Idaho Becomes First State To Make Having Babies Out Of Wedlock A Crime

Posted on October 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOISE, Idaho –

Idaho lawmakers have become the first in the nation to make having a baby out of wedlock a crime, punishable by fines and jail time.

According to state representative Richard Marques, the bill was passed after a 25-2 vote, wherein any couple who becomes pregnant and delivers their baby before they are legally married could face penalties of up to $20,000 per child. Couples with twins, triplets, or more would be subject to that fine per child. Subsequent offenses could also mean arrest and prosecution.

“We want people to have babies. No one is saying that couple should not have children,” said representative Marques. “But, we do want those couples to be married, too. To provide a stable, loving home for the child. Everyone knows that babies born to unwed couples are more likely to later become criminals, drug-dealers, and rapists. We are just trying to slow those numbers down.”

When asked about how this would effect the levels of abortions in the state, Marques said that he didn’t think it would change anything.

“The amount of whores out there having abortions will stay the same, and the amount of precious, beautiful women who want to have babies will stay the same. The difference now, is, that the latter will be married women, and the former will still be whores,” said Marques. “I know I’d rather my daughter be married than be a harlot.”

Marques continued, saying that the law would apply to anyone – including women who were raped.

“We can’t prove they were raped. No one can. Maybe they got knocked up at a party, and they cried rape later. Happens every day. In fact, that happens more than actual rape,” said Marques. “Now, the woman who wants to keep her ‘rape baby’ will just either have to marry her alleged rapist, or she will have to find some other man to marry quickly. It will all work out.”

Marques says the law goes into effect on January 1st. Women who are currently pregnant and due after that date, but who are currently unmarried, will have to be wed before the law goes into effect, or risk fines.

Drug Epidemic Hits Harder As ‘Diet Heroin’ Makes Its Way To Streets In U.S.

Posted on October 9, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUGUSTA, Maine –

You wouldn’t expect a place like quiet, rural Maine to be at the epicenter of a nationwide drug epidemic, but the capital city, Augusta, is experiencing a massive influx in O.D.s and hospitalizations as a new street drug, ‘diet heroin’ has hit the streets and become popular with the youth.

Diet heroin is almost identical in nature to regular heroin, an opiate, except that diet heroin will help to keep those pesky, drug-fueled pounds from forming around your mid-section.

“Frankly, I was scared to heroin, mostly because I didn’t want to get fat,” said Jennifer August, of Bangor, Maine. “My friends all started doing diet heroin, though, and none of them gained any weight. In fact, most lost a ton. Now I can party-hardy on the weekends, but not get fat, either. I’m pretty stoked.”

As popular films over the years, such as the sleeper film Trainspotting, glorified heroin use, teens across the country began using it in record numbers. Lately, as more and more doctors become flippant about their prescriptions, many adults also became hooked on heroin, after being prescribed pain killers such as Oxycontin. When those prescriptions would run out, the users turned to heroin – which is much cheaper and easier to obtain than Oxy on the streets.

“I was paying $20 a pill for Oxys, so basically I was having to sell my mouth to make the pain go away,” said Joe Goldsmith. “I switched to heroin when I realized how much cheaper it was. That worked, but I was kinda fat. Now I go with diet heroin. It’s a little pricer, but still, I don’t look so bloated. It’s great! I’m still in tons of pain and I’m throwing up a lot. I’ve been in the hospital 5 or 6 times, but hell. You have to do what you have to do to not feel the pain while keeping the weight off.”

Punk, Metal Legend Glenn Danzig Set To Replace Hugh Jackman as ‘Wolverine’

Posted on September 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Punk and metal legend Glenn Danzig, co-founder of Misfits and lead singer of the eponymous Danzig, has reportedly signed on the dotted line to take over for hulking actor Hugh Jackman in the role of Wolverine for the upcoming X-Men series of films.

“We are elated to have Mr. Danzig on board for the films,” said Marvel Studios CEO Harvey Dent. “I am, personally, a big fan of Danzig and The Misfits, as are many other people, and we know his built-in fanbase will come running to see him portray the Wolverine character. My favorite song is JuJu Bone. It’s just so catchy. No idea what it’s about, but hell, it’s just great.”

