Ray Rice Signs With Denver Broncos, Expected To Play As Soon As Contract Finalized

Posted on December 3, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

DENVER, Colorado –

Recently reinstated by the NFL after being indefinitely suspended for most of the season, Ray Rice has signed with the Denver Broncos and is expected to play immediately following finalization of the pending contract offer.

Head coach John Fox told the press earlier in a brief press conference that the team is excited, and that after seeing Rice run drills to perfection that he has every intention of using the troubled running back immediately.

“He looked fantastic is all the drills he ran. We put him in full gear and had him run some plays against our defense, and I tell ya what – he punched them right in the mouth, just knocked them out during every play. This guy is just raging, he wants on the field badly,” Fox said.

When asked about the controversy surrounding Rice, Fox said that he was ‘barely aware’ of the situation. “Look, he paid the price, I guess. Everybody deserves a second chance, and by God, you better believe we had every intention of taking advantage of the situation. Personally, I don’t care who he did or didn’t punch in the face, because he did it in the past. It is all about the future now. Hopefully his future doesn’t involve any more hits, at least off the field.”

Several NFL teams appeared publicly to be shunning the running back, but according to Rice’s agent, Robert Combs, that was not the case.

“Teams were working him out, but all in secret, because what team wants to deal with the backlash while not being sure if he would even be a part of their team in the end? Basically every team Ray worked out for, and several he didn’t, wanted to make a deal. We came to the undeniable conclusion that Denver was the best place to have a likely chance to win. It wasn’t all about money, he wanted to go some place he would feel accepted and that is highly respected,” Combs told the Associated Press. “I’m just glad that in the NFL it doesn’t matter if you run a dog fighting ring, drive drunk and kill someone, or savagely beat the shit out of your significant other, in the end, the fans and the league will forgive you – as long as you can play the game.”

Details of the pending contract offer have not been released, but Combs said that it is ‘done deal’ and that the legalities and paperwork just need to be finalized.

Gas Prices To Top $7 Per Gallon By Spring According To U.S. Energy Information Administration

Posted on December 2, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C –

On Black Friday, gas prices began to drop quite drastically compared to the upward trends the country has been seeing since the mid-2000’s. While various experts insist that prices will continue to drop, what they and most United States government officials aren’t telling you is, indeed, quite frightening.

Adam Sieminski, Chief Administrator of the U.S. Energy Information Administration (EIA), announced today that it is his educated opinion after years of experience as an expert energy resource consultant, that gas prices will begin to rise very rapidly after the New Year, and continue throughout all of 2015. Sieminski says that prices of regular unleaded gasoline could very well reach $7.00 per-gallon by springtime.

“Don’t be fooled by the current production level of crude oil, which is seemingly leading the average American to believe that gas prices will continue to fall. What we have here, in my expert opinion, is the makings of a real shit-storm,” a shockingly candid Sieminski told reporter Wade Robertson from the KRAP news station in Los Angeles. “The constant disputing and clashing of political parties is to blame. They simply cannot agree as to the cost of anything. If they can’t even decide on a standard price for bubble gum, how can we entrust them to price our fuel supply?”

“The wool is being pulled over the peering eyes of the American public by the government, with all these low gas prices during the holiday season,” said Mark Rupert, an economic advisor at the EIA. “It is simply a decoy to fool the great hard-working citizens of this incredible country into spending more money than they normally would on other products because they’re finally saving on gasoline. All the while, they’re portraying the temporary illusion of a steadily improving national economy. Don’t be fooled!”

In a recent interview with CBS News, John Kingston, director of news at Platts, a provider of global energy, petrochemicals, metals, and agriculture information, said he sees no possible bad outcome of the current low gas prices. When asked if American businesses and consumers should just sit back and enjoy the ride as oil and gas prices continue to march downward, Kingston answered, “I just don’t see why they shouldn’t.”

The EIA clearly disagrees. “Gas, oil and other energies are the biggest business in the world. Of course they want you to believe everything is all fine and dandy, it should be a criminal offense to mislead the nation in this way, it is being done so that just when the average consumer gets comfortable, the shit will hit the fan, and they will be pawning the rims right off their cars just so that they can afford to put gas in them,” Sieminski concluded.

“In the end, who cares about gas prices?” said Jeb Smith, a grizzly, old gas station owner in Des Moines, Iowa. “Up, down, left, right. Gas been fluctuatin’ in price as long as I been alive. People buy the things they need, and they try and buy the things they want. It’s the nature of life, and no economy guy or science doofus is gonna tell me what I should and shouldn’t spend money on.”

