Man Finds Dead Baby In Walmart Discount DVD Bin

Posted on August 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

According to police statements, 27-year-old Mark Jacobs was sorting through a Wal-Mart discount DVD bin when he discovered a rotting corpse of a newborn buried in the middle of the bin. Witnesses rushed over to Jacobs after hearing him scream and call for help.

“I saw a small foot as I dug to the bottom of the DVD pile,” said Jacobs. “Initially, I assumed that someone had placed a Halloween prop within the pile as a gag. It wasn’t until I grabbed the foot and the leg separated from the body that I realized the $5 DVDs were hiding a violent, vicious secret.”

Local police and paramedics confirmed that the child had been dead for approximately four days, and was estimated to be around three months old. Upon reviewing security footage, police found that the child was placed in the DVD bin by a young woman earlier in the week. The security footage provided by Wal-Mart Loss Prevention Department has yet to be released to the public, however, investigating officers believe the newborn’s mother to be Maria Lambert, a 31-year-old recently divorced employee of the company. They are currently unsure of her whereabouts.

Jacobs told reporters that Walmart offered him a gift card to make up for his troubling experience. However, he said he was going to “hold out for more money,” because then he could get more discount movies.

Rosie O’Donnell Makes Good On Threats To Smear Other’s With Her Menstrual Blood

Posted on August 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

In a 2015 radio talk show discussion about the period shaming of women, Rosie O’Donnell said, “I’d like to take my period blood I no longer have and write, ‘You’re all assholes.’ I’d like to smear it all over some people’s faces.”

According to various unreliable sources, plainspoken comedian and former The View co-host Rosie O’Donnell said publicly that she’d like to smear her menstrual blood all over either Christians’ faces or pro-life people’s faces — depending on which version you read.

Apparently, the comedian and former co-host of The View finally made good on her word, and was recently seen smearing her menstrual blood all over people in the street – anyone she deemed “pro-life” or a Christian.

“If they’re wearing a cross, then they’re getting the blood,” said O’Donnell. “If they look like they have a stick up their ass, they’re probably pro-life, and that means they’re anti-women and women’s rights, so for that, they’re getting the blood.”

O’Donnell was apparently able to throw her blood into the faces of more than 2 dozen women, as well as a few men, before she was tackled by police.

“It took about 6 of us to actually get her down, but once we did, she calmed down,” said police chief Martin Lewis. “It was a hell of bloody mess. She was wearing white pants. It looked like the elevator scene in The Shining.”

O’Donnell was released after a 24-hour hold. She is not expected to be charged with any crimes.

Subway Employee Who Drugged Police Officer’s Drink Also Ejaculated Into Spicy Mayo Sauce

Posted on August 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, Georgia –

A sandwich shop employee accused of drugging a police officer’s drink earlier this month has admitted he also contaminated the spicy mayo sauce with his semen.

It’s been more than a week since 18-year-old Tanis Ukena was arrested.

Investigators told The Associated Press they didn’t feel comfortable pressing charges until lab results are returned to confirm what was in the drink.

Initial tests indicated meth and THC were present in the beverage.

Ukena denies putting drugs in the officer’s drink, although he did admit to masturbating into the spicy mayo, after police officers said they would find out the truth in labs, and he “better fess up.”

Ukena says that he did not use the spicy mayo when making officer’s sandwich and the mayonnaise-masturbation incident was unrelated.

“I was just bored and unscrewing the cap, I thought – ‘maybe that would feel good.’ I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. Also my lawyer has advised me to say I respect police and any use of force by police is justified in my book.”

Woman Drives SUV Into Store Because They Are Out Of Crystal Pepsi

Posted on August 26, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LANE COUNTY, Texas –

When Noella Fay, 45, found out her local Safeway was out of Crystal Pepsi, she did not take the news well. Fay was asked to leave after repeatedly demanding employees “get more from the back.” Shift leader, Rich York threatened to call the police if Fay did not leave the store, after assuring the disgruntled customer they were completely out of the product.

Shortly thereafter Fay returned, droving her SUV into the store down an aisle to the back of the store. She then backed up and drove between the check stands and the aisles and drove out the other doors. No one was injured, according to Sgt. Rich Charboneau , but the Chevrolet Tahoe left the store in tatters.

“It goes without saying that we are just grateful that no customers or employees were harmed in our Springfield Safeway this morning,” said Jill McGinnis, communications manager with Safeway.

Police found Fay’s SUV abandoned. Officers arrested Fay at her home.

Now, Fay’s sister and husband want the public to know: that isn’t the Noella Yvonne Fay they know and love. The 43-year-old has bipolar 1 disorder, according to her husband and sister.

Fay’s medication had recently been modified, her sister said.

“I think her doctors may have been a little negligent, honestly,” Fay’s sister Joeleen Alcantar said. “If you look at her record, you know her mom just died. You know, she’s going two or three days a month with not getting a lot of sleep – and you’re OK to lower that medication? You kidding me?”

Alcantar said Fay used to work as a case worker. She lost her job after a manic episode.

Her family says they’ve called police for help in the past.

“You call the cops, and the cops tell you: ‘Sorry, there’s nothing you can do ’til she hurts herself or hurts others’,” her husband Brian Fay said. “Well, that’s what it took to get her in there.”

The Fays have a daughter and son together.

But she had been in and out of the home over the last few days. She lost her cell phone, and family members weren’t able to keep track of her whereabouts.

Now Fay is in the Lane County Jail, facing criminal charges. What happens next is up to the district attorney, police said.

“Just a question for you guys,” Alcantar asked. “How would you feel if that was your child in Safeway and she went in there? You would hate her if anything happened to your child. I hate the system, because something is going to happen to my sister. She’s a victim, too.”

