Rapist Files Lawsuit Against His Victim, Claims Emotional Damage Because She ‘Wasn’t Into Him’

Posted on February 8, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

A man who is being accused of raping a 29-year-old woman has filed a civil lawsuit in the Miami-Dade court system, claiming the the girl was “not into it,” and thereby caused his extreme emotional harm and psychological damage.

According to public records, Mark Hemmingway, 33, has filed a lawsuit against Marissa Clarke, 29, both of Miami, after she failed to “really get into him” while he was forcibly having sex with her. The suit alleges that even though Clarke was severely intoxicated, she had been giving Hemmingway “the eyes” all night at a party, and then later passed out.

“She had been giving me those ‘fuck me’ eyes all night at a party, and then I found her later on in the bedroom,” alleges Hemmingway. “She had her shoes on still, and everyone knows that means you’re fair game, so I went at her. I knew she wanted it, because she was giving the signals earlier. Turns out, though, she’s just a dumb bitch who wasn’t into me at all. I’m not sure if anyone realizes how fragile the male ego is, but the answer is…very.”

Hemmingway is suing Clarke for a whopping $1 million dollars, claiming irreparable emotional damage. Acccording to his lawyer, Hemmingway has a “good chance” at winning his case, even if it does mean that he is admitting to the sexual assault.

Hillary Clinton Takes Game Show Hosting Gig

Posted on February 1, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

The former first lady and almost president, Hillary Clinton, may have disappeared from the spotlight in the weeks after the election, but apparently, the reason isn’t anything that people speculated.

According to GSN – the Gameshow Network – Clinton has been busy filming episodes of POPlitics, a new show they’ve developed featuring a mashup of questions about politics and pop-culture.

“Mrs. Clinton was our dream-get for the host of POPlitics, and we honestly never thought she’d sign on,” said game creator Mark Levine. “She was very close to winning the election and becoming the leader of the free world for a bit there, and we were in the middle of working out the game details and kinks at that point. Our backup would have been to get Paul Ryan, or maybe Weiner – someone else whose name people recognize. But, thankfully, she lost the election, and we were able to sign her on!”

Levine says that game show shoots are grueling, and that’s why Clinton hasn’t been seen for a bit.

“Game shows regularly shoot a whole week’s worth of episodes in one day, with breaks for wardrobe changes, and stuff like that,” said Levine. “Hill has been great. She has a lot of pantsuits, so it’s quick for her to just throw on a new color, and get back out there. The game really came together when she took on hosting duties. It’s going to be great!”

POPlitics will begin airing in April on GSN.

Oscars Telecast To Feature Only Black People, Minorities In Audience

Posted on January 29, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

The Oscars have been under fire for several years for not having many representatives of color appear in any of the awards categories, especially when it comes to acting awards and Best Picture.

This year, the Academy has fought back, saying that although there still aren’t many minorities represented within the awards categories, they will fill all the seats in the audience with “blacks and other minorities.”

“Normally, the seats around the stage are filled with the celebrities, who are, naturally, white people,” said Oscars telecast director Joe Lambert. “This year, the Academy wanted to do something different, so we’re having all the people who will actually win the awards – that is, the white, talented people – sit way in the back, and in the balconies. The front seats will be filled be a slew of ‘seat fillers,’ which we have every year anyway so in case George Clooney runs to the crapper, the seats all still look full on TV. This year, the difference is that every single seat filler that we hired is blacker than the ace of spades.”

When questioned about where Denzel Washington would be seated, as he actually is nominated this year for his film, Fences, Lambert said he “couldn’t be sure,” but he thought that the Academy wanted Denzel seated with the whites “this time.”

The Oscars are slated for February 26th, and will be broadcast on ABC.

Man Killed After Mistakenly Thinking Red Bull Energy Drink Would Give Him Literal Wings

Posted on January 27, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARLSON, Idaho –

A 23-year-old man, Jacob Andrews, was killed yesterday after he jumped out of the window of his 6th floor apartment in Carlson, Idaho. According to friends, Andrews had drank an entire case of the energy drink Red Bull, and mistakenly thought that the beverage would give him actual, literal wings.

