Ray Rice Signs With Denver Broncos, Expected To Play As Soon As Contract Finalized

Posted on December 3, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

DENVER, Colorado –

Recently reinstated by the NFL after being indefinitely suspended for most of the season, Ray Rice has signed with the Denver Broncos and is expected to play immediately following finalization of the pending contract offer.

Head coach John Fox told the press earlier in a brief press conference that the team is excited, and that after seeing Rice run drills to perfection that he has every intention of using the troubled running back immediately.

“He looked fantastic is all the drills he ran. We put him in full gear and had him run some plays against our defense, and I tell ya what – he punched them right in the mouth, just knocked them out during every play. This guy is just raging, he wants on the field badly,” Fox said.

When asked about the controversy surrounding Rice, Fox said that he was ‘barely aware’ of the situation. “Look, he paid the price, I guess. Everybody deserves a second chance, and by God, you better believe we had every intention of taking advantage of the situation. Personally, I don’t care who he did or didn’t punch in the face, because he did it in the past. It is all about the future now. Hopefully his future doesn’t involve any more hits, at least off the field.”

Several NFL teams appeared publicly to be shunning the running back, but according to Rice’s agent, Robert Combs, that was not the case.

“Teams were working him out, but all in secret, because what team wants to deal with the backlash while not being sure if he would even be a part of their team in the end? Basically every team Ray worked out for, and several he didn’t, wanted to make a deal. We came to the undeniable conclusion that Denver was the best place to have a likely chance to win. It wasn’t all about money, he wanted to go some place he would feel accepted and that is highly respected,” Combs told the Associated Press. “I’m just glad that in the NFL it doesn’t matter if you run a dog fighting ring, drive drunk and kill someone, or savagely beat the shit out of your significant other, in the end, the fans and the league will forgive you – as long as you can play the game.”

Details of the pending contract offer have not been released, but Combs said that it is ‘done deal’ and that the legalities and paperwork just need to be finalized.

New Poll Shows 64% Of Men Enjoy Watching Ugly Chicks Getting Punched In The Face

Posted on November 24, 2014 by IamShado2

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

A new online poll has shown that at least 64% of men enjoy watching ugly chicks getting punched in the face repeatedly.

The poll is confirmed by the recent upward trend in popularity of women’s mixed martial arts within organizations such as the UFC and Strikeforce.

Research has shown that the uglier the woman, the more men want to see her get punched in the face. Fighters such as Gina Corano score big ratings when they get their faces punched in, but when you pit her with an even uglier Cris Cyborg, the rating go through the roof, as was seen during their 2009 match-up.

But the question is, why do men love seeing ugly chicks getting punched so much?

Dr. Joseph Goldsmith, a Sports Psychologist at John F. Kennedy University, says that he may have an answer.

“Come on, Seriously? Who WOULDN’T want to see an ugly chick get punched?” said Dr. Goldsmith. “I mean, you don’t have to be a psychologist to figure that out. Men love violence and they also hate looking at ugly things. When you go out to Taco Bell and there’s a fat chick stuffing her face with chalupas, don’t you want to punch her in her chubby little pig face? I know I do.”

NFL Admits Games, Off-Field Drama Are All Pre-Determined, Scripted Events

Posted on November 23, 2014 by JP

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

This season of NFL has not disappointed its fans, either on or off the field. There has been some incredible games played, and some very incredible drama following the franchise and players, but they have still been pulling in viewership numbers like never before.

It is because of the incredible ratings that they have been getting that it has finally been confirmed by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell that the reason why things have been so ‘dramatic’ lately, and the truth may be devastating to most football fans.

Goodell reveled in a press conference Saturday evening that the NFL has been lying to fans for years, as they have been secretly setting up all the games, creating off-field and media drama amongst players, and even going so far as to creating the illusion of long-term injuries for certain players.

“When we say that our athletes are playing the game, what we really mean is that they are playing our game,” said Goodell. “We’ve been manipulating everything. The games are pre-determined, and the players and coaches aren’t really calling the shots. Just like professional wrestling, we’re putting on a show, and for years, people have been tuning in to see what we’ll do next. Which team will win? Which player will beat down another? Which player will beat down his wife? It’s all about the ratings, and the stories created by our team of skilled writers.”

Goodell went on to also talk more about players and their personal lives, and how even getting certain people to agree to take legal heat outside the game in an effort to bring in more viewers.

“Now, I’m not saying that every little thing is a work. Michael Vick is certainly guilty of the dog fighting thing, but we do set up a lot of behind-the-scenes antics to keep people on the edge of their seats. There are bonuses structured for players who create a name for themselves in the media, whether it be good or bad. It doesn’t matter. In the end, they’ll get people watching.”

