Obama Mandates Muslim Sensitivity Training Starting In Elementary School

Posted on January 30, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Schools that want to keep their federal funding will now have to teach Muslim sensitivity, according to reports from the White House. The mandate, signed by President Obama on Thursday afternoon, calls for all students starting at the elementary level to take classes on the importance of being sensitive towards Muslims. Critics claim that this is another wasteful program, and another extreme example of Obama’s overreach.

“The time has come for Americans to be more sensitive to the Muslim religion,” President Obama said to reporters in a speech from the White House. ”With sensitivity training starting in elementary schools, we are guaranteeing a more sensitive generation. The Muslim religion is not like other religions, and the Muslim people are extremely sensitive whenever someone jokes, mocks, or even misunderstands their religion. We want all children to know that it’s okay to make fun of Jews and Catholics, because they know how to take a joke. Muslims can’t take a joke, as they don’t know joy or humor. So it’s important for us to change as Americans in order to make the Muslims happy.”

“Why should we change? Why don’t them damn Muslims take an improv class or something, and learn how to take a joke?” said Senator Ted Cruz after the announcement by Obama. ”We’re Americans, and this country is at its greatest when we’re being politically incorrect and taking jabs at people who are different. I remember even Bugs Bunny got to call Japanese people slants and gooks in the cartoons of my era. Damn, those were the good old days. When I’m President I promise to offend everybody, every day, the way it should be – the way it used to be!”

Obama Resolves To Move White House to Chicago

Posted on January 24, 2015 by davittslat

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

To the shock of all Americans and with reverberations around the world, President Obama announced that he will move the White House to Chicago by year’s end. Obama mentioned the move was spurred after he was contemplating his 2015 New Year’s resolution. The Republican brass was in an uproar with many members of Congress questioning the President’s motives, some echoing the word dictator.

“When I came before you in 2008, I said my campaign was about change. As you know, every New Year’s Eve I fill out a list of personal and private goals. My thoughts kept coming back to Chicago,” stated Obama. “While I have the utmost respect and approbation for our forefathers and the city of Washington D.C., it’s time for the White House to be centralized, which would make travel and accessibility easier for all members of Congress. Chicago is the de facto capitol of the United States. Plus, who doesn’t love that deep dish pizza?” said the President.

Senator Ted Cruz said, “This President continues his ruthless power trip. My fears for this administration keep coming to fruition. Now he’s going to uproot our nation’s legacy? When are we as a people going to intercept his attempts to will his power over the American people? What’s next? Is he going to change the Constitution citing presidential supremacy?”

Meet The Press moderator, Chuck Todd, said he had been hearing rumors that this move was imminent. “The President’s deep love for Chicago is no secret,” said Todd. “I’m hearing, though, that a variety of personal reasons are the real motives for the impending move. First, Malia and Sasha [Obama] have grown homesick, and yearn to move back to their original Hyde Park surroundings. Second, the President confides with his former Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, ever day and wants to be closer to him. Third, the President wants to see more Chicago Bulls games now that Derrick Rose appears to be healthy again, and the eastern conference is wide open. He’s mentioned many times his desire to bring a future championship Bulls team to the White House.”

Sarah Palin weighed in on the issue asking, “Chicago? Maybe the President missed those American history courses when he was growing up in Kenya.”

Poll Shows Large Portion Of U.S. Voters Think ‘Being Black’ Is Now Required Of Presidential Candidates

Posted on December 22, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In a recent CNN Poll of likely voters, 49% said that they believed being black was now required to be President. The same poll also showed 37% believed the new requirement was to alternate between black and white Presidents. The last 14% believed that the next President has to be a woman.

“Well, that just shows how stupid polls are,” said Dennis Wallace, a 22-year-old registered Democrat. “All you ever hear is how inaccurate polls are, and I guess it’s true. I mean, how many whatevers does it take to screw in a light bulb, and that one about them having a screen door on their submarine – polls are stupid. Everyone knows the rule to electing a president is now black man, white woman, black woman, and then white man.”

23-year-old Regina Banks, who registered as an Independent said, “Doesn’t congress pick the President? I mean isn’t that’s why we elect them, to represent us? Or is that something to do with the election college, or…wait. No, we vote, and congress sends people to the election college to pick the president. Right?”

“I wish the people were right. Personally, I wouldn’t mind seeing more black Presidents,” said Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). “I always thought Denzel Washington would make a good President. He lives in my district, and if there was any chance we could get him to run, I would gladly write a bill requiring all Presidents to be black. You know if that happened, then the republicans would make a fuss and start waving the constitution around like a bunch of children.”

“It’s weird that just because we have a black president that people think they all have to be black from now on,” said Senator Ted Cruz, who has been considering a run for president in 2016. “I don’t want people to not vote for me if I run just because I’m not black, and they think I can’t win. No one thought that it was required of the president to be a fat jazz enthusiast after Clinton took office, so why would they have to be black because of Obama?”

President Obama Scores 102 On IQ Test, Lowest In Presidential History

Posted on December 14, 2014 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

As it turns out, the Republicans may have been right all along, and President Obama is not the smartest person in the room after all. Since Woodrow Wilson took office in 1913, all presidents have been given an IQ test at some point during their time as leader. Gerald Ford always held the record for lowest score, with a 111, which is considered just slightly above average. On the other end of the spectrum, George W. Bush scored a 132, which is considered ‘gifted.’ Two-Thirds of people who take the standardized IQ test score between 85-115.

