WWE Wrestler John Cena To Make Debut In UFC This Month

Posted on October 2, 2014 by JP

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

One of the most popular professional wrestlers in the WWE has decided to take a new step in his career. John Cena, both a fan favorite and one of the most hated men in wrestling today, will be taking away from the entertainment ring, and heading to the real fights of the octagon this month

It has been announced that Cena, who has been training under MMA legend Chuck Liddell for several months, will face his first professional fight in mid-October.

At this point, it is unclear who Cena will be facing in his initial bout, but UFC sources have said not to expect his first fight to be against any ‘all-star’ fighter. Cena reportedly got the idea to fighting in the MMA arena from fellow pro-wrestler and one-time UFC champion Brock Lesner, but fans and sports insiders alike are already questioning if he can handle taking on the ‘real fights’ of the UFC.

“Cena is very prepared. He knows these are real badass fighters, throwing real punches and kicks,” said UFC president Dana White. “Cena is not taking this lightly, like the hits he takes in the WWE. I mean, there is almost a 100% certainty that he is going to get his ass handed to him, but at least he knows what’s coming. Cena is a marvelous showman, and will certainly put on a great show for us in the UFC.”

Cena did speak to the press, and although not very clear about his wrestling future, he was very concerned about his upcoming fight for the UFC.

“Whoever they have me facing, he is going to wish that the fight was as staged as pro wrestling. For decades the WWE, and wrestling in general, have been the joke of the sports world,” said Cena. “They see people like me, jacked and ‘pretending,’ and they think I can’t hold my own. This is to prove that I’m a real fighter, and can take it and give it, 100 percent. I’ve been in the ring. I’ve been in front of Hollywood cameras. This is just the next notch in my belt. Wrestling may be pre-determined, but it’s not fake. I didn’t tear my pectoral muscle completely in half playing hopscotch.”

It has been rumored that Cena may fight Kimbo Slice in his first bout, but so far nothing is signed on paper. Kimbo Slice, who became famous after internet videos showed him in street fights dominating contenders, turned out to be a complete joke once he entered the UFC, losing every match. He was released from his contract with the company, but they have agreed to possibly sign him for this one final bout against Cena.

The WWE has Cena under contract, and judging by the amount of publicity he raises for the company, not to mention the millions of dollars he makes for owner Vince McMahon, that contract probably has an end date of ‘never.’ The company has not commented on how often Cena will still be featured in WWE events, but a schedule of a UFC fighter can be pretty time-consuming. It fair to assume that Cena will be dividing his time between the squared-circle and the octagon come this fall.

Illinois Passes Law Banning Both Plastic and Paper Bags

Posted on October 1, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHICAGO, Illinois –

Quickly following California governor Jerry Brown’s ban on plastic bags in his state, Illinois lawmakers announced that they would not be ‘out done’, and quickly passed a law banning both plastic and paper bags from grocery and department stores throughout the state.

“For some reason, there has been talk for years in several states, with California leading the way, of banning plastic bags – and only plastic bags,” said Illinois congressman Aaron Silver. “I understand that the use of oils for creating something that people throw away almost instantly is a waste, but apparently these other states aren’t aware that it causes more environmental pollution and total waste to create paper bags over plastic.”

Environmentalists agree with Silver’s stance on the topic. Science professor at Chicago University Myles Kent was at the forefront of getting paper bags banned along with plastic throughout Illinois.

“Just for paper bags alone, more than 14 million trees are cut down annually,” said Kent. “It takes almost 4 times as much energy, and causes almost 70% more air pollutants to make a paper bag than it does to make a plastic bag. Banning plastic is nonsense. If you’re going to ban one, you really need to ban the other.”

Consumers who learned of the impending changes to their grocery routine were confused and outraged, many wondering what they plan on replacing the bags with so that they can get their food back to their homes.

“Do they expect that I’m just going to carry all my groceries out to my car and then haul them into the house without bags? It’s completely absurd. At this point, I’d pay more just to be able to keep the bags. Isn’t that a damn trip? Pay more for something I used to get for free,” said Destiny Brown, a Chicago resident we spoke to outside of a Price Chopper grocery store. “I swear, I’ll just rip the damn pillowcases off my kid’s beds and I’ll use those. There is no way I can shop without bags.”

