MTV Announces New Programming; Channel To Air Music Videos Again

Posted on August 3, 2014 by JP

MANHATTAN, New York –

The television station MTV, which long ago was the voice of Music on television, has gone downhill since their heyday in the mid-to-late 80s. Where once they were known for playing the best music and great music videos, over time the station has steered away from music, and has become more known for their hit reality television shows. The Viacom-owned station has been garnering huge ratings over the past few years with show like The Jersey Shore and The Real World, shows that have nothing at all to do with music.

According to sources inside MTV, though, that is all going to change, and probably very soon. An as-yet-unnamed television company approached Viacom to purchase the trademarked name MTV, in hopes that they could actually use it to bring back the glory days of the network, and begin showing music videos once more.

With another company interested in starting a new network, using MTV’s original concept – and one that made them famous – executives for the network have begun to re-think their current strategy for programming.

According to a source close to the talks, MTV will again be playing music videos and music-related shows, toning down their reality programs to almost nil. Instead, those shows will begin airing on their own network, MTVDocs, which will have shows such as The Real World, Catfish, and more.

“We lost touch with who we are, and this attempted buy-out really opened our eyes” said the CEO of MTV Judy McGrath. “As everyone has already been informed, I am moving on to Amazon come October, but this project will be taken over by my successor, and I can promise everyone that we will be known for music videos once more.”

Ratings are expected to drop dramatically at first, but the company is optimistic that over time they will be back up. In a recent poll, kids and teens aged 11-19 actually had no idea that MTV once played music at all.

“I didn’t know that MTV stood for Music Television,” said Joey Goldsmith, a super-fan of MTV’s show Catfish. “I always just assumed the letters meant nothing. Kind of like how NBC doesn’t stand for anything. I don’t know. Either way, I’m glad they’re not getting rid of all the good shows! I’ll just watch Nev and Max on Catfish when they move over to the MTVDocs channel!”

Not all viewers are excited for the change, with many not interested at all in seeing music videos or music-related programming.

“This is complete bulls—! I want to see the world how it truly is, not how rappers throw their cheddar around and rock stars jump off stages,” said Aaron Silver, a 15-year-old from Mississippi. “If we can’t watch 16 year olds get pregnant and drunk people fight on the beach, how will we learn about American history?”

In related news, VH1 has said that they may consider playing music videos again as well, to which several people replied “Wait, VH1 is still a channel?”

U.S. Government Announces Plans To Sell Statue of Liberty

Posted on August 2, 2014 by JP

LIBERTY ISLAND, New York –

One of the most iconic figures in the history of the United States will be put up for auction this fall, say representatives from the White House. The Statue of Liberty is being put up for sale after congress has deemed it as “luxury” item that the state of New York, and the government itself, cannot continue to afford to maintain.

The decision was made after several other countries made actual offers on Lady Liberty. After determining that the offers were legitimate, and seeing the astonishing amounts that were being offered, President Obama met with his cabinet and they decided that it would be an easy way to put an ‘injection into the heart of the economy.’

Since October 28, 1886, the statue has stood proudly in place and gave new immigrants to America hope, welcoming them to their new life. The people of France gave the Statue to the people of the United States over one hundred years ago in recognition of the friendship established during the American Revolution.

It appears that friendship has a price after all, though. Representatives from the French government have yet to give a statement on their thoughts about the sale, but financial advisors and lawyers for the government in France are working on making sure they receive a portion of the profit that America makes when selling it.

Ticket sales for The Statue of Liberty tour are happening now, with everyone still being able to gain admittance until the date is announced for the sale. President Obama has urged everyone who has not seen the Statue in person to try to make it to Liberty Island ‘as soon as possible.’

“This is a piece of history, absolutely,” said President Obama. “We want all Americans to be able to see Lady Liberty, her majestic beauty, up close before it is too late. Ticket sales will help in the cost of dismantling the statue from her base for her eventual move to the country of her buyer.”

Man Arrested At Airport With 30 Pounds of Heroin In His Anus

Posted on July 31, 2014 by JP

SPRINGFIELD, Illinois –

A resident of Springfield, Illinois was arrested Wednesday morning after police caught the man attempting to smuggle drugs on to an airplane. The arrest took place at Abraham Lincoln Capital Airport, and employees there are reportedly in shock over the events.

The gentleman under custody is Christopher Nowkuvski, and he is being charged with drug possession, trafficking, and a several misdemeanor charges. The arresting officer claims he has never seen anything like this before, and said that he found it ‘hilarious’ that the culprit thought he could squeeze his way by security.