Officer Darren Wilson Shot Outside of 7-Eleven In St. Louis

Posted on November 27, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

ST. LOUIS, Missouri –

In a breaking and developing story, the police officer who shot and killed Michael Brown of Ferguson, Missouri was approached by an angry mob and was shot twice upon exiting a 7-Eleven convenience store early this morning. Wilson is currently listed as in stable condition at Mercy Hospital in St. Louis, and is expected to survive.

A witness on the scene, Gloria Matthews, resident of St. Louis, told members of the Associated Press that she recognized the officer from television as she stood behind Wilson in line.

“Everyone in the store was whispering and pointing, it was really awkward,” Matthews said. “He paid for his items, which just happened to be a donuts, of course, and then I paid for my gas. As I walking out, I heard two loud pops that kinda sounded like firecrackers. I looked over and saw him lying on the ground.”

Other witnesses who were outside the store said they saw a group of caucasian men approaching Wilson as he exited the store. It was reported that the men were shouting obscenities at Wilson, and yelled at him blaming him for destroying their city. One witness, Rodney Kingston, said there was a brief exchange of words as Wilson proclaimed he just wanted to get home to his wife and watch television.

“He yelled back at the guys that he just wanted to get home and finish watching the sixth season of Law & Order: SVU on Netflix like a normal person. It was really weird and scary. The damnedest thing was that the guys who were giving him crap were all white, too.” Kingston said.

After Wilson was shot twice, reportedly once in the leg and once in the arm, he fell to ground, dropping both boxes of donuts. Kingston stated that the suspects who fired the shots ran away and jumped into a dark SUV, and then a flurry of looters “arrived out of nowhere” and scooped up all the donuts, lit fireworks, threw some bricks, and fled the scene just as quickly as they arrived. Kingston said he had never seen anything so bizarre in his life.

“Like four guys came from different directions, it was insane. They grabbed the donuts and they threw a couple of bricks at a nearby store, then they all took off,” said Kingston. “What the hell is the matter with this damn city, anyway?”

The group of men who shot Wilson fled the scene and remain at large. No other customers or witnesses were harmed in the incident.

Jennifer Lawrence Breaks It Off With Chris Martin – You Won’t Believe Her Reason!

Posted on November 27, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

In a surprisingly candid recent interview, Academy Award winning actress Jennifer Lawrence, best known for her role as Katniss Everdeen in the stupidly successful Hunger Games movie series, was asked about her recent break-up with Coldplay frontman Chris Martin – a question which turned the beautiful, charismatic, and young star’s face bright, blushing red.

“Chris and I had a very fun time together – we traveled, went to amusement parks, we did the things fun couples are supposed to do,” Lawrence said. “I never was a big fan of his band Coldplay, but my God, who is, right? Anyway, we met, and he is a sweet guy. A little too sweet really, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing.”

So why did such a wonderful, fun, sweet relationship come to an end? Well, despite what sounds like a picture-perfect romance, Lawrence said that there were some shortcomings in the relationship.

“Well…he didn’t quite measure up…to certain aspects as previous boyfriends, I guess you could say,” said Lawrence. The young mega-star then composed herself, took a deep breath, and said, “Chris and I didn’t work out, because he just couldn’t fulfill my needs, if you know what I mean. Actually, let me re-phrase that. Chris literally couldn’t fill my needs. At first it was kind of cute, and it didn’t bother me at all. I’m not some materialistic type chick, I never was. But eventually, I just didn’t feel like he was the right fit for me, or that maybe I was the right fit for him and, in the end, that had a lot to do with it.”

Despite the break-up, Lawrence says that she and Martin remain good friends.

“The relationship wasn’t going to be growing any time soon. In fact, I think it may have stopped growing right before puberty. But despite that, Chris and I are still happy we met, because as I said, he’s a great guy. We’re just better as friends than lovers, as is often the case these days,” said Lawrence. “He really is a wonderful human being, but I mean, you don’t sell a bajillion records if you’re not trying to overcompensating for something. Which is why there’s no way I’ll ever date Chad Kroger from Nickelback.”

Lawrence was ranked the #1 sexiest woman in the world on the FHM ‘100 Sexiest Women In the World’ list. Martin’s ex-wife, Gwyneth Paltrow, refused to comment.