“We’d been drinking vodka red bulls for like, at least 5 or 6 hours,” said Andrews’ friend, Miles Teller. “After awhile, Jacob began talking about how he could fly, the commercials promised him wings, that he could jump out the window and he’d be okay. We tried to explain that it was just a commercial, they weren’t being literal. He was always a stupid drunk.”

Andrews apparently downed one last can of the drink, and leaped through the window.

“Funny thing is, Jacob didn’t even open the window – he smashed right through the glass, too” said Police Chief Marcus Wiggum. “Even if the 6 story drop didn’t kill him, he was pretty messed up from smashing through the giant, double-paned glass.”

‘The Golden Girls’ To Get Netflix Reboot; Betty White Will Reprise Role as Rose

Posted on January 26, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Betty White has always said that she plans to work up until the day she dies, and at 96 years young, she’s not kidding. The actress, who is perhaps best known for her role on the 80s sitcom The Golden Girls, says that she has inked a deal with Netflix, who acquired the rights to the show from NBC, to appear once again as her iconic character, Rose Nylund, for a series reboot filming this year.

The original series starred White, Bea Arthur, Estelle Getter, and Rue McClanahan – all of whom have passed on, save for White. The rebooted series will star White, but so far no other cast members have been announced.

“The original series ended, and then we went on to film The Golden Palace for awhile, but then that one ended, too,” said White. “I have only seen the pilot script for the reboot, but it’s very funny. It takes place in the same house. A woman outbids Rose for Blanche’s house at an auction, but the two become friends and end up moving into the place together. Then, Rose’s daughter, who is now in her 60s, moves in as well, along with her 30-something daughter. The house is full once more, and the story really is a laugh riot.”

White says that she signed on for the initial 6 episodes, but doesn’t know much more about the story or the characters.

“It didn’t take much coaxing to get me to play Rose one more time,” said White. “I truly cannot wait.”

WWE Chairman Vince McMahon Says Donald Trump Will Make Appearance At Wrestlemania

Posted on January 26, 2017 by Bob The Empire News Potato

STAMFORD, CT –

WWE Chairman Vince McMahon announced today that he has tapped President Donald Trump to appear at Wrestlemania 33 in Orlando, Florida on April 2nd.

Trump, who had a long story arch in the WWE in the 90s and was entered into the WWE Wrestling Hall of Fame in 2013, says that he is “extremely excited” to get back in the ring.

“It was one of the best times of my life, attacking Vince McMahon and appearing on their Pay-Per-View events,” said Trump. “Vince and I, we’ve been friends a long time. Rivals in the world of business, but friends all the same. When he asked me to return, I wasn’t sure it was the best thing to do, because I’ve got a lot going on right now, but this is a yuge opportunity and will be a lot of fun for me, and hopefully for the Wrestlemania crowd in Orlando. I have no problem taking a steel chair to the face, as long as that chair was made by the United Steel Workers Union here in the great country I call home – the United States of America.”

“We are very excited that Donnie will be coming back in,” said McMahon in a press release posted to WWE.com. “He has always been a friend to this company, to the wrestling world, to the world of Sports Entertainment, and as an honored member of the Hall of Fame, we are very excited to have him appear at Wrestlemania 33.”

Neither McMahon nor Trump have indicated in what capacity the latter would be appearing, but McMahon did drop a hint that he hoped Trump wouldn’t have any problem getting color.

Morbidly Obese Woman Let Her Children Die Of Starvation: ‘There Was Only Enough Food For Me’

Posted on December 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BIGSBY, New Jersey –

A New Jersey woman has been arrested after all 3 of her young children were found dead in her home. The cause of death has been listed as malnutrition. The woman starved all of her kids because she said she could “only afford enough food” for herself.

“Look, ya’ll know I’m on the welfare. I ain’t got enough money coming in to feed my ass, plus all them damn kids. This ain’t no restaurant. I gotsta eat, and they just young kids. They didn’t need much anyway,” said Tawanda Grapes, 30. “This whole thing got me all fucked up, because I ain’t been able to eat in a couple hours now with all these cops asking questions and stuff.”

