‘Breaking Bad’ Star Bryan Cranston Diagnosed With Cancer

Posted on February 24, 2015 by Josh Marcus

HOLLYWOOD, California –

In a tragic twist of fate, Breaking Bad star Bryan Cranston may be facing a similar ordeal to that of his character from the hit TV series.

The actor, also known for his role in the TV series Malcolm In The Middle, has recently had his career diagnosed with a terminal case of cancer. A year and a half after the series finale, in which Cranston played cancer riddled Walter White, doctors have attributed Cranston’s career’s sickness to his minor role in 2014’s reboot of the Godzilla franchise.

“It’s a known carcinogen,” said famed oncologist Dr Hugh Hormones. “Taking small parts in disappointing remakes of classic movies is a surefire way to precipitate the disease. We warn actors time and time again, but after starring in long-running award-winning series, the temptation of getting back out there is just too great.”

Fans of the actor have come out in huge support of his ailing career, sending sympathetic tweets and reposting photos they had taken with him – most of them show the man with a still-healthy looking career.

“Breaking Bad was always gonna be impossible to top,” tweeted TheRealJohnJonson. “#WeLoveYouWalterWhite”

“Bryan Cranston will forever be Walter White in my heart,” posted JessePinkmanStillLives. “#IBoughtGodzillaOnBluRay #ItWasOnSale #SupportCranston”

However, it seems that Cranston may not the only member of the cast of the AMC hit to be stricken with this rampant disease. Co-star Aaron Paul is said to be undergoing tests after symptoms that his own career might be deteriorating due to the incurable illness.

“Aaron took few precautions in exposed himself to an even more severe carcinogen,” said Dr Hormones, referring to Paul’s part in the latest reimagining of the story of Moses, Exodus: Gods and Kings. In it, Paul takes the role of Joshua, whose only lines include shouting the name “Moses” unclearly. This comes hot on the heels of his action film Need For Speed, a film about fast cars that is, curiously, not based on the video game series of the same name, and is a movie that most people aren’t even aware exists.

Family members of both victims have announced that they will stand by their loved ones’ sides throughout, and will “fight this thing together.”

“Aaron and Bryan at least have each other to get through it with. Their careers have for so long been interlinked, and now they will until the end,” said a family friend of Cranston’s.

Reports, however, suggest that Paul may be exposing himself to yet another possibly fatal carcinogen, with rumors placing him in the role of the scarecrow in an as yet unannounced reboot of the Hollywood classic The Wizard of Oz.

Groundbreaking Study Shows Prayer Might Not Actually Help Terminally Ill Patients

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Justin Birch

CONCORD, Massachusetts –

An important study recently concluded that gathered the minds of doctors, scientists, priests, and hundreds of thousands of people revealed some potentially devastating information: praying for people with terminal illnesses might not save their lives or even relieve their suffering.

In the five year long study, one hundred terminally ill cancer patients volunteered to take part. Half of them acted as the control group, while almost a million people, sourced through various channels, prayed for the other half consistently. The results: each case ended at completely random intervals, with only one person making a full recovery. This one man was in the control group.

“I had a hunch prayer might not be as effective as people make it out to be, but I never thought it would be completely useless,” one of the leading doctors for the study remarked.

The group behind the study followed up with a report stating that the findings were not entirely conclusive since “God’s will can’t be proven,” suggesting that the Holy Spirit already had different plans for this group of people. Nonetheless, it raises skepticism and is pushing more doctors to rely on their years of painstaking medical studies instead of prayer.

“The craziest part for me,” one of the study’s unbiased third-party observers said, “is that the people in the non-prayer group actually did better overall. I mean obviously with something like cancer it’s hard to tell because every case is different, but since people weren’t allowed to pray for them they spent their time raising money for research, helping them pay their medical bills, and in general doing whatever else they could to help.”

Several members of the study’s prayer group also chipped in to financially and emotionally support the control group without prayer, often finding that their time felt much better spent. A much larger and longer-term study is scheduled to begin in a few months to hopefully gather a second round of evidence.

