Poultry Farmer Accidentally Tarred And Feathered By Road Crew

Posted on October 19, 2014 by DvanL

HUNTINGTON, New York –

Centuries ago, the practice of tarring and feathering was used to publicly humiliate lawbreakers and petty criminals. Hot tar was poured onto the wrongdoer, followed by a generous application of feathers. It was a form of public shaming used to set an example.

Last week in upstate New York, a series of unfortunate incidents led to a modern-day instance of the long-discontinued practice.

Hollis McCloud, 46, has quietly made a successful business for himself, supplying a growing market with fresh, free-range poultry. “We call them ‘run-around’ chickens,” said McCloud. “More and more folks want them. Too many chemicals in the supermarket ones. We call them ‘foul fowl.’ That’s a little chicken joke we say up here all the time,” he explained.

McCloud’s delivery truck was filled to capacity with fresh hens, when he noticed a road repair crew along Cuba Hill Road, his regular route. “I saw they had the cones out, but I figured I’d drive off the road and around. I’ve done it before. All those big asphalt trucks and steam rollers blocked everything. They flagged me down and told me to turn around, but that would have made me waste an hour and a half!”

“He argued with us for a long time,” said construction supervisor Ted Graham. “His truck was driving pretty low to the ground to start with, and the grass was pretty uneven off the road, but he wouldn’t back down, so we finally told him he could try driving around but we wouldn’t be responsible.”

“So I drive around to the grass,” explained McCloud, “and one of my wheels gets stuck in a hole. I’m leaning way, way over to one side so I jump out to push the crates back up straight and that’s when the tie-down snaps and the crates fall off. Some of the chickens got out.”

McCloud chased the clucking runaways through the grass and unfortunately, back up to the freshly tarred road.

“Well my foot gets stuck,” McCloud continued. “The chickens get stuck, I fall down face first and the chickens run up to me all concerned ‘cause they think I’m their mother, I guess. I don’t know. More and more of them follow each other. It was a damn mess.”

The construction crew halted their work and did the best they could to assist the now asphalt and feather-covered chicken man.

“I tried not to laugh,” said Graham, “but it was like a movie. We tried pulling some of the chickens off of him, we got chicken feathers stuck on our gloves, we got some feathers stuck in the road, one of my crew almost got pecked in the eye, but we had to help the guy.”

The crew was able to tow McCloud’s truck back onto the road, as well as help to recover most of the chickens. “I got back on the road but had a lot of explaining to do when I was making my deliveries. I could tell some of my customers were just waiting till I drove off to bust out laughing, so I didn’t make a lot of small talk. I tried to keep my head held high, but that’s hard to do when you’ve got tar and chicken feathers all stuck to your face. I tried to keep some self-esteem, but it wasn’t easy.”

“Next time I see a traffic cone,” said McCloud, “I’m flyin’ in the other direction.”

Man Dies In Haunted House, Mistaken For Prop For Almost 2 Weeks

Posted on October 18, 2014 by DvanL

WAUKEGAN, Illinois –

Halloween in Waukegan, Illinois is anticipated by the entire town, as every October for the past 8 years, the Graham family has unveiled their haunted house to the neighborhood, with the event drawing thousands of visitors throughout the season.

The event became so popular that for the third year in a row, local police had to set up barricades to keep both automobile and pedestrian traffic moving along at an orderly pace, and the Graham’s started pre-selling tickets to the event to keep track of visitors.

“That’s how we noticed something was off,” said Hank Graham, owner of the Wicked Waukegan Haunted House. “The tickets came up one short when we counted out the receipts at the end of the day. That was the first or second night of the attraction, at the beginning of this month.”

The mystery of the incorrect ticket count was solved late last week when a 6-year-old visitor told his parents he was very frightened of the “old, dead stinky man” on the second level. “I heard the little boy say that,” said Hank, “and I thought – ‘Oh great!’ If kids are getting a scare, well, that’s the whole fun of it. Every year we add new props – we have mummies, skeletons, and mannequins, plus the ol’ peeled grapes as eyeballs in a bowl, strobe lights, fog machines – crowd favorites, I guess you’d call them. Unfortunately, it was not one of our props that had scared the boy.”

That same evening, 31-year-old Susan Johnston, screamed in terror as her children, who she was accompanying through the haunt, accidentally bumped into what they thought was a prop dummy, and discovered it to be an actual dead body.

