Pee-Wee Football Coach Encourages Fathers To Bully Their Sons, Says ‘It Will Make Them Better Athletes’

Posted on November 15, 2014 by Chip

APPLEFORD, Alabama –

Pee Wee football coach Rick Daggil is in hot water with his Appleford, Alabama community after allegations surfaced that he encouraging his players father’s to bully their sons in order to make them better athletes.

The allegations came to light early last week when Helen Wickerman, the mother of 11-year-old Bobby Wickerman, spoke out against the coach.

“My husband, Derek, was being exceptionally cruel to our son over the last 2 months, ever since he started playing football. Initially I thought my husband was just stressed out about work and taking it out on Bobby, but after awhile I realized there was a far more sinister unfolding. After Derek made Bobby take a 30 minute bath in ice water as punishment when he left his backpack on the living room floor, I knew something was seriously wrong.”

Upon confronting her husband about his abusive behavior, Helen discovered that Derek had been told to bully their son Bobby by Daggil. Derek stood by the advice he received from Coach Daggil, and told his wife “Coach Daggil has been shaping young boys into powerful men since I was a zygote. Who am I to question his direction?”

After receiving several complaints from concerned mothers, Coach Daggil decided to use the outlets he has available and conducted an interview with a local high school’s online news publication.

Within the exclusive interview, Coach Daggil defended his coaching techniques and methods by saying “you will not turn a soft boy into a man by coddling him – if parents want their sons to have any chance of playing pro-ball they need to stop treating them with love and get in their face. I can damn well guarantee you right now that Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson, Jonathan Dwyer, and all the other greats aren’t getting a pro paycheck because their parents loved them too much. If a little hazing hurts their son’s precious self-esteem, well then that little bastard was never going to make it to the NFL anyway.”

Upon reading coach Daggil’s interview, several parents are considering pulling their son’s from his team. One father said “It’s just such a tough decision. On one hand, Coach Daggil’s coaching may cause lifelong damage for my son; on the other hand it may be his ticket to playing on the Crimson Tide field – which may also cause serious damage to my son. After all, we know the risks football players have of getting head injuries. But my God, those sweet NFL paychecks would put me in the best nursing home in the world. Like I said, it’s really a tough decision to make.”

Several mothers in the community are currently petitioning the city to revoke Daggil’s position.

NY Giants Football Team Name Protested by ‘Little People’

Posted on November 14, 2014 by Abe Abrams

EAST RUTHERFORD, New Jersey –

It may be hard to see and you may look over it, but if you tilt your head down what you will see are angry little people. Little people ranging from short to ridiculously short have been holding protest outside of the Giants’ home MetLife Stadium for the past week.

“We got the idea from Native Americans protesting the Redskins. If they can be offended, so can we,” said President of the Short and Proud Group Paul Learylocks. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Giants fan through and through, but the embarrassment I feel when I put on a jacket that says ‘Giants’ on the back, it hurts, not to mention the look of disappointment from my wife and kids.”

“He’s not the only one offended at the name Giants, just look around, we have had no less than 20 protesters here since Sunday,” said Short and Proud Group’s vice president, Neil Prescott. “The support we are getting through the mail and internet fills my huge heart with pride; this is more than just a protest, this is a movement. So far we have yet to hear from the NY Giants or the NFL, and this is the first anyone from the media has even asked why we were protesting. I’m sure any day now our little protest will start a media firestorm and the Giants will be forced to change their name. I’m also sure any day now Obama will stick his nose in where it doesn’t belong, just like he did with the Redskin protest. Me, personally, I think the name New York Leprechauns would be a name people of all sizes could be proud of.”

When asked about the protest, NY Giants general manager Jerry Reese seemed confused.

“What? I never even knew anyone had a problem with the name – it’s certainly news to me. Well, the hell with that. Football is a game meant for normal size people, anyway. You know what ”

Washington Redskins Announce They Will Change Team Logo To Potato

Posted on October 31, 2014 by Chip

ASHBURN, Virginia –

An announcement has been made on behalf of NFL team The Washington Redskins that they will be changing their team logo to a redskin potato. A spokesperson on behalf of the team say fans can expect the change to be in effect in time for the 2015 season.

When asked what prompted the change in logo, the spokesperson responded by saying “We are sick of dealing with the controversy around our name, and feel that it’s time to do something about it. We haven’t made it to the Super Bowl in 22 years because we are so worried about our name and logo that we can’t even begin to focus on practicing and getting better as an organization.”

