Oil Spill Tax Imposed By Government To Increase Gas Prices By Over 1000%

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Congress will be voting on new oil tax to help fund clean up costs, after the recent spill into the Gulf of Mexico.

Almost 90,000 gallons of crude oil gushed from a Shell oil facility into the Gulf of Mexico off the Louisiana coast on Thursday, leaving a 13- by 2-mile sheen of oil on the waves. Countless oil-choked fish and Cuban refugees are washing up on the shore.

Louisiana Senator Bill Cassidy is sponsoring the bill, saying oil spills are bound to happen and everyone must chip in.

“It’s just the nature of doing business. The Gulf will be ruined within the next few years unless the clean-ups are subsidized. We can not expect pipelines and drilling equipment to be failproof. Leaks are bound to happen.”

‘Suppernanny’ Slips Up, Allegedly Hits Child

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Nanny Jill Pryeo allegedly lost her temper and spanked “a particularly vile” 8-year-old, Janna Cornell, and refuses to apologize.

In the episode, which originally aired April 2011, Janna swears, hits or spits snot at anyone who tries to tell her what to do. She is so aggressive she was kicked out of her elementary school, and now has to be home schooled by her mother. The Cornell family has not come forward in the five years since the incident, but former executive producer, Nick Powell, has said the could not live with this secret any longer.

Nick says Supernanny told the child to go to the naughty mat, she refused and spit in the nanny’s face. Pryeo smacked Janna in the face, and told her not to do this sort of thing, an incident that allegedly happened off camera.

“Lot’s of work goes on behind the scenes. Pryeo makes it look easy, but it’s really not. Some of these kids with oppositional defiant disorder require some special treatment in the production of the show. We couldn’t make miracles happen. No one woman can clean up years of poor parenting choices over the course of a few days. Sometimes we might turn the cameras off and give the kids incentives to go along with the program. Gift cards. Name brand clothes. Twizzlers. This little brat wanted none of it.”

Another nanny from the show, Nanny Jo Frost, has said Nick Powell is just telling another one of his lies to get attention. “I, too, would refuse to apologize. I never spanked a single child in all 14 seasons of my show in the UK or the US. I highly doubt any other nanny did either.”

ABC representatives are refusing to comment on the alleged incident. Janna Cornell could not be reached for comment, but according to court dockets, is still a problem child. She is now serving a sentence in juvenile hall after kicking a neighbor’s cat when her cell phone broke.

Parents Sue School For Not Allowing Daughter To Wear Skinny Jeans

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GORDON, Texas – 

Parents of a 15-year-old teen are suing their local school district over their dress policy, after their daughter was sent home one day for inappropriate clothing. The school’s dress code policy requires that girls wear skirts, jumpers, frumpy jeans or “skorts.”

“My little daughter has the perfect little legs – well slightly knobby knees, but that’s not the point. If she was some chunky monkey I could understand prohibiting her from wearing skinny jeans,” said Mario Lewis, whose daughter, Samantha, was sent home for her clothing. “It would be in her own benefit. Just because some girls cannot pull them off does not mean my daughter should be punished.”

“The school is also forcing certain ideas about what it means to be a woman. If I had wanted wardrobe discrimination I would have shipped her off to some charter school where the dress code dictates she always wear dresses and be a proper lady. As a parent I made the informed decision to send her to public school where she could dress like a little skank if she saw fit. It’s my first amendment right.”

Other parents are upset, not at the ban of skinny jeans, but that it does not apply to everybody. “The gay kids get away with it,” says one father, who did not want his name used for fear saying something about gay kids made him look like a homosexual himself.

Some members of the community feel the dress code should be even stricter. Paul Acker, local resident says, “We should go back to a time when girls knew that the husband wears the pants. God’s plan for men and women is different, and not only skinny jeans but short skirts and makeup are a signal to Satan.”

Ranting ‘Bible Thumper’ Assaulted In Target During Transgender Bathroom Protest

SMITHSON, North Carolina – 

Hilary Thibodaux, 49, was assaulted when she attempted to preach to shoppers and employees about the evils of Target’s gender-neutral bathroom policy. Thibodaux was upset about a recent Target statement that said, “We welcome transgender team members and guests to use the restroom or fitting room facility that corresponds with their gender identity.”

The mother of 12 marched through Target, waving her bible around and yelling at anyone who will listen while her family followed dutifully behind her.   An unidentified woman thought she would knock some sense into Thibodaux, first throwing her bag of popcorn at the woman and then ramming her with her shopping cart. Seeing the size of Thibodaux’s family she backed down, abandoned the shopping cart and fled.

Witness Keli Danton says watched the events unfold.

“I was like, ‘who this crazy bible-thumper ranting and raving about what now?’ We live in small town North Carolina, honey. There aint never been a transgender in this Target. Why she preachin’ here?” said Danton. “I laughed when that crazy fat woman threw her popcorn at her. She shouldn’t have tried to plow her down with her basket though. That aint right. Even if she deserved it, that aint right. Good thing she got out of there. That bitch’s sons would have brought down the fury of the Lord on her ass.”

Spa Accident Ruins Woman’s Face

RICHARDSON, Georgia – 

Laysha Ward is speaking out after a spa accident ruined her face. After her mani-pedi she opted for a microdermabrasion (or natural enzyme peel) face and eye collagen mask and décolleté treatment at the recommendation of a spa employee. Ward says, “She said the treatment would deliver visible results. Well I’ll say it did.”

Ward has now started a campaign to warn people about the dangers of routine spa treatments. Friends have started a GoFundMe page, as the only good thing about a personal tragedy is squeezing sympathy money from family, friends, and strangers on the internet.

