Chemist Stephanie Kwolek To Be Buried In Kevlar Casket

WILMINGTON, Delaware – Empire-News-Stephanie-Kwolek-Buried-In-Kevlar-Casket-Coffin

Stephanie Kwolek, the famed chemist who invented kevlar, died earlier this week at age 90. Over 50 years ago while working for DuPont Chemicals, Kwolek invented the solution that could be spun into the exceptionally strong fibers that are now used worldwide in police and military protective equipment. Her last request was that she be buried in a coffin made of the material that made her famous.

“Policemen and women around the world have been made safer from kevlar for years.” Said Kwolek in an interview only a few short months ago. “When I die, I want to have them make my casket out of kevlar, so that I can be protected in the afterlife.”

The DuPont corporation has fronted the entire cost for Kwolek’s funeral, including building a custom casket designed especially for Kwolek.

“We want Mrs. Kwolek to rest comfortably, and we are going to follow her wishes.” Said Ellen Kullman, chairman of DuPont Chemicals. “It’s the least we could do for a woman who brought so much to our company and to the safety of people throughout the world.”

Kwolek’s casket is being designed by DuPont’s top engineers, and will feature a body made entirely of spun kevlar, and adorned with 14k gold handles. She is also being buried wearing a bulletproof vest and full kevlar body armor.

“You never know what may come for you in the afterlife.” Said Kwolek. “I’m going to be ready for whatever the next realm throws my way.”

PETA Goes Directly To Source, Pays Poachers For Videos Of Animal Abuse

NORFOLK, Virginia – Empire-News-PETA-Goes-Directly-To-Source-Pays-Poachers-For-Videos-Of-Animal-Abuse

PETA, also known as “People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals,” has landed itself in some hot water today over allegations that the group has had their hand in poaching, dog fighting, and animal smuggling.

Ingrid Newkirk, founder of PETA, has allegedly started reaching out to illegal animal groups around the world, asking them for photographic and video of their crimes – not to use as evidence against them, but for use in her group’s campaign to help save all animals.

“People really need the shock value of the dismembered elephants, dogs from a dog fighting ring, or kittens in a bag to really understand that this stuff is happening.  They can’t just read it, they have to watch a three hour video showing how they get wool for UGG boots.”  Newkirk stated vehemently.  “Recently I come across better ways of acquiring these pictures.  Straight from the source if you will, nothing illegal, but definitely something a lot of people should know about.”

“Personally, I find the way we’re getting our new material to be much easier.” Says co-founder Alex Pacheco. “She [Newkirk] definitely has a flair for the dramatic, and you can’t argue with the results.”

Pacheco says that in the past, they would get people who were part of the PETA cause to work jobs in meat packing plants or other major industries that deal with animals, mostly in the food industry, and have them secretly videotape the  horrible treatment animals were enduring. As incoming funds and donations have slowed over the last few years, they don’t have the money to hire “field workers” as often, especially with the incredibly large salaries the PETA board members take every year.

“Ingrid makes at least triple what I do, and I make around $2 million dollars a year.” Said Pacheco.  “With the incredible amount of money that people donate to PETA dwindling year after year, it was time we made a change on how we got our information, and our sources. We want to keep the word strong, and we’ll do whatever we have to do to keep that happening.”

When asked if they thought that there were less donations coming in because of the recent recession, and people more worried about where their next meal might come from than whether African Rhinos were being poached for their horns, Pacheco had a different angle

“I think that people just are starting to care less about animals these days. We’ve been around a very long time. Don’t you think the people who donate would catch on to the fact that we haven’t done that much good?  I mean, Seaworld is still around, people still torture animals and post the videos to YouTube.  We really haven’t done all that much when you look at the big picture, but still the money comes. Slowly, maybe, but it’s coming. Hell,  I only stay because of that massive paycheck I was telling you about. Damn, that’s a great deal!”