87% Of Population Fear Having Feet Grabbed By Boogeyman If Left Uncovered During Sleep

Posted on November 26, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

STORRS, Connecticut –

The National Association of Sleep Comfort and Coziness (NASCC), a scientific sleep and comfort research program based at the University of Connecticut, released scientific findings accumulated by a clinical study earlier this week showing that 87% of Americans fear having their bare, uncovered feet snatched by the mythical creature known as ‘The Boogeyman’.

Dr. Jason Harper, who leads all studies conducted by the NASCC explained the details of the month-long clinical trial in an interview with Empire News yesterday morning.

“For this study we compiled five-hundred participants, five males and five females from all fifty U.S. states. The trial, which was conducted over a period of thirty days, showed that the overwhelming majority of test subjects could not get a good, sufficient night of sleep if their feet were left uncovered, no matter the temperature,” Dr. Harper said. “Upon further analysis, it was ultimately discovered that 87% of the test subjects had the subconscious, and overwhelming feeling that some mysterious being, aka ‘The Boogeyman’, would come along and grab their uncovered feet as they tried to coax themselves into falling asleep.”

Mark Grammar, of Louisville, Kentucky, who was a participant in the study, told Empire News that he did not consciously believe in ‘The Boogeyman’ before the thirty-day trial, but has had an overpowering sense of fear when trying to sleep at night with his feet uncovered all his life.

“It sounds crazy I know,” Grammar said. “I just can’t fall asleep at night with my bare feet left uncovered because I expect some person or creature to come along and grab them. I would never have believed it, but the study showed that it is indeed a powerful manifestation of my subconscious mind, and that is why most people feel so vulnerable about leaving their bare feet uncovered at night.”

Dr. Harper revealed that 56% of test subjects were females who have a fear of the foot-snatching creeper, leaving 31% males who fear the intimidating, sleep depriving, podiatrist-aspiring beast.

Tanya Brown, of San Diego, California, one of the fearless 13%, said that she laughed all the way through the experiment. “It was such a hoot! Most everyone would be so tired everyday because they couldn’t sleep because they were afraid of the Boogeyman! I mean really? The struggle is indeed real! The Boogeyman gonna getcha!” Brown said as she laughed out loud.

Man Dies From Spontaneous Combustion After Eating Record 107 White Castle Hamburgers

Posted on November 23, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

COLUMBUS, Ohio –

In an extremely bizarre incident, a 35-year-old man from Radcliff, Kentucky has died from the medical phenomenon known as Spontaneous Human Combustion (SHC) while staying at a Holiday Inn in Columbus, Ohio, just hours after breaking the world record for most White Castle hamburgers eaten at a competitive eating competition, sponsored by the organization known as Major League Eating.

Raymond Carter Fitzgerald traveled to Columbus from Kentucky to compete in the 34th annual National White Castle Hamburger Eating Challenge, which took place yesterday afternoon at Ohio State University. Fitzgerald went on to break Joey Chestnuts record of 103 White Castles eaten in 8 minutes by consuming 107 burgers in just under 7 minutes. What happened just 4 hours later has puzzled and shocked medical experts, while proving ultimately tragic for friends and relatives of Fitzgerald.

Fitzgerald’s girlfriend, Molly Owenton, also of Radcliff, Kentucky, told police she returned to their hotel room at about 11:15 pm after making a trip to a local Walgreens to pick up a bottle of Pepto Bismol, stating that Fitzgerald had been complaining of excruciating abdominal pain and gas, when she terrifyingly discovered the deceased body of her beloved, which was still smoldering and smoking when she arrived.

Columbus Police Department spokesperson Edward Stanton told members of the Associated Press that it was a gruesome scene.

“Upon entering the hotel room of Mr. Fitzgerald and Ms. Owenton, police officers reported that the offensive smell was so overpowering that several officers retreated to their squad cars to retrieve their police-issued gas masks. The body of Mr. Fitzgerald continued to smolder for hours. His hands and feet were completely burned off, almost as if he had been electrocuted,” Stanton said. “After hours of investigating, our forensic expert declared that this was, indeed, a very rare case of what is known as Spontaneous Human Combustion. It was also decided that there was no apparent external source of ignition, and the body somehow ignited itself from within. At this time, and after interviewing Ms. Owenton, officials speculate that the build up of gas in the abdomen was most likely the culprit.”

When asked about the case, White Castle management expressed their condolences to the family and friends of Mr. Fitzgerald, and added that they would undoubtedly be sending out White Castle gift certificates to the family for the holidays.

Officials have stated that the case, and its investigation, are ongoing, as police correspond with scientific experts from Ohio State University. Foul play is not suspected.

