Anti-Circumcision Activist Forcibly Circumcised

Posted on May 25, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

A man who was in our nation’s capital protesting the circumcision of infants was reportedly attacked and forcibly circumcised himself, by an assailant that is being referred to as “very angry.”

“He came out of nowhere, out of the shadows, and he pulled me into an alley,” said the protestor, John Jacobs. “He whispered into my ear that ‘dicks should look good, asshole,’ and then he pulled my penis out and cut off the tip.”

Unfortunately for Jacobs, he was actually already circumcised, and the entire head of his penis was cut off.

“The guy was very angry that we were trying to make people stop cutting their babies, and I have no idea why,” said Jacobs. “I think that sometimes people are very passionate about things, and they don’t know how to handle it. Unfortunately, I may have lost my penis, but I feel no ill will. I just want this poor man found so he can get the help he needs.”

Hot Dogs Being Reevaluated by FDA As Possible Unsafe Food Item

Posted on May 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Multiple studies have determined that consumption of hot dogs can be a risk factor for childhood cancer, and now Dr. Roger Peters, head of food safety and science at UCLA is working with the FDA to determine whether or not hot dogs are safe for any consumption.

Peters studied the relationship between the intake of certain foods and the risk of leukemia in children from birth to age 10 in Los Angeles County between 1980 and 1987. The study found that children who ate more than twelve hot dogs per month had nine times the normal risk of developing childhood leukemia.

When he continued the study into adulthood, he found that nearly every single person that he tested had eaten a hot dog at least once in their life, and also had cancer.

“I believe that hot dogs are dangerous. They’re disgusting to taste, horrible to cook, and if you saw how they were made, you’d know never to eat them,” said Peters. “The fact that they cause cancer makes them even worse.”

Peters’ study will be published later this year in the Diary of Modern Medicine.

Teen Arrested For Threatening To Kill Parents After They Confiscate His Marijuana

Posted on May 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BRIDGETON, Delaware –

An 18 year old high school senior, Jack Cloutier, was arrested at his school, Madison Sr. High, after his parents filed criminal charges against him. He has been accused of telling his parents he would kill them, after they found and confiscated marijuana from his room and refused to return in.

“First he started dressing in all black. Then his grades started falling. His face began breaking out, and before we knew it he was lashing out at me and his father,” said Mary Cloutier, Jack’s mother. “Of course we knew he must be on drugs, because nothing else could turn out sweet baby boy into such a monster.”

Jack was being held on charges of attempted assault and criminal threatening. His parents say that they refused to return his marijuana because they had smoked it all themselves.

Organ-Stealing Group Of Thieves Moving Up and Down East Coast

Posted on May 24, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida –

A gang of blackmarket organs dealers have been roaming up and down the East coast, attacking and later killing people for their organs, which can be harvest in an illegal trade for thousands, and even hundreds of thousands, of dollars.

“They’re hard to track because they aren’t local and they aren’t predictable. They target teens and mature adults, but young organs fetch the highest price,” said police chief Oliver Nunez of Miami PD. “Thing is, we have no idea who they are, but we have taken in over 65 dead bodies so far, all of which have been completely drained of blood and had their organs removed.”

Miami police say that they are working with police departments as far north as Boston and even Portland, Maine. They say that the number of actual deaths so far could be as high as 300. They are advising people to not go outside wearing skimpy clothing that could make them an easier time for being cut open.

Sunscreen Is Causing People To Contract Cancer At Alarming Rates

Posted on May 23, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Lawyers are rushing to buy ad space to alert people of the opportunity to sue sunscreen manufacturers. According to recent research released by the FDA sunblock is causing cancer. Experts, like Dr. Oz say they warned consumers years ago. “You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t,” says Dr. Oz. “It’s either skin cancer or prostate and ovarian cancer. You can’t win.”

A legitimate doctor, Arthur Perry, M.D. explains how sunscreens cause cancer, “Chemical sunscreens don’t sit on the surface of the skin – they soak into it and quickly find their way into the bloodstream. That would be just fine if they were uniformly safe – but they’re not. There are 17 individual sunscreen ingredients that are FDA approved: 15 of these are clear chemicals that absorb UV light and two are made of minerals that reflect UV light. Of these 15, nine are known endocrine disruptors.

“The hormones most commonly disturbed are estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, and thyroid. Endocrine disruptors, like some ingredients in chemical sunscreens, can cause abnormal development of fetuses and growing children. They cause early puberty and premature breast development in girls, and small and undescended testicles in boys. They cause low sperm counts and infertility. Endocrine disruptors that act like estrogen can contribute to the development of breast and ovarian cancers in women, and other endocrine disruptors may increase the chance of prostate cancer in men.”