“Pillowcases are a pretty good idea,” admitted Silver. “We haven’t yet thought about what the bags would be replaced with, really. It has been suggested that you sew together your old clothes into make-shift bags. Pants with deep pockets might work for small trips. We also urge consumers to consider just tying a bandana to a stick, hobo-style. It’s worked for them for eons, there’s no reason it can’t become a trend amongst environmentally conscious consumers.”

“It’s just that damn government controlling how we live, once more,” continued Brown. “At this point, I might just shop for groceries and other items online and have them delivered – or are they outlawing cardboard shipping boxes in this state, too?”

Silver said that the whole point of banning both paper and plastic bags is to send a message that ‘the environment is good, and ruining it is bad.’

“We really need to save this planet for future generations. They will need oil for other, more important things than bags, like getting around in cars or making kitschy plastic gifts. They will need trees for climbing, and building tree houses, and for clean air to breathe and that sort of thing. We need to protect the people from themselves, and from harm. That’s what we do. We’re the government, and we make decisions for you.”

When asked, Silver had no comment about the possible future legislation of cardboard boxes.

2014 To Be Record Year for ‘People Peeping’ During New England Winter

Posted on September 30, 2014 by Andrew Husband

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

As fall temperatures plummet, millions of visitors from the New England countryside will make the annual pilgrimage to Boston for people peeping season. The event is a favorite regional activity for many, and experts predict record numbers during the coming winter.

People peeping is the name commonly given to the viewing of persons during the winter season. People peepers, on the other hand, are those who take part in the activity. Participants generally travel to densely populated urban areas to watch people go about their business, the most frequent being their attempts to escape the cold. Most major towns in New England offer prime people peeping when the time is right, but Boston routinely takes top prize among peepers.

“My family’s gone people peepin’ every year for as long as I can remember,” says Thomas Birch of Lincoln, N.H. “After the year’s fall, my daddy would take us down to Boston for a few days. It’s such a wonderful thing, you know, seein’ all the different kinds of people all around. All different shapes and sizes and colors. Mostly black, though, since they’re all bundled up against the cold.”

“We used to go to Maine in the fall for leaf peeping, but we find that’s just not as much fun as people peeping,” said Marsha Fuller of Lincoln, New Hampshire. “So instead of wasting money on that trip, we head down to Boston or Worcester in the winter. It’s a hellacious drive sometimes what with the snowstorms and all, but when we get there, and we can watch all the people scampering around, trying to get warm, it really makes the trip worth it.”

The 2015 Farmer’s Almanac predicts higher than normal snowfall for Boston, New York and other major cities along the Atlantic Corridor. This is especially the case for the months of December, January and February, during which the weather is expected to include “colder and slightly wetter than normal, with above-normal snowfall.”

“Folks are hardly ever outside then,” says Denise Palm, a frequent tourist from the west coast. “You rarely ever see anyone out and about for all that long, and I don’t blame them. It gets so cold here in the wintertime!”

Most consider snowy and freezing weather phenomena to be ideal, which is why Boston is the pastime’s epicenter. As days grow shorter and average temperatures decrease, more Bostonians spend less of their time outside. The infrequent sunlight and greater cold make for a most inhospitable environment, yet such is precisely what is necessary for people peeping.

The popular form of recreation is not without its detractors. As the weather worsens, obstacles like snow drifts and black ice hamper people’s ability to get around. The addition of people peepers only clogs the roads further, frustrating many in Boston. “They’re all over the place,” says an outspoken Southie resident. “It’s a disgrace, fallin’ everywhere like that in peoples’ ways.”

Despite the annoyance, the people peepers keep coming. Himself a father, Birch intends to rejoin countless others in the next few months for the trip south. “The Pines are already talkin’ about visitin’ the city in October, but I think we’ll wait till December or January. That’s when the real action starts.”

“I’m a bit of a fanatic about the whole thing,” Birch admits. “I’m pretty sure it’s why everyone calls me ‘Peeping Tom.'”

Snuggie Inventor Dies After Being Suffocated By Product That Made Him Millions

Posted on September 29, 2014 by JP

SAN FRANSISCO, California –

The creator of the Snuggie, the most well-known ‘blanket with sleeves’ on the market today, was found dead Monday afternoon from presumed suffocation in his sleep. Scott Boilens’ body was discovered by a member of his cleaning staff at his home in San Francisco.

