Parents Arrested After It Was Found They Had Been Tattooing Their Infant

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BANGOR, Maine – 

A couple has been arrested after it was reported to CPS that they were using their infant son as a “canvas” to practice their tattooing.

Kyle Bruce, 28, and his girlfriend, Felicia Rogers, 22, were taken into police custody after a neighbor in their apartment building heard “hours of a baby crying, and tattoo machines running.”

“Mr. Bruce and Ms. Rogers were arrested after we discovered that they had purchased tattoo equipment from the internet, and were practicing on their baby, 7-month-old Caleb,” said Police Chief Rick Simmons.

In Maine, purchasing and using tattoo equipment without a license is a criminal offense, and the couple added to their crimes with felony assault and endangerment of a minor.

“Their apartment was disgusting, and the child is lucky that he did not get an infection,” said Chief Simmons. “I have confirmed with doctors that Caleb is going to be okay. Sadly, he is just going to be stuck with really bad tattoos as if he were perpetually stuck in the 90s – birds, tribal tattoos, and a tear drop.”

Presidential Race Starts To Get Bloody After Sanders Challenges Opponents

bloody

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In an attempt to secure the sick and desperate demographic, Bernie Sanders donated blood plasma to help those afflicted with problems ranging from Kawasaki disease to hemophilia. He called for other candidates to take a break from campaigning and do the same.

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Plasma donation is more time-consuming than giving blood, in that the blood is drawn from one arm and channeled through an automated machine that collects plasma and returns the red blood cells. The screening process is also more difficult, baring donors from having tattoos or piercings.

Hilary Clinton tried, in an attempt to follow Sanders’ lead, to give plasma but was not able to make a donation due to the small tattoo on her buttocks that says “Bill.” She reportedly told the nurse, “I was going to say I never regretted getting that tattoo more, but that’s untrue. There was another time I regretted it more…”

Trump’s campaign managers say he will not be donating plasma, as Trump cannot be sure his donation wouldn’t be given to affluent white males or attractive women.

Converse Will Give Free Shoes For Life To Anyone Who Gets Their Logo Tattooed

converse

SACRAMENTO, California – 

Converse Sneaker Company, the cheap canvas shoes that epitomize lazy, relaxed days and are at the forefront of hipster trend, have announced an exciting deal for anyone who has some free skin and an extreme love of sneakers.

According to Maxwell Converse III, the president of Converse Sneaker Company, anyone who gets the famous Converse All-Star logo tattooed on their body will receive free shoes for life.

“We have always prided ourselves on making a great, comfortable shoe for extremely low cost, and charging an arm and a leg for them,” said Converse. “When my grandfather started this company, he wanted people to be able to look cool, laid back, and yet still have the ability to hit the basketball course at any time. We’ve held to that tradition to this day, and it is now, on the even of our 107th anniversary, that we announce free shoes for life to anyone who tattoos our classic logo on their body.”

Converse III says that anyone who has the logo tattooed can simply walk into a store that sells the All-Star line of Converse shoes, show them the tattoo, and they will be able to walk out with a pair of shoes.

“The caveat is that they must get a shoe in their size,” said Converse. “That way they cannot just get the tattoo and get free shoes for all their friends. This offer does not extend to the custom Converse All-Stars that can be purchased on our website.”

Although extremely uncommon, Converse is not the first company to offer free products or services to their customers in exchange for branded tattoos. Companies like McDonald’s, Target, Cracker Barrel, and Blockbuster Video all offer their customers free or reduced-price products if they show their branded tattoo.

World’s Most Pierced Person Dies Going Through Airport Metal Detector

pierced

LOS ANGELES, California – 

In one of the most bizarre deaths, the Guinness Book of World Record’s ‘most pierced person,’ Gerard M. Rogers, was killed as he attempted to go through a metal detector in Los Angeles’ LAX airport. According to reports, Rogers’ face was completely ripped from his body as soon as he entered the machine.

