Kevin Durant Accused of Being Illuminati By Teammates

Posted on January 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

OKLAHOMA CITY, Oklahoma –

After a grueling loss to the Cleveland Cavaliers earlier in the week, the topic of conversation in the locker room of the Oklahoma City Thunder should be on the game. Instead, the only thing anyone is talking about is the high possibility of player Kevin Durant’s involvement with the Illuminati.

“There is definitely something up with that kid,” said head coach of the Thunder, Scott Brooks. “He used to be so incredibly nice. He was the most polite person ever. Once the Illuminati got their claws into him, though, things have turned around drastically. Kevin has the second most technical fouls in the league right now. I just don’t know what to do with him.”

The Illuminati was a secret society started in the late 1700s. At that point, it was designed to thwart government power and prejudices. Over time, though, the group changed, and they became less about stopping the powers-that-be from running the country and its people, and moved to become the group that ran the world.

“He’s making money. He’s not spending it. We haven’t seen him buy anything extravagant. He lives the life of a pauper outside of the stadium, and it’s frightening,” said a member of the team, speaking on the guise of anonymity. “The rest of us guys, we go out and blow money on whatever we want. I’ve got 16 cars in my garage. I’ve got mountains of girls in my bed. I’ve got it all, baby. Durant…man, Kevin…his money…He must be giving it all to those Illuminati peoples.”

Reportedly, Durant has been ostracized during pre-game warm ups and after game drills.

“They won’t help me out. They won’t pass me the ball in games. I can’t even get any of the guys to talk to me anymore. They think I’m some kind of freak,” said Durant, clearly frustrated with his team’s actions towards him. “I can honestly say that I am not in the Illuminati. I don’t even know who they are or what they’re about. Man, I’m 26 years old and I play pro ball. How much do you really think I know about the world? I only heard of the Illuminati the same way everyone else did – watching them movies with Tom Hanks.”

“Well of course he said he’s not Illuminati,” said Brooks, when told about what Durant said. “Did you really think he was going to admit it? All I’m saying is…there are signs.”

Durant could not be reached for further comment. A spokesperson for the NBA, who wishes to remain anonymous, did say that the NBA has their suspicions, but are not currently taking any action at this time.

Canadian Football League Announces Field Color, Length Changes

Posted on January 26, 2015 by Empire News

MONTREAL, Canada –

Football fans watching the Canadian Football League games starting in the 2016 season will see a few changes related to the field of play.

CFL officials are citing these changes as “improvements to the game,” and will start with a complete alteration to the size of the playing field – They will be introducing the world’s first and only metric football field. The customary 110-yard long field will change to 110-meters, which is actually just slightly over 120 yards, forcing the players to run the extra distance to score a touchdown.

Other alterations coming to the CFL include a change in the color of the grass from green to magenta, with the lines and markings on the field changing from white to brown. League officials claim the color changes will make the game easier to follow on live television, and will not interfere with various forms of color blindness.

“What a crock of shit these changes are,” said Roger Eh, a former player for the Toronto Toughs. “The changes have nothing to do with the fans. The league has been pissed off at players filing grievances during the off-season regarding the distance they run in an average game.”

CFL officials say that they will stick by their plan to make the game more fun for fans with vision problems, and explained it in a news release with the statement. “The Canadian Institute for the Blind has endorsed these enhancements, and fully support the CFL in leading the way in addressing these issues.”

Former Montreal Muffdivers running back Michael “Frenchy” Gravee agrees with the CFL union, saying the white-on-green combination has always been the recognized standard in the world of football.

“These horrible colors the league is trying to use do nothing more than ‘gay up’ the game. As for these distance changes, clearly the CFL does not want any more records set or broken,” Gravee said, as he currently holds a number of those distance records. “It is a sad day for football when you have to try to figure out where your 30-meter line is, and why the players are on their fourth down with centimeters to go. Who the hell knows anything about centimeters?”

There has not been a statement made by the union representing the CFL officials, although Gravee speculates that “The only blind ones on the field are the officials, and colors aren’t going to fix that.”

