Convicted Pedophile Wins Millions In State Lottery

BATAVIA, Illinois – Convicted Pedophile Wins Millions In State Lottery

Department store employee Edgar Phipps led a quiet life and followed the same routine for years. All that changed last week, though, when he won a state lottery drawing that netted him almost $5 million.

When lottery officials verified Phipps’ identity, though, they say that a disturbing fact came up on his record. According to the Illinois State Lottery Commission, Phipps was a listed on the Illinois state sex offender registry.

“Oh, yeah. I forgot about that,” said Phipps. “Whoops.”

Phipps says he forgot about the multiple incidents of aggravated sexual contact with minors, technically classifying him as a pedophile. “Oh, yeah those,” said Phipps. “Well, that was me getting screwed by the system. They all said they were legal age, but they lied, so the state blamed me and then I had to go to jail for a few years or whatever, then they made me register when I got out. Thank God I don’t have any neighbors nearby or any schools around. I didn’t have to go door-to-door like those freaks do, introducing themselves to neighbors saying ‘Hi, I’m Ed and I’m on a sex pervert list,’ or anything embarrassing like that.”

Phipps claims he received treatment and counseling for a number of years after “the sex things,” and is fully cured. He received the check from the state lottery commission after it was learned that he had received counseling and did not re-offend.

“So anyway,” recalled Phipps, “I get home with the giant check and that’s when the trouble started. I had tons of emails and phone calls from people I didn’t know who must have Googled my name and found out about the sex things. Talk about invasion of privacy!”

According to Phipps, the emails were just the beginning. Phipps claims several of his windows were shattered, and his roof was damaged. “I guess the branch coming down on the roof wasn’t related to the sex thing, but the rocks through the window were a different story. But then again, we did have a really bad hail storm that day, and there was that F4 tornado…now that I think back on it.”

Empire News asked Phipps the number one question asked of every lottery winner: What do you plan on doing with the money?

“Well,” he answered, “last Christmas I had to cut some friends off my gift list, so I’m going to do a belated Christmas for everyone I missed, dressed up as Santa, of course!” On his list: a tricycle, a Little Suzy Easy Cookie Cake Oven, some stuffed animals, and several popular action figures which he plans on giving his friends.

“I’m the luckiest guy alive,” said Phipps. “I feel like I’m on top of the world!”

Phipps says he plans on quitting his department store job and will devote more time to his favorite hobby, taxidermy.

Entire Company Faces Sexual Assault Charges After Employee Tries To Kiss Woman Under Mistletoe

AURORA, Colorado – Entire Company Faces Sexual Assault Charges After Employee Tries To Kiss Woman Under Mistletoe

Garry Thompson, 27, is facing sexual assault charges after a company Christmas party went quickly downhill.

According to police reports, Thomson, who
had ‘a few drinks’ while celebrating with co-workers from Harrison Construction and Lumber, was encouraged to kiss a female co-worker who had been standing underneath a mistletoe. When Thompson went up to her, he leaned in to give her a peck on the cheek, and was immediately punched in the face and pepper sprayed.

His co-workers, and even boss and owner, Joel Harrison, who all laughed at the incident as it happened, assumed that it would be he end of the ordeal. But now, Thompson, Harrison, and every other male co-worker is facing serious charges, with Thompson himself facing possible rape charges.

“I don’t celebrate Christmas, and have never heard of the tradition of the misletoe, but either way there is no excuse for this type of behavior,” said Marissa Jones, the woman bringing suit against her now-former employer. “[Thompson] came up to me, and he was definitely drunk. I could see it in his eyes that he was totally trying to have sex with me. Before he could put his gross lips on my beautiful, womanly cheek, I punched him in the face, and then pepper sprayed him until he couldn’t stand up. I find it disgusting that men think they can kiss whomever they want during this time of year just because a person happens to be standing under a plant.”

Thompson claimed that the issue is being blown out of portion, and feels he did nothing wrong at all, as it was meant to be a simple gesture of caring and admiration, and that people have been doing it for eons.

“Obviously, I made a mistake in trying to kiss such a femi-nazi bitch,” said Thompson from his jail cell in Aurora. “Can you believe that now she’s trying to say I was a rapist? Plus, she’s suing the company for allowing this ‘sexual harassment’ to happen during a business function, and she’s trying to say that any man who laughed when it happened is an accomplice to rape! RAPE?! There were women laughing, too – I don’t see any of them getting labeled as rapists and hit with huge lawsuits. I swear, that is the last time I try to kiss anyone, ever.”

In light of the situation, Harrison has said that he will give Thompson the holiday off, “with pay,” to try to retain a lawyer.

