Spousal Abuse Arrests Prompt MMA Fighters To Change In-Ring Nicknames

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ORANGE COUNTY, California – After Several Spousal Abuse Arrests, MMA Fighters Look To Quickly Change Their In-Ring Nicknames

After professional MMA fighter Jason “Mayhem” Miller was arrested yesterday following a police standoff, several other fighters throughout the MMA world quickly worked to scrap their existing nicknames in place of gentler, more mild-sounding in-ring names.

“If Jason’s nickname wasn’t ‘Mayhem,’ he probably wouldn’t be looking at jail time,” said fighter Mark “The Killer” Hudson. “I don’t want to appear like a violent guy. I’m a professional fighter, but that’s just in the ring. Someday someone I know will end up dead, and they’ll come right to me. ‘Well, his name is The Killer,’ they’ll say. F— that. From now on, I’m going to be known as Mark ‘The Loving Friend and Husband’ Hudson.”

Over the last several months, multiple arrests have been made on professional cage fighters, including several from major MMA company the UFC. In August of 2014, UFC fighter Jonathan Koppenhaver, who goes by the name ‘War Machine,’ was arrested for an alleged assault on his porn star girlfriend Christy Mack.

“That’s another example of just a horrible, abysmal name choice,” said Quinton ‘Rampage’ Jackson. “I don’t think I’m going to stick with Rampage, that’s for sure. All these guys getting arrested, I need to tone it down. I don’t beat my girlfriend or wife like some of these guys, but you have to understand, if Mayhem’s name was ‘Friendly’ or ‘Mr. Hugs’ or something, no one would believe he was guilty. Because of his name, it’s assumed by the public and any potential jury, automatically, that’s he’s an abusive sonofabitch.”

Jackson went on to say that he would like to be referred to as “Dr. Love” in future bouts. Several other professional MMA fighters, including Wanderlei “The Axe Murderer” Silva, Joey “The Mexicutioner” Beltran, and Christoph “I Beat My Wife Regularly” Jones also say that are considering changing or dropping their nicknames from promotional materials and are asking announcers to stop use as well.

WWE Wrestler John Cena To Make Debut In UFC This Month

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – WWE Wrestler John Cena To Make Debut In UFC This Month

One of the most popular professional wrestlers in the WWE has decided to take a new step in his career. John Cena, both a fan favorite and one of the most hated men in wrestling today, will be taking away from the entertainment ring, and heading to the real fights of the octagon this month

It has been announced that Cena, who has been training under MMA legend Chuck Liddell for several months, will face his first professional fight in mid-October.

At this point, it is unclear who Cena will be facing in his initial bout, but UFC sources have said not to expect his first fight to be against any ‘all-star’ fighter. Cena reportedly got the idea to fighting in the MMA arena from fellow pro-wrestler and one-time UFC champion Brock Lesner, but fans and sports insiders alike are already questioning if he can handle taking on the ‘real fights’ of the UFC.

“Cena is very prepared. He knows these are real badass fighters, throwing real punches and kicks,” said UFC president Dana White. “Cena is not taking this lightly, like the hits he takes in the WWE. I mean, there is almost a 100% certainty that he is going to get his ass handed to him, but at least he knows what’s coming. Cena is a marvelous showman, and  will certainly put on a great show for us in the UFC.”

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Cena did speak to the press, and although not very clear about his wrestling future, he was very concerned about his upcoming fight for the UFC.

“Whoever they have me facing, he is going to wish that the fight was as staged as pro wrestling. For decades the WWE, and wrestling in general, have been the joke of the sports world,” said Cena. “They see people like me, jacked and ‘pretending,’ and they think I can’t hold my own. This is to prove that I’m a real fighter, and can take it and give it, 100 percent. I’ve been in the ring. I’ve been in front of Hollywood cameras. This is just the next notch in my belt. Wrestling may be pre-determined, but it’s not fake. I didn’t tear my pectoral muscle completely in half playing hopscotch.”

It has been rumored that Cena may fight Kimbo Slice in his first bout, but so far nothing is signed on paper. Kimbo Slice, who became famous after internet videos showed him in street fights dominating contenders, turned out to be a complete joke once he entered the UFC, losing every match. He was released from his contract with the company, but they have agreed to possibly sign him for this one final bout against Cena.