Former Patriots, Broncos Cornerback Marquice Cole Overdoses On Marijuana

Posted on January 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

Controversy arose today in Denver, Colorado, as free agent NFL Cornerback Marquice Cole, formerly of the Denver Broncos, became yet another documented case of overdose on the drug marijuana.

Marijuana, commonly known by the street name “weed,” was made legal in the state of Colorado in 2012 when Colorado Amendment 64 was passed through the state legislature. On January 1st, 2014, the first legal “weed shops” were opened to much controversy. Since then, several people throughout the state have overdosed from smoking large amounts of the drug, and there are at least 2 confirmed deaths in relation to smoking or eating marijuana.

Cole has stated that he was not a user before the law was passed, but as soon as it became legal and easy to get, it was all he was doing in his off time.

“It’s hard, when you’ve got as much money as us pro-athletes do, not to spend that cash somewhat…unwisely, at certain points,” Said Cole from his hospital room in Benchley Memorial Hospital, just outside Denver. “I bought cars and normal things, but as soon as weed became legal, and people were doing it all the time around me, I started spending my money there. It was crazy how much I was buying.”

Cole stated that a friend first offered him marijuana, and he instantly became hooked, a claim that most people who smoke weed have also reported. Cole says he started visiting multiple dispensaries throughout the day to buy as much as he could, purchasing the legal limit at each shop, as well as spending money on “how-to” books, and materials needed to grow in his own home. He claims that before he overdosed, he was smoking upwards of a pound or more in a day.

“It’s sad, really, that people think you can’t get ‘too high.’ That you can’t overdose. It can happen if you’re smoking enough,” Said Dr. Emmett Brown, who is specialist at Benchley Memorial dealing with drug addictions and overdose cases. “Usually we see cocaine or heroin abuse amongst athletes and celebrities, but there is no doubt that someday the puff-puff-pass could make you end up in the ER.”

“If I had it all to do over again, I would probably cut back a bit,” Says Cole, who is expected to recover from his overdose, albeit with several weeks of physical therapy. “This might have ruined my life. It might have ended my life. It certainly will be putting a huge damper on my career.”

So far, there has been no movement by the Colorado government to repeal the law, despite mounting pressures from activists and anti-marijuana crusaders throughout the state, as well as the rest of the country. Cole himself hopes that his ordeal will make people think twice before getting hooked on marijuana.

“I wish I’d never tried it, honestly,” said Cole in an impassioned speech to reporters and fans. “To any kids out there, just know, that no matter what they say, a drug is a drug – and it can ruin everything.”

As of this writing, no word on whether Cole will face any suspensions or penalties from the NFL.

Toddler Hospitalized With 2nd Degree Burns From Radiant Heat Flooring

Posted on January 26, 2015 by DesireeAmber

RIVERSIDE, Connecticut –

2-year-old Todd Calais has been admitted to Washington Valley Medical Center due to burns found on his legs and arms apparently caused by radiant heat flooring. The popular, and fairly inexpensive, home-heating system is commonly used in New England homes to keep people’s feet warm on cold winter mornings. With a temperature gauge that only reaches 90° it is baffling doctors that this was even possible.

Sgt. Carl Roderickson of the Riverside Police Department says a call came in around 6:13 PM on Sunday evening, when the mother of the 2-year-old, Elizabeth Calais, reported he had been badly burned by a portion of their floor. To the surprise of EMS officials, the young boy was attached to the floor when they arrived, his skin melting directly to the floor almost as though an epoxy was used to glue him down. Calais said she had been applying cool water and ice to ease the pain, however it took multiple people to move the boy into the ambulance.

“We ended up just cutting up a chunk of the flooring, and carrying both Todd and the floor that he was stuck to right out to the ambulance,” said paramedic Joe Goldsmith. “It was really abnormal, but thankfully out here you’re never too far from someone with a power-saw and a hankering to use it.”

Local police are investigating the incident, and have assure the media that Todd’s safety is top priority. Connecticut DHHS workers have been involved assessing the child’s condition, and so far have found no wrong-doing on the part of the parents.