Hugh Jackman, who has played the Wolverine character almost a dozen times in the last 15 years, had decided last year to step down from the role, and was reportedly anxious to make way for Danzig to take over.

“I am so glad that they got Danzig to continue on with the character, and not some nobody like fuckin’ Tom Hardy or something,” said Jackman to Out Of Touch Magazine. “Danzig just looks like Wolverine. Like he’d ‘snikt snikt’ your fucking heart out, ya’ know? He’s even got the jacked build, naturally, to play Wolverine. I had to bulk up for fuckin’ months and let my hair grow, but not Danzig. I think he may have been born for the part.”

Danzig, who turned 60-years-old just this summer, is reportedly ‘raring to go’ for the role, which begins shooting in Atlanta in April, 2016.

“Well, I know one movie I won’t be seeing, and that’s any movie that has Danzig in it,” said current Misfits frontman and former bandmate Jerry Only. “Shame, too. Despite being a man of God, I am a huge fan of violent comic book films. I was looking forward to another film, but I guess that won’t be happening. Danzig won’t get a dime of my Misfits money!”

White Christian Teen Arrested For Wearing Shoes With Picture Of Clock To School

Posted on September 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

FRYEBURG, Maine –

A 13-year-old white student was arrested at a school in Fryeburg, Maine this morning for allegedly wearing shoes that had a picture of a clock on them. Police say that white kid Jacob Smith painted the shoes himself, and has a keen interest in clocks and art, and thought other kids would think they were “cool.”

“Jacob Smith was arrested after wearing inappropriate footwear to class,” said Fryeburg police chief Aaron Silver. “The school has a zero-tolerance policy for items that are, or appear to be, any sort of timepiece, as it is possible that it could be an explosive.”

The school board says that Smith, who is in the ninth grade at Fryeburg High School, is a straight-A student, and enjoys art, English, and hitting on girls during gym class.

“He’s a typical white kid who happens to be a tad bit smarter than the other kids in his class,” said teacher Jeanne Curtis. “Obviously the kid has a knack for footwear, but I’m sorry – clocks, whether they are drawn, bought, built, or whatever, have no place in my classroom. It was only right that I call the police.”

A 14-year-old student in Texas was arrested recently after bringing a clock to school that he had “built,” although authorities knew right off it wasn’t a bomb, and was a just a hoax device. In that case, it was obvious to police and investigators that the family designed the entire event to spur racist arguments in the media and to gain attention for the family, who are known media hounds. Sadly, the news outlets nationwide weren’t bright enough to figure out the sad, lame attempt, and fed right into it.

“This situation is different than that Muslim kid in Texas,” said Silver. “This is a white kid in Maine. The fact that he’s white, though, shouldn’t matter, because he should know better. Maybe he thought because he was white he could get away with it, I don’t know. Either way, h was arrested and charged with reckless artistic abandon and criminal threatening. Thank God he’s a Christian. Maybe he can pray his way out of trouble.”

According to Silver, if convicted, Jacob Smith could face up to 24 hours in the jail.

Feds Swarm Idaho Town After Discovering Baby Prostitution Ring

Posted on September 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WOOSTERVILLE, Idaho –

A small town in Idaho has been inundated with federal agents after it was discovered that several people in the town were running a prostitution ring made up of babies, with the youngest reportedly being only 6 days old.

“We received an anonymous tip that several newborns in Woosterville were selling themselves, by the hour, for the purpose of sexual intercourse,” said federal investigator Joe Goldsmith. “We began our investigation last month, and were able to gather enough evidence to arrest 6 babies.”

According to Goldsmith, the children arrested were all extremely young babies, and were fetching upwards of $5,000 per hour for sexual intercourse.

“It’s honestly one of the most disgusting crimes I’ve ever seen,” said Goldsmith. “We collected over $2 million in cash, as well as a stockpile of nearly 2,000 diapers, gallons of formula, and more. Apparently, these babies were providing strangers with not only a sexual outlet, but also with all the things necessary to make sure they were comfortable. These were not bottom-barrel baby prostitutes.”

