AMA Says They Are Removing Fibromyalgia From Official List of Medical Diagnoses

CHICAGO, Illinois – 

The American Medical Association has released new information about the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia, saying that they no longer believe that the disease actually exists.

“The doctors of the American Medical Association are constantly studying and working to research new and existing conditions, and over the year, Fibromyalgia has been a constant area of strife between medical professionals,” said AMA chairman Dr. Richard Kimball. “While many doctors claim that Fibromyalgia is a real disorder, after decades of study, we have decided to remove it from the official list of medical diagnoses, as research has proven that it does not actually exist.”

Although doctors generally agree that the pain experience by patients diagnosed with Fibromyalgia is very real, the actual reason behind it is not. As muscles, joints, and many other body parts contain a type of “memory,” it is believed now to be past or prior pain, both emotional or actual, physical injury, that causes the extreme discomfort suffered by Fibromyalgia patients.

“Fibromyalgia is basically a cop-out, if you will, for undiagnosable pain,” said Dr. Kimball. “When a doctor cannot find a reasonable explanation for the extreme pain suffered by a patient, they deem it Fibro, and that’s just not right. We need to further examine the causes of these pains. The muscles, the nerves, the bones – they all play a part in our health, as well as our frailty. Writing off phantom pains as a single disease is not only foolish, it could cause further harm to a patient who is not properly treated.”

According to Dr. Kimball, people currently being treated for Fibromyalgia should schedule a new appointment with their physicians and discuss alternative options. Currently, patients who receive disability benefits from the government after being diagnosed with extreme cases of Fibromyalgia will not be affected, although patients currently awaiting benefits will be denied claims.


Surgeons Remove Toy From Man’s Rectum For 37th Time

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama – empire-news-doctors-remove-toy-from-mans-rectum-37-times

A man was recently admitted to the Crestwood Medical Center in Huntsville, Alabama for surgery to remove a toy that had become lodged inside his rectal cavity. The man, whose full name is unknown but who doctors refer to as “Buzz,” has had the exact same procedure done previously an astounding 36 times, all at the same hospital within the last 3 years.

Doctors are well aware that Buzz’s story about how it happens is completely false, but they say it makes for a good laugh every time they see him limp through the door.

“He likes to say that his son leaves all his toys and action figures around, on the couch and on the chairs, and because Buzz doesn’t notice, when he sits down, there they go – to infinity and beyond. We humor him, because he’s got full insurance and the money is coming in.” said Dr. Timothy Allen, the surgeon who treats Buzz.

The hospital has tried to work with Buzz to see a sexual therapist, but Buzz refuses and insists that it is an accident, and he is not inserting characters inside himself for any sort of sexual thrill.

“I can believe once…maybe. I don’t even think I could believe it could happen twice.” Said Andy Davis, a nurse at Crestwood who has previously treated Buzz during his recovery from surgery. “I definitely cannot even think about this happening 37 times without this man really needing some professional help. He needs a therapist, or possibly a prostitute.”

When asked why the hospital continues to give him back the extracted toy after each surgery, Dr. Allen said the answer to that was the strangest part of the whole story.

“We’re not giving him the figure back. We discard it each and every time. Yet when he comes back to us, it’s the exact same toy.  The man must really like the way it feels…[or] if you believe his story, his son has the most boring toy collection imaginable.”

The hospital has said that they would continue to treat Buzz whenever he needed their services, although they did say they hope at least once he comes in with a flu or a broken arm.

Man With Disorder Has Hundreds Of Orgasms A Day; Says ‘Life is Amazing’

BOSTON, Massachusetts – orgasm

Scott Smith of Boston, Massachusetts, considers himself the luckiest man alive. For the last several years, Smith has suffered from Persistent Genital Arousal Syndrome, or PGAS. Five years ago, Mr. Smith injured his groin muscles while lifting and  mounting a big screen TV to the wall. On his way to the hospital, he says that he ejaculated ‘5 or 6 times,’ and the orgasms have not stopped since. 

“Life is amazing, just amazing,” said the 32-year-old. ”My girlfriend left me because I couldn’t last more than a minute or two. I lost my job because I kept ejaculating all over the place every few minutes. But you know, what? Who cares?! I’m orgasming hundreds of times a day, and it feels Goddamned amazing!”

Smith says that the orgasms can happen at any time, day or night, with little to no triggers.

