Political Shocker: Bill Clinton To Tour Campaign Circuit In Support Of Donald Trump

Posted on October 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

According to sources inside the Trump campaign, former president Bill Clinton will be hitting the campaign trail next month in support of the toupee-wearing candidate.

“Bill Clinton reached out to us last week, and asked to be included in the campaign,” said Trump’s campaign president Rick Moyer. “I was honestly a little taken aback. I can’t believe he wouldn’t support his own wife in the election.”

“Hey man, I can support whoever I’d like. Just because I married her doesn’t mean I thought she’d make a good president. I just thought she’d make a good wife and mom,” said Bill Clinton. “She’s great at those things. She’s great at a lot of things, if you know what I mean. Well, not all things. Sometimes you gotta get your interns to do those things. I digress, though. My point is, she’d make a horrible president. Donald Trump on the other hand, now there’s a man who knows how to get things done.”

According to a press release issued by the Trump campaign, Bill Clinton will hit the campaign circuit and speak on behalf of Trump in areas where his poll numbers are lacking.

Trump Says After He’s Elected, He’ll Finally Rid World Of ‘Biggest Problem’

Posted on October 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump has announced that when he is elected president next year, he will finally get rid of the problems that have been plaguing the entire world, and his sights are set on something very close to home: his toupée.

“I understand that my hair looks like a Troll doll, or a cat’s ass, or a hamster trying to escape a cage,” said Trump. “When I am elected next year…when I am elected…I will finally be removing my toupée, and I will be going bald.”

Trump says that he has decided to remove the hairpiece as a movement of solidarity – not only with bald men everywhere, but with the entire nation who has mocked and ridiculed him.

“The whole country has made jokes at my expense, and many of them revolved around my hair,” said Trump. “If I am going to fix this country, then I need to fix the joking, and so that means getting rid of this fake hair. There will never again be Hell Toupée after I’m elected.”

Kanye West Announces Run For Presidency In 2020, Oddly Assumes He’ll Still Be Relevant

Posted on August 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

During the MTV VMAs, an award ceremony in its 32nd year that approximately 6 people may have cared to watch, producer, rapper, and Mr. Kardashian himself, Kanye West, announced that he would run for president during the 2020 elections.

“No one would make a better president than I would,” said West, presumably. “Hell, we’ve already had one black president. I could run in 2016, but I forgot those elections were happening, and I’m a little late. So I’ll run in 2020, and I’ll win. Plus, Kim will make one hell of a first lady, that’s for damn sure.”

According to political analysts, West has approximately a “0%” chance of ever becoming elected, whether he ran in 2016, 2020, or in 2040.

“Kanye West is already fading into obscurity, thank God,” said political analyst Mike Phisher. “He does these things to make himself stand out for a second, like interrupting Taylor Swift, having unhealthy obsessions with Beyonce, having really ugly babies and naming them odd-ball things. He’s not really a celebrity anymore, and by 2020 he’ll be completely forgotten. He’s kind of just the male version of his wife, Kim Kardashian. He has about as much chance being elected president as an illegal immigrant from Mexico. Besides, what party would want him? There is no ‘pretentious asshole’ party.”

West reportedly seems undeterred.

“I will certainly stand a better chance than most people, as I have tons of money to waste and can run easily spend enough to get noticed, not that there’s any way that I won’t still be in the spotlight,” said West. “Thing is, nobody is better than me at anything. I could be the next president, the next Pope, the shit don’t matter. Whatever I’m doing, I’m doing it better than anyone.”

Donald Trump Ends Rosie O’Donnell Feud, Asks Her To Be Presidential Running Mate

Posted on August 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump has reportedly squashed his long-standing feud with TV personality Rosie O’Donnell, and sources are indicating that he has asked her to be his running mate in the 2016 presidential elections. There has been no confirmation on whether O’Donnell has accepted the offer, but members of Trump’s campaign team say that they are “pretty sure” that O’Donnell will commit.

“At this point, Ms. O’Donnell has not accepted Mr. Trump’s offer to run as his Vice President during the 2016 elections, but we have high hopes that she will commit. She’s definitely got the mouth to be included in such a career,” said Trump’s campaign manager, Rick Turner.

According to insiders, the entire thing is just a “marketing ploy” to make the public view Trump in a more positive light.

“Frankly, the only reason that Trump would want someone like Rosie O’Donnell to run with him is because he can’t possibly win the election without some minority voters,” said an anonymous source from Trumps campaign team. “He could have chosen a black running mate, or a Latino, or other such minority. Instead, he chose O’Donnell, because she’s a big mouthed lesbian. That right there can account for a huge chunk of the gay vote, the woman voters, and even some of the blacks, just because.”

