Colorado Teens Injecting Marijuana To Get High

Posted on March 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOULDER, Colorado –

In a state where marijuana sales and use has only recently become legal, teens and young adults are already finding new ways of abusing the substance to get as high as quickly, and with as much strength, as possible. The new trend among teenage users is to actually inject marijuana in the same way someone would heroin or cocaine, shooting it directly into the bloodstream.

“I’ve been smoking weed for so long, it just doesn’t do the trick anymore.” Said Lucas Davis, a 20 year old from Boulder. “I went on to dabs, and then to other more potent versions of weed, just trying to get as high as [expletive], ya know? Nothing has worked as well as just shooting that [expletive] right into my arm.”

Doctors have already cautioned worried parents that if they aren’t quick to stop their kids from injecting marijuana, they may see an epidemic of young people addicted to the drug.

“These kids who inject, they are far, far more likely to become addicted to marijuana than someone who just smokes it.” Said Dr. Michael Raymond, a surgeon at Bridgeton Memorial Hospital just outsider Boulder. “Weed is an immensely addictive drug. Patients of ours who smoke marijuana have reported that they became addicted almost immediately upon trying it for the first time, and most have to go through months of drug rehabilitation before they kick their addiction – and that is just the people who smoke it. Kids who are shooting up marijuana, they are headed down a serious drug path.”

Despite warnings from doctors and other medical professionals, most teens say they aren’t worried about the repercussions of injecting marijuana.

“I don’t get the fuss with weed, man. It’s all about chilling out, maybe eating a box of Zebra Cakes and watching Orange is the New Black on Netflix. It’s not like I have a real drug problem.” Said Derek Paul, a teenager from Aspen, Colorado. “Sure, I get paranoid when I’m high sometimes, but I stopped smoking and switched to banging [injecting] it because sometimes I’d cough so damn much when hitting the bong I thought my lungs were bleeding. This works better. It feels so [expletive] good to get high, you know? It feels really damn good.”

Worried parents in Colorado, as well as other parts of the country, have formed an online support group for people with children addicted to shooting up marijuana. The private Facebook group, Parents Against Marijuana Abuse, or PAMA, already has over 6,000 members.

“You have all really given me so much support through these troubled times in my son’s life.” Said Erin Silver, who posted to the group’s page. “My boy Marcus overdosed while shooting up marijuana, and he almost died. When I showed him all the parents on here, people from all over the country who were scared for their children’s lives, he quit his weed abuse cold turkey. He’s been off marijuana now for 2 weeks. I am so proud of him.”

“I’m not worried about what doctors say,” said Davis. “I just like the way it feels, and I’ll do whatever it takes to get the best high I can. Oh hey, have you seen my box of Bugles anywhere?”

U.S. Regulators Looking To Drop Legal Drinking Age From 21 To 12

Posted on March 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINTON, D.C. –

United States regulators have recently announced their plans to drop the legal drinking age from 21 to 12, citing the minimum-age drinking laws of other many other countries around the world, some of which are even lower.

“It’s really far, far too high of an age. Everyone knows that kids sneak alcohol long before they turn 21. We just want to make it legal for them to do so.” Said Congressman Alex Silver of Denver. “I let my 14 year old drink all the time at home. He’s perfectly fine, a straight-C+ student. You couldn’t ask for a better kid.”

Federal lawmakers have generally left it up to individual states to regulate their minimum age for drinking laws, but these new statutes would generally supersede most states’ laws, allowing pre-teens across the country to get their drink on.

“Ohmygod I cannot wait to do some shots, shots, shotshotshotshot shots with my friends!” Said Felisia Ann, a 16 year old from Concord, New Hampshire. “Normally I would just let some college dude get to second base with me behind the liquor store, and then he’d buy it for me. This is so much better. I’m super stoked that they’re looking to lower the age. I’ve gotta text my friends and let them know we will be able to stop drinking rubbing alcohol and cough syrup!”

Parents of young teens are naturally outraged at the government’s decision to step in and lower the drinking age.

“It would be one thing if they lowered it back to 18, like it used to be.” Said Cassie Jones, a mother of 3 teenage girls. “I’ve always thought there was no problem with it being 18. We let people go to Iraq and kill at 18, but they can’t drink? It’s absurd. But what’s even more absurd is Joe-Law thinking my kid should be allowed to drink at age 12. At that age they’re barely off the bottle as it is, and now they want to put a new bottle in their mouth? Please.”

Representative Sam Clemens, of Pennsylvania, disagrees.