PETA members say that they aren’t worried about what the higher-ups are doing to get their information, and that the only thing that matters is getting people to notice, and pay attention to their cause.

“I remember this one time, we took this fat, sweaty, gross-looking woman, had her on her hands and knees, completely nude, and chained her up in a tiny pig cage.” Said Miranda Charles, a PETA advocate and frequent protest leader for the group. “It was to show the plight of the poor pigs when they are on their way to get slaughtered, and the horrible tortures they must endure.  I can’t believe this woman was down for it. It’s really amazing what you can convince people to do if you just say it’s part of a great thing.”

“I just feel like the more information we put out there, the more people will pay us to give them that information.  The idea is to educate, but we can’t do that for free.”  Newkirk said.  “It’s for the better of animal-kind to stop these horrid acts, and I’ll eat the flesh directly off a dog’s ass if it means he won’t be put into a fighting ring.”

CDC Blames Anti-Vaxxers For Massive Resurgence of Whooping Cough

LOS ANGELES, California – empire-cdc-blames-anti-vaxxers-for-whooping-cough-epidemic

Pertussis, also known as whooping cough, has made a hefty resurgence lately, infecting people on epidemic proportions.  Whooping cough, while not generally serious in adults, can be very deadly in infants and toddlers. The CDC has stated that they are blaming the anti-vaccination movement for the recent outbreaks of mumps, measles, and now Pertussis, across the United States.

“It’s amazing to me, with all the scientific proof debunking the whole vaccination-causes-autism issue, and all of the other  issues people are saying vaccinations cause, that people still refuse to vaccinate their children.” Said Thomas Frieden, Director of the CDC, in a recent interview. “Herd immunity, as it were, only works when 80% of the herd is vaccinated. The less people vaccinate, the more they expose everyone.  These ‘anti-vaxxers’ need to stop living in the past, and read a science journal or book once in a while. And I don’t mean one written by Jenny McCarthy.”

“The problem with vaccines is that they are made with, um… heavy metals.”  Says pop icon Adam Levine, a proponent of the anti-vaccination movement, who speaks on the topic as though he has no idea what he’s talking about.  “I don’t have kids, but if I did I would make damn sure I didn’t let a doctor stick them with that poison.  I would rather take my chances than hurt my hypothetical kids.”

When asked where he got his information on the topic, which is completely made up, Levine said that he got it when he read Jenny McCarthy’s book.

“It was extremely eye-opening.” Said Levine. “It kept me up at night, scared that I might have kids someday, and they might get vaccinated, and they might get autism.”

“The problem I have with people reading Mrs. McCarthy’s book is that some people who read it are stupid enough to believe it. The ‘science’ she quoted was debunked years ago, and the man who did the actual ‘research’ was stripped of his licenses for falsifying his stats and making fraudulent claims.” Says Frieden.  “These people need to realize the only way to significantly deter these diseases from spreading is by vaccinating, both themselves and their children.  I am the director of the freaking CDC for crying out loud. Who should you believe? It’s my job to deter epidemics and solve any national disease-related crisis. For some reason, there are still people who choose to believe an ex-softcore porn star, with no scientific or medial training, who uses her autistic child as a scapegoat and rallying point, over me and other medical experts.”

With the rise of the anti-vaxxers reaching extremely high proportions, the fright of a looming epidemic will always be on our horizons.

“[Adam] Levine was right on several counts. He might have kids, and they might get autism after he possibly gets them vaccinated. Then again, on that logic, he might have kids, and they might get a splinter and he might not do anything about it and it might become infected and his child might die.” Said Frieden.  “The funny thing is, that is more likely to happen than his child having autism from vaccinations. Hopefully people will come to their senses and realize even if there were problems with the vaccines, which there aren’t,  it would be less of a risk than your child dying from some other entirely unrelated disease.”