American Socialite, Entertainer Paris Hilton Found Dead Ends ‘Very Disturbing’

Posted on November 22, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

BEVERLY HILLS, California –

Wealthy American socialite, actress, heiress, and entertainer Paris Hilton, 33, while left alone in her Beverly Hills mansion, said she found her ‘dead ends’ very alarming after showering and drying her hair.

Hilton discovered that she had fallen victim to what common-folk refer to as dead-ends, also known as split-ends, or Trichoptilosis. Trichoptilosis is caused by chemical, thermal, or mechanical stress to hair. Curling irons, excessive heat, and applications of hair coloring and/or perms may strip the protective layering off the outside of the hairs shaft while weakening it in the process, making it prone to split ends. Excessive combing is the most common culprit of mechanical stress to human hair, which, according to the heiress, was the cause of this terrible ordeal. “I just can’t believe it,” Kathy Hilton, the mother of the young socialite told Empire News. “I thought we raised our little girl better than that, to go around like that is just totally tragic.”

When asked about the alarming incident, Paris said that she had recently fired her personal hair stylist and figured she was smart enough to go at it alone. “How hard could it be to maintain a perfect head of hair? I have all the money in the world and I’m not a child anymore. But I guess I like, totally under-estimated the like, importance of having a personal hair stylist. This is like, absolutely embarrassing. I’m like, way freaked out. I thought I could make it alone out in the real word ya know? This is like, totally a life-altering ordeal.”

After discovering the terrifying disfigurement, Hilton made plans to hop aboard her private jet, and flew from Beverly Hills to New York City to meet with world-famous hair stylist Raphael Armand Gianni, where she plans to undergo immediate hair- rehabilitation.

Richard Hilton, the 59-year-old father of Paris told Empire News he doesn’t see what all the fuss is about. “So what? the girl has split ends. Life is not exactly a walk in the park, not even if you are a Hilton. Tragic events will come and go and we just have to find a way to push through it. I’ve told her and told her that looking beautiful in public is one of the most important things she can do with her life, but not the only important thing. I truly believe Paris will indeed push through this, and find something else wrong with her if she takes a good look. Nobody is perfect, not even a Hilton.”

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‘Walking Dead’ Star Norman Reedus Critically Injured By Explosion During Filming

Posted on November 21, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

SENOIA, Georgia –

Norman Reedus, the 45-year-old star and fan favorite who plays the part of crossbow zombie hunting expert Daryl Dixon on the AMC mega-hit television series The Walking Dead, was accidentally injured during filming of the sixth season of the series earlier today, and currently is listed in critical condition at a hospital located in Atlanta, Georgia.

A small explosive charge used to simulate gunfire went off inside co-star Andrew Lincoln’s backpack during filming and exploded, hitting Reedus, who was said to have been standing behind Lincoln at the time of the accident. Lincoln, who plays the part of Rick Grimes on the show, suffered only minor injuries.

Lincoln activated a toggle switch on his belt and set off the small charge, called a squib, a device commonly used on movie sets to simulate the effects of gunfire, and Reedus was struck in the abdomen by a projectile. He was airlifted to an anonymous hospital in Georgia.

“The surgery went as well as could possibly be expected, but Mr. Reedus is not out of the woods by any means. The next twenty-four hours are absolutely crucial in his recovery,” said trauma surgeon Dr. Amar Ashamalla. “In an unrelated injury, we removed an arrowhead which had been lodged in his right thigh for what must have been several weeks, and was left untreated. Apparently, Mr. Reedus somehow injured himself and didn’t notice, or didn’t care. He also had many cuts, scrapes, and bruises, presumably from his grueling film schedule for The Walking Dead, and had reportedly not spoken to the on-set physician about those, either. Curiously, we also found a fragment of ballistics casing in his left forearm. It had clearly been there for years, and we assume it must have been something that happened during his filming of Boondock Saints. Regardless, he is in great hands here, and we will see to it that he recovers in a timely manner.”

When asked about the injuries, Walking Dead Executive Producer Frank Darabont said that Reedus was known as being the ‘toughest actor’ he has ever worked with. “By tough, though, I mean serious, hardcore, no-bullshit badass. He’s laid back and easy-going when it comes to acting, but he’s an intense guy who doesn’t mess around. Norman is a freak, especially when he channels himself in the role of Daryl Dixon. He gets hurt all the time, and never lets anybody treat his injuries. He shoots himself with an arrow and he just doesn’t care? It’s crazy. But, there is absolutely zero doubt in my mind that Norman will make a quick, full recovery and Daryl will be back in action in no time. Norm is one tough son-of-a-bitch!”

