Los Angeles Holistic Medicine Clinic Says Coconut Oil Cures Cancer

Posted on November 3, 2014 by Chip

LOS ANGELES, California –

Holistic Henry’s Holistic Clinic is once again in the midst of controversy. Holistic Henry’s is run by Henry Rackman, who initially made waves in the medical community 2 years ago when he opened Henry’s House of Medicine, a pain clinic in Los Angeles that specialized in the dispensing of narcotic pain killers. The pain clinic was almost immediately raided by the DEA, and shut down for a laundry list of infractions.

Immediately upon Henry’s House of Medicine being shut down, Holistic Henry’s was opened. Rackman was convicted of dispensing pharmaceuticals without a license, but was given a suspended sentence.

Holistic Henry’s has recently been targeted by the media for taking advantage of chronically ill patients that are dying of cancer. It is estimated that Holistic Henry’s currently has at least 40 chronically ill patients. It has been confirmed that at least 9 of the clinics patients have passed away this month.

Treatments prescribed by Holistic Henry’s include frequent yoga, heavy applications of coconut oil, and ‘eating right’.

Amanda Rotberg, the daughter of one of the recently deceased patients, has spoken out against the clinic and said her father was taken advantage of. She said he had a hard time digesting the news from his doctor that even with continued treatment, he would most likely only have 2 years alive. She says that her father was not in a clear state of mind and, was desperately searching for something that would cure his cancer.

“My father thought he found what he was looking for at Holistic Henry’s, however what he actually found was a bunch of con-artists that convinced him rubbing excessive amounts of coconut oil on his tummy every night would cure his stomach cancer,” said Rotberg. “It’s sickening what they’re claiming, and they have no evidence to back it up whatsoever.”

“The worst part of the whole thing, is that insurance does not cover any treatment received at places like Holistic Henry’s, so my father paid out over $150,000 to the clinic. Exactly what is the overhead on coconut oil and yoga? I’ll tell you, it’s damn near nothing!”

A Holistic Henry’s representative was asked what services they offer to a patient suffering from cancer, and they said that it varies, but they have a basis of treatments that all patients should receive.

“We offer several modern treatments, but honestly, aside from heavy applications of coconut oil and frequent yoga, the best treatment for someone dying from cancer is to just be a good person.”

Casey Anthony Adopts 3-Year-Old Girl From Florida Foster Care Center

Posted on November 3, 2014 by Abe Abrams

ORLANDO, Florida –

Public court records reveal that Casey Anthony has adopted a 3-year-old girl from the Florida Foster Care and Adoption Agency. Casey Anthony is the infamous mother accused in the murder of her then 2-year-old daughter Caylee, in the 2011 trial that riveted the nation. Anthony and her lawyers were somehow able to overcome a mountain of evidence and, in a verdict that shocked the world, was found not guilty by a jury of people who must have been some of the stupidest people alive.

“I take my job seriously, and all applicants for adoption go through a rigorous screening process. I have to look at the facts, and the fact is, Casey was found not guilty in the murder of her natural-born daughter,” said Martha McDonald, the social worker in charge of the adoption. “The other fact is, we need to find homes for children in the foster care system. Casey filed all the paperwork properly, she has a home, a part-time job, and I think she just wants to have a normal life and have a family again. I wish their new family all the best, and I will probably check in with them from time to time, if I think of it, to make sure everything is okay – at least for the first month or two.”

Reporters found Anthony unboxing hammers for a display at the Home Depot, where she apparently works part-time as an associate. “Yup, it’s true. I’m going to be a mom again! I’m happy. Maggie, that’s my new daughter’s name, by the way, Maggie – she is happy. I just want to forget that whole former life and tragedy surrounding it, and move on. Maggie and I have a lot to look forward to. She’s excited about her new pre-school, we are having a pool installed, and I met a wonderful man. I just have to change his mind about not wanting children, though. Life is certainly looking up!”