O’Donnell could not be reached for comment, but a close friend says that she would “love to be Vice President,” but that she has no intentions of doing so with Donald Trump as the man in charge.

Netanyahu Secures Election Victory, Ready To Resume Guessing What U.S. Wants

Posted on March 25, 2015 by Josh Marcus

JERUSALEM, Israel –

Benjamin Netanyahu has been strongly criticised regarding statements he made immediately prior to the Israeli elections last week. He expressed definitively that the touted Two State Solution would not occur “on [his] watch”. Additionally, he warned right-wingers that Arabs were “coming out in droves” to vote, and that they must counter that; a statement that had not so subtle racist undertones.

But Netanyahu characteristically responded powerfully this week, in an apparent return to the status quo of saying just enough to appease the US government and keep up relations between the two nations. He swiftly denied he had abandoned the Two State Solution, despite recorded evidence of him having done so. He also apologized for being racist, saying “some of my best subjects are Arabs”.

Political analysts responded with an atypical disinterest to the Israeli Prime Minister’s remarks. According to them, the whole process was “tediously predictable”.

“Everyone knew he’d pander to right-winger in order to win essential votes to keep him in power,” said NBC’s Hunter Worthington. “Of course, he could not stand by those comments without drastically damaging Israeli-US relations, which let’s be honest – Israel needs us more than we need them.”

John Oliver, presenter of weekly HBO satire Last Week Tonight, was far more ebullient in his coverage of Netanyahu’s obvious political manoeuvring.

“If he gets away with this, he should be known as NetanyaHou-dini,” the British anchor said. Oliver is known to pull no punches, even when it comes to important US officials and allies, and more is expected from him on this front.

“I think we can expect John [Oliver] to mock Netanyahu’s future comments that he treasures his relationship with President Obama; his commitment to the safety of the Arab population in the Occupied Territories; as well as his assertions that he actually plans to work towards a peace that involves Palestinian statehood while opposing it in the UN.”

Democrats Invite Iranian President To Speak Before Congress ‘Just To Piss Off Republicans’

Posted on March 8, 2015 by Josh Marcus

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In the latest round of exchanged animosities between the Republican and Democratic Parties, Barack Obama has officially invited Iranian president, Hassan Rouhani, to speak before Congress. The news comes in the wake of House Speaker, John Boehner, inviting Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu to speak in what is usually considered a ‘sacred’, constitutionally defended forum.

“We think it’s only appropriate that President Rouhani gets the same opportunity as Netanyahu,” Obama told a press conference. “After all, Netanyahu’s speech was designed as a defamation of Rouhani’s country. Also, we happen to know that the Republicans will hate this. Two can play at this game.”

Political experts around the country have been frantically throwing their opinions at our reporters.

“Get ready for a fight night like never before!” said Rita Harlow. “I expect Boehner and Obama to get physical this time around.”

“Rouhani is gonna blow those Republicans away,” Noel Reed told us. “Not literally – I mean, not with a nuclear bomb or anything. I mean, oh God, I didn’t mean… I don’t know anything I promise!”

Congress has already been likened this week to a ‘high school’, a ‘neighborhood watch meeting’, and a ‘parents-teachers AGM’. The Republican invitation to Netanyahu – which was kept secret until all plans were finalised – was an unprecedented breach of protocol. All the more so, since Netanyahu’s agenda was apparent – as the speech coincided with the upcoming Israeli elections.

“We’re organizing new elections in Iran,” said minority leader Nancy Pelosi. “Our move has to be just as petty as theirs. Otherwise, they still have one up on us. Which is entirely unacceptable when dealing with petty politics.”

Iranian President Hassan Rouhani, for his part, has thanked the Democratic Party for inviting him to speak before Congress. Although his gracious acceptance did have one caveat.

“I’m delighted to have the opportunity to speak to Congress,” he said. “However, I want to ensure that no partisan politics are reflected in the decision. Otherwise, no deal. I will not compromise the stature of Iranian Democracy for the petty infighting of US politics.”

New Hampshire Candidate For Governor Says ‘Women Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Vote’

Posted on November 7, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

With the elections over this week throughout the U.S., many people are seeing their favorite candidate, or a hated rival, elected into office. In New Hampshire, though, one man isn’t blaming his loss to Maggie Hassan in the race for Governor on a poor race, or a bad campaign. Independent hopeful Lou Sanus, 73, says that his loss was because of ‘women voters.’