 

 

Go Ask Allison: My Mother-in-Law Tried To Sleep With My Father At My Wedding

DEAR ALLISON,

Sometimes I think my step-mother really holds me back from having any fun. If I ask her if it’s okay to go to movies with friends, she won’t let me unless I do something for her, like the dishes or mow the lawn or any number of other household chores. I am the only one that she makes do this – my two step-brothers and my step-sister get to go out and do whatever they want. Why does she make me do things but they never have to?

-CRYING in COLORADO

Dear Crying,

You don’t have to be such a crybaby, you know. Just do the damn dishes, and then you can go hang out with friends or go to the movies. Your step-mother is letting her kids do things without “paying her” for them because they are the fruit of her loins. Since you were ejected from some other woman’s lovehole, she’s more than likely making you pay for it. No step-mother has ever liked her step-children. Haven’t you ever seen Cinderella? Your best bet is to hurry up and turn 18, so you can tell her exactly where to go, and exactly how to get there.

DEAR ALLISON,

I hate it when people spoil the endings of my favorite TV shows or movies I haven’t seen on social media. Simple question, but how do I get people to stop talking about things before I see them?!

-UGH in UTAH

Dear Ugh,

First, let me congratulate you on coming up with the worst damn pseudonym that I’ve ever seen. “Ugh?” Oh God, you must be 12. Anyway, this might come as a surprise to you, but you could, you know, get the hell off the internet once in a while. You could also stop worrying about TV and movies getting spoiled for you, because they’re just entertainment, and if knowing who died on last night’s episode of Game of Thrones before you’ve had a chance to watch it is ruining your life, I think you’re going to have much, much bigger problems in life the older you get. Good luck in life, Ugh. You’re definitely going to need it.

DEAR ALLISON,

I got married last week, and my mother-in-law got completely hammered drunk at the wedding. Long story short, she ended up hitting on my still-very-married father. It made my mother extremely upset, and now my husband’s family and my family will have nothing to do with each other. What can I do to reconcile this whole ordeal?
-TOASTED in TULSA

Dear Toasted,

Who cares if your families can’t get along? Do they really have to have anything to do with each other? My husband hasn’t spoken to my side of the family since the wedding four years ago, and he’s never been happier. In case you didn’t know this, in-laws have never gotten along with their son or daughter’s significant other. Or you could play it the complete opposite way and try and get your parents divorced so you can hook up your father and mother-in-law. It could be one big, happy family. It’s really your call. Either way, people do stupid things when drunk. If your mother doesn’t know that, she must be a complete and total stick in the ass…or mud. Whatever floats your boat.

 

You can email your questions for a future column to AskAllisonAnything@gmail.comGo Ask Allison‘s weekly column is published every Monday exclusively by Empire News.

 

Several Banks Looking To Impose Negative Interest Rates On Customers

NEW YORK CITY, New York – Empire-News-Several-Banks-Looking-To-Impose-Negative-Interest-Rates-On-Customers

Several national banks have begun looking into the possibility of charging a negative interest rate on all accounts, both check and savings, to all their accountholders.

UE Bank, one of the nation’s largest private banking firms, was the first to implement the change to their customers’ accounts, and since then several other large banks, including Bank of The United States, C.J. Manhattan, Wells-Fortune United, and CitiCorp have all started looking into changing their interest rates to negative amounts as well.

“What this means for our customer is that instead of us paying you a few pennies a month to hold your money, you pay us instead.” Said Maxwell Chase, CEO of UE Banks. “A normal interest rate is about .08%, so you know, it’s not like you’re earning much anyway. We [banks] are taking all the risk holding onto your money. We have to insure it and all that. Heck, we could get robbed! It’s high risk handling cash. So we decided that on top of our normal banking fees, we’ll now start implementing a -.08% interest rate, so every month you give us just a small taste of your account balance, and we’ll promise to keep it safe and working for you.”

Naturally, banking customers are furious over this new change started by UE, and customers from other banking institutions are already protesting by removing their cash and closing accounts.