“In France, Germany, Ireland – all over the world, kids are allowed to drink at an extremely young age.” Said Clemens. “Even younger than 12 in some cases, and those children, they will have a wine with dinner or a bottle of whisky instead of a juice box. Those countries don’t exactly have strikingly high rates of alcoholism, either. Well, maybe Ireland, but that’s obvious.”

Regardless of federal regulations, most parents have said that they will not be permitting their children to have any alcohol until they are much older.

“There is no way that my son is going to have any booze. He’s barely 14.” Said Joe Goldsmith, of Kentucky. “When I was 14, I couldn’t drink or my father would have taken a belt to my ass. So I did what most 14 year olds did, and I smoked a ton of weed. If my son wants to get high, that’s fine, but he’s certainly not going to be brown-bagging it with his friends on the weekends.”

“No matter what my parents say, if this law passes, I’m getting [expletive] smashed.” Said Ann. “I’m so excited for this. I was seriously like a half-step away from sleeping with guys just to get alcohol. This just changed all that. Now I can save myself for the right guy…or at least wait until I’m so blasted I can’t remember a thing.”

Death Row Inmate Survives Execution; Released From Prison

Posted on March 20, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DICKSON, Tennessee –

A Tennessee death row inmate has been released from prison today after two attempts to execute him have failed. Peter Farmington was convicted of 3 counts of murder in the first degree when he pled guilty to murdering his wife and their two young children in March of 2006.

The prison warden, Joseph Goldsmith, called Farmington’s survival “a divine intervention.”

“We have two methods of execution in the state of Tennessee.” said Goldsmith. “It is has always been our tradition to let the inmate choose how they want to go. Mr. Farmington is the first person to try their hand at both options. We are taking it as a sign from God that this man is just not meant to die.”

Farmington had his first execution scheduled in late 2013 via lethal injection. At that time, his body did not react to the sodium thiopental, which is the first in a series of three drugs given to someone being executed. Sodium thiopental is designed to render a person unconscious before they inject bromide, which causes paralysis, and finally potassium chloride, which induces cardiac arrest.

Dr. Robert Liston was the medical examiner on staff for the state prison during Farmington’s first execution.

“I have never seen anything like it in all my years as a medical doctor.” Said Liston. “Sodium thiopental is not something someone can generally be ‘immune’ to, but Farmington’s body did not react. The drug should have hit him within 30 seconds. We waited over ten minutes, then dosed him again. Nothing.”

Doctors and prison staff had no choice but to postpone the execution, and the governor granted temporary reprieve for Farmington, giving him another six months on death row, while he awaited his second execution date.

Last week, the prison again tried to execute Farmington, this time via electric chair.

“Farmington chose to not go through lethal injection a second time, and opted for electrocution.” Said Goldsmith. “We hadn’t fired up ol’ sparky since 2007, but it was his choice and we honored it.”

Prison officials were stunned when, for a second time, Farmington was spared death, this time when the electric chair failed to operate.

“We threw those switches, and on the third flip, you’re supposed to see sparks fly, but we saw nothing.” Said Goldsmith. “We got Farmington out of the chair, hooked everything back up, fired it up, and it worked like a charm. We didn’t even try putting him back in again.”

Per federal law, Farmington was immediately released from prison, as any inmate who survives his execution twice is automatically allowed a full pardon.

“We wish Farmington all the best in his new life outside prison walls.” Said Governor Bill Haslam as he signed Farmington’s release forms. “This man may be a bloodthirsty, violent individual, but some higher power has given him a second chance at life. We certainly hope he uses it for something better this time around.”

Attorneys for Farmington could not be reached for comment.

Surgeons Remove Toy From Man’s Rectum For 37th Time

Posted on March 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –

A man was recently admitted to the Crestwood Medical Center in Huntsville, Alabama for surgery to remove a toy that had become lodged inside his rectal cavity. The man, whose full name is unknown but who doctors refer to as “Buzz,” has had the exact same procedure done previously an astounding 36 times, all at the same hospital within the last 3 years.

Doctors are well aware that Buzz’s story about how it happens is completely false, but they say it makes for a good laugh every time they see him limp through the door.

“He likes to say that his son leaves all his toys and action figures around, on the couch and on the chairs, and because Buzz doesn’t notice, when he sits down, there they go – to infinity and beyond. We humor him, because he’s got full insurance and the money is coming in.” said Dr. Timothy Allen, the surgeon who treats Buzz.

