Man Uses Loophole To Legally Marry iPhone 6

Posted on November 8, 2014 by JP

FRESNO, California –

With gay marriage being a hot button political issue over the least few years, now it appears that people will have something else to argue about. A Fresno man has recently taken to the altar, but there was no person standing across from him when he got married.

Robert Henry, age 25, has been married for about a month now. The thing hat makes this marriage strange is the fact that it isn’t even with a living creature. Henry has found a way to legal marry his iPhone 6, and claims he has no regrets in doing so.

“I waited in line for her for about 13 hours, and when I finally met her, it was love at first sight,” said Henry. “Most people don’t see this as true love, but I’ve never felt this way about any person or other object before, so it must be love.”

Henry hired lawyers in his home state of California to find a loophole in the marriage laws that would allow him to legally wed his iPhone. Once they were able to find that there was no official wording on whether a recipient of marriage had to actually be human, that was all Henry needed to continue with his quest. He hired his own officiate, and tied the knot with his new phone at the beginning of October. He has his marriage license and paper work to back it.

“Most people think I’m looking for attention, or maybe I saw the movie Her one too many times, but that isn’t the case at all. I really am in love,” said Henry.

When we asked him what he would do if he ever dropped the phone in water, or it broke, Henry was speechless. “I’m not sure. That really never crossed my mind. But, I don’t use Jennifer – that’s her name, by the way – as a real ‘phone.’ She comes with me everywhere, sure, but when it comes to making calls or texting and stuff, I have a Samsung Galaxy for that. Jennifer is usually safe in my pocket when I’m traveling.”

For now Henry and his phone live happily in Fresno, and Henry says that he has no plans on ever getting divorced, not even when the iPhone 7 comes out. “Well, unless it’s better looking than the iPhone 6,” said Henry.

‘Labyrinth’ Sequel Confirmed For Holiday 2015 Release

Posted on November 7, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

In 1986, a Jim Henson film was released starring David Bowie and a young Jennifer Connelly. The film, about a girl who must best the Goblin King to save her brother by making her way through his complicated maze, was a critical and commercial success, and garnered a huge cult following in the near-30 years since its release.

Fans of the film have something new to look forward to, though. This morning, Jim Henson Productions announced that they were beginning production on the sequel to the film, simply titled Labyrinth 2. The film is set to reunite Connelly and Bowie, who have both already signed on to star in the $70 million dollar fantasy epic.

“It’s going to be so much fun,” says Connelly, now 44. “I was 15 or 16 when we were filming the first movie, and it was just a ton of fun. Of course, being so young, I didn’t pay much attention to David’s crotch, but as I grew up and watched the film again, I don’t know how I ever could have missed it. It’s just – it’s the real centerpiece for the movie, isn’t it?”

Over the years, Bowie’s enormous crotch piece has become fodder for jokes, and an extreme point of interest for girls – and even some men – who love the film.

“Oh, God, yeah – the GBD, we call it. Giant Bowie Dick,” said Marlene Renner, a fan of the original film. “I saw that movie for the first time when I was 19, and hot damn. I was already a Bowie fan, but that movie…well, that movie really turned me into a mega fan. I hope to Hell that he’s got the tight pants in the second one, too.”

The costumes have not begun to be designed for the second film, as production hasn’t started yet, but costume designer Jennie Smith, who was only 13 when the first film was released, said that when she was hired to design the new costumes for Labyrinth 2, it was made perfectly clear that the ‘star’ of the movie needed to be David Bowie’s crotch.

“In the first movie, you had Jennifer Connelly, who was very beautiful. You had all the awesome creatures created by Jim Henson’s production team. The one thing that everyone talks about though, is those tight, white pants that Jareth the Goblin King wears. Judging by the amount of fans that those pants have, you can bet that they’ll be making a resurgence in the next film.”

Labyrinth 2 is set to begin filming in February in England and Scotland, and will be released December 25th, 2015.

