President Obama to Star in Hollywood Feature Film

Posted on July 18, 2014 by Bonnie Anderson

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

While his second presidential term is approaching an end, his career in the spotlight is certainly not, as it has been announced by Lionsgate Films that Barack Obama will star in their long-anticipated sequel to Eddie Murphy’s 1988 hit comedy, Coming to America.

The title of the film, slated for a 2018 release, is Coming to Zamunda, in which the character, President Obama as himself, travels to Zamunda, the fictional African home country of Murphy’s Crown Prince Akeem Joffer.

The comedy will take place after first lady Michelle Obama is accidentally killed by a stray bullet on a visit overseas. It will feature a widower Obama traveling to Africa—without the secret service—in the hopes of becoming more independent and finding a new bride who “arouses his mind as well as his loins” among his ancestral people in the infectious disease tents.

“The movie is bound to be just a gas,” wrote Obama’s publicist, “The sheer originality of reversing the hilarious fish-out-of-water story from the first film, combined with the president’s own personal experience as a boy of privilege and education working in the slums of Chicago? It’s a perfect match.”

A statement released by Lionsgate stated that Murphy, alongside Coming to America co-stars Arsenio Hall and James Earl Jones will make cameo appearances, and John Landis will return to direct the sequel.

When asked at a recent press conference if he really believed it would be plausible for a former U.S. president to start a film acting career after leaving office, Obama said, “Yes we CAN.”

Hollywood Shocker: ‘Gilligan’s Island’ Star Turns Out To Be Zodiac Killer

Posted on July 18, 2014 by Bonnie Anderson

HOLLYWOOD, California –

In a scandal that has stunned the world, the late Russell Johnson, known for his role as Professor Roy Hinkley on the popular sitcom Gilligan’s Island, has been identified as the infamous Zodiac Killer. Johnson died of kidney failure this past January.

Notorious in the late 1960s and early 1970s for the grisly murders of at least 6 people and a slew of threatening letters to the San Francisco Chronicle, the serial killer has, until now, never been identified.

According to detectives who have been on the case since it was reopened in March of 2007, “It’s no coincidence that the murders began in 1969, one year following the final episode of Gilligan’s Island. It’s obvious now, that between sporadic TV and film appearances, [Johnson] satisfied his sick obsession for fame by dominating headlines with his murderous activities. The man was literally hiding in plain sight.”

Now, more than 40 years after narrowly escaping his own death at the hands of the Zodiac Killer, 60-year old Bryan Hartnell happened to be in the right place at the right time – the Cook Family Funeral Home in Bainbridge, Washington, at the exact moment Johnson’s remains arrived from the morgue. In the most bizarre coincidence of all, Bryan Hartnell was the embalmer assigned to prepare Johnson for his funeral.

“It chilled me to the core,” said Hartnell. “Right away I knew I’d seen that face somewhere.” He immediately called the police.

Agents notified Johnson’s wife of 32 years, Constance, who said tearfully in a recent statement, “His family would say that he was a little ‘funny’ after the war, but I always thought they meant he had a better sense of humor.”

SWAT teams immediately surrounded his mansion and police tracked down Johnson’s daughter Kim for questioning. Johnson’s body was quickly exhumed for DNA testing. When compared to samples taken from letters allegedly sent by the Zodiac Killer in the late 60s, it was a positive match. According to handwriting expert Lloyd Cunningham, who’s worked on the Zodiac case for decades, the handwriting in the letters and Johnson’s autograph were also a perfect match.

“The nail in the coffin,” said Zodiac expert Robert Greysmith, “was the fact that Johnson’s down-streak finally ended and he was busy at work shooting the miniseries Vanished between 1971 and 1972—precisely when the Zodiac stopped sending letters.”

George Mueller, the Judge presiding over the case found Russell Johnson guilty of the crimes and sentenced him to 100 years in prison without parole. His body will be interred to the Washington State Penitentiary Cemetery to serve his sentence retroactively, and his acting credit will be removed from all future broadcasts of Gilligan’s Island reruns.

Drastic Changes Ahead For ‘The Walking Dead’ In Season 5

Posted on July 17, 2014 by Bonnie Anderson

RABUN COUNTY, Georgia –

As the ratings continue to diminish each season, AMC’s The Walking Dead creator and executive producer Robert Kirkman has made a move that will stun viewers and, hopefully, change the fate of the ailing series.