The logo change should not be a surprise to any team fans, as it has been causing controversy for as long as anyone can remember. The Redskins spokesperson said “If we’re all being honest here, nobody within the organization cares about the name or logo of the team, we just inherited it. We don’t draft Native Americans to play on the team, hell I don’t even think we allow them to try out.”

When asked why the team decided to change the logo vs actually changing the name of the team, the spokesperson responded with “It’s simple, really. Price has everything to do with it – a logo change is far less expensive than a complete overhaul of the name. We lost the trademark, but we think that with a change like this, we can get that decision changes, and get back to what’s really important here – making money off of our franchise.”

The spokesperson concluded this morning’s press release by saying “We’re proud to make this change, and we feel that it’s progressive and we’re excited to once and for all shed this insensitive logo.”

In a surprising twist, it was discovered during the unveil of the new logo that the teams new redskin potato mascot appears to be wearing a tiny Indian headdress.

Many people are objecting to the team’s new logo and say that new logo is far more offensive than the previous logo.

One fan has said “I had no issue with the original logo, but now it feels like they are being sneaky. It’s as if they think we are dumb and they are trying to pull one over on us. Next we know, they’ll probably sell us Redskins jerseys with smallpox on them, or something. Sneaky, sneaky.”

The team spokesman says they are excited to star playing under a ‘new banner,’ and that they hope fans will accept the change.

NFL To Take After NHL Hockey, Starting Use of ‘Penalty Box’ In 2015

Posted on October 21, 2014 by skullman

NEW YORK, New York –

In a bizarre move in sports today, the NFL announced that starting in the 2015 season, the sport will incorporate a ‘penalty box’ for players who are flagged for fighting or other infractions during gameplay. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced the change to a group of players, coaches, and sports writers in a closed conference Tuesday morning.

“As all fans of the NFL and football in general know, we are the laughingstock of the sports world. For years we have tried to portray ourselves as hardcore athletes, the best of the best, all the while knowing that our players generally don’t have to run for more than 20 feet at a time, and that plays usually don’t last for more than 45 seconds before action is stopped, and the players stand around doing nothing.” Goodell said, with signs of tears forming. “Our boys play anywhere from 17 to 19 times a year, and that’s it. We need to toughen them up. So it is with this in mind, that we have instituted some changes to our calendars, and to our policies.”

Goodell went on to explain that fighting would now be just a short, 5-minute stint in the penalty box, and it would be encouraged by coaches during gameplay.

“We know that the NHL leads the way in real tough-guy sports. They fight, they punch, they’ve even stabbed each other with their skates – and all they get is a couple of minutes in a box. A box where they can gloat and cheer and get the fans behind them. That’s what we need in the NFL. Understandably, this is a big change from our current standing on the matter, where a player who fights on the field could be fined hundreds of thousands of dollars and possibly even released from their team and their contract. But damnit, this is the NFL, and we’re supposed to be MEN here!” Goodall bellowed to those in attendance.

He continued by saying that all stadiums were going to be required to build boxes on either side of the field, in a 7′x7′ area. The box is to be encased in plexiglass, and players should definitely punch, headbutt, and bang on it as often as possible when sent to the box during a game.

Players commented after the conference, stating that it was a great idea and a nice change to the game.

“It’s about time this sport toughened up a bit. This is definitely going to make this game more of the bloodsport that it always portrayed itself as, but could never really be because of stupid rules,” said a player for the Denver Broncos who wished to remain anonymous. “I can’t wait to get out there and crack some f—— heads.”

The new changes also included a more expanded season calendar, which has teams playing from the beginning of August and end in March, with each team playing at least 5 times a week, for a total of 150 games per team, not including post-season games.

During the questioning period after the announcement, Goodell was asked about the possibility of these new rule and schedule changes increasing the already terrifying statistics of brain injury and concussions associated with professional football.

“Yeah, probably,” he said. “But damn if it won’t be a better game to watch now, huh?”

REPORT: NFL Players Make Too Much Money; Risk $10k Fines To Wear Sub-Par Headphones

Posted on October 13, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina –

Just last week, San Francisco 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick was fined $10,000 by the NFL for wearing a pair of Beats brand headphones during a press conference after the team’s win over the Chiefs. The fine was the first of its kind after a ban was placed on the product; the NFL has a deal with BOSE systems, and for the most part, players are required to either wear that brand of headphones, or none at all.

Yesterday, Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton was also photographed wearing Beats by Dre headphones, apparently not giving one second thought to the fact that he, too, could end up fined the equivalent of what amounts to half of the annual salary of many of his fans.