The hospital has tried to work with Buzz to see a sexual therapist, but Buzz refuses and insists that it is an accident, and he is not inserting characters inside himself for any sort of sexual thrill.

“I can believe once…maybe. I don’t even think I could believe it could happen twice.” Said Andy Davis, a nurse at Crestwood who has previously treated Buzz during his recovery from surgery. “I definitely cannot even think about this happening 37 times without this man really needing some professional help. He needs a therapist, or possibly a prostitute.”

When asked why the hospital continues to give him back the extracted toy after each surgery, Dr. Allen said the answer to that was the strangest part of the whole story.

“We’re not giving him the figure back. We discard it each and every time. Yet when he comes back to us, it’s the exact same toy. The man must really like the way it feels…[or] if you believe his story, his son has the most boring toy collection imaginable.”

The hospital has said that they would continue to treat Buzz whenever he needed their services, although they did say they hope at least once he comes in with a flu or a broken arm.

New Jeresey Teenager Hospitalized With Facebook Withdrawals

Posted on March 19, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CAMDEN, New Jersey –

Nancy Thompson, 15, was hospitalized today for severe withdrawal symptoms caused by her parents taking away her computer, cell phone, and her Facebook privileges. Thompson, who was being punished for a poor grade in math, was taken to the emergency room at Camden-South Medical Center after her parents found her in bed with cold sweats, thumb twitches, and general zombie-like behavior.

“I was terrified, we both were.” Said Marge Thompson, Nancy’s mother. “I heard noises and murmuring upstairs. I went to Nancy’s room, and she was rocking back-and-forth on her bead, mumbling “Like. Like. Comment. Like. Share,” and her thumbs were twitching in a texting motion involuntarily. We called 9-1-1 immediately.”

Ambulances were at the Thompson house in minutes, with paramedics prepared for the worst.

“We arrived, and Nancy was still trembling. It’s a scene I’ve bared witness to many times lately. The ‘Social-Media Shakes’, that’s what we call them.” Said Glen Lantz, one of the paramedics on the scene. “We were loading her into the ambulance, and that was when I saw the look she had. Nancy had a pretty standard resting bitch face, but then I saw her lips starting to curl back and one arm started to rise above her head. I recognized the selfie-signs instantly, and immediately sedated her before any of us had to see her morph into duck face mode.”

Parents today are more and more often using social media restrictions as punishments for their children and teenagers. As evident in Nancy’s case, it is not always the best solution. Rod Lane, a professional child psychiatrist, says that teens and young adults need their social networks more than ever, and taking them away can have serious adverse effects, much the same as with drug and alcohol addiction.

“I know that when your teen does something wrong, telling them they can’t get on Facebook is the quickest thing to come to your head. I implore all parents, please don’t do this.” Said Lane. “Your child needs to be weened off their social media, like a heroin abuser who goes to a methadone clinic. Just like with “true” drugs, your child can become violent and hostile, or conversely, they can become completely withdrawn and depressed, all because social media is removed from their lives too quickly.”

Nancy’s father, Donald Thompson, says that the first thing he did when Nancy awoke in the hospital was give her back her 32GB gold iPhone 5 so she could get online.

“I never want to have to go through something like this again. I swear I will never take away her Facebook privileges as long as I live. My baby girl can take all the half-nude, fake tanned, stupid-ass duck face pictures she wants. I’ll even ‘like’ them all myself!”

Nancy responded by saying it would be a “cold day in hell” before she added her dad on Facebook. She also updated her status on Facebook to “Prnts are soooo f-ing lame. hospitul food sucks. some1 bring me an f-ing Pinkberry like NOW!” It immediately received ‘Likes’ from 143 of Nancy’s 2,486 friends.

School Suspends Student For Gun Shaped Birthmark

Posted on March 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MILFORD, Connecticut –

A 13 year-old middle school student was suspended today when a teacher noticed that the boy had a “gun shaped” birthmark on his leg. The boy, whose name was not released at his parents’ request, wore shorts to school for the first time this year, and when the teacher, Charlene Brooks, saw the birthmark on his leg she immediately informed the school principal and superintendent.

“You cannot be too careful in this day and age. We don’t want to promote guns or gun violence in our schools. What if another kid in the class saw that? He might have gotten excited and wanted a gun birthmark, too.” Said Brooks, an English teacher at Milford Jr. High. “I don’t think it’s appropriate in our school.”