Police say that there may be very little to hold the accused on, though, as they say that all the babies consented to the acts.

“Most of the babies, when asked if they would be okay with having sex for money, had nothing negative to say,” said Goldsmith. “We all know that not saying no automatically means yes, so for these babies in particular, there may be very little we can do to keep them off the streets and in their own cribs.”

Investigators say that each parent could face up to 180 days in prison for allowing their babies to be used for sex.

“Sadly, most of them have the solid argument about the baby not saying no,” said Goldsmith. “It’s a win for us for now, getting these babies out of the hands of the parents, but with good lawyers who know to ‘keep the laws off baby bodies,’ they’ll all have their kids back within the week, and God only knows what things will happen.”

Pope Francis To Throw Out First Pitch At Philadelphia Phillies Game

Posted on September 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania –

Pope Francis concludes his first trip to the United States on Sunday by visiting the town that he says has the “least hope” for its citizens getting into Heaven, Philadelphia. After a parade and speech before Congress in Washington, D.C., and a quick stop in New York City, The Pontiff will reportedly toss out the first pitch at a Phillies game against the Washington Nationals, before heading back to The Vatican on Sunday evening.

“Oh yes, his Holiness is a massive baseball fan,” said Vatican spokesperson Gregory Bishop. “He considers it the ‘holy game’ and he watches as many games as he can from his home.”

According to Bishop, Pope Francis has been “extremely excited” for his chance to throw the first pitch at the Phillies game.

“To be honest, the Pope is more of a Red Sox fan, but he wasn’t making it to Boston on this trip,” said Bishop. “Still, Pope Francis is very excited to throw the first pitch at the game on Sunday afternoon. Most people don’t know this, but the Pope used to be a hell of a pitcher back in his day in Argentina. Yes, before he was Pope Francis, good ol’ Jorge Mario Bergoglio was a force to be reckoned with on the mound.”

The game is scheduled for Sunday afternoon at 4pm. The Pontiff takes the mound at 3:55pm, where he will give a short speech before the game.

Man Who Breaks ‘Pay It Forward’ Chain At Starbucks Immediately Killed In Auto Wreck

Posted on September 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TOLEDO, Ohio –

Jacob Brunner, 36, of Toledo, was killed in an automobile accident immediately after pulling out of a Starbucks location in his hometown. Although tragic, the news would not normally go viral nationally, except that in this case, Brunner was the person who broke the “pay it forward” chain at the drive-thru window.

“We had 117 cars come through, and every single one of them ‘paid it forward’ by purchasing the coffee for the car behind them,” said Starbucks manager Kris Froth. “The first car of the day came through, paid for their coffee, and then paid for the person behind them as well, just as a kind gesture. When we informed that second car what happened, they offered to pay for the car behind them, and so on, all day. It went on for 8 hours like that, actually. Then Mr. Brunner came along.”

Froth says that when his employee, Jane Moyer, 19, told him that the person in front of him had paid for his coffee, and asked if he wanted to “pay it forward” by purchasing coffee for the next car, Brunner laughed.

“‘Fuck no, that’s retarded’ is what Mr. Brunner said when I told him about paying it forward,” said Moyer. “He said it was dumb, and it wasn’t paying forward anything, it was just paying a ‘little more or a little less’ for your own coffee, based upon the order of the person behind you, and that’s not how paying it forward worked. He took his free coffee and drove off. Then we heard the crash.”

According to police reports, Brunner pulled out of the Starbucks, located on North Rd., and when trying to cross into the turning lane, was struck by a semi-truck. He was killed instantly and reported deceased by a coroner at the scene.

“I guess it just goes to show you that you can never, ever break the chain,” said Froth. “Also, our Starbucks location has a sale on Grande coffees this week. Only $1.99, no coupon needed.”

Johnson & Johnson Plans To Raise Price of Tylenol To $500 Per Pill

Posted on September 27, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DELUTH, Mississippi –

After hedge-fund magnate Martin Shkreli announced that he would be raising the prices of Daraprim, a drug used to fight AIDS, from $13.50 to $750 per pill, several other companies decided to follow suit by drastically raising prices, including Johnson & Johnson, the trademark owners for the drug Tylenol.

