Woman Sells Her 2-Year-Old Son On Craigslist To Get Money For Abortion

Posted on January 14, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

COMPTON, California –

Marlene Jones, 23, was arrested for attempting to sell her 2-year-old son Jamal to a couple via Craigslist. Jones says that she needed the money for an abortion.

“Look, I already hads the one kid, and it was too damn much just feeding his ass and shit,” said Jones. “Then I found out that Marques got me pregnant. Or Damien did. Or Leon. Shit, it don’t matter who the baby daddy is. Alls I’m saying is that no one was giving me no $400 to go get rid of the kid, so better to kill two birds with one stone, anyway.”

Jones says that getting pregnant with her son Jamal was also an accident, and it ‘ruined her life.’

“Everyone kept telling me to keep him. They saying stuff like ‘Oh, you don’t want him now, but carry the baby and when he comes out you’ll never love anything more,'” said Jones. “I don’t know why I be listening to dumb bitches. I love plenty of things more. I love my Gucci bag more than Jamal for shit sake. I definitely ain’t about to be having no other one.”

The couple who were planning on purchasing Jamal said that they were “only doing it to help the child,” and see that he didn’t stay in an unwanted home. They are being charged in separate crimes by police.

‘Hobo-ing,’ Pretending To Be Homeless, Latest Trend Among Privileged Youth

Posted on January 14, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BEVERLY HILLS, California –

An odd new trend has been started in high-end and rich cities across the country, and it seems to have started with a group of teens in Beverly Hills. “Hobo-ing,” or sometimes “hoboing,” is what the kids are calling it when they leave their extremely nice homes and mansions, and spend a night on the street begging for change.

“It started out as a mockery of the homeless, because they’re a disgusting, shitty people,” said Brian Jones, 16. “A few of us were out in LA one night, and we saw a homeless man dead on the street. It was sad and pathetic. But, he had a cup full of change, and we realized that pretending to be a bum was an easy way to supplement our incomes.”

Although Jones’ family owns one of the largest construction companies in the United States, worth an estimated $3.9 billion dollars, he says he gets a huge thrill out of pretending to be a bum.

“It’s kind of cool. I don’t shave for a few days, I throw on some old, torn jeans, and I get to hang out in extremely seedy parts of the city,” said Jones. “It’s hilarious, really, because the old jeans I wear when I go out are designer; they cost about $600. It makes me laugh a little whenever I slip them on to go out into the alleys.”

Teens across the country have begun dressing like homeless people and going out, late at night, to pretend to be poor and filthy.

“I have a little bit of a heroin problem now, like a lot of the other homeless people out there, but it’s all good,” said Jones. “I mean, the great thing about pretending to be homeless is that I still have a real bed to go sleep in, and my family can send me to the best rehab. I feel bad for those homeless fucks out there. But hey, I made almost $30 bucks begging the other day. What a damn hoot!”

‘Ultra Smoking’ Trend Proves Deadly As Cancer Rates Skyrocket

Posted on December 12, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGLES, California –

In the ghettos of South Central, Los Angeles in California, young African-American men have turned to a new trend referred to as “ultra smoking,” or sticking as many cigarettes in as many orifices as possible when smoking. Ultra Smoking apparently started last year, and the trend quickly spread.

“Oh man, I’ve seen some mothafuckas who smoke a whole pack at once,” said ghetto thug Jamal ‘Crazy Crack’ Jones. “My boy Dion, that boy usually smoke three or four cigarettes at once in his mouth, couple in each nostril, even sometimes he’ll stick a few in his ass. I guess those ones are the hardest to inhale, but that dude, he figured it out.”

Doctors warn that the litany of ways that young black men can die, including sickle cell and gangland shootings, “ultra smoking” is the least of their concerns.

“Frankly, we don’t see that this so-called ‘ultra smoking’ will really make their lives any worse,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Cambridge University in Boston. “Most of these men will die young anyway. Between prison, gun violence, and white cops who don’t check their own privilege before firing off their guns, yeah, ultra smoking is dangerous, but not as dangerous as all the other activity these gang bangers get involved in.”

Other people aren’t so sure that Ultra Smoking should be considered a hip, new trend, though. Researchers as the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute found that smoking more than one cigarette at a time is 37% more likely to kill you, especially when you smoke the cigarettes through your ass.

Mother Shocked To Find Child’s Pillow Pet Stuffed With Heroin

Posted on December 1, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CLEVELAND, Ohio –

A Cleveland mother, Sandy Cofax, said she was shocked to discover that her son’s prized toy, a stuffed animal that he lovingly calls Pillow Bear, was stuffed with over 2 pounds of heroin. The manufacturer, Pillow Pets, says that they definitely do not stuff their products with street drugs.

“I couldn’t believe it even when I saw it,” said Cofax. “I noticed Pillow Bear had a rip in him, and so I figured I’d stitch him up. But, he was getting a little limp, so I thought I’d throw some more stuffing in him as well. That’s when I got the shock of my life.”