“I told them to be careful as we went through, but my little Grace, I think she touched him and it knocked him over, and his arm literally ripped right off his body! Blood and other bodily fluids got all over Grace’s jacket and in her hair, and my son Ricky got some sort of slime all over his hand. They were both terrified. It smelled so bad when we first walked in, but we thought it was all just part of the attraction. Both of my children vomited right there on the floor.”

According to police, a 71-year-old man, whose identity has not been released pending notification to the family, had leaned up against a corner of the building after climbing the stairs to the second floor, and had apparently passed away. “We don’t yet know whether he had a heart attack or an existing illness that may have caused his death,” said Officer Allison Garfield, who had been on the scene to direct traffic. “It was mayhem after he was discovered, though. People ran from the building screaming, but not in a good, fun way as you’d expect at a place like this.”

“To think that someone could live all alone in this world in a way that no one would notice you gone for multiple weeks, and he made a trip here all by himself to have some fun…We didn’t notice him ourselves – it’s just awful,” Said Lynn Graham. “We have so many props up there I guess I thought Hank put him up there, and he thought I did.”

The local health department shut down the Halloween exhibit, but authorities did not file charges against the Graham family. “It was just an unfortunate accident,” said Officer Garfield. “These are just some wonderful people who open their home every year for people to have some fun, and this just put a shadow over the whole thing.”

The Grahams have closed their attraction for the remainder of the season, but said they do plan to re-open the haunt next year.

2014 Federal Tax Refunds To Be Delayed, Payments Won’t Arrive Until October 2015

Posted on October 18, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The deadline for filing your 2014 federal tax return has been April 15th for decades, with the last person who is owed a refund getting their payment usually by the end of May. This year, though, even with the advent of the internet and phone-filing systems, people who file early and folks who wait until the final deadline, are looking to have their refunds held back several months, with payouts not expected to happen until October of 2015.

The news of the major change was first broken by website National Report, who says that the Obama administration is purposely holding owed refunds to help save the government money. According to Report, the Federal Government returns around $350 billion dollars of what it has collected from taxes throughout the year, and withholding the payouts until October will allow the government to gain an additional $30 billion in interest and additional borrowing costs.

The change is not universal, though. The new rebate delay is only set to affect those who have filled under an individual status, meaning large corporations and businesses will still be eligible to receive any refunds owed almost immediately, while the rest of us wait.

“Your money is still coming, and we will not be holding back an extra cent,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest. “Pulling back payments until the end of 2015 will help increase government earnings. This is merely a new structure to a system that has been in place for generations. Sometimes, change is inevitable.”

As many Americans rely every year on their tax returns, planning vacations, expensive purchases, and some even wisely putting it in savings or using it to pay rent or bills, this push could cause some headaches for those people who live paycheck-to-paycheck.

“It’s just awful, seriously awful,” said Marie Jordan, a mother of 5 young children in Jamaica Plain, Massachusetts. “I was going to use my refund to hire a babysitter and take a 2-week cruise vacation to the Bahamas in March, all by myself. Maybe find a nice Cabana boy to take back to my stateroom. Apparently that’s not happening, now. I hate our government in times like this.”

Many taxpayers echoed Jordan’s feelings, saying that they need their money sooner rather than later.

“This is going to really kill my February,” said taxpayer Joe Goldsmith, a recently divorced bachelor in Missouri. “I work a crappy retail job, and barely can make ends meet on my weekly paycheck, so I was planning on doing an early file, and getting my money back by February. Even though my bitch ex-wife said I should save it for alimony, I was going to use it to buy a big screen TV and throw a Super Bowl bash for myself and some friends. I guess I will just watch the game alone on my 27″ tube TV instead. Thanks, Obama.”

According to Earnest, the deadline for filing your Federal Income Tax Returns will remain April 15th, with checks and direct deposits being made starting October 15, 2015.

NASCAR Driver Falls Asleep at Wheel, 22 Injured

Posted on October 18, 2014 by JP

DAYTONA BEACH, Florida –

During a NASCAR race in Daytona on Friday afternoon, 22 people were injured after new driver Mark Hardy fell asleep and crashed during a straightaway. Reports say the people who were injured consisted mostly of employees of the track.

Hardy walked away with no serious injuries, but says the situation is bitter-sweet.

“I am happy to be alive, of course but I feel terrible that others got hurt,” said Hardy. “It’s also hard, because I was in second place. I could have won the whole thing if I had just gotten some sleep the night before.”