Recently throughout the country there has been an excessive amount of “gun paranoia” in schools, with children being suspended or even expelled for things as menial as biting a Pop-Tart into the shape of a gun or even just pointing a finger at someone else and saying “boom,” which is what happened only a few short months ago in Ohion to 10 year-old Nathan Entingh.

“I cannot believe that this is happening to my son.” Said the parent of the suspended student. “This is way too far. He can’t control this. This is completely and utterly absurd. It was 94 degrees here yesterday. Is he supposed to wear pants every day until the end of the school year? Or maybe they want me to chop his leg clean off?”

According to school superintendent Donna Winter, that is exactly what the school expects.

“When [name deleted] returns to school in 4 days, we will still have just about a week left of school. We are expecting that he will continue to wear long pants throughout the school year, and indeed, for the remainder of his schooling here in the Milford School District. Of course, he is always allowed to take the extreme decision of removing his leg entirely. It’s possible that would be best not only for his return to school, but also for his future. We’re talking about guns, here.”

The parents have contacted a lawyer with the American Civil Liberties Union to argue that it is outside of the school’s rights to force only their son to wear long pants. “Either everyone has to wear pants, or my son doesn’t either. We can’t make everyone else have gun shaped birthmarks, so they can’t make him wear pants.”

The family is debating on homeschooling their son for the remainder of his education to avoid any further conflict. It is unclear, at this time, whether or not there will be any police involvement with the student for his “carrying a concealed birthmark.”

Man Drives Car Through Donut Shop After Learning They Are Out of Maple Glazed

Posted on March 7, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MILFORD, New Hampshire –

Johnathan Elm, 27, was arrested Tuesday morning after driving his car through the front window of a local donut shop. Elm was apparently upset that the store, Wicked Good Donuts, had just run out of his favorite donuts, maple glazed.

“He started yelling and screaming and cursing at us, calling us ‘Donut-Hole Whores’ and ‘Pastry Pimps,’ seriously bizarre and crazy things,” said shop owner Marlene Simmons. “It was scary. We asked him to leave and he wouldn’t, but when I went to call the police, that’s when he ran out of the store.”

Reports by people outside the shop say they heard Elm screaming, and saw him running out the door, where he bolted across the street and got into his car.

“He was parked outside, across the road,” Said Joey Goldsmith, an eyewitness. “I watched him get into his car and then immediately drive it straight at the front window of the donut store. The glass shattered and then there were donuts and crullers flying all over the place. Sugar and liquid glaze went everywhere. It was like a diabetic nightmare out here.”

Elm was knocked unconscious during the accident when his airbag failed to deploy, causing him to crash directly into a rack of freshly made muffins.

“Blueberry corn muffins, our top seller. On sale this week for 4 for $6.99. Best deal in town,” said Simmons.

Not surprisingly, there were several police cruisers in the vicinity of the donut shop at the time of the accident, and Elm was immediately arrested and taken into custody, charged with reckless endangerment, attempted assault, and rampant destruction of delicious breakfast foods. He was initially brought to Milford Memorial Hospital to treat minor injuries sustained in the crash.

Police say that Elm blames his actions on Michael Vale, the actor who played “Fred The Baker” in many early Dunkin Donuts commercials.

“Fred knew when it was time to make the donuts. He was always making the f—— donuts. He’d have never run out of maple glazed! Never!” Said Elm in a police interview.

Elm was held and released Friday on $15,000 bail, and is currently restricted from entering any establishment that sells donuts or donut paraphernalia.

Baby Mermaid Washes Ashore In Caribbean, Proves Existence of Mythical Creatures [VIDEO]

Posted on March 7, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PACIFIC OCEAN, CARIBBEAN –

The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA) has confirmed that a baby mermaid that washed ashore just off of South America is, in fact, a real mermaid.

The creature, the first specimen of its kind to be studied by the agency, washed up on a beach, and was unfortunately already deceased. NOAA officials have said, though, that they had been tracking mermaids for some time, and although they had been able to photograph them previously, this was the first time that one had made its way to shore.

NOAA spokesperson Sandy Nixon first reported the findings to the Weekly World News, where she insisted that these “magical females,” which have been part of the lore of many different groups of people over thousands of years, were real.

“At least 65 mermaid researchers and experts gathered on the island of Tahiti to examine the known evidence and have concluded that the half-human, half-fish hybrids are living peacefully among us,” Nixon told WWN.

Experts indicate that the mermaids generally stick to warmer waters of the Caribbean, but are not unknown in the waters of the Atlantic and Pacific oceans, including a small group of mermaids said to live off the shores of the coast of Maryland.

