NBC Announces Plans To Release ‘Friends: The Movie’

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HOLLYWOOD, California –

NBC, the company behind one of the biggest sitcoms of all time, has announced that they have signed the entire original cast of Friends to a major motion picture deal.

“For some reason, people just will not let this show die the death it so rightfully deserves,” said NBC Chairman Dennis Belding. “Even after a ten-year run, and then being off the air another ten years, the fans cannot get enough of Joey, Chandler, and whatever the other characters names were.”

Belding says that the slew of fan-made trailers for a film, some of them coming out better than actual Hollywood trailers, that have popped up on YouTube over the years, were one of the biggest reasons they knew that people were still clamoring for more Friends. 

“Thankfully, since most of the original cast, with the exception of Jennifer Aniston, have been stuck in TV-hell on horrible shows ever since Friends ended, it wasn’t too hard to get them to sign on, even without a script. We’re still working out the details of the plot, but the show was on for ten years, and was horrible the entire time, so it really doesn’t matter. People will see any movie based on TV shows. Just look at Sex and the City.”

“I’m so excited to get back together with everyone,” said Courtney Cox, one of the former stars of Friends. “The fans, they just wouldn’t let us die. Well, the fans and Entertainment Weekly. I swear, that magazine has had more cover-stories and multi-page articles about Friends since the show ended than they ever did when we were on. It’s kind of creepy, actually. Like an uncle who pats you on the bum, but then the hand just lingers, you know?”

Insider reports indicate that the movie is being made for a fraction of the cost of the original series, thanks mostly to all of the cast losing their star-power since the show ended.

“When the show was on, the cast members were all making over a million dollars per episode, each” said Belding. “Thankfully, no one cares about David Schwimmer anymore, and we’re giving him the paycheck to prove it. God knows why they ever did care about David Schwimmer. Anyway, they’re all working for peanuts this time around. Well, except for Jennifer Aniston, of course.”

NBC Plans ‘Big Bang Theory’ Feature Film

LOS ANGELES, California – 

NBC, the company behind the hit TV series The Big Bang Theory, has announced they have begun negotiations with the cast of the show to star in a big-budget, theatrically-released film the company has been planning.

“Somehow, unbeknownst to us, The Big Bang Theory has really captured audiences, and continues to always pull in great viewer numbers,” said NBC CEO Mark Rutherford. “We have yet to figure out how such a God awful piece of shit show like Big Bang actually works, but it does, and we’re definitely going to cash in.”

The Big Bang Theory, which centers around a group of nerds and who make lame jokes about stupid, pseudo-science, is mostly unwatchable for people with actual taste, but appears to do well in the 18-25 age group, especially when you tie in the 18-25 year-olds who also smoke marijuana.

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“We’ve placed the show in a prime time slot, not just for TV, but prime time for stoners,” said Rutherford. “We want these people to watch this crap, with its annoying laugh track and piss-poor comedy writing, because they’re bringing in the ratings. And ratings equal money. The more ratings, the more money, and the more money we’ll sink into crap like this in the future.”

Crap for the future is what NBC is banking on by creating what they say is a first in a “long line” of planned sitcoms turned into films.

“We cannot wait to finalized this deal with the Big Bang cast, and no doubt they will be excited to be the first from our NBC family to make the leap to the big screen,” said Rutherford. “There will be others that follow, assuming this piece of shit movie gets off the ground and makes the kind of money that this piece of shit show has.”

Saturday Night Live To Move To Wednesday 7PM Time Slot

Saturday Night Live To Move To Wednesday 7PM Time Slot

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

For the last 40 years, Saturday Night Live has aired their sketch comedy show on late night television, and of course, it has always been aired on Saturday nights. Now, some big changes are underway in hopes of reenergizing a brand that has exposed the world to some of the best comedians of all time.

“Basically, we need to shake things up,” said SNL executive Lorne Michaels. “We’ve been on for 40 years, the same night, same time, doing the same kinds of things. We need to stay competitive in TV, and this is a change that has been long overdue.”

According to NBC, the network that airs the show, and Michaels, SNL will move from its current time slot to one that NBC feels will help boost ratings, choosing to air the show Wednesday nights at 7pm.

“Right now, there is nothing good to watch on TV Wednesday nights at 7pm, and we hope to change that,” said NBC Chairman Robert Greenblatt. “Moving SNL to Wednesday is a huge change, but one that both Lorne and the network really feel will breathe a new life into the stagnant show.”

Saturday Night Live will reportedly retain its name, although aside from the Saturday part changing, the Live part will reportedly be changing as well.

“Yeah, we’re going to tape it on Monday afternoons now,” said Michaels. “To be honest, no one will notice anyway. It will allow us to get better performances from our cast and guests, as well as allow us to hone the bits a little more. They tend to fall flat most of the time right now, and we can change that for sure. The pre-taped segments, like Dick In A Box or Lazy Sunday by The Lonely Island were always the more popular ones, anyway. Now, the whole show can be a YouTube sensation!”