“I got hit one day with a $48 fee because I was over-drafted by eleven cents.” Said Chris Sharpe, a longtime customer of Wells-Fortune United. “I went in to talk to them about it, and they wouldn’t do a thing for me. Not a damn thing. I’ve been a customer for over 20 years, and never had any other incidents, and they just shut me down. I should have left then. I tell you what, if they’re going to charge me to hold onto my money, I’m taking it out right now. My mattress will hold my cash for free!”

Sharpe isn’t the only person to complain about banking fees, with many other customers of several banks saying they experienced similar problems.

“I was a customer at UE for about 4 years. I had my identity stolen through PayPal or eBay, and it charged my card about $200.” Said Francis Miller. “I asked them to reverse the charges, and they wouldn’t, saying I had to prove that it wasn’t me. How can I prove that it wasn’t me who did something? It cost me the $200, plus another $45 a day in overdraft fees. After about 2 weeks, it was all figured out. They took care of the $200, but those overdraft fees? Yup, I still owed them. I hate banks.”

“That’s not an uncommon feeling.” Said Professor Richard Kim, a financial advisor and teacher at Columbia University. “These banks, they charge what I call ‘fictional fees.’ There is no reason they need to charge you hundreds of dollars for over-drafting a small amount. All that money, it’s completely digital – completely fake, if you will. They have every ability to wipe away whatever they want, but they’d rather just try and force people to pay for something that they don’t rightfully owe.”

With most banks starting their new fiscal year on July 1st, it’s possible that these new negative interest rates could be implemented this year. So far, only the five major banks mentioned here have begun to look into the option, but Professor Kim warns all banking customers to keep an eye on their institution’s interest rates and fees.

“They change these things on a whim, always.” Said Kim. “Keep your eye on the big guys!”

Slenderman Research Shows Sightings Throughout History

WASHINGTON, D.C. –  Empire-News-Slenderman-Research-Shows-Sightings-Throughout-History

Slenderman, a noted internet sensation, has lately become the subject of severe scrutiny, due to a rash of killings and attacks where the offender has blamed their actions on the supposedly fictional meme.

In the past few weeks, there have been at least three crimes linked to Slenderman.  In the first attack, two 12 year-old Wisconsin girls allegedly stabbed a friend 19 times, saying they did it “to honor Slenderman.”  In a violent murder involving a man who killed two police officers and another person before ultimately killing himself, it was noted that the killer would often dress up as Slenderman.  Most recently, a Cincinnati mother is convinced that her daughter was influenced by Slenderman to attack her in their home with a knife.

John Gray, director at the National Museum of American History, has reported some astonishing new facts involving the Slenderman.  “There has been so much talk of this character lately, so much mystery surrounding what is supposedly only a new thing, an internet meme, I really wanted to go back and look into it a little further.”

Gray says that after the stories of Slenderman hit the news in recent weeks, it inspired him to go back and re-read some of the stories and articles about people who survived the attacks on the World Trade Center.

“Reading some of the reports from people who got out of the buildings at the time, some told of pretty frightening stuff about a spectral figure, standing with arms open.  They all described him the same way: featureless face, tall and skinny, and wearing all black or an all black suit.”

These astonishing finds persuaded Gray to continue his reasearch.  He went further back in history to see if he could find any retelling of stories that included a similar man of shape and stature.

“I figured I was nuts.  I did my research, and knew that this Slenderman was an internet mock-up of something that was supposed to be scary, and Eric Knudesn only created him in 2009.  So you can imagine how shocked I was to see that similar entities to the Slenderman actually were fairly deep-seeded in the history of our country, as well as the world.”

Gray enlisted friend and noted writer and researcher Dr. Michael Enslin to help him trace back any accounts of Slenderman that could be found.

“I discovered many stories about WWII in which as the bombs were dropping, people were being corralled by a large light skinned man with dull, almost non-existent features, who drew them towards death by opening his arms.” Said Dr. Enslin. “Most of the people killed in the stories were children. I was awestruck.”