“We had warned him not to go through, but he said that it should be fine, and that he’s gone through them before,” said LAX spokesman Joey Goldsmith. “I have no idea if he was lying, if this was a suicide, or what the real story is. Regardless, when Mr. Rogers walked through the metal detector, his entire face was peeled off as the piercings ripped out, attracted to the machine.”

Goldsmith says that LAX, and other airports as well, will begin a strict “no piercings” policy for people who go through the metal detector.

“From here on out, any crazy, overly-pierced people will have to get the pat down. It’s just too much of a mess to clean up,” said Goldsmith. “Next time you’re traveling, please, God – just remove the piercings or take a pat down.”

People With Tattoos 85% More Likely To Develop Cancer, Study Finds

DENVER, Colorado – 

Researchers at the Denver Institute For Scientific Studies have recently released their findings on a 10-year study, comparing the likelihood of cancer in person with tattoos versus those without. The study claims to have found an almost definitive link between the two, stating that in more than 85% of cases, people who had tattoos were more likely to have cancer-causing cells in found in their body.

“It’s staggering, really, how likely it is that you’ll end up with cancer if you have tattoos,” said research head, Dr. Richard Kimball. “This entire thing started after my dear mother got her first tattoo at age 70, and then developed rectal cancer not 4 months later. After she died, I wanted to see if there was a causal link between the two. As it turns out, there is.”

Dr. Kimball says that, for those who already have tattoos, there isn’t much you can do to revert the development of cancer-causing cells in your body, but for those who do not have tattoos but are thinking of getting one, he urges people to reconsider.

“Do not get tattoos. They may look pretty, sure, but you don’t want do die of cancer for your skin art,” said Dr. Kimball. “I know that my dear, dead mother did not want to trade her life for a tattoo. Had we known ahead of time that she was likely to get sick, I definitely would have talked her out of getting that slutty dolphin tramp stamp for her 70th birthday.”

New Hampshire Becomes First State To Legalize Tattooing of Infants Following Russian Viral Trend

baby tattoo

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

After several viral videos and images hit the web of Russian babies being tattooed, state legislators in New Hampshire have agreed that the trend is a positive one, and have agreed to allow parents to begin having their babies inked in the Granite State.

“Parents have been modifying their babies for years, from circumcision to ear piercing, no one has ever said that we, as a culture, have ever had an issue with changing our baby’s appearance for our own benefit,” said New Hampshire state representative Mary Lambert. “I pierced my daughter’s ears when she was only 4 months old. Had tattooing her been legal then, I would have done that as well.”

Lambert says that although the state has agreed to allow parents to have their babies tattooed, it still must be done in a licensed, professional shop.

“There is already an epidemic of tattoo ‘scratchers’ who buy these cheap, Chinese tattoo machines on the internet, and obtain disguting, non-FDA approved ink and tattoo others from their home,” said Lambert. “This included, previously, people who were under 18 getting nasty, homemade tattoos on a regular basis. We feel this law will help to curb that behavior, as it allows anyone of any age to get tattoos as long as a parent signs a consent form.”

Several other states have reported that they are keeping a “close eye” on any issues encountered by New Hampshire as the state becomes the first in the nation to allow tattooing of anyone, of any age.

Babies Of Tattooed Parents Could Develop Autism, Says Tattooed Couple

Babies Of Tattooed Parents Could Develop Autism, Says Tattooed Couple

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

A couple from Phoenix, Maryland, is taking their lawsuit to the supreme court, after they say that their tattoo artist failed to warn them that the beautiful markings they’ve been getting for years on their skin could cause their children to develop autism.

In the last few years, anti-vaxxers – parents who refuse to vaccinate their children against infectious disease despite sound medical advice on the off chance their child might develop autism – have made national headlines for their general ignorance, and resounding ability to deny logical medical and scientific advice and research.

This case, though, marks the first time that anyone has been concerned over tattoos being linked to autism, a serious mental and cognitive disorder that affects an estimated 1 in 68 children. Stephen and Melissa Slotth, of Maryland, say that their full-sleeve tattoos could potential cause a rift in their future family.