In a dramatic departure from the hit graphic novel series, the character of sheriff’s Deputy Rick Grimes will no longer be American. Kirmkan has decided that now Grimes will be a former British-national posing as a King’s County, Georgia native under the witness protection program.

While a severe departure from the main storyline of the graphic novels, according to Kirkman the decision was necessary for the survival of the series.

“We were getting way too much feedback from fans that Andrew Lincoln’s Rick Grimes was not charismatic enough to carry the show. What were we going to do, fire the guy who played Egg in This Life? Short of bringing Jon Bernthal back as Shane’s twin brother, this was the only way.”

Kirkman elaborated by saying that he didn’t think that the massive change would really phase most long-time viewers, but that the storyline would have a more ‘universal appeal’ to people who had not watched the show at all yet. They also were struggling to pay for dialect coaches for Lincoln, who is an English actor playing a Southern lawman.

“The bottom line is, trying to maintain an American accent as a British man while squinting a lot and conveying the agony of a man with the whole apocalyptic world on his shoulders is no small task for anyone. So we decided to give Andrew a break so he can really cut loose and bring new life to the character.”

Regarding where the plot is headed, Kirkman remains tight-lipped. However he did hint that Grimes will reveal his true identity to his band of fellow survivors at some point during the season premiere, and will coincide with Daryl’s realization of his latent attraction to “men from across the pond,” about which actor Norman Reedus is ecstatic.

“I get so tired of everyone asking me, ‘who is Daryl going to have a romantic storyline with,“ said Reedus, “Carol? Beth? It’s a huge relief to have that whole mess resolved.”

The official release date, set for later this month has not yet been announced.

Fortune 500 Company Executive Speaks Out Against Sexism in the Workplace

Posted on July 17, 2014 by Bonnie Anderson

LOS ANGELES, California –

A Senior Vice-President at a prominent Fortune 500 Los Angeles firm wrote in an email to the L.A. Times that he is “fed up” with sexism in the workplace. The executive, who asked that his company not be named, and signed the email simply as “Howard,” has some extreme examples for what he feels would be a positive step to eliminating sexism in the workplace.

“It’s gotten downright out of control,” Howard writes in his letter to the Times. “Whenever I express myself in an aggressive way, I’m perceived as an ass—-. But when a woman is aggressive, people say she’s just ‘assertive.’”

“What’s worse,” he continues, “is the ‘glass ceiling’ debacle. As a direct result of Janine over in Corporate Finance beating me out of my promotion to CEO, I can’t afford to install the skylight I’ve always wanted on the fourth floor of my Summer estate. It’s so depressing I can’t bring myself to vacation there. Just this once, I wanted a damn glass ceiling.”

Apparently it isn’t just Howard suffering a financial strain as a result of corporate sexism—it’s also his company. He claims that, “It’s one thing for women to take our jobs, but equal pay too? The amount we are paying our female staff has led to budget cuts resulting in my flying business class instead of first class on business trips, and I’m forced to stay in dismal 4-star accommodations that don’t even have a minibar.”

Howard also points out the undue consideration given his female colleagues when it comes to the use of office space, citing as an example the recent conversion of the office billiards room to a breast-feeding room: “Why can’t we just buy a porta-potty for that? Isn’t how they do it at football games?”

He continues, arguing that sexism is forcing men to settle for traditionally “male” roles such as a blacksmith or a shoeshine boy.

The contents of Howard’s email, however, didn’t contain mere complaints—He also proposed a solution to what he deems this “silent epidemic.”

“Simply put,” he states, “all of these issues can be stopped in their tracks and prevented by placing a ban on ‘Bring Your Daughter to Work Day’ in corporate workplaces. If they don’t know about work, they can’t eventually get into the workplace. Easy-peasy.”

Howard says that he plans to start a Facebook page dedicated to the movement he refers to as MESI (Men for the End of Sexual Injustice).

Lady Gaga Joins Cast of HBO Hit Series ‘True Detective’ For Season 2

Posted on July 17, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LOS ANGELES, California –

Lady Gaga has officially joined the season two cast of the critically acclaimed HBO television series True Detective, according to show creator and writer Nic Pizzolatto.

The first season of the television series was an instant hit for HBO, and featured tremendous acting performances by Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson. For the 66th Primetime Emmy Awards, the series is nominated for Outstanding Drama Series. Harrelson and McConaughey (who will not return to the show) are both nominated for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series.