According to police, Grapes was only feeding her children “whatever was left” after her meals, which normally was not much more than a few drops of ketchup on the hamburger wrapper or the melted ice from a soda cup.

Police are saying it is it the worst case of child abuse that they have ever seen. The children, who were aged 2, 3, and 6, had not eaten in as many as 11 days, says the medical examiner.

Grapes will be charged with voluntary manslaughter. If convicted, she will face the death penalty.

12-Year-Old Girl Who Didn’t Get Pony For Christmas Murders Parents While Wearing Horse Mask

Posted on December 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CARLTON, California –

A 12-year-old girl who asked her parents to get her a pony for Christmas has been arrested for murder, after it was discovered that she stabbed and cut up her parents for not getting her what she asked for.

“I wanted a goddamn pony, and they got me a horse,” said the girl, whose name is not being revealed due to her age. “I didn’t want a fucking horse, I wanted a pony. There’s a difference, and if they’re too stupid to know it, then they’re too stupid to live.”

According to police, the young girl herself called 911 to admit to her crime, and said that they could find her parents in the “goddamn stable” next to the “diced up body of that shitty horse.”

Police Chief Carl Lewis said it was the most gruesome scene that he’d ever witnessed.

“There were horse parts and body parts all over. We really had no idea which piece was human and which was not, it was insane. That fact that this was all done by a little girl, that’s what makes it even scarier,” said Lewis. “We also found a rubber horse mask, which she apparently wore during the crime.”

Currently, the girl is being housed in an undisclosed prison by police, with plans for her to be arraigned on January 3rd. If convicted, she will be the youngest person ever put on death row.

Uber Driver Refuses To Pick Up Woman In Labor, Didn’t Want To Help Deliver Baby

Posted on December 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana –

An Uber driver in Indianapolis is being sued by a couple who had to deliver their baby on the street after they say the driver would not let them into his car.

“We ordered an Uber as soon as my wife went into labor, and when the driver showed up, late I might add, he wouldn’t take us to the hospital. He didn’t want to get any ‘baby gunk’ on his seats, and said he wouldn’t know what to do if he had to try and deliver the baby,” said John Richards. “My wife gave birth right on the sidewalk instead. Our baby could have caught something from the street filth!”

The driver, Mr. Tony Trims, says that there was “no fucking way” he was letting these people into his car when he saw that the woman was in labor.

“Look, I ain’t saying they’re bad people or nothing, but for sure she was gonna leak on my seats. Part of the Uber policy is that I don’t have to pick up anyone if I don’t want to. I took the job, yeah, but the next guy would have been along in about a minute,” said Trims. “They spent that time bitchin’ at me instead of ordering another Uber. Not my problem.”

The lawsuit has been filed by the Richards family, and they say that their lawyer thinks they have a “hell of” a discrimination case.

You Won’t BELIEVE What These ‘Hatchimals’ Toys Are Saying To Kids!

Posted on December 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A mother in Boston who bought each of her 7 children the year’s hottest toy, a Hatchimal, says the creatures had been mostly speaking gibberish when first opened on Christmas morning, but over the last week, have started saying some “truly disturbing things.”

“These Hatchimals are basically just like those old Ferby toys, remember those?” said Carla Jones, 28. “I had one of those when I was a kid. They spoke in random gibberish. Well, these Hatchimals, they did too mostly. But then the other day, I noticed that my youngest son, Tyler, who is 4, started saying some horrible things. I asked him where he learned those words, and he pointed to his Hatchimal.”

Jones was asked if the words could be repeated for print, and she said “she didn’t think they should be said,” but wanted to make sure that other parents knew what these “dangerous toys” were teaching their children.

“If it was only something as simple as it saying ‘fuck’ or something, then I’d be okay with that. They hear that kind of talk on Sesame Street these days, for crying out loud,” said Jones. “No, it was much more sinister. I’m honestly having a hard time saying the words, but truly, everyone should know. These Hatchimals, they taught my son to say ‘Donald Trump will make a great president.’ OH MY GOD I can’t believe I said it. It’s so sick.”

Empire News reached out the company behind Hatchimals, but received no response.