Justin Bieber Says He Is Beginning His Training For Professional MMA Debut

Posted on July 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Pop singer Justin Bieber says that he has secured a team of professional fighters and trainers to work with him on what he says is his “next career move,” a trip to the professional MMA ring.

Bieber, who is best known for making music that most people can’t stand, is in good shape for a 22-year-old, although he has been known to be a heavy drinker and weed smoker.

“I want to get healthier, I want to be leaner, and I want to show the world that I can kick someone’s ass,” said Bieber. “I am working with some of the top fighters in the world, and I will be ready to go by this time next year.”

Bieber’s management team says that they have signed a deal with UFC for him to debut in their cruiserweight division, although at this time, no opponent has been set.

“I really want to fight CM Punk,” said Bieber. “I was a big fan of his before he became a tool and left wrestling, and I really think I can take him.”

Marilyn Manson Has Surgery To Replace Ribs, Says He’s Done Sucking His Own Penis

Posted on July 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

If you don’t know anything about shock-rocker Marilyn Manson, you at least have probably heard two things – one, he is responsible for the shootings at Columbine High School, and two, he had two of his lower ribs removed so that he could give himself oral sex.

A surgeon in Los Angeles has said that the rock star, now 47, approached him last year to have the ribs replaced, claiming that he “no longer needs to suck his own dick.”

“A few weeks ago, I performed surgery on Mr. Manson and replaced his two lower, removed ribs with new, stainless, surgical steel ribs,” said the surgeon, who wishes to remain anonymous. “This is an easy procedure, and Mr. Manson was able to be in and out of the hospital in one, quick overnight stay.”

The surgeon says that Manson will be slightly sore, but should not have difficulties performing.

Manson himself said that he is glad to have his ribs back, and he wishes he never removed them in the first place.

“I feel whole again, and it’s a great feeling,” said Manson. “I came up with the idea of removing them while I was high, and since I’ve been sober for awhile, I realized that sucking my own dick is overrated, and I wanted to have the ribs replaced. Now I can get back to more important things, like focusing on making my new record, which is basically like sucking my own dick anyway.”

World’s Biggest Baby Born At 73 Pounds

Posted on July 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BEIJING, China –

The world’s largest baby was born yesterday morning in Beijing, and it weighed in at a whopping 73 pounds!

“It was incredible to see, really,” said Dr. Miamoto, who delivered the child. “I’ve never seen a vagina stretch that far before. There was more tearing and ripping and blood than you can imagine.”

Dr. Miamoto says that, sadly, giving birth killed both of the parents, and that the child will be given over to the government.

“Naturally, being Chinese, the mother was not very large at all, and her entire organs prolapsed through her vagina and anus during delivery. Her husband, an American businessman, weighed nearly 400lbs,” said Miamoto. “He died of a heart attack at seeing the size of his baby. So even though they will never know this baby, they are probably looking down from Heaven, very happy that their baby is a Guinness record holder.”

Pope Francis Says Pokemon Go Is ‘Devil’s Tool’ To Bring Children To Satan

Posted on July 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

VATICAN, Rome –

Pope Francis says that the world-wide phenomenon that is Pokemon Go is really a Devil’s tool to bring children and teens over to the “dark side” of Satan.

“Games that progress the mind are a wonderful tool to God,” said Francis. “Some games, though, were created by The Devil himself, to lure unsuspecting souls to a darker place. Pokemon Go is, I believe, the most Satanic game in history.”

Francis says that the reason that the game is so popular is that technology has replaced actual friendships, but that the exercise that children are getting as they walk around, looking for digital creatures, is only going to lead to destruction.

“Yes, children are leaving their homes, they are being active, but they are not paying attention to their surroundings, and soon they will be snatched by predators who want to touch them, and hurt them,” said Francis. “I myself was almost hit by a car while trying to catch a Mr. Mime, and that was when I knew that this game was going to be the end of civilization as we know it.”

Teen Commits Suicide After Bernie Sanders Endorses Hillary Clinton

Posted on July 30, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BURLINGTON, Vermont –

A 19-year-old college student in Vermont has reportedly hung himself in his home after his parents report that he spent two days locked in his room, watching Bernie Sanders videos on YouTube.

“Mario was a good kid, a strong boy, and he was an adamant supporter of Bernie Sanders,” said Mario Lewis’ mother, Mary. “The whole family were very proud to support Sanders, but Mario definitely took it the hardest when Bernie backed Hillary. He was in tears ever since.”

Mary says that her son was a straight-A student throughout high school, had graduated early, and was studying political science at Vermont State College.

“This is the most disturbing thing to happen in my life, and I can’t believe it was all about this stupid election,” said Mary. “I just keep telling myself that he’s in a better place, and that it doesn’t matter that he’s gone now, because come November, we’re all going to be fucked anyway.”

No More Meat Loaf For Meatloaf

Posted on June 29, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Grammy-winning singer Meat Loaf is “responsive and recovering well” after fainting during a show in Edmonton, Canada, but those close to him say he will be forced to make major changes to his lifestyle. No red meat, no touring, and no sex are among the sacrifices Marvin Lee Aday will be forced to make.

The artist been feeling the strain of touring for years. Meat Loaf’s farewell tour was in 2013 when he said, ‘This time, they’re not going to rope me back in’.” The 68-year-old artist was diagnosed with an irregular heartbeat problem known as Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome after another onstage collapse in London in 2003. This disease is Associated with risk of sudden cardiac death.

One witness, Jamie Carriere, told CBC News Meat Loaf was performing his Grammy-winning song I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That) from the 1993 album as an encore when he collapsed.

“He fell … he just fell,” Carriere said. “You could hear the microphone just hit the ground.”

Meatloaf says he is willing to give up red meat. “I’ll do anything for my health, but I won’t give up steak. No I won’t do that.”