The WWE has Cena under contract, and judging by the amount of publicity he raises for the company, not to mention the millions of dollars he makes for owner Vince McMahon, that contract probably has an end date of ‘never.’ The company has not commented on how often Cena will still be featured in WWE events, but a schedule of a UFC fighter can be pretty time-consuming. It fair to assume that Cena will be dividing his time between the squared-circle and the octagon come this fall.

UFC To Create 17 New Weight Divisions To Combat Dangerous Weight Cutting

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – UFC To Create 17 New Weight Divisions To Combat Dangerous Weight Cutting

Recent neurological studies have shown a direct correlation between the sort of drastic weight cutting found in combat sports such as boxing, wrestling, and mixed martial arts, with severe brain trauma and death. In the past, wrestling has borne the brunt of the weight cutting issue as stories of spitting into cups, wearing plastic and refusing to eat circulate amongst the population.

However, with the increased popularity of mixed martial arts, particular its preeminent organization the Ultimate Fighting Championship, the focus has shifted to the large weight gaps between weight divisions.

Currently, professional boxing recognizes 17 weight classes ranging from under 105 pounds to over 205 pounds, with weight classes divided by three to twenty-five pound increments.

Previously, mixed martial arts recognized eight weight classes, ranging from 125 pounds up to 265 pounds. With the exception of the 60 pound gap between light heavyweight and heavyweight, all weight classes were divided by ten to twenty pound increments.

Detractors of weight cutting suggest that due to the massive gaps in weight classes and the fighters’ fear of being unable to compete in previous weight classes, these large gaps are cause of severe and dangerous weight cuts.

“Fighters want to win,” said Sheila Sherman, a researcher in the field of sports nutrition. “If you are a 205 pound fighter and you can’t quite make it to a title match, being relegated as a solid ‘stepping stone’ or ‘gate keeper,’ you think about dropping down to 185. And with the growing number of wrestlers in MMA, these weight cuts sometimes look easy, but the toll on the body is severe.”

To stave off the potential risks of these huge weight drops, and perhaps to one up their combat sports competitor, the UFC recently announced they would be adding 17 weight classes to their roster.

These additional weight classes will have no more than five pounds between them, with the Slim-Fast and Body Dysmorphic Divisions will be separated by just .5 pounds.

“I don’t know what else we can do,” Sherman told reporters, “I mean, if we keep weight classes like they are, more fighters are going to have to accept that they aren’t as good as their friends tell them they are and will have to get real jobs to be productive members of society instead of little boys getting paid to shave their chests and fight on the metaphorical playground.”

One of the more experimental divisions suggested is the “Anthony ‘Rumble’ Johnson division” which should be 205 pounds, but sometimes will be 217 and other times will inexplicably be 185.

At the time of publication, rumors of additional weight divisions, for fighters who are completely unprofessional or who don’t know a thing about weight cutting, have been suggested as a sort of ‘sliding scale,’ with no real fixed weight, just kind of a ballpark guess. So far, they haven’t made that specific weight class official.

UFC Fighter Punches Himself In The Face, Gets Knocked Out During Bout

BANGOR, Maine – UFC Fighter Punches Himself In The Face, Gets Knocked Out During Bout

A UFC fighter has set a new record for being the only person ever to knock himself out during a fight. The event took place Friday, August 15, 2014 during a preliminary fight in Bangor, Maine. This was fighter Ryan Crystler’s debut in the UFC, and although coming in as a favorite from the independent circuit, left a rather embarrassing first impression for a lot of people who witnessed the event live.

Crystler appeared that he had the fight won during the first round, throwing punch after punch to his opponent, and landing some real heavy blows. Things unfortunately took a turn for Crystler during round two, when a punch he threw bounced of his competitor’s face, and he ended up slamming himself in the chin, ending the bout.

When Crystler woke up from being knocked out, he still attempted to fight. The referee had to make it clear that the fight was over because of the knockout. Crystler’s opponent, Frankie Saenz, looked just as shocked as he did when the fight was called.

“I was taking some punches to the face, and then the fight was just over. I didn’t realize he hit himself, so at first I thought they were calling the fight because I was getting slammed on,” said Saenz. “I couldn’t believe that I won until I saw him laying there, his lip all busted open. He was out for the count. I honestly had to stifle a laugh.”