Oregon’s Assisted Suicide Law Modified, No Longer Just For Terminally Ill

Posted on November 2, 2014 by Abe Abrams

SALEM, Oregon –

In a landmark case, the Oregon Supreme Court today decided in favor of Mandy Matthews, an 18-year-old high school cheerleader who sued for the right for an assisted suicide after being dumped by her long-term boyfriend. The court ruled that Oregon’s terminally ill clause was discriminative, and that any adult should have the right to choose when to die, not just the terminally ill.

”This is the happiest I’ve been since Billy dumped me to go out with the stupid slut Becky Beyer,” said Matthews. “I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m happy about winning the lawsuit, but my life is still over and not worth living without Billy. I was going to do it right away, you know kill myself, but we have a big game coming up this weekend and I’m the top of the pyramid so I don’t want to let the squad down. So me and my BFF Jill were texting during the court hearings, and we came up with December 2nd as the time for the suicide. That gives us time to plan a going away party for me, and as a plus it’s Billy’s birthday! How’s that for a present?! F— you, Billy!”

Even though the decision from the court just came out a few hours ago, the state has already received 68 online applications for assisted suicide. In the ‘reasons and explanations’ part of the application, 33 applicants responded ‘Divorce’, 15 responded ‘Depression’, 15 responded ‘I live in Oregon’, and 5 responded ‘that stupid slut Becky Beyer.’

U.S. Health Department Says Starbucks Coffee More Addicting Than Crack

Posted on November 2, 2014 by Chip

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah –

A recent study conducted by the US Health Department shows Starbucks coffee is more addicting than crack cocaine.

Derek Whistleton, a U.S. Health Department representative, sat down for an interview with the local D.C. newspaper Presidential Times, where he said that the Health Department gathered data for the study over the course of 26 months. “We really wanted to ensure we took the time to gather adequate and conclusive data, this was no fly-by-night operation.”

When asked what data was gathered and studied over the 26 month period, Whistleton replied “It’s simple, it can all be tracked by units consumed, and industry profits.”

“We used Salt Lake City, Utah as our test demographic and gathered all information used in the study from the patterns of Starbucks coffee and crack cocaine use by the citizens of Salt Lake City.”

When asked why they decided to base their entire study regarding the addictiveness of crack compared to coffee in a seemingly mild-mannered city such as Salt Lake City Whistler replied, “We wanted to ensure we had a completely random sample demographic so we decided to pick a city out of hat and drew Salt Lake City, Utah”

According to the study, the citizens of Salt Lake City consumed Starbucks coffee 99.99% more frequently than crack. “We were amazed at the results of our findings. The addictiveness of crack didn’t even hold a candle to that of Starbucks.”

According to the Salt Lake City Police Department’s records, crack is turning an estimated profit of $600,000 per year. Starbucks however is a billion dollar industry in Salt Lake City.

“Thousands of Salt Lake City housewives are spending upwards of $1300 a month on Starbucks coffee, and people just are not spending that much money on crack, period, case closed,” said Whistler. “We are actually wondering if it’s possible that Starbucks is actually putting a highly addictive substance, like crack, into their coffee in the first place. I mean, people aren’t drinking Starbucks coffee because it tastes good, that’s for sure. It was also explain the exorbitant prices they charge.”

The surprising part of this study, according to Whistler, was that Starbucks addiction is universal amongst all social classes. “We even asked a homeless man in downtown Salt Lake City if he wanted some crack and he grinned, raised his Starbucks cup in the air, and said ‘I’ve got my crack right here.’”

Washington Redskins Announce They Will Change Team Logo To Potato

Posted on October 31, 2014 by Chip

ASHBURN, Virginia –

An announcement has been made on behalf of NFL team The Washington Redskins that they will be changing their team logo to a redskin potato. A spokesperson on behalf of the team say fans can expect the change to be in effect in time for the 2015 season.

When asked what prompted the change in logo, the spokesperson responded by saying “We are sick of dealing with the controversy around our name, and feel that it’s time to do something about it. We haven’t made it to the Super Bowl in 22 years because we are so worried about our name and logo that we can’t even begin to focus on practicing and getting better as an organization.”