Attorney, Dave Mallard does not think there is enough evidence to win against sunscreen manufacturers. “It all balances out. Yes, it may cause one kind of cancer, but it prevents another. Quid pro quo.”

Fake Maple Syrup Found To Cause Cancer

Posted on May 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BRIGHTON, Iowa –

A new study performed on over 200 people found that fake maple syrup, the sugary-substance that can be purchased in grocery stores around the country, is causing cancer.

The study, which followed 100 people who ate real maple syrup every day on their pancakes, and another 100 who ate fake syrup such as Aunt Jemima. The 100 who ate the real syrup all contracted diabetes, but not a single one was found to have contracted cancer after 2 years of study. Of those who ate the fake syrup, 97 were found to have cancerous cells.

“It’s extremely amazing that this fake, sugary, blackened bottles of disgusting, fake syrup could be causing cancer, but based on our research, that’s exactly what is happening,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, who headed the study. “Now, we’re not saying that fake, sugary syrup is the cause of all cancers, because that would be getting ahead of ourselves, but what we’re saying is that is not out of the realm of possibilities.”

George Clooney Comes Out; Wife Amal Clooney Visibly Upset At Premiere

Posted on May 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Amal Clooney looked upset when her husband, George Clooney, came out to the Money Monster premier.

“Georgie looked nice, but as usual he was out-shined by his wife. She was positively glowing. Of course the dress did not flatter her baby bump at all,” said an onlooker at the premiere. “And she looked like she wanted to puke. I can’t believe Georgie dragged her out.”

George Clooney is reportedly ready for a family, being so old that it’s officially become a “now or never” situation.

Julia Roberts disagrees, saying she would not let George babysit her kids for any length of time. “He’s just a big baby himself,” says Roberts. “Luckily the Clooney family has more than enough money to hire a full time nanny. It’s such a delight to raise children with all the reward and none of the work.”

Mom Says Her Baby Is Reincarnation Of Jesus After Seeing Image Of Savior In Dirty Diaper

Posted on May 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SANTA VALARTE, Mexico –

Mary Flores claims Christ is born again, and it is her baby. She claims she has seen the sign of the Lord in her son’s dirty diaper. She immediately Snapchatted the cross of poo she found in her son’s diaper, where all her contacts proclaimed it a miracle. She has preserved the diaper in a display case, welcoming those who want to see the miracle.

Flores says, “I expect many will make a pilgrimage. Bring me gifts – I mean for my son. They will bring gifts to the baby Jesus.”

According to Flores, her first name is no coincidence. “God whispered the name Mary in my mother’s ear for a reason. He had a plan for me.”

The diaper has not yet been evaluated by anyone from the Vatican, but Flores hopes to have the Pope bless the poop.

A Pair Of Marilyn Monroe’s Panties Set To Be Auctioned

Posted on May 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

Jack Schlossberg, John F Kennedy’s grandson, is auctioning off a family heirloom: Marilyn Monroe’s Panties.

Monroe’s unmentionables are rumored to have been used to wipe up JFK’s semen. They were kept in a drawer until his death, when they were transferred to his brother, Ted Kennedy. After his timely death in 2009 the panties were bequeathed to Schlossberg.

“I honestly don’t have a use for them,” says Schlossberg. “Plus, every girl I sleep with begs me to try them on. ‘If you really liked me, you’d let me try on her panties!’ Hun, if I let every girl I liked try those on, they’d be tattered by now,” says the “heartthrob” of the Kennedy family. “Best thing to do is to just get rid of them. To be honest, they’re filthy anyway.”

The panties are expected to earn over $1 million at auction.

Kim Jong-Un Says Most Important Thing To Discuss With Trump Is ‘Mean Internet Memes’

Posted on May 22, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PYONGANG, North Korea –

Leader of North Korea says he accepts Trump’s request to talk to him, and would like to discuss suing the internet over offensive memes. Trump’s reputation of suing when his feelings are hurt proceeds him. Trump has sued the artist who depicted him with a micropenis, satire website The Onion for liable, and the New York Times for twisting his words.

Kim Jong-Un says he is disgusted by the amount of unflattering memes and artwork he sees on a Google image search. “Supreme leader should not be portrayed in undignified way. I understand Trump has same problem and would like to discuss suing the internet.”

Trump sympathizes with Jong-Un. Trump says, “I’m a little jealous of the guy. No one’s making an offensive meme in his country. He’s got respect. But the little gooks got to understand here in the United States of America, land of the free, once the internet’s got an image of you, it’s gone.”