Derek Jeter Cancels Retirement, Signs 3-Year Contract With Boston Red Sox

Posted on July 23, 2014 by JP

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

The franchise player Derek Jeter is sure to disappoint every New York Yankee fan in the world after deciding not to retire after this baseball season. One of their star players for years, Jeter has signed a multi-year deal with Yankees rival the Boston Red Sox.

According to sources, Boston has been eyeing the possibility of picking up Jeter since he announced he would retire after this year, his 20th season in the MLB. Reportedly, the deal will make him an additional $25 million a year for the 3 years of his contract.

Reports have confirmed that Jeter and his agents have agreed to the terms of the contract, and Jeter is signing on the dotted line Wednesday evening.

Rumors swirled across the league that the Red Sox sent Jeter an offer during the all-star break, but insiders say they didn’t believe that Jeter would be interested. After 20 years in baseball, the game has taken its toll on Jeter, and he reportedly was looking forward to giving up the game. Once Jeter’s lawyers got their hands on the contract, they persuaded him to take the deal.

“It was great to have Derek on the team and he has done a lot for this organization and will always be remembered for what he has down for this team,” said Yankees manager Joe Girardi. “I don’t know his exact future after this season, but he will not be playing in a Yankee uniform and never will again.”

Fans of both New York and Boston are vehemently against the signing. New York fans consider Jeter a traitor for signing with their biggest rival; Boston fans want nothing to do with the ‘face of the Yankees’ playing for their beloved team.

“The guy is a first-rate jerkoff,” said Burt O’Reilly, a Boston resident and a lifelong fan of the Red Sox. “He comes to our team, takes a wicked huge load of money, and he probably won’t do a damn thing for us. Screw Jeter. We don’t need him playing in Fenway.”

Players across the league have taken to social media to comment on the deal, with tweets being been made by several Yankees players, saying things like “Jeter made an A-Rod Move” and “Years of history will be ruined with one signature.”

So far, Jeter has not commented publicly on his deal. A request for comments from Jeter’s management team was not immediately returned.

Formula 1 Racer Decapitated After Violent Crash Flips Car

Posted on July 20, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOCKENHEIM, Germany –

Prominent Formula 1 racer Felipe Massa was killed in a crash during the German Grand Prix yesterday when his car became inverted in a horrific crash on the first corner almost immediately after the race began. He was killed instantly during the crash, the extremely poor design of the stock car causing his decapitation.

“It is with a heavy heart that we announce the passing of Felipe Massa in a crash during the Prix yesterday,” said Formula 1 representative Frederic Duerst. “Mr. Massa was a phenomenal driver who unfortunately perished competing in a sport that he loved, that he lived for. We pass our deepest sympathies on to his family, friends, and the rest of his team at Williams Engineering.”

Massa, who had grown up racing go-karts from the age of 8, became a world-class racer in his late teens, winning the European Grand Prix championship title when he was 19. He quickly worked his way up the ranks of racing, it finally being announced that he would join the Williams team alongside world-famous racer Valtteri Bottas.

The race, which was postponed for only a few hours following Massa’s death so his body could be moved and car towed away, was overshadowed by the horrific event. Teammate Bottas, who finished second in the race, was hoping for a victory.

“Felipe was one of the best drivers I’d ever seen, and he was a wonderful teammate and friend,” said Bottas. “He joined us in November of last year, and had a great future ahead of him in this sport. It’s a sad day for us, and a sad day for racing fans everywhere. That being said, though, I kicked some a– out there, huh? Second place? I’ll take it.”

Fans in the stands were both saddened and excited by the crash.

“Everyone comes to these races to see a good crash,” said Hans Uhl, a fan who follows the Mercedes team. “This crash was one of the most spectacular I’ve ever seen. Yes, a man was killed, but it was so cool to see [the car] flying through the air.”

Williams Engineering has said that they have plans to look over the entire vehicle to ensure it was not mechanical malfunction that caused the crash.

“We think it was just a bad day on the track,” said Williams Engineering spokesman David Black. “Formula 1 racing is a dangerous sport. They race in the worst-designed cars I’ve ever seen. Open tops, little restraints. Oh, and the helmets? My God, what’s the point? I’m surprised people aren’t dying out there every race.”

Massa will be interred at his home in São Paulo, Brazil. He was 33 years old.

Mixed Martial Arts To Become Banned in United States By 2015

Posted on July 17, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

James Lee Offerman, chairman of the Association of Boxing Commissions (ABC) announced on Thursday morning that under the urging of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, the U.S. Government is expected to pass a bill in 2015 which will make all Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) competition illegal in all 50 states.

“Under urging from the Obama administration and the DHHS, researchers and medical experts have studied diligently the last few years to investigate the dangers of MMA competition. The results complied have proven that the sport is far too dangerous to go forward in the United States. A decision we, the ABC, have ultimately approved.” said Offerman.