Due to the craziness of this fight, Dana White and a committee with the UFC are under discussion to how to call the bout. While technically being a knockout, they don’t want to reward Saenz with the KO because he wasn’t the one who performed the punch. They are also unsure whether to mark it as a knockout for Crystler, or whether to count it as a loss.

 

Woman In Front Row of UFC Event Berated For Not Looking Like A Prostitute

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – Woman In Front Row of UFC Event Berated For Not Looking Like A Prostitute

Stephanie Kirkland, 26, a 2nd grade teacher at a Lake Tahoe area public school, was excited to learn a friend had an extra ticket to UFC 175: Weidman vs. Machida. It was with added surprise that she learned the seats were just one row from the cage.

As passing fights fan, Kirkland admitted that she had looked forward to the event, having never been to a live UFC show, but she in no way anticipated what would happen once she got to the venue.

Security camera footage clearly shows Kirkland walking into the fight with a group of friends. Kirkland is seen dressed in a t-shirt and jeans with her hair pulled back in a ponytail. From the footage, her friends appear to be clearly embarrassed to be seen with her slovenly appearance.Things only got worse from there.

Wanting to get the most out of the tickets, Kirkland had pressed her friends to arrive early so they could watch all of the preliminary fights and as such, the group represented the only filled seats in the first five rows of the arena. Reports are that people in the cheap seats wondered if they were there by mistake.

As the night progressed to the main card, the seats around her filled with more and more people. Kirkland seemed ambivalent to the looks and jeers around her as she watched the action.

“I thought people were yelling at the fighters,” Kirkland said, days after the event, “I dated a wrestler in high school, so I was following the action pretty well. It was fun – Until I realized they were yelling at me.”

Reports from cage side are that numerous chants of “You don’t look like a whore!” and  “Why aren’t you texting during the fight?” continued for minutes at a time as Kirkland sat and watched the fight politely, not bothering anyone.

She wasn’t even staring at the other women, judging them, scoffing and laughing to herself about something only she found funny. Her behavior was considered suspect by arena security who had her under constant observation, except when women dressed like aspiring porn stars walked by.

Before the Rousey/Davis fight, Kirkland was finally approached by security and asked to step outside. At which time none of her friends acted like they knew her. Once outside, security closed the doors and her picture was distributed throughout the MGM Casino with orders not to allow her back inside.

Kirkland was forced to wait until the fights let out to find her friends, who were so ashamed of her that they wouldn’t even share a cab home.

“I was so embarrassed,” admitted Kelly Oswald, a friend of Kirkland’s since middle school. “I mean, here were are, with the chance to be seen on a pay-per-view event and have fan boys make GIFs of us showing our cleavage and she dresses like she’s going to baseball game.”

Oswald, whose UFC GIF has been featured for the last week when the nipple of one of her 36DD breasts slipped out of her size zero dress, thought for a moment. “No, not even baseball, because then we could get one of those special baseball jersey’s that show off your belly. This was totally unacceptable. She was dressed like a Mormon.”

Information released by leading cosmetic manufacturers suggests there could be as much as 72 pounds of fake eyelashes in the front row of any given UFC event. Sources in Las Vegas salons stated that they will often need emergency airdrops of hair dye and wax to prepare for the larger events.

Kirkland has subsequently been banned from the MGM Casino until such time as she can prove that she is aloof, disinterested ,and otherwise oblivious to the people around her while simultaneously posting selfies on Instagram in the middle of a five-round slugfest.

NSAC To Start Requiring Drug Testing For MMA Announcers and Owners

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –  NSAC To Start Requiring Drug Testing For MMA Announcers Owners

In an effort to crack down on what has recently become the rampant use of performance enhancing drugs in mixed martial arts, the Nevada State Athletic Commission sent out a press release outlining their new rules requiring drug testing for all mixed martial arts organization owners and announcers.

With the recent negative press received by the positive results from former UFC fighter Chael Sonnen and the ban of Testosterone Replacement Therapy (TRT), the NSAC isn’t taking any more chances that their reputation will be dragged through the mud, not to mention the tarnish a scandal would cause the sport as a whole.