“We don’t have kids yet, but we want to,” said Melissa, 28. “We are trying to conceive. Well, we were trying, until it was brought to our attention that tattoos could possibly cause our child to be Autistic. That’s something we cannot have happen, and we are suing our tattoo artist, his shop, and the American Medical Association for not making this information public sooner.”

According to Melissa, she read an article once on “some website somewhere,” that said that there is a chance that trauma can cause the baby to be born Autistic.

“I’ve had a ton of trauma in the case of all my tattoos,” said Melissa. “My husband Stephen has, too. We don’t want our baby to be born Autistic. What would we do with it? We’d have to put it in a home and try for a regular one, and that’s just time and money and effort we don’t have.”

“We think we have a good case against our tattoo artist, although we are having trouble finding a lawyer to take the case,” said Stephen, 31. “Still, it is worth fighting this battle over so that the public hears our story and knows that if they want babies that aren’t born with mental problems, they shouldn’t get tattooed.”

“According to, well, pretty much everyone who has ever studied anything relating to Autism, prevention, and causes, the Slotths are, for lack of a better term, completely fucking stupid,” said Dr. Charles Greene of the AMA. “Tattoos aren’t going to cause Autism. For crying out loud, you could literally tattoo your baby as it came out and it wouldn’t be any more likely to develop Autism. Please, people – vaccinate your kids. Get tattoos. Live your life. If you want to have a family, have a family. Stop buying into the Slotths and the Jim Carreys and the Jenny McCarthys of the world, and read a book. Learn. You’ll see – everything will be fine. Hell in a handbasket.”

Neurologist Says Getting Tattoos Literally Makes You More Dumb

Neurologist Says Getting Tattoos Literally Makes You More Dumb

SAN DIEGO, California – 

If you do a simple Google search, you’ll find long lists of ill-thought out tattoos, featuring accidentally inappropriate or insulting examples, such as ugly representations of pretty people’s faces, or simply bad spelling and grammar. “Only God Can Juge Me,” and “Never Don’t Give Up,” are two such examples.

This phenomenon may have led you to believe that those who choose to get inked are not particularly intelligent, but new research has indicated that it is actually the other way around.

“Our study found that getting tattoos literally makes you dumber,” said neurologist, Doc Klein. “We tested the intelligence levels of 10 000 individuals before and after getting such tattoos as barbed wire around the bicep, or elaborate dragons across the arms and back. The results certainly surprised us.”

One such test showed that inked individuals are less coherent than before. They were unable to form well-constructed sentences and occasionally gave up in the middle of a word.

Another test had the subjects doing simple mathematical problems. While 100% were able to solve them in the first test, only 20% solved the same problems after.

“Right now we are unsure of the reasons, but we have a couple hypotheses,” said Klein. “The most convincing is that the act of getting a tattoo is essentially a dumb idea, and acting it out affirms that reality to the individual.”

The results help us to understand why it is repeat customers who get the most ill-conceived tattoos. Neck or face tattoos are among the most common for those covered in ink. There are even a few examples of heavily tattooed individuals getting penises tattooed to their heads or necks.

A man with “Fuck you” tattooed to his forehead, who chose to remain anonymous, explained his terrible choice.

“I like ‘Fuck you’ because it good me good. Dark colors make head red and good again.”

Man Arrested for Tattooing 1-Year-Old Baby

AUTUMNVILLE, California – Man Arrested for Tattooing 1-Year-Old Baby

A tattoo artist is behind bars this afternoon after allegedly tattooing a one year old baby at his shop in Autumnville. The artist, Charles Dennett, 24, who goes by the nickname ‘Red,’ has been making a career out of tattooing since the age of 18.

According to reports, a couple brought in their baby to the Inks & Stuff tattoo studio last Saturday afternoon, and asked Dennett to adorn their child with a Japanese Kanji. Dennett claims that although he did perform the tattoo, it is the parents who are to blame, not him.

