Foster Parents ‘Rent Out’ Child In Exchange For Crack

Foster Parents 'Rent Out' Child In Exchange For Crack

BALTIMORE, Maryland – 

Think you had bad parents? Reggie and Amanda Knowlton have been charged with criminal neglect and child endangerment after allegedly “renting” there foster child, whose name has not been released, to settle drug debt.

Although neither party has commented, the pair allegedly alerted police when their daughter had been missing for five days.  Police became suspicious of their involvement in the kidnapping when the couple admitted the girl had gone with her “uncle Larry” for a visit, days before, and that it had taken this long for them to file a missing persons report.

The twelve year old girl was recovered from Larry Cosley’s van, when local police happened upon his vehicle in an abandoned lot. Officer Brown says the girl is receiving medical care for the alleged rape. “She’s still in shock. Cosley did not admit to any crimes involving the girl, but when crack cocaine was discovered, he did admit to holding the girl as collateral until he was paid.”

Text messages tell a different story.  The Knowltons appear to have agreed to trade her for one night to settle past debt. They then agreed to let her stay another night if she would be returned the next day with “an eight ball” of cocaine.

Study Proves That Oxygen Is World’s Worst Gateway Drug

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BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A new study by Harvard medical students has proven unequivocally that oxygen – the air that all mammals breathe in to sustain life – is the most intense ‘gateway drug’ that there is.

“For years, people have been touting marijuana as a gateway drug to trying other, harder, more fun and exciting drugs,” said Harvard researcher James Franz. “Our study shows, though, that there are many, many people who will try marijuana in their lives, and never go on to try any other drugs. On the other hand, though, there is not a single person who has tried marijuana that has not tried breathing oxygen first, making it the most powerful gateway drug we’ve ever seen.”

Researchers agree that although on some occasions marijuana users may go on to try more drugs and seek new experiences, most of them will never bother.

“I’ve been smoking weed since I was 16,” said researcher Kevin Heart. “I’ve never even had the slightest interest in trying anything else. I smoke every single day, and it’s amazing – why continue on? But, that said, I did try oxygen first, so that really was my gateway. Oxygen is a real fickle bitch, if you know what I mean.”

The Harvard researchers say that they are also looking into the correlation between people who drank water growing up who later became alcoholics.

Man Claims He Was Abducted By Aliens, Forced To Probe Them

Man Claims He Was Abducted By Aliens, Forced To Probe Them

LEXINGTON, Kentucky – 

Paul Young, 32, of Lexington, Kentucky, says that he was abducted by aliens sometime last month, and despite what people are always saying, the aliens had no desire to probe him anally.

“To be honest, I was kinda looking forward to a little anal probing from some intergalactic sex gods,” said Young to a local newspaper. “They were completely turned off by the idea, though. Turns out, aliens prefer for us to do the probing on them. It was still a really surreal experience.”

Young says that while walking through town late at night in mid-March, he spotted a hovering object on the horizon, and no sooner had he been able to get a look at it and try to comprehend what he was seeing, it vanished.

“It literally just ‘poofed!’ out of the air, and it was gone,” said Young. “I naturally thought I was imagining it, because I was tripping something major on some great shrooms, but then out of nowhere, it appeared over my head, and a giant beam of green light came down, washing over me. I got really warm, and then I was sucked up into their ship.”

Young claims that he was kept on board their spacecraft for over a week, while they forced him to probe their anuses, massage their tenticles, and cook them food.

“It really wasn’t that bad. I kind of liked it, actually,” said Young. “It’s been hard to find a man down here, and they really knew how to treat a guy up there in the ship. Honestly, I hope that they come back again. I’m always down for a little more probing, if you know what I mean.”

New Teen Trend Has Kids Licking Each Other’s Hair To Get High

New Teen Trend Has Kids Licking Each Other's Hair To Get High

GROVER, Mississippi – 

A new trend amongst teens and young adults throughout most of the midwest has emerged, and it’s one of the weirdest ones yet. According to Hardline Magazine, a popular periodical for teens, kids in Mississippi have begun licking each other’s hair in order to get high.

From Hardline:

It was amazing to us too, but human hair is apparently a very powerful psychedelic with a great ‘body high,’ and teens have begun licking each other in record numbers.

