LeBron James’ 10-Year-Old Son Signed To Play Pro-Ball in Europe

Posted on January 5, 2015 by DvanL

RIGA, Latvia –

LeBron James Jr., 10, has been signed by the Latvian National Basketball Association to a 2-year exclusive contract beginning in June, when the young phenom begins his 5th grade summer vacation.

Latvian President Andris Bērziņš made the joint announcement via Skype during a Saturday afternoon international press conference, while Foreign Minister Edgars Rinkevics offered his comments via translator.

“We are very happy to welcome this young sports prodigy, LeBron James, Jr., into our sports family and to our country, where he will add cultural significance, honor, and international legitimacy to our basketball program.”

James, Jr.’s transition will be helped greatly by Jerry Jackson, former McCaksey High School basketball star from Lancaster PA, now enjoying his seventh season overseas. Said Jackson, “It will be good to have a young protégé to help train and develop. He’s got the raw talent and he looks good out there. I didn’t have that when I started, even though my teammates accepted me with open arms.”

James Jr. is already taller than 80% of the Latvian population, which will make him the recipient of instant attention when he does arrive in the Spring.

“Hopefully, he’ll get used to that,” said Jackson. “I know he’s been brought up to get along with people, but at his age, it’s a lot to handle.”

Latvia has its share of pre-teen groupies who flock to anything foreign. Everyone, it seems, wants to be American, or near anyone or anything that’s American.

“Gold diggers start earlier and earlier, you know,” said Jackson. “It’ll be my job to keep the pre-adolescent little shawties far away from little LeBron. He doesn’t need any of that when his mind should be on the game.” At the age of 10, James, Jr. will need careful guidance and attention, especially in light of his father’s US schedule keeping him away.

“I’m really excited to go to Latvia,” said James Jr. “They are paying me way more than my dad paid me for taking out the trash and doing all my other stupid chores. Plus they’re giving me a car! I guess over there you can drive even without a license, ’cause it’s like backwards over there or something? Anyway, I’m real excited!”

Until the spring, James, Jr. is expected to live his 5^th grade life just as any other 10-year old – as normally as can be expected that is, when your father is two-time NBA champ LeBron James, Sr.

Brother Of Osama bin Laden To Run For President Of The United States In 2016

Posted on January 5, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LOS ALTOS HILLS, California –

Shafig bin Laden, the 57-year-old half-brother of Osama bin Laden, who was born in Hawaii, has announced that he will be running for President of the United States in 2016.

The younger bin Laden, inspired by meeting George W. Bush back in 2001 when Bush told him he had a “strong personality,” says he knows it will be quite difficult to gain the trust of Americans because of name, but that he can be very persuasive.

“I truly believe the American people will learn to accept me and my ideas into their collective hearts,” bin Laden said in a statement released by the Associated Press. “Focus not on my last name, but on the individual that I am. I am nothing like my half-brother. I am an American, I believe in America, something he never accepted.”

The native of Hawaii, who carefully and cautiously refrained from saying his brother’s first name, went on to describe the relationship between the two saying that his “older brother” would pick on him as a teenager for being born in the United States.

“A lot of the hatred he had in his heart for America was because of me. It made him feel inferior and we never got along. He resented that I was from the great U.S. of A,” bin Laden said. “I am my own person, I have my own agenda for the greater good of this beautiful country. Open your hearts, open your guarded minds, please do not prevent the sun from its glorious shine.”

George W. Bush, who is a close personal friend of bin Laden’s, said that he hopes that America will see past the name, and look to the man himself.

“If America could handle me running the White House, then by golly how could they not handle bin Laden?” asked the former president. “He may not look American, but I can surely promise you he’s as proud of this country as anyone. Yes sir, he’s as American as shit on the hooves.”

Bin Laden, who expects a lot of negative feedback, says he will not give up on his quest and that if the people of the United States will not accept him in 2016, he will then seek a seat somewhere in the U.S. Government. “In America we say ‘Go Big or Go Home’, well this is my home, but I must go big anyway. If at first I do not succeed, then I will stand back up and try again and again. America is the land of second chances.”