Hardy says the crash was caused because he fell asleep at the wheel. He claimed that he didn’t sleep well because he was too nervous and excited about his first ‘big’ race, and that after driving left in a circle for so many miles during the race, it was a wonder he even stayed awake as long as he did.

“Anyone who is driving that long, going nowhere, you could tend to get drowsy,” said Hardy. “Think of it from a fan’s perspective. If you’re watching at home, there’s no way you’re not taking a nap midway through the event, right? It’s not any different for a driver.”

Strangely enough, it appears from video reviewed after the accident that Hardy was asleep for two laps before crashing.

“I remember my eyes getting really heavy, and then nothing for a bit, but I could still hear the noise of the other racers whizzing past me. I must have been driving on auto-pilot, basically. I remember being almost startled awake, and when I jumped, my leg hit the steering wheel and launched me off the track,” said Hardy.

According to hospital reports, all 22 people were, amazingly, treated and released, suffering minor injuries, with the biggest being a broken wrist. Hardy will be fined for racing in a state that NASCAR ‘unfit’ for driving.

‘Price Is Right’ Superfan Drowns In Hot Tub He Received As Prize

Posted on October 17, 2014 by DvanL

VENTURA, California –

Ted Bosworth was a dedicated husband, father, and self-described ‘ultimate superfan’ of The Price Is Right, the iconic daytime game show known for its legion of enthusiastic fans.

Bosworth attended so many tapings of the show, that audience coordinators knew him by name. He was at Bob Barker’s final show in 2007, and just last year, the ultimate superfan’s dream came true – he was selected to “come on down!” and become one of 4 lucky audience members to join ‘Contestant’s Row.’

Bosworth had dreamed of this moment for years. “He loved the show ever since we were kids,” said Bosworth’s younger brother, Al. “It’s like he was always preparing for it. Life’s just not fair sometimes,” said Al, “I mean what happened to him. Life’s just not fair.”

Ted bid on the first prize of the day, a state-of-the-art hot tub, and was indeed, the contestant who came closest to the ‘actual retail price without going over.’ “That was no surprise,” said Al. “We watched the show so many times, he always came closest when we watched at home. He bid, and he won.”

“After he won,” continued Al, “it was like watching a kid waiting for Christmas. It took a few weeks for the tub to be delivered, so he got the space all ready in the backyard, fixing it up and getting the plumbing done. When they came to install it, we almost had to tie him down. Deb [Ted’s wife] told me he didn’t sleep the whole night before.”

“We were planning a big party for the ‘Christening.’ That’s what we called it – people were coming over for the first hot tub party that night,” said Al. We were all out getting food and drinks and Ted stayed home testing it out, and that’s when the accident happened.”

The “accident” Al refers to was an all-too-common household mishap – slipping and falling in the tub. “We got back home and I knew something was wrong. The house was too quiet. I went back out to the patio and that’s when I found him. He must have slipped and hit his head and went under. We called 911, but I knew it was too late even when I was pulling him out of the tub.”

Paramedics were unable to revive Bosworth and he was pronounced dead at the scene.

“We drained the tub and took it out the next week. It was too painful to keep it around but we planted a tree out back to remember.”

“I couldn’t watch the show anymore for about 6 months, but one day I thought about it and decided that Ted would want me to move on and watch it again, since we both had so much fun enjoying it over the years. It’s like he’s here when the show’s on,” he added.

Secret CDC Memos Reveal Strain of Ebola Virus Has Gone ‘Airborne’

Posted on October 17, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The threat of the Ebola virus has gripped the country over the last several weeks, spreading across social media and internet news sites faster than the actual virus, but the one topic that concerned people the most is the idea that Ebola, which is normally contracted through contaminated bodily fluids, had become an airborne disease, similar to the way the common cold and influenza viruses are spread.

Even now, the Center for Disease Control in Washington says that Ebola has not gone airborne, and that you are not likely to get it if you just follow normal health precautions; washing your hands after using the bathroom, washing fruits and vegetables before eating, saying your nightly prayers, and not licking the open sores of Ebola patients or dead.

All of that is ‘hogwash,’ though, according to a CDC insider who has obtained memos from high-ranking officials within the organization. He says that Ebola has mutated itself into an airborne disease, and that a worldwide pandemic is already underway.