“It’s the craziest thing. I didn’t know that something like this could happen, but it’s definitely something that I never want to have to deal with again,” said Goldsmith. “I have no idea how they got that floor so hot, but I tell ya, when I was in there, the rubber on the bottom of my shoes started melting if I stood in one spot too long.”

“Yeah, I guess we kind of overdid it with the whole floor heating thing,” said Calais. “My ex-husband, before he moved out, he tinkered with it a bit. He was a tinkerer, that’s for sure. Caught him tinkering with the neighbor’s wife, which is why he’s now an ex. But yeah, his feet got cold a lot, so he got it so that the floor temperature could be whatever we wanted. I guess I must have bumped the thermostat or something. The police said it was up at over 200° when they took the temperature.”

Todd Calais is reportedly doing fine, and the boards were easily removed from his skin once he arrived at the hospital.

Will Ferrell, Tina Fey To Star In Sequel To ‘The Notebook’

Posted on January 26, 2015 by DesireeAmber

HOLLYWOOD, California –

After years of anticipation, fans of Nicolas Sparks will be excited to hear the Notebook 2 novel will be released on Valentine’s Day of this year. Coming as no surprise to anyone, the no-doubt tear-jerker of a book already has a film deal inked in Hollywood, and New Line Cinema has announced they have signed actors Will Ferrell and actress Tina Fey to the project.

“We felt that these two marvelous, amazing, superb actors could use a more serious project to add to their colorful resumes, adding just a touch of romance into their portfolio,” said New Line CEO Hal Goldbrook. “We, too, had heard the rumors of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston being signed to this film, hoping to reunite the once power couple – at least on screen – but the signing of Ferrell and Fey is one to look forward to, we can promise you that.”

“I am elated to be starring in this movie. Both myself and Will look forward to a great time romancing each other over an entire summer while filming,” said Fey. “The book, which we got some advanced copies of, is a true Sparks’ masterpiece.” While the popular actress typically works in a comedic atmosphere, this romantic drama is sure to be outstanding, as a source close to the production tells Empire News that with the film’s script and production, it’s shaping up to be far better than the original.

“The story is set to begin with a couple who are in their early 30’s, the coming of adulthood, and indulging in their crazy relationship. It’s going to work really well with Tina and I, for sure. As actors, we can play anything, and pretending to be a young couple, I think it will be very believable. With scenes depicting their children, struggles, and everyday work and home life in the 1960’s,” said Ferrell. “It’s some really deep stuff. I’ve never seen the original, because I don’t really like movies, but from what I hear, it was pretty good. No doubt this will be better. Much better cast this time around.”

“The film is being made by the same Producer, Lynn Harris, and director Nick Cassavetes, to capture the same great chemistry created with the 2004 original release,” said Goldbrook. “The film will be filming this summer, and will hit theatres in time for next Valentine’s Day.”

Katy Perry Plans ‘Intentional’ Wardrobe Malfunction at Super Bowl Halftime Show

Posted on January 26, 2015 by davittslat

PHOENIX, Arizona –

During a break from her rehearsal for the upcoming Super Bowl halftime show, the Pepsi-pitching pop princess Katy Perry met with members of the media. Perry answered a variety of questions, involving her set list, possible hair color, and guest musicians. But it was her answers surrounding what she would be – or possibly not be – wearing during the performance that tantalized the masses.

“First of all, I’m Hyped For Halftime,” cited Perry, referencing her teasing Super Bowl promotional commercials. “While I won’t say what or who I’ll be wearing, you can plan on one thing. I’m gonna have my own wardrobe malfunction…but will it be a malfunction? It’ll put Janet Jackson to shame, and I can guarantee it will be more than just my belly button. I sure hope you’ll be watching.”

Twitter users ran rampant with speculation if Perry was planning on showing significant skin for the show, or if it was a veiled jab at Taylor Swift, whom Perry has been at odds with over singer John Mayer. More Twitter users ruminated if Perry would be incorporating some type of burlesque act during one of her songs, possibly during a performance of her first big hit, ‘I Kissed a Girl.’