When asked why they were admitting only now, decades after the league began, that the games and media frenzy were all shams, Goodell said that he just felt the time was right.

“We’re hotter than we’ve ever been, and it just seems at this point it doesn’t matter what we do. Abuse allegations, cheating scandals, long-term and life-altering head injuries – it doesn’t matter. People still sit down with a bag of chips and a rack of beer every week, and watch our guys go to work. It doesn’t matter if the public knows we’re lying or not – they just want to be entertained.”

Bellator MMA To Produce Celebrity Fight Tournament Series For SpikeTV

Posted on November 23, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEWPORT BEACH, California –

Bellator MMA, the country’s second-largest mixed martial arts promotion, announced today that they would be putting together a celebrity tournament featuring some major names in Hollywood. They are hoping to use these fights to increase their television ratings, as well as bring more notice to their fighters and promotion as a whole.

Founder Bjorn Rebney started Bellator MMA in 2008 as the Bellator Fighting Championship (Bellator is latin for “warrior”) as a competitor to the uber-popular UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, which has been televising MMA fights since 1993. In the last several years, Bellator has slowly gained almost a cult-following of fans, who closely follow their 8-man tournaments, which are set up as a counter-action to the individual one-off fights presented by the UFC.

Rebney announced the new event from the company’s headquarters in Newport Beach, California.

“It is with great pleasure that I announce the new incarnation of Bellator MMA with our Celebrity Fights Tournament!” Said Rebney during his press conference. “We are very excited to work with our group of stars, to help train them, and get them ring-ready to beat the living hell out of each other.”

The announced celebrities that have already signed on the dotted line for the fights include Academy Award winning actors Matt Damon and Edward Norton, Danny DeVito, cult film director Kevin Smith, pop-star Justin Timberlake, pussy-boy Michael Cera, every woman’s masturbatory fantasy Channing Tatum, and for some bizarre reason, 90s rapper Coolio.

The tournament will take place in mid-January, and will be televised on SpikeTV in the U.S. and CTV in Canada. Bellator’s normal rules will apply, as each celebrity is paired off against another in an 8-man bi-weekly staggered tournament, which will be compromised of three, 5-minute rounds each. The winner will be given $100,000 for his favorite charity and, like any Bellator tournament winner, will be able to challenge current champion Vitaly Minakov of Russia. Minakov has been the Bellator heavyweight champion since November of 2013, and is expected to completely destroy any of the celebrities who may challenge him, especially Danny DeVito.

So far, a few of the celebrities have already been seen in gyms bulking up for their fight, including Edward Norton, who is looking to put back on all the American History X muscle and defeat Cera, who has been selected as his opponent for the first round.

“I know that I can beat him right to the ground. Who hasn’t wanted to punch Michael Cera in the face on more than one occasion? Jesus, did you guys see Year One? He deserves to be beaten into oblivion for making bad movies,” said Norton, apparently forgetting he starred in The Incredible Hulk.

Bellator MMA is said to already be seeking fighters for their next celebrity tournament, and has reportedly reached out to funny man Seth Rogen, Breaking Bad’s Bryan Cranston, and Star Wars creator George Lucas. So far, no one else has signed-on officially, but speculation is high that everyone will be on board.

Green Bay Packers Receivers Caught Using Battery Powered Gloves; Cobb, Nelson Face Lifetime Ban

Posted on November 16, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

National Football League commissioner Roger Goodell announced this morning that after an undercover investigation, significant evidence has been uncovered suggesting that Green Bay Packers wide receivers Randall Cobb and Jordy Nelson have used battery-powered, ‘performance enhancing’ gloves during games this season. “We have found proof of wrong-doing by at least two players, Nelson and Cobb. Both players are facing a lifetime ban from the NFL,” Goodell said.

The performance enhancing gloves, called BPG’s – short for ‘battery powered gloves’ – work by acting as a magnet when a leather football is thrown in a spiraling motion, creating a force of circular-bound energy, attracting the leather football toward the BPG’s and sticking to them, therefore giving the receiver an unfair advantage.

An inquiry was made by an anonymous source last month after a lopsided match against the Chicago Bears in late September. The source explained to NFL officials that they noticed that when a football was thrown to the receivers that they had difficulty pulling the football away from the gloves after the play, saying that they basically had to pry the ball away by putting a foot on the player’s chest and yanking it out of their hands. The NFL sent in a group of undercover agents who infiltrated the Packers locker room and gathered what they consider to be significant evidence.

Goodell went on to say that the NFL Board of Rules & Disciplinary Actions, which was just instated by the commissioner this football season, will meet and decide the fate of the Green Bay Packers and the players involved. “Obviously, wrong-doing has been discovered and it will be dealt with. It may be determined that the team will be banned from this season’s playoffs, and the players would most definitely be suspended indefinitely,” Goodell said.

