Super Bowl 49 Gets Major Venue Change Due To Failure Of Congressional Lawmakers

NEW YORK CITY, New York – Super Bowl 49 Gets Major Venue Change Due To Failure Of Congressional Lawmakers

The setting for the 2015 Super Bowl was supposed to be Arizona, at the University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, but today it was announced that the ‘big game’ would be getting a drastic change in venue. According to league spokesman Dale Gerard, the next Super Bowl is being moved to Belfast, Ireland.

“Unfortunately, because of terrorist threats around the globe, we have made the drastic decision to move the Super Bowl out of Arizona and, indeed, outside the United States entirely,” said Gerard. “The TRIA has got us in a pinch, and we needed to act fast, just in case.”

The TRIA, or the Terrorism Risk Insurance Act, was signed into law in 2002 in the aftermath of the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Basically, it established a partnership between the US government and the insurance industry that made terrorism insurance widely available to U.S. businesses, including organizers of major sporting events such as the NFL. Without federal support, most insurers would be unwilling to offer coverage. The current TRIA deal is set to expire on Dec. 31, 2014, and Congress is nearing the deadline too quickly for Super Bowl organizers to take any chances.

“We have partnered, instead, with a private company that assures us that they will underwrite the NFL completely in case of terrorist attack during the Super Bowl. That company’s only caveat was that we have it in their country, and that is Ireland.”

This will be the first time in 50 years of the event that the Super Bowl will not be held inside the United States. Unfortunately for people who had already spent big money on tickets to the game, event organizers say that those tickets will not be valid in Belfast.

“We regretfully have to re-sell new tickets at the new venue,” said Gerard. “Anyone who purchased tickets to the Super Bowl, expecting it to be in Arizona, will have to re-purchase tickets for the event in Ireland. We are sure that anyone who could afford the outrageous price for Super Bowl tickets in the first place will also have no problem buying another set, as well as airfare and hotel stays in Ireland. We hope to see everyone there, and thank you for supporting the NFL!”

Cowboys RB DeMarco Murray Has Hand Amputated During Surgery To Repair Broken Finger

DALLAS, Texas – Cowboys RB DeMarco Murray Accidentally Has Leg Amputated During Surgery To Repair Broken Finger

Just a few short days ago on December 17th, DeMarco Murray entered a Dallas hospital to have a routine surgery on his ring finger, which was broken during a winning game against the Philadelphia Eagles in week 15. What should have been an easy fix that had Murray back on the field, possibly within days, has become a the player’s worst nightmare, and has left him incapable of ever playing again.

According to reports from Sports News Nightly, Murray’s surgeons accidentally mixed up his charts with that of another patient at the hospital, and when Murray was brought into the operating room, doctors amputated his entire right hand.

“This is extremely, extremely tragic,” said the Dean of Medicine for Dallas Memorial Hospital, Mark Houston. “DeMarco Murray was admitted to our hospital for a routine surgery that would set and fix his broken finger. Unfortunately, during admittance, his medical charts were mixed with those of  another gentleman, who was also admitted at that time, and was having his hand amputated. We are truly, truly sorry for the mix-up. That is all I can say at this point, pending possible legal issues.”

Dallas spokesman Greg Turf said that Murray and the team were completely heartbroken.

“You know, it’s all just part of life’s plan, I guess,” said Murray, with a smile. “How can you really be mad? So I’ll never play again. So I’ll never go long for a pass again. What can you do, you know? Sure, I could take the hospital for everything they’re worth, but it’s only money, right? It’s all just another step towards the inevitable, anyway.” Doctors say that Murray is on extreme amounts of morphine, and that the drug often times creates a feeling of euphoria.

In a bizarre twist, the patient who was scheduled to have the amputation had his finger worked on by surgeons, and a blood clot that had been causing extreme pain in his hand – and, in fact, was the reason for the original need for the amputation – was cured completely.

Dallas Cowboys Quarterback Tony Romo Reveals Shocking Strange Addictions, Pre-Game Superstitions

DALLAS, Texas – Dallas Cowboys Quarterback Tony Romo Reveals Shocking Strange Addictions, Pre-Game Superstitions

Star NFL quarterback Tony Romo recently revealed some deep, dark secrets during a radio interview on the Jay Mohr Show, when on the topic of superstitions and pre-game rituals was brought up by the host.