“I never know what’s going to set it off. I like to go to the park and watch the joggers, or sometimes the mall, or even the subway – any where chicks hang out. When I orgasm, I’ll shout out ‘this one’s for you, baby!’ I can’t control it, so naturally I try to avoid playgrounds and elementary schools. Just because I cum hundreds of times a day doesn’t mean I’m a creep.”

Despite the amazing feeling that Smith receives literally hundreds of times a day, he says that PGAS does have its downsides.

“I started wearing diapers at night so I don’t ruin my sheets, and during the day I wear condoms or else I’ll go through tons of underwear. I used to just let them crust up, but that’s embarrassing when you have to do your laundry at the laundromat. I just change out the rubber when it gets full, but all things consider [PGAS] is like a gift from God that just keeps cumming and cumming.”

Smith says he is using internet dating sites to find a woman who has similar symptoms.

“PGAS is even more rare in women,” said Smith. “But if I can find a girl who cums as much as I do, we’ll be a match made in heaven!”


Man Has Baby Doll Surgically Implanted In His Body

 HOUSTON, Texas – Man Has Baby Doll Surgically Implanted In His Body

Houston transsexual Mark Miller not only claimed to be a woman trapped in a man’s body, but a pregnant woman trapped in a man’s body. In what many have called a ridiculous and unnecessary surgery, Mr. Miller has had a baby doll surgically implanted in his body. 

”Well, believe it or not, this surgery was covered by Obamacare. I don’t get paid to make moral decisions, but as long as I get paid, I’ll do whatever the patient wants,” said Miller’s surgeon, Stephen Smith. “After sterilizing the doll Mr. Miller brought in, the surgery was pretty straight forward. Curiously, he didn’t want the doll implanted inside him, he wanted it more, like…infused into his body. He’s a strange fellow. Regardless, Miller is doing very well, and if he is ever ready for a sex change, I’ll be there for him, because Obamacare covers that, too.”

“For the first time in my life, I feel complete,” said Miller. “I look great, I feel pregnant, and without all that yucky morning sickness. When I put on makeup and a dress and look in the mirror, I finally see my true self. It’s also going to help my sex life;  you would be amazed at how many men love a pregnant woman, especially one as hairy as I am. The best part is when you press my belly button, you can hear my baby doll say ‘Ma-Ma.’ I’ve never been happier.”

”You see, this why we have to repeal Obamacare,” said Senator Ted Cruz. “This is sick, and a slap in the face of God. If you want to be proud to be a Texan and an American again, vote for me to be the next President and I’ll repeal Obamacare and ship these homo-Americans to Massachusetts where they belong.”


MRI Scan Reveals Crayon In Man’s Brain, Doctors Say It Has Been There 40+ Years

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania – MRI Scan Reveals Crayon In Man's Brain, Doctors Say Its Been There For 40 Years

A local Pittsburgh man is feeling a lot better after an extended stay in a local hospital. What doctors found during a routine MRI of his head turned out to be something out of a horror story.

Luke O’Neil, age 47, was facing chronic headaches that had been persistent for years, but recently he also began experiencing fainting spells. The new symptoms made him visit his local emergency room, and what doctors found when taking a closer look at his brain is something they say they have never seen before.

“My first thought was Mr. O’Neil had a brain tumor, but after the MRI, we found that something was lodged into his brain,” said Doctor Reid. “It’s the first time in my career that I’ve seen anything like this.”

When they finally came to the realization that there was an object stuck up there, doctors instantly started surgery to get it out. The surgery took well over 10 hours, but after all the effort, doctors successfully removed the item, and O’Neil’s headaches ceased immediately.

O’Neil said that he felt completely different once doctors finished the surgery, and that it was like ‘a breath of fresh air’ for his head.

“I’ve always had trouble with headaches, growing up they’d come and go. Sometimes I’d have them for weeks at a time, sometimes they didn’t happen at all. But when they struck, they struck hard,” said O’Neil. “It was only the last few years that the fainting came with them. I can’t even remember a time when I didn’t have issues with my headache and pain.”

Doctors informed him that it had been a blue crayon that has been lodged in his brain, and when he was asked how it got up there, O’Neil began to laugh.

“I used to stick things in my nose a lot when I was a boy,” said O’Neil. “I didn’t realize that I forgot to take anything back out. My God, a crayon? It must have been up there since kindergarten.”

The crayon in his brain had apparently also made O’Neil color blind, and he wasn’t even aware of the issue. The doctor, who was wearing blue scrubs while attending to O’Neil, was shocked when he asked what color they were.

