Police Forces Dwindle Across The Country As Violence Against Cops Continues

Posted on July 20, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

“I signed up to be a police officer the second I turned 18-years-old, and I thought I’d have this career forever, but there’s no way in hell I’m going to get shot over some bullshit,” said former policeman Joel Waives, 27. “I loved what I was doing, and it’s always been a dangerous job, but as a white guy with a badge, I’m not taking any chances that some hood will shoot me.”

Police Unions across the country have said that they are losing officers in record numbers, after several shootings across the country have led over 20 cops dead, all at the hands of violent criminals looking for “revenge” for shootings by police of civilians.

“The job is hard, and it’s definitely stressful. I’ve never had to pull out my gun before in over 30 years on the job, but this week alone I’ve had to pull it 16 times,” said police chief Mark Wallace. “It’s getting to the point where I don’t know if I’m going to make it home at night. It used to be that only big cities had shootings like this, but I’m in Des Moines. Why the hell should I have to worry about being shot by someone because they were driving over the speed limit?”

To counter the record number of people leaving the force, police unions have been looking to hire new recruits, with many offering new, better benefits.

“If you’re a racist who wants to carry a big gun and talk a big game, then by all means, please sign up,” said Wallace. “We need more people who aren’t afraid to pop a cap in a black man just because he’s wearing a hoodie. We can overcome this violence with more violence. There’s no other way.”

Pokemon Go Game Leads To 45 Car Pile-Up On Arizona Highway

Posted on July 20, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PHOENIX, Arizona –

A 46-year-old man, Nathan Winter, was charged with reckless endangerment and negligent homicide after he caused a 45 car pile-up while playing the popular cell phone game Pokemon Go.

Police say that Winter was not paying attention to the road and his attention was diverted as he tried to catch a Meowth while driving down the Phoenix I-75 highway when he rear-ended a Mack truck, causing a vicious accident that caused 4 deaths and countless injuries.

“In retrospect, it was a really bad idea,” said Winter, who says he had just downloaded the game earlier in the day. “My daughter was playing, and it seemed kind of fun, so I wanted to check it out, too. 3 hours of playing, and I was hooked. I was on my way home when my phone vibrated, and it said there was Meowth around. It happened to be right on the bumper of the eighteen wheeler in front of me. Sadly, I wasn’t paying attention, and slammed right into it trying to catch him.”

Police say that the Pokemon Go game has become extremely viral, and although has caused several injuries from people not paying attention to their surroundings while playing, this is the first case of major death. Nintendo, who is the company behind the game, could not be reached for comment.

Terrorists Sending People Infected With ‘Black Death’ To U.S. As Form of Chemical Warfare

Posted on June 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The CDC has released a warning for doctors to screen patients with flu-like symptoms for the pneumonic plague, after ISIS has threatened biological warfare.

The disease, caused by a bacterium called Yersinia pestis, most often is transmitted to humans through rodent flea bites or by handling infected animals. Pneumonic plague differs from bubonic plague in its symptoms and the fact that it can be spread through the air rather than just by contact.

Unlike bubonic plague, pneumonic plague can be spread from person to person. According to the CDC, “Pneumonic plague affects the lungs and is transmitted when a person breathes in Y. pestis particles in the air.”

Usually associated with the massive waves of “black death” that swept across Europe during the Middle Ages, the plague still occurs occasionally in the United States, though it is treatable with modern antibiotics.

Although the disease is treatable, terrorists may try to catch people off guard. Pneumonic plague is one of the most pathogenic microbes in the world. Symptoms are sudden and similar to a violent flu, followed by lessions in the groin, armpit, and neck lessons. Eventually the fingers and toes turn black from lack of circulation followed by uncontrollable seizures and death within 36 hours. The CDC advises anyone with these symptoms insist they are tested for pneumonic plague.