Dr. Richard Kimble, of Floyd Memorial Hospital in Grover, Mississippi says that he’s already seen 2 teens overdose, and that he’s extremely scared that it could become an epidemic if not controlled immediately.

“These teens, they don’t understand that even if they are getting high off licking each other’s hair, your hair contains millions and millions of microbes that can cause illness or death,” said Dr. Kimble. “Aside from just the gross things like possible lice or dandruff, there are also various bacteria that could render you completely paralyzed, comatose, or violently ill. I am warning all parents to watch for signs of your child licking hair.”

Dr. Kimble says that parents can look for swollen eyes, thick, cotton-like mouth, and also blisters on the tongue.

“I don’t even care what the doctors say, I’ve never been so fucking high in my life,” said Louis Carter, 16. “I lick my girlfriend’s hair all the time, and she licks mine. We have also experimented with licking armpit hair, and also licking pubic hair. Armpit hair didn’t get me high, but pubic hair led to some great sex. Only hair on the head will give you the trip, though.”

“If you suspect that your teen might be addicted to licking hair, please, get them help immediately. If you believe your child has been having his or her head licked, then please shave their head, while they sleep if necessary, and put a stop to this horrid drug abuse quickly.”

Shire Pharmaceutical Company Announces Plans To Release Adderall As Over-The-Counter Medication

Shire Pharmaceutical Company Announces Plans To Release Adderall As Over-The-Counter Medication

DETROIT, Michigan –

Shire, PLC, the company that manufacturers the prescription drug Adderall, has reportedly reached an agreement with the federal government to have their drug’s schedule 2 status removed, and allow for over-the-counter purchases in stores. Currently, Adderall, which is used in the treatment of ADHD in children, teens, and adults, is only available through prescription from a doctor or license medical professional.

“We have finally reached an agreenement with the necessary agencies and we can announce that Adderall will become fully available, in multiple strengths, in an OTC, or over-the-counter manner, starting later this year,” said Shire spokesman Andy Roider. “We as a company feel that most people know when they have attention or focusing problems, but they need to see a doctor to get a prescription, and that’s a hassle. This will cut out the middle man.”

Adderall, which is one of – if not the most – abused prescription drugs in the United States, is commonly taken by high school and college-aged students who want to stay awake for long periods of time, whether it be to study or to party.

“Oh man, I took like 400mg of Addie the other day,” said high school junior Mark Dodson. “I’ve been up since Saturday. Seriously, it’s fucking awesome. I love Adderall. But they’re like $10 a pill right now, and it’s insane. I can’t wait for them to be legal to just buy. I’ll get mine at Wal-Mart in bulk. It’s going to be so amazing.”

Many parents are upset that their children will have regular access to the drug, and say that it’s only going to increase the amount of kids who are abusing it.

“It’s bad enough that they legalized weed in Colorado where we live, now they’re going to just let my kid start taking pills legally, too?” said a mother of a 15-year-old teenage girl, Kelsey, in Aspen. “I’ve gotten Kelsey off of marijuana, cigarettes, booze, tar, crack, and molly – now I’m going to have to get her off her anticipated Adderall addiction. Wow, thanks big pharma.”

The drug is slated to be downgraded in the fall, pending government sign-off.

Fast Food Restaurants Busted For Selling Drugs Through 24-Hour Drive-Thrus

Fast Food Restaurants Busted For Selling Drugs Through 24-Hour Drive-Thrus

PROVIDENCE, Rhode Island – 

Several fast food restaurants in Massachusetts and Rhode Island, including 2 Wendy’s locations, a McDonald’s, and a Taco Bell, were raided recently by DEA agents after a tip lead them to discover workers selling drugs through each restaurant’s 24-hour drive thru.

According to police reports, over a dozen arrests were made at local Providence fast food restaurants when DEA agents were given an anonymous tip that several fast food workers – some who actually had jobs at multiple locations – were providing marijuana, prescription pills, and even heroin along with a customer’s Big Mac and fries.

“About two months ago, it was brought to our attention that a minor female who worked the drive-thru counter at a local Wendy’s was selling marijuana, using the restaurant as a base,” said DEA agent Alex Jergens. “We watched several customers use the drive-thru as normal, ordering a regular meal, but asking for an ‘extra side’ of muenster cheese – something none of the restaurants have on their menus. This was the code word we were looking for, and we were able to take down the first person.”

From there, says Jergens, it was easy to spot the locations that were selling drugs.