“I get paid to tattoo people and I don’t discriminate with race, religion, or age,” said Dennett. “They were cash customers, and they came in prepared, knowing all about tattoos and what they wanted for their baby. In this state, if you are underage and your parents come in with you and agree that it is okay, then it’s not illegal.  I don’t see the problem here. The parents literally begged me to do the tattoo and I feel that they are to blame for this, not me. I was just doing my job, man.”

The tattoo that the parents picked out was a Kanji that in English meant ‘respect.’ They had Dennett tattoo their baby on his arm. His parents, who happen to be covered in tattoos, did admit that their son may have been too young to get ‘inked’, as they called it, but wanted their son to live by the meaning of the tattoo, and never forget to treat others well.

“Respect, in the form of a kanji, is the perfect thing to get as a first tattoo. We were debating, honestly, between the kanji, a bar code, or a tribal band around his little arm, but we figured the kanji would mean the most in his future,” said Kelly Randall, the mother of the baby.

Dennett is currently being held in the county jail, unable to pay his $5,000 bail. He is facing charges of assault and endangering the welfare of a child.

“I still don’t see the big deal. If he doesn’t like it down the road, it’s not like he can’t get the thing covered. I mean hell, it’s really tiny. I’ll tell you, the kid is going to be all about tattoos later in life. He sat like a f—— champ, too,” said Dennett.

The Randalls, Kelly and Jordan, say that they don’t know why it is such a big deal.

“We’ve got two other kids, a 9-year-old and a 13-year-old. They both love getting tattoos!” said Jordan. “You know what they say, once you get one, you’ll never be done.”

 

Whole Foods Market Becomes First Company To Require Employees To Have Visible Tattoos

AUSTIN, Texas – whole foods market becomes first company to require visible tattoos

In what many people are claiming is a publicity stunt to show they are a hip, young company, Whole Foods Market became the first company in the country to require that all of their store employees have visible tattoos.

Despite becoming more and more popular over the years, tattoos still have a stigma attached to them, especially from older generations. With many people today, both young and old, getting tattoos, Whole Foods said that they want to create a great, fun environment in a somewhat stagnant job market for anyone with body art.

“I personally don’t have any tattoos, but I think it’s a beautiful, creative way to express yourself,” said John Elstrott, CEO of Whole Foods Market, INC. “We decided, after numerous focus groups and discussions amongst our board members, that we want our employees to show off their creative sides. We want them all to have visible tattoos.”

Despite writing into their company’s regulations that they want everyone to be tattooed, that does not mean that current non-tattooed employees are losing their jobs.

“Quite the contrary, actually,” said Elstrott. “For our current employees who don’t have [visible] tattoos, we expect that you will go and get, at your cost, a long sleeve shirt and/or long pants. If you do not have visible tattoos, we don’t want your bare skin showing. Of course, you can always go out and get a tattoo yourself!”

Current employees of Whole Foods seem divided on the subject. Many of their employees have tattoos currently, but had to cover them up before the new rule. Others who had no tattoos, say that they don’t have any because they weren’t interested in getting one.

“I never got a tattoo because I didn’t want one. I like that I can wear short sleeve shorts to work,” said store supervisor Michelle Pickford. “Now they’re saying I actually have to go out and get a long-sleeve shirt, or get tattooed? It’s ridiculous. I made a life choice to not get a tattoo. What does that have to do with what kind of worker I am?”

“Personally, I think it’s the best damn thing any company has ever done for its employees,” said Joe Goldsmith, a stock supervisor at the Whole Foods store in Brockton, Massachusetts. “I’m covered in tattoos from my neck down to my wrists, and I’ve been stuck wearing long sleeve, turtleneck shirts my entire 4 years at Whole Foods. This is going to make next summer the best summer I’ve ever had working here.”

Whole Foods says that their new tattoo policy goes into effect starting August 1st. Per their current handbook, visible piercings are still forbidden.

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