Rhinoceros Born With Rooster Head Becomes Biggest Spectacle At Bronx Zoo

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BRONX, New York – 

A Rhinoceros that was born with the head of a rooster has become one of the most viewed attractions at New York’s Bronx Zoo in the last several months. The animal, which specialists believe is naturally occurring after a rooster copulated with a female rhino, is approximately 3-years-old, and was found in the wild in Tanzania.

“We procured the Rhinoster through private channels after he was captured in the deserts of Tanzania,” said zoo spokesman Carl Grove. “After careful research and monitoring, we have determined that the animal is completely real, and not created in a lab. We believe that a rare, oversized wild rooster may have had sex with a female rhinoceros in the wild, forming what we commonly call the Rhinoster, or the Horny Cock.”

Grove estimates that over 2 million visitors to the Bronx Zoo have viewed the Horny Cock since his arrival in June.

“We are extremely happy to have this Rhinoster in our possession, and we plan to try and breed him if we can,” said Grove. “Only time will tell if the Horny Cock really sticks to his namesake.”

TSA To Begin Using Drug-Sniffing Cats At Airports

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Transportation Security Administration, the agency responsible for security at all U.S. airports, said that they are beginning to switch from drug-sniffing canines to drug-sniffing cats at security checkpoints. The change comes after a 4-year-old with past dog-related trauma was hospitalized when he suffered a mild heart attack at the sight of one of LAX’s dogs.

“Cats, although much more difficult to train, can smell drugs, too” said TSA spokesman George Richards. “They’re not quite as adept at it, because their noses don’t work like a dog’s, but they can certainly smell cocaine, marijuana, and catnip with no issue.”

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Cats, which unlike dogs are notorious assholes, are internet sensations in their own right, but there are many concerns that a cat will not be able to find most of the drugs that may slip through TSA security, leaving a major hole in our nation’s plane travel.

“We are very aware that cats will not find everything that comes through, but frankly, neither do the dogs,” said Richards. “There will still be backups, such as our TSA agents, working the checkpoints, just as there has always been. Frankly, we just want to make sure that people are safe, and if dogs are going to be an issue, then cats are the next logical step.”

Richards says that cats will become the norm at all major airports by the end of 2016.

Animal Breeder Successfully Joins Sloths With Kittens

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky – 

A selective breeder from Kentucky has said that he has successfully combined the internet’s two most popular animals – the sloth and the cat – into one extremely cute animal.

“It took many years of genetic research, and plenty of time and effort,” said animal breeder Jeremy Richards. “Not to mention trying to entice a sloth to have sex with a cat. That was not easy. In the end, though, it’s all been worth it, because I’ve finally been able to breed a new animal, which I have dubbed the Slitten. Or, possible, the Cloth. I haven’t decided.”

Richards says he has been working on creating the “internet’s perfect animal” for the better part of 10 years.

“I’ve had success in the past combining rabbits and cats, cats and chickens, goats and beavers, all sorts of animals,” said Richards. “This is the first time, though, I was able to work with an exotic animal like a sloth.”

Richards says that he made the animal “purely for show,” and that he would not be selling them.

“I just want people to be able to admire them, but I don’t know their temperament or anything yet, so for now, they stay with me.”

Internal Sony Documents Reveal Playstation Controllers Are Made of Dog Noses

dog nose

TOKYO, Japan – 

Sony International, the company behind the Playstation 4 video game console, is under some serious scrutiny after a set of internal documents were leaked detailing the manufacturing process of the company’s popular video game controllers.

“It seems that Sony has been using the noses of dead dogs to create the grips on the joystick of their controllers for quite some time,” said investigator Joe Goldsmith. “All the way back to the original Playstation console, the company has been buying the carcasses of dead dogs in bulk, shipping them from all over the world to their headquarters in Japan, for purposes of using the skin from the noses as the material for the joystick.”

