‘Super Crack’: Ex-CIA Agent Reveals Government Plan To Release New Drug Into Inner-Cities

WASHINGTON, D.C. –  'Super Crack'- Ex-CIA Agent Reveals Government Plan To Release New Drug Into Inner-Cities

Earlier this week, a defector from the CIA released thousands of documents regarding the Agency’s involvement in drug-smuggling, extortion, and murder. There are ledgers, account numbers, signed directives, and all manner of incriminating evidence irrevocably linking CIA agents to hundreds of major felonies; but that’s not the worst part. The defector, one William Kingsley, has released the outline of a new plot to release an even more powerful drug into our nations cities.

There have long been conspiracy theories regarding the introduction of crack cocaine into American inner-cities by the Central Intelligence Agency. The ‘tin-foil hat’ crowd has always been convinced that Contras and independent contractors flew cocaine-laden planes into the airport at Mena, Arkansas, under the supervision of Colonel Oliver North; and with the cooperation of then-Governor of Arkansas, Bill Clinton. According to stories and reports by ghosts and dead men, the cocaine was then sold to finance black operations undertaken by the CIA. Coups were staged with drug profits, revolutions were initiated with blood money. It was a dirty, risky business, and many lives were lost or ruined in the process. At least, that’s what the Infowars set would have you believe. Most logical people dismissed the whole thing as the delusions of madmen; at least that is, until now.

Agent Kingsley, a West Point graduate and former intelligence officer, spent thirty years building a career as a high-level analyst in the Central Intelligence Agency, and no one is sure exactly why he chose to leave it all behind. The CIA is working hard to dismiss and discredit Kingsley as an extremist, but extremist or no, there is no disputing the credibility of the information he has released thus far. In his latest release of information via prepared statement, posted on various social networks and forums, Kingsley outlined the plan to release the new drug.

“The CIA has developed a new drug which gives the euphoric rush of cocaine, has the addictive qualities of heroin, with little risk of overdose. It is easily and cheaply produced, but requires listed chemicals and complex laboratory equipment. The goal was to keep costs down while making the drug nearly impossible to manufacture on the streets. After months of formulations, they hit the nail on the head. The Agency has not given the drug an official name, but for the time being, it is being referred to as ‘super crack’. The drug will be produced in several forms, to target the various types of users.”

The formula released by Kingsley has been tested by independent chemists and confirmed to be highly narcotic, and dangerously addictive. Dr Leo Marvin, a highly respected research pharmacist and organic chemist examined the formula and was shocked by its potency.

“This compound replicates dopamine and oxytocin at a rate that would nearly overwhelm the brain’s receptors. To return to baseline levels of those neurotransmitters after such an experience would no doubt render a person nearly suicidally depressed. A person addicted to a drug like this would be willing to pay any cost necessary to keep it in their system. The profit margin would be nearly unlimited,” Dr Marvin said, after his study of the compound.

Agent Kingsley asserts that the CIA plans to use the drug not only as a form of revenue, but also as a method of producing subservient and mindless zombies who can be controlled by manipulation of their addiction. He has provided pages of notes regarding the development of the drug and its possible uses.

“Imagine an army that doesn’t care about death or morality. That’s what the Agency wants. They are going to use this drug as a multiplier or a lever. A hit-man will kill a man for ten thousand dollars. A junkie will do it for a fix. For ten thousand dollars, they can make thousands of fixes. You do the math.”

Say Goodbye To Privacy: NSA To Share Personal Data With Employers Upon Request

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Say Goodbye To Privacy- NSA To Share Personal Data With Employers At Their Request

The National Security Agency, which has been under intense scrutiny since Edward Snowden spilled the beans about the level of personal information they collect, has announced a new information sharing program they hope will ingratiate them with businesses across America. NSA public relations liaison Michael Phillips explained the program in a press release.

“The focus of this program is for the NSA to express our gratitude to the businesses whose tax dollars support our operation. While our primary focus remains the gathering of intelligence for national security purposes, we collect a lot of information that is of no use to us, but would be of great use to employers. For instance, we can provide detailed records of your employees’ or prospective employees’ internet browsing habits, phone records, and in some cases, much more. Background checks and references only go so far. If you really need to know who you’re hiring, you can find out, and the NSA can help. All you need to take advantage of the program is a government-issued business tax ID number.”