There pair found other similar stories linked to World War II, but it also seems to play out the same in other wars throughout history.

“Another story we discovered was about Vietnam, where Americans were firebombing fields and a similar situation happened,” said Gray. “Slenderman, or at least a figure similarly described, was seen almost corralling people to him, offering what seemed like solace in the crazy time.  Of course the solace was a lie; all of the people were killed in the attacks.”

With these two huge connections to Slenderman, Gray and Dr. Enslin decided to take it even further back, to see how deep into history they could find reference to the same specter.

“We dusted off old books, and we went as far back as resources allowed, to the mid 1400’s – when Vlad Dracul III reigned in Wallachia.” Said Dr. Enslin. “We found translated letters that sent shivers down our spine.”

We killed 23,884 Turks, without counting those whom we burned in homes, or the ones whose heads were cut by our soldiers.” The letters read. “We also failed to count the ones taken by The Tall Man, who lured the peasants to us, arms outstretched. He brought us souls, and took many himself.

“It’s a nightmare,” said Gray. “I wish I’d never started this research. If this has been happening this long, then it could go on forever.”

Is A “Running Man” TV Show In Our Future?

Empire-News-Is-A-Running-Man-TV-Show-In-Our-Future-Op-EdThe World Cup is underway in one of the most notorious countries in the world for sports based murders, Brazil.  The opening ceremonies were beautiful until they were scarred by riots and tear gas.  People are upset about how much Brazil is paying out to put on the World Cup, and they showed their anger with riots and car tipping.  With that minor hiccup over, the World Cup was well underway.  The first game went off without a hitch and everything was beautiful – and then came the second game.  Tensions were high with the buzzers and spinning-horn things sounding in unison.  Like a firework, the game was off with a bang.

The sportsmanship didn’t last long, however.  Call after call, the referees kept making shaky calls about sides and unsportsmanlike conduct.  The last straw soon came.  The whistle blew, the red card flew, and the stands emptied.  With a quickness the crowds rushed the field only to be met by SWAT teams with batons and shields.  The shields and batons were of little use against the 100,000+ people storming towards them like a giant tidal wave.  Swiftly the crowd swept up the referee.  Just as quickly as they grabbed him, they started cutting. Just as quickly as they started cutting, it was over.  Pieces of referee were flying through the crowd.

In that brief few minutes of horror, no single televised event, scripted or otherwise has ever achieved a ratings spike like that.  The media quickly grabbed that clip and went running mad with it.  Their ratings soon spiked as well.  Sports networks did the same, and again the same happened.  This is when Dough Herzog, President of Viacom Media Networks had an Epiphany.

“I figured with all the hype these clips are getting, and all the hype MMA, WWE, and all the war footage gets, this was the next logical step.”  Herzog said.  “If we can show these atrocities on television, why couldn’t we show it with willing participants?”  He then threw his idea into the water to see if it would get any nibbles.  “SpikeTV, MTV, and FX all wanted a piece of this pie. We decided to settle on SpikeTV – a real man’s-man kind of network. That’s who this new show is going to appeal to the most.”

The show Herzog was talking about was a “Running Man” like game show, where contestants (death row inmates, or inmates that have committed serious crimes) have to work together to solve a series of puzzles, all while being stalked by “The Hunters.”

“The Hunters were my idea.” Herzog gloatingly stated.  “I love the idea of an ominous enemy that is looming around every corner.”  Herzog himself formed a committee to find these “Hunters”.  He acquired a mercenary group from deep in the heart of South Africa who used to hunt poachers, and kill smugglers of diamonds.  “These people are ruthless.  You show them the beheading footage and they just eat breakfast and make jokes about other things.  Totally jaded.”

