see in my Facebook feed every day of people dumping buckets over their head, most people who do the challenge remember to film it, they remember to tag friends, and they remember to post it on the internet. The thing they forget is to donate the $10.”

Police Accidentally Fire Laughing Gas at Ferguson, MO Protesters

Posted on August 15, 2014 by DvanL

FERGUSON, Missouri –

Amidst rising tensions and violence stemming from the police shooting and subsequent death of unarmed African American teenager Michael Brown comes an unintended moment of unplanned and ill-timed levity.

Members of the Ferguson police department used incorrectly labeled canisters of nitrous oxide, more commonly known as ‘laughing gas’ against a crowd of demonstrators assembled for a peaceful protest.

At an evening press conference during the melee, Chief of police Thomas Jackson remarked, “In our haste to assess and control the situation and to clear the immediate and surrounding vicinity, several of our officers utilized the wrong supply of materials.”

Stifling a bout of laughter, Jackson continued, “They grabbed the … they grabbed the wrong cans!” After several minutes, Jackson regained his composure and continued. “Now is the time for law, order, and peace to return to our community. We ask for everyone’s cooperation.” Jackson hurriedly exited the press conference to assume command of the police operation, covering his mouth as he left.

Nitrous oxide is a sedative agent and its use is standard practice during dentistry procedures. Often, feelings of calm and light-headedness result from exposure to the gas, with some individuals expressing giddiness and euphoria.

The August 9^th shooting of an allegedly unarmed Michael Brown, 18, by police officer Darren Wilson under still-conflicting circumstances, has ignited a nationwide firestorm and initiated coast-to-coast discussions on issues involving race relations, militarization of local police departments, and questions of reasonable force when subduing and dispersing public gatherings.

Huffington Post reporter Gayle Jacobsen, an early online presence since the outbreak of the conflict struggled through her coverage of events:

This is the most … tragic and surreal … event that I have never … that I have ever been here to … excuse me a minute, my … my eyes are watering … This is the most water… I mean this is … the most excessive use of … the use of farce … no, I mean force … Oh, Jeez … let me start again … this is the most [unintelligible] … tonight’s level of gas is the worst one thing and … all the bystanders who were standing in the … by the … the gathering of the … gathering for the … the … [unintelligible]

Other eyewitnesses have reported seeing several officers dancing atop heavily armored vehicles and indiscriminately firing weapons into the air.

President Obama interrupted his vacation on Martha’s Vineyard to hold an impromptu press conference to comment on the situation and ask for calm, while Missouri Governor Jay Nixon appealed to religious leaders for peace.

NASCAR: Tony Stewart To Announce Retirement From Auto Racing After Accident That Kills Competing Driver

Posted on August 14, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina –

NASCAR Insiders Rusty Wallace and Darrell Waltrip have informed the Associated Press that three-time Sprint Cup Champion Tony Stewart will hold a press conference in the coming days, and is expected to announce his retirement from all auto racing activities, as well as announcing the sale of his half of his ownership of Stewart-Haas Racing. The announcement comes after Stewart tragically struck and killed fellow sprint car driver Kevin Ward, Jr.

“This was a tragic accident, one he just can’t get over. I talked with Tony yesterday and he made it clear, he is done with racing. I tried to suggest to him to take time off and think it over for a few months, he told me he has made up his mind and will announce soon. I hope he changes his mind, but it sure sounded like he meant it,” said former NASCAR champion and Hall of Fame member Rusty Wallace.

According to Waltrip, he talked to Stewart for hours the night after the accident and again two days ago, and he says Stewart has been grieving more and more after the initiative shock.

“The man hasn’t slept for days, this has rocked his world harder than anything he has ever had to deal with. He told me he could never effectively get back in a race car and drive. He can barely bring himself to drive his Ford Taurus to the supermarket and back without cringing. I expect an announcement in the next few days, he is just working on what he is going to say to the fans and most importantly the father of the victim, Kevin Ward, Sr.,” Waltrip told NASCAR reporter Nicole Briscoe via telephone interview last night.

Ward, 20, had climbed out of his Sprint car during a dirt race in Canadaigua, N.Y., and he walked toward Stewart’s car during a caution, and while gesturing to him was struck and killed by the car Stewart was driving. Ward was pronounced dead on his way to the hospital.

Several race fans who have watched the horrific video believe that Stewart’s aggressive racing nature caused the death of Ward, including Ward’s father.

“Tony Stewart was the best damn driver by far on the track that night. Why he had to go up as high as he did and hog my son, there’s no reason for it,” Ward Sr. told the Syracuse Post-Standard. “Apparently, he was the only driver on the track who didn’t see [my son.] The one person that knows what happened that night could possibly be facing 10 years in prison. Is he going to say what he’s done?”

Speaking to the Associated Press, Corey Rayburn Yung, a law professor, said that under New York State law, Stewart could very possibly be charged with manslaughter, even if there was no intent to strike Ward.

“The question over whether someone was reckless is a factual one, and one a prosecutor might let a jury decide,” Yung said. “So far, from what I’ve read, Stewart has cooperated with police. That does not mean that once this is all said and done, that they won’t find him at fault one way or the other.”

On whether Stewart will retire from racing, all signs point to yes given the sources. “There will for sure be a press conference in which Tony speaks for himself, I think he sees no other way around this,” said Waltrip. “It will indeed be a sad day for NASCAR.”

Stewart-Haas Racing has not commented on the rumor, and a representative for the team could neither confirm nor deny Stewart’s intentions.