“You’ve seen the news already about the government purchasing disposable coffins. Did you think that was a joke?” Said the CDC insider, who spoke to us anonymously. “Ebola is one of the deadliest diseases you can catch. Sure, only 2 people in the United States have it right now. Sure, it’s only killed about 5,000 people since 1976, compared to the almost 36,000 people who die of the flu every year. And sure, it’s hard to contract right now – but soon it won’t be.”

The anonymous source says that he obtained confidential memos that state that there is a strain of Ebola that the CDC is trying to hide, and that the viral nature of the new disease has already caused it to spread quickly.

“The standard Ebola is called EBOV, from its own genus, ebolavirus. The new strain is being referred to as EBON, from the genus ebolanet, stemming from the fact that Ebola has gone ‘airborne’ across the internet and social media, almost inciting a mass panic. Truth of the matter is, the odds of anyone in a first-world country with modern health technologies, like the United States, contracting the actual Ebola virus are near zero, but catching this new, panic-inducing media strain is almost a 100% certainty.”

The insider says that the best ways to avoid contracting this violent new strain of Ebola are to ‘ignore hype,’ ‘do your own research,’ and ‘stop believing everything you see on the internet.’

Sean Hannity Fired From Fox Network, Blames Liberal Smear Campaign

Posted on October 17, 2014 by DvanL

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Shockwaves rippled throughout the broadcast journalism community today, with the news that conservative political commentator and show host Sean Hannity was fired by Fox News Channel President Roger Ailes.

Hannity, a Fox News programming staple since 2008, will be replaced by a new, yet-to-be-named animated news and current events show produced by Seth MacFarlane, creator and producer of Family Guy, and American Dad.

“This is a business,” remarked Ailes, when questioned outside Fox News Headquarters in New York. “Hannity was great, it performed well, but numbers were going down. People get tired of hearing the same old complaints. Maybe we’ll open up a spot for Sean if Hillary gets elected. The well’s running dry on fresh, new Obama criticisms. Even I was saying ‘haven’t we done this already?’”

Reportedly too distressed to face reporters himself, Hannity’s close friend and former Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin made a post to her Facebook page, deriding the decision to remove Hannity from broadcast.

“Doggonit here we go again with the further erodation (sic) by the liberal ‘lamestream’ media folks over there, with those goshdarn attacks on REAL Americans like the great Sean Hannity, who was sadly removed from our precious airwaves today. I will continue to defend our ideals and our dearly held freedoms as these pre-packaged, left-wing newsbites are prepared in easy-chew pills for the masses, and a certain member of the White House continues to shuck and jive his way through it all.”

No mention was made of Hannity’s immediate future in the television broadcast journalism realm. He will continue to host The Sean Hannity Show on radio, which made its national debut in September, 2001.

Discount Juice Brand Found To Have Used Wood Pulp In Orange Juice

Posted on October 16, 2014 by DvanL

PORT ST. LUCIE, Florida –

The Douglass family fortune was built on Papa D’s Orange Juice. Patriarch Oliver Douglass bought some land in 1938, and set up orange groves as far as the eye could see. In no time, ‘Papa D’s OJ’ lined store shelves from Orlando to Miami.

The family’s spotless reputation was tarnished last week though, when it was revealed that for decades, one of Douglass’ partners, a paper manufacturer, was supplying him with wood pulp for Douglass to add to their Papa D’s juice.

According to agriculture inspector Hank Kimball, Douglass used the cheapest strain of oranges available. “The fruit had next to no nutritional value whatsoever, and contained little to no pulp. They were basically sacks of juice surrounded by an orange rind,” Kimball stated.

The paper mill was owned by one of Douglass’ business partners. “From what the authorities have told me,” said Kimball, “apparently Douglass got the pulp for free in exchange for some tax breaks or something he arranged for his friend at the mill. Douglass had that kind of pull in this town. So they set it up so that pulp the mill needed to get rid of, that couldn’t be disposed of on land without it costing a lot of money or inconspicuously dumped into the ocean, would get mixed into the orange juice to get rid of it.”

“I feel sick to my stomach,” said Port St. Lucie shopper Doris Zifffel. “I’ve been drinking Papa D’s for years, and I’ve given that juice to my son Arnold since he was a baby. Maybe that explains why he was so ‘regular.’ I hope it didn’t hurt his little insides.”

Douglass was a local hero in his day. He supported the community by funding schools, hospitals and various charities. If Douglass endorsed you, you were a member of the ‘in’ crowd. Now, people can’t distance themselves from the family fast enough.