There have been four MMA related deaths since 2007, the latest being Booto Guylain, a Congolese fighter who died on March 5, 2014 following complications resulting from a head injury experienced during an MMA bout. It was the death of Tyrone Mimms, who died in South Carolina in 2012 following a MMA match, that prompted the Obama Administration to initially investigate the dangers of the extremely popular sport. After two years of studies and research, studies revealed that the most alarming statistic were to fighters who have suffered permanent brain damage during sparring and matches. The numbers were not released by the Department of Health and Human Services, just that the compilation of results were “beyond alarming.”

“The high-profile of modern MMA promotions such as UFC and Pride has fostered an accelerated development of the sport making it more and more dangerous in a short amount of time,” says sports medicine expert and neurosurgeon Dr. Zumbaka Ulygeno. “I have seen an alarming amount of life changing brain injuries in the past three years due to the sport of mixed martial arts, while it is exciting and is big business in the United States, it needs to be brought to an end.”

Dana White, President of MMA giant organization UFC was reportedly extremely angry about the reports, as well as the secretive nature of the investigation by the White House.

“This is ridiculous. You don’t see them trying to shut down the sport of football, and the last time I checked, even high school kids are killed almost every year playing. We will fight this,” said White. “This is just another attempt by the Obama Administration to rip another piece of freedom from the American public. We won’t stand for it. If we let them take this away from us, what’s next? Boxing? Baseball? Fried chicken? This is disturbing and infuriating to say the least.”

According to Offerman the ban has absolutely nothing to do with politics.

“We are here to protect the American public, and this is exactly what we are trying to do. Anyone blaming the Obama administration needs to look at the big picture,” explained Offerman during a press conference in Las Vegas. “The sport has run its course, the fighters are getting stronger and more dangerous, yet there is no superstar. It seems that the risk involved should no longer worth it to those who oversee the sport, and there is no shame in waving the white flag in surrender.”

“You clearly have not heard the last from MMA supporters, fighters, promoters, and the crazed, uninformed cult that follows our barbaric sport,” said White. “We need to stand up for the right to observe organized, violent sporting events. It’s what makes this country perfect in every way.”

MTV To Produce ‘Hunger Games’ Style Reality Show, ‘Con Stars’

Posted on June 24, 2014 by Jon of the Shred

DETROIT, Michigan –

In a bold move by the Federal Prison System to combat swelling overpopulations of their institutions, a real-life Hunger Games reality show has been launched by MTV in partnership with the Federal Justice Bureau. The show features violent criminals and convicts squaring off in an enclosed area of a major city, in a full-blown fight to the death. The winner of the contest is awarded freedom and a second chance at life. The show has been titled Con Stars.

Season 1 began pre-production last week in Detroit, scouting locations and filming exteriors. Future seasons will film in other urban and violent cities across the country. Based on buzz alone, season 2 has already secured a green light, and executives are rumored to be eying Camden, New Jersey as their next death ring.

The show is hoping to be a ratings smash, and execs are looking to at least secure the number 2 slot, just behind the Walking Dead. TV analysts suggest that the show will set a new precedent for Reality TV – while mind-numbing stupidity used to suffice, with shows such as Jersey Shore and Honey Boo-Boo running the ratings, Con Stars hopes to knock them out of the park.

Before all the glitz and glamor of TV could begin, the show’s concept had to pass through the U.S. Congress first, the first show ever to be scrutinized by the government before airing. Members of Congress had to give the show the go-ahead, and the decision also had to have a Presidential seal of approval on it as well, as President Obama would be the one to sign the winner’s pardon, setting him free.

Curiously, there was little pushback from either the republicans or democrats on the actual content of the show, and both sides spent more time arguing whether The Hunger Games was a ripoff of Battle Royale or The Running Man. Ron Paul, who is generally ignored by the other members of congress, was the voice of reason throughout the hearing, stating that The Hunger Games was clearly a ripoff of Death Race 2000, the David Carradine film which pre-dates both Battle Royale and The Running Man.

“If you watch both of the Hunger Games films you’ll notice elements stolen from the Running Man and Battle Royale scattered throughout. Death Race 2000 came even before all those, and if you really break it down they’re all reminiscent of Gladiator fights in a modern setting. What makes Hunger Games plagiarism as opposed to tribute is the author denied knowledge of all those prior films and books. What does she think, we’re stupid?”

Congress agreed to let Viacom, parent company of MTV, produce the show with actual prisoners. All of the men selected will be at the discretion of the board of prisons in each state. As of this writing, the 30 contestants were being selected from institutions around the country, and filming is set to begin in August. The show will premiere on MTV and MTV2 in the channels’ winter lineup.

YouTube-Famous Daredevil Vitaly Raskalov Injured In Freak Accident

Posted on June 24, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

KYIY, Ukraine –

World-class daredevil and internet sensation Vitaly Raskalov was reportedly hospitalized for an injury he sustained at his home in Kyiy, Ukraine. Raskalov, who is famous for his YouTube videos of dangerous acts, like scaling skyscrapers, cranes, and buildings all over the world, apparently tripped while getting out of the shower, causing him to break his shoulder.

