Changes In KKK Bylaws Allow For Colored Robes

Ad

klan

DECATUR, Alabama –

The KKK has been a thorn in the side of non-racists for nearly 100 years, but the group – which has seen a decline in membership as time has proven that they are a hate group – is making small changes to their membership bylaws that may entice new people to join, the group hopes.

“We are doing away with the all-white aspect of our group, for starters,” said Grand Master Paul Young. “No, not in skin color, because that would be ridiculous. We definitely only want WASPS in our group. But when it comes to our shawls, we are finally spreading out into an array of colors, allowing for people to make their own statements, while still hating anyone who isn’t just like us.”

Young says that he joined the Klan when he was 14, after his father taught him all about “white being right.”

“I always wanted to move up the ranks, to become a Grand Wizard, and I’m almost there, but I never thought I’d see this day where I could dye my white robes blue, or black,” said Young. “We even have a couple guys who are wearing brown robes, which is hilarious, and totally done in a sense of irony.”

Young says that he has seen other bylaws of the group that will be changed, and he says the public may be “pleasantly surprised” with what they’re doing in the future.

Boy Scouts of America Announce Decision To Only Allow Gay Boys Into Troops

boy scouts

BILLINGS, Montana – 

The Boys Scouts of America, long-known as one of the most horrible groups you could ever put your child in, has a history of bigoted behavior, not allowing African-American children into the groups until the 1970s, and still, to this day, not allowing gay or transgendered children or scout leaders to join.

Learn more about RevenueStripe...

All that is apparently changing, as the group has taken massive heat and controversy in the last several years. Today, the Boy Scouts of America have announced that they will no longer be accepting straight boys into the troops; from here on out, all children must be gay.

“This is a big leap forward for all of the homosexual scouts and leaders who have been forced to leave the Scouts over the years,” said former scout Johnny Mullens, a 19-year-old gay teen who was kicked out of his troop 7 years ago. “I think they’re taking it to an extreme here, since now they’re not even letting straight kids in, but hey, at least we’re making some headway.”

According to the Boy Scouts, they will be phasing out their current rosters over the remaining portion of the year, and are encouraging homosexual children between the ages of 9 and 16 to sign up.

New Hampshire Becomes First State To Legalize Tattooing of Infants Following Russian Viral Trend

baby tattoo

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

After several viral videos and images hit the web of Russian babies being tattooed, state legislators in New Hampshire have agreed that the trend is a positive one, and have agreed to allow parents to begin having their babies inked in the Granite State.

“Parents have been modifying their babies for years, from circumcision to ear piercing, no one has ever said that we, as a culture, have ever had an issue with changing our baby’s appearance for our own benefit,” said New Hampshire state representative Mary Lambert. “I pierced my daughter’s ears when she was only 4 months old. Had tattooing her been legal then, I would have done that as well.”

Lambert says that although the state has agreed to allow parents to have their babies tattooed, it still must be done in a licensed, professional shop.

“There is already an epidemic of tattoo ‘scratchers’ who buy these cheap, Chinese tattoo machines on the internet, and obtain disguting, non-FDA approved ink and tattoo others from their home,” said Lambert. “This included, previously, people who were under 18 getting nasty, homemade tattoos on a regular basis. We feel this law will help to curb that behavior, as it allows anyone of any age to get tattoos as long as a parent signs a consent form.”

Several other states have reported that they are keeping a “close eye” on any issues encountered by New Hampshire as the state becomes the first in the nation to allow tattooing of anyone, of any age.

MLB Commissioner Bud Selig: ’We Will No Longer Test For Performance Enhancing Drugs’

NEW YORK, New York – MLB Commissioner Bud Selig- ’We Will No Longer Test For Performance Enhancing Drugs’

According to Commissioner Bud Selig, Major League Baseball will no longer be testing for steroids and other performance enhancing drugs. Steroids, Human Growth Hormones (HGH), and other performance boosters will technically remain on the books as being against the rules, but Seilg says the league will move more towards what he calls an “honor system.”

It’s a losing fight, really. Truth is, over 75% of players were testing positive each year,” stated Selig.”These drugs cause a wide range of health issues and shorten life spans. If athletes want to ruin their bodies for our entertainment, I say why not – God knows we’re paying them enough, they should put their bodies on the line for the sport.”

“Baseball needs all the help it can get,” said Boston Red Sox fan Joe Ruth. “People want to see home runs not line drives. It’s not enough to be good anymore, athletes need an edge. The players putting their lives at the most risk deserve the biggest paychecks. Putting an end to testing will put an end to players lying about it, too, so I definitely feel this is the right move.”