Most comments made by males on social media were nearly unanimous in approval of the possibility of Perry losing part of her clothing, however, there was a faction of Twitter users condemning Perry for allowing herself to be objectified for entertainment sake. Members of various religious groups were quick to call blasphemy, and claimed Perry was “all that was wrong” with the moral fabric of America.

Religious and parents groups are reportedly asking the FCC to intervene and ban the halftime show as too risqué for the youth of America.

“The last thing our sons and daughters need to see is a possible, half-naked, purple-haired singer corrupting our values. We as a faith need to unite and stop her before millions are subjected,” said Abigail Waters, a representative of the Way of Our Most Holy Church in Alabama. “These children are tuning in to see a football game. A morally sound American tradition filled with camaraderie, anger, tackles, hard-hits, concussions, and falls, failures, cheating, and brain injuries. It should not be about sex or women when there is a sport being played.”

“I guess you’ll have to tune in on Sunday, but let’s say you’ll be seeing more of me than you thought,” giggled the Roar singer. She then winked, blew a kiss, and walked away.

Scientists Warn Blizzard Set To Hit Northeast Contains Radioactive Snow

Posted on January 26, 2015 by Abe Abrams

ISLIP, New York –

As if 20 inches of snow wasn’t enough to worry about, scientist at the Brookhaven National Lab warn that this deadly amount of snow will also be highly radioactive. Fallout from the Fukushima nuclear disaster of 2011 has finally reached the Northeast of America, and it’s coming in the form of heavy, wet snow set to cover most of the Eastern United States.

“We have been tracking the radiation since the disaster of the Fukushima meltdown in 2011, and to be honest, it could not have reached the country at a worse time,” said Chief Scientist Michael Baker. “This week’s blizzard, which is expected to dump 20 to 30 inches of snow, blanketing most of New England and New York, will contain dangerous amounts of radiation. I’m urging all residents affected by the storm to remain indoors. The snow will actually be most dangerous while it’s falling, so do not let the snow touch your skin. Do not shovel or let your children play in the snow. Do not let your pets out into the snow. The safest thing you can do is wait until the snow melts into the ground so the radiation can be absorbed by the earth.”

“I’m strongly recommending all residents to stay indoors while the snow is falling, and a New York state-wide curfew will take effect starting at 3pm, and will continue for the duration of the storm,” said New York Governor Mario Cuomo. “During that time, only police, fire services, and other essential personnel will be allowed on the streets. This is nothing to take lightly – this amount of snow, coupled with the severe radiation, is a life or death matter.”

“Radioactive snow? What am I supposed to do?” asked New Hampshire resident Lisa Jones. ”I’ve got 3 large dogs, and it’s going to take weeks for the snow to melt. I can’t have my dogs just popping a squat throughout the house. God, I’ve got to get the hell out of New England. This is a horror show.”

Colorado Rockies To Begin Selling Pot Brownies At Stadium During Upcoming Season

Posted on January 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DENVER, Colorado –

With marijuana legalization in effect in Colorado, and weed laws becoming lax in several other states throughout the country, major sports organizations say they are looking for ways to cash in on pot smokers who come to their games.

Sources are reporting that Major League Baseball’s Colorado Rockies plan to sell food items which contain marijuana at concession stands during games next season. The first item on the list? Pot Brownies, of course.

An official within the Rockies organization stated that the ball club has given the green-light to their concession company to begin sell marijuana brownies, cookies, cakes, and other pastries in the 2015 season.

High-ranking officials in the Rockies organization say they are thrilled at the new menu items, since they note that it will bring in tens of thousands of dollars per month.

“We are so thankful that the great people of Colorado voted in this measure to allow marijuana to be legalized throughout the state,” said Rockies spokesman Joe Goldsmith. “Now, fans of the Colorado Rockies can come to the game, enjoy a beer, a dog, and then a nice dessert that will ease them into the 7th inning stretch.”