Tom Cruise Critically Injured During Filming Of ‘Mission: Impossible 5’

Posted on January 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LONDON, England –

According to UK entertainment source MovieNews Weekly, Tom Cruise was critically injured during the filming of the fifth installment of the Mission: Impossible movie series in London late Saturday evening.

The 52-year-old actor, who insists on performing his own stunts, was shooting a scene in which his character, Ethan Hunt, tosses an exploding briefcase into the car of a would be assassin, but according to reports, the pyrotechnic-wired briefcase prematurely detonated just after leaving the actors hand. Those on the scene said it was a horrific sight, as Cruise’s groin area seemed to take the brunt of the blow.

“It was awful man. The thing didn’t go off when it was supposed to and the explosion caught us all off guard. Then I heard it. The screams, I will never forget his screams man,” co-star Ving Rhames said. “I immediately ran over to him, and at first I didn’t know what to do, so I just grabbed his crotch to stop the bleeding. It was just instinct, ya’ know? I looked down and I noticed he had his balls right there in his hand; they weren’t even attached anymore. God, I can’t even talk about it. I threw up everywhere. It was the most gruesome thing I have ever seen.”

Cruise was immediately transported to Royal London Hospital, where he underwent a five-hour surgery led by Dr. Frederick Carlton. According to Carlton, the surgery went very well, and the actor is recovering and is now in stable condition.

Cruise, who seems to always look on the bright side of things, said that even if they hadn’t been able to re-attach his missing penis and testicles, he’d still consider himself to be very lucky for being able to do what he does for a living.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that they put it back on, and from what they say, eventually it will look and perform just as it always did very soon,” said Cruise from his hospital bed. “Thankfully, my penis doesn’t play a huge role in Mission: Impossible, so I should be able to get back to work within the next week or two. But because I didn’t want to lose any confidence when it comes to performing and stunt work after this little mishap, I did have them replace my testicles with an even bigger set made from smooth, surgical-grade steel.”

Executives at Paramount Pictures, distribution company for Mission: Impossible 5 said that filming would continue without Cruise while he recovers, and that he is expected to return to work by mid-January.

76-Year Old Grandmother Arrested For Phone Hacking

Posted on January 4, 2015 by DvanL

PEORIA, Illinois –

Imagine Mavis Thompson’s surprise when on Christmas Eve, two uniformed police officers showed up on the mild-mannered grandmother’s doorstep with a warrant for her arrest.

“I thought the policemen had the wrong address,” said Thompson, “but there was my name right there and in big letters, and the paper said ARREST WARRANT.”

“We had to take her in,” said Officer Mark Macon. “We got several sworn complaints that she was making aggravated, inappropriate, and indecent phone calls which were recorded by other parties.”

Thompson suffers from chronic post nasal drip, accompanied by a persistent, hacking cough. “It’s bad,” she said. “I’ve had it for years and I call the drugstore for my new prescription. The police said that’s how it started. It was that neighbor lady’s daughter who was the ringleader. She’s into the gothic faith that kids are following now – devil worship it looks like to me, with all the black eye makeup.”

Indeed, upon further investigation, it was “that neighbor lady’s daughter,” ‘River O. Darkniss,’ née Louise Hicks, who had concocted a scheme where she and her goth friends filed several complaints, alleging Thompson had made repeated threatening and inappropriate phone calls to different local businesses.

“These kids were cruel,” said Officer Macon. They called up Mrs. Thompson and recorded her voice, and made a prank sound board. They added in her coughing sounds so we’d know it was her. Everybody knows she’s a hacker – I mean a cougher – but this was just plain mean.”

The re-edited sound mash-ups were convincing enough for authorities to seek Thompson’s arrest. The computer whiz kids managed to turn innocent conversation into highly inappropriate language by editing recorded conversations with Thompson.

“I really want something for my throat, *cough* and I don’t know when I’ll be able to get back down that way in town there to pick it up; can you do that for me please and get back to me?” was a mild enough question that the teens turned into dirty remarks.