Goodell will hold a news conference later this week in which he will explain in detail the wrong-doings which have been committed, as well as the actions which will be handed down for doing so.

Pee-Wee Football Coach Encourages Fathers To Bully Their Sons, Says ‘It Will Make Them Better Athletes’

Posted on November 15, 2014 by Chip

APPLEFORD, Alabama –

Pee Wee football coach Rick Daggil is in hot water with his Appleford, Alabama community after allegations surfaced that he encouraging his players father’s to bully their sons in order to make them better athletes.

The allegations came to light early last week when Helen Wickerman, the mother of 11-year-old Bobby Wickerman, spoke out against the coach.

“My husband, Derek, was being exceptionally cruel to our son over the last 2 months, ever since he started playing football. Initially I thought my husband was just stressed out about work and taking it out on Bobby, but after awhile I realized there was a far more sinister unfolding. After Derek made Bobby take a 30 minute bath in ice water as punishment when he left his backpack on the living room floor, I knew something was seriously wrong.”

Upon confronting her husband about his abusive behavior, Helen discovered that Derek had been told to bully their son Bobby by Daggil. Derek stood by the advice he received from Coach Daggil, and told his wife “Coach Daggil has been shaping young boys into powerful men since I was a zygote. Who am I to question his direction?”

After receiving several complaints from concerned mothers, Coach Daggil decided to use the outlets he has available and conducted an interview with a local high school’s online news publication.

Within the exclusive interview, Coach Daggil defended his coaching techniques and methods by saying “you will not turn a soft boy into a man by coddling him – if parents want their sons to have any chance of playing pro-ball they need to stop treating them with love and get in their face. I can damn well guarantee you right now that Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson, Jonathan Dwyer, and all the other greats aren’t getting a pro paycheck because their parents loved them too much. If a little hazing hurts their son’s precious self-esteem, well then that little bastard was never going to make it to the NFL anyway.”

Upon reading coach Daggil’s interview, several parents are considering pulling their son’s from his team. One father said “It’s just such a tough decision. On one hand, Coach Daggil’s coaching may cause lifelong damage for my son; on the other hand it may be his ticket to playing on the Crimson Tide field – which may also cause serious damage to my son. After all, we know the risks football players have of getting head injuries. But my God, those sweet NFL paychecks would put me in the best nursing home in the world. Like I said, it’s really a tough decision to make.”

Several mothers in the community are currently petitioning the city to revoke Daggil’s position.

NY Giants Football Team Name Protested by ‘Little People’

Posted on November 14, 2014 by Abe Abrams

EAST RUTHERFORD, New Jersey –

It may be hard to see and you may look over it, but if you tilt your head down what you will see are angry little people. Little people ranging from short to ridiculously short have been holding protest outside of the Giants’ home MetLife Stadium for the past week.

“We got the idea from Native Americans protesting the Redskins. If they can be offended, so can we,” said President of the Short and Proud Group Paul Learylocks. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Giants fan through and through, but the embarrassment I feel when I put on a jacket that says ‘Giants’ on the back, it hurts, not to mention the look of disappointment from my wife and kids.”

“He’s not the only one offended at the name Giants, just look around, we have had no less than 20 protesters here since Sunday,” said Short and Proud Group’s vice president, Neil Prescott. “The support we are getting through the mail and internet fills my huge heart with pride; this is more than just a protest, this is a movement. So far we have yet to hear from the NY Giants or the NFL, and this is the first anyone from the media has even asked why we were protesting. I’m sure any day now our little protest will start a media firestorm and the Giants will be forced to change their name. I’m also sure any day now Obama will stick his nose in where it doesn’t belong, just like he did with the Redskin protest. Me, personally, I think the name New York Leprechauns would be a name people of all sizes could be proud of.”

When asked about the protest, NY Giants general manager Jerry Reese seemed confused.

“What? I never even knew anyone had a problem with the name – it’s certainly news to me. Well, the hell with that. Football is a game meant for normal size people, anyway. You know what ”

Michael Vick Investigated In Suspected Cockfighting Ring

Posted on November 9, 2014 by Abe Abrams

GREENWAY, New Jersey –

Michael Vick and five others were taken into custody for questioning today as State Troopers and FBI agents raided the Vick estate in Greenway, New Jersey, breaking up was is thought to be the largest cockfighting ring in the North East. Betting notebooks, several cocks, and many stacks of cash were taken in as evidence.

“It’s all cool, it’s no big deal. I can understand why a few people got upset with the whole dog fighting thing, but this is nothing like that. I mean, it’s just cocks, it’s not serious,” said Vick as he was taken into custody. ”No cocks got wasted in this house. We’ve had plenty of cocks in and out around here – most of the cocks weren’t harmed, and all of the cocks gave everyone involved a lot of pleasure. Betting on the cocks was just fun amongst some friends.”