According to police reports, Nowkuvski had almost 30 pounds of heroin inserted in his anus, in what police are saying was a failed attempt to get it on the plane bound for Canada. Unfortunately for Nowkuvski, he didn’t make it very far through security before being stopped and questioned.

“He came into the airport sweating and limping, as if he was dying. We knew something was up from the get-go,” said Joe Goldsmith, a security guard for the airport. “I asked him if he needed medical help, and he nervously laughed, claiming he was fine and just needed to get on the plane. He began to walk towards his gate, and from behind I noticed little balloons begin to fall from the leg of his pants.”

Once he was in custody, Nowkuvski claimed he had no idea how the drugs got into his anus. Officers at the scene gave him a full cavity search, which took nearly 3 full hours. The final bag was lodged so far inside him, that it was almost reaching his intestines.

“It was insane, it wouldn’t stop coming out. After 10 bags we were in awe to how he even got it up there, then once we began to get into the hundreds all bets were off,” said Goldsmith. “It’s definitely one for the record books. If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I surely never would have believed it.”

If convicted, Nowkuvski could face up to 30 years in prison for trafficking.

Tennessee Woman Sues Her Husband For Getting Her Pregnant

Posted on July 31, 2014 by JP

JACKSON, Tennessee –

A trial is set for a new lawsuit filed last week after a wife decided to sue her husband of 15 years after he got her pregnant. Tracy Smith, a resident of Jackson, is taking her husband Carl to court after he accidentally got her pregnant. The case is not about rape, but rather an alleged action of ‘personal neglect,’ after Smith’s husband promised not to get her pregnant.

“He told me he wouldn’t get me pregnant, but here we are and I’m pissed,” said Smith. “I love the man to death, but this is serious neglect on his part, and he will pay for what he has done to me!”

The lawsuit was filed on Tuesday, but Smith’s husband and his lawyer don’t think that the judge will take this case too seriously.

“This is a very strange case, and to be honest my client shouldn’t be fined or charged for something some people would kill for,” said Harvey Feinstein, the defendant’s lawyer. “It takes at least two people to perform intercourse, and each party should be responsible for their safety and well-being. If Mrs. Smith didn’t want to get pregnant, there were many ways that she could have taken her own precautions against it. Relying solely on her husband to wear a condom or to pull-out is just ridiculous.”

Attorneys for both sides are set to make their opening arguments to the judge on August 5th. Mrs. Smith is seeking damages in the amount of $25,000, and if she wins her case, the money cannot come from their joint account.

Carl Smith has denied to comment on what he calls ‘the stupidest thing that’s happened to him since he got married in the first place.’

Peyton Manning Injured, Team Says He’s Out For Season

Posted on July 26, 2014 by JP

DENVER, Colorado –

Not only will fantasy football rosters be ruined for everyone, but a season is in jeopardy for a team thought to be the top competitor coming into the NFL season this fall. Reports of Peyton Manning being out for the season have been confirmed by the team doctor after an injury that occurred in a walk-through practice.

The team was doing simple drills with no pads or contact, and Manning still found a way to break his ankle in three places, leaving him off the roster for the Denver Broncos.

The injury occurred when Manning dropped back for a pass and tripped over equipment that had been left out.

It is unclear when and if he will return to the field, but sources have confirmed that the equipment manager has been fired due to the incident. The Bronocos will be looking for hope in their back-up quarterback Brock Osweiler.

Osweiler says that he is nervous, but also ready to lead the team back to the Super Bowl.

“It’s crazy how it happened but when you get a chance to start in the NFL as a quarterback you have to take it,” said Osweiler. “Being a backup QB, I am more than prepared for this type of thing to happen, but I also thought if it did happen it would be during the season. I’m not saying it won’t be tough to follow Peyton Manning, but I have nothing but faith in myself, the team, and the organization.”

Tests are being run on Manning to see how critical the damages are to the ankle and if returning to play during the 2014-2015 season will be an option for the all-star quarterback.

Move Over OctoMom: California Woman Pregnant With 10 Babies

Posted on July 25, 2014 by JP

SAN DIEGO, California –

Years ago a woman by the name of Nadya Denise Doud-Suleman shocked the world when she became pregnant with 8 children. The news of her pregnancy brought on a lot of attention, and people were in disbelief that something like that could actually happen to a human being.

With her pregnancy and birth of the children, fame hit for a solid 15 minutes for the nicknamed OctoMom as she had paparazzi following her around, deals with television networks, and even contract offers worth millions for an adult film.

Get ready to be shocked again, World, because after a recent ultrasound on a San Diego, California woman, doctors officially say that OctoMom’s record has been broken, as a patient at the San Diego Medical Center is pregnant with 10 babies.