While some companies are more than happy to take advantage of the program, others are afraid of the message it will send to their employees. Frank Vargas, owner of a large automotive paint distributor in Austin, Texas, expressed some of his concerns.

“Everybody wants to know about the people they associate with on a daily basis, but this seems a little extreme. Do we really want people to have that kind of access to our personal lives? Our thoughts? What scares me is, some people are going to love this, take full advantage of it. Is it really fair to deny people employment based on an off-color joke sent in a text? There are things people do and say in their private lives that have no bearing on on their job performance. Hell, I’m sure I’ve said something that might bar me from employment, but that’s my business. Maybe it’s time for us to re-evaluate who we have running our country.”

Other business owners are jumping on the surveillance bandwagon and not looking back. Steve Clemons, of Clemons and Son machining, thinks the program is great.

“I’m a Christian, and I run my business based on Christian values. I expect my employees to operate on the same moral level as I do. Since I joined the program, I have replaced seven employees. There was adultery, racism, and all manner of of immorality eating at the moral fabric of my company like a cancer. Thanks to the NSA, I was able to nip it in the bud, and hire some wholesome family men to replace the jerks I let go.”

“The whole process was really easy, too,” said Christopher Lewis, a restaurant owner from Chicago. “I filled out a couple forms with the information I already had on the employees I wanted to check up on, sent it in along with a check, and they sent me packets of information. The whole thing took about 2 weeks. They sent me emails, Facebook private messages, even text messages. They had it all. It really helped in deciding who to keep, and who to replace. It also helps when looking to hire someone new.”

Regardless of individual public position on surveillance, the era of privacy seems to be in its twilight years, and the NSA is helping to usher in a new age – at least for those who can afford to pay for secrecy.

11-Year-Old African-American Student Forced To Ride To School In The Back Of The Bus

WEST AKRON, Ohio – 11-Year-Old African-American Student Forced To Ride To School In The Back Of The Bus

The predominantly African-American community of West Akron is rife with discontent tonight after Jamal Johnson, a black student who attends a special summer-school program provided by the Akron school district, was forced to ride at the back of the bus for the entire forty-five minute ride. Shanteal Johnson, mother of Jamal, was understandably angry that her son was seated in the very rear of the bus, despite there being many other seats available.

“This is racism, plain and simple. They put my boy at the back of that bus, and there were all of them other seats available. They can say what they want, and they can spin it however, but this is a direct slap in the face of Rosa Parks, and an assault on African-Americans by the Akron School district,” said Johnson.

In response to the allegations of racism, Akron Public Schools has released an explanatory, yet scathing statement.

“While we do acknowledge that Jamal Johnson was seated at the back of the bus, we contest that the seating arrangements had anything to do with race. Yes, Jamal is African-American. He is also a paraplegic, and our handicapped accessible buses have a wheelchair lift at the rear entrance. The chair is lifted and rolled in through the rear door, where it is secured to the floor with a clamp system. So while he was seated at the back of the bus, the seating was simply due to the mechanical characteristics of the vehicle. Handicapped students of other races and heritages are seated in the same fashion. Any accusation of racism here is idiotic and patently ridiculous.”

The prepared statement was met with derision and incredulity by some Akronites who believe that the ramp story is just a convenient excuse, and Shanteal herself is undecided about whether or not to believe its contents.

“It all seems contrived to me, like maybe they knew when they designed these buses that there would be black handicapped students riding at the back of them someday. Maybe what they say is true, Lord knows I hope that it is; but for some reason, I feel that everyone is laughing at our expense. I guess I’ll take the statement at face value for now, but if I find out this has all been a big joke at the expense of the African-American people, there will be hell to pay.”

Throughout the awkward situation with its finger-pointing and flaring tempers, perhaps eleven year old Jamal has been the one to keep the coolest head.

“I like sitting at the back of the bus,” he said with a smile. “I don’t understand the problem. The back of the bus is where the cool kids sit anyway. It’s easier for me to talk to the other kids back there.”