“We aren’t messing around anymore,” said Terry McCall, long-serving member of the NSAC. “MMA is a huge money-maker for the state and there are a lot of people looking at us to lead the way. There is no way they are going to drag us in front of a congressional committee like we’re baseball.”

The news of the mandatory drug testing has not been received well, particularly by UFC announcer and marijuana/psychedelic mushrooms/kettlebell advocate Joe Rogan or UFC owner Lorenzo Fertitta.

While Fertitta hasn’t had nearly the same level of exposure as UFC president Dana White or Rogan, he has recently taken to wearing Ed Hardy style shirts and rocking some massive arms.

The billionaire Fertitta, while barely five feet tall, has been seen in several Instagram photos and UFC weigh-ins showing off some massive steroid-looking jacked arms as well.

“It’s crazy,” said a fan at a recent event. “His forearms look like a pack of hotdogs. He looks like the white CT Fletcher.”

Rogan, ever-levelheaded and pragmatic, took to his Joe Rogan Experience podcast, blissfully bumping another Brendan Shaub interview to address the new ruling.

“Weed is not a performance enhancer and for the commission to say that an announcer, who isn’t even competing in an athletic capacity needs to be tested is just ridiculous.” Rogan then went on to discuss his years competing in Taekwondo and when he showed Georges St. Pierres his spinning side kick.

The NSAC did admit that not one single person on the board was able to look at UFC President Dana White and think for even a second that he could be using PEDs, and that he seemed way too high-strung for a habitual weed smoker.

At time of publication, the NSAC has not yet determined what the penalty for a failed test will be, but it has been suggested that it could result in a banning from the sport. Generally speaking, it seems that not a single fan of MMA cares one way or the other, as long as the UFC finally puts on an entertaining card.

Mixed Martial Arts To Become Banned in United States By 2015

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – empire-news-mma-to-be-banned-in-US-by-2015

James Lee Offerman, chairman of the Association of Boxing Commissions (ABC) announced on Thursday morning that under the urging of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, the U.S. Government is expected to pass a bill in 2015 which will make all Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) competition illegal in all 50 states.

“Under urging from the Obama administration and the DHHS, researchers and medical experts have studied diligently the last few years to investigate the dangers of MMA competition. The results complied have proven that the sport is far too dangerous to go forward in the United States. A decision we, the ABC, have ultimately approved.” said Offerman.

There have been four MMA related deaths since 2007, the latest being Booto Guylain, a Congolese fighter who died on March 5, 2014 following complications resulting from a head injury experienced during an MMA bout. It was the death of Tyrone Mimms, who died in South Carolina in 2012 following a MMA match, that prompted the Obama Administration to initially investigate the dangers of the extremely popular sport. After two years of studies and research, studies revealed that the most alarming statistic were to fighters who have suffered permanent brain damage during sparring and matches. The numbers were not released by the Department of Health and Human Services, just that the compilation of results were “beyond alarming.” 

“The high-profile of modern MMA promotions such as UFC and Pride has fostered an accelerated development of the sport making it more and more dangerous in a short amount of time,” says sports medicine expert and neurosurgeon Dr. Zumbaka Ulygeno. “I have seen an alarming amount of life changing brain injuries in the past three years due to the sport of mixed martial arts, while it is exciting and is big business in the United States, it needs to be brought to an end.” 

Dana White, President of MMA giant organization UFC was reportedly extremely angry about the reports, as well as the secretive nature of the investigation by the White House.

“This is ridiculous. You don’t see them trying to shut down the sport of football, and the last time I checked, even high school kids are killed almost every year playing. We will fight this,” said White. “This is just another attempt by the Obama Administration to rip another piece of freedom from the American public. We won’t stand for it. If we let them take this away from us, what’s next? Boxing? Baseball? Fried chicken? This is disturbing and infuriating to say the least.”

According to Offerman the ban has absolutely nothing to do with politics.

“We are here to protect the American public, and this is exactly what we are trying to do. Anyone blaming the Obama administration needs to look at the big picture,” explained Offerman during a press conference in Las Vegas. “The sport has run its course, the fighters are getting stronger and more dangerous, yet there is no superstar. It seems that the risk involved should no longer worth it to those who oversee the sport, and there is no shame in waving the white flag in surrender.”

