Canada Decides They Don’t Want Hockey to be Their ‘Thing’ Anymore

Posted on August 27, 2014 by carriesnotscary

OTTAWA, Canada –

Earlier this week, members of Canadian parliament held a press conference in Ottawa to announce that they’re sick and tired of hockey being their “thing.” Since no one really knows who they’re political leaders are, or that they even have a government, they invited their most famous celebrities, all of whom live in America, star in American films, and produce American music, to make the important announcement.

“Isn’t it ironic that Canadians are so nice but hockey is a violent sport?,” famous Canadian Alanis Morissette sang to kick off the conference. “Seriously, though,” Morissette said in a speaking voice.

“We’re cold and we’re tired and we’re really nice. Is there a sport about being really nice?,” famous Canadian Seth Rogen asked.

The suggestions Canada listed as possibilities to be their new “thing” include Helping Friends Move, Feeding Ducks, Sitting Patiently for Hours, Collecting Spoons, Taking Long Walks, Making Tiny Ships in Jars, Providing Shooting Locations for the Earlier Seasons of The X-Files, or Exporting Maple Candies.

Some Canadian celebrities even threw in suggestions of their own. “Can we steal bobsledding from the Jamaicans? It just makes more sense,” famous Canadian Ryan Gosling said. Gosling is also a strong supporter of the tiny ships in the bottles. “I’ve seen them. They’re very real and very majestic.”

Canada is the country above the United States, to the right of Alaska. Ottawa is the capital of Canada. They’ve always been really good at hockey. Some famous Canadians who also attended the conference include Avril Lavigne (advocate for Collecting Spoons), Cobie Smulders, Ryan Reynolds (advocate for Helping Friends Move), Robin Thicke, James Cameron, Rachel McAdams, Michael Cera, and Hayden Christensen (strong advocate for the unlisted thing of ‘Lots of Of Regret and Shame’). Leonardo DiCaprio attended the conference as a non-Canadian supporter of the cause to ditch hockey.

“Hockey is pretty cool and all, but Americans have made it their thing now, too,” said DiCaprio. “Let’s get Canada their own thing once again.”

John Lennon’s Killer Released From Prison After Shocking Reversal By Parole Board

Posted on August 23, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

ALDEN, New York –

On Wednesday, the New York Parole Board denied the parole of Mark David Chapman for the eighth time for the 1980 murder of music icon and former Beatles member John Lennon. Early this morning, in an unprecedented move, the board decided to reverse their decision, and in a shocking turn of events and subsequently granted Chapman parole effective immediately. The decision came after an impromptu meeting was called by unnamed government official who chastised the parole board for showing “poor judgement” and “holding a celebrity in a higher standard than that of the average American citizen,” New York corrections officials said.

New York Corrections spokesperson Glenn Abernathy told the Associated Press in a brief statement the reasons for the reversal.

“After further consideration, we decided to grant Mr. Chapman parole. It was made clear to us by outside forces that the murder of a celebrity should not mean a longer sentence than what is typically given. In 2013, a total of 116 inmates who were found guilty of murder were released from prison after serving less than a 10-year sentence. Mr. Chapman has served nearly 33 years, more than 3-times that amount. Also, he was cleared as mentally competent many years ago, meaning that there was no reason to deny his parole in the first place.” said Abernathy. “[Chapman] said after his initial arrest that he had plans to murder Johnny Carson, Elizabeth Taylor, Walter Cronkite, Marlon Brando, and Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, and that John Lennon was just the easiest to find. Well, everyone else he planned to kill is dead now anyway, so it was decided that he was no longer a threat to anyone else.”

“The parole board are made up of old fogies,” said Jerome David, a self-professed ‘super-fan’ of Chapman. “They denied him parole at every opportunity because they were fans of Lennon, of the Beatles, growing up. So they look at him, and they see someone who helped destroy their youth. That isn’t fair to [Chapman]. He deserves to be freed just like every other murderer they set free. The Beatles are a forgotten memory, anyway. Who really cares about them or John Lennon anymore? It’s not the 60s. Personally, I’ll be waiting at the gates to wave as they drive [Chapman] out!”

According to Abernathy, there was a decision made by the federal court system, calling the meeting with the purpose of reviewing the decision handed down on Wednesday by the parole board. It was then declared that the parole board did not have legitimate reasoning in denying the parole. The main issue discussed in the 3-hour meeting cited the fact that celebrities should not be given special treatment when the United States judicial system is involved, whether they are criminally involved or the victim.