Aspartame Addicts Brow Beat Pepsi Into Bringing Back The Artificial Sweetener

Posted on June 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Diet Pepsi’s divorce from artificial sweetener aspartame didn’t last long. Customers who swear they can taste the difference between the old and new diet Pepsi demanded they bring back aspartame, and fearing they will lost sales to Coke, PepsiCo has complied.

PepsiCo said Monday that it would reintroduce a version of Diet Pepsi made with aspartame, which it had abandoned last year following public pressure over questions about the sweetener’s health effects.

Long time diet Pepsi drinking Irwin Erwin wrote multiple letters demanding the return of his favorite drink. “These health nuts are taking away everything good in America. So what if aspartame causes cancer? Everything causes cancer these days. If I want to drink my diet Pepsi, while smoking a cigarette and eating a pack of nitrate laden hot dogs, that’s my right as an American.”

The new offering, sweetened with aspartame and Ace-K, will be called Diet Pepsi Classic Sweetener Blend and will be offered in 12-packs, 2-liter bottles and 20-ounce bottles. Diet Pepsi sweetened with sucralose and Ace-K — the version that replaced the aspartame kind in summer 2015 — will remain as Pepsi’s primary calorie-free cola, including in fountain drinks.

Amazon Breaking Into Alcohol Sales Using New Dash Button

Posted on June 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SEATTLE, Washington –

Amazon’s one-click Dash program will soon be expanding, including an option to order Pabst Blue Ribbon. The retail giant will be adding “dozens of new brands” to the service, which already offers a wide range of items from toilet paper and diapers to drinks and pet food.

Introduced last March, the Dash button was designed to offer faster, simpler ordering for members of its $99-per year Amazon Prime service. As opposed to opening up Amazon on a computer or phone, users would order a Dash button and then simply press it to reorder that particular item. In the year since the company first announced the product, Dash has grown to include over 100 brands. To celebrate the product’s one year anniversary the company in March added several big names. Among them: Brawny, Charmin, Clorox, Doritos, Energizer, Lysol, Peet’s Coffee, Playtex, Purina, Red Bull, Starbucks, Trojan, and Vitamin Water.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is particularly excited about the new beer option. “Dash for Pabst Blue Ribbon is going to save lives, especially in areas with same day delivery. No longer will alcoholics have to drive to the liquor store. They’ll order discounted cases from us, and when they’re getting low, all they need to do is hit a button.”

Class Action Suit Being Filed Against Starbucks For Ripping Off Customers

Posted on June 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Starbucks has been accused of ripping customers off by under-filling customers’ cups, and a class action suit will press for damages. If successful anyone who purchased Starbucks between 2011-2016 will be able to claim free products or receive a cash refund of an undetermined amount. According to the suit, customers have been ripped off up to three ounces per cup, due to intentional underfill.

Outraged customer Lillith Grace says she feels entitled to a cash reward. “Starbucks sizes have a corresponding ounce equivalent. If you’re not getting it, you’re being ripped off. If you pay for something and don’t get it, you should be compensated.”

Other customers disagree with the suit. “I’ve experienced this problem and I solved it by taking the drink back to the barista and asking for more coffee to be added since the drink was almost half foam. It’s sad that this constitutes a problem in America. I doubt people in other countries are worried about too much foam in their coffee drinks,” says Chris Tibette.

A former employee, Melody Joy says the cups are underfilled to prevent spillage. “I worked for Starbucks and we left the room in the cups so the drinks are not so easily spilled. Starbucks would be sued if they filled them to the brim and people got burnt or ruined their clothes. Variables such as cream or foam require room to be left at the top to add them. Without that space it makes it impossible for the customer to handle their drink if it’s too full. If your cup isn’t full enough tell the barista at that time!”

Overturning Of Texas Abortion Law Brings Rise In Old Fashioned Coat Hanger Abortions

Posted on June 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DALLAS, Texas –

Old fashioned coat-hanger abortions will be legal in Texas once again, after the Supreme Court delivered its most significant ruling on abortion in a generation Monday, striking down restrictions on Texas clinics and doctors that had created roadblocks for thousands of women and giving abortion rights advocates hope of beating back similar laws in other states.