The staff member claims she went to do a simple sweep and dusting of the room, and when she began to make the bed she had realized there was a body still wrapped within the blankets.

“I just thought it was a pile of them ugly Snuggie things, you know?” said Carlotta Valdez, the cleaning lady who discovered Boilens’ body. “There are normally tons of those things piled all over the place. Leftovers, I guess, since ain’t nobody buying that cheap sleeve-blanket crap no more.”

When police arrived on the scene they declared Boilen dead, apparently strangled by the sleeve of a nearby Snuggie. The one that Boilen was wearing was in perfect, albeit stupid, condition. An autopsy report is still pending.

“In my many years of police work, I have seen a few people suffocate in their sleep, but most of the time it is due to vomiting after a night of binge drinking or excessive drug use. This one is new to us, and just a tad ironic, I suppose,” said police captain Joe Goldsmith.

Along with being the inventor the famous ‘blanket with sleeves’, Boilen was also the CEO of the company Allstar Products, and had a reported net worth of $200 million dollars, most of which was tied up in Snuggie merchandise and memorabilia.

Allstar Products was quick to point out in a statement that the Snuggies are extremely safe, and that this is the first instance where someone had been injured due to their product, with the exception of any person who has worn it in public, to which case they assume that the person’s self-esteem was severely damaged. They of course expressed their sympathies to the Boilen family.

“We know that the Snuggie was a hot item at one point a few years ago, right after it ripped off the Slanket and went to market. Now, as the winter months come upon us, more and more people might dig out their Snuggies from whatever rock they no doubt threw them under, and try to stay warm and enjoy some Netflix,” said Goldsmith.

“I have to admit myself that they are very cozy, even if they are the kitschiest thing I’ve ever seen next to the Pet Rock. That being said, you need to be careful when wearing any long, loose-fitting items when going to bed – and that includes kimonos, karate gis, or Ghostface Halloween costumes,” continued Goldsmith. “Ironically, if Mr. Boilen had chosen a loose blanket with no sleeves, he would probably still be alive today. Cold, I’m sure, but alive.”

Gov’t Provides $600M Grant To Scientists Researching Natural Gas

Posted on September 28, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

It was just another normal day in government spending this morning, when House members voted to pus through a $600 million dollar grant to help scientists research properties of natural gas. Dr. Issac Merda, professor of methane studies for the University of Kentucky, requested the grant almost 2 years ago. Dr. Merda says that he and his colleagues plan to study the truth behind the age-old adage ‘He Who Smelt It, Dealt It.’

“We have been working on this project for several years, and as of this summer we had run out of private funding,” said Dr. Merda. “We know it was going to happen, and at the end of 2012 I requested this grant from the government so that we could continue this extremely important scientific research.”

Dr. Merda and his partner, Professor Richard Teile, began their research in the fall of 2009, after a late-night Mexican bean burrito party with their lab employees got a little crazy.

“We were having a good time, eating some burritos and drinking a couple of beers, when in the middle of the laughter, Ol’ Ike let one rip – hard. He was right in the middle of pounding out a triple meat and cheese taquito, and although we all knew it was him, it was our friend Larry who smelt it first,” said Teile. “We all instantly stopped in our tracks. We knew it wasn’t Larry who nearly shat himself silly, so how was he the one who smelled the rancid stench before Dr. Merda? We all jumped to work instantly, knowing that it was a big deal, and that our research could change everything.”

“Oh man, it was really nasty smelling, too,” said Larry, the custodian in the science center at the University of Kentucky. “I happened to pass through, and was instantly like ‘Damn, who let that one go?’, and all the lab guys, they instantly got quiet. Then they all got really serious looks on their faces, and jumped right into work. It took me damn near a whole bottle of Febreeze to get that stank out, by the way.”

Merda says that they are very close to ‘cracking the code’ wide open, and that when they publish their results in the Journal of Scientific Discovery next spring, the world will be forever changed.

“The things that this little mishap has led to, discoveries and thoughts you can’t yet to imagine about human bodily functions in relation to their surroundings. It’s just going to boggle you’re mind,” said Merda. “This grant being pushed through will help us finally come to a completion of our study. $600 million will buy a lot of tacos, Coronas, and Goya beans.”