Chinese Buffet Hopes To Rebuild Business With ‘Happy Ending’ Specials

Posted on November 7, 2014 by JP

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A Boston Chinese restaurant in Chinatown is offering a new, yet bizarre way to pack the seats at their buffet. King Kong Feast, a restaurant that has been a staple in the city for years but has lately seen a slip in business, is now offering a ‘Happy Ending’ with each meal purchase.

Although the numbers had been steadily decreasing, customers say it is because they have a new chef, and their chicken teriyaki on a stick hasn’t been the same since the change last September.

“We thought we’d offer our customers something they wouldn’t receive at any other restaurant,” said Lee Chow, owner of King Kong Feast buffet. “With this new change, we notice that our customers have been returning more frequently, and that new customers are coming more and more.”

“Personally, I don’t mind the handjob, but do they really have to use MSG grease as the lube?” said customer Mark R., who asked us to keep his last name private. “To be honest, they don’t have to go to these lengths. They just need to bring back their old recipe for their chicken teriyaki on a stick. Those things were delicious.”

Chow said he isn’t concerned with local police, because he says that all police officers are allowed to eat for free, and get the full ‘benefits’ as any paying customer.

“We have policemen who eat here all the time and they love our food and services. It’s a good relief for a lunch break. They have a stressful job, you know,” said Chow. “‘l’ve even been known to do the happiness myself for them, to show my appreciation for their hard work. These men love our foods, and they love our happy endings, too!”

The King Kong Feast buffet is open 7 days a week from 11am-10pm, and they say they don’t discriminate with the happy endings. “Women love a good rub-out after a meal, too!” said Chow.

Daytime TV Mogul Oprah Winfrey, 60, Confirms Pregnancy

Posted on November 6, 2014 by Bonnie Anderson

LOS ANGELES, California –

Amid speculation that Oprah Winfrey is sporting a conspicuous baby bump, the queen of media announced this morning that she will be giving birth to a baby girl. Winfrey turned 60 years old this year.

Sources close to Winfrey say she is thrilled, and can’t wait for the surgery to have the bundle of joy excised in a minimally invasive surgery to take place in February. “I wish I could move the appointment to tomorrow, but I’m afraid she’ll show up without taste buds and eyelashes, or missing several fingers or something,” The Big O gushed in a recent interview.

Stedman Graham, Oprah’s boyfriend since 1986, is reportedly not the father, as the pair were way too old to get pregnant naturally. Curiously, instead of the couple claiming the baby together as parents, Oprah has decided instead to name life-long best friend Gayle King as the baby’s father for ‘public purposes.’ On being a new father, King reportedly stated, “I never wanted children myself, but if it makes Oprah happy, it’s all worth it! And being baby-daddy to a billionaire’s kid doesn’t hurt either!”

As excited as she is to become a parent and have someone to pass her extreme wealth onto after she passes, it’s well-documented that at Oprah’s advanced age, risks of possible complications for both the mother and unborn child are significant.

According to Dr. Jan Foster, M.D., an obstetrician who did not treat Oprah; “I personally would advise her that she is exceptionally vulnerable to complications that can lead to preeclampsia, a potentially fatal condition. Plus the child could develop a learning disability, blindness, or worse.”

But the once daytime TV giant’s determination is unshakable.

“I look better than I did in the 80s, and I’m pretty sure my uterus does too. I may be 60, but I feel like a million dollars. Hell, I feel like 3 billion dollars – and I would know exactly what that feels like, too! Now – you get a car, and you get a car, and you get a car!” Said Oprah, casually handing away Lexus sedans to anyone standing near her. “This is just the happiest I’ve ever been in my life!”

When asked if a name had been chosen, Winfrey replied, beaming, “I’ll either name her after my Grandmother Hattie Mae, or Harpo after my production company. Hattie Mae is a little old-fashioned, so I think Harpo might be the way to go!”

We reached out to Oprah’s long-time friend and mentor, writer Maya Angelou for comment, but a rep for the author stated that she was ‘dead,’ and as such was unavailable.

38-Year-Old Man Sues Parents, Blames Them For His Small Penis

Posted on November 4, 2014 by JP

DURHAM, North Carolina –

David Jones, age 38, is in a heated court settlement this month and the case is raising eyebrows all over the nation. Jones is currently suing his parents, Mary and Jon Jones, but for something that most would agree they had no control over.