Cofax says she immediately called the local police, as well as the Pillow Pets company.

“We have determined, in working with local police, that the pillow in question was not purchased new, and as such, we cannot control what others may have put inside our pets,” said company spokesman Stephen Slothe. “We have many, many children who go to sleep cuddling their Pillow Pets every night, and we can honestly say that less than 1% of them are probably stuffed with hard drugs.”

Police say that they have confiscated the drugs and Pillow Bear, but that they plan to return the animal once the investigation has concluded.

TSA To Begin Using Drug-Sniffing Cats At Airports

Posted on November 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Transportation Security Administration, the agency responsible for security at all U.S. airports, said that they are beginning to switch from drug-sniffing canines to drug-sniffing cats at security checkpoints. The change comes after a 4-year-old with past dog-related trauma was hospitalized when he suffered a mild heart attack at the sight of one of LAX’s dogs.

“Cats, although much more difficult to train, can smell drugs, too” said TSA spokesman George Richards. “They’re not quite as adept at it, because their noses don’t work like a dog’s, but they can certainly smell cocaine, marijuana, and catnip with no issue.”

Cats, which unlike dogs are notorious assholes, are internet sensations in their own right, but there are many concerns that a cat will not be able to find most of the drugs that may slip through TSA security, leaving a major hole in our nation’s plane travel.

“We are very aware that cats will not find everything that comes through, but frankly, neither do the dogs,” said Richards. “There will still be backups, such as our TSA agents, working the checkpoints, just as there has always been. Frankly, we just want to make sure that people are safe, and if dogs are going to be an issue, then cats are the next logical step.”

Richards says that cats will become the norm at all major airports by the end of 2016.

Upstart Company Designs Vaporizer For Use With Smoking Crack Cocaine

Posted on October 23, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

A new company based out of New York City claims they have invented a modified version of a vaporizer machine, used mostly by hipsters and often referred to as ‘vaping,’ for using in smoking crack cocaine. The machines, which currently use a liquid ‘juice’ that contain only some of the ingredients found in cigarettes, are often allowed where cigarettes are not, as they don’t contain the same types of harmful chemicals when exhaled.

“We invented a machine that would allow crack smokers to get their fix more openly, and with a more smooth feeling,” said CrackRockers CEO Joe Goldsmith. “We are all heavy vapers, and that honestly lead to some other drugs for us. I only ever smoked cigarettes. Then I got into e-cigs. Then vaping. And then eventually weed, and from there, it was all downhill.”

After an arrest in 2013 for smoking crack in a public place, Goldsmith says he “got his shit together,” and started CrackRockers.

“I took one of my old vaping machines, and I modified it heavily to be able to accept crack rocks,” said Goldsmith. “It took me over a year to get a machine that worked, but we ended up with was a vape that allowed crack smokers to enjoy all the highs that crack offers, but without tasting like you’re smoking plastic out of a homeless man’s unwashed asshole.”

Goldsmith says that he is currently working to patent the product, and that he hopes, with less-strict regulation on drugs in many states, to have the item available to the public within the next year.

Drug Epidemic Hits Harder As ‘Diet Heroin’ Makes Its Way To Streets In U.S.

Posted on October 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUGUSTA, Maine –

You wouldn’t expect a place like quiet, rural Maine to be at the epicenter of a nationwide drug epidemic, but the capital city, Augusta, is experiencing a massive influx in O.D.s and hospitalizations as a new street drug, ‘diet heroin’ has hit the streets and become popular with the youth.

Diet heroin is almost identical in nature to regular heroin, an opiate, except that diet heroin will help to keep those pesky, drug-fueled pounds from forming around your mid-section.

“Frankly, I was scared to heroin, mostly because I didn’t want to get fat,” said Jennifer August, of Bangor, Maine. “My friends all started doing diet heroin, though, and none of them gained any weight. In fact, most lost a ton. Now I can party-hardy on the weekends, but not get fat, either. I’m pretty stoked.”

As popular films over the years, such as the sleeper film Trainspotting, glorified heroin use, teens across the country began using it in record numbers. Lately, as more and more doctors become flippant about their prescriptions, many adults also became hooked on heroin, after being prescribed pain killers such as Oxycontin. When those prescriptions would run out, the users turned to heroin – which is much cheaper and easier to obtain than Oxy on the streets.

“I was paying $20 a pill for Oxys, so basically I was having to sell my mouth to make the pain go away,” said Joe Goldsmith. “I switched to heroin when I realized how much cheaper it was. That worked, but I was kinda fat. Now I go with diet heroin. It’s a little pricer, but still, I don’t look so bloated. It’s great! I’m still in tons of pain and I’m throwing up a lot. I’ve been in the hospital 5 or 6 times, but hell. You have to do what you have to do to not feel the pain while keeping the weight off.”