The White House today spun President Obama’s 102 as a ‘solid average’ that is nothing to be ashamed of.

”President Obama never claimed to be smarter than anybody else. As a matter as fact, he has always represented himself as a regular guy, ‘a man of the people,’ as it were,” said Josh Earnest, White House Press Secretary. “The key to being a good leader is to surround yourself with smart people, which President Obama has always done. As far as needing to be a genius to run the country, well – George W. Bush had the highest score ever, and look at how that mess turned out. So, the next time President Obama bypasses congress with an executive order, and you’re about to say something cruel, racist, or otherwise completely ignorant, remember that he’s just a regular guy getting things done for you. And hey! At least he’s in the triple digits!”

“Ha! I knew it! King Obama is just a few points away from being a dummy,” said Senator Ted Cruz. ”Einstein was a 160, and guess what America – I scored 145! I’m smarter than 99% of you! When I’m elected President, I’ll bring some common sense and smarts back into the White House. Let’s face it, don’t you want your President to be smarter than the guy asking you whether you want to ‘super size’ your fries at the drive through? ‘Vote for me America, I’m smart!’ Hell, I think I’ll make that a bumper sticker!”

Facebook Submits Names Of Users Posing In Pictures With Guns To Homeland Security

Posted on November 30, 2014 by Abe Abrams

MENLO PARK, California –

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg confirmed rumors this morning that the company would be handing over names and photos of site users who have posted pictures of themselves with guns to the government. Democrat leaders applauded Facebook’s move, stating that it is important to know who has guns in America, especially since many of the weapons that they’d seen could very well be unregistered.

Despite the excitement from the radical left, many Facebook users, regardless of political stance, were naturally outraged that their ‘private’ photos would be handed over to the Department of Homeland Security.

”I don’t understand what the big deal is, I mean it’s right there in the user agreement. Line 27 , page 134 of the policy that all users agree to when signing up. The subject clearly states ‘Any and all user information will be shared with Homeland Security upon request from the department.’ It’s right there in black and white. Or blue and white, as the case may be.”

When asked why Facebook would be so willing to work with the government, Zuckerberg said that he was just trying to ‘do his patriotic duty.’

“I added that line back in after 2009, when Obama took office. After he was elected, he came to me and asked for my help, saying that he wanted to ‘transform America,’ and he couldn’t do that until the country was disarmed,” said Zuckerberg. “This is a perfect way to find the gun nuts in this country, and keep a watch over them. I think the whole thing has been a huge success, and I for one can’t wait to live in a gun-free America.”

Many people have already been informed, via registered mail from the government, that they are now ‘under watch’ by the agency, and that they had been flagged as ‘gun nuts’ on Facebook. Several notable website users, including Texas cheerleader Kendall Jones, who became national news after pictures of her big game hunts were posted to her Facebook page, have already been reported as well.

“Yes, we closely work with Facebook,” said Homeland Security Director Brian Belmonte, confirming their partnership. “All we do is ask for the data, and then Facebook hands it over. We collect intel from many sources, but it’s just compiled data, there’s no need to worry. Feel free to go on with your lives, posting your pictures and every thought you have onto the internet. There’s nothing to worry about here.”

“It’s right from the socialism 101 handbook,” said senator Ted Cruz.”First control the media, then add a heavy progressive tax rate. Those are both done. Next control people’s healthcare – oh look, we’ve got that, too. The last step is to disarm the public so they can’t rebel, which is coming soon. One more Democratic President, and the stars on our flag will be replaced with a hammer and sickle. That’s why in my campaign for president, my slogan is ‘less taxes, more guns!'”

kendal — Texas Cheerleader and famous Big Game Hunter, Kendall Jones, 19, has already had all of her photos reported to Homeland Security

New Evidence Reveals True Purpose of Great Wall Of China

Posted on November 19, 2014 by Abe Abrams

BEIJING, China –

Researchers have uncovered new evidence revealing the true purpose of the Great Wall of China. Built largely by the Ming Dynasty, long-standing belief has always been that it was built to keep out invading Mongols hordes.

“Started in the 7th century, and finished by the Ming Dynasty, the Great Wall of China has had many different theories as to what was its true purpose. As many as one million people died in its construction, and their remains became part of the wall,” said Archaeologist Richard Reginald. “Through DNA testing of bones found in the wall, and analysis of artifacts found in the wall, we believe that we have finally identified the true purpose of the wall.”

According to Reginald, DNA analysis of bones in the wall prove that the workers were of non-Chinese ethnicity. “The only conclusion,” said Reginald, “is that the Great Wall of China was built by cheap Mexican labor for the sole purpose of keeping out Mexicans and other ‘unwanteds.'”

”See I was right, I’ve been saying this all along, what we need is a great wall of America,” said Senator Ted Cruz upon hearing the news. “It worked for the Chinese, obviously – there isn’t a damn Mexican in China, that’s for sure. It can work for us. We can the get the illegals to build it cheap, and when it’s done, we will throw them a big party and say ‘Congratulations, Amigos, how’s it look on the Mexico side?’ and when they go look, we slam the gate on them! It’s ideas like this that will make me a perfect candidate to be the next President.”