Eight-Year-Old Sentenced to Prison for Petty Theft

Posted on February 3, 2015 by thebluntman

SPRINGFIELD, Missouri –

How much is a Twix bar and a can of Dr. Pepper worth, exactly? Most rational-minded people would say maybe three bucks, but Judge Rudy Simms of the Springfield Juvenile Court values the items at a month in a state prison.

Young Marcus Hall, only eight-years-old, was caught by a convenience store owner trying to steal the aforementioned items, and was detained by the owner until authorities arrived. The boy’s mother, Kasey Buckner, was contacted and arrived shortly afterwards. She was highly enraged by her son’s treatment by the authorities and the store owner. “It’s just a damn candy bar, you idiots. He’s a kid, you should let him off easy,” Buckner said.

Buckner paid for her son’s stolen items, but was unsuccessful in pleasing the store owner, Fred Nadler. “If we let the boy off with a simple warning because his mother is screaming at us, he will grow older believing his mommy can get him out of anything. The fear of God and a fear of breaking the law needs to be instilled into this boy before it is simply too late.”

The boy’s trial was a fast one – only taking around 15 minutes. Hall testified to attempting to steal the items, although he claimed he was pressured by a friend to do so. When asked who the friend was, the boy said he didn’t want to share his friend’s identity. The jury decision took only a few minutes and came around with a guilty verdict. Judge Simms sentenced the boy to one month at the Springfield state prison.

This case has sparked controversy nationwide, with many parents feeling their children could suffer the same “unfair” judgment with such a harsh precedent set. Alicia West, a single mother of two from Colorado Springs, stated in a social media post, “Children should be loved, not punished, for committing crimes. Juvenile hall would have scarred this boy for life, but now actual, full-blown prison? He’s likely to be raped by some pedo in there, and with nobody to blame but the American court system.”

Nadler approved of the boy’s sentencing and said, “Even though the young man is serving his time for the crime committed, I will be cautious about ever letting him back into my store.”

Pre-School Child Arrested For Attempted Murder After Sharing His Peanut Butter Sandwich With A Classmate

Posted on January 27, 2015 by JP

MESA, Arizona –

An 8-year-old boy will be facing life behind bars if found guilty of an attempted murder charge. The boy, Bryan Mills, was arrested at his elementary school early Monday afternoon, during a designated snack time. According to his teacher, Bryan shared his peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a fellow classmate, who happens to be deathly allergic to peanuts.

The school has a strict no-peanut policy that all students and parents are made aware of at the start of every year, and Bryan happened to have shared his “illegal” sandwich with the wrong boy.

The classmate, Joey Goldsmith, age 7, was taken immediately to a nearby hospital and was last listed as being in critical condition. Joey’s parents, Maureen and Gilbert Goldsmith, are claiming that all his classmates knew their son had a severe allergy, and that Bryan was out to get him.

“My son almost died, right there in that stupid school, because of one of his classmates. I won’t stand watching a potential murderer get any type of special treatment because of his age. I think he was jealous that our son didn’t invite him to his birthday party, and this is why he tried to kill him,” said Maureen Goldsmith.

According to a lawyer for the Goldsmiths, they feel that the Bryan is “crazy,” and will continue to share his lunch with other classmates with serious allergies. “Apparently this isn’t his first time in trouble for sharing food,” said Gilbert Goldsmith. “We also found at that last year, he shared a chocolate bar with a kid who was allergic to cocoa. Thankfully, a teacher caught that potential assault or murder before it could happen.”

Police are now investigating how the peanut butter and jelly sandwich made it into the elementary school with a full ban in effect. Theories range from the child smuggled it into the school, to his parents simply forgetting the rules and packing it for him for lunch.

Inmate In Critical Condition After Being Stabbed By Charles Manson

Posted on January 27, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

CORCORAN, California –

A man’s life hangs in the balance after he reportedly tried to steal a box of ramen noodles from the infamous Charles Manson at the California State Prison in Corcoran, California.

Warden Connie Gipson says the incident happened this morning and that Raymond Garcia, 39, from Los Altos, California, is in critical condition. “It seems that Garcia attempted to steal a box of Manson’s ramen noodles, which he had stashed under his bunk. Mr. Manson caught Garcia and proceeded to stab him with a lollipop which had been sucked down to a sharp point. He then stabbed Mr. Garcia in the neck twice, and in the abdomen once. Garcia remains in critical condition at this time,” Gipson said in a statement.

If Garcia dies, Manson would be charged with murder and, ironically, is the first time he has actually committed an act of violence on another human being using his own two hands.

Warden Gipson says that Manson and Garcia had become friends, and Manson often drew pictures for Garcia to send home to his family. Corrections officers at the facility believe that Manson did not make good on a deal in which Garcia fronted him the box of ramen noodles in exchange for a hand-drawn family portrait, which Manson never completed.

Gipson said this was the first time in her career that she recalls an inmate being stabbed by a lollipop. “It seems bizarre, but it happened, so we have removed all lollipops and suckers from the commissary so that this does not happen again,” Gipson said.

Rhode Island State Legislature To Reinstate Death Penalty, Will Allow For Drug Crimes

Posted on January 16, 2015 by DesireeAmber

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Tuesday, President Barack Obama signed off on a new piece of Rhode Island legislation that would revive the state’s death penalty, allowing lethal injection not only for malicious physical crimes, but also for drug-related crimes.

After decades of not having a death penalty option in the state of Rhode Island after it’s abolishment in 1984, the option will once again be given to judge and juries throughout the state on high-level crimes.

According to lawmakers, it was the people of Providence, Rhode Island who started the petition to bring back the death penalty throughout the state.