Unfortunately for the inmates involved, if they win they do not get a full pardon, as portrayed in the Running Man and other similar film rip-offs.  They do however get to live the rest of their days out in lavish luxury in a Camp Cupcake style penitentiary, still maximum security.  “Still, that lifestyle change is worth almost dying, and potentially killing for, after living in the squalor that is the American Prison System.” Herzog said.  “Everyone we have surveyed except a select few believe that this entertainment would be amazing, and totally worth DVR-ing.”

The as-yet-untitled show will air on SpikeTV sometime next year, assuming that Viacom can work out legal details with the prison system and inmates. So far, there does not seem to be any pushback from Merl Johnson, the Chairman of the Federal Board of Prisons, who would be working with Viacom and producers to choose inmates for the show.

It seems that we are on the dawn of a new day, and the new day will be televised murder – with prizes!

Alien Life-Form Discovered In Pennsylvania

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania- Alien-Life-Form-Discovered-Found-in-Pennsylvania

Over the weekend of June 7th, an interesting discovery was made by Pittsburgh native Devon Shaffer, 28. Mr. Shaffer was emptying out the trash during his shift at the Pasta Too Restaurant in North Side Pittsburgh when he found something in the leftover pierogi grease that has put the scientific community on its head.

“Well, it was ‘round ’bout 8 o’clock, and I was taking the trash out for Jimmy on account of his bum knee. I tossed the bag up in da dumpster and awnest ta God I ’bout crapped myself when I seen it. There was like one of dem coral things like what you find over at Myrtle Beach or something, just layin’ there in some of dat old pierogi oil!”

Excited over the oddity, Devon took the object into the restaurant to share with his co-workers.

“I was like, yuz guys ain’t gonna believe this. Jimmy took one look at it an’ was all ‘You need ta take that ova to Marty at the aquarium!’ so I did.”

Shaffer took his discover to Dr. Martin Steinbeck at the PPG Aquarium in Pittsburgh. Over the course of the weekend, Dr. Steinbeck ran tests on the specimen to figure out what the object was, and hopefully discover its mystery.

“This is not a piece of coral, at least not as we know it.” Said Dr. Steinbeck. “Regular, everyday coral exists in the ocean as a living organism, it’s this hard coral that we see most often. They have a ‘skeleton’ or shell made out of calcium carbonate, and some softer corals don’t form a skeleton at all. The piece that Mr. Shaffer brought me looks very much like a regular hard coral, but there is an absence of that calcium carbonate in its make-up. After running tests on it, I discovered that his specimen was building its skeleton out of the peanut oil used to fry the perogies at Pasta Too. This means that not only is this a new species, but the fact that it can react with proteins in oil this means that its DNA is fundamentally different, alien from anything we’ve ever encountered on Earth.”

The news has created a stir in the scientific communtiy, with several labs requesting samples of the specimen from both Dr. Steinbeck and Mr. Shaffer for further analysis.  Steinbeck has said he no longer has the specimen in his possession, as when news broke of the discovery government officials took ownership and brought it in for their own research.

Woman Gives Birth, Confuses Doctors By Asking For Maternity Test

BILOXI, Mississippi – http://i.huffpost.com/gen/1301903/thumbs/r-174342530-large570.jpg?6

A Biloxi woman gave birth to a baby boy late Friday evening, and confused doctors by immediately asking for a maternity test. Sarah Keller, 26, said that she didn’t believe that she was the mother of the baby, and wanted a maternity test to prove that she wasn’t.

“My boyfriend and I always use condoms, or he pulls out. There’s no way that I’m the mother.” said Keller. “I thought that Joe had been cheating on me, and now I can get all the proof I need.”

Keller said that her boyfriend, Joe Camden, also 26, and her had been together for 4 years and had never even had a pregnancy scare before she found out she was pregnant last November. When she got the news, Keller said she became  enraged, and told Camden that she knew he had been sleeping around.

“I don’t know why she thinks I’ve been cheatin’.” Said Camden. “I’ve been as faithful to her as eggs are to chickens.”