“Susan B. Anthony can suck my old balls,” said Sanus in his concession speech. “If that damn meddling bitch hadn’t stepped out of line back then, then I could have been elected governor today. Of course a woman won – she got all the women voters in her corner! And everyone knows that when a woman wants something, she gets it, or she holds out on the sex, so I’m sure plenty of horny men voted the way their wives told them to, leaving me in the dust!”

Sanus seems to think that women shouldn’t be allowed to vote, on the sheer fact that a woman could ‘never understand’ the complexities of politics.

“Being governor, hell, being in any office – it’s not easy,” said Sanus during his campaign run. “It’s not just sitting around all day in big, leather office chairs getting pleasured by sweet, young, secretaries like some people think – although I won’t say that’s not a great part of the job, wink wink.”

“Lou Sanus thinks women shouldn’t vote, and that their place is either in the kitchen, or on his micropenis,” said voter Mary Jordan. “He made that so clear throughout his campaign, of course no woman would vote for him. No smart man, either. A vote for Sanus is a vote for sending us back to the dark ages. The man should be put to sleep.”

“That’s the kind of feminazi bullshit I’ve been hearing my entire campaign,” said Sanus in response. “I’m a man’s man, and a hell of a lover. Dark ages? Good Lord, some people…or should I say, some women? I don’t have a micropenis, by the way. That ugly dog wouldn’t know a good lay or a good candidate if I gave her both at the same time. Next year, I’m going to run in Maine. Hell, the only important issue on their ballot was whether or not to let people keep trapping bears – and who even gives a shit about bears?”

Governor Maggie Hassan (D), who received 52% of the vote, had no comment about her competitor, except to say “Who the hell is Lou Sanus?”

Colorado Residents Vote To Legalize Prostitution Throughout The State

Posted on November 5, 2014 by Abe Abrams

BOULDER, Colorado –

The people of Colorado overwhelmingly passed amendment P-69, better known as the ‘Freedom To Work Act’, yesterday afternoon in state voting. The little known amendment had not seen much press, and the politicians that sponsored the amendment have no idea how it got on the ballot.

“Potter and I wrote the amendment at a bachelor party as a joke, we were both pretty drunk and at the time and it was getting annoying proving to the girls we weren’t cops,” said Rep. Brian Brown. “Apparently, though, the people have spoken – or in this case voted, and amendment P-69 has legalized prostitution in the great state of Colorado. The only two possibilities are the name of the amendment was deceiving and people had no idea what they were voting for, or 87% of Coloradan’s are in favor or prostitution. This is why I urged people not to vote stoned.”

It’s going to nice not having to worry about getting arrested anymore. One of my friends is getting t-shirts made that say, ‘I’m a Prostitute – ask for prices!'” said working girl Havana Humphrey. “Me, I’m going to set up a business in my house, it will be just like a doctor’s office with a waiting room and magazines, except instead of anal probes and cancer screenings, we’ll give blowjobs. Actually, on second thought, we’ll give anal probes, too. That costs extra though.”

“I had no idea, amendment P-69 sounded good, I mean ‘freedom,’ ‘work,’ – those are good things, right?” asked Wilma Wilson, an 89-year-old retired nurse.”I had no idea it was about prostitution, this state is going to hell in a hand basket, I tell ya. First the marijuana and now this – what’s next, public nudity? I’m packing up and moving to Florida where people still have some good sense.”

‘Political Vigilante’ Removes Campaign Signs From Public Areas

Posted on October 2, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DULUTH, Minnesota –

Across the entire country, political and campaign signs begin being stuck into grounds in late September and early October, gearing up for a very-public election season. Homeowners who want to show support for their party candidate or candidates often put signs in front of their own homes. Business owners often stupidly do the same, cutting off half of their clientele by openly displaying a preference to one candidate or another. The rest of the signs, though, are placed – and usually overly saturated – on public roadsides, town squares, and anywhere else there may be a tuft of grass to prop a sign.

Although nearly every town in the country has laws against placing these ‘election litter’ signs on public property, few get removed, as towns don’t have the time or money to send someone to toss them. Because of this, one Duluth, Minnesota man has taken the problem into his own hands, and has gone out every night for the last two weeks, removing hundreds and hundreds of political ads and signs that have been strewn across his hometown.