When asked about his strange pre-game preparations and superstitions, Romo, 34, told Mohr that he goes through a regimen every game day and has kept the routine secret all his life, until now.

“This is really embarrassing. I’ve never told anyone this before, but – Well, the first thing I do when I wake up on a game day [at home] is throw a dozen raw eggs against the wall outside on my patio,” said Romo. “I’m serious, it feels great to do. Then I sit with a glass of orange juice, and watch as my housekeepers clean up the egg mess. I do feel bad about that part, but they make a great salary, and they’re used to it by now.”

Professional athletes have been doing strange things since the dawn of sports when it comes to pre-game superstitions. Michael Jordan recently told Sports Illustrated writer Carmine Sheckles that he urinated on a brand new pair of his shoes, which he would later go on to wear in that night’s game. In another oddball pre-game superstition ritual, former New Orleans Saints and Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams told Sports News Daily that he use to lick the carpet at home, or whatever hotel he was staying at, before walking out the door on the way to a game.

“I know it sounds weird, but maybe me coming out about my weird behaviors will help others who to know they are not alone in their weird behaviors,” continued Romo, taking a deep breath before speaking again. “Ok. So, the other thing is – well, every day since I was 5 or 6 years old, I have chewed on a Barbie doll while taking a shower. Something about the texture, or the type of plastic they use, I’m very addicted to. I keep them until they’re falling apart, then I throw the doll away and get a new one. God, it feels good to finally say that out loud.”

“It took a lot of guts to say what he said when he was on my show,” said Mohr, speaking of the interview the following day. “I estimate that the sales of Barbie dolls and eggs are going to go up dramatically among teens and young adults who want to be like their idol.”

Cable channel TLC has reportedly reached out to Romo in a request to appear on their documentary-series My Strange Addiction. 

Ray Rice Signs With Denver Broncos, Expected To Play As Soon As Contract Finalized

DENVER, Colorado – Ray Rice Signs With Denver Broncos; Expected To Play Sunday Against Buffalo Bills

Recently reinstated by the NFL after being indefinitely suspended for most of the season, Ray Rice has signed with the Denver Broncos and is expected to play immediately following finalization of the pending contract offer.

Head coach John Fox told the press earlier in a brief press conference that the team is excited, and that after seeing Rice run drills to perfection that he has every intention of using the troubled running back immediately.

“He looked fantastic is all the drills he ran. We put him in full gear and had him run some plays against our defense, and I tell ya what – he punched them right in the mouth, just knocked them out during every play. This guy is just raging, he wants on the field badly,” Fox said.

When asked about the controversy surrounding Rice, Fox said that he was ‘barely aware’ of the situation. “Look, he paid the price, I guess. Everybody deserves a second chance, and by God, you better believe we had every intention of taking advantage of the situation. Personally, I don’t care who he did or didn’t punch in the face, because he did it in the past. It is all about the future now. Hopefully his future doesn’t involve any more hits, at least off the field.”

Several NFL teams appeared publicly to be shunning the running back, but according to Rice’s agent, Robert Combs, that was not the case.

“Teams were working him out, but all in secret, because what team wants to deal with the backlash while not being sure if he would even be a part of their team in the end? Basically every team Ray worked out for, and several he didn’t, wanted to make a deal. We came to the undeniable conclusion that Denver was the best place to have a likely chance to win. It wasn’t all about money, he wanted to go some place he would feel accepted and that is highly respected,” Combs told the Associated Press. “I’m just glad that in the NFL it doesn’t matter if you run a dog fighting ring, drive drunk and kill someone, or savagely beat the shit out of your significant other, in the end, the fans and the league will forgive you – as long as you can play the game.”

Details of the pending contract offer have not been released, but Combs said that it is ‘done deal’ and that the legalities and paperwork just need to be finalized.