So far, the team is keeping a tight lip on their findings and research. As they continue to study the effects of smelling it versus dealing it out, there is currently no word on whether or not doing the crime really does correlate with making the rhyme.

Man Arrested for Tattooing 1-Year-Old Baby

Posted on September 28, 2014 by JP

AUTUMNVILLE, California –

A tattoo artist is behind bars this afternoon after allegedly tattooing a one year old baby at his shop in Autumnville. The artist, Charles Dennett, 24, who goes by the nickname ‘Red,’ has been making a career out of tattooing since the age of 18.

According to reports, a couple brought in their baby to the Inks & Stuff tattoo studio last Saturday afternoon, and asked Dennett to adorn their child with a Japanese Kanji. Dennett claims that although he did perform the tattoo, it is the parents who are to blame, not him.

“I get paid to tattoo people and I don’t discriminate with race, religion, or age,” said Dennett. “They were cash customers, and they came in prepared, knowing all about tattoos and what they wanted for their baby. In this state, if you are underage and your parents come in with you and agree that it is okay, then it’s not illegal. I don’t see the problem here. The parents literally begged me to do the tattoo and I feel that they are to blame for this, not me. I was just doing my job, man.”

The tattoo that the parents picked out was a Kanji that in English meant ‘respect.’ They had Dennett tattoo their baby on his arm. His parents, who happen to be covered in tattoos, did admit that their son may have been too young to get ‘inked’, as they called it, but wanted their son to live by the meaning of the tattoo, and never forget to treat others well.

“Respect, in the form of a kanji, is the perfect thing to get as a first tattoo. We were debating, honestly, between the kanji, a bar code, or a tribal band around his little arm, but we figured the kanji would mean the most in his future,” said Kelly Randall, the mother of the baby.

Dennett is currently being held in the county jail, unable to pay his $5,000 bail. He is facing charges of assault and endangering the welfare of a child.

“I still don’t see the big deal. If he doesn’t like it down the road, it’s not like he can’t get the thing covered. I mean hell, it’s really tiny. I’ll tell you, the kid is going to be all about tattoos later in life. He sat like a f—— champ, too,” said Dennett.

The Randalls, Kelly and Jordan, say that they don’t know why it is such a big deal.

“We’ve got two other kids, a 9-year-old and a 13-year-old. They both love getting tattoos!” said Jordan. “You know what they say, once you get one, you’ll never be done.”

Tea Party Movement Dissolved, Party Officially Suspends All Activities

Posted on September 28, 2014 by DvanL

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In what can only be described as unprecedented and earth-shattering political news, Tea Party Leaders have announced the official dissolution of the Tea Party Movement, and the end to Tea Party-approved candidates and sponsored political endorsements.

The bombshell announcement was issued through a joint press release from Marco Rubio, U.S. Senator for Florida, and Representative Ted Cruz (R-Texas). The statement reads in part:

In recent months, growing tensions and increasing divisions within the party have led us to make the difficult but necessary decision to halt all Tea Party political activities. We just can’t keep up with all the nonsense we spew on a daily basis, and it’s gotten to the point where nobody even listens to our crap anymore. Once people stop listening, then the crap just seems that much…crappier. We have taken this action because we feel it is crucial for the future health and political success of our current and seriously divided mainstream GOP.

Over the last several years, there have been many setbacks to the Tea Party movement. Original Tea Party member Eric Cantor lost his bid for re-election in June 2014 to newcomer and college professor David Brat. Florida Representative Allen West narrowly lost his bid for reelection to political novice Patrick Murphy in November 2012. Plus, former Alaska Governor and 2008 GOP Vice-Presidential Nominee Sarah Palin also aligned herself with the movement and remains highly vocal – which might be the biggest setback of all for the party.

The Tea Party unofficially got started during a February 2009 speech from the floor of the Chicago Mercantile Exchange when CNBC commentator Rick Santelli made reference to the original Boston Tea Party revolt of 1773. Santelli proposed a Chicago ‘Tea Party’ style uprising to oppose government intrusion into the housing market. At the time, President Barack Obama’s mortgage relief bailout plan faced widespread opposition and criticism.