Jones has been in court trying to get a settlement for over a month, and it appears his lawyer is making a good case for him.

Late in September, Jones filed the lawsuit in a Durham court that blamed his parents for his very small penis. His defense is that it has caused him depression, anxiety, and problems finding a girlfriend or wife because of it. At age 10, David had a penis that was only 3 inches when erect, and he has confirmed that it has not grown since.

“I’m tired of this little boy’s penis,” said Jones in his court appearance. “I am ashamed of it. I just want to hide my face in sorrow. That’s why I’m suing my parents and making a giant, public spectacle over it, because I don’t want anyone to know how tiny my penis really is.”

Jones’ parents are in shock over the case, and are pleading to the judge that they had no control over the situation. Their claim is that although they wish that they could have provided David with his desired penis size, like a lot of things David wanted growing up, this is just one more thing they had no control over.

Jones parents have admitted that this is an issue he has been upset about since he was a child, but they continued to tell him that it would grow as he got older.

“He always wanted a bigger penis,” said Jon Jones, 61. “He saw me in the shower once by accident when he was about 7, and I think it’s given him emotional distress ever since. I mean, not to brag, but I’ve got more hose than a nervous fireman. If he’s got a baby penis, then those genes came from his mother’s side, not mine.”

“David’s parents have admitted he complained about his penis size, or lack thereof, non-stop growing up, but they did nothing about it. If he was begging for food and didn’t receive anything to eat, his parents would have behind bars years ago. That is the angle my client is taking, and I can tell that people are starting to see things in a different light,” said Jones’ lawyer Joseph Goldsmith.

If a settlement in the case can be reached, Jones has said he will undergo surgery to increase the size of his penis, both length and girth.

Man Sentenced To Life In Prison After Littering

Posted on November 4, 2014 by JP

PLANO, Texas –

A man in Plano, Texas is looking at a life sentence in prison after a strange event occurred last September. Barry Lutz, age 34, is behind bars fighting for his freedom after being sentenced to jail for littering.

The events following the littering have currently given Lutz a life sentence, with no possibility of parole. A representative for Lutz is attempting to clear the air for him and change the drastic and unfair sentence handed down by judge Alvin Spenser.

“This is just the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen in all my years as a lawyer,” said Lutz’s lawyer Miles Jarlin. “This is just a ‘good ol’ boys’ kind of deal, because the incident involved a police officer who happens to play gold with the judge.”

“That insinuation is absurd,” said Judge Spenser. “I just hate littering, and I think the punishment, in this case, fits the crime perfectly. This will serve as a message to every other damn litterbug in the state of Texas.”

According to witness reports, the littering t took place on a local road in Plano, and most of the people say they think that this could have ended in a much brighter outcome.

While walking down his street, Lutz threw a crushed soda can on the ground, and an off duty police officer witnessed it, and demanded he throw it away. Lutz begrudgingly picked up the can and whipped it towards a public trash receptacle nearby. Unfortunately for Lutz, the can didn’t make it to the trash, as the wind took it and sent it flying directly into officer Jason Mills’ eye. The metal from crushed can punctured his retina, and doctors have confirmed that it would be a miracle if the officer ever regains vision in the eye.

While Lutz is claiming he was aiming for he trash to throw away the soda can, the now half-blind police officer testified in court that Lutz was aiming for him the entire time.

Lutz was convicted with assaulting an officer, attempted murder, and littering.

Confused Teen Burns Down House After Trying ‘Smoky Eye’ Makeup Effect

Posted on October 30, 2014 by DvanL

BATAVIA, Illinois –

A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing. 13-year-old Bobbie Vicha finally reached that magical age – the age when her mother told her she could start wearing makeup.

The eve of Bobbie’s 13^th birthday was like Christmas Eve in the Vicha household. “She saved her allowance for months to buy some makeup,” said her mother Barbara, speaking from a downtown Batavia Red Cross emergency shelter.