 

 

Mall Santa Arrested For Possession of Child Pornography

PHOENIX, Arizona – Mall Santa Arrested For Possession of Child Pornography

A mall Santa in Phoenix was taken into custody late last evening, after it was reported by several security guards that the man may be taking nude photographs of children visiting him.

The Santa, who told police that his real name was Chris Kringle, was allegedly in possession of dozens of naked photos of children, both boys and girls, all who were wearing elf hats and shoes.

“This self-proclaimed Santa is a dirty, disturbing pervert,” said Cpt. Scott Calvin of the Phoenix Police Department. “We received reports that he was storing photographs of naked children inside his little pretend house that the mall had set up for him just outside the food court. When we arrested Kringle, we did discover Polaroid photos of what appear to be very young children, between the ages of 6 and 11. Kringle is being charged with felony possession of pornography and endangering the welfare of a child.”

According to police reports, Kringle is claiming that he is entirely innocent, and that it’s all a big misunderstanding.

“Those are not pictures of children,” said Kringle during police questioning. “Those are elves. Yes, I know they look like children, but elves like to blend in with people, so that’s how they appear. But I promise you, the pictures are of people who are hundreds, some even thousands, of years old. I know I have a problem, but it’s not with looking at naked children. That’s disgusting. I love children. The only problem I have is that I’ve betrayed my wife, Mrs. Kringle-Claus. I owe her a massive apology, and I hope she will forgive me.”

Police are currently trying to identify the children in the photos, but so far have come up short. A lawyer for Kringle said that he is ‘working tirelessly’ to get the charges dropped before December 24th, when he says that Kringle will need to be out delivering presents to all the good boys and girls of the world.

Major Retailers To Begin Referring To Christmas As ‘Presents Day’ Next Year

Major Retailers To Begin Referring To Christmas As 'Presents Day' Next Year
Target is just one of several major retail chains to change references of ‘Christmas’ to ‘Presents Day’

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

The holiday season is upon us once again, and with the holidays comes lots of shopping, decorating, and traveling. No matter what your religious beliefs may be, or how you decide to celebrate, this time has always been about spending time with the people you love.

Sadly, it appears that several major retailers have forgotten the true meaning of the season. Major chains including Best Buy, Target, and RadioShack, have made the decision to no longer use or acknowledge the word ‘Christmas’ or even ‘holiday’ in their marketing, but rather refer to December 25th as ‘Presents Day’.

“It makes perfect sense to me,” said Shane Owens, a seasonal cashier at Macy’s in New York City. “That’s all Christmas is to me really, the presents. I don’t really care about Jesus or religions at all. Most people don’t. All I’m worried about is getting a new iPhone, and some nice shoes. That is what Christmas is really about – presents. So I’m totally on board with the name change.”

Some stores, including Wal-Mart, say that they will not change their current marketing on holiday items.

“We sell a lot of Christmas, Hanukkah, and even Kwanza merchandise,” said Wal-Mart spokesman Carl Rollback. “We’re a very Christian-valued company, and as much stuff as well sell during the holidays to the masses of people looking to get new TVs, cell phones, and toys, we never want to take the Christ out of Christmas.”

“The more you buy for your friends and family, the more they will know that you love them,” said Target CEO Gary Reddot. “Christmas has lost all meaning, at least as word. Sure, plenty of people celebrate a Mass of Christ, for the birth of Jesus, blah blah blah. But most people who celebrate Christmas are just using it as an excuse to be as materialistic as possible. Those are the people we love.”

 

Christmas Carols Banned In NYC Schools Unless The Word ‘Christmas‘ Replaced With ‘Holiday’

NEW YORK, New York – Christmas Carols Banned In NYC Schools Unless The World ‘Christmas‘ Replaced With ‘Holiday’

New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio just declared war on Christmas, and he’s making the children pay the price. NYC schools and chorus programs will have to change their Holiday shows to exclude songs with the word ‘Christmas’, or replace it with the word ‘Holiday’. 

”I don’t hate Christmas, but it’s not about me, it’s about the thousands of children that don’t celebrate Christmas, and could find it offensive,” said de Blasio. “New York has always been the great melting pot, and our Muslim population has never been higher. After receiving complaints from Muslim leaders I’ve decided to cave in, basically. It’s not that big of deal really – it’s the time of year our schools put on their Holiday band and chorus shows, so just leave out songs that have the word ‘Christmas’ in them, or replace the word ‘Christmas’ with ‘Holiday’.”