The show will take up its new time slot starting next season.

Live Sex Show Pulled From NBC After Accidentally Broadcasting Necrophilia

Live Sex Show Pulled From NBC After Accidentally Broadcasting Necrophilia

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

NBC have given up on their controversial ‘Live Sex Project’, just three days into airing. The 24 hour reality series, which broadcast live from a gritty motel room, showed everyday people who had been screened by the network having raunchy sex. But the project hit a hitch when, unbeknownst to the other fornicator, a woman died in the middle of coitus.

“The poor guy had no idea, and just kept on fucking her,” reported Ellen Degeneres, one of the producers of the show. “All of a sudden, he realizes he’s committing necrophilia on live television. Afterwards I saw him compulsively washing his dick, as if that could remove the everlasting taint of dead pussy.”

Members of the Westboro Baptist Church have announced that they plan to attend the funeral, protesting any further broadcasts of this sort.

“She got what she deserved!” spat a crazy woman at our reporter. “The whore! Fucking on live television like there was no tomorrow. Well guess what? There is no tomorrow! God has shown his vengeance against immoral sluts.”

Dead rights group, The Dead Have Feelings Too (TDHFT), have however responded with condemnation of the media’s handling of the event.

“Everything is permissible these days,” said headless head of the organization, Lord Jackson. “Sex before marriage, homosexuality, in front of people – but dead people aren’t allowed to have sex. No, if the person is dead, it’s ‘sick’. It’s time we took a stand, and asserted our right to have intercourse, whether or not it’s broadcast on those fancy boxes.”

NBC executives are reportedly planning a new 24 hour show to replace the botched experiment. Anonymous sources say they have drawn inspiration from the proverbial cock up, and plan to start production on live visuals from a mausoleum, in which the doings of dead people will be broadcast.

“People want to see what goes on in deadville,” said one source. “They don’t know what it’s like to be locked up in that place. We think it’ll be quite a thriller.”

New Reality Show to Follow Meghan Trainor’s Sudden Descent into Obscurity

New Reality Show to Follow Meghan Trainor’s Sudden Descent into Obscurity

 

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

NBC has revealed plans of a new reality show, which will follow the rapid demise of Meghan Trainor’s career after the success of her smash hit, All About That Bass, dies down. Filming has reportedly already started, tracking an excited and optimistic Trainor at what she believes is the beginning of a long and prosperous life in the limelight.

“The show will be called, Meghan Trainor: the Unsurprising Story,” said producer Gary Rockerforth. “Viewers will get to see what is by now a familiar scenario. An artist – say, Gotcha or Carly Rae Jepson – releases a track that becomes everyone’s ‘song of the year’. It’s stuck in everyone’s heads for months, countless YouTube covers are released which bring even a more brief fame to that YouTuber, and only the ‘superstar’ thinks it’s the breakthrough they’ve always waited for. A year later, the public nostalgically Googles the song in an attempt to remember who sang it.”

Trainor herself appeared over the moon at the announcement.

“This past year has been overwhelming to say the least,” she gushed to TMZ. “First, my song was picked up by all the major stations and I couldn’t have predicted the impact it would have. Now my own reality show! I can’t even begin to imagine what’s next.”

Friends of Trainor have revealed their own reluctance at appearing in the show with her.

“Meghan is great and I love her, but I don’t want to be in her situation,” said one close friend. “If I’m on her show, my fame will come and go even faster than hers.”

News is currently coming in that NBC has cancelled the series, which had already been knocked down to a mini-series, due to the fact that there’s not likely to be more than five episodes and already waning public interest.

NBC Confirms ‘Seinfeld’ Coming Back To Television, Entire Cast Signs 3 Year Deal

NBC Confirms ‘Seinfeld’ Coming Back To Television, Entire Cast Signs 3 Year Deal

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Time to rejoice America, Seinfeld is officially coming back to TV in the fall of 2015. Negotiations have been going on behind closed doors for months, and NBC refused to greenlight the project until the entire cast signed on, with Jerry himself being the last holdout.

“I was under a lot of pressure from the guys to sign on,” said the show’s star, Jerry Seinfeld. ”I was pretty happy being semi-retired and stupidly wealthy, but Julia, Michael, and Jason, man, they really needed the money and wanted to be on top again. So I guess I’ll come back and star cashing those million-dollar-per-episode checks again. Larry David will produce us once more, and the show will still be about nothing, just nothing set years later. It’s going to be the same exact set, it’s going to be like we never left. The first episode will be about auto-correct and text messages, should be a lot of fun.”

“Kramer’s back baby!” said Michael Richards. ”Thank God Jerry agreed to do it. The best thing is all of us being back together again. We were all part of something special years ago and we never stopped being friends. I don’t care if no one watches, which clearly won’t even be possible, but as long as I get to work with my best friends and those sweet TV paychecks come in, I’ll be happy. Anything that keeps people from remembering that racist tirade I went on a few years back. Oh damn, I brought it up again, didn’t I? Er – Seinfeld! Yeah!”