“I think these players, they make too much money,” said Al Ross, a lifelong football fan in Boston. “I mean, first of all, they’re out there, spending hundreds of dollars on these stupid, shitty name-brand headphones, and then the NFL says ‘Sorry, you can’t wear those,’ and instead of replacing the aforementioned pieces of shit with the free Bose headphones the club would give them, they risk having to fork over $10,000 because they want to keep wearing them? I love football, but the players are dumb as a bunch of bricks, I tell ya.”

“Personally, I’m a huge fan of sub-par headphones that break every few months, that’s why I keep wearing them,” said Bo Roberts, second-string linebacker for the Chicago Bears. “They wanted to give me the new brand that the NFL deals with, but that’s dumb. My Beats work fine for the most part, if I jiggle the wire just right and tilt my head to one side. There’s no reason to get rid of them just yet – not because the offices tell us to, anyway. That’s stupid.”

The NFL has yet to comment on whether Cam Newton would also be fined for wearing his Beats headphones. In other related news, Skullcandy is literally begging any player that they can find, in any professional0 sport, to possibly wear their headphones in public, to remind people that they, too, want to be thought of us ‘cool.’

FIFA World Cup Committee Banning Teams That Refer To Sport As ‘Soccer’

Posted on October 6, 2014 by JP

ZURICH, Switzerland –

Some truly bitter news for soccer fans today. After years of debate, the board of trustees for the World Cup committee have come to an agreement, and it’s one that may hurt the USA Soccer team. It has been decided that any team that does not wish to call the sport by what they consider its true name, football, will be immediately banned from competition.

According to representatives of the organization, they feel that it is ‘disrespectful’ to call the sport something that it isn’t, and no other organization would ever stand for this to happen in any other sport.

“It’s like calling a man a woman, or a Korean a Mexican. We just can’t allow it,” Said Prince Ali Bin Al-Hussein, vice-president of FIFA. “The sport is known in more countries as football, and indeed you primarily use your feet to play. Basketball is still basketball no matter what country you’re in. Why is our sport any different?”

The committee stated they felt that out of all the sporting events in this world, besides the Olympics, ‘football’ is one that caters to all nations, big or small.

“f most of the world is on board to play, then they should be on the same page in every aspect of the sport, even the name,” said Al-Hussein. “The name of the sport is football. If anything, the American sport should change their name to something that reflects that sport. I’m suggesting ‘overlong game of toss’ or ‘penalties for everything.'”

“Football is a beautiful sport – and I’m not talking about the American version where men grab butts, wear tights, roll around on the ground with each other,” continued Al-Hussein. “They throw the ball with their hands. Why did they ever even call it football? I’m talking about the truly exciting sport of football, where men run up and down the field for hours, and scoring a goal is so hard that they hug and cheer when even a single point is earned,” said Sepp Blatter, president of FIFA.

There has been no official word by the US team on plans to change their name to the US Football Team, but production has been put in motion by the team owners to create new uniforms and memorabilia. With the US doing as well as they did in last year’s World Cup, franchise owners have said they have ‘no desire’ to miss out on any playing time by something ‘so silly’ as what the team is called.

NFL Announces New Schedule; Games To Be Added Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday Nights

Posted on September 16, 2014 by JP

MANHATTAN, New York –

With football season back in full effect, the question ever American is asking is ‘Are You Ready For Some Football!?’ Tickets sales for the NFL have hit record highs this year, as well as record subscriptions being recorded for TVs The NFL Network.

The NFL has been around for decades, but over the past few years fans have been given more and more options to watch highlights, full games, and find stats. CEO of the NFL, Roger Goodell, claims that fans are eating it up, and that ratings have sky rocketed.

“Back when the NFL started, people just watched one game on television if they were lucky. Now, we have the technology to broadcast every game and even have multiple games played on one day,” said Goodell. “Even our NFL shows that just review match-ups, predictions, and highlights of the games have been bringing in huge numbers, so we have decided to give fans exactly what they want.”

With new contracts starting in the 2015 NFL football season, Goodell and his board of directors for NFL programming have increased the number of days that games will be played. Currently, games are played and broadcast on Sunday, Monday, and Thursday evenings. Starting in 2015, the NFL plans to also add Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday games.

“At first we couldn’t believe the feedback we got for Monday night football, so we did Thursday night football. When we saw those numbers we thought ‘Wow! people really like watching football,'” said Goodell. “It’s with that in mind that we’ve decided to add more days, and more games. We want to give these rabid NFL fans exactly what they want.”

With this recent announcement, contracts and team schedules are still in the air. It is unclear how many games will be played next season for each team, but at least two NFL teams will now being playing daily.

Other network TV stations say they are worried that they may lose a large amount of evening viewers if the NFL has games every night.