Massachusetts Man Comes Forward Alleging Bill Cosby Sexually Assaulted Him

Posted on November 21, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

SHELBURNE, Massachusetts –

Another person has come forward alleging sexual misconduct against Bill Cosby, except this time, it is a man.

Isaac Arnold Jones, owner and operator of a small lawn maintenance company in Shelburne, Massachusetts, went to authorities earlier this week claiming his longtime employer, comedian Bill Cosby, sexually assaulted him in July of 2007.

Jones, who runs the lawn care outfit named ‘Two Bros Mowing’, went to police and told a Special Victims Unit detective that after mowing Cosby’s lawn on a hot July afternoon that Cosby invited him in to cool down, and claims the assault happened inside Cosby’s large estate in the wealthy suburb located near Boston.

“It was just me working that day, my brother had called in sick, and due to a lot of rain we had a lot of catching up to do. Mr. Cosby was obviously our highest priority client so I went to his house first chance I had to get his yard done. Anytime we mow Mr. Cosby’s lawn, we always go over it two or three times to make it look really good,” said Jones in his police report. “It was a hot and humid day and I was sweating a lot. When I finished I went to the door to collect a check. Usually his maid Mabel is waiting for me on the porch, for whatever reason she wasn’t that day. I rung the doorbell and Mr. Cosby answered the door. He told me I had done a great job and his lawn looked wonderful.”

Jones was, naturally, not comfortable discussing the events that allegedly occurred, but eventually continued his story.

“After the praise, he invited me in to cool off, and have a Coke and Pudding Pop. Of course I accepted, it’s Bill Cosby! After I ate one chocolate pudding pop, Bill looked at me and asked me if I wanted another one. He said something like, ‘I’ve got a special chocolate pudding pop for you, if you want some more, son’ and I thought sure, why not? Mr. Cosby left the room and came back with some more pudding, opened it for me, then it happened,” an emotional Jones said.

When asked what Cosby did, Jones was very reluctant to explain, but eventually said that Cosby forced him to perform simulated oral sex on a pudding pop while Cosby watched and rubbed pudding all over his genitals. “I was scared, and didn’t know what to do, so I just did what he said. Plus I was still hungry, and pudding pops are awesome.” Jones replied. “I just tried not to look at all that delicious pudding going to waste as it was rubbed all over his Little Huxtable, and finished the pudding pop as quickly as possible. Then I got the hell out of there.”

Several women have come forward alleging sexual assault against Cosby, most recently former supermodel Janice Dickinson. Cosby has not yet been charged or convicted in any wrong-doing, although he has had several engagements cancelled by the media, including a planned Netflix stand-up special, and a new NBC comedy series.

Green Bay Packers Receivers Caught Using Battery Powered Gloves; Cobb, Nelson Face Lifetime Ban

Posted on November 16, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

National Football League commissioner Roger Goodell announced this morning that after an undercover investigation, significant evidence has been uncovered suggesting that Green Bay Packers wide receivers Randall Cobb and Jordy Nelson have used battery-powered, ‘performance enhancing’ gloves during games this season. “We have found proof of wrong-doing by at least two players, Nelson and Cobb. Both players are facing a lifetime ban from the NFL,” Goodell said.

The performance enhancing gloves, called BPG’s – short for ‘battery powered gloves’ – work by acting as a magnet when a leather football is thrown in a spiraling motion, creating a force of circular-bound energy, attracting the leather football toward the BPG’s and sticking to them, therefore giving the receiver an unfair advantage.

An inquiry was made by an anonymous source last month after a lopsided match against the Chicago Bears in late September. The source explained to NFL officials that they noticed that when a football was thrown to the receivers that they had difficulty pulling the football away from the gloves after the play, saying that they basically had to pry the ball away by putting a foot on the player’s chest and yanking it out of their hands. The NFL sent in a group of undercover agents who infiltrated the Packers locker room and gathered what they consider to be significant evidence.

Goodell went on to say that the NFL Board of Rules & Disciplinary Actions, which was just instated by the commissioner this football season, will meet and decide the fate of the Green Bay Packers and the players involved. “Obviously, wrong-doing has been discovered and it will be dealt with. It may be determined that the team will be banned from this season’s playoffs, and the players would most definitely be suspended indefinitely,” Goodell said.

Goodell will hold a news conference later this week in which he will explain in detail the wrong-doings which have been committed, as well as the actions which will be handed down for doing so.