A faction of the new party used racially-charged symbolism and rhetoric aimed directly at Barack Obama, the nation’s first African-American President, causing further divisions and contributing to the party’s demise.

“At a time when our GOP leadership was achieving limited success in attracting a more diverse base,” explained Rubio, “unfortunate events were taking place, with no clear direction toward party cohesion. The sooner we get back to the work of repairing today’s GOP, the stronger the party and the entire nation will be.”

Current Speaker of the House John Boehner was reportedly against the move, but was overruled in what is seen as a further weakening of his political power and influence. Several members of the House were reportedly overjoyed by the decision for the group to disband. Others, though, were just concerned about whether or not they’d still be able to enjoy their Chai.

Hillary Clinton Caught In Love Affair With Female White House Staff Member

Posted on September 27, 2014 by JP

Washington D.C. –

The Clinton name is back in the news this week, but for once it isn’t former President Bill Clinton who is under the spotlight – this time it’s his wife, Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, who is under scrutiny, after allegedly being caught having an affair with her co-worker.

The co-worker in question is a former White House secretary, and it is being speculated that the affair has been happening since Hillary first took the job as Secretary of State. The woman, who so far has only been listed in the press as ‘Samille,’ has not been fully identified. It is still unclear if that is a pseudonym. So far, the only information that appears to be accurate is that the affair has taken place over several years.

‘Samille’ was not directly hired by Clinton, and reports indicate it may have been someone who had worked within the White House for many years, possibly meeting Hillary as far back as when her husband was President. Sources within the White House say that they spent so much time together ‘working,’ and having late-night meetings, that people began to wonder if there was something illicit happening almost as far back as 2012. The alleged affair officially came to light when a White House staffer, who had set up a meeting with Hillary, showed up 15 minutes early only to find the lovers kissing.

Since the accusations, Samille has admitted to it happening a lot more than once, and is claiming that she couldn’t help her emotions towards the former first lady.

“I mean it was something about the power, and the political presence that she holds. Plus, my God – the pantsuits are to die for, you know? They just set a fire in my heart…and between my legs,” said Samille via email to the Associated Press.

Former president Bill Clinton, who was first confronted with the news by reporters who caught him out to dinner on a business meeting, was asked if this would be the end of his marriage with Hillary.

“Oh God, I don’t think so. I mean, I think if anything at this point we would be considered even,” said former president Clinton, not at all taken aback by the news of his wife’s alleged infidelity. “She stood by me while I diddled everything that walked into the Oval Office, or Oral Office, as I liked to call it, haha. It’s high time she took the stick out and had a little fun, if you know what I mean. I just hope this might parlay into a little mixing-together-three, if you catch my drift.”

Political analysts are saying that the news breaking at this time might actually be good for Clinton, especially if she has any plans on running for president in 2016.

“When the truth came out about [Bill] Clinton giving Monica Lewinsky the ol’ heave-ho, and Hillary stood by him for some stupid reason, people called her a coward and a wimp. The claimed she didn’t have the nerve to leave her husband because he was president, when any other woman on the face of the planet would have just said “sayonara,'” said political analyst for the Washington Post Times, Bill Reed. “This turns everything on its head. This will get her the vote if she runs in 2016. Women will begin to love her for that strong sense of womanhood, and men might actually find her appealing now, because all men fantasize about two women going at it. Even if one of them is Hillary Clinton, who has the sex appeal of a school house fire.”

As of this time, there has been no official statement given by Hillary Clinton or anyone from within her political party. When asked about her take on the events, from an ‘insiders’ perspective, Monica Lewinsky said “Well, at least this time it wasn’t me. I certainly don’t need any of those kind of stains on any of my dresses.”

Chubby Checker Breaks Hip Performing ‘Twist’ Dance He Made Famous

Posted on September 26, 2014 by DvanL

ATLANTIC CITY, New Jersey –

“Come on baby, let’s do the twist!” was a song lyric blazing out of millions of radios after singer Chubby Checker introduced the song in 1960.

When Checker, born Ernest Evans, introduced the song on The Dick Clark Show it began a national dance craze. Clark called it “the hottest dance sensation in the last 4 years.”

Last week in Atlantic City, while demonstrating the dance he helped create, Checker, now 72, violently twisted his body while onstage, tumbling over into the orchestra pit.