New University Study Shows Marijuana Concentrate ‘Dabs’ Cause Brain Cancer

Posted on January 7, 2015 by DesireeAmber

TUCSON, Arizona –

At the University of Arizona College of Medicine, recent test studies show that smoking marijuana concentrates, also called “dabs,” users are increasing their risk of developing cancerous cells in their brain by almost 7 times when compared to just regular weed smoking.

Out of 75 test subjects, 11 subjects, both male and female, are showing signs of cancerous activity after only 18 months of smoking the concentrated marijuana dabs. Monitored behavior logs were kept, along with consultations and activities performed daily, monitoring standard marijuana smoking versus dab smokers.

University of Arizona representative Amanda Schuyler released the findings after concluding that the public needed to have the information on hand before the study would be fully completed.

“As the use of ‘dabs’ becomes more and more common amongst marijuana users seeking a much better high, we felt we needed to get our findings out there as soon as possible, as the dangers of holding onto such information could be disastrous,” said Schuyler. “The effects of residual butane exposure, which is a chemical used in preparing the dabs, actually isn’t as bad as you’d think. What’s really causing the cancer to grow at such a rapid rate is the concentrated marijuana. Taking one dab is just like smoking 4,000 joints at once. It’s deadly.”

7 Out of the 11 subjects being observed while using concentrates that were negatively effected are showing severe destruction of neurons in the brain, losses unlike anything ever seen. With no current possibility for regrowth of brain matter, it’s being suggested by the university researchers that concentrated ‘dabs’ be categorized with the government as a class 1 felony drug.

Debates have been heated in the medical marijuana, as well as recreational-use communities as to the benefits of these concentrates. Marijuana concentrates, also known on the streets as “hippie crack,” is made by using marijuana and butane to transform the plant into a goopy liquid, which gets heated and smoked through special, often very elaborate, glass pipes.

“I really hope that the government listens to our findings on this horrible, seriously damaging drug,” said Schuyler. “Just like standard marijuana, this new form is extremely deadly and could easily kill you. It needs to be controlled by the government, and it needs to be a strict felony as punishable by law.”

Harvard Study Suggests Frequent Use Of Contact Lenses May Increase Cancer Risks

Posted on January 3, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts –

A recent medical science study conducted at prestigious Harvard University has revealed an alarming statistic. Those who wear contact lenses on a daily basis are fifteen-times more likely to develop various types of cancer.

The study, led by Harvard professor, Dr. Carmine Altmann, uncovered the shocking statistic during a five-year research program which correlated the use of materials cancer victims come into contact with on a daily basis in relation to the severity of their disease. Dr. Altmann says that the study, which is currently in its fourth year, has discovered that one personal item tends to stick out like a sore thumb – contact lenses.

“Unfortunately numbers do not lie. This is both a major cause for concern as well as a significant medical breakthrough,” Altmann said. “There are two types of contact lenses which the visually impaired use: soft contact lenses, which are made of soft, flexible plastics that allow oxygen to pass through to the cornea, and Rigid Gas Permeable contact lenses, which are made up of a more durable plastic and are resistant to deposit buildup, and generally give a clearer, crisper vision. It is my educated guess the culprit are the types of plastics used to manufacture the contact lenses.”

For several years, scientists and environmentalist have found plastic materials, which are used for just about everything, to be very questionable in their relations to both human health and the environment.

Environmental safety scientist Charles James Epperson says he is not surprised by the results which Altmann’s group discovered. “I’ve been saying for years that the human race relies too much on various types of plastics. Plastics disguise their toxicity very well and it takes years of exposure to find any kind of effect on the human body or environment. We need to focus more studies on alternative forms of durable, comfortable materials for product manufacturing.”

The study, which has continued as the new year begins, has also begun looking into plastics that may cause cancer in other parts of the body, including cheap hairpieces that cause scalp cancer, certain sneakers which could cause foot cancer, and the possibility of plastic shopping bags leading to finger and hand cancers.