NFL Admits Games, Off-Field Drama Are All Pre-Determined, Scripted Events

NEW YORK CITY, New York – NFL Admits Games, Off-Field Drama Are All Pre-Determined, Scripted Events

This season of NFL has not disappointed its fans, either on or off the field. There has been some incredible games played, and some very incredible drama following the franchise and players, but they have still been pulling in viewership numbers like never before.

It is because of the incredible ratings that they have been getting that it has finally been confirmed by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell that the  reason why things have been so ‘dramatic’ lately, and the truth may be devastating to most football fans.

Goodell reveled in a press conference Saturday evening that the NFL has been lying to fans for years, as they have been secretly setting up all the games, creating off-field and media drama amongst players, and even going so far as to creating the illusion of long-term injuries for certain players.

“When we say that our athletes are playing the game, what we really mean is that they are playing our game,” said Goodell. “We’ve been manipulating everything. The games are pre-determined, and the players and coaches aren’t really calling the shots. Just like professional wrestling, we’re putting on a show, and for years, people have been tuning in to see what we’ll do next. Which team will win? Which player will beat down another? Which player will beat down his wife? It’s all about the ratings, and the stories created by our team of skilled writers.”

Goodell went on to also talk more about players and their personal lives, and how even getting certain people to agree to take legal heat outside the game in an effort to bring in more viewers.

“Now, I’m not saying that every little thing is a work. Michael Vick is certainly guilty of the dog fighting thing, but we do set up a lot of behind-the-scenes antics to keep people on the edge of their seats. There are bonuses structured for players who create a name for themselves in the media, whether it be good or bad. It doesn’t matter. In the end, they’ll get people watching.”

When asked why they were admitting only now, decades after the league began, that the games and media frenzy were all shams, Goodell said that he just felt the time was right.

“We’re hotter than we’ve ever been, and it just seems at this point it doesn’t matter what we do. Abuse allegations, cheating scandals, long-term and life-altering head injuries – it doesn’t matter. People still sit down with a bag of chips and a rack of beer every week, and watch our guys go to work. It doesn’t matter if the public knows we’re lying or not – they just want to be entertained.”

 

Green Bay Packers Receivers Caught Using Battery Powered Gloves; Cobb, Nelson Face Lifetime Ban

NEW YORK CITY, New York – Green Bay Packers Receivers Caught Using Battery Powered Gloves; Cobb, Nelson Face Lifetime Ban

National Football League commissioner Roger Goodell announced this morning that after an undercover investigation, significant evidence has been uncovered suggesting that Green Bay Packers wide receivers Randall Cobb and Jordy Nelson have used battery-powered, ‘performance enhancing’ gloves during games this season. “We have found proof of wrong-doing by at least two players, Nelson and Cobb. Both players are facing a lifetime ban from the NFL,” Goodell said.

The performance enhancing gloves, called BPG’s – short for ‘battery powered gloves’ – work by acting as a magnet when a leather football is thrown in a spiraling motion, creating a force of circular-bound energy, attracting the leather football toward the BPG’s and sticking to them, therefore giving the receiver an unfair advantage.

An inquiry was made by an anonymous source last month after a lopsided match against the Chicago Bears in late September. The source explained to NFL officials that they noticed that when a football was thrown to the receivers that they had difficulty pulling the football away from the gloves after the play, saying that they basically had to pry the ball away by putting a foot on the player’s chest and yanking it out of their hands. The NFL sent in a group of undercover agents who infiltrated the Packers locker room and gathered what they consider to be significant evidence.

Goodell went on to say that the NFL Board of Rules & Disciplinary Actions, which was just instated by the commissioner this football season, will meet and decide the fate of the Green Bay Packers and the players involved. “Obviously, wrong-doing has been discovered and it will be dealt with. It may be determined that the team will be banned from this season’s playoffs, and the players would most definitely be suspended indefinitely,” Goodell said.

Goodell will hold a news conference later this week in which he will explain in detail the wrong-doings which have been committed, as well as the actions which will be handed down for doing so.

Pee-Wee Football Coach Encourages Fathers To Bully Their Sons, Says ‘It Will Make Them Better Athletes’

APPLEFORD, Alabama –  Pee-Wee Football Coach Encourages Fathers To Bully Their Sons, Says 'It Will Make Them Better Athletes'

Pee Wee football coach Rick Daggil is in hot water with his Appleford, Alabama community after allegations surfaced that he encouraging his players father’s to bully their sons in order to make them better athletes.