Reports surfaced after a doctor confirmed that he has heard 10 separate heartbeats after a routine ultrasound. The mother has yet to be named per her request.

“It is an incredibly dangerous scenario this women is facing, and she isn’t taking the situation lightly” said Doctor Harold Reed, an obstetrician at San Diego Medical Center. “When first examining her I thought that the equipment I was using was faulty, but after several test and diagnoses, it is clear that she is pregnant with 10 babies.”

Doctor Reed went on to say that, unfortunately, the chances of all the children surviving and being born healthy are slim.

“Our patient is aware that this is a severely rare situation,” said Reed. “She is about 5 months along at this moment, and we have actually agreed to keep her here, under our watchful care, to try to best make sure that her babies can be born with the least amount of risk to both her health, and the health of her unborn children.”

Dr. Reed said that currently the woman is doing fine, and has been made very aware of her circumstances. She is due to give birth at the beginning of December.

George W. Bush Arrested for Cocaine Possession

Posted on July 24, 2014 by JP

DALLAS, Texas –

One of the most notorious Presidents in history of The United States of America is back in the spotlight, but not because of his politics. George W. Bush was arrested in a Dallas suburb late Tuesday evening after a routine traffic stop uncovered over an ounce of cocaine in his glove compartment.

Dallas police say they pulled over Bush after he made a right turn without signaling. Officers report they were surprised when seeing it was the ex-president, but felt something was off about his behavior. They say Bush seemed under the influence of a narcotic, and the officers on-scene asked to search the car. Curiously, Bush consented, and police found the narcotics.

“We pulled over the truck and were about to write a simple traffic ticket and things escalated fast,” said officer Charles Cane, a veteran officer with the Dallas Police Department. “At first my partner and I were stunned with who was in the truck ,and [Bush] began to crack jokes and asked if we wanted to take a picture with him. I noticed he was sniffling quite a bit and the glaze on his eyes screamed that the was under the influence.”

Cane said that once the officers uncovered the cocaine, Bush tried to bribe them to keep from getting arrested. When that failed, he turned to threats and rambling, reportedly saying that he would ‘get the FBI to kick their a–‘ and that ‘Presidents can break any laws they want.’

“I broke so many laws when I was in office, and I didn’t see you coming to try to arrest me then!” Bush shouted at police officers. “I’ve been doing coke for decades! I used to blow lines out of a Skull & Bones in New Haven tittie bars when you were making nice in your diapers, kid. You just want your name in the papers next to mine.”

“It was a tough arrest to make, but I didn’t become a police officer to make easy decisions. He begged me over and over to let it slide, then he offered me money, then he called me an ass—-, but that is the way the law goes. We don’t offer special treatment to anyone in Dallas. I don’t care who you are.”

Representatives for Bush have yet to comment, but bail was set at $5,000 and posted immediately. Bush spent less than 6 hours in a holding cell before being released.

Body Found Under Motel Bed, Police Say It Has Been There At Least 5 Years

Posted on July 24, 2014 by JP

MOUNT LAUREL, New Jersey –

Stunning news this morning out of New Jersey, as reports of police discovering the body of a young woman under a motel bed have been confirmed. The owners of the motel asked that their name and location be omitted from news reports to protect their business.

The body, which has yet to be identified, was found by a person staying in the room.

“I dropped the television remote, and when I went to check under the bed I found her. It was like something out of a scary movie,” said Aaron Silver, the man staying in the room.

According to initial reports by the medical examiner on-scene, it appears as though the body lay undisturbed in the room for about 5 years. There was a normal amount of rot and decay on the body to suggest that it had not been moved or touched over the course of that time.

The motel has not made a comment about the issue but have told police that they are constantly cleaning their rooms and have no idea how this could have slipped beneath the cracks.

“I clean that room every day. I noticed a smell several times, and told my manager,” said Anita Rodriguez, a housekeeper at the motel. “He told me to just use extra Febreeze in the room and it would go away eventually. I always hated cleaning that room.”

Motel representatives say that all their rooms are cleaned daily, but that it is not the policy of the company to make their housekeepers check under the beds.

“They do a heavy clean of the rooms to sanitize for guests, but when it comes to under the beds, they just run the vacuum around the edges. Who really looks under the bed, anyway? No reason to waste anyone’s time,” said Charles Dyson, a representative of the motel chain.

“It’s the most bizarre thing I’ve ever seen,” said police chief Joe Goldsmith. “I’ve seen a lot of strange things in my time on the force, but to think about all the people who’ve stayed in this room, with a dead body beneath them, and they didn’t know about it? It gives me the heebie-jeebies.”