Through an odd series of events, testing done by the hospital actually showed that Camden was not the father of the baby. When the hospital told her the news, Keller seemed confused.

“That’s not possible. He’s definitely the father.” Said Keller. “I screwed around with a few guys when Joe and I was on a little ‘break’ we took last year. But them guys weren’t my boyfriends, so they couldn’t have gotten me pregnant.”

Doctors calmly explained to Keller how reproduction worked, and that it was impossible that she wasn’t the mother. They then immediately contacted the Mississippi State Child Welfare Department. They also reached out to eight men who Keller reluctantly named as the ones she had been with while temporarily separated from Camden. They hope to discover true paternity in the next few weeks.

Man Shoots Off His Own Foot During Open Carry Texas Rally

TEMPLE, Texas – Empire-News-Man-Shoots-Off-Foot-During-Open-Carry-Texas-Rally

Carl Bellows of Temple, Texas was taken to the hospital during an “Open Carry Texas” demonstration on Thursday afternoon after almost completely severing his foot when he accidentally discharged his AK-47.

Bellows was reportedly standing with another member of the Open Carry Texas movement during the rally, and they were both “talking excitedly, and [Bellows] was jumping up and down – really getting pumped up” said a witness to the accident.

“His gun just went off, and blasted him right in the foot. Those machine guns, man, they pack a wallop. His entire foot was pretty much obliterated.” Said the witness. “It was a real mess. Kind of like spaghetti and meatballs or something. That look. Anyway, I just thank God I wasn’t any closer. I might have been a casualty of progress, or something.”

Open Carry Texas is a group of gun-toting men and women so crazy in their belief in the 2nd Amendment that even the NRA, a group widely known for their hard-fought belief in guns and gun ownership, called them “downright scary.”

“This incident at the OCT rally, it only proves our point.” Said James W. Porter II, President of the NRA. “We like guns. Hell, we love guns, obviously. ‘From our cold, dead hands,’ and all that nonsense. But these people…These [Open Carry Texas] members are just out of their [expletive] minds. They’re seriously the worst kind of crazy. Just because we [NRA members] love owning guns, doesn’t mean we go out and show off our bazookas while getting our morning coffee.”

Open Carry Texas aimed their sights back at the NRA recently in a Facebook post, saying that the NRA doesn’t really know what their group even stands for.

The NRA has refused to learn for themselves how Open Carry Texas conducts itself other than what the liberal media and Bloomberg-funded gun control extremists have falsely portrayed.” Said the OCT in their post.

Bellows and his foot are not the first major casualties of the OCT’s war on showing off their weaponry. Recently several restaurant chains in Texas have placed restrictions on firearms being brought into their locations, including Sonic, Chipotle, Chili’s, Starbucks, Wendy’s, Jack in the Box, and Applebee’s.

“No skin off my ass.” Said Bill Wallace, a member of the Austin chapter of Open Carry Texas. “If the damn Wendy’s don’t want me bringing in my assault rifles when I get my chili, then to hell with ’em. I just won’t buy their chili. I have every right to carry around a damn AR-15 if I want, and ain’t no damn fast-fooders (sic) gonna tell me I can’t.”

“What these Open Carry people don’t understand, is that they’re scaring people.” Said Michelle White, a resident of Temple. “I like guns. I’ve shot guns, and I grew up around them. I’m not anti-gun. But I don’t need to stop by the pharmacy to pick up my kid’s medicine and see some guy with a high-powered rifle strapped to his back. There have been a dozen shootings across the country in the last couple months. It just hits a raw nerve to see someone carrying like that in the open, on the streets. They’re not making any point carrying them around – unless you count looking like intimidating bullies with tiny [expletive] a point.”

At the time of this writing, no charges were being brought against Bellows for discharging his weapon in public, although police have said they will be looking into the legality and registration on all of his guns.

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