In the documents, Sony CEO Nah Bro Li said that the company had tried “many different options” for the joystick grips before landing on the noses of dogs.

“Nothing works better than dog nose for the small grips of the joystick,” read the text in one of the memos. “This, though, would be very bad for the public to hear, and we would have many animal rights activists at our door. This is something we want to continue doing, but with great secrecy.”

“Clearly they could be using anything else to make these,” said Goldsmith. “Rubber is the first thing that comes to mind, for example. Sony has showed a clear lack of compassion for animals in using the noses of dogs to make their controllers. On the other hand, it does explain why they are $60 a pop. At this time, we believe all the dogs they used were already dead by other causes. It’s a great thing to discover now, though, before the company had that chance to start paying people to kill dogs strictly for their use. ”

Private investigators hired by PETA and other animal rights groups have begun digging into other company’s controllers as well, including those made by Microsoft for their XBox systems, as well as leading 3rd party manufacturer Mad Katz.

Kids Lure Cats to Death with Laser Pointer

Kids Lure Cats to Death with Laser Pointer

BANGOR, Maine –

Cat owners can sleep a little easier now that suspects have been apprehended for luring at least five local cats to their deaths, endangering unsuspecting drivers. The names of two juveniles have not been released, but the laser pointer allegedly used was reportedly found upon strip-search of the boys.

Distressed neighbors had put signs around the community, warning drivers to be extra cautious.

The Bangor Daily News reports that Bill Dodge, 44, was the hero that finally caught the boys. He had seen the signs posted in the neighborhood and immediately slowed down when he saw suspicious red light.

“Big orange tabby. Smart fella- didn’t follow it into the road. I chased them boys now got a holda one of them. Pinned him down with my knee and dialed 911.”

Jenny Jackson, 37 was the first victim of the vicious trick. “A while off I saw a red light flashing on the side of the road. Then it stopped. I just thought they were messing around with me when I saw the little red dot in the street.  A second later I saw the poor cat, and it was too late.

There was such a horrible thud. It was dark so I couldn’t make out much, but it looked like teenage boys in baseball caps, and I heard them cackling as they ran away through someone’s yard. Laughing! I couldn’t believe it. What if I swerved and hit a pole?”

 

Animal Shelter in California Initiates “Scared Straight” Program for Rebellious Puppies

Animal Shelter in California Initiates “Scared Straight” Program for Rebellious Puppies

 

ORANGE COUNTY, California – 

The stereotypical profile of a pitbull walking the streets at night and getting picked up by dogcatchers is all too familiar for most people living in California. That’s why it’s the first state to have a “scared straight” program to put troubled young dogs back on track.

Scared Straight is a program that was originally designed for troubled teenage human children, but M. Walden, the owner of a dog pound in Orange County, saw the program’s design as an opportunity to extend help to other communities.

“These dogs don’t know what it’s like being locked up,” Walden told Empire News in a recent interview. “We’ve had youth intervention programs before where we just talk to them, but they all just look away like they don’t even understand what we’re saying. It’s frustrating.”

The program operates in much the same way with dogs as it does for troubled teens. Puppies, usually age two months to two years, are brought in and put through the same process as impounded dogs. They are harnessed, muzzled, and transported via cages.

Walden explained a typical day at the Scared Straight program to us:

“We show them what it’s like being locked up inside. Stuck in a cage in a room full of obnoxious barking dogs all day. These dogs don’t care – most of them are in here for life. But they see these young puppies walk in here with everything to lose and they really feel for them. We let them talk one-on-one for a while. The transition of growling dogs everywhere to a real sincere chat with a heartbroken lifer really gets to some of these pups.”

Walden says the hardest part is seeing some of the same puppies come in a year later to be locked up, but also that they make the next generation that much more scared to continue their destructive behavior.

The program is expected to spread to other parts of California with some funding and community support. So far its response has been overwhelmingly positive, and bad behavior in young puppies has dropped significantly.