The allegations came to light early last week when Helen Wickerman, the mother of 11-year-old Bobby Wickerman, spoke out against the coach.

“My husband, Derek, was being exceptionally cruel to our son over the last 2 months, ever since he started playing football. Initially I thought my husband was just stressed out about work and taking it out on Bobby, but after awhile I realized there was a far more sinister unfolding. After Derek made Bobby take a 30 minute bath in ice water as punishment when he left his backpack on the living room floor, I knew something was seriously wrong.”

Upon confronting her husband about his abusive behavior, Helen discovered that Derek had been told to bully their son Bobby by Daggil. Derek stood by the advice he received from Coach Daggil, and told his wife “Coach Daggil has been shaping young boys into powerful men since I was a zygote. Who am I to question his direction?”

After receiving several complaints from concerned mothers, Coach Daggil decided to use the outlets he has available and conducted an interview with a local high school’s online news publication.

Within the exclusive interview, Coach Daggil defended his coaching techniques and methods by saying “you will not turn a soft boy into a man by coddling him – if parents want their sons to have any chance of playing pro-ball they need to stop treating them with love and get in their face. I can damn well guarantee you right now that Ray Rice, Adrian Peterson, Jonathan Dwyer, and all the other greats aren’t getting a pro paycheck because their parents loved them too much. If a little hazing hurts their son’s precious self-esteem, well then that little bastard was never going to make it to the NFL anyway.”

Upon reading coach Daggil’s interview, several parents are considering pulling their son’s from his team. One father said “It’s just such a tough decision. On one hand, Coach Daggil’s coaching may cause lifelong damage for my son; on the other hand it may be his ticket to playing on the Crimson Tide field – which may also cause serious damage to my son. After all, we know the risks football players have of getting head injuries. But my God, those sweet NFL paychecks would put me in the best nursing home in the world. Like I said, it’s really a tough decision to make.”

Several mothers in the community are currently petitioning the city to revoke Daggil’s position.

 

NY Giants Football Team Name Protested by ‘Little People’

EAST RUTHERFORD, New Jersey – NY Giants Football Team Name Protested by 'Little People'

It may be hard to see and you may look over it, but if you tilt your head down what you will see are angry little people. Little people ranging from short to ridiculously short have been holding protest outside of the Giants’ home MetLife Stadium for the past week.

“We got the idea from Native Americans protesting the Redskins. If they can be offended, so can we,” said President of the Short and Proud Group Paul Learylocks. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m a Giants fan through and through, but the embarrassment I feel when I put on a jacket that says ‘Giants’ on the back, it hurts, not to mention the look of disappointment from my wife and kids.”

“He’s not the only one offended at the name Giants, just look around, we have had no less than 20 protesters here since Sunday,” said Short and Proud Group’s vice president, Neil Prescott. “The support we are getting through the mail and internet fills my huge heart with pride; this is more than just a protest, this is a movement.  So far we have yet to hear from the NY Giants or the NFL, and this is the first anyone from the media has even asked why we were protesting. I’m sure any day now our little protest will start a media firestorm and the Giants will be forced to change their name. I’m also sure any day now  Obama will stick his nose in where it doesn’t belong, just like he did with the Redskin protest. Me, personally, I think the name New York Leprechauns would be a name people of all sizes could be proud of.”

When asked about the protest, NY Giants general manager Jerry Reese seemed confused.

“What? I never even knew anyone had a problem with the name – it’s certainly news to me. Well, the hell with that. Football is a game meant for normal size people, anyway. You know what ”

 

Washington Redskins Announce They Will Change Team Logo To Potato

ASHBURN, Virginia – Washington Redskins Announce They Will Change Team Logo To Potato

An announcement has been made on behalf of NFL team The Washington Redskins that they will be changing their team logo to a redskin potato.  A spokesperson on behalf of the team say fans can expect the change to be in effect in time for the 2015 season.