“It’s sad that they have to keep rehashing these old shows,” said film and TV critic Carmine Classi. ”With all the crap on TV today though, I’m really looking forward to Seinfeld coming back this fall. Dreyfus, Richards, and Alexander all sucked on solo projects, but together they at least make a passible show. It may be about nothing, but plenty of people watched Jersey Shore, and that’s not exactly about anything, either. Personally, I think Jerry Seinfeld deserves a Nobel Peace Prize or something for making this happen.”

 

NBC Nightly News Anchor Brian Williams Claims He Shot Osama Bin Laden

NBC Nightly News Anchor Brian Williams Claims He Shot Osama Bin Laden

 

NEW YORK, New York – 

News reporter Brian Williams, who was recently caught in allegedly lying or embellishing news reports of things he saw on assignment – including those about being shot down in a helicopter during the invasion of Iraq – has made another shocking claim. After what critics have called a ‘lame apology,’ Williams is now saying that while on assignment in 2011 in Pakistan, that he is the one that fired the bullet that killed Osama Bin Laden.

“I was on assignment with the SEALS when we got the green light to take down Bin Laden,” said Williams. “Flying over Pakistan towards the compound, the SEALS were nervous, luckily they all looked up to me, so I just smiled at them and said ‘this is what we train for, boys!’ After landing in the compound, I was the first man through the door, I shot one of Bin Laden’s guards and one of his wives, then I let SEAL Team Six finish the sweep of the first floor.”

Williams claims that he was left alone to check the rest of the building, but that he was happy to do it, because it meant that the SEAL team didn’t have to face would could have been certain death.

“Heading up the stairs, I could see the fear in the eyes of the SEAL team, so I said ‘don’t worry boys, I got this this,’ and headed up alone. When I got to Bin Laden’s room, I kicked in the door and found him hiding in the corner. I just leveled my gun and said, ‘this is for the NBC Nightly News BITCH!’ and put a round between his eyes. I couldn’t have done it without SEAL Team Six, but I feel relieved to finally get it off my chest. It’s just like when I won the medal of honor in Vietnam. Or maybe it was in Korea. Actually, I think it was both. Yeah, it was both. This was just as exciting as that.”

Most viewers say that they feel sorry for Williams, and that he may have some sort of disorder that forces him to lie uncontrollably.

“Personally, I think Brian has a problem, in that he needs to feel important,” said psychologist Mark Cartman, who does not treat Williams. ”I think with years of therapy and some heavy doses of medication, he can get that whole, you know, embellishing problem fixed.”

“What’s next, is he going to tell us he’s Santa Claus?” asked NBC Nightly News buff Carmine Classi. ”Get this meathead off the air, he obviously has no credibility. I’d rather watch the reanimated corpse of Walter Cronkite report the news. That man had class!”

 

 

NBC Launches Remake Of Popular Sitcom ‘Friends’ Aimed At African-Americans, Show To Be Titled ‘My Niggas’

NBC Launches Spin-Off Of Popular Sitcom 'Friends' Aimed At African-Americans, Show Titled 'My Niggas'

 

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

NBC has announced today that they will be doing an ‘altered remake’ of one of their most popular sitcoms to date. The new show will be loosely based off their hit show Friends, and is tentatively titled My Niggas. 

The show will include a cast made up entirely of African-Americans, and will have the same structure as the original Friends sitcom but with what executives are calling “a little more edge.”

“The show will also still be based in New York, but no one wants to watch upper-middle class white douchebags anymore,” said NBC spokesman Dennis Belding. “This show will take place in the ghetto, a much harsher area. What we want to do is bring ‘,’humor out of the hood and show the American people that no matter what color skin you have, we all have our friends, or in this case, you got your niggas.”

Casting is currently under production, and while they report the show’s main stars will be African-Americans, they will have a feature white character appear on the show down the line, if the show is a success.

“Just like Jim Carey kicking some ass on In Living Color back in the day, you know?” said Belding. “This isn’t about cutting out one race or another, it’s about setting a comedy in a place where there normally isn’t very much laughter. There also aren’t too many white people there, either. We’ve updated everything to be more ‘black.’ So no more coffee shop, now the hangout is the check-cashing place on the corner. And the apartments aren’t going to be bright and nice, either. This is a sitcom based on the ‘real ‘hood,’ for sure.”

The creator of the original Friends sitcom is excited to bring back the essence of a classic NBC, show while also bringing new life to a major company. “I can tell you right now, My Niggas is going to be the hottest show on TV this fall. You wait and see,” said David Swan. “Oh, and don’t worry about the name. It’s cool, because it’s Niggas, and not, well, you know. That other version.”

Casting continues on the show until the end of February, and the show begins filming in April. Producers have already said that after the show takes off, President Obama is more than welcome to join the show as a recurring cast member once his presidency ends next year.

 

 

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