“It’s really silly, honestly.” Said Raskalov from his hospital bed. “But ya know, It happens to people all the time, doesn’t it? Why can’t it happen to me?”

There is a level of irony at Raskalov’s injury, as he has traveled the world risking life and limb climbing skyscrapers, buildings, and even the pyramids of Egypt.

Raskalov first rose to prominence as his YouTube videos showed him hanging from ledges hundreds of feet above the ground, walking along the rails of an abandoned roller coaster in Japan, or sneaking past security guards to gain access to restricted buildings. His extreme stunts have gotten him arrested and banned from multiple countries, including Egypt for the pyramid climb, and Russia for multiple stunts.

Doctors say that Raskalov will be back illegally climbing buildings by the end of the summer, assuming his shoulder heals properly. Thankfully, they say, he is in such great athletic shape, that his physical therapy should be minimal.

“This is an amazing kid, and what he does is…well, it makes me palms sweat when I see the videos.” Said Dr. Victor Marshen, Raskalov’s doctor. “He’s truly talented, and probably just a little past crazy.”

Raskalov has said that he still has several hours of video footage recorded, so his YouTube channel will continue to have new content, and that he plans on traveling to the US in the fall with hopes of climbing the Empire State building.

Brad Pitt to Attacker Vitalii Sediuk: “I’ll Pay Your Bail If You’ll Fight Chuck Liddell”

Posted on June 5, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Brad Pitt was assaulted at the premiere of his wife Angelia Jolie’s new film Maleficent early last week by self-proclaimed celebrity “prankster” Vitalii Sediuk. Sediuk apparently made it past security and hit Pitt in the face while he was signing autographs for fans.

The scuffle was apparently short lived, as private security instantly restrained Sediuk until police arrived, where they arrested and charged him with assault. Pitt initially filed an emergency restraining order on Sediuk, but then rescinded the order when Pitt’s longtime friend, MMA legend Chuck Liddell, offered to “put a pounding” to Sediuk for him.

Although no official announcement has been made, so far what is known is that the fight will take place in Las Vegas, and that assuming all legal channels can be cleared in time, it would be set for the second week in June. Pitt was quoted as saying he thought it was a “wonderful idea,” and offered to pay Sediuk’s $20,000 bail if Sediuk would agree to take the fight with Liddell.

“This entire thing would be legit, all legal. We’re not talking about me, you know, sicking my extremely well-trained, badass friend onto some loser.” Said Pitt. “[And] Sediuk may be a loser, but this will still turn out okay. We plan to turn this all around and create a charity event, a charity fight. I want Sediuk to get his ass kicked by Chuck, and I’m going to take all the money we make from it and give it to starving and orphaned children around the world.”

Pitt and Liddell met several years ago when Liddell was hired as a fight coordinator for the film Kick Ass, which Pitt’s company Plan B Entertainment produced. Reportedly, as soon as Liddell heard about the attack, he called Pitt to pitch him the idea.

“I normally don’t get involved in things like this.” Said Liddell. “But Brad is a friend. Angelina, the kids – they’re good people. This guy is a jerkoff who thinks he is some sort of prankster, some sort of hotshot. I’ve beaten the hell out of a lot of hotshots in my day. Retired or not, I can always add one more.”

Because Sediuk has a history of altercations with other celebrities in Hollywood, other stars including Leonardo DiCaprio and Will Smith are also lending their support to Pitt. Both DiCaprio and Smith have been victims of Sediuk’s antics in the past; DiCaprio had his crotch grabbed last year, and Sediuk grabbed Smith and tried to kiss him at the premiere of Men In Black 3.

As of this writing, Sediuk was still in jail in Los Angeles awaiting a court hearing. His lawyers have brought him all relevant information on the fight, and sources say that Sediuk is willing to participate.

Joe Rogan To Fight In The UFC

Posted on June 2, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

LAS VEGAS, Nevada–

One of the favorites in the UFC community is stepping away from the microphone and heading into the octagon. According to sources within the UFC, Joe Rogan will be taking center stage in an upcoming UFC bout.

According to Rogan, the fight was scheduled due to a challenge by an un-named fighter.

“Basically, this fighter called me a bitch and said I wouldn’t step in to the ring,” said Rogan in an interview on Saturday afternoon. “So I convinced Dana [White] to let me fight and now I’m going to show this guy who the bitch is.”

Since the beginning of the UFC Rogan has been there in support, and even traveling with the organization before the company blew up. He cashed in a few favors with Dana White and now the fight is set to take center stage.

“There is a reason we have Joe on our team here in UFC, he isn’t just a personality, he is a great fighter with knowledge about the sport,” said White.

“I feel bad for the dude that called him out, because I promise Joe will knock the living shit out of him. He’s going to wish he challenged Joe in his other show Fear Factor rather than going into the octagon with him. I know I myself would rather eat a bull testicle then take a kick to the face from Rogan.”

Dana White has yet to make an official comment for the fight but it is expected that he will within the next week. A date for the event should be set sometime after.