“My face is just absolutely ruined. My skin is dryer than it gets in the middle of winter. I have a date this Friday and there is no way my t-zone will recover.” While there will be no permanent disfigurement, Ward says the event was very traumatic. “I will never feel safe at the spa again. I also now have a fear of makeup counters and bukaki bars. All those perfect days I had ahead of me. That’s all over now.”

Dermatologist Jessica Toothman supports Wards campaign to warn people of the frequently overlooked risks that come with a day of pampering. “There’s just no guarantee you aren’t going to get your face burned off. Even is spas aren’t buying cheap abrasive chemicals from China, there’s always the chance you’ll be the unlucky one that has a bad reaction. Women have come to me looking like moldy watermelon after a facial. My advice is leave it at the massage.”

Girl With Cerebral Palsy Saves Brother’s Life With Heimlich Maneuver

DENVER, Colorado – 

Cerebral palsy is a group of problems that affect body movement and posture. It is related to a brain injury or to problems with brain development, and it is one of the most common causes of lasting disability in children. A young girl in Tucson, Arizona wasn’t hindered by her disability earlier this week, though, when she saved her brother from choking.

Melissa Jones, 8, was able to expertly perform the Heimlich maneuver on her 4-year-old brother, after seeing it performed on an episode of Dora The Explorer. 

According to her parents, Melissa is obsessed with TV, and they have no idea how she learned it, nor how she was able to perform it, but they are “extremely grateful” that she was around.

“She never does anything active, so this is amazing,” said Melissa’s mom, Jennifer. “We are amazed, and we hope that she is able to continue to be active in extreme circumstances.”

Florida Conservative Group Says We Need To ‘Save The Mosquitos’

MIAMI, Florida – 

As government leaders argue over funding the Zika control effort, environmentalists in Florida are campaigning to save the mosquitos. The Florida Conservation Coalition (FCC) says the attempts to control the spread of the Zika virus by decimating the mosquito population will harm the environment.

FCC representative Matt Toole says, “Saving a few babies from a life of gross mental retardation is not worth the entire collapse of the eco system. Bats, birds, and dragon flies stand to be wiped out. And don’t get me started on fish.”

One protester, desperate to make a point, was hospitalized after covering himself in bug spray and setting himself on fire.

Most other residents of Florida could not disagree more. Swamp resident Marla Jackson says she hopes they kill every last mosquito. “If just one sweet little babe is saved, I say wipe them all out. We hate those damn bugs.”

Convicted Murderer Says He ‘Wasn’t Beaten Enough’ As A Child

CONCORD, New Hampshire

John Whitie, convicted of brutally murdering Bernadette Serra, a seventy year old woman, says the problem is that he was not disciplined as a child. He says if his father would have put the fear of God into him, he would have been a good person.

Whitie, 43, beat Mrs. Serra to death during the course of a home invasion. Even though the frail woman had already turned over her prescription pills, food stamp card, and spare change, Whitie knocked her unconscious with a cast iron door stop, striking her at least five times. He then preceded to place her body under her gigantic box TV and stage the scene so that it looked like it the television had fallen on her.

“My dad was a pussy. Never stood up to me. If they woulda just whipped me right as a kid, I wouldn’t have turned out this way.” Faced with a life sentence, Whitie regrets he cannot be a good father to his own son. “It’s too bad I ain’t out so I can whip him into a decent man. “

Johnson And Johnson May Go Bankrupt With Lawsuits

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Johnson and Johnson is expected to go bankrupt once they are forced to settle the multiple class action suits have been brought against them. The company is accused of continuing to sell baby powder even after finding out talc causes cancer.

While talcum powder is widely used to help keep skin dry and prevent rashes, when used on the genitals or buttocks, talc particles can travel up the vagina or rectum and remain trapped for years. These particles can cause inflammation and lead to the growth of prostate or ovarian cancer cells.

Families are urged to stop using baby powder now and lawyer up, as their child has a ten percent change of developing prostate or ovarian cancer.

“Prostate and ovarian cancer would not be nearly as prevalent if it wasn’t put on nearly every baby’s bottom for the last fifty years,” says Gabriel Evans, an attorney representing the victims. “They knew it was killing people and did nothing about it. It’s just another instance of the big-baby industry caring more and bout profit than human lives.”

Johnson & Johnson Company Group Chairman, Alex Gorsky declined to comment on the lawsuits, but is rumored to have stopped powdering his balls.

Man Arrested For Defecating On Boss’ Desk After Winning State Lottery

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AUGUSTA, Georgia –

Joel Fine, 32, was arrested on Friday evening after police say that he went into his place of employment and defecated on the desk of his boss, Mark Carson, at Excess Communications, a telecommunications company. Fine won a $6.7 million dollar lottery jackpot on Wednesday evening, and said that he waited until Friday to visit his employer, because he had “a present” for his former boss.

“I worked at Excess for nearly 5 years, and that sonofabitch rode me every single day, all day, with never a single solitary ‘thank you’ or any expression of gratitude of a job well done,” said Fine. “The guy went through the same training program as me, and moved up only because his uncle was the former manager, and when he quit, nepotism reared its ugly head.”

Fine says that he “couldn’t believe it” when he won the lottery, but almost as good as being able to never work again, was knowing that he would be able to finally “afford” the present he always wanted to deliver to Carson.

“I walked into my office on Friday, even though I wasn’t supposed to be there that day, and I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said Carson. “Joel was crouched on top of my desk, pants around his ankles, and he was reading a newspaper. A big, steaming pile of shit was all over my monthly reports. When he saw me, he just smiled, and told me to ‘kiss his ass.'”

Carson called the police, and Fine was arrested for indecent exposure and criminal mischief. He was released on $2,000 bail, which he called “chump change” and “totally well worth it.”

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