Man Electrocuted, Dies While Smoking E-Cigarette

Posted on March 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Michael Del, a 34 year old construction worker from Boston, Massachusetts, was killed early last Wednesday as the e-cigarette he was smoking sent a jolt of electricity through his body, knocking him unconscious. Del, who was on a lunch break while working an overnight on job site in Cambridge, had reportedly been using the e-cigarettes to help quit smoking, a habit he had for nearly 20 years. He was rushed to Massachusetts General Hospital where doctors were unable to revive him. They pronounced him dead at 7:18AM.

“Michael started smoking really young. It was my fault. I smoked around him all the time, and left cigarettes laying around,” Said Charmaine Del, Michael’s mother. “He had decided he wanted to quit. We both did, and we heard the e-cigs were a good way to help. So I bought us both one to get started. He’d only been using it for about a week.”

Reports from the hospital were that Del had been using his e-cigarette while it was plugged into his truck, charging. E-cigarettets are small, pen-sized items that contain internal batteries, and smokers can add nicotine-infused flavor ‘cartridges’ into them. Just like a cell phone, the batteries can be charged, and most e-cigarettes come with USB charger similar to that of a phone.

The instructions for most e-cigarettes that have chargers insist that you do not try to use them while charging, but like most men Del apparently skipped the directions and opted to just try and figure out how they worked using trial-and-error. Unfortunately for him, the warnings posted on the package for this product were extremely important.

A representative for Black, INC., the manufacturer of the e-cigarette Del had purchased, released a statement expressing their condolences.

“We at Black are extremely saddened to learn that one of our products has caused the death of a customer. We are terribly sorry, as these unfortunate events are never easy for anyone. We send or deepest sympathies to his family. As this is the first such death from e-cigarettes though, we’d like to remind people that we’re still doing far better than Big Tobacco, whose death toll is in the millions.”

E-cigarettes have been a continued source of controversy since they first launched only a few short years ago, and the debate about their safety in comparison to a traditional cigarette has caused a stir in the medical community. This is the first death caused by e-cigarettes since their widespread use began in 2003.

Obama Signs Bill Forgiving All Student Loan Debt

Posted on March 5, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Americans who are under the financial strain of repaying student loan debt may now be off the hook for their education costs. President Obama signed a new federal bill this week releasing any student who has accrued outstanding debt because of the high interest rates and outrageous balances caused by college loans.

“Any student, past or present, who has taken loans from the federal government within the last 10 years to pay for higher education, will no longer be required to pay back those loans.” Said President Obama. “This forgiveness also is to be extended to any student currently enrolled in college, who may need financial assistance for the next several years as they finish their degrees.”

The idea of student loan forgiveness has been in the news for several years now, as students are forced year-after-year to leave school due to crippling costs of a higher education in the US. With most students not able to afford any facet of college without loans, the government has given out nearly $1 trillion dollars to those seeking a form of higher education. Although certain costs of school are generally offset by private loans, grants, and scholarships, almost every student currently in a 2 or 4-year program has some existing loans with the US government.

“Education is the single most important thing in my mind when it comes to furthering this great nation.” Said Obama. “I can think of no better way to help the young people, this next generation of thinkers and doers, than by helping them to stand on their feet more firmly, and to give them some hope that they can and will receive their degrees, and they can work towards a future for themselves and their families, and not just a future of paying back debt.”

Although the bill was signed on Thursday afternoon in a live press conference, the forgiveness of loans will not begin until the end of 2016 at which point current and former students will begin to see interest and repayment amounts dwindle automatically, eventually leaving everyone with a complete zero-dollar balance.

Even while the government has decided to forgive loans from the public sector, private held companies such as Sallie Mae, the leading lender for higher education, still has sky-high interest rates and non-budging repayment schedules. With close to $1 billion in net income every year, Sallie Mae has stated that they are not interested in following suit with the governments plan for loan forgiveness.

“We are a private company, and private lenders. We have no interest in not pursuing every possible avenue to squeeze every penny we can out of our borrowers.” Said Carla Edwarton, CEO of Sallie Mae. “Education is important to us, but paying back your loans are what we care about. We aren’t loan sharks, we aren’t going to break your kneecaps if you don’t pay, as much as we would like to…[But] you can bet we love making all that sweet, sweet high-interest rate cash.”

Students who are currently making payments or have defaulted on their loans can expect to receive a packet letter within the next 3 to 4 months detailing how their assistance loans will be forgiven and what percentage, if any, will be left owed to private companies and firms.