Acting in the series will be a new endeavor for Lady Gaga, whose real name is Stefani Germanotta. Gaga says she was influenced by her boyfriend, actor Taylor Kinney, who plays Lt. Kelly Severide on the popular TV show Chicago Fire.

“We are very excited to work with Lady Gaga. She passed a screen test with flying colors and has proven that she is a true performer and clearly this will put her on the map as an acting sensation,” said Pizzolatto in a telephone interview. “She is undergoing rigorous training from some of the most highly respected acting coaches in the industry at New York’s Actors Studio. She will be playing the role of Sarah Kemilosky, one of our newly added three main characters for season two.”

It was recently announced that True Detective season two is expected to include eight episodes, and will take place in California, a change from the Louisiana backdrop of season one.

Lady Gaga has not been reachable for comment since the announcement, but her boyfriend Taylor Kinney is very happy that Gaga will be joining him in the ‘world of acting.’

“She is very excited. It is something we joked about in the past, her getting into acting, but the more I thought about it, the more I tried to convince her to give it a try. I know she has exactly what it takes to make it in the industry, she definitely has the chops for acting. This opportunity will most certainly put her on the map as a legitimate actress.”

Season two of True Detective is scheduled to begin filming late 2014.

Obsessed ‘Finding Bigfoot’ Fan Claims to Have Discovered Creature, Police Find Dead Wife In Sasquatch Costume

Posted on July 17, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

FAYETTE COUNTY, West Virginia –

A Fayette County man, Reginald Jacobson, called NBC affiliate WVVA on Tuesday evening and left a message saying he had found and hunted down Bigfoot. Reporter Steve Muscabi chuckled when he first heard the message.

“The guy sounded very excited, left his name and number and home address, so we decided to follow-up the message and return his phone call,” said Muscabi. “It was about 4 hours after the initial call when I called back. He was sobbing so uncontrollably I could barely understand him. He kept repeating ‘I have made a terrible mistake, I didn’t mean to do it, I’m so sorry!’ He just kept repeating those words.”

After asking several times for Jacobson to slow down and explain what was happening, Muscabi was finally able to get Jacobson to explain what he’d done.

“Finally, he said ‘It was Betty, I killed Betty, Oh dear Lord, I killed my wife!'” recalls Muscabi. “I quickly scribbled down [Muscabi’s] address, handed it to an intern, and told him to call 9-1-1.”

When West Virginia State police arrived on the scene, they were shocked and confused to find 47-year-old Betty Jacobson shot to death and in a tub filled with cold water. The weirdest part, investigators say, is that she was in a Sasquatch costume.

“What we have is a very disturbing case that is currently being investigated simply as a homicide,” said West Virginia State Police spokesperson Lt. Paul Hart. “I can only say at this point that we are diligently investigating the shooting death of Betty Jacobson, any further information will be released when we are prepared to do so.”

“Whether this was foul play or a tragic accident, it is absolutely terrible.” said WVVA reporter Muscabi. “Being the first person to hear Mr. Jacobson’s message and having even laughed when I heard it, and for it to turn out this way is so disturbing. I hope friends and family get the answers they deserve.”

A neighbor of the Jacobson’s, who asked to not be named, was standing on the edge of his property while police were investigating the bizarre scene, and told reporters that Jacobson had been obsessed with finding Bigfoot.

“I always thought he was crazy, he was truly obsessed. He had pictures from alleged sightings hanging all over his living room wall, his obsession seemed to escalate when the TV reality series Finding Bigfoot began to air. That show seemed to have awakened something in him. It became a lifetime goal for him to be the one to find Bigfoot.”

Finding Bigfoot is a reality television series which premiered in 2011. The show documents four Bigfoot experts in their quest to find the elusive creature throughout the United States and Canada. The show airs on the Animal Planet cable network. No comment has been made by the network or producers of the television show.

Mixed Martial Arts To Become Banned in United States By 2015

Posted on July 17, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

James Lee Offerman, chairman of the Association of Boxing Commissions (ABC) announced on Thursday morning that under the urging of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, the U.S. Government is expected to pass a bill in 2015 which will make all Mixed Martial Arts (MMA) competition illegal in all 50 states.

“Under urging from the Obama administration and the DHHS, researchers and medical experts have studied diligently the last few years to investigate the dangers of MMA competition. The results complied have proven that the sport is far too dangerous to go forward in the United States. A decision we, the ABC, have ultimately approved.” said Offerman.