‘Anti-Vaxxers’ Jailed After Child Hospitalized With Whooping Cough

BALTIMORE, Maryland – 'Anti-Vaxxers' Jailed After Child Hospitalized With Whooping Cough

Anti-vaccination has become the latest trend embraced by the ‘natural parenting’ community. There are thousands of protests, Facebook groups, shared memes, and informative campaigns sweeping the nation. It is a movement spearheaded by parents who don’t trust medicine, and embrace natural living. Rachel and David Posey of Baltimore, Maryland, are one such couple, and this week they were arrested and charged with child endangerment after their child was hospitalized with whooping cough, which has a fifty percent mortality rate in infants.

Jenny McCarthy, one of the strongest proponents of the ‘anti-vaxx’ craze, was very vocal upon hearing about the arrest.

“This is criminal. They are forcing us to poison our children, and now they are arresting us if we have the wisdom to refuse. I may not be a doctor, but I know these vaccines cause all kinds of problems, and they aren’t even one hundred percent effective. Besides, most of these things we vaccinate against aren’t even around anymore. Why vaccinate against a disease that no one even gets?” said McCarthy.

Adacel, one of several drugs on the market for vaccination against Pertussis, also known as ‘Whooping Cough.’

Anti-Vaxxers across the country are up in arms over the arrest, and are taking to the internet to voice their displeasure. There is even a petition for the Posey’s release on Change.org. Mary Ruiz, spokesperson for the Center for Disease Control and strong proponent for vaccinations, has addressed the mass outrage.

“With the vast amount of knowledge shared among the world’s population, it would be impossible for everyone to be well-versed on every topic. You don’t get on an airliner and decide that you can fly the plane better than the pilot, who has trained for thousands of hours. Why then is it the norm for people from all walks of life to decide that they are more knowledgeable about disease than an immunobiologist?” said Ruiz. “Not to take anything away from the average citizen, but if you received a “D” in physical science class, you are in no position to decide what compounds are unsafe for use in the human body. We had nearly stamped out a number of deadly diseases, and now, many of them are coming back in full force.  Ten years ago, we were fighting the last vestiges of these diseases in third world countries. Now we are fighting them here. Children are dying, and we have these anti-vaccination parents to thank for it.”

Anti-Vaxx parents aren’t letting things like facts stand in their way, and a large contingent has taken up visage outside of the Baltimore County Courthouse to express their outrage. One protester summed up the movement quite nicely, saying that the arrest has made ‘legends’ of the Posey family.

“The Posey family are heroes. It is sad that their baby is sick, but what they are doing, fighting for our rights, it’s damn honorable. It will all be worth it in the end. Every struggle comes with a price, but soon, our unvaccinated children will be allowed equal rights under the law,” said Brent Pine, a father of 3 young, unvaccinated children.

The Baltimore County District Attorney has not been amused by the circus surrounding the case.

“These people are criminals. Good intentions aside, we feel that they are directly responsible for this child’s illness, and I assure you, if this baby dies as a result of this illness, the charges will be amended to negligent homicide,” said Baltimore District Attorney Melissa Brooks. “Regulations are in place for a reason, and contrary to some people’s beliefs, you should not be able to put your childs health at risk over an unsubstantiated rumor.”

The US Government allows a certain amount of leeway with regard to parents raising their children in a manner that they deem fit, but even religion sects that consider modern medicine to be unsafe, including members of the Christian group The Church of the First Born, have come under legal fire when neglecting proper medical care for their young children.

Several years ago, a 3-year-old girl died when her family refused to bring in her to the hospital for medical care for a treatable disease. The family attributed the sickness to ‘God’s Will,’ punishment for not attending church frequently enough. The parents let her die. They were later acquitted of charged of child abuse. Experts say that Anti-Vaxxers are slowly moving the way of a religious, or cult-like, behavior.

“These people need to understand that years of medical training and science goes into these vaccinations. We are not injecting people, children or adults, with ‘experimental’ drugs or something, all willy-nilly,” said Dr. George West, pediatric surgeon at Massachusetts General Hospital. “Please, for the sake of your children, get them vaccinated. These diseases and illnesses are preventable, and they are dire. Whooping cough will kill your baby. For crying out loud, we’re seeing Measles making a comeback. We obliterated that disease almost 15 years ago. It’s coming back specifically because of these ignorant, uninformed families.”