“I really want something to get down in my throat, *cough* I want to get it down there, way back down in my throat, please *cough* really get it in way down in there, *cough cough* I want a pick up, can you do me please, do me, really do me back there, please do me way down back there *cough* in my *cough cough* throat.”

“Things like that were just very inappropriate from an older person,” said Macon, so we started to suspect foul play. “Once we found out what was going on, we released her and arrested the kids.”

“It was terrible, and I’m glad it’s over,” said Thompson. “I don’t use that drug store anymore even though they apologized, but I can’t show my face there. Forgive and forget, and I’m trying, but now I always watch what I say on the phone. I certainly don’t want to pull anymore boners like that.”

Historic Empire State Building Scheduled For Demolition; Americans Shocked, Outraged

Posted on January 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK, New York –

Mayor of New York City, Bill de Blasio, held a press conference this morning with news that stunned loyal residents of the great city and has left much of the rest of the country speechless, as he publicly announced that the iconic 103-story historic landmark Empire State Building would be demolished this summer.

“It is with great dissatisfaction that I stand before you today and give you news of unfortunate circumstances. Yesterday afternoon, our beloved Empire State Building was sold to a group of Saudi Arabian entrepreneurs who, in turn, made the unpopular decision to destroy one of the few great symbols of this wonderful country,” de Blasio announced.

The iconic Fifth Avenue skyscraper was sold to the Dallah-Alireza Group based out of Jeddah, Saudi Arabia, who purchased the Midtown Manhattan building for just over $700 million. CEO of DAG, Khalid Ahmed Al-Kazaz, then issued a statement that the group has made the necessary arrangements with the New York State Board of Historical Preservation, who granted the group the right to do anything they wish with the historic structure.

“We come to you today with bright ideas for a greater tomorrow. Our group has voted to demolish the Empire State Building in order to make way for a state-of-the-art shopping center, filled with wonderful stores including cigar and smoke shops, two Seven-Elevens, and a superb hookah bar. It is time for America to move forward and look to the great future,” Al-Kazaz said. “We are also pleased to share the news that many great stores will have bargains on brand name, knock-off clothing and apparel.”

New York residents, livid with the decision, have taken to the streets of Manhattan with protest. Many carrying signs of anti-smoke shop and convenience store sentiment, as well as catchy Pro-American quotes and phrases. “Let’s Take America Back” one outlandish sign read. Many Americans and New York residents have begun to share petitions via the internet.

The Empire State Building is scheduled for demolition on August 3, 2015.

Mother Finds Kilo Of Cocaine Stashed Inside Toddler’s Power Wheel

Posted on January 3, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

CHATTANOOGA, Tennessee –

A shocked mother of two called Chattanooga police earlier this week after she discovered a large bag containing a white powdery substance taped to the bottom of a ride-on Power Wheels Thomas the Tank Engine she had bought her 2-year-old son for Christmas.

After police tested the substance, it was officially determined to be cocaine – a whopping 2 pounds worth, or what is commonly referred to as a ‘kilo.’

Mary Ann Noe, 32, found the suspicious package taped on the underside of the battery-powered ride-on children’s toy after she turned it over to wash off oatmeal her 2-year-old son Kain had dumped on the kitchen floor and had been driving over.

“It scared me to death, I didn’t know what it was,” Noe told The Chattanooga Times. “It looked like a huge bag of cocaine, so I did like they do in the movies, and I stuck a knife in it, dipped my finger in, and tasted it like they do. Funny thing though, I don’t know what cocaine is even supposed to taste like, but my whole mouth went numb.”

Noe said she knew that the substance had to be something illegal, so she immediately called the police.

“When I called, a nice young officer came and took a sample of it himself and it numbed his mouth too. He then asked me for a baggie so that he could separate some of it to take to a lab. I gave him sandwich baggie and he filled it all the way up and put it in his pocket and took it with him,” Noe said. “He told me that the street value of the bag was probably close to $20,000 dollars.”

Chattanooga Police Department commissioner of Police, Albert Hughes Jr., said that somewhere along the way, that someone must have used the toy to transport the drug and it must have got mixed up with other packages. “It is really odd, usually in a case like this several other packages are used to smuggle the drug.No other parents have come forward saying they have found over two pounds of cocaine as of yet.