Police have seized room and occupant records for the last several years, and are trying to trace the person or persons who may have stayed in the room around the time of death.

“Funny thing is, the records also show literally almost 1,000 complaints from people who stayed in the room over the years. Everything from a bad smell to an ‘eerie feeling.’ Several people even asked to switch rooms in the middle of the night,” said Goldsmith. “The motel really should have checked out that room a little more closely.”

The body of the young woman is set for autopsy at the end of the week.

5-Year-Old Finds Human Finger In His McDonald’s Happy Meal

Posted on July 23, 2014 by JP

MONTPELIER, Vermont –

One of the biggest fast food restaurants in the world will be facing yes another lawsuit that could potentially take a huge chunk from the their bank account. McDonald’s is under the spotlight after a 5-year-old boy discovered a human finger in his Happy Meal earlier this week.

The Happy Meal was purchased at a location in Montpelier, Vermont, and employees there are baffled to how something like this happened under what store management claims is a ‘tightly run ship.’

“I can’t believe that something like this happened. I have no idea how it could have,” said Dan Green, manager of the McDonald’s location where the finger was allegedly found. “I’ve literally checked all my employees hands, and all of them still have their fingers, so we believe that are restaurant wasn’t the cause of the problem. Either the finger came from further up the industrial ladder, or the family themselves planted it in the meal.”

To add to the confusion, it wasn’t until hours after the Happy Meal was purchased that the local mother, Erica Silver, came back in, causing an uproar about it. The item was purchased in the drive-thru of the McDonald’s, and Goldsmith claims she had no idea that the finger was in there until she noticed her son was sucking on something.

“I handed it to my son in the back seat, as I always do, and he ate his nuggets and apple slices,” said Silver. “When we got home, I noticed that he was sucking on something. I thought at first it was an apple slice, but I screamed in horror when I pulled it out of his mouth to discover it was a finger!”

Silver’s son, Mark, was taken to the emergency room where he was checked for possible diseases or infection, and to Silver’s relief, they found no issues.

“They are lucky that he didn’t get sick from sucking that finger,” said Silver. “That does not excuse the fact, though, that they need better management of their food and what goes into the containers. You can bet that I’m going to be speaking to my attorney about this.”

McDonald’s corporation has denied comment on the matter, pending an internal investigation.

Over the years, many people have claimed to find disturbing things in their McDonald’s means, including teeth, band-aids, hair, bits of plastic, and even bits of trash. This marks the first time the company has been accused of letting a finger slip through the cracks and into a meal container.

Derek Jeter Cancels Retirement, Signs 3-Year Contract With Boston Red Sox

Posted on July 23, 2014 by JP

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

The franchise player Derek Jeter is sure to disappoint every New York Yankee fan in the world after deciding not to retire after this baseball season. One of their star players for years, Jeter has signed a multi-year deal with Yankees rival the Boston Red Sox.

According to sources, Boston has been eyeing the possibility of picking up Jeter since he announced he would retire after this year, his 20th season in the MLB. Reportedly, the deal will make him an additional $25 million a year for the 3 years of his contract.

Reports have confirmed that Jeter and his agents have agreed to the terms of the contract, and Jeter is signing on the dotted line Wednesday evening.

Rumors swirled across the league that the Red Sox sent Jeter an offer during the all-star break, but insiders say they didn’t believe that Jeter would be interested. After 20 years in baseball, the game has taken its toll on Jeter, and he reportedly was looking forward to giving up the game. Once Jeter’s lawyers got their hands on the contract, they persuaded him to take the deal.

“It was great to have Derek on the team and he has done a lot for this organization and will always be remembered for what he has down for this team,” said Yankees manager Joe Girardi. “I don’t know his exact future after this season, but he will not be playing in a Yankee uniform and never will again.”

Fans of both New York and Boston are vehemently against the signing. New York fans consider Jeter a traitor for signing with their biggest rival; Boston fans want nothing to do with the ‘face of the Yankees’ playing for their beloved team.

“The guy is a first-rate jerkoff,” said Burt O’Reilly, a Boston resident and a lifelong fan of the Red Sox. “He comes to our team, takes a wicked huge load of money, and he probably won’t do a damn thing for us. Screw Jeter. We don’t need him playing in Fenway.”

Players across the league have taken to social media to comment on the deal, with tweets being been made by several Yankees players, saying things like “Jeter made an A-Rod Move” and “Years of history will be ruined with one signature.”

So far, Jeter has not commented publicly on his deal. A request for comments from Jeter’s management team was not immediately returned.