“The United States average sentence for convicted murderers is between 13 and 16 years,” Abernathy told the New York Associated Press. “Chapman was sentenced to twenty-years to life in 1981, with a stipulation that mental health treatment be provided. “Mr. Chapman initially did not want to be released, due to his comfort within the system. However, at approximately 6:30 am this morning, he was given $200 cash and his copy of the book Catcher In The Rye, which he had when he was caught at the scene of the murder, and was given instructions to move into a half-way housing unit, which at this time will not be named.”

In an interview earlier this week, Chapman told ABC News that if released he would try to stay, anyway. “I’m so bonded that I could probably assure you that, if released, I’d probably stay right where I’m at,” Chapman said. “You know, once you stand on a rock for 20 years and feel the waves on you and you don’t go anywhere because you’re on a rock, you don’t want to move.”

Corrections officials at Wende Corrections Facility in Alden, New York, where Chapman was incarcerated, said that Chapman broke down in tears after being told of the parole board reversal. “He asked if he could please stay, he said he would work for free within the prison. When told he could not, under any circumstances voluntarily stay, he broke down and said his life was over,” said corrections officer Alex Jameson.

Chapman is set to be transported to the half-way house on Monday morning.

Obama Signs Executive Order Amending Constitution, Allows Unlimited Terms As President

Posted on August 10, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama has signed an executive order that seeks to amend the constitution, changing the listed terms a president can serve from the current two to an ‘unlimited’ amount. With support from Congress, the president signed the order with the intent of running for a third term in 2016.

“The people of this great nation deserve a leader that works for them,” said President Obama in a statement from the White House. “The change I promised during my first race is coming soon. It is very hard to un-do all the faults of your predecessor in only 4 short years. That is why I ran again, and you have elected me again for another 4 years. But even 8 years can sometimes not be enough time. So that is why, with the support of the U.S. Congress, I have exercised my rights of executive to sign this order, which will amend the Constitution of the United States, and allow for an unlimited number of terms as President.”

In 1940, Franklin Roosevelt won his third term as president. After bringing the country through the Great Depression and almost all of WWII, Roosevelt became one of the most popular presidents in US history. After his third term was completed, Roosevelt actually went on to win his fourth term, but died shortly afterwards. Upon his death, Congress drafted the 22nd amendment to the US Constitution, which states that a president can only serve two elected terms, for a total of 8 years.

“At the time this article was written, it was important to the structure and future of this great country,” said President Obama. “The United States had gone through tough times, and in 1947, after the death of Roosevelt, Congress decided that we needed this amendment to avoid a monarchy in this country. I am not seeking to be the King of the United States. I simply wish to try again, to run again, to continue the good work that I have done for this country.”

President Obama said that despite the changes being made to the 22nd amendment which allow him and any future president to serve unlimited terms, it does not change the fact that the office of President must be secured by vote.

“Either myself or any future man or woman who serves as President of this great country may now choose to run indefinite terms, but that does not mean that the people, whom we dutifully serve, will always vote to elect the same person,” said Obama.

The ratification was signed into order on Friday. As of the time of this writing, President Obama had not officially announced his intentions to run for a third term in 2016, but sources from within the White House say the announcement should be made soon.

Paris Hilton Denied Suite at Hilton Hotel

Posted on August 6, 2014 by DvanL

ORLY, France –

Paris Hilton, socialite, actress, model, singer and great-granddaughter of Hilton Hotels founder Conrad Hilton, was denied a suite at the Hilton Paris Orly Airport location last week.

“It was an oversight and we were simply filled to capacity,” explained hotel concierge Monique Val-de-Marne, through a translator. “It was quite embarrassing for us as you can well imagine. We offered to provide accommodation for Miss Hilton through the courtesy of one of our competitors, which she gracefully accepted.”

Hilton traveled to France to host an art gallery opening and to promote her second studio album featuring the single “Come Alive” which was released on July 8.

Produced by the record label Cash Money, a subsidiary of Universal Music Group, the music video features images of rainbows, pink, puffy clouds and unicorns, echoing Hilton’s public persona – that of a young, entitled princess, spending the bulk of her time enjoying the leisurely and dream-like lifestyle that comes with fame and fortune.