“The investigation is currently at a stand still,” Hughes said. “We are asking parents whose children may have recently acquired a Power Wheels Thomas the Tank Engine to check underneath for large bags of cocaine, and please report it immediately. Also, please try not to stick a knife in the bags and put any on your tongue.”

Georgia Legislature Passes Reparations Bill; Gov’t To Give $2,500 To Every Black Male

Posted on January 3, 2015 by Abe Abrams

ATLANTA, Georgia –

In a move to finally make some amends for slavery, the Georgia State Legislature has passed a reparations bill that will go into effect immediately. The bill, which met very little opposition, will give every black male resident of the state of Georgia a tax-free check for $2,500. The deadline to register for the checks will be April 1st, 2015, with checks set for a November mailing.

“I pushed for this bill to pass and I pushed hard,” said Governor Nathan Deal. ”My fellow Republican governors and I felt it was the time was right to say ‘I’m sorry’. Slavery was a dark time in our history, and no amount of money could ever truly make amends, but all we could afford was $2,500, and even that was pretty damn hard to get.”

“It wasn’t easy getting Obama to release the money from the federal reserve, so I don’t think other states will be able to pass their own bills, at least not soon,” said state representative Bill Jones. “Since it looks like it will only be Georgia, I encourage all black males to move to Georgia and set up residency by Jan. 15th, 2016 if you want your money. Georgia has a lot to offer; good schools, warm weather, and an international airport in case you would like to spend that $2,500 on tickets to Africa or Jamaica or whatever. However you spend the money is your business, but remember it’s only for Georgia residents, so move to Georgia and remember, ‘We’re sorry.'”

“Is Obama an idiot? The republicans hoodwinked him good here,” said Democratic Senator Elizabeth Warren. ”If all the African-Americans move to Georgia, who’s going to vote democrat in the other states? Obama just handed the electoral college to the republicans for 2016. Damn him. The least he could do was do it right and have the greedy corporations pay for it.”

Harvard Study Suggests Frequent Use Of Contact Lenses May Increase Cancer Risks

Posted on January 3, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts –

A recent medical science study conducted at prestigious Harvard University has revealed an alarming statistic. Those who wear contact lenses on a daily basis are fifteen-times more likely to develop various types of cancer.

The study, led by Harvard professor, Dr. Carmine Altmann, uncovered the shocking statistic during a five-year research program which correlated the use of materials cancer victims come into contact with on a daily basis in relation to the severity of their disease. Dr. Altmann says that the study, which is currently in its fourth year, has discovered that one personal item tends to stick out like a sore thumb – contact lenses.

“Unfortunately numbers do not lie. This is both a major cause for concern as well as a significant medical breakthrough,” Altmann said. “There are two types of contact lenses which the visually impaired use: soft contact lenses, which are made of soft, flexible plastics that allow oxygen to pass through to the cornea, and Rigid Gas Permeable contact lenses, which are made up of a more durable plastic and are resistant to deposit buildup, and generally give a clearer, crisper vision. It is my educated guess the culprit are the types of plastics used to manufacture the contact lenses.”

For several years, scientists and environmentalist have found plastic materials, which are used for just about everything, to be very questionable in their relations to both human health and the environment.

Environmental safety scientist Charles James Epperson says he is not surprised by the results which Altmann’s group discovered. “I’ve been saying for years that the human race relies too much on various types of plastics. Plastics disguise their toxicity very well and it takes years of exposure to find any kind of effect on the human body or environment. We need to focus more studies on alternative forms of durable, comfortable materials for product manufacturing.”

The study, which has continued as the new year begins, has also begun looking into plastics that may cause cancer in other parts of the body, including cheap hairpieces that cause scalp cancer, certain sneakers which could cause foot cancer, and the possibility of plastic shopping bags leading to finger and hand cancers.