The logo change should not be a surprise to any team fans, as it has been causing controversy for as long as anyone can remember. The Redskins spokesperson said “If we’re all being honest here, nobody within the organization cares about the name or logo of the team, we just inherited it. We don’t draft Native Americans to play on the team, hell I don’t even think we allow them to try out.”

When asked why the team decided to change the logo vs actually changing the name of the team, the spokesperson responded with “It’s simple, really. Price has everything to do with it – a logo change is far less expensive than a complete overhaul of the name. We lost the trademark, but we think that with a change like this, we can get that decision changes, and get back to what’s really important here – making money off of our franchise.”

The spokesperson concluded this morning’s press release by saying “We’re proud to make this change, and we feel that it’s progressive and we’re excited to once and for all shed this insensitive logo.”

In a surprising twist, it was discovered during the unveil of the new logo that the teams new redskin potato mascot appears to be wearing a tiny Indian headdress.

Many people are objecting to the team’s new logo and say that new logo is far more offensive than the previous logo.

One fan has said “I had no issue with the original logo, but now it feels like they are being sneaky. It’s as if they think we are dumb and they are trying to pull one over on us. Next we know, they’ll probably sell us Redskins jerseys with smallpox on them, or something. Sneaky, sneaky.”

The team spokesman says they are excited to star playing under a ‘new banner,’ and that they hope fans will accept the change.

NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio Bans Smoking On City Streets

Posted on October 31, 2014 by Abe Abrams

NEW YORK, New York –

At a press conference earlier today, NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio announced that he would be banning smoking in public areas, including city streets.

”Let me read you the definition of litter,” said de Blasio. “Litter consists of waste products that have been disposed improperly, without consent, at an inappropriate location. Ladies and gentlemen it is with that definition I am banning cigarette, cigar, and pipe smoking on city streets in all five boroughs. Second hand smoke is litter, make no mistake. If I could declare cigarettes illegal I would but I can take steps to make sure no one on city streets has to see or breathe in their poisonous fumes.”

James Jenson, Philip Morris spokesman commented on the new ban, saying ”I don’t have much to say at this time, we were only just giving a copy of the press release and our legal team is just now looking it over. What I can say is that Philip Morris is this nation’s leading manufacturer of cigarettes, and we go to great lengths putting people’s health before profit. We will continue to make the very best cigarettes and we will continue to fight for a persons right to enjoy a smoke wherever they are.”

”It’s getting ridiculous, first Bloomberg tells us we can’t drink big gulps and now this new idiot is telling me I can’t have a smoke on the street,” said avid smoker Carmine Classi of Brooklyn. “I can’t smoke at work, the wife won’t let me smoke in the house, I’m getting treated like a second class citizen.”

“Smoking kills more people each year than all other illegal drugs combined, and cigarettes are a drug peddled by corporations, for what? For profit, that’s what,” said de Blasio. “They are selling death for profit. As of November 1st, the smoking ban will go into effect in New York. Initially, there will be a fine of $50 dollars for the first offense, and a $100 dollar fine for all offenses after that. All proceeds from the fines will go directly to rebuilding inner city parks and playgrounds.”

Scientific Study Proves O.J. Simpson Is Greatest Athlete of All Time

Posted on October 30, 2014 by Chip

DELUTH, Minnesota –

A scientific study conducted at Martinvale University has been released today naming O.J Simpson the greatest athlete of all time. Martinvale representative Daniel Carson sat down with a correspondent from CNN this afternoon to discuss the study in further detail, starting off by addressing the shock and controversy the study has already received.

“Look, I know this isn’t going to be a popular discovery, but like it or not, The Juice is the greatest athlete we have ever seen, and will probably ever see.”

Carson proceeded to give a breakdown of the study. “O.J was a monster on and off the field, I mean the guy rushed for over 2,000 yards in a 14 game season, and played in 6 Pro Bowls. He is such a beast he was able to rush for over 200 yards in 6 different games throughout his amazing career.”