“It was worse than what it looked like,” said Checker, from his hometown in Philadelphia. “I’ve done this dance literally a million times – maybe more,” he said. “It could have been something on the floor, or the way the lights were reflecting – I don’t know. I was starting to turn after doing a couple of twists and BOOM, down I went, right on top of the conductor. First time in over 50 years I’ve ever twisted myself into injury!”

Checker takes part in 30 or 40 ‘oldies’ shows a year. “I used to do more, but I think 40 is enough these days.”

The busy singer also has appeared in several touring productions of the musical Grease.

Most people mistakenly believe that Checker wrote the song, but his version was actually a cover of the 1959 Hank Ballard and the Midnighters’ R&B version.

“I don’t know what it was that made my cover go worldwide,” said Checker. “I think it was being at the right place at the right time, and plus the dance. The dance though, that was all mine.”

Checker’s version of “The Twist” has the distinction of charting twice on the Billboard charts: initially, in September 1960 where it remained for 18 weeks, then again in November 1961, where it was ranked among the top 100 for 21 weeks.

In between the Billboard listings, Checker recorded a follow-up, “The Hucklebuck” which made it to number 14. Fans of The Honeymooners remember Art Carney’s Ed Norton demonstrating the dance to Jackie Gleason’s Ralph Kramden in the Season 5 episode “Young At Heart.”

Checker plans to get back on the road after the holidays.

“Maybe this is a way for ‘The Big Man Upstairs’ to tell me to take a break,” he said. “But I’ll be back. I’ve still got a few thousand twists left!”

Obama Admits To Forging Birth Certificate; President Not Natural-Born U.S. Citizen

Posted on September 26, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

It looks as though many Republicans and ‘birthers’ were right all along. In a press conference this morning from the White House, President Obama admitted that he had forged his birth certificate, and that he was not a natural-born U.S. citizen.

“It’s true that I was not born here in this great country,” said the President in his speech. “That does not mean, though, that I have not led us through some great times. I have fought hard to make sure we are protected. I almost single-handedly killed that son of a b—- bin Laden. I have driven us into, and then right back out of, a horrible recession. I knew what needed to be done to get to where I am, and so I had to make it happen.”

President Obama has been the talk of many conspiracy theories over the course of his presidency, beginning while he was still running for office. At one point in time, a poll showed that over 50% of people in the Republican party thought that Obama had forged his birth certificate, and that he was not constitutionally allowed to be president. These people, often referred to as ‘birthers’, hold onto one of several theories, including that the president was born in Kenya, that he is a dual US/UK citizen, or that he is of Indonesian citizenship. The rumors and theories became so bad that in 2008, President Obama released what is now being found to be a forged birth certificate, stating he was born in Hawaii.

“I had to do what I did to become president,” continued Obama. “Yes, the birth certificate is a forgery. No, I was not born in Hawaii – my God, do I even look like I was born in Hawaii? Don’t answer that, actually. Regardless – as your elected leader, I plan to continue to run this country the best that I can for the remainder of my term, and prove to everyone that a strong leader can come from anywhere, and still take over this great land.”

Before the announcement, President Obama went through the motions of giving himself an executive pardon, making it impossible to stand accountable for breaking the law, something that until this presidency, no one had ever considered possible.

“I have pardoned myself for my crimes, and for lying to the country,” said the President. “Therefore, I will not be able to be arrested or taken into custody. In the eyes of our great judicial system, I have now done nothing wrong.”

Despite the shock of the announcement, and the surprise of the pardon, many reporters at the White House were still wondering where Obama was actually born, if the entire time his birth certificate had just been a ruse.

“I am so glad that you asked that,” said Obama. “To be truthful – no, I am not from this great nation. Nor was I born in Kenya. To be fair, I am actually not even of this world. I come from a distant planet, known as Garlarktaschpel, which when translated to English becomes ‘Change.’ I am, indeed, the most illegal kind of alien there is.”

“I have tried to tell you all from the beginning that ‘Change’ was coming, and I am making this announcement now to let you know that ‘Change’ is very near. My people, the Changers, are nearing Earth. We are coming. The Changers will bring life to those who deserve it, and death to the remaining. It will be The Rapture. It will be the end for most. If you thought you feared ‘Change’ before, then just wait for what’s coming.”