Supreme Court Finds ‘Happy Endings’ To Be Legitimate Massage Procedure

Supreme Court Finds ‘Happy Endings’ To Be Legitimate Massage Procedure

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Supreme Court case of Ming’s House of Pleasure v. The state of Maine has ruled in favor of Ming’s in a shocking 7-3 vote. The Supreme Court of The United States has ruled that “happy endings” can be considered a legitimate massage procedure, and in no way should be considered prostitution. 

”This case has been a court favorite for a while now,” said Court reporter Luis DeJesus. “The Justices asked to hear testimony from all 15 of Ming’s massage therapists. The early goings of the case did not look good for Ming, but the turning point of the case came when Ming offered the justices each a free massage.”

“The day of the free massage was the only time I ever saw Ruth smile,” said Ruth Ginsburg aide Sarah Nicole. ”I knew the men would enjoy it, but who knew the old girl was a freak?”

“The happy ending was a real pleasure,” said Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. “I had my reservations, but once I experienced it, I had a change of heart. I can see how it’s the perfect ending to a relaxing massage. To think this was considered prostitution is outrageous. Now that I’ve experienced it, I can’t think of anything more natural than a good ol’ fashioned to finish off a good deep tissue massage.”

“Well, it’s about time those old bastards finally got something right,” said frequent Ming’s patron Carmine Classi. ”Now my wife can’t give me hell when I go to Chinatown for a little release. Shit, now that it’s legal and I don’t have to worry about the cops busting in, I’ll probably go 3 or 4 times a week instead of my usual 2.”

Colorado Rockies To Begin Selling Pot Brownies At Stadium During Upcoming Season

DENVER, Colorado – Colorado Rockies To Begin Selling Pot Brownies At Stadium Next Season

With marijuana legalization in effect in Colorado, and weed laws becoming lax in several other states throughout the country, major sports organizations say they are looking for ways to cash in on pot smokers who come to their games.

Sources are reporting that Major League Baseball’s Colorado Rockies plan to sell food items which contain marijuana at concession stands during games next season. The first item on the list? Pot Brownies, of course.

An official within the Rockies organization stated that the ball club has given the green-light to their concession company to begin sell marijuana brownies, cookies, cakes, and other pastries in the 2015 season.

High-ranking officials in the Rockies organization say they are thrilled at the new menu items, since they note that it will bring in tens of thousands of dollars per month.

“We are so thankful that the great people of Colorado voted in this measure to allow marijuana to be legalized throughout the state,” said Rockies spokesman Joe Goldsmith. “Now, fans of the Colorado Rockies can come to the game, enjoy a beer, a dog, and then a nice dessert that will ease them into the 7th inning stretch.”

The Rockies head office is hoping that the sale of marijuana pastries will also boost sales of other concession items, as they say there is “no better way” to enjoy a Colorado Rockies game than high, and with a good “case of the munchies.”

New University Study Shows Marijuana Concentrate ‘Dabs’ Cause Brain Cancer

TUCSON, Arizona – New University Study Shows Marijuana Concentrate 'Dabs' Cause Cancer

At the University of Arizona College of Medicine, recent test studies show that smoking marijuana concentrates, also called “dabs,” users are increasing their risk of developing cancerous cells in their brain by almost 7 times when compared to just regular weed smoking.

Out of 75 test subjects, 11 subjects, both male and female, are showing signs of cancerous activity after only 18 months of smoking the concentrated marijuana dabs. Monitored behavior logs were kept, along with consultations and activities performed daily, monitoring standard marijuana smoking versus dab smokers.

University of Arizona representative Amanda Schuyler released the findings after concluding that the public needed to have the information on hand before the study would be fully completed.

“As the use of ‘dabs’ becomes more and more common amongst marijuana users seeking a much better high, we felt we needed to get our findings out there as soon as possible, as the dangers of holding onto such information could be disastrous,” said Schuyler. “The effects of residual butane exposure, which is a chemical used in preparing the dabs, actually isn’t as bad as you’d think. What’s really causing the cancer to grow at such a rapid rate is the concentrated marijuana. Taking one dab is just like smoking 4,000 joints at once. It’s deadly.”

7 Out of the 11 subjects being observed while using concentrates that were negatively effected are showing severe destruction of neurons in the brain, losses unlike anything ever seen. With no current possibility for regrowth of brain matter, it’s being suggested by the university researchers that concentrated ‘dabs’ be categorized with the government as a class 1 felony drug.

Debates have been heated in the medical marijuana, as well as recreational-use communities as to the benefits of these concentrates. Marijuana concentrates, also known on the streets as “hippie crack,” is made by using marijuana and butane to transform the plant into a goopy liquid, which gets heated and smoked through special, often very elaborate, glass pipes.

“I really hope that the government listens to our findings on this horrible, seriously damaging drug,” said Schuyler. “Just like standard marijuana, this new form is extremely deadly and could easily kill you. It needs to be controlled by the government, and it needs to be a strict felony as punishable by law.”

Colorado Residents Vote To Legalize Prostitution Throughout The State

BOULDER, Colorado – Colorado Residents Vote To Legalize Statewide Prostitution

The people of Colorado overwhelmingly passed amendment P-69, better known as the ‘Freedom To Work Act’, yesterday afternoon in state voting. The little known amendment had not seen much press, and the politicians that sponsored the amendment have no idea how it got on the ballot.

“Potter and I wrote the amendment at a bachelor party as a joke, we were both pretty drunk and at the time and it was getting annoying proving to the girls we weren’t cops,” said Rep. Brian Brown. “Apparently, though, the people have spoken – or in this case voted, and amendment P-69 has legalized prostitution in the great state of Colorado. The only two possibilities are the name of the amendment was deceiving and people had no idea what they were voting for, or 87% of Coloradan’s are in favor or prostitution. This is why I urged people not to vote stoned.”