“Frankly, a lot more people get headaches than have AIDS in this country,” said Johnson & Johnson spokesman Larry Myers. “If [Shkreli] is going to raise his prices on such a niche drug, and people will still have to buy it, then Tylenol is in an even better position to raise prices, as many, many more people use Tylenol on a regular basis than would ever use Daraprim.”

Myers says that the average cost of an individual Tylenol pill previously was about 17 cents, or about $8.99 for a bottle of 50 Tylenol pills. Tylenol PM, which is their number-one selling version of Tylenol, sold for about 27 cents previously, or about $13.99 for a bottle of 50.

“Tylenol PM, which many people in North America rely on to sleep easily at night, and wake up pain-free, will also be dramatically increased as well,” said Myers. “We expect to fetch around $800 per pill for the PM version of our flagship drug.”

Myers says that the price increase will not happen overnight, but that consumers should expect to see prices rising slowly over the next several months.

“If Shkreli can do it with Daraprim, then we can do it, too,” said Myers. “I sincerely hope that other drug companies realize that they should not be giving away their product so cheaply, and follow suit by bending customers over, and painfully raping them hard, right in their wallets. If only that monetary rape was a pain they needed Tylenol to get rid of, too.”

New Hampshire Becomes First State To Legalize Tattooing of Infants Following Russian Viral Trend

Posted on September 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CONCORD, New Hampshire –

After several viral videos and images hit the web of Russian babies being tattooed, state legislators in New Hampshire have agreed that the trend is a positive one, and have agreed to allow parents to begin having their babies inked in the Granite State.

“Parents have been modifying their babies for years, from circumcision to ear piercing, no one has ever said that we, as a culture, have ever had an issue with changing our baby’s appearance for our own benefit,” said New Hampshire state representative Mary Lambert. “I pierced my daughter’s ears when she was only 4 months old. Had tattooing her been legal then, I would have done that as well.”

Lambert says that although the state has agreed to allow parents to have their babies tattooed, it still must be done in a licensed, professional shop.

“There is already an epidemic of tattoo ‘scratchers’ who buy these cheap, Chinese tattoo machines on the internet, and obtain disguting, non-FDA approved ink and tattoo others from their home,” said Lambert. “This included, previously, people who were under 18 getting nasty, homemade tattoos on a regular basis. We feel this law will help to curb that behavior, as it allows anyone of any age to get tattoos as long as a parent signs a consent form.”

Several other states have reported that they are keeping a “close eye” on any issues encountered by New Hampshire as the state becomes the first in the nation to allow tattooing of anyone, of any age.

McDonald’s To Pay Child Support For Employees Instead Of Providing Raises

Posted on September 24, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

OAK BROOK, Illinois –

McDonald’s has been taking fire from underpaid employees for years, with workers demanding a raise to at least $15 per hour, the lowest wage they claim they are “worth.” McDonald’s, which has very few corporate-owned locations and mostly is run by franchisees, have constantly fought back, claiming rightfully that none of their employees are worth or deserve $15 for the menial, easy jobs that they perform.

In an announcement released by the company this morning, though, McDonald’s has agreed to help its massive workforce by paying a large percentage of each employee’s child support payments.

“It came to our attention that a lot of employees needed a wage increase solely to pay for their over abundance of children,” said McDonald’s CEO Ronald McDonald. “As opposed to increasing the hourly wage, which we fear would send more of our employees straight to the liquor store or to their dealer, we have decided instead to allocate funds directly to the state governments, which they, in turn, can divide amongst the families of our employees for their mandated child support payments.”

McDonald’s says that they plan on putting the new payouts into effect on January 1st. In the extremely likely case that both parents work at McDonald’s locations, the money that would go to the parent that has custody will instead be “held” by the company for the child until they have reached the age of 18.

“At that point in time, they can choose to accept the money for either a college education, or for other useful items, such as a car,” said McDonald. “They will never, ever be handed cash or a check, because as stated, we are highly aware that they would more than likely go to use it on drugs or alcohol, just as their minimum wage parents would.”