Rhinoceros Born With Rooster Head Becomes Biggest Spectacle At Bronx Zoo

Posted on December 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BRONX, New York –

A Rhinoceros that was born with the head of a rooster has become one of the most viewed attractions at New York’s Bronx Zoo in the last several months. The animal, which specialists believe is naturally occurring after a rooster copulated with a female rhino, is approximately 3-years-old, and was found in the wild in Tanzania.

“We procured the Rhinoster through private channels after he was captured in the deserts of Tanzania,” said zoo spokesman Carl Grove. “After careful research and monitoring, we have determined that the animal is completely real, and not created in a lab. We believe that a rare, oversized wild rooster may have had sex with a female rhinoceros in the wild, forming what we commonly call the Rhinoster, or the Horny Cock.”

Grove estimates that over 2 million visitors to the Bronx Zoo have viewed the Horny Cock since his arrival in June.

“We are extremely happy to have this Rhinoster in our possession, and we plan to try and breed him if we can,” said Grove. “Only time will tell if the Horny Cock really sticks to his namesake.”

Baby Sumo Wrestling Latest Fad In Japan

Posted on December 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOKYO, Japan –

Sumo wrestling has been one of Japan’s most revered sports for centuries, with little changing in the events over time. Earlier this year, though, a new league within Japan’s Sumo Wrestling Alliance was founded, with babies as the main attraction.

“We decided to begin having younger and younger babies fight in the sumo ring, because it is amusing to us, and that is why we do the things we do,” said Japanese Sumo wrestler Takeshi Taiken. “It is a strong Japanese custom to make everything seem hilarious and cute to Americans, and that is what Baby Sumo Wrestling is all about.”

While most babies eat roughly 400-800 calories a day in baby food, depending on their age, Sumo babies are force fed upwards of 20,000 calories a day, making sure that they grow to be not only hilariously fat, but also able to take on one another in the Sumo ring.

“Babies of all sizes are welcome to Sumo, but you should know, that the bigger the baby, the harder the small baby fall,” said Taiken. “It’s all about size and strength. Fatter babies are stronger and tougher. I feed my baby steaks every day, all day, so he grows big and strong. I mean, he can barely walk, but in Sumo, walking is the least of your concerns.”

In the United States, Baby Sumo Wrestling has been trending on social media, with many people sharing videos and clips of the adorable wrestling events.

Didn’t Finish College? You Can Now Lie About It On Job Applications

Posted on December 8, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Most job applicants lie about graduating from community college. A 2015 study by the American Association of Community Colleges (AACC), has found that up to half of community college drop outs still list themselves as graduates on resumes. With this new knowledge, the government has mandated that it will now be legal to consider yourself a CC graduate if you’ve even attended at all.

Bill Rich, HR manager says his company, Soft Skillz Temp Agency, had to actually start checking degrees. “Chances are they attended the community college. They could tell you all about it in an interview, but often they did not actually complete their degree. If it says something like liberal studies, you know they definitely didn’t finish. Who would go for something so pointless anyway? It’s just not realistic. This new law is going to kick my ass. I’ll be checking references for weeks.”

The study predicts most applicants were getting away with it, and researchers speculated that job seekers have gotten lazy, due to lackadaisical reference checking. Rich says, “They think we’re not going to call. They think nobody actually checks references. Sad thing is in most cases they’re right.”

Patrick Swayze Turns In His Grave After First Reviews of ‘Point Break’ Remake Hit The Web

Posted on December 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Patrick Swayze made a name for himself in the 80s and 90s, starring in feature films like Road House and Ghost, but one of his most iconic rolls was in the heist/action film Point Break, co-starring Keanu Reeves, that was released in 1991. The actor has since passed on, but as reviews of the Point Break remake have begun hitting the web, reports have indicated that Swayze is, indeed, rolling in his grave.

“I saw the trailer for the new Point Break, and I have to say, it looks pretty damn awful,” said film reviewer Charles Junior. “I watched it and said, ‘Oh man, Patrick probably rolling over in his grave right now,’ and as it turns out, he really is.”

Swayze’s headstone has reportedly fallen over multiple times, and groundskeepers at the cemetery say that they know it’s because he’s in there, going out of his mind.

“I keep picking it back up, but then it falls back over,” said one cemetery worker. “Problem is that damn Point Break remake. Making that poor man turn over and over in his grave. It’s sad. They should just pull it from release before it causes Mr. Swayze to get no eternal rest.”

Keanu Reeves, Swayze’s co-star in the original film, is still alive, but yet had no comment on the half-assed remake. Point Break is scheduled to hit theatres on Christmas day for some reason.

CM Punk Says He Will Be Returning To WWE In January

Posted on December 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

STAMFORD, Connecticut –

Former professional wrestler CM Punk, real name Phil Brooks, recently spoke with ESPN 8 about returning to the ring and working for WWE, and interviewers were quite surprised by Punk’s response when he was asked if he’d ever consider going back.

“Oh, I am going back,” said Punk, much to the surprise of ESPN anchors. “Yup, it’s a done deal. I’m going back in January.”

Punk, who was scheduled to begin his stint in the UFC, reportedly decided that the fights would be “too tough” for him, and he decided he enjoyed scripted fights better.

“Dana White gave me an opportunity to fight in the UFC, and I appreciate that. I signed on the dotted line and everything,” said Punk. “In thinking about it, though, there’s a pretty damn good chance that I’d get my ass whipped, and that’s not what I’m about. So instead, I went back to WWE. Vince took me back no problem, probably because that company is such a shit show right now that they can’t really not have me anymore. It’s going to be a good time.”