“Hilton Hotels provide unparalleled service and amenities to all of our guests,” said Val-de-Marne, who blamed the misstep on a staff member who did not recognize Ms. Hilton. “We always have a private suite set aside for what you would call VIPs,” she continued, “but this time an oversight was made for which we take full responsibility. The employee has been taken care of,” added Val-de-Marne, who was not working at the time of Hilton’s visit. The employment status off the staff member could not be confirmed or verified, with a terse “No comment!” issued by an unidentified reception desk staff member when reached by phone.

“Miss Hilton behaved quite professionally and politely from all reports,” remarked Val-de-Marne, “and we would be happy to have her visit our hotel anytime she wishes to do so.”

No statement has been issued by representatives of Paris Hilton with regard to the incident.

U.S. Government Announces Plans To Sell Statue of Liberty

Posted on August 2, 2014 by JP

LIBERTY ISLAND, New York –

One of the most iconic figures in the history of the United States will be put up for auction this fall, say representatives from the White House. The Statue of Liberty is being put up for sale after congress has deemed it as “luxury” item that the state of New York, and the government itself, cannot continue to afford to maintain.

The decision was made after several other countries made actual offers on Lady Liberty. After determining that the offers were legitimate, and seeing the astonishing amounts that were being offered, President Obama met with his cabinet and they decided that it would be an easy way to put an ‘injection into the heart of the economy.’

Since October 28, 1886, the statue has stood proudly in place and gave new immigrants to America hope, welcoming them to their new life. The people of France gave the Statue to the people of the United States over one hundred years ago in recognition of the friendship established during the American Revolution.

It appears that friendship has a price after all, though. Representatives from the French government have yet to give a statement on their thoughts about the sale, but financial advisors and lawyers for the government in France are working on making sure they receive a portion of the profit that America makes when selling it.

Ticket sales for The Statue of Liberty tour are happening now, with everyone still being able to gain admittance until the date is announced for the sale. President Obama has urged everyone who has not seen the Statue in person to try to make it to Liberty Island ‘as soon as possible.’

“This is a piece of history, absolutely,” said President Obama. “We want all Americans to be able to see Lady Liberty, her majestic beauty, up close before it is too late. Ticket sales will help in the cost of dismantling the statue from her base for her eventual move to the country of her buyer.”

Man Arrested At Airport With 30 Pounds of Heroin In His Anus

Posted on July 31, 2014 by JP

SPRINGFIELD, Illinois –

A resident of Springfield, Illinois was arrested Wednesday morning after police caught the man attempting to smuggle drugs on to an airplane. The arrest took place at Abraham Lincoln Capital Airport, and employees there are reportedly in shock over the events.

The gentleman under custody is Christopher Nowkuvski, and he is being charged with drug possession, trafficking, and a several misdemeanor charges. The arresting officer claims he has never seen anything like this before, and said that he found it ‘hilarious’ that the culprit thought he could squeeze his way by security.

According to police reports, Nowkuvski had almost 30 pounds of heroin inserted in his anus, in what police are saying was a failed attempt to get it on the plane bound for Canada. Unfortunately for Nowkuvski, he didn’t make it very far through security before being stopped and questioned.

“He came into the airport sweating and limping, as if he was dying. We knew something was up from the get-go,” said Joe Goldsmith, a security guard for the airport. “I asked him if he needed medical help, and he nervously laughed, claiming he was fine and just needed to get on the plane. He began to walk towards his gate, and from behind I noticed little balloons begin to fall from the leg of his pants.”

Once he was in custody, Nowkuvski claimed he had no idea how the drugs got into his anus. Officers at the scene gave him a full cavity search, which took nearly 3 full hours. The final bag was lodged so far inside him, that it was almost reaching his intestines.

“It was insane, it wouldn’t stop coming out. After 10 bags we were in awe to how he even got it up there, then once we began to get into the hundreds all bets were off,” said Goldsmith. “It’s definitely one for the record books. If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I surely never would have believed it.”

If convicted, Nowkuvski could face up to 30 years in prison for trafficking.

10-Year-Old Girl Receives Breast Implants From Mexican Doctor

Posted on July 27, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

LONDON, England –

Sarah Burge has been making international headlines for close to a decade as the ‘human Barbie,’ a woman who has spent almost a million dollars on plastic surgery and body augmentation. She last made waves in the news in 2011, when she gifted her then 7-year-old daughter, Poppy, a gift voucher for almost $16,000 worth of surgery in the form of breast implants. She said that the voucher, although extravagant, could not be used until Poppy turned 18.