Los Angeles Holistic Medicine Clinic Says Coconut Oil Cures Cancer

Posted on November 3, 2014 by Chip

LOS ANGELES, California –

Holistic Henry’s Holistic Clinic is once again in the midst of controversy. Holistic Henry’s is run by Henry Rackman, who initially made waves in the medical community 2 years ago when he opened Henry’s House of Medicine, a pain clinic in Los Angeles that specialized in the dispensing of narcotic pain killers. The pain clinic was almost immediately raided by the DEA, and shut down for a laundry list of infractions.

Immediately upon Henry’s House of Medicine being shut down, Holistic Henry’s was opened. Rackman was convicted of dispensing pharmaceuticals without a license, but was given a suspended sentence.

Holistic Henry’s has recently been targeted by the media for taking advantage of chronically ill patients that are dying of cancer. It is estimated that Holistic Henry’s currently has at least 40 chronically ill patients. It has been confirmed that at least 9 of the clinics patients have passed away this month.

Treatments prescribed by Holistic Henry’s include frequent yoga, heavy applications of coconut oil, and ‘eating right’.

Amanda Rotberg, the daughter of one of the recently deceased patients, has spoken out against the clinic and said her father was taken advantage of. She said he had a hard time digesting the news from his doctor that even with continued treatment, he would most likely only have 2 years alive. She says that her father was not in a clear state of mind and, was desperately searching for something that would cure his cancer.

“My father thought he found what he was looking for at Holistic Henry’s, however what he actually found was a bunch of con-artists that convinced him rubbing excessive amounts of coconut oil on his tummy every night would cure his stomach cancer,” said Rotberg. “It’s sickening what they’re claiming, and they have no evidence to back it up whatsoever.”

“The worst part of the whole thing, is that insurance does not cover any treatment received at places like Holistic Henry’s, so my father paid out over $150,000 to the clinic. Exactly what is the overhead on coconut oil and yoga? I’ll tell you, it’s damn near nothing!”

A Holistic Henry’s representative was asked what services they offer to a patient suffering from cancer, and they said that it varies, but they have a basis of treatments that all patients should receive.

“We offer several modern treatments, but honestly, aside from heavy applications of coconut oil and frequent yoga, the best treatment for someone dying from cancer is to just be a good person.”

Cure For Cancer Discovered; ‘Amazingly Simple’ Says Researcher

Posted on June 3, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

Orono, Maine — Medical researchers at the University of Maine have discovered the long-sought cure for cancer. According to lead researcher Dr. Emma Kingston, the cure was so amazingly simple, they don’t understand how someone didn’t find it before now.
Said Kingston, “I was practically in shock. The medical community has been conducting research for literally decades trying to find the cure for cancer. And for the actual cure to be so simple. Stunning, really. And to be clear, we’re not just talking about one type of cancer here. We’re talking about all types of cancer for all people.”
Dr. Elmer Hudson, a colleague of Dr. Kingston’s, expressed some reservations at making such sweeping claims. “We need to be careful here. While yes the cure is 100% effective for most people and all types of cancer, there are still isolated instances with some types of people who have some types of cancer that the level of immediate complete remission is only 94.6%. That other 5.4% of cancer patients did not experience complete immediate remission. They all exhibited flu-like symptoms for up to 2 weeks before they were completely cured.”
Kingston went on to explain that everything needed for the cure is available at any local drugstore. In fact, according to Kingston, you can probably get most of the items at a reasonably stocked convenience store. Even Dr. Hudson admitted that a person can go to a drugstore, spend perhaps twenty dollars, go home and be completely cured in about thirty minutes.
The complete findings will be released in the next issue of The Journal Of Medical Things In Maine which is issued every two years by the University. Since the previous version came out just last month, it will be almost the full two years before the next issue.
Dr. Kingston, practically giddy, said “When our findings are made public it will change the world. And only 23 months to wait.”