Johnson & Johnson Plans To Raise Price of Tylenol To $500 Per Pill

Posted on September 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DELUTH, Mississippi –

After hedge-fund magnate Martin Shkreli announced that he would be raising the prices of Daraprim, a drug used to fight AIDS, from $13.50 to $750 per pill, several other companies decided to follow suit by drastically raising prices, including Johnson & Johnson, the trademark owners for the drug Tylenol.

“Frankly, a lot more people get headaches than have AIDS in this country,” said Johnson & Johnson spokesman Larry Myers. “If [Shkreli] is going to raise his prices on such a niche drug, and people will still have to buy it, then Tylenol is in an even better position to raise prices, as many, many more people use Tylenol on a regular basis than would ever use Daraprim.”

Myers says that the average cost of an individual Tylenol pill previously was about 17 cents, or about $8.99 for a bottle of 50 Tylenol pills. Tylenol PM, which is their number-one selling version of Tylenol, sold for about 27 cents previously, or about $13.99 for a bottle of 50.

“Tylenol PM, which many people in North America rely on to sleep easily at night, and wake up pain-free, will also be dramatically increased as well,” said Myers. “We expect to fetch around $800 per pill for the PM version of our flagship drug.”

Myers says that the price increase will not happen overnight, but that consumers should expect to see prices rising slowly over the next several months.

“If Shkreli can do it with Daraprim, then we can do it, too,” said Myers. “I sincerely hope that other drug companies realize that they should not be giving away their product so cheaply, and follow suit by bending customers over, and painfully raping them hard, right in their wallets. If only that monetary rape was a pain they needed Tylenol to get rid of, too.”

Lemonade Stands A Thing of the Past? Children In Colorado Starting ‘Weed Stands’

Posted on August 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOULDER, Colorado –

It’s been over a year and a half since marijuana was legalized in Colorado for recreational use, and it seems that the state has been doing extremely well. With a massive influx in cash, the state has been able to use the money for better their police and firehouses, to fix and maintain roadways, and for supercharging the education system.

It’s the last part that has gotten some children notice lately, as last week, two 11-year-old boys in Boulder began selling marijuana at a roadside stand. The two say they got the idea during their 5th grade math class.

“Our teacher, Mr. Ames, he told us we could do anything we wanted in life, including selling drugs!” said Joey Goldsmith, 11. “I never thought about it before, but now that weed is legal, anyone can get it. Well, anyone over 18. Thankfully, I have an older brother and he gets and smokes it all the time, so he lets me take some and my buddy Mike and I sell it in my front yard.”

Joey says that he and Mike have made over $4,000 in just under 6 days, selling medical-grade marijuana to the people of their suburban neighborhood.

“It’s a really great idea,” said Mike Falkner, also 11. “I took my $2,000, and I bought an XBox One and a PS4. It’s pretty awesome!”

Both children say their parents have been “very supportive” of their marijuana stand, and plan to help them in any way they can.

“With the amount of money that Joey is making, I was actually able to take more time off from work so that I could help them sell,” said Marlene Goldsmith, Joey’s mother. “I was a pediatric nurse making $11.50 an hour, so frankly, there’s more money in dealing.”

Authorities say they have checked on the status of the marijuana stand, and that the boys have done everything legally, including getting a dispensary license and filing forms with the state as a legitimate LLC.

New Drug Craze In Teens Poses Huge Risk; Kids Huffing Milk To Get High

Posted on July 3, 2015 by JP

SANTA ANA, California –

A new substance has become a hot topic issue in recent weeks, after a local mother found her son collapsed in his room under the influence of a new drug. While current well-known drugs such as Molly, marijuana, and Adderall have become a well-known way for teenagers to get high, new reports of a common household item being abused is now under investigation by the DEA.

According to reports, teens are now huffing milk to get high. A recent double-blind study shows that at least 73% of children between the age of 11-19 have admitted to having huffed milk at least one time. The street name for this deadly new trend is called “Cookie Monstering,” or sometimes simply “dipping the cookie.”

“It has to be the easiest way for a child to get high, and every nearly child can get his hand on some milk,” said Corey Wright, a DEA agent who has been tracking milk huffing for almost a year. “We initially received several reports from police stations of kids admitting they were huffing milk, but at first thought the children just didn’t want to admit to using other drugs. After a huge amount of complaints from parents though, we finally decided to give this ‘getting high on milk thing’ a closer look.”

Scientist Betsy Heffer explains that the extra hormones in milk give off a happy, elated feeling, and in a closed container being inhaled over and over again, milk can cause the same effects as the street drug Ecstasy.

“The more potent the milk, the stronger the high,” said Heffer in a recent statement. “Basically, if you buy only whole milk, your kids can get dangerously high. As you go down, to say 2%, 1%, or skim milk, the high becomes less intense, although it is still there. Certain flavored milks, like pre-bottled chocolate or coffee milks are the worst, though. They contain extra sugars, which when mixed with the added hormones in milk can cause a high unlike most any other drug kids can get.”

The DEA is requesting parents keep their milk locked up, and that they closely monitor their children during times of drinking milk or using it in cereals, oatmeals, etc.