Disney Plans To Kill Off Iconic Character Mickey Mouse After 86 Years As Mascot

Posted on January 2, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

BURBANK, California –

The Walt Disney Company announced earlier today during a press conference that Disney Films would release an animated feature film next Christmas titled ‘The Magical Life and Times of Mickey Mouse’, and Disney spokesperson Michael McDermott had a shocking surprise when discussing the plot of the film.

“The film is, in fact, what the title suggests – it’s about the wonderful and magical life of the great Mickey Mouse and the joy his has brought children and adults alike across the globe since his creation in 1928…until his death in 2015,” McDermott said, as members of the Associated Press shook their heads in disbelief.

“Yes, you heard me correctly,” McDermott stated. “The Walt Disney Company has made the ultimately tough decision when it comes to the fate of its superstar, its timeless hero if you will. In this day and glorious age, we feel it is important to teach children the vast importance of life, and to never take it for granted. This doesn’t mean the legacy will not continue, quite the contrary. It will only spark a tireless celebration of the wonderful life of Mickey Mouse.”

“The Walt Disney Company is about teaching both children and adults alike that the lives we lead are special and magical, but nobody lives forever,” said Disney CEO Don Iger. “It is the collective belief of this wonderful enterprise that in order to thoroughly enjoy something, to really cherish it, human beings need to be reminded that life is short. Live it the best you can, do the best you can by others, use your life to make a real difference.”

“I think this is ludicrous. We grew up having Mickey Mouse around, he made us smile and laugh as children with just the sight of him,” said Marion Calvert, 42, of Phoenix, Arizona “I have two children under the age of 12, and I will not take them to see this terrible film.”

Not everyone feels the same way as Mrs. Calvert, though. Glenn McDaniels, 51, of Salt Lake City, Utah, has a positive opinion regarding the shocking announcement.

“I think it is great. Of course it is sad, but it is important our children grow up knowing they are not invincible. In order for one’s life to truly mean something, they must know it doesn’t last forever. I get it. I will definitely take my grandchildren to see this movie,” McDaniels said. “I mean plus – he’s just a damn drawing.”

The company did not state whether there would continue to be Mickey characters in their theme parks across the world, and also refused to comment on the circumstances relating to the cause of Mickey’s death in the film.

“You’ll just have to wait and buy a ticket and find out for yourself,” said Iger. “The film will be released on Christmas day.”

Mike Tyson To Get Title Shot This February In Comeback Attempt

Posted on January 2, 2015 by Abe Abrams

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Actor, Author, ex-con, cartoon star, and former heavyweight champion of the world Mike Tyson is getting a comeback title shot next month at the ripe old age of 48. Current champ Wladimir Kitschko is putting his three title belts on the line to fight the aging Tyson in what will be sure to be a major pay-for-view event for fans, as well as a big payday for both fighters.

“I mean who the hell is Wladimir Kits…Kitsco…kitty cats, anyway?” asked Mike Tyson to a room of reporters trying desperately to stifle their laughs. ”I had to Google it, ’cause I had no idea who this chump champ was. Boxing needs me, ain’t nobody have to Google Mike Tyson. I’ve got the most recognizable face in sports, maybe the world, and that was even before the face tattoo. I still got it. Shit, I’m not even training for this one. Just watch. I’ll knock his ass down in one punch.”

Insider reports say that the fight could net Tyson a near $5 million payday, win or lose.

“Yeah, you know, I don’t even wanna fight that bad. It’s not that I can’t, I just don’t care. But I do care about that money, baby,” said Tyson. “I need to make it now, and not piss it all away like last time. That cartoon show money isn’t going to come rolling in forever.”

”My man Iron Mike is back, and the world of boxing has suffered in his absence,” said legendary boxing promoter Don King. “No one cares about boxing anymore, all you hear about is the mixed martial arts. It’s sad when two men hugging each other on a mat is more popular than boxing. That’s why me and Mike have come out of retirement. Don’t listen to Mike when he says it’s for the money – heck, after my 70% off the top he won’t have much left anyway. This fight, it’s about pride in the sport. Pride in America. It’s about showing age is just a number and you’re never to old to achieve your dreams. And yeah, okay, it’s about the money too.”