Since that time, Burge has apparently changed her mind, recently allowing and paying for her daughter, who is now 10, to get breast implants. The pair had to fly to Mexico to find a doctor willing to perform the surgery on such a young child.

“Poppy kept bugging me to have it done,” said Burge. “She’d stomp her feet and throw a tantrum, and say things like ‘Mommy, you had your first surgery at 7! I’m 10 now! I want my surgery!’ After awhile, I realized that she was right, and I had to give in.”

Burge says that she did try many clinics in both the UK and the US first, and every doctor she spoke to turned her down flat. Some even threatened to inform child protective services.

“They were very rude, very crass,” says Burge of the doctors she spoke to. “I even offered to pay double their normal price for the cosmetic surgery, and the still refused. We finally found Dr. Rodriguez in Tijuana, and he was willing to perform the surgery for actually a lot less than anyone else.”

Dr. Jose Rodriguez is a non-certified plastic surgeon who works out of his offices, which are actually just small rooms attached to his apartment, in Tijuana, Mexico.

“I have been a surgeon for many, many years,” claims Rodriguez. “Sarah came to me after being turned down by lots of doctors. People with ethics and concerns for children. Me, I don’t have those things. I performed the surgery, and it went very, very well. Young girl, she has a great set of breasts now. She is going to be a beautiful woman, just like her mama.”

Burge’s young daughter, Poppy, said that she loved the experience of the surgery, and cannot wait to have more of them.

“I really want to get my ears trimmed back, like Mommy,” said Poppy. “I also want to get my butt tucked in and my hips shaved down. I don’t like my fingers, so I might have them shaved down, too. I also want to have my eyes dyed a different color and to have my lips puffed way out like Mommy’s. I want to be beautiful.”

“Plastic surgery is a multi-billion dollar industry throughout the world,” said Rodriguez. “It makes people happy, makes them feel better about themselves. What’s wrong with that?”

Burge has reportedly gifted several other vouchers to Poppy over the last few birthdays and holidays, including a $12,000 voucher for liposuction and $15,000 for various additional cosmetic surgery. These vouchers usually come as birthday gifts, at parties where Burge spends anywhere from $40,000 to $75,000 for Poppy and her friends.

“I like to make her happy. Everything I do is for my Poppy,” said Burge. “I can afford to do anything and everything to make her dreams come true, so why wouldn’t I do it?”

Facebook Announces New Design Changes, Massive Overhaul Coming In October

Posted on July 21, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

MENLO PARK, California –

Facebook users around the world have requested an updated look and more display options for quite some time. Well today, over a billion people were told the news so many have been waiting patiently for – the changes are coming this October. So get prepared to get creative and express yourself, because you will be have plenty of options to do so with the new bells and whistles awaiting those eager fingertips worldwide.

Chairman and CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, excitedly announced earlier today that big changes are in store for Facebook, the social networking giant currently used by 1.28 billion members worldwide.

“Effective October 1, 2014, Facebook users will experience a brand new appearance along with new formats and displays which will allow users to choose by various themes, colors, layouts, and fonts,” said Zuckerberg. “These are features that are users have been requesting for years. Everyone will have the unique ability to arrange their profile pages in a custom setting, one of which is the original layout that included the “wall” concept, which many members insisted was easier to navigate and maintain. You can organize your friends and post them on your pages. You can We want you to have the unrestricted freedom to choose what works best for you and your individual electronic devices.”

Long time users of the site may remember the controversy surrounding the gradual change-over from Facebook Wall design to the current “Timeline” layout. Thousands of complaints flooded Facebook headquarters surrounding the change-up, some account users insisted they simply liked the old way better.

“Music and photography lovers will have the ability to embed photos or their favorite music videos freely upon their profile page,” said Rob Landry, head of design for Facebook. “For the creative, artistic, and photogenic users, in-screen photo editing will be readily available with a vast-array of eccentric and classic special effects, frames, filters, and the essential tools for adjusting and modifying photographs in a timely and efficient, fool-proof manner.”