The Poseys face one count each of child endangerment and neglect, and are scheduled for a hearing on September 2nd. A lawyer for the couple refused comment.

Affordable Care Act Requires Euthanasia For Sick Seniors

MIAMI, Florida – Affordable Care Act Requires Euthanasia For Sick Seniors

Two years ago, Mildred Honeycutt, a senior and a resident of an assisted living community near Miami, Florida, was ecstatic about her new health coverage under the Affordable Care Act. Deemed ‘too affluent’ for Medicaid, she had found it impossible to get coverage due to her advanced age and several pre-existing medical conditions. Today she is singing a different tune.

“I went to see my doctor, because I’ve been tired all the time and I noticed I was bruising easily. They ran some tests, and it turns out I have leukemia. I asked the doctor what kind of treatment I would need, and he said that normally they would start chemotherapy and bone marrow transplants immediately. I asked him what he meant by ‘normally’, and he told me that those procedures for someone at my age aren’t covered. He said they are considered to be cost-prohibitive, meaning that the amount of time that they could extend my life was not deemed to be ‘worth the cost’.”

It gets worse. The approved treatment for someone in Mildred’s condition at her age is euthanasia. If she opts out of the approved treatment, meaning she will get to die naturally, the plan will not cover things like pain medication.

“It’s like they actually want to kill me. Either I let them do the same thing to me that they do to convicted murderers, or they’ll take my meds away and I’ll be in constant pain until I die naturally.”

An insurance underwriter from Blue Cross and Blue shield was willing to take a look at Mildred’s case on the condition of anonymity.

“It is pretty clear cut. They have all these financial de-escalators in place here, mostly buried in the fine print and shrouded in legalese. But, she is right. Her policy dictates that the only allowable treatment for her condition is euthanasia. If she refuses treatment, it will basically nullify her entire policy. She’ll wind up having to take Asprin for pain caused by her cancer, and she’ll have to pay for that out of pocket”

Mildred was understandably upset by the findings, and is unsure of what she is going to do. Even if she was to file a motion or suit, she would either be dead or too far gone to receive treatment before it ever got before a judge.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do. I know I’m going to die either way, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in agony. At the same time it seems wrong to just let them kill me like a feral dog. I am going to pray about it. It’s just not right,” said Mildred.

Whatever Mildred’s choice, she has a little over a week to decide. Her next appointment is coming up fast, and one way or another, it will be her last.

Apple Programmer Admits To Stealing Android Code For Use in iPhones

SILICON VALLEY, California –  Apple Programmer Admits To Stealing Android Code For Use in iPhones

A top Apple programmer sent ripples through the mobile community with the revelation that he has been copying code from a three-year-old version of the Android operating system. Manish Karmic, a twenty eight-year-old developer who has worked for Apple for the past six years, was overheard bragging about his coding ‘ace in the hole’ at a company function by a guest and a member of the media.

Cheryl Smart, a tech blogger for Wired Magazine, was able to capture part of the conversation on her iPhone 5s.

“Honestly, it pissed me off a little bit,” She wrote in her personal blog. “I mean, I just paid eight hundred dollars for this phone because it is trendy, and it ‘just works’, and here is one of the guys who designed it laughing about how he copied obsolete technology from another operating system and passed it off as innovation. Now they are adding more recycled features, like Near Field Communications, and offering different screen sizes, two more things Android has been doing for years.”

Smart claims that she heard Karmic admit to literally copying and pasting thousands of lines of code from a Samsung Galaxy SIII, a phone that the Android community has largely forgotten about.

“And then Apple has the audacity to sue over common sense features like ‘pinch to zoom’ and the general shape of a phone,” Her rant continued.

iPhone users everywhere are jumping to the defense of their favorite device, even after hearing the recording that Smart has uploaded to her blog. They didn’t hesitate to let her know all about it in her comments section.

“Big screens used to be like, so stupid, but they make like, total sense to me now,” stated one guest poster. “And I didn’t get the whole pay-with-your-phone thing before, but now it is like, a total necessity for me.”

“They [Google] think that just because they had something first that it makes them better,” wrote another commenter. “Well, my iPhone is way better. I don’t care about the open source community or removable storage. My phone fits better into my skinny jeans.”