“With the crime rate as it stands in Providence, people want to make the streets safer, and that’s what we’re trying to accomplish,” said Jorge Elorza, Providence’s Mayor, during a press conference. “At one point, Rhode Island was a small state, with maybe one execution every few years, based on violent crimes like rape and murder. Now, with this new legislation, those crimes can also be expanded to include the dealing or use of marijuana, driving under the influence, and higher levels of assault charges. We want to keep Rhode Island safe, for all people and future generations.”

“By approving this option for the State of Rhode Island, I am not endorsing the death penalty,” said President Obama. “Please understand, it is the voters choice, and I am only the last line on a very long process of paperwork. The state and cities have spoken, and I am proud to be able to give them the ability to make themselves feel safer.”

Rhode Island lawmakers say that the process to have any changes made to current punishments is a slow-moving one, but that they anticipate the death penalty to be on the table for several crimes by the end of the year.

Serial Prison Escapee Diagnosed With Restless Leg Syndrome; Lawyer Asks For Leniency

Posted on August 1, 2014 by DvanL

BAYPORT, Minnesota –

Four-time prison escapee Robert Tuck, nicknamed “Hoppin’ Rob,” was diagnosed by prison doctors with Restless Leg Syndrome (RLS) after a fifth prison escape attempt proved futile.

Currently housed at the Minnesota Correctional Facility in Stillwater, Tuck was captured near the main entrance by prison guards, who observed suspicious movements exhibited by the inmate near the facility’s main security fence.

“He was jumping up and down by the main gate,” said Alan Trimble, Director of Security at Stillwater. “At first I thought he was having a kind of seizure or throwing a fit, so I called the prison doctor right away to come take a look at him.”

“It was during our outdoor exercise period and I thought I could get away with it just this once more,” remarked Tuck from the prison infirmary. “I had the opportunity so I thought I’d go for it, but now they got me all chained up here to a bed, even though the doc says it’s not good for me with the condition they told me I have.”

As it turned out, prison medical staff discovered Tuck was suffering from more than just a compulsion to escape confinement; he was diagnosed with RLS, a condition the National Institutes of Health describes as “a nervous system disorder marked by unpleasant sensations affecting the legs.” Symptoms of RLS include spontaneous leg movements, occasional cramping and a constant urge to get up and move around.

“I always thought it was maybe something medical,” said Tuck, “because ever since I was a kid, what I did was to steal things and run away a lot, which is got me in trouble in the first place.”

Tuck’s attorney, Charles Burbridge, is currently examining whether a defense of “RLS Impairment Disorder” can be mounted, with the hope that Tuck, currently serving 5 – 7 years for burglary, would be eligible to receive a reduced sentence and possible transfer to a supervised medical facility.

“If my client could be treated fairly and like a free-range inmate,” explained Burbridge, “he would be able to walk the yard a few more hours a day as part of his therapy. I believe this will reduce his impulse to escape, and make him a better person in the long run.”

For the time being, Tuck remains confined to his infirmary bed and is reportedly in good spirits. “I have high hopes,” said Tuck, while giving the “thumbs up” gesture despite his handcuffs.

MTV To Produce ‘Hunger Games’ Style Reality Show, ‘Con Stars’

Posted on June 24, 2014 by Jon of the Shred

DETROIT, Michigan –

In a bold move by the Federal Prison System to combat swelling overpopulations of their institutions, a real-life Hunger Games reality show has been launched by MTV in partnership with the Federal Justice Bureau. The show features violent criminals and convicts squaring off in an enclosed area of a major city, in a full-blown fight to the death. The winner of the contest is awarded freedom and a second chance at life. The show has been titled Con Stars.

Season 1 began pre-production last week in Detroit, scouting locations and filming exteriors. Future seasons will film in other urban and violent cities across the country. Based on buzz alone, season 2 has already secured a green light, and executives are rumored to be eying Camden, New Jersey as their next death ring.

The show is hoping to be a ratings smash, and execs are looking to at least secure the number 2 slot, just behind the Walking Dead. TV analysts suggest that the show will set a new precedent for Reality TV – while mind-numbing stupidity used to suffice, with shows such as Jersey Shore and Honey Boo-Boo running the ratings, Con Stars hopes to knock them out of the park.

Before all the glitz and glamor of TV could begin, the show’s concept had to pass through the U.S. Congress first, the first show ever to be scrutinized by the government before airing. Members of Congress had to give the show the go-ahead, and the decision also had to have a Presidential seal of approval on it as well, as President Obama would be the one to sign the winner’s pardon, setting him free.

Curiously, there was little pushback from either the republicans or democrats on the actual content of the show, and both sides spent more time arguing whether The Hunger Games was a ripoff of Battle Royale or The Running Man. Ron Paul, who is generally ignored by the other members of congress, was the voice of reason throughout the hearing, stating that The Hunger Games was clearly a ripoff of Death Race 2000, the David Carradine film which pre-dates both Battle Royale and The Running Man.

“If you watch both of the Hunger Games films you’ll notice elements stolen from the Running Man and Battle Royale scattered throughout. Death Race 2000 came even before all those, and if you really break it down they’re all reminiscent of Gladiator fights in a modern setting. What makes Hunger Games plagiarism as opposed to tribute is the author denied knowledge of all those prior films and books. What does she think, we’re stupid?”

Congress agreed to let Viacom, parent company of MTV, produce the show with actual prisoners. All of the men selected will be at the discretion of the board of prisons in each state. As of this writing, the 30 contestants were being selected from institutions around the country, and filming is set to begin in August. The show will premiere on MTV and MTV2 in the channels’ winter lineup.