“You clearly have not heard the last from MMA supporters, fighters, promoters, and the crazed, uninformed cult that follows our barbaric sport,” said White. “We need to stand up for the right to observe organized, violent sporting events. It’s what makes this country perfect in every way.”

Brad Pitt to Attacker Vitalii Sediuk: “I’ll Pay Your Bail If You’ll Fight Chuck Liddell”

HOLLYWOOD, California – empire-news-brad-pitt-attacked-chuck-liddell-MMA-fighter-bail

Brad Pitt was assaulted at the premiere of his wife Angelia Jolie’s new film Maleficent early last week by self-proclaimed celebrity “prankster” Vitalii Sediuk. Sediuk apparently made it past security and hit Pitt in the face while he was signing autographs for fans.

The scuffle was apparently short lived, as private security instantly restrained Sediuk until police arrived, where they arrested and charged him with assault. Pitt initially filed an emergency restraining order on Sediuk, but then rescinded the order when Pitt’s longtime friend, MMA legend Chuck Liddell, offered to “put a pounding” to Sediuk for him.

Although no official announcement has been made, so far what is known is that the fight will take place in Las Vegas, and that assuming all legal channels can be cleared in time, it would be set for the second week in June. Pitt was quoted as saying he thought it was a “wonderful idea,” and offered to pay Sediuk’s $20,000 bail if Sediuk would agree to take the fight with Liddell.

“This entire thing would be legit, all legal. We’re not talking about me, you know, sicking my extremely well-trained, badass friend onto some loser.” Said Pitt. “[And] Sediuk may be a loser, but this will still turn out okay. We plan to turn this all around and create a charity event, a charity fight. I want Sediuk to get his ass kicked by Chuck, and I’m going to take all the money we make from it and give it to starving and orphaned children around the world.”

Pitt and Liddell met several years ago when Liddell was hired as a fight coordinator for the film Kick Ass, which Pitt’s company Plan B Entertainment produced. Reportedly, as soon as Liddell heard about the attack, he called Pitt to pitch him the idea.

“I normally don’t get involved in things like this.” Said Liddell. “But Brad is a friend. Angelina, the kids – they’re good people. This guy is a jerkoff who thinks he is some sort of prankster, some sort of hotshot. I’ve beaten the hell out of a lot of hotshots in my day. Retired or not, I can always add one more.”

Because Sediuk has a history of altercations with other celebrities in Hollywood, other stars including Leonardo DiCaprio and Will Smith are also lending their support to Pitt. Both DiCaprio and Smith have been victims of Sediuk’s antics in the past; DiCaprio had his crotch grabbed last year, and Sediuk grabbed Smith and tried to kiss him at the premiere of Men In Black 3.

As of this writing, Sediuk was still in jail in Los Angeles awaiting a court hearing. His lawyers have brought him all relevant information on the fight, and sources say that Sediuk is willing to participate.

Joe Rogan To Fight In The UFC

empire-sports-joe-rogan-fighting-ufc-octagon-matchLAS VEGAS, Nevada– 

One of the favorites in the UFC community is stepping away from the microphone and heading into the octagon. According to sources within the UFC, Joe Rogan will be taking center stage in an upcoming UFC bout.

According to Rogan, the fight was scheduled due to a challenge by an un-named fighter.

“Basically, this fighter called me a bitch and said I wouldn’t step in to the ring,” said Rogan in an interview on Saturday afternoon. “So I convinced Dana [White] to let me fight and now I’m going to show this guy who the bitch is.”

Since the beginning of the UFC Rogan has been there in support, and even traveling with the organization before the company blew up. He cashed in a few favors with Dana White and now the fight is set to take center stage.

“There is a reason we have Joe on our team here in UFC, he isn’t just a personality, he is a great fighter with knowledge about the sport,” said White.

“I feel bad for the dude that called him out, because I promise Joe will knock the living shit out of him. He’s going to wish he challenged Joe in his other show Fear Factor rather than going into the octagon with him. I know I myself would rather eat a bull testicle then take a kick to the face from Rogan.”

Dana White has yet to make an official comment for the fight but it is expected that he will within the next week.  A date for the event should be set sometime after.

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