“After receiving several tips, we decided to put the Vick estate under surveillance. After several weeks, we decided to make our move today,” said Special Agent Debbie Drake. “We have more than enough evidence, and there’s no doubt in my mind that Vick was the cock ringleader. I can’t believe how many cocks we found here. Personally, I’ve never seen so many cocks. I think Michael Vick must have been holding other men’s cocks here at his house. The ASPA will be taking them in, so there’s no doubt the cocks will be in good hands. Two people we expected to find here today are Peter North and Ron Jeremy, two reported ‘big shots’ in the underground world of cocks. Arrest warrants for them have been issued.”

ESPN Announces All-Nude Women’s Beach Volleyball To Air In 2015

Posted on November 6, 2014 by Abe Abrams

MIAMI, Florida –

In a change that most men say they are very excited to see, ESPN has announced this morning that they will begin coverage of an all-nude women’s volleyball league starting in 2015. The action will take place on a new ESPN pay-per-view channel starting next June, with matches costing $39.95 each.

“ESPN realizes that ratings for beach volleyball peak every four years during the summer Olympics, and lets face it, the only reason people watch is to see girls from Brazil and the Ukraine in skimpy bikinis,” said ESPN announcer Kurt Kramer. “It’s safe to say Americans don’t even consider beach volleyball a real sport. It’s just T&A. In an effort to give viewers want they want, and to increase revenue for the network, of course, in 2015 we will air the All-Nude Women’s Beach Volleyball. Some of the biggest names in the sport have already signed on, and are looking forward to showing the world their skills and assets.”

”This is an outrage. Women already have to put up with sexist comments coming from the fans all the time. I don’t think I have ever been at an event without a ‘Nip Slip’ chant coming from the animals in the stands,” said Jane Jensen, 2012 volleyball silver medalist. “I for one will be sitting out the 2015 season in protest, and I am disappointed that many of my fellow American Olympians have been signing up – although I was not surprised to hear the Ukraine sluts were raring to go.”

“This is great! Women’s beach volleyball may become bigger than football,” said Mark Miller, an avid sports fan and ESPN viewer. ”Let’s face it – women’s sports are a joke, but this is a game changer. I would even watch women’s golf if they were nude. I don’t care that it’s on pay-per-view at forty bucks a pop, I’ll watch the shit out of volleyball now. I can’t wait for the season to start. The U.S. girls tend to be flat chested, so right now I would think the Brazil and Ukraine teams will have the upper hand in the games.”

When informed that the size of their breasts had nothing to do with the scoring during the matches, Miller went on to say “Yeah, whatever. Tittays, FTW!”

Washington Redskins Announce They Will Change Team Logo To Potato

Posted on October 31, 2014 by Chip

ASHBURN, Virginia –

An announcement has been made on behalf of NFL team The Washington Redskins that they will be changing their team logo to a redskin potato. A spokesperson on behalf of the team say fans can expect the change to be in effect in time for the 2015 season.

When asked what prompted the change in logo, the spokesperson responded by saying “We are sick of dealing with the controversy around our name, and feel that it’s time to do something about it. We haven’t made it to the Super Bowl in 22 years because we are so worried about our name and logo that we can’t even begin to focus on practicing and getting better as an organization.”

The logo change should not be a surprise to any team fans, as it has been causing controversy for as long as anyone can remember. The Redskins spokesperson said “If we’re all being honest here, nobody within the organization cares about the name or logo of the team, we just inherited it. We don’t draft Native Americans to play on the team, hell I don’t even think we allow them to try out.”

When asked why the team decided to change the logo vs actually changing the name of the team, the spokesperson responded with “It’s simple, really. Price has everything to do with it – a logo change is far less expensive than a complete overhaul of the name. We lost the trademark, but we think that with a change like this, we can get that decision changes, and get back to what’s really important here – making money off of our franchise.”

The spokesperson concluded this morning’s press release by saying “We’re proud to make this change, and we feel that it’s progressive and we’re excited to once and for all shed this insensitive logo.”

In a surprising twist, it was discovered during the unveil of the new logo that the teams new redskin potato mascot appears to be wearing a tiny Indian headdress.

Many people are objecting to the team’s new logo and say that new logo is far more offensive than the previous logo.

One fan has said “I had no issue with the original logo, but now it feels like they are being sneaky. It’s as if they think we are dumb and they are trying to pull one over on us. Next we know, they’ll probably sell us Redskins jerseys with smallpox on them, or something. Sneaky, sneaky.”

The team spokesman says they are excited to star playing under a ‘new banner,’ and that they hope fans will accept the change.