Rare Feline Disease Projected To Kill Millions Of Cats, Experts Fear Extinction

ATLANTA, Georgia – Rare Feline Disease Projected To Kill Millions Of Cats, Experts Fear Extinction

America’s second-favorite pet is in a battle for its life, and looks like it’s losing. Cats, both domestic and feral, have been dying in alarming numbers across the country, and veterinarians working closely with the Center For Disease Control have been seeking to find a cure for this new feline disease.

“We have diagnosed a disease, but cannot control it. It’s spreading at an alarming rate, and we can project death rates into the millions by summer. If your cat has been urinating more than usual, or being extra vocal, it could be the first signs of the disease,” said Alan Anderson spokesman for the CDC. “While a cure would not be impossible to find, we at the CDC quite frankly have better things to focus our energies and research on.”

Anderson said that while the CDC has been looking to find a cure for the disease, they have been also dealing with massive amounts of paperwork leftover from the recent Ebola scare.

“We’re very tired after that whole Ebola thing,” said Anderson. “This new cat disease, known as Feline Urinary Cartilage Abdominal Track Syndrome, or  FUCATS, for short, is easily spread, and it could very well mean an end to cats altogether. But, here at the CDC, our main concern is human diseases and controlling and containing their spread. Possibly dog diseases, too, but certainly not cat diseases.”

“Many in my field feel that FUCATS is a godsend,” said  veterinarian Mark Miller. “I look forward to the day I can go to work without being scratched by those soulless creatures. For felines, FUCATS is a horrible way to die. Their intestines turn into hard cartilage, and it’s very painful. It’s so painful for the cats, it’s almost hard for me to enjoy watching them die, but I manage.”

“It’s horrible. I mean, they could cure it, but they can’t be bothered,” said Margaret McCoy of Duluth, Minnesota, owner of 15 cats. “My babies are all I have. I guess I could get a dog. I always wanted a dog, and I hear one dog equals the love of 15 cats. But, still…I’ve grown attached to these furry little guys, the litter being tracked all over the house, and the smell of ammonia in the air. I hope that FUCATS doesn’t get my little fur-babies!”

 

Radio Host Dr. Laura Adopts Ten Pit Bulls, Immediately Has Them Euthanized

SACRAMENTO, California – Radio Host Dr. Laura Adopts Ten Pit Bulls, Immediately Has Them Euthanized

Just days after saying that “Pit bulls are a waste of space and should all be put down” on her radio show, The Dr. Laura Program, host Laura Schlessinger adopted ten pit bulls from a Southern California rescue shelter only to have the dogs immediately euthanized.

Shelter operator Mary Sheckles told Empire News that Schlessinger stopped by the shelter earlier this week, just days after making her now infamous comments about pit bulls. Sheckles said Schlessinger, also known as ‘Dr. Laura’, acted very sympathetic and guilty over her comments, so she wanted to give ten pit bulls a good home. Sheckles was convinced that Schlessinger had turned a new leaf after thousands of pit bull owners tweeted and emailed her telling her why she was wrong.

“She seemed very sincere,” Sheckles said. “I was just as angry as anyone toward that woman, then she came in and really poured it on heavy, so heavy it was emotional for me. I then showed her around the shelter and she took the time to meet and greet with ten of our pits we had at the time. She said she wanted to adopt every single one of them. I was so moved, I cried tears of joy.”

However, according to Sheckles, Schlessinger did not adopt the dogs to keep as pets. Hours after making the adoption arrangements, the radio host had a family member take the pit bulls to a local veterinarian, who she had known was also anti-pit bull, and had all ten dogs euthanized. A sympathetic employee from the veterinarian’s office secretly called Sheckles, and told her the devastating truth.

“I have been crying non-stop since,” Sheckles said. “In my opinion, this woman is evil and sadistic, and she needs to be taken off the air so that her lies and untruths can no longer be spread. For her comments and actions, she should lose all of her sponsors. The things she says, and the hatred she spews, all the while having very little to absolutely zero knowledge on the subjects in which she speaks, it’s all just very disturbing. She’s almost as bad – no, she’s worse than Dr. Oz!”