“We already have some pretty weak programming on during the evening, especially during the weekends,” said CBS program director Bill Waters. “If the NFL is going to broadcast a game every night, we’re honestly considering just going dark during the games. What’s the point of airing something that no one will watch?”

At this point in time, Goodell says they have no intention of expanding the season for the NFL, but he says if the 7-day games option does as well as they expect, the 2016 season could see an extension to include the rest of the year.

Cleveland Browns Rookie QB Johnny Manziel ‘Guarantees’ He Will Take Browns To Super Bowl

Posted on September 5, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

CLEVELAND, Ohio –

The outspoken, flamboyant, controversial Cleveland Browns rookie and second-string quarterback, Johnny Manziel, has guaranteed that he will take the Browns to the Super Bowl this season, something that has never been accomplished in franchise history, and that this feat will earn him the Most Valuable Player award.

When asked about head coach Mike Pettine’s decision to start veteran quarterback Brian Hoyer over him for their highly anticipated season opener against the Pittsburgh Steelers, Manziel told reporters on Friday that he will be the starting quarterback by week 3 and stunned the locker room with his comments.

“I guarantee I will take this team to the Super Bowl this season. To shut up all the haters I will take home the MVP award, bring the Lombardi Trophy to Cleveland, and take my happy ass and a few beautiful women to Disney World. Write that in your little article,” Manziel said in a state of frustration when Louisville Times reporter Quen Caudill asked him about the situation. Manziel had been fielding questions all week about Coach Pettine’s choice to start Hoyer this weekend, and apparently decided to throw the press a bone.

Manziel, aka “Johnny Football,” broke several NCAA division 1 FBS and SEC records last season at Texas A&M and was considered a leading candidate to win the Heisman Trophy as a Sophomore in the weeks before the 2013 season. Florida State freshman quarterback Jameis Winston would eventually be named the Heisman Trophy winner after leading his Seminoles’ to a National Championship.

Manziel’s eligibility for the 2013 season was under question after reports surfaced that he had signed autographs for money in January 2013. On August 28, 2013, the NCAA reached an agreement with Texas A&M to suspend Manziel for the first half of the team’s game against Rice. Many believe it cost him his chances to be a legitimate Heisman candidate while Louisville Cardinals QB Teddy Bridgewater moved up the board in popularity past him. Manziel anticipated being taken in the top 10 during the 2014 NFL draft and slid all the way down to the 22nd pick by the Browns.

When asked about Manziel’s comments, anticipated Browns starter Brian Hoyer seemed to take the high road and showed absolutely no animosity toward Manziel.

“This is the NFL. We are all very excited about getting out there and playing ball. Football is a very emotional game and when you work so hard to be named a starter and don’t quite make it, it is a tough deal. Johnny is awesome, he will be a great quarterback someday. I ain’t mad at the dude, he is a gamer, he wants to win and he wants to be a winner. I totally understand where he is coming from. He only expects the best and wants to be the one to bring it.”

Head coach Mike Pettine seemed to be a little frustrated with Johnny Football’s pre-mature comments, and wasn’t afraid of holding back in his comments.

“I tell ya what, he is a rookie, hell he is still an immature kid. That boy has a lot to learn I can tell ya that. I love the kid but he can be a loudmouth, I think you all know that already,” Pettine said, the entire press pool laughing. “He is frustrated, he just wants to get out there and play, that crap he said about the Super Bowl and winning MVP, I will talk to him about that. It won’t happen again I’ll tell ya that. Brian Hoyer earned the right to start this weekend and in my opinion, it’s no contest. Maybe Johnny just had to, you know, go to the bathroom, and his words were misunderstood.”

University of Kentucky Suspends Women’s Sports, Football Program Starting 2015

Posted on September 2, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LEXINGTON, Kentucky –

University of Kentucky Athletic Director Mitch Barnhart announced in a press conference just hours ago that the University will suspend funding for its football program and all women’s sports for the 2015-2016 season.

The struggling football program has not won an SEC conference championship since 1976, and even then they tied with Georgia making them c0-champions. “We are just not relevant in football in the SEC, moving to a different conference is out of the question. This is basketball country, and for that, we need all the money we can get our hands on,” Barnhart said earlier today. “Operating these sports, paying for the scholarships, feeding the student athletes, making travel arrangements – it all costs us more money than we bring in. This is not a decision we have made lightly, but it has been decided the money, time, and effort would be more suitably spent funding men’s basketball and building a new basketball arena.”

U of K officials had become infuriated with the state’s lack of help in funding development for a new basketball arena. After the state chipped in and helped their long time rival, the University of Louisville, build one of the countries most up-to-date, state of the art basketball arenas, The KFC YUM! Center in downtown Louisville, they figured it was their time. They waited and waited, but the help never came.