Brought up to be environmentally responsible, Bobbie researched which cosmetics were animal friendly, and which ones contained harmful chemicals, which she wanted to avoid.

Returning from the nearby Yorktown Center mall, Bobbie sprinted upstairs to begin the transformation process. “We almost got a speeding ticket on the way back from Yorktown,” said Barbara. “She was so excited to get home, and I was so excited for her. We talked about different looks and eye shadows, and she really wanted to do the ‘smoky eye’ look that all the celebrities use.”

What Barbara didn’t know was that Bobbie’s attempt at authenticity would involve actual smoke – from potpourri the teen used to naturally scent her room. Bobbie burned some of the natural plant material and used the ash to create the ‘smoke’ look. “I didn’t know she was going to use any fire or matches,” said her mother.

The excitement apparently clouded Bobbie’s judgment. While studying online makeup tutorials in the opposite corner of her bedroom, a smoldering ember of potpourri apparently ignited the youngster’s frilly curtains.

“When I turned around,” said the sobbing teen, “the whole room was on fire. It happened so fast and all I could do was scream and run downstairs.”

Bobbie alerted her mother that the house was on fire, grabbed her pet cat Chloe and the wireless kitchen phone. “It was a cheap phone,” said Barbara, “and it was out of range when we got to the front yard. The fire spread so quick – the whole house went up just like that!” Fire officials arrived after a neighbor phoned in the emergency.

Medical personnel initially thought Bobbie had been badly burned, as only one eye had been made up to look ‘smoky,’ while the other eye was badly smeared. Bobbie explained to fire officials what had happened, and that no mystery or foul play was involved.

“I appreciate her honesty,” said Barbara “She fessed up, and it was an accident. The home was fully covered by fire insurance. She feels bad enough already.”

When asked if the teen would be allowed to concoct her own makeup in the future, her mother replied, “Screw that – I’m buying her some Maybelline!”

New Federal Law Makes It Illegal To Wear Racist, ‘Insensitive’ Halloween Costumes

Posted on October 30, 2014 by Chip

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

It has just been announced that a new law will be enforced this Halloween outlawing any Halloween costume that could be viewed as racist or ‘insensitive.’ The law is being passed down from the federal government and is estimated to effect over a million United States citizens come October 31^st.

It is unclear what has prompted this last-minute regulation to be implemented, however experts speculate that the thousands of white guys that have vocalized their plan to use “black face” to imitate Ray Rice this Halloween probably have something to do with it.

One expert said, “Over the last 5 years, the media’s obsession with racy, obscene, or insensitive Halloween costumes has reached an all-time high, and I think the government felt it was finally time to jump in and regulate the situation, I personally think the law is brilliant and I welcome it with open arms. They are just in the nick of time before Halloween this year. I’m glad they didn’t hold out until next Halloween. This is definitely an issue that needed to be nipped in the bud.”

In this morning’s press conference from the White House, it was announced that the federal government will be working closely with local law enforcement everywhere to ensure 100% compliance of the new regulation. It has been reported that local police will be “dropping by” all costume parties to ensure that everyone’s having a blast while wearing appropriate attire. It has been made very clear that no warnings will be issued; anybody out of code will be spending the night on the cold floor of their local jail and could be facing fines of upwards of $950.

Though a full list of approved costumes has not been released, the law clearly outlines, if you are Caucasian you are not to dress in any way that imitates or pokes fun at Blacks, Indians (of any kind), Mexicans, Gypsies, or Asians. It is unclear if rich white folks can dress as ‘Poor White Trash.’ The law also states that African-American citizens will be permitted to dress as President Obama, however caucasian citizens cannot. It was said, though, that anyone of any race or ethnicity will be permitted to dress in costumes that poke fun at previous presidents Bush and Clinton.

Those that oppose the new law say that it seems to be discriminatory and directed only to the Caucasian population, as there are not clearly outlined regulations on what any other ethnicities are required to avoid.

A government spokesperson responded to the allegation by chuckling and saying “Oh man, people will complain about anything!”