There have been four MMA related deaths since 2007, the latest being Booto Guylain, a Congolese fighter who died on March 5, 2014 following complications resulting from a head injury experienced during an MMA bout. It was the death of Tyrone Mimms, who died in South Carolina in 2012 following a MMA match, that prompted the Obama Administration to initially investigate the dangers of the extremely popular sport. After two years of studies and research, studies revealed that the most alarming statistic were to fighters who have suffered permanent brain damage during sparring and matches. The numbers were not released by the Department of Health and Human Services, just that the compilation of results were “beyond alarming.”

“The high-profile of modern MMA promotions such as UFC and Pride has fostered an accelerated development of the sport making it more and more dangerous in a short amount of time,” says sports medicine expert and neurosurgeon Dr. Zumbaka Ulygeno. “I have seen an alarming amount of life changing brain injuries in the past three years due to the sport of mixed martial arts, while it is exciting and is big business in the United States, it needs to be brought to an end.”

Dana White, President of MMA giant organization UFC was reportedly extremely angry about the reports, as well as the secretive nature of the investigation by the White House.

“This is ridiculous. You don’t see them trying to shut down the sport of football, and the last time I checked, even high school kids are killed almost every year playing. We will fight this,” said White. “This is just another attempt by the Obama Administration to rip another piece of freedom from the American public. We won’t stand for it. If we let them take this away from us, what’s next? Boxing? Baseball? Fried chicken? This is disturbing and infuriating to say the least.”

According to Offerman the ban has absolutely nothing to do with politics.

“We are here to protect the American public, and this is exactly what we are trying to do. Anyone blaming the Obama administration needs to look at the big picture,” explained Offerman during a press conference in Las Vegas. “The sport has run its course, the fighters are getting stronger and more dangerous, yet there is no superstar. It seems that the risk involved should no longer worth it to those who oversee the sport, and there is no shame in waving the white flag in surrender.”

“You clearly have not heard the last from MMA supporters, fighters, promoters, and the crazed, uninformed cult that follows our barbaric sport,” said White. “We need to stand up for the right to observe organized, violent sporting events. It’s what makes this country perfect in every way.”

Whole Foods Market Becomes First Company To Require Employees To Have Visible Tattoos

Posted on July 16, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

AUSTIN, Texas –

In what many people are claiming is a publicity stunt to show they are a hip, young company, Whole Foods Market became the first company in the country to require that all of their store employees have visible tattoos.

Despite becoming more and more popular over the years, tattoos still have a stigma attached to them, especially from older generations. With many people today, both young and old, getting tattoos, Whole Foods said that they want to create a great, fun environment in a somewhat stagnant job market for anyone with body art.

“I personally don’t have any tattoos, but I think it’s a beautiful, creative way to express yourself,” said John Elstrott, CEO of Whole Foods Market, INC. “We decided, after numerous focus groups and discussions amongst our board members, that we want our employees to show off their creative sides. We want them all to have visible tattoos.”

Despite writing into their company’s regulations that they want everyone to be tattooed, that does not mean that current non-tattooed employees are losing their jobs.

“Quite the contrary, actually,” said Elstrott. “For our current employees who don’t have [visible] tattoos, we expect that you will go and get, at your cost, a long sleeve shirt and/or long pants. If you do not have visible tattoos, we don’t want your bare skin showing. Of course, you can always go out and get a tattoo yourself!”

Current employees of Whole Foods seem divided on the subject. Many of their employees have tattoos currently, but had to cover them up before the new rule. Others who had no tattoos, say that they don’t have any because they weren’t interested in getting one.

“I never got a tattoo because I didn’t want one. I like that I can wear short sleeve shorts to work,” said store supervisor Michelle Pickford. “Now they’re saying I actually have to go out and get a long-sleeve shirt, or get tattooed? It’s ridiculous. I made a life choice to not get a tattoo. What does that have to do with what kind of worker I am?”

“Personally, I think it’s the best damn thing any company has ever done for its employees,” said Joe Goldsmith, a stock supervisor at the Whole Foods store in Brockton, Massachusetts. “I’m covered in tattoos from my neck down to my wrists, and I’ve been stuck wearing long sleeve, turtleneck shirts my entire 4 years at Whole Foods. This is going to make next summer the best summer I’ve ever had working here.”