“We conclude that neither of these provisions offers medical benefits sufficient to justify the burdens upon access that each imposes,” Breyer wrote in his 40-page ruling. “Each places a substantial obstacle in the path of women seeking a pre-viability abortion, each constitutes an undue burden on abortion access … and each violates the federal Constitution.”

Proponents of the stricter laws said they did not intend to prevent abortions in Texas, only make them safer for women. “We wanted abortions to be restricted to surgical grade facilities, but pro-choice activists apparently don’t care if a woman gets an abortion with rusty unsterile tools or a coat hanger for that matter,” says Kyle DeLeon, a supporter of the tougher regulations.

Police Calling For Stricter Gun Control After Woman Shoots Intruder

Posted on June 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTLAND, Oregon –

Politicians say a recent incident where a woman shot an intruder in self defense is a case-in-point example of why there needs to be stricter gun control laws. A woman who returned to her Portland, Ore., home with her two children early Sunday morning shot and killed an intruder who was in the home, police said.

The woman, 33, found a stranger in the bedroom of one of her children about 1:45 a.m. PT Sunday. Police said the victim came home with her children ages 5 and 10, and armed with a handgun, she shot and killed the unknown 59-year-old man.

Police said the woman is cooperating with investigators and was not arrested. The investigation will determine whether she acted in self-defense and whether she will face charges.

Authorities say once the investigation is complete, it will be presented to the Multnomah County District Attorney’s Office for review.

An autopsy will be conducted Monday. The name of the man will not be released until his family is notified, police said.

Chief Luke Barkley says ordinary citizens should not take the law in their own hands. “The proper protocol would be to call 911 and wait for police to arrive. Don’t try to be a hero. This tragedy could have likely been avoided.”

No More Meat Loaf For Meatloaf

Posted on June 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Grammy-winning singer Meat Loaf is “responsive and recovering well” after fainting during a show in Edmonton, Canada, but those close to him say he will be forced to make major changes to his lifestyle. No red meat, no touring, and no sex are among the sacrifices Marvin Lee Aday will be forced to make.

The artist been feeling the strain of touring for years. Meat Loaf’s farewell tour was in 2013 when he said, ‘This time, they’re not going to rope me back in’.” The 68-year-old artist was diagnosed with an irregular heartbeat problem known as Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome after another onstage collapse in London in 2003. This disease is Associated with risk of sudden cardiac death.

One witness, Jamie Carriere, told CBC News Meat Loaf was performing his Grammy-winning song I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That) from the 1993 album as an encore when he collapsed.

“He fell … he just fell,” Carriere said. “You could hear the microphone just hit the ground.”

Meatloaf says he is willing to give up red meat. “I’ll do anything for my health, but I won’t give up steak. No I won’t do that.”

Could Denying Russians From Olympic Games Start Another War?

Posted on June 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil –

Analysts fear tensions with the Russians could lead to another war if the Russians are banned from participating in the Olympic games. The Russian sports minister says “up to 67 athletes” have applied to track and field’s world governing body to be exempted from the ban on the Russian team at the Rio de Janeiro Olympics

The IAAF is unlikely to approve most of the 67 athletes, since it has previously indicated the exemption is aimed at a small minority of athletes based abroad.

When a global governing body for sports barred Russia’s track and field team from the 2016 Summer Olympics on Friday over a wide-ranging doping scandal, it was greeted in Russia, as is with a deep sense of victimhood.

President Vladimir V. Putin of Russia called the decision “unjust, of course.”

Mr. Putin said, “Russia is strengthening antidoping controls and athletes should bear personal responsibility for using performance-enhancing drugs.” Punishing the whole team, he said, “doesn’t fit any norms of civilized behavior.”

Outside Russia, sporting officials viewed the unanimous decision as a long overdue restoration of some fairness in competitions. After all, in some sporting events Russian athletes had been trouncing competitors for years before it turned out they were using performance-enhancing drugs.