The Rockies head office is hoping that the sale of marijuana pastries will also boost sales of other concession items, as they say there is “no better way” to enjoy a Colorado Rockies game than high, and with a good “case of the munchies.”

Pacquiao, Mayweather Take Jabs At Each Other Via Social Media

Posted on January 25, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

Two of the highest paid athletes in the world are all set to meet glove-to-glove in the ring. There have been rumors of this fight happening for several months, and after all the drama, the contracts, and the disappointments, fans can finally prepare themselves to see these two settle it in the ring.

The high-profile fight reportedly began to take shape last year, when friends of Floyd “Money” Mayweather began mercilessly teasing him, claiming that he would never take a fight with Pacquiao because he knew that he would lose. Apparently, Mayweather took this as a challenge, a blow to his ego that rattled his cage enough to agree to get in the ring.

“I’m not afraid of anyone,” says Mayweather via Facebook. “I will step in the ring with King Kong himself, and I’d whoop that monkey’s ass, too. They say money can’t buy you happiness, but I tell you what – I’ll feel extremely happy when I get the extreme amounts of cash from this fight purse. In no way, shape, or form will Manny be able to stand toe-to-toe with me.”

It appears that Mayweather has it in his head already that the fight is in the bag, and he should breeze though it as if it was just any punk off of the street. This may or may not be the case, but in Pacquiao’s eyes, the outcome of the fight will be completely different.

“I’m going to punch him in the face until he can’t get up,” said Pacquiao via Instagram, being as literal as possible in his description of the fight. “I will hit him with my left fist, then I will hit him with that same left fist. Then perhaps a right fist. Eventually, when he is down, I will laugh in his face. Wait and see. All his money, it won’t be able to save him in the ring. Well, maybe he can use a $100 bill to wipe away the blood and tears.”

“Blood and tears? That sonofa—. You know what I’ll use that $100 bill for?” Said Mayweather, in response via Twitter. “I’m going to use that $100 bill to buy a box of tissues, probably Kleenex brand, because they’re way softer than money for wiping away tears. Also, I’ll expect at least $97 in change from that $100, and I’ll put that back in the bank. Can’t be too careful in this economy.”

The full fight card has not yet been announced, but the pay-per-view planning stages are underway.

Gym Teacher Arrested for Assault After Knocking Out a Student in Dodgeball

Posted on January 25, 2015 by JP

TAYLOR, Pennsylvania –

A Pennsylvania gym teacher is in custody today, after witnesses claim he assaulted one of his students during his class. Mike O’Mally, 38, has been teaching at the school for over 10 years and has never had any previously reported conduct incidents.

According to police, the alleged assault took place during a morning gym class on Friday, but O’Mally is claiming that he didn’t mean to harm his student.

“I asked the kids what game they wanted to play, and they all agreed on dodgeball,” said O’Mally. “We began to play and the kids were having a blast, I was sitting on the sidelines at first, but then the kids started asking me to play so I decided to jump into the game. I started off playing slow and not really given much energy. Then one student began to get very cocky with me, and even started calling me names. I don’t usually lose my temper since I deal with kids all day, and I know I should have gone about this another way, but I lost control.”

Other pupils in the class say that O’Mally hit the student with the dodgeball directly in the face, causing him to fly backwards and knock his head against the wall. The nurse was called, but as school nurses are the least-trained medical staff there is, they immediately took the unnamed, injured student to a nearby hospital. He had 10 staples in his head and is suffering from a concussion.

“I do feel terrible, but I can’t take back what I did. I hope the kid will be okay and I’m sure he at least learned a lesson from this, in that it isn’t wise to run your mouth, especially to adults. Obviously that kid is having a really bad upbringing at home. But hey, on the bright side, hits to the face in dodgeball are an automatic out, so technically he got me out, and his team won the game!”

O’Mally’s lawyer, Bill S. Preston, Esq., says that he does not expect for his client to do any jail time. “He may have hit the boy with the ball in anger, but they were still playing a game, and it’s not really that uncommon for a gym teacher’s balls to end up in the face of a student anyway. We don’t expect he will serve any punishment for this crime.”