“This is a basketball state, and the University of Kentucky is the premier basketball program in all of basketball, yet the state helps our in-state rival instead of us… it’s like a punch in the face. Therefore we have been forced to discontinue nearly all other sport programs,” Barnhart said.

When asked how long the suspension of the programs will go on, Barnhart said that they intend to re-instate some of the programs for the 2016-2017 seasons but definitely no earlier than that. “If everything goes as planned, we will gather all the resources we need to fund a new arena and take care of our men’s basketball team and their families during that year. And then hopefully we can start bringing the suspended programs back into business.”

Kentucky fans do not seem too distraught by the shocking decision. Edgar Williams of Shepherdsville, Kentucky, who refers to himself as a ‘lifelong U of K fan’ said he was glad they were ditching the girls.

“Hell I don’t give a damn about those other sports anyways. We can’t play football to save our damn lives, and nobody gives a damn about girls sports, I mean who goes to watch a bunch of girls play games? Perverts that’s who. Fine by me. This is basketball country,” Williams said.

The University of Kentucky is well-known for its colorful, wild, and wacky basketball fans. In a recent survey taken by a national media outlet, they were ranked the 2nd most obnoxious fans in the country.

Basketball coach John Calipari was asked about the decision to suspend funding for other sports, and he said he didn’t like it but his team needs to be taken care of. “It’s a cruel world, my kids play their hearts out, they deserve to play in a state of the art arena like the one in Louisville. We are tired of being looked at as the inferior program in the state while we are actually the best basketball program in history. So what, that other Kentucky school is good in all sports. This is a basketball state, don’t they know that?” Calipari said with a quirky smile.

Donald Sterling Agrees To Sell Clippers, Plans To Buy Redskins

Posted on August 20, 2014 by mike the inkman

LOS ANGELES, California –

Donald Sterling, disgraced Los Angeles Clippers owner, has announced that he will agree to sell the team, bringing an end to the months-long legal battle between himself and the NBA. Sterling however, does not plan to go quietly into the night, and is in talks with Redskins owner Dan Snyder over a proposed deal to purchase the team, which has had its own issues with perceived racism as of late. Sterling spoke to ESPN Reporter Erin Andrews about his reasoning.

“Well, honey, it seems like my welcome in LA is worn out. They say I’m antiquated, a relic, and maybe I am. Sure, I’m a little over the hill, but I still enjoy the company of a lovely lady like yourself. I also enjoy the thrill of owning a sports franchise. Those beautiful black bodies exerting themselves to achieve a common goal. I imagine that’s how the South was built. I heard mumblings around the country club that Danny was getting fed up with this whole ‘racial slur’ garbage, and I thought to myself, ‘Now that’s a team I could own’. Of course if the deal goes through, I’ll have to clear up the nonsense with these bloodsuckers trying to soak up legal fees by forcing a great football franchise to change its identity. Mind you, I’ve got a few papers to sign yet, but we’ve already hammered out the particulars. As near as I can recall, Washington was built on the backs of the black man. Even now, they have that black quarterback. A real workhorse, that one. I’ll be damn proud to call him my own. As far as the name business goes, those damn Indians should be glad we let them hang around as we turned this wilderness into the great land that it is today, not to mention naming a premier sports franchise in their honor.”

Andrews, looking incredulous, asked Mr. Sterling what he thought of Roger Goodell, the league commissioner, making a public statement regarding his promise to fight tooth-and-nail to keep him from buying the team.

“That old Irishman? He’s not as tough as he makes himself out to be. I was a Jew in this country before being a Jew was an admirable thing. I know a thing or two about being told ‘no.’ Despite the anti-semites in the business world, I scratched and clawed my way to the top. If that ginger b—— thinks he can keep me from achieving my goals, he’s in for a real big surprise. He’s the one who’s got a problem with race, not me. You should have heard him on the phone the other day. He sounded like a red-haired Hitler. I don’t care if he is the Fuhrer of the NFL, his little legal team is no match for my legislative wehrmacht. I’ll get my team, and I’ll pay those Indians their price, and we’ll get this damn thing back on the right track.”

Roger Goodell could not be reached for comment, but a league spokesman was willing to address the possible Sterling buyout.

“The league feels that he’s a crazy old man that shouldn’t be involved in running anything. There are no plans at this time to let Mr. Sterling buy anything, but as he has said, people have tried to hold him back from his goals his entire life. I’d say that there is at least an outside chance that Donald Sterling could be the next owner of the Washington Redskins.