“We are very excited to offer these options, these changes have been a long time coming and we just wanted to get it right so that the network performs just as smoothly and efficiently as always,” said an upbeat Zuckerberg. “We will be finalizing the new logo as the final step of this incredible and extreme makeover, which will be done in about two weeks. At Facebook we believe in innovation, the freedom of expression, and the most certain individuality of each of our unique Facebook friends, so it only makes sense for us to change things and allow the options to best fit individual needs. With that being said, we can assure, without a doubt that change is good and we believe 1.28 billion users will ultimately, enthusiastically agree on the first day of October. ”

Formula 1 Racer Decapitated After Violent Crash Flips Car

Posted on July 20, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOCKENHEIM, Germany –

Prominent Formula 1 racer Felipe Massa was killed in a crash during the German Grand Prix yesterday when his car became inverted in a horrific crash on the first corner almost immediately after the race began. He was killed instantly during the crash, the extremely poor design of the stock car causing his decapitation.

“It is with a heavy heart that we announce the passing of Felipe Massa in a crash during the Prix yesterday,” said Formula 1 representative Frederic Duerst. “Mr. Massa was a phenomenal driver who unfortunately perished competing in a sport that he loved, that he lived for. We pass our deepest sympathies on to his family, friends, and the rest of his team at Williams Engineering.”

Massa, who had grown up racing go-karts from the age of 8, became a world-class racer in his late teens, winning the European Grand Prix championship title when he was 19. He quickly worked his way up the ranks of racing, it finally being announced that he would join the Williams team alongside world-famous racer Valtteri Bottas.

The race, which was postponed for only a few hours following Massa’s death so his body could be moved and car towed away, was overshadowed by the horrific event. Teammate Bottas, who finished second in the race, was hoping for a victory.

“Felipe was one of the best drivers I’d ever seen, and he was a wonderful teammate and friend,” said Bottas. “He joined us in November of last year, and had a great future ahead of him in this sport. It’s a sad day for us, and a sad day for racing fans everywhere. That being said, though, I kicked some a– out there, huh? Second place? I’ll take it.”

Fans in the stands were both saddened and excited by the crash.

“Everyone comes to these races to see a good crash,” said Hans Uhl, a fan who follows the Mercedes team. “This crash was one of the most spectacular I’ve ever seen. Yes, a man was killed, but it was so cool to see [the car] flying through the air.”

Williams Engineering has said that they have plans to look over the entire vehicle to ensure it was not mechanical malfunction that caused the crash.

“We think it was just a bad day on the track,” said Williams Engineering spokesman David Black. “Formula 1 racing is a dangerous sport. They race in the worst-designed cars I’ve ever seen. Open tops, little restraints. Oh, and the helmets? My God, what’s the point? I’m surprised people aren’t dying out there every race.”

Massa will be interred at his home in São Paulo, Brazil. He was 33 years old.

New Law Will Make Practicing The Mormon Religion Illegal

Posted on July 13, 2014 by JP

PROVO, Utah –

Religion has always been a touchy subject any way one chooses to look at it, causing wars, hatred, and feuds that may or may not have happened if it wasn’t for the beliefs held by any number of people. Regardless of the issues it may cause, one thing in life is certain, and that is that you are free to choose to believe in whatever you want, and the government cannot stop you.

Apparently, things are about to change for those wishing to practice at least one major religion. A new law being voted on in congress could pass, effectively making it illegal to follow the Mormon religion.

It is unclear why the United States would be voting to outlaw any religion, especially Mormonism, but the penalties and guidelines it entails are very extreme: anyone seen practicing the Mormon religion would be held in a prison cell for up to but not to exceed 5 years, and will only be released once a therapist and appointed clergyman feels that their beliefs have changed. This would still be true even if the law was repealed while the accused was incarcerated.

In conjunction with backlash that will come with such a harsh law, the government has said they will be offering a therapy program to Mormons that would like to learn about becoming followers of another religion, and the program will also give them an outlet to following that new way of life.

“Well, I mean, it does kind of make me happy to know I won’t have some stranger knocking on my door at 7:30AM, wanting to talk about God.” said Joe Goldsmith of Provo. “I’ve never been less interested in anyone’s beliefs – except for of course, perhaps, the Jehovah Witnesses. Those people show up at 6:30AM!”

News of the possibly outlaw of the Mormon faith reached the Vatican this morning, where Pope Francis was apparently thrilled.

“All the more for us,” Said the Pontiff. “They will come screaming to Catholicism. No one can outlaw the true Jesus Christ.”

The law, if passed, will take place January 1st, 2015. Any practicing Mormons are asked to keep a close watch on the possible law changes.