“I never used steroids, so I don’t think this is fair,” says former player Barry Bonds. “Players need to play and bleed and break records based on their God-given talent, like I did. If you give it time, the magic will happen, just like it did for me. I started bulking up, my hat size grew, I swear it was all natural. If it happened to me, it can happen for anyone.”

“Bonds is an idiot. If players want to kill themselves for my enjoyment, I’m all for it,” said Yankees fan Carmine Classi. ”If I gotta take drugs to be able to watch a game of baseball, they should have to take drugs to play it.”

 

Professional Boxing Bans Punches To Face, Head; Commission To Allow Body Punches Only

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – Professional Boxing Bans Punches To Face, Head; Boxing Commission To Allow Body Punches Only

The Association of Boxing Commissions have made what many are calling a ‘giant leap forward’ for their sport, announcing today that they are implementing new rules that seeking to make boxing ‘more civilized.’ Stressing concussions and boxer safety as the main reason, punches to the head and face will no longer be allowed in professional boxing. Strikes to the face will also be banned in boxing gyms and amateur training facilities.

“Too many boxers are suffering in retirement because of years of concussions and blows to the face,” said Commissioner Marvin ’Marvelous’ Mayberry. “That is not what boxing should be about. Boxing is not about violence; boxing is a dance, it’s an art form. Boxing is two men dancing, hugging, learning each others moves and all that can be accomplished during the match. All these same aspects can be displayed even better if we just focus on punches to the body.”

“Truth is, the gyms are empty, no one wants to box anymore, all the real men are moving to MMA,” said Louie ‘Lefty’ Lavine, a former professional boxer who retired in 1993, and is now a boxing trainer. ”With all the real, tough guys doing MMA, boxing really doesn’t have anyone left who isn’t a Mama’s boy. I can’t say I agree with the new policy, though, of no punches to the face. As it is, I already see too many MMA fighters wearing ‘Boxing Is For Pussies’ T- Shirts.”

“I think it’s a wonderful idea! My husband and I have been looking for a new cardio workout for a while, but who wants to punch your lover in the face?” said Ron Feelmore, a sports enthusiast in San Fransisco. ”I mean, who doesn’t enjoy jumping rope, silk shorts, and gorgeous robes? The only thing that was stopping us from taking up boxing before was our perfect teeth and hair, but with no punches above the neck, now it’s a perfect sport. All the fellows at the YMCA want to give it a try now. I tell you, it’s going to be fabulous!”

 

FAA Creates Crazy New Rule For Passengers Boarding All U.S. Flights – You Won’t Believe What They’re Putting You Through Now!

LOS ANGELES, California – FAA Creates Crazy New Rule For Passengers Boarding All U.S. Flights - You Won't Believe What They're Putting You Through Now!

It appears the process of getting on a plane will become even more frustrating, as the FAA have created new rules that must be followed before boarding a plane.

As of January 1st, all passengers will be required to remove their pants and be physically searched before boarding any flight in the United States. The ruling was passed after several people were still able to board planes with items that FAA lists as ‘illegal.’ It is also being noted that this is a more ‘respectable’ way of searching people without them feeling violated.

“Our security agents at airports across the country have filed numerous complaints of having to put their hands on passengers. Many passengers are tired, cranky, and some have come in from other flights and are smelly and nasty,” said FAA president Joe Goldsmith. “If removing your pants before getting on the flight eliminates the chance of our employees needing to touch you and give you a pat-down, then that’s fine by me. It’s all about the rights of the airline staff.”

“As a man who never really wears underwear, I find this so degrading to our human rights,” said a passenger at LAX who wished to remain anonymous. “That said, it will be very exciting to know I get to take my pants off, and everyone will be able to see me naked. It’s arousing me just imagining it!”

As for now, the rule will only affect adults ages 18 and over, but fears that children may become mules to illegal trafficking or acts of terrorism has already been discussed, and the FAA is working out separate rules for children.

Most of the people who were interviewed at LAX international airport seemed outraged by the FAA’s lack of compassion and dignity of frequent fliers, but all said that they will still fly regardless of the no-pants rule.

“I need to fly constantly to make a living, and while I’d prefer to be as comfortable as possible during my times boarding and flying on a plane, I have to admit, if I had to strip naked and crawl to my plane to get on it, I would,” said Delta passenger Richard Cummings. “Whatever I have to do to make it to the next city, I’ll deal with. It’s the difference between eating my next meal in a restaurant, or out of a garbage pail.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.