Android owners were quick to jump to the defense of their devices and ridicule the Apple supporters, making sure that none of them escaped unscathed.

“You guys are sheep,” read one retort by user CuddlyMuff. “If Apple released a rotary phone with a shorted-out cord, you’d all be raving about how steampunk it was and how the crackling from the cord shorting out actually improved the quality of your calls.”

One thing is certain, as long as Google keeps innovating, the iPhone is here to stay, thanks to the handy work of geeks like Manish Karmic, who have both a cool eye for copying code and a finger on the pulse of their customers.

“I could code something into iOS that should make them [iPhone users] hate the phone, but they won’t,” Manish can be heard saying on the recording. “I could code in something that would drain their bank accounts, and they would just talk about how much better their lives were with no money. They’ll buy anything. So I just put in whatever, and go to the golf course.”

Pope Reveals Catholic Religion Is ‘Hoax That Got Out of Hand’

VATICAN CITY, Italy – Pope Reveals Catholic Religion Is 'Hoax That Got Out of Hand'

In a shocking turn of events, the Vatican released a statement earlier this week admitting that Christianity as a whole, and Catholicism specifically, have been little more than an elaborate prank spanning just over two millennia, and that the new testament was written specifically to further the agenda of the church. When pushed for comment at a press conference yesterday afternoon, Pope Francis had a speech prepared.

“It all started as a way for some of the more fun-loving Jews to rustle the jimmies of some of their overly scholarly classmates. They got together and decided to have this big to-do about the birth of the Messiah. It was a great set up, really. Joseph and Mary had this whole illegitimate pregnancy thing that they needed to explain, so they worked that in there. Eventually, it just got out of hand. There was all this killing and persecution, and by that point it was too late to come clean. I mean, can you imagine? Spending twenty years living a charade, gaining all these die-hard followers, and then telling them it was all just a dirty trick? Jesus would have wound up on the cross a few years sooner, I can tell you that.”

When asked why the church had kept the secret for so long, Pope Francis was quoted as saying, “Well, by the time the original conspirators had all died, it had gotten too big. The church had become this all-powerful amalgamation of religions. The Holy Roman Empire was really kicking ass. Nothing can unite a conquering army like a promise of glory in the afterlife, similar to what we see going on with Islam these days. So, we just kept it up with the pillaging and the burning of heretics and watch the riches roll in.”

In response to an assertion that Islam was a false religion by proxy, The Pope replied, “Oh, no, no. Not at all. They’ve been right the whole time. That whole crusades mess could’ve been avoided if we’d just bowed down to the one true god, Allah. However, at this point; according to some of the texts I’ve read, it was all just a money game. We couldn’t let the will of our true creator get in the way of what had basically become a license to print money. Dollars, Lira, Wampum, it doesn’t matter what you call it, it has always taken precedence over things like morality and spiritual purity. Really, the only thing that the Muslims are wrong about is the pork. There was, shall we say, an incident, involving a pig and an interspecies strain of a venereal infection. So, big surprise, a cover story was born. Pigs are dirty and so on. Other than that, they are spot on, even though they are kind of dicks about it.”

Though quite taken aback, the Empire News Vatican Correspondent was able to pose the  final question of the conference by asking why The Pope had chosen now to break his vow to secrecy.

“Well, it’s not nearly as orchestrated as some of you may think. Lord knows the conspiracy theorists will be all over this one, like they were when we shot Kennedy, errr, when Kennedy was shot rather. Not to oversimplify the thing, but if you eat a bologna sandwich everyday for lunch for two months, chances are you’ll be tired of bologna. Now, imagine doing it every day for two thousand years. I’m tired of bologna, I’m tired of lies. I sat down with my confidants yesterday, and we decided that it was time to blow the lid off the thing, just move on. I guess getting older has something to do with it. Gotta get right with Allah. Maybe listen to some Cat Stevens. It’s just time we all went a different route. No further questions please.”

The unexpected press conference has since gone viral, leaving millions of people with questions about their faith. They feel lost, directionless, and confused. They want to know, should they continue with their faith, and go through the motions, knowing that it has all been a lie; or should they convert, and uproot their entire lives? It is a question that they will each have to answer individually. The world watches, waiting for an answer.


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