“We would go through, ask for some food, and ask for extra Muenster. If they didn’t bat an eye or question it, 9 times out of 10 we’d get some drugs from them – unusually, they were even at ‘fast food’ pricing, super cheap. Sometimes though, they were just lazy employees who didn’t want to explain they didn’t have that cheese, and we’d get American on our burger like normal. That’s okay, we like food, too. Gotta eat, even while on the case.”

In total, 14 arrests were made, with 4 of the arrests already coming back in positive convictions for drug dealing.

“We really lucked out with this one. These restaurants, they’re the perfect cover for drug operations. I cant’ say I blame them for wanting to supplement their income. God knows that these kids, they’re making shit money working fast food, but still – the law is the law, and I gotta uphold it. I’m like the Judge Dredd of drugs, I like to say.”

All the restaurants involved say they are planning on performing “internal investigations” into the matter, and most say they are planning on hiring completely new staff from janitors through general managers.

New York Becomes First State to Legalize Heroin

New York Becomes First State to Legalize Heroin

NEW YORK, New York – 

The state of New York made history this week, following on the heels of the wave of marijuana legalizations across the country. Recreational use of heroin will become fully legal in the state by the end of this year.

The decision was met with controversy, but “no more or less than the original decision to legalize marijuana,” Governor Andrew Cuomo stated. The state is still figuring out some guidelines and ground rules for suppliers, such as purity levels, permits, and health code requirements.

One of the major points in making this decision came from the number of dealers and users of the drug who repeatedly end up in New York’s correctional facilities.

“By legalizing, monitoring, and taxing heroin, we will not only cut down on inmates and care costs, but also open up a whole new job market,” Cuomo explained. “It’s a good situation all around, especially for taxpayers.”

A program is already in its early stages to rehabilitate and compensate imprisoned heroin dealers to return to society and act as the leading distributors, hoping to speed up this process while simultaneously reintroducing inmates to society.

Some of the decision’s most outspoken opponents, however, have been current dealers.

“Making it legal is a terrible idea,” a dealer, who chooses to remain anonymous, told us. “We don’t want it regulated. We make good money how it is now, but regular guys like me won’t be able to keep up with all the government regulations. This is gonna put me out of a job!”

Nonetheless, experts estimate this act will drop the state’s debt by as much as 50% in the first year. This may translate into tax cuts, more public projects, better road maintenance, and possibly even government rehabilitation programs for more dangerous drugs like cigarettes.

Governor Cuomo did not comment on whether or not he is a user himself.

Former Patriots, Broncos Cornerback Marquice Cole Overdoses On Marijuana

DENVER, Colorado – Former Patriots, Broncos Cornerback Marquice Cole Overdoses On Marijuana

Controversy arose today in Denver, Colorado, as free agent NFL Cornerback Marquice Cole, formerly of the Denver Broncos, became yet another  documented case of overdose on the drug marijuana.

Marijuana, commonly known by the street name “weed,” was made legal in the state of Colorado in 2012 when Colorado Amendment 64 was passed through the state legislature. On January 1st, 2014, the first legal “weed shops” were opened to much controversy. Since then, several people throughout the state have overdosed from smoking large amounts of the drug, and there are at least 2 confirmed deaths in relation to smoking or eating marijuana.

Cole has stated that he was not a user before the law was passed, but as soon as it became legal and easy to get, it was all he was doing in his off time.

“It’s hard, when you’ve got as much money as us pro-athletes do, not to spend that cash somewhat…unwisely, at certain points,” Said Cole from his hospital room in Benchley Memorial Hospital, just outside Denver. “I bought cars and normal things, but as soon as weed became legal, and people were doing it all the time around me, I started spending my money there. It was crazy how much I was buying.”

Cole stated that a friend first offered him marijuana, and he instantly became hooked, a claim that most people who smoke weed have also reported. Cole says he started visiting multiple dispensaries throughout the day to buy as much as he could, purchasing the legal limit at each shop, as well as spending money on “how-to” books, and materials needed to grow in his own home. He claims that before he overdosed, he was smoking upwards of a pound or more in a day.

“It’s sad, really, that people think you can’t get ‘too high.’ That you can’t overdose. It can happen if you’re smoking enough,” Said Dr. Emmett Brown, who is specialist at Benchley Memorial dealing with drug addictions and overdose cases. “Usually we see cocaine or heroin abuse amongst athletes and celebrities, but there is no doubt that someday the puff-puff-pass could make you end up in the ER.”