“While we are at it, maybe it’s best not to have any songs with ‘Santa’ in them, either” said public school principal Mark DeWitt. “I agree whole-heartedly with the mayor on this decision. The important thing is not to offend anyone. ‘I’m dreaming of a white holiday’ is just as pretty as ‘white Christmas’. If we are all going to get along, we are going to have to change. And by ‘we’, I mean Americans are going to have to change.”  

“It’s insane! ‘White Holiday?’ ‘It’s Beginning To Look a Lot Like Holiday’? It’s just stupid,” said Chorus instructor Carmine Classi,” We need a Mayor with a backbone, this guy is so far left he makes Obama look like a conservative, this city is going right down the holiday shitter, if you ask me.”

President Obama Forcing Schools To Tell Children There Is No Santa Claus

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Obama Forcing Schools To Tell Children There Is No Santa Claus

President Obama today threatened to withhold federal funding to public elementary schools unless images of Santa are removed and students are taught that he is a fictional character. President Obama explained what is being called by the Republicans as the ‘Scrooge Clause’ in a statement earlier this morning.

”It’s time children stop believing in a jolly old man who brings them presents, when the truth is Santa didn’t bring those gifts, the government did,” said President Obama. “Those presents aren’t made by elves, they are made by companies, that stay in business thanks to government breaks. Santa’s reindeer didn’t help delivery those presents, they traveled by trucks on roads and highways built by the government. It’s time children realize there is no Santa, only big government, government that will take care of you from cradle to grave.”

“We believe that It’s time to take down those pictures of Santa and replace them with pictures of the White House, or better yet, pictures of our great President,” said Vice President Joe Biden. “Without our president, and without our government, there wouldn’t be any Christmas. Not to mention that most children in this country are getting presents bought by their parents with welfare money, and by their grandparents with social security. All the good boys and girls get toys bought with government handouts.”

Naturally, many people are outraged that the government would take a stand on Christmas, and force them to explain that Santa is fictional, which would cause many children to burst into tears. Republican leaders are especially upset, as they worry about what a world with no Santa could mean for the future of commerce.

“No Santa? Well that really is some communist, pinko bullshit,” said Senator Ted Cruz. ”I just want the kids out there to know, I believe in Santa. In my letter to Santa only asked for one thing, and that is to be your next President. Because when I’m President, I’m going to make a special holiday for Santa so he doesn’t have to share one with Jesus. I’m thinking we lose Martin Luther King’s Birthday since it looks like no one believes in his message of peace anyway, and make it Santa Day instead! With a little bit of Santa’s magic help, I will become your next President.”

 

World Famous Rockefeller Christmas Tree In NYC Turns Out To Be Artificial 

NEW YORK CITY, New York – World Famous Rockefeller Christmas Tree In NYC Turns Out To Be Artificial 

The world-famous Rockefeller Center Christmas tree, which draws millions of tourists to New York City each year and has been featured in countless holiday films over several decades, has turned out to be a literal big phony.

Suspicions arose when the tree’s installation this year took place under the cover of darkness, with no advance public announcement. The installation of the tree is a tradition observed since the early 1930s, rivaled only by the tree’s official lighting ceremony.

Rockefeller Center officials reluctantly revealed the ruse when rumors were confirmed that the upstate New York family who donated this year’s tree had a change of heart, and decided not to cut down the 85 foot tall Norway Spruce.

“My grandfather planted that tree almost 90 years ago,” said Bruce Connor, the tree’s current owner. “He loved Christmas and after we made the decision, we couldn’t sleep,” he said. “My wife was a wreck just thinking about the tree not being there anymore.”

There was no ‘backup’ tree considered, since the honor of having one’s tree become the centerpiece of a worldwide celebration has never before been rejected. “I hope people understand, said Connor. I hope the world understands.”

Initial reaction from tourists in New York City was subdued. “I don’t care if the tree is artificial or not,” said Alice Thomas, visiting with her family from Chicago. “We came here to take in the sights, ice skate at the rink, and do some shopping. I think it looks fine, and let’s face it – who likes sweeping up all those needles? I sure wouldn’t. It’s still beautiful.”

Environmental groups praised the action, calling it a step in the right direction toward conservation. A statement released by animal rights group PETA also endorsed Rockefeller Center’s move. In part it read, “The natural habitat of many woodland creatures was spared by this action taken by Rockefeller Center. Remember, people are animals too,” read the somewhat confusing press release.

“The tree looks pretty,” said six-year-old Tracey Thomas.“ It looks like a real tree, but bigger.”

Rockefeller Center spokesperson Marcia Bibb said there is no ill will held toward the Connor family, but said in the future an alternate tree would be considered. “All’s well that ends well,” said Bibb. “The environmentalists are happy, the Connors are happy, and the visitors seem to be enjoying the season as they do every year. Happy holidays!”

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