According to inside sources, the city of Port St. Lucie is now terminating all business dealings connected with the Douglass name. “It’s going to be a long process,” said the insider. “The orange juice facility was just shut down. The paper mill will probably take a hit. Just about everything in town has the ‘Douglass’ stamp on it in one way or another. It’s a huge mess.”

Calls to the Douglass household were answered by a maid who identified herself as ‘Consuela.’ When asked to provide a comment she said, “No, no, Mr. Douglass – not at home now.”

Creator Of ‘Sons of Anarchy’ Reveals Series Ending On Instagram

Posted on October 16, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Earlier this week, Kurt Sutter, creator and driving force behind the hit television show Sons of Anarchy, posted an image to Instagram showing the final few lines on the last page of the final episode, giving fans a glimmer of hope about the survival of main character Jax Teller.

The Instagram post was made without comment, except to say that he had ‘finished *713,’ which would be episode 13 of the 7th season, the final episode to be made in the much-loved, and highly acclaimed series.

The Instagram share is still on Sutter’s account, but many people are claiming that the posting may have initially been a mistake, and that Sutter will now, or has since, changed the ending.

“I swear, I thought it was done by accident,” said a fan. “Like he probably meant to text the picture to his wife Katey (Sagal, a lead on the show) or a producer or something. Just to show it was done. If this is how the series ends, I will be so excited! No one wants Jax to die. He should live happily ever after.”

Fans are speculating on the ending of the series, which last season saw several main characters killed off, and who will live or die during these final few episodes.

“A series like this begins filming months before the final drafts of the later episodes will even be completed,” said Mark Robertsen, a television writer not affiliated with Sons. “So it’s very possible that there have been or will be changes made to the end of the series. It’s even more likely that several of the stars don’t even know if they will live through the final credits. At this point, the only one who would really know is Kurt [Sutter] himself.”

The final season of Sons of Anarchy is airing Tuesday nights at 10pm EST on cable network FX.

Final Page SOA — A screenshot from @sutterink on Instagram shows the final (possible) ending to Sons of Anarchy

Body of Union Leader Jimmy Hoffa Discovered In Nashville

Posted on October 16, 2014 by carriesnotscary

NASHVILLE, Tennessee –

Investigators have officially identified the remains of bones that were discovered buried under the lawn surrounding Nashville’s replica of the Parthenon as that of Jimmy Hoffa, the Teamsters Union president who mysteriously disappeared in 1975.

“They’re not exactly bones that we found,” said Detective Evan Hoodunett. “We found parts – lots of tiny, chopped parts of bones. This guy didn’t go easy. I haven’t even seen something this bad in a mafia movie, let alone the hundreds of real mafia murder crimes I’ve witnessed or researched.”

For decades, the whereabouts of Hoffa’s remains were an unknown, and were widely speculated and discussed. Most theorists were certain he was kidnapped and murdered by the mafia, who at the time were a large part of the Teamsters and worker’s unions across the country. It had been speculated that they drove Hoffa to New Jersey, Florida, or Georgia and hid his body. Some were certain his remains were somewhere in Detroit, not far from where he was last seen outside the restaurant Machus Red Fox.

Yet still other, more bizarre theories exist. In researching this article, it was discovered that there are at least three people on the Internet who claim that the Coen brothers got their wood chipper scene idea in the well-known film Fargo from first-hand knowledge of, and involvement in, Hoffa’s death. No explanation was given as to why, or how, that would even be possible.

“Yeah, it takes all kinds of guesses, theories, and weirdos to really keep a story like this alive for the better part of 40 years,” said Hoodunett. “I’d honestly be surprised if someone hadn’t said that Hoffa was abducted by aliens or something, by this point. There were just so many crazies out there with their arm-chair detective skills.”

As far-fetched as the Hoffa theories got, absolutely no one predicted Nashville’s Parthenon as a possibility.

“These wise guys, or, er – I mean, whoever it might have been that did him in, really did an impressive job,” said Hoodunett. “Not only did they get away with murdering a prominent public figure of that time, but they left the entire lawn where they buried his chopped up body parts spotless. We never looked here before the tip, because it was totally clean and completely random, a location that had absolutely no connection to the victim or suspects. It’s like, having red wine with burritos. Who does that?”

Family and friends of Hoffa are uneasy now that they know for certain the details of the brutality of his murder, though a select few commented that they were relieved now that they know he “got what he deserved.” Hoffa had been declared dead in absentia in 1982.