After continuing to spend a brief period quoting O.J Simpson’s NFL stats that anyone could easily find on Wikipedia, Carson took an odd and controversial turn in the conversation

“The fact of the matter is that The Juice has it all. Today we have athletes like Ray Rice that aren’t even able to get away with simple domestic violence. A civil court found that O.J straight murdered two people like a savage, and he never saw a day behind bars for it.”

Carson tells CNN that it’s these ‘pure animal instincts’ and smarts that allowed O.J to get away with murder both on and off the field. “Greatest Athlete is not a title handed down purely for brute strength or game statistics, it’s having the brain to think on your feet and tie it all together.”

The study also makes reference to O.J’s acting career and states his performance in Roots and The Naked Gun can only be described as brilliant. The claim was made within the study that “it’s those charismatic and sharp instincts within O.J’s genes that allowed him to excel as an actor that contributed to him being a phenomenal athlete. There really is a huge and overlooked crossover between the skills that make one a great actor and a great athlete.”

Though the results of the study are understandably widely disputed, Carson wrapped up his interview with CNN by saying “If O.J were to suit up today at age 67, he’d be the best player in the NFL, and if he so chose he could be the best player in the NBA, NHL, or MLB. That’s an indisputable fact.”

Confused Teen Burns Down House After Trying ‘Smoky Eye’ Makeup Effect

Posted on October 30, 2014 by DvanL

BATAVIA, Illinois –

A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. 13-year-old Bobbie Vicha finally reached that magical age – the age when her mother told her she could start wearing makeup.

The eve of Bobbie’s 13^th birthday was like Christmas Eve in the Vicha household. “She saved her allowance for months to buy some makeup,” said her mother Barbara, speaking from a downtown Batavia Red Cross emergency shelter.

Brought up to be environmentally responsible, Bobbie researched which cosmetics were animal friendly, and which ones contained harmful chemicals, which she wanted to avoid.

Returning from the nearby Yorktown Center mall, Bobbie sprinted upstairs to begin the transformation process. “We almost got a speeding ticket on the way back from Yorktown,” said Barbara. “She was so excited to get home, and I was so excited for her. We talked about different looks and eye shadows, and she really wanted to do the ‘smoky eye’ look that all the celebrities use.”

What Barbara didn’t know was that Bobbie’s attempt at authenticity would involve actual smoke – from potpourri the teen used to naturally scent her room. Bobbie burned some of the natural plant material and used the ash to create the ‘smoke’ look. “I didn’t know she was going to use any fire or matches,” said her mother.

The excitement apparently clouded Bobbie’s judgment. While studying online makeup tutorials in the opposite corner of her bedroom, a smoldering ember of potpourri apparently ignited the youngster’s frilly curtains.

“When I turned around,” said the sobbing teen, “the whole room was on fire. It happened so fast and all I could do was scream and run downstairs.”

Bobbie alerted her mother that the house was on fire, grabbed her pet cat Chloe and the wireless kitchen phone. “It was a cheap phone,” said Barbara, “and it was out of range when we got to the front yard. The fire spread so quick – the whole house went up just like that!” Fire officials arrived after a neighbor phoned in the emergency.

Medical personnel initially thought Bobbie had been badly burned, as only one eye had been made up to look ‘smoky,’ while the other eye was badly smeared. Bobbie explained to fire officials what had happened, and that no mystery or foul play was involved.

“I appreciate her honesty,” said Barbara “She fessed up, and it was an accident. The home was fully covered by fire insurance. She feels bad enough already.”

When asked if the teen would be allowed to concoct her own makeup in the future, her mother replied, “Screw that – I’m buying her some Maybelline!”

New Federal Law Makes It Illegal To Wear Racist, ‘Insensitive’ Halloween Costumes

Posted on October 30, 2014 by Chip

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

It has just been announced that a new law will be enforced this Halloween outlawing any Halloween costume that could be viewed as racist or ‘insensitive.’ The law is being passed down from the federal government and is estimated to effect over a million United States citizens come October 31^st.