“Somehow, he lived most of his life with this crayon up his nasal cavity poking his brain. I believe that the crayon was actually hitting some important nerves connected to his eyes, and ironically he was never able to see the color blue before.”

“You’d think I’d have seen nothing but blue, you know? I’m just glad that the headaches are gone now. I’ll stick to colored pencils from here on out,” said O’Neil with a smile.

World’s First Pregnant Man: ‘I Can’t Wait To Get This Damn Thing Out of Me’

SAN DIEGO, California –

Back in 2009, Thomas Trace Beatie, a public speaker, author, and advocate for transgender and sexuality issues with a focus on trans fertility and reproductive rights, became the first man to become pregnant. Beatie, who was born a woman, had gender reassignment surgery in 2002, and later became known as ‘The Pregnant Man.’ It was Beatie’s pregnancy that gave doctors and researchers at Scripps Memorial Hospital in San Diego the idea of impregnating a natural born male.

Over the entire span of medical science, doctors believed human males did not have the anatomy needed for natural embryonic and fetal development. However, Dr. Paul Chambers, a pioneer of in-vitro fertilization, believed the theoretical idea of a male ectopic pregnancy (pregnancy outside the uterine cavity) by implantation could be completed with close monitoring, along with some modern medical intervention.

“I don’t see why it can’t be done,” said Chambers. “Why should women have all the fun, right fellas? We’ve worked very hard on the science and health risks involved. We studied the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie Junior, watching it over and over, and we don’t see why this can’t work, albeit with some strict monitoring. There won’t be any Lamze classes for our pregnant man, though.”

Dr. Chambers stresses that the concept of ectopic implantation, while theoretically plausible, had never been attempted and would be difficult to even justify to the scientific community. The need for justification, though, went out the window when they received a willing volunteer.

The 31-year-old man, who we will refer to as ‘Tom,’ volunteered for the experimental pregnancy when it was learned that his wife of six years could not get pregnant due to severe endometriosis. The risks were explained, and Tom consented.

“Even for women lacking a uterus – owing to the extreme health risks to both the parent and child, you can understand our concern for implanting a man,” said Dr. Miles Balderdash, a researcher for Scripps. “Regardless of our concerns, [Tom] was determined to give his wife a child. So we went ahead with it. I gotta say, the guy is a trooper.”

Doctors harvested several eggs from Tom’s wife, and fertilized the eggs with Tom’s sperm.

“Collecting the sperm was by-far the best part of this whole process,” said Tom. “They gave me a choice between video or magazines. I went with video. My wife doesn’t let me watch that sort of thing at home, but for science, for our baby, she said I could this once.”

Once a viable fetus was established from this fertilization procedure, Dr. Chambers implanted the fetus in Tom’s abdomen.

“Since a man does not have a uterus with the placenta, we attached the fetus to an the only internal organ the male has that could possibly sustain a fetus – the bowels,” Dr. Chambers said. He went on to explain that the colon area is made up of very vascular tissue, which can supply oxygen rich blood to the fetus. The colon is not as vascular as a uterus, but it is the most feasible choice to implant in a male.

Doctor’s at Scripp’s Memorial and researchers from San Diego State University Medical Center have been following Tom’s progress, and with proper medical treatment, he has been able to carry his baby for the past six months; However, doctors are becoming concerned.

“The weight of the baby is pushing his organs up into his chest cavity, and it is affecting his breathing. His blood oxygen levels are falling and putting the baby, and his health, at risk.”

“They’ve put me on bed rest for now,” Tom said as he wife tended to him. “As long as I keep my feet up and do as the doctors tell me, I’ll be able to give my wife the child she deserves.”

Doctors are obviously planning to deliver by Caesarean section. “We trust the doctors,” Tom’s wife said as she held her husband’s hand. “They’ve been so helpful this entire time. I just want a baby. [Tom] has been so strong this entire time. Women having been popping out babies for ages. It’s so exciting to know that we’ll be the first couple to have a baby that was grown in the father.”

Dr. Chambers noted that the abdomen is not designed to separate from the placenta during delivery, hence the danger of an ectopic pregnancy. “We never questioned whether this was going to work,” said Dr. Balderdash. “We more questioned whether [Tom] was going to live through it. He knew the risks, though, and we’re doing all we can to make sure he and the baby are safe.”

Currently Tom is still bed bound with his feet up and his wife tending to him as he breaths purified oxygen through a face mask. He says he feels great, and just can’t wait to get the ‘damn thing’ out of him.