“If I had it all to do over again, I would probably cut back a bit,” Says Cole, who is expected to recover from his overdose, albeit with several weeks of physical therapy. “This might have ruined my life. It might have ended my life. It certainly will be putting a huge damper on my career.”

So far, there has been no movement by the Colorado government to repeal the law, despite mounting pressures from activists and anti-marijuana crusaders throughout the state, as well as the rest of the country. Cole himself hopes that his ordeal will make people think twice before getting hooked on marijuana.

“I wish I’d never tried it, honestly,” said Cole in an impassioned speech to reporters and fans. “To any kids out there, just know, that no matter what they say, a drug is a drug – and it can ruin everything.”

As of this writing, no word on whether Cole will face any suspensions or penalties from the NFL.

Rhode Island State Legislature To Reinstate Death Penalty, Will Allow For Drug Crimes

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Rhode Island State Legislature To Reinstate Death Penalty, Will Allow For Drug Crimes

Tuesday, President Barack Obama signed off on a new piece of Rhode Island legislation that would revive the state’s death penalty, allowing lethal injection not only for malicious physical crimes, but also for drug-related crimes.

After decades of not having a death penalty option in the state of Rhode Island after it’s abolishment in 1984, the option will once again be given to judge and juries throughout the state on high-level crimes.

According to lawmakers, it was the people of Providence, Rhode Island who started the petition to bring back the death penalty throughout the state.

“With the crime rate as it stands in Providence, people want to make the streets safer, and that’s what we’re trying to accomplish,” said Jorge Elorza, Providence’s Mayor, during a press conference. “At one point, Rhode Island was a small state, with maybe one execution every few years, based on violent crimes like rape and murder. Now, with this new legislation, those crimes can also be expanded to include the dealing or use of marijuana, driving under the influence, and higher levels of assault charges. We want to keep Rhode Island safe, for all people and future generations.”

“By approving this option for the State of Rhode Island, I am not endorsing the death penalty,” said President Obama. “Please understand, it is the voters choice, and I am only the last line on a very long process of paperwork. The state and cities have spoken, and I am proud to be able to give them the ability to make themselves feel safer.”

Rhode Island lawmakers say that the process to have any changes made to current punishments is a slow-moving one, but that they anticipate the death penalty to be on the table for several crimes by the end of the year.

8 Texas Girls Scouts Arrested In Drug Trafficking Bust

DEL RIO, Texas – 8 Texas Girls Scouts Arrested In Drug Trafficking Bust

8 girl scouts have been arrested for delivering more than just addicting cookies to homes in Del Rio, Texas. The girls have been accused of working closely with a Mexican drug cartel, delivering cocaine door-to-door in cookie boxes. The names of the girls are being withheld due to their ages, ranging from 12 to 14.

“At this time, we are not sure how long the cartel has been using girl scouts,” said Del Rio Sheriff Wayne Walker. “The truth is, we stumbled on it accidentally when two of the girls delivered a box of cocaine to one of my deputies instead of dropping off the Samoas and Thin Mints he ordered.”

According to Walker, Deputy Johnson received a ¼ kilo of cocaine instead of the boxes of cookies he was expecting.

“We started surveillance of the girls immediately after, and made the bust when we were sure we had the major players. In total we apprehended 8 girl scouts, 6 customers, and one driver. We also recovered a van full of thin mints with each box containing ½ kilo of cocaine, with a total street value of approximately 20 million dollars, plus about $120 in cookies.”

I’m not sure why the Thin Mints delivered to my house only had a ¼ kilo instead of a ½ kilo of cocaine,” Deputy Johnson said via Skype while on vacation in Aruba. “It’s one of those mysteries we’ll never figure out I guess. The girls have lawyered up, and they’re not talking.”

Girl Scout Spokesperson Sally Smith says that you can’t blame the girls, and that they are just doing their best.

“These girls were obvious troubled youths. The Girl Scouts of America pride themselves of turning troubled girls around to a righteous path, but unfortunately we can’t help everyone,” said Smith. “With the knowledge that these girls had been selling cocaine, though, we have decided to give them their ‘Big Earner’ merit badge, which goes to only the most tenacious girls who are definitely future entrepreneurs!”

 

 

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