When asked what prompted the change in logo, the spokesperson responded by saying “We are sick of dealing with the controversy around our name, and feel that it’s time to do something about it. We haven’t made it to the Super Bowl in 22 years because we are so worried about our name and logo that we can’t even begin to focus on practicing and getting better as an organization.”

The logo change should not be a surprise to any team fans, as it has been causing controversy for as long as anyone can remember.  The Redskins spokesperson said “If we’re all being honest here, nobody within the organization cares about the name or logo of the team, we just inherited it. We don’t draft Native Americans to play on the team, hell I don’t even think we allow them to try out.”

When asked why the team decided to change the logo vs actually changing the name of the team, the spokesperson responded with “It’s simple, really. Price has everything to do with it – a logo change is far less expensive than a complete overhaul of the name. We lost the trademark, but we think that with a change like this, we can get that decision changes, and get back to what’s really important here – making money off of our franchise.”

The spokesperson concluded this morning’s press release by saying “We’re proud to make this change, and we feel that it’s progressive and we’re excited to once and for all shed this insensitive logo.”

In a surprising twist, it was discovered during the unveil of the new logo that the teams new redskin potato mascot appears to be wearing a tiny Indian headdress.

Many people are objecting to the team’s new logo and say that new logo is far more offensive than the previous logo.

One fan has said “I had no issue with the original logo, but now it feels like they are being sneaky. It’s as if they think we are dumb and they are trying to pull one over on us. Next we know, they’ll probably sell us Redskins jerseys with smallpox on them, or something. Sneaky, sneaky.”

The team spokesman says they are excited to star playing under a ‘new banner,’ and that they hope fans will accept the change.

NFL Announces Rock ‘Supergroup’ Forming To Play Super Bowl XLIX Halftime Show

GLENDALE , Arizona – NFL Announces Rock 'Supergroup' Forming To Play Super Bowl XLIX Halftime Show

Super Bowl XLVIII is already a distant memory for NFL fans, and talks of next year’s halftime show started hitting the circuit months ago. With The Big Game to be held in just a few short months, rumors and excitement have grown over the announcement of the Super Bowl Halftime Show.

Super Bowl XLIX is scheduled for play at the University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, Arizona at the beginning of 2015. Normally the halftime shows at the games feature a performance by a well-known rock ‘n’ roll or pop singer or group of performers. This year, the NFL has decided to go all-out, and bring in some of the biggest names in the history of music for a halftime show that could never possibly be topped.

“We honestly wanted to wait for the big S.B. 50,” said Melanie Aster, director of entertainment for the NFL. “After considering it though, we knew we just had to get all these performers together as soon as possible. It is highly likely some of them may be dead by next year, so we can’t take any chances.”

So far, the NFL has announced that the “supergroup” will consist of Roger Daltry of The Who, rapper Eminem, Steven Tyler of Aerosmith, rapper Big-Boi, country music stars Garth Brooks and Wynona Judd, pop band Fall Out Boy, metal act Killswitch Engage, white-boy rapper Marky Mark, industrial rock band Nine Inch Nails, Ice Cube, shock-rocker Marilyn Manson, Keith Partridge of the Partridge Family Singers, up-and-coming rapper Hopsin, Faith Hill, 90s grunge rockers Blind Melon, Johnny Bravo from The Brady Bunch, and the New York Philharmonic.

The lineup is the most impressive one that the NFL has ever had for a halftime show, and they are extremely happy that they were able to get all the artists on board for the performance.

“It was so amazing that we were able to get this great group of performers together and they’ve all agreed to go out there and rock our 49th halftime show!” said Aster during a recent conversation with reporters and fans.

When asked if she was aware that some of these artists no longer perform, and that at least one is a fictional character, Aster had little to say on the matter.

“All I can say to you is that all of these people have signed on the dotted line, and the ink is definitely dry. We may even have some more surprises the night of game!”

When pressed for details, Aster had little to say, although she did elude to the fact that spectators should be on the lookout for possible wardrobe malfunctions.

“I’m not naming any names, but let’s all just keep an eye on Marky Mark, okay?” Aster said, laughing.

Super Bowl XLIX will be broadcast live on NBC at the beginning of 2015.

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