Affordable Care Act Requires Euthanasia For Sick Seniors

MIAMI, Florida – Affordable Care Act Requires Euthanasia For Sick Seniors

Two years ago, Mildred Honeycutt, a senior and a resident of an assisted living community near Miami, Florida, was ecstatic about her new health coverage under the Affordable Care Act. Deemed ‘too affluent’ for Medicaid, she had found it impossible to get coverage due to her advanced age and several pre-existing medical conditions. Today she is singing a different tune.

“I went to see my doctor, because I’ve been tired all the time and I noticed I was bruising easily. They ran some tests, and it turns out I have leukemia. I asked the doctor what kind of treatment I would need, and he said that normally they would start chemotherapy and bone marrow transplants immediately. I asked him what he meant by ‘normally’, and he told me that those procedures for someone at my age aren’t covered. He said they are considered to be cost-prohibitive, meaning that the amount of time that they could extend my life was not deemed to be ‘worth the cost’.”

It gets worse. The approved treatment for someone in Mildred’s condition at her age is euthanasia. If she opts out of the approved treatment, meaning she will get to die naturally, the plan will not cover things like pain medication.

“It’s like they actually want to kill me. Either I let them do the same thing to me that they do to convicted murderers, or they’ll take my meds away and I’ll be in constant pain until I die naturally.”

An insurance underwriter from Blue Cross and Blue shield was willing to take a look at Mildred’s case on the condition of anonymity.

“It is pretty clear cut. They have all these financial de-escalators in place here, mostly buried in the fine print and shrouded in legalese. But, she is right. Her policy dictates that the only allowable treatment for her condition is euthanasia. If she refuses treatment, it will basically nullify her entire policy. She’ll wind up having to take Asprin for pain caused by her cancer, and she’ll have to pay for that out of pocket”

Mildred was understandably upset by the findings, and is unsure of what she is going to do. Even if she was to file a motion or suit, she would either be dead or too far gone to receive treatment before it ever got before a judge.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do. I know I’m going to die either way, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in agony. At the same time it seems wrong to just let them kill me like a feral dog. I am going to pray about it. It’s just not right,” said Mildred.

Whatever Mildred’s choice, she has a little over a week to decide. Her next appointment is coming up fast, and one way or another, it will be her last.

Food Scientist, Medical Doctors Slam Gluten-Free Diet Fad

USDA Warning- Gluten-Free Diets Cause Cancer


A new craze in the United States is gluten-free food items. Over the last few years, gluten-free items have been popping up left and right, and you can’t go to almost any food establishment without running into a menu item that is completely 100% gluten-free. Some people claim that they are so allergic to gluten that it can have the same effects on them as a peanut could to a person with a nut allergy.

In the day and age we live in there are so many different types of diets, supplements, and healthier food items out there it makes you wonder how people survived 60 years ago. With time we have learned that some people are allergic to certain foods such as shell-fish, peanuts, etc, and these allergies can be so serious as to cause death.

A scientist in San Antonio, Texas has found through testing, though, that this is not the case when it comes to gluten.

“I have done endless tests and examination on people who claim to be allergic to gluten,” said food scientist Dr. Phillip Ray. “I did test such as giving my subjects gluten and telling them I didn’t, and nothing ever happened. The funny thing is, when I gave my subject something without gluten, and claimed that it was not gluten-free, that is when they began to have reaction symptoms. I believe that it is all a mental complex, otherwise known as “stupidity,” and people want to believe they are being harmed by something that isn’t hurting them in the slightest. In fact, in case you weren’t aware, most people need gluten in their diets.”

So far, Dr. Ray is the only medical professional to try and make his theory known, publishing it in medical journals and securing spots on daytime talk shows, although most of his claims have already been backed up by medical science ages ago.

“Going ‘gluten-free’ in your diet has absolutely no health or diet benefits, and is a fad that has become commonplace, but really has no merit in the world of dieting,” said Dr. Joe Goldsmith, a specialist in allergies and disease. “Most people who lose weight on a gluten-free diet are only doing so because they are normally cutting out breads, wheats, and pastas – things that can, in large portions, cause an unhealthy weight. On the opposing end, though, unless you are extremely careful, a gluten-free diet will lack vitamins, minerals, and fibers your body needs.”

“If you don’t have celiac disease, eat your damn gluten,” said Dr. Ray. “You’re just making yourself look stupid when you go out to a restaurant and ask for a gluten-free menu. The waitress knows you don’t have celiac disease. The kitchen staff knows that you’re just being a picky bitch. You don’t have a wheat allergy. You’re just pretentious. You stop that nonsense immediately.”

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