“To be quite honest, the signs are just ugly, and it’s some straight-up bulls— that they are strewn all around, cluttering up the scenery,” said Carl Meadows, who Duluth residents are calling their ‘political vigilante.’ “No one likes these signs. They are just stupid. I also can’t figure out what the point of them really is. If you’re a Republican, you’re probably going to vote Republican. Ditto that for Democrats. Everyone else votes for their candidate of choice. There is no one – and I mean no one – throughout the history of time, who has voted based on who had more signs littering the town.”

Meadows, 53, has lived in Duluth his entire life, and he says he never remembers the littering done by the campaign teams to be as bad as it’s gotten the last few years.

“Two years ago, I spent the day mowing and cleaning up my yard. I went to bed, pretty proud of how my yard looked after a hard day out there. The next morning, I woke up, and there were 14 campaign signs in my yard. I nearly burst a vein I was so damn angry.”

Meadows is not alone in his hatred for the signs. Many residents in most towns say that they are ‘disturbed’ by how much trash these elections really create.

“It’s really just too in-your-face, you know?” said Eileen James, a Duluth resident. “We are bombarded by stupid ads on TV, then we leave our homes, and every other house and business has a sign. I don’t fault an individual for wanting to support a candidate, and what you do to your own property is your business. But I tell you, these politicians use their constituents as a dick-swinging contest. ‘Oh, whoever puts out the most signs has the bigger political penis.’ It’s asinine.”

According to research by the Political Research and Knowledge Foundation in Boston, no person has ever seen a political ad or campaign sign and changed their mind about who they were voting for. Their research shows that anyone who is that stupid probably shouldn’t have been considering the idea of voting in the first place.

Hillary Clinton Caught In Love Affair With Female White House Staff Member

Posted on September 27, 2014 by JP

Washington D.C. –

The Clinton name is back in the news this week, but for once it isn’t former President Bill Clinton who is under the spotlight – this time it’s his wife, Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who is under scrutiny, after allegedly being caught having an affair with her co-worker.

The co-worker in question is a former White House secretary, and it is being speculated that the affair has been happening since Hillary first took the job as Secretary of State. The woman, who so far has only been listed in the press as ‘Samille,’ has not been fully identified. It is still unclear if that is a pseudonym. So far, the only information that appears to be accurate is that the affair has taken place over several years.

‘Samille’ was not directly hired by Clinton, and reports indicate it may have been someone who had worked within the White House for many years, possibly meeting Hillary as far back as when her husband was President. Sources within the White House say that they spent so much time together ‘working,’ and having late-night meetings, that people began to wonder if there was something illicit happening almost as far back as 2012. The alleged affair officially came to light when a White House staffer, who had set up a meeting with Hillary, showed up 15 minutes early only to find the lovers kissing.

Since the accusations, Samille has admitted to it happening a lot more than once, and is claiming that she couldn’t help her emotions towards the former first lady.

“I mean it was something about the power, and the political presence that she holds. Plus, my God – the pantsuits are to die for, you know? They just set a fire in my heart…and between my legs,” said Samille via email to the Associated Press.

Former president Bill Clinton, who was first confronted with the news by reporters who caught him out to dinner on a business meeting, was asked if this would be the end of his marriage with Hillary.

“Oh God, I don’t think so. I mean, I think if anything at this point we would be considered even,” said former president Clinton, not at all taken aback by the news of his wife’s alleged infidelity. “She stood by me while I diddled everything that walked into the Oval Office, or Oral Office, as I liked to call it, haha. It’s high time she took the stick out and had a little fun, if you know what I mean. I just hope this might parlay into a little mixing-together-three, if you catch my drift.”

Political analysts are saying that the news breaking at this time might actually be good for Clinton, especially if she has any plans on running for president in 2016.

“When the truth came out about [Bill] Clinton giving Monica Lewinsky the ol’ heave-ho, and Hillary stood by him for some stupid reason, people called her a coward and a wimp. The claimed she didn’t have the nerve to leave her husband because he was president, when any other woman on the face of the planet would have just said “sayonara,'” said political analyst for the Washington Post Times, Bill Reed. “This turns everything on its head. This will get her the vote if she runs in 2016. Women will begin to love her for that strong sense of womanhood, and men might actually find her appealing now, because all men fantasize about two women going at it. Even if one of them is Hillary Clinton, who has the sex appeal of a school house fire.”

As of this time, there has been no official statement given by Hillary Clinton or anyone from within her political party. When asked about her take on the events, from an ‘insiders’ perspective, Monica Lewinsky said “Well, at least this time it wasn’t me. I certainly don’t need any of those kind of stains on any of my dresses.”