It is unclear what has prompted this last-minute regulation to be implemented, however experts speculate that the thousands of white guys that have vocalized their plan to use “black face” to imitate Ray Rice this Halloween probably have something to do with it.

One expert said, “Over the last 5 years, the media’s obsession with racy, obscene, or insensitive Halloween costumes has reached an all-time high, and I think the government felt it was finally time to jump in and regulate the situation, I personally think the law is brilliant and I welcome it with open arms. They are just in the nick of time before Halloween this year. I’m glad they didn’t hold out until next Halloween. This is definitely an issue that needed to be nipped in the bud.”

In this morning’s press conference from the White House, it was announced that the federal government will be working closely with local law enforcement everywhere to ensure 100% compliance of the new regulation. It has been reported that local police will be “dropping by” all costume parties to ensure that everyone’s having a blast while wearing appropriate attire. It has been made very clear that no warnings will be issued; anybody out of code will be spending the night on the cold floor of their local jail and could be facing fines of upwards of $950.

Though a full list of approved costumes has not been released, the law clearly outlines, if you are Caucasian you are not to dress in any way that imitates or pokes fun at Blacks, Indians (of any kind), Mexicans, Gypsies, or Asians. It is unclear if rich white folks can dress as ‘Poor White Trash.’ The law also states that African-American citizens will be permitted to dress as President Obama, however caucasian citizens cannot. It was said, though, that anyone of any race or ethnicity will be permitted to dress in costumes that poke fun at previous presidents Bush and Clinton.

Those that oppose the new law say that it seems to be discriminatory and directed only to the Caucasian population, as there are not clearly outlined regulations on what any other ethnicities are required to avoid.

A government spokesperson responded to the allegation by chuckling and saying “Oh man, people will complain about anything!”

Those hoping that the new seemingly heavy-handed regulation will be discarded by next year are in for a disappointment, as it’s been said an even stricter law is being drafted and should be passed by Halloween 2015.

Trojan Creates New ‘Juniors’ Condom Line For Pre-Teen Market

Posted on October 29, 2014 by Abe Abrams

PRINCETON, New Jersey –

Trojan Condoms announced a new, smaller sized condom yesterday, one they say they are specifically marketing to sexually active pre-teens. The company says they are trying to acknowledge the fact that kids are slipping it in each other at younger and younger ages, and wants everyone to be protected.

“It’s a sign of the world we live in today, children younger and younger are having sex and they have the same risk as adults of contracting STDs and unwanted pregnancies,” said CEO Bill Blass. “We at Trojan see this as a huge potential market, so today we announce our new line of ‘Trojan Juniors.’ These condoms will live up to the same strict quality assurances as our adult condoms, but will be sized to fit young men in the 7 to 12-year-old range. Plus, each box will have cartoon illustrations showing the correct way to wear, and use, our Trojan Juniors.”

“It’s about time!” Said Planned Parenthood spokesperson Lisa Levin. “This has been a big need for ages. The number of pre-teen pregnancies is going through the roof, as evident by MTV’s new hit show 12 and Pregnant. We at the Planned Parenthood organization will make sure that Trojan Juniors are made readily available at all elementary and middle schools that we can as soon as possible.”

Aside from children, Blass says that Trojan Juniors will be beneficial to ‘smaller’ men, who never had a place to turn when it came to proper fit and size. Larry Lynn, President of the Wee Man Club of Houston, said “I look forward to trying Trojan Juniors, personally. I just pre-ordered a dozen of the ribbed ones. It will be nice to have a condom that doesn’t fall off during sex, because I can assure you, not everything is bigger in Texas.”

“Down the line, the brand may feature licensed characters and celebrities including Spongebob Squarepants and Justin Bieber on the condoms themselves,” said Blass. “We’ve really got a good feeling about the future of this new product, and we’re really looking forward to it all coming together.”

Not to be outdone by a competing brand, Durex announced early this morning a new line of smaller condoms as well, conveniently named Durex Minis. Both brands expect to have their new products to market by December.