Those hoping that the new seemingly heavy-handed regulation will be discarded by next year are in for a disappointment, as it’s been said an even stricter law is being drafted and should be passed by Halloween 2015.

TV Meteorologist Murdered After Reporting Weather Incorrectly

Posted on October 29, 2014 by JP

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –

A weather man who worked for the WAVY-TV station in Huntsville, Alabama, was found dead in his home this past Tuesday afternoon. Craig Poland, 47, worked for the local Virginia news station for over 10 years, but spent most of his career behind the camera.

“He did more behind the camera work than he did as a weather man,” said Bill Hytes, the owner of the station. “Great guy, really nice and personable. We can’t believe that this has happened to him. He was a major part of our weather team, and a beloved member of our news staff.”

The strange tragedy behind Poland’s murder was a note found on the scene of the crime that pointed to Poland’s incorrect on-air weather reporting being the cause of death.

Poland was called asked to report the weather live for one day last week when a fellow co-worker called in sick. During the broadcasting, Poland stated that the weather for last weekend would be bright and sunny. Sadly, the prediction was not correct, and it now appears that a local viewer took the information badly.

“People take their weather very seriously around here,” said Officer Tim Brown. “When I arrived on the scene and saw the body, I knew immediately who he was. I remember seeing him on the air too and, to be honest, I was a little ticked at him because I planned to go fishing after he said we’d have a nice, sunny weekend and I hit nothing but rain. I mean, I didn’t kill him or anything, that’s not what I’m saying. All I’m saying is that I can relate to someone’s anger – it’s not the first time someone’s plans have been ruined by a TV weatherman not knowing his stuff. Probably the first time anyone has been killed because of it, though.”

Police are remaining quiet on the exact details of the crime, but reporters have learned that the note left at the scene said ‘that will teach you to screw up my weekend, you old weather f—–.’ Police say they have no leads at this time.

Quack Doctor Arrested in ‘Urine Therapy’ Scam

Posted on October 28, 2014 by DvanL

NEW YORK, New York –

In 1988, Dr. Peter Hobart rented a commercial space on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, and transformed it into a drug testing facility.

“His place was always packed,” said local deli worker Luke Jacobs. “Everybody called him Doctor P. He had a million clients, people were pouring in and out of the place like crazy.”

What Jacobs and the rest of the city didn’t know was that the doctor wasn’t a doctor at all – he’s a longtime con-man who apparently has a rather strange fetish.

Hobart asked several clients to take part in a bogus “urine/oxygen” study he was conducting. Volunteers were required to produce and submit urine samples, some as frequently as 3 times a week. After many months, when no study appeared, several of his clients began to suspect the water in the well was bad.

One patient took part in the fake doc’s so-called ‘Trevi Fountain’ project. “He wanted to find out if a person would go to the bathroom more if a song or a movie that had to do with rain, or the ocean was playing in the background, that kind of thing” said Patient X. “He said it was psychological, and I’d be in a medical journal. One day when I was about to give my sample, Dr. P. brought in a tv, and played that famous movie with the blonde lady who runs through the water fountain in Italy – La Dolce Vita – that’s the name of it. Anyway, so I had to do ‘number one’ during the water fountain scene, and Dr. P. took notes. He accidentally dropped his clipboard and I just happened to glance down at it; the page was just full of doodles of penises – some had smiling faces, some were erect, and most of them were peeing. I pretended I didn’t notice, but I felt all sick inside. As soon as I left I called the police. I didn’t even use my real name when I called, I was so embarrassed.”

Dr. P. was arrested last month and charged with falsifying medical records, misrepresentation, medical quackery, and Medicare fraud. A hidden camera was also discovered in a room used by clients to produce samples.

Officials estimate it will take three to four months to retrace the financial trail Hobart left in his wake. “We’ll never be able to locate all the paperwork,” said one accountant from the DA’s office, “and people are too embarrassed to give information. Can’t blame them, I guess. I’d be so pissed off if something like that happened to me.”

Hobart faces up to 20 years in prison if convicted. His lawyer entered a plea for a reduced sentence if Doctor P. helps locate the missing financial records. Sentencing will take place before the end of the year.