Whole Foods says that their new tattoo policy goes into effect starting August 1st. Per their current handbook, visible piercings are still forbidden.

TVs ‘Dr. Phil’ Comes Out As Homosexual

Posted on July 16, 2014 by JP

BEVERLY HILLS, California –

A familiar face for daytime television has made an announcement that has set a shock to his millions of loyal viewers. Popular television host Phil McGraw, also known as Dr. Phil, announced early Tuesday morning that he is gay, and that he couldn’t keep the secret in any longer.

Dr.Phil first made his appearance on television on the very popular Oprah Winfrey show, and over time became one of her favorite guests. The appearances on her show eventually led to McGraw landing him his own television show, and the program has been running strong ever since.

McGraw has a way of getting the brutal truth out of people and calling out cowards that hide behind their lies. His forceful attitude and completely stringent, no B.S. attitude has made his program very popular in the ratings for a daytime television show.

For a while Dr.Phil has been quite the celebrity, appearing on different television shows while still racking in viewers on his own program. The hype of his show has cooled off a bit over time, but he still airs his show in syndication throughout the country.

Even with his immense popularity, questions are certainly arising as to why he has chosen to ‘come out’ at this point in his life and career, seemingly announced out of nowhere, throwing a ripple through his home life. McGraw has been married to wife Robin Jameson since 1976.

“I spend most of my days getting the truth from my guests, and all this time I was lying to myself.” said McGraw. “I’ve always known, and I didn’t want to disturb the life of my family and friends. I wasn’t sure how the public would take it after my fame, so I kept it inside to keep things calm. Then one day recently I woke up and looked myself in the mirror, I said ‘You like kissing men, looking at them naked…guess what buddy, you’re a homosexual!'”

McGraw’s wife Robin is reportedly seeking religious guidance for her husband, as well as possibly checking him into a sexual re-orientation clinic.

“We’ll get him back on the straight path, all puns intended.” Said Jameson. “Phil is a loving man, and I stand by him and his decisions, even though they are completely disgusting in the eyes of the Lord. If he can’t help his needs, we’ll just spend all of the millions of dollars he’s made trying to cure him. It’s possible with God.”

McGraw himself continues to work on his program, Dr. Phil, and says he has no desire to change anything about his chosen career.

“It’s just freeing to finally be me, you know?” said McGraw.

It’s Official: ‘Breaking Bad’ Movie To Hit The Big Screen Next Summer

Posted on July 16, 2014 by JP

HOLLYWOOD, California –

One of the highest rated and most popular television shows in history is set to take make a return, but not in the way you may think. It has finally been announced that the hit show Breaking Bad will be jumping to the big screen next summer.

Breaking Bad was the hit AMC TV show about a struggling high school chemistry teacher who turns to a life of crime selling methamphetamines after a diagnosis of inoperable lung cancer.

Rumors sparked left and right after actor Bryan Cranston had made a few comments about how the show ended. Fans online have talked about it happening, and everyone was hoping that it would come to fruition, but the studio and several people involved in the show initially denied the rumors.

“We were told to keep as quiet as possible about it,” said Cranston, who although known for TV shows like Malcolm in the Middle, shot to fame after Breaking Bad became a ratings smash. “The cat is out of the bag, as it were. We started shooting the movie about 2 weeks ago in Albuquerque.”

With news of the film breaking, movie theaters around the country have already begun to pre-sell tickets, the first time in history that a pre-sale has begun before the film has actually been completed. Normally, a theatre will pre-sell a week or two before an anticipated big movie is released. For Breaking Bad, they know they had to start now, almost a year in advance.

“We are talking about one of the biggest shows in the history of TV.” Said Regal Cinemas chairman Mark Landry. “As soon as it became confirmed that the movie had been green-lit, we gave the okay to our theatre managers to begin selling tickets.”

Filming is underway, but unfortunately it is a closed-set, and no other information – including the plot of the movie, timeline, or which characters will appear.

TMZ reporters questioned actor Aaron Paul, who played Jesse on the hit show, as he was leaving a Hollywood restaurant, and when asked about a Breaking Bad movie he seemed confused.

“The is the first I’ve heard of it,” said Paul. “Apparently I’ve got some phone calls to make.”

Production on the the Breaking Bad movie is scheduled to run through the end of October, with the film slated for a Memorial Day 2015 release.