 

New ‘Anti-Cry Collar’ For Noisy Babies Has Human Rights Groups Outraged

BEIJING, China – New 'Cry Collar' For Noisy Babies Has Human Rights Groups Outraged

How far would you go to stop your baby from crying? China Toy Group has begun manufacturing a new line of parental aids, with their flagship device aimed at quieting your noisy baby. A terry clothed collar fits snugly around your baby’s neck, providing head support and emitting a low-pitched frequency hum that is inaudible to adults every time baby begins to cry. It has yet to be released in the US, but pre-orders are stacking up in China.

Human rights groups say that they think the concept sounds a bit too much like bark collars, which emit a high-frequency noise only dogs can hear, stopping man’s best friend from excessive barking. Activist Marsha Bradley says, “What’s next, shock collars for kids? Zap your kid when they don’t clean their room or shock your spouse when they forget to put the toilet seat down? This treatment is completely inhumane!”

CTG Representative, Fu Rui Shou defends the device, claiming it is a perfect way to help your child learn to behave.

“We not saying, keep on your baby 100% of time. When you out at restaurants, put on child, as courtesy to other people. Think you ready shake you baby? You use this product instead. So, so much better plan. It will save baby lives. It will save you sanity from baby who never stop crying. It also very safe. We think baby will like hum sound. Sound like being in sweet, cozy womb.”

Bradley disagrees. “I saw a baby with one of these things on. He was drooling all over the place – then he peed itself. That baby was terrified, and it hated wearing this cruelty collar.”

Currently, China Toy Association is developing a marketing plan for the US and Europe. They are optimistic it will catch on. Shou says they intend to extend the line into marital aids. “We still in early stage of development, but collar also be nice to have for nagging spouse. Shut them up good, no more complain. Teach them to act just like proper Chinese wife.”

N. Dakota Town Passes New Law; Dogs That Attack Will Be Shot In Front Of Owners

WEST CARBON, North Dakota – City Passes New Law; Dogs That Attack Will Be Shot In Front Of Owners

A small town in North Dakota has recently passed a law that does not bode well with animal rights activists. In response to an increased number of dog attacks in 2014, West Carbon has passed a law requiring any dog that attacks or shows aggression – whether it be towards a human or another animal – to be shot, execution style, in front of its owners.

According to West Carbon police records, 53 dogs have been ‘put down’ in front of their owners since the law went into effect mid-2014. The most recent execution was Roxanne, a Blue Heeler owned by the McYoung family. According to Daniel McYoung, police shot Roxanne in the family’s living room after neighbors reported that they saw her biting the feet of Rusty, the McYoung’s other dog in the family’s backyard.

“This whole thing is ridiculous, Roxanne wasn’t biting or attacking Rusty, she was nipping at his heels, that’s what she does, she is a Heeler for god’s sake! The worst part of the whole incident is that the police insisted upon shooting the dog in our living room, and then did not offer to help clean up the mess they made,” said Daniel McYoung. He says that, thankfully, the one their 12-year-old daughter had been at a friend’s house for a sleepover when the police arrived.

Chief Wiggler from West Carbon Police Department publicly responded to Daniel McYoung’s statement by saying “The breed of dog is irrelevant, the dog was biting another dog, and in my book that’s an attack. In addition, the McYoung’s neighbor was of the opinion that Roxanne was attacking the other dog. People need to understand that when it comes to the law, perception is reality.”

Wiggler finished his press release by saying, “We insisted upon resolving the issue in the McYoung’s living room because it was a Saturday afternoon, and we did not want to cause a scene publicly by resolving it outdoors.”

Those that oppose the law say that it’s clearly an attempt for law enforcement to intimidate citizens, and that the law itself is inhumane.

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