Dana White was reportedly developing a reality show that would focus on finding a contender for Punk’s first UFC bout, but has since cancelled the idea, and will instead use the show to focus on how in the hell Ronda Rousey sucked so much during her last championship fight.

Obama Breaks Tradition, Removes Menorah From White House During Hanukkah

Posted on December 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

For over 200 years, a Menorah has been lit each night of the Jewish holiday of Hanukkah in the White House, despite no president ever being Jewish. This year, though, President Obama has ordered that the Menorah be removed, and that none be brought in throughout the building’s many offices.

“This is a joyous time for families, and a time to remember the love and faith we all share by celebrating with gift giving and togetherness,” said Obama from inside the White House. “We have a Christmas tree in the White House, and that is enough. We are an all inclusive country, but let’s not forget, that this is also my home, and I celebrate Christmas.”

Many people have protested the president’s decision, although he says that there is no reason to change now.

“Hanukkah has already started, and we didn’t light any candles, so there’s no reason to get all up in arms over it,” said Obama. “Next year, you’ll have a new president at this time, and he can have the Hanukkah traditions or not, I really don’t care. Since it will probably be Trump, and he’s a full-blown racist, you probably won’t get anything in the White House.”

Religious Groups Praise ‘Krampus’ Movie, Say It ‘Puts Jesus Back Into People’s Lives’

Posted on December 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Several religious groups, mostly sponsored by the Catholic church, have said that they are “extremely happy” with the new film Krampus, which opened this past week in theatres around the country. Based around an old legend about an evil entity that kidnaps bad children at Christmastime, Krampus is a movie that religious groups say “puts Jesus back into people’s lives.”

“Oh yes, once you see Krampus, you will come running back to Jesus,” said Mary Joseph of the Church of Sacred Hearts in Huntsville, Alabama. “I took my entire family to see it, all the children. They screamed, cried, and were scared to death. The great thing is, afterwards, they all wanted to go to church with me. They all ran back to Jesus.”

Film executives say that they are “very happy” that Christian and Catholic groups, who normally spit on their horror-centric films, are pleased with the latest feature.

“To be honest, we were just making a scary movie, but if Catholics want to run out and see it, more power to them. It’s more money in our pockets,” said one executive. “Frankly, any time they’re not shunning our movie, the better. If this works for them, I’ll just greenlight a whole slew of Krampus films. What do I care?”

Woman Claims She Makes Thousands Of Dollars Running Dog Breastfeeding Business

Posted on December 6, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DELUTH, Mississippi –

A Mississippi woman says that she makes thousands of dollars each year running a business of breastfeeding dogs, reports the Mississippi Times. Maryanne Chambers started her business 10 years ago after discovering that her breast milk supply never seemed to run out.

“I breastfed my children until they were out of diapers, but then I noticed I still had tons of milk to give,” said Chambers, 34. “So, I decided to put it to good use.”

Many dog owners say that human breast milk is the most nutritious thing for their pets to drink, but it is often very hard to come by.

“Oh boy, my pug Lucyfur, she loves breast milk,” said a dog owner who wishes to remain anonymous. “I started paying Maryanne about 2 years ago. Sometimes, my Lucky, she goes over to Maryanne’s house and suckles straight from the source, but usually I just buy bottled milk.”

Chambers says that she usually charges around $40 a bottle for her breast milk, but that so many clients need multiple bottles, she regularly earns a near six-figure income.

“Last year I cleared $97,000 after taxes,” said Chambers. “If you’ve got tit milk a-brewing, then you better get those dogs over to your place. You won’t regret it.”

Anti-Aging Properties Found In Cat Saliva

Posted on December 3, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOKYO, Japan –

An unlikely beauty secret has come out of Japan which has raised some eyebrows in the United States, but has many women saying it’s working wonders. Enthusiasts claim cat saliva, applied regularly to the ski,n can take the clock back ten years.

Dermatologist Laurie McCormick says it’s best to have fresh saliva because the anti-aging compounds break down over time. “This stuff is like retinol but less irritating,” she said in a recent interview. “I take my cat, Fluffy, and rub his mouth juices all over my face. It really does work wonders!”

Long time user Angela Pavlik says this presents a problem for people who don’t want or can’t have cats, but she has found a work around. “I can’t have pets in my apartment, so I volunteer at the shelter so I have access. If you are thinking about adopting a cat for the facials, I suggest going for an older one. A few pets on their back or head, and you’ve got more than enough. They’re like a faucet, those old cats.”

New D.A.R.E. Program To No Longer Talk About Dangers of Marijuana

Posted on December 3, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Insane celebrity and National D.A.R.E. Spokesman Ted Nugent has announced the program will phase out the anti-pot segment of the DARE program. DARE will instead focus more on harder drugs, such as heroin and cocaine.

Following the marijuana acceptance trend that has spread across the country, “We’ve pretty much given up on trying at this point. It used to be that some kid would narc on their parents about smoking marijuana and we’d get excited,” said Nugent, who has been a spokesman for DARE for the last 47 years. “That’s not so special anymore. We want to crack down on heroin and meth and that shit.”

According to Nugent, the DARE program has needed an overhaul for quite some time, and he is extremely excited that weed will no longer be on the agenda.

“Besides, marijuana cures cancer. I read it on Facebook. As a gun-loving American my first biggest concerns are the war on drugs and the war on terror, but cancer’s up there too,” said Nugent.