It’s going to nice not having to worry about getting arrested anymore. One of my friends is getting t-shirts made that say, ‘I’m a Prostitute – ask for prices!'” said working girl Havana Humphrey. “Me, I’m going to set up a business in my house, it will be just like a doctor’s office with a waiting room and magazines, except instead of anal probes and cancer screenings, we’ll give blowjobs. Actually, on second thought, we’ll give anal probes, too. That costs extra though.”

“I had no idea, amendment P-69 sounded good, I mean ‘freedom,’ ‘work,’ – those are good things, right?” asked Wilma Wilson, an 89-year-old retired nurse.”I had no idea it was about prostitution, this state is going to hell in a hand basket, I tell ya. First the marijuana and now this – what’s next, public nudity? I’m packing up and moving to Florida where people still have some good sense.”

Obama Enjoys D.C. Marijuana Legalization, Smokes Celebratory Blunt

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Obama Enjoys D.C. Marijuana Legalization With Celebratory Blunt

Voters in many states were able to cast their ballot on the topic of marijuana legalization yesterday, and in two of those elections, the people have spoken. Voters in Oregon and Washington D.C. have elected to allow marijuana use and possession among their citizens.

In Washington D.C., president Barack Obama, who freely admitted to smoking weed in the past, celebrated the news with a tightly rolled blunt and a few words for the people of the United States.

“As the President of the United States, there wouldn’t have been a lot of questioning if I wanted to sit in the Oval Office and rip a mad bong hit,” said Obama. “I didn’t, though, out of respect for the laws of the District, and of those states that had yet to pass laws to deregulate or legalize marijuana. Now that the voters in D.C. have spoken, though, I see no reason not to smoke a joint and relax with some Netflix and Fritos chips.”

Although the voters have spoken, the repealing of the laws actually wouldn’t take effect until signed by state congressional leaders. Residents of several states, including Florida, voted to keep or increase their marijuana laws.

“I don’t understand Florida, if I’m being honest,” said weed-smoking Miami resident John Peele. “I’ve been smoking illegally here for the last 30 years, and the vote for legalization for medical use can’t even been voted in? My God, Florida is 90% old people! They need weed for their cancer, cataracts, and confusion! They need it more than almost any other state in the country!”

“I don’t see marijuana being illegal that much longer,” said Aaron Silver, a D.C. resident who works in the White House. “It’s here in D.C., the backyard of the government, as it were. How long can we really keep throwing people in jail for growing a plant, anyway? Obama doesn’t have much time left in office, but here’s hoping that the ‘Change’ he kept talking about while running is about loosening marijuana laws.”

‘Road Rager’ Dislocates Middle Finger, Files Lawsuit Against Woman Who Cut Him Off

AVON, Massachusetts – 

‘Road Rager’ Dislocates Middle Finger, Files Lawsuit Against Woman Who Cut Him Off

Massachusetts fitness trainer Ed “Brick” Malone is at the center of possibly the most unique court case in the state’s recent history.

Last Friday, during a Norfolk County traffic court hearing, Malone admitted, “I friggin’ lost it.  I’m driving home from the gym, this jerk almost sideswipes me, so then I flip him off like everybody else would.  So then all of a sudden my middle finger gets stuck – I can’t get my finger back down.  Now I’m the bad guy?  I don’t think so, son.”

“The injury to the patient’s finger is stress related,” said Dr. Bruno Arujo, of Good Samaritan Medical Center, located in nearby Brockton.  “Once we corrected the dislocation issue, I found that there was no actual physical damage; however, the surrounding muscles and tendons around Mr. Malone’s middle finger had seized up.”

The condition is categorized as ‘Repetitive Stress Malady.’  “We can’t force Mr. Malone’s finger back to its natural resting position until the muscles ‘decide’ to relax on their own,” Dr. Arujo told the court.  “Based on how many times he told me he’s flipped off drivers in the past, I’m surprised this hasn’t happened before.”

The target of Malone’s anger, 30-year-old Sondra Houlk testified, “First of all, I’m not a guy. I don’t have the typical ‘girly-girl’ look, but no big deal, because the main thing is I didn’t cut anybody off, and I didn’t sideswipe anybody like he said.   I signaled, and I looked over, and I thought he waved me through, but I guess he was really giving me the finger, and that’s what happened.”

“I need to use my entire hand to do my fitness trainings,” said Malone.  “I can’t go around town looking like I’m telling everyone to go f— off.  Oh – sorry for my bad language, your honor,” said Malone,” accidentally offering the judge the ‘one finger salute.’

Malone is suing for loss of income and defamation of character. “The doctor said he couldn’t help me because of my muscle, so there goes my clients!  Somebody should pay and it should be that guy who cut me off,” he said.  When reminded by the court that Houlk was female, Malone replied, “I don’t think so, son.”

Malone’s public defender, Susan McCarthy, later spoke to reporters gathered outside the courtroom.  “Mr. Malone is the victim here.  He was provoked and he reacted in what admittedly was not the best way at the time, but almost every single American driver on the road has flipped someone the bird when ‘road rage’ sets in. Mr. Malone did legitimately fear for his life and for his safety.  The traumatic result is that he cannot return to full enjoyment of his life and his profession. I’m confident that we will prevail.”

“I just want my finger to go back down to normal,” said Malone.  “I don’t like this at all ‘cause now I walk around town looking like I’m flipping everybody off.  I don’t think so son,” he added.  “Sometimes I forget about it, like yesterday when I went out to get the paper.  I wave to my neighbor, and she tells me to go